AIJ Posted April 6, 2015 Posted April 6, 2015 Awful day. Big family get together, first time since Christmas, and obviously they hadn't been told the news that my girlfriend and I had broken up about 2 months ago. They brought her up, I had to inform them about what happened, and it just brought up so many emotions I felt terrible. Memories running through my mind all day long, and I've just felt incredibly angry and bitter, I just want to blow up at my ex and tell her how much of an awful person she is. The way she has treated me since the break up has been nothing short of disgusting, trying to incite a reaction and trying desperately to make me jealous, putting me down and making me out to be some sort of terrible boyfriend. I treated her INCREDIBLY well, granted, we had our arguments every now and then, but nothing that a calm conversation couldn't resolve, however that's impossible with her because she's a stubborn passive aggressive bitch. I don't WANT to resent her, I want to feel nothing towards her, but I just can't stop myself from feeling some kind of emotion towards her. 1
WhatWeHad Posted April 6, 2015 Posted April 6, 2015 I'm having a rough day today. I'm thinking about him....again. I'm going over and over how I might have done things differently, how he could hurt me the way he did and not care...AT ALL. It's been way to long for me to still be in this place. My life has moved on but I can't seem to let this go for the life of me and I really hate that. I've been good though, no Facebook creeping (I deleted my account completely). 2
TunaCat Posted April 6, 2015 Posted April 6, 2015 I miss him so much. Why, why won't he leave me any breadcrumbs? Yes, yes I know it's better that he doesn't leave me breadcrumbs, but I feel like he totally forgot about me. How is that possible? How could he just stop thinking about me? I was hoping he'd make an attempt yesterday, but he didn't. That really hurt. I just wanted to hear from him so I'd know that he's still thinking of me. No, I'm not a narcissist OR selfish. I just miss him. 3
ZiggyZoo Posted April 6, 2015 Posted April 6, 2015 I miss him so much. Why, why won't he leave me any breadcrumbs? Yes, yes I know it's better that he doesn't leave me breadcrumbs, but I feel like he totally forgot about me. How is that possible? How could he just stop thinking about me? I was hoping he'd make an attempt yesterday, but he didn't. That really hurt. I just wanted to hear from him so I'd know that he's still thinking of me. No, I'm not a narcissist OR selfish. I just miss him. I've felt like this, plenty of times. I would get so angry with myself too, for missing my jerkwad of an ex...like everything else though, this will pass too. I myself actually had the first day since my breakup almost four months ago where I felt nothing when thinking of my ex. I can even think of him with someone else and it doesn't hurt. I know this is probably temporary and I'll swing back to missing him before too long. But it's really encouraging to finally see some end to this pain. 1
ApexTitanium Posted April 7, 2015 Posted April 7, 2015 I hate life.... There's a girl interested in me but I'm not attracted to her I'm still in love with my ex....this girl calls me cute, handsome, drives an hour to see me and I feel like I can't give her all of me...I dont feel attracted to her physically....maybe I'm shallow. This is so horrible.....I feel like an *******. I wish my ex would just tell me she loved me like I love her... I'm drinking myself away....isolating myself from everything. I just want the pain to end....I'm at my end, I feel like giving up on life. She text me sometimes about how things are going for her and I'm happy she's doing great, I just wish I was doing great with her....I'm trying to hold in, to be nice as I can and not crack with emotions because I dont want her to feel bad. What's the point of living if the one you love doesn't want you?
darkbloom Posted April 7, 2015 Posted April 7, 2015 Le sigh. How am I coping today? What a question. All things considered, I am doing well. It's the small things that get to me. But isn't it the small things that are actually important in life? We focus on the big stuff that actually doesn't ever mean what it should. And all of the little things, like kisses on the forehead or coffee just because get lost in the lens of the big picture. Not a single breadcrumb. But I do see your name occasionally come up on instagram when you are one of the first to like a photo of our mutual friends. I probably do not even need to wonder why you are browsing insta at 11pm on a Saturday night. Or for that matter why I am browsing insta at 11pm on a Saturday night. It also means that you are on your phone. And all of those times I see your name come up on my feed, not a single time was a message to me. Thank God I have been strong enough to not click on your username. I do not want to know what you have been posting. I had a dream last night that I woke up in bed an you were asleep next to me. I thought it was real. I woke up thinking that you were there and then it comes crashing down that you are still gone. I'm sorry A. For everything. Even though you are mostly to blame, today I will apologize for both of us. Today I am mourning for the things that I do miss about you. Waking up next to you was one of the best feelings that I can think of. After sleeping alone for so long or waking up to a stranger, waking up next to you was comforting and peaceful. I miss how you used to turn your alarm off and come back to bed. You would kiss my forehead and stay there for a few minutes. I miss getting off after a long day at work and just being able to cook dinner with you without having to talk. I miss those nights where I had to call you to come get me because I was too drunk to drive. You would drop whatever you were doing and come get me. I miss being invited to your mom's house with you because you know how much I enjoyed her company and playing with her dog. I miss all of those nights we used to go out to dinner together. Thank you for the memories. I haven't cried for you since the day after the breakup, but today I might cry for those memories. I'm sorry, db 2
TunaCat Posted April 7, 2015 Posted April 7, 2015 I've felt like this, plenty of times. I would get so angry with myself too, for missing my jerkwad of an ex...like everything else though, this will pass too. I myself actually had the first day since my breakup almost four months ago where I felt nothing when thinking of my ex. I can even think of him with someone else and it doesn't hurt. I know this is probably temporary and I'll swing back to missing him before too long. But it's really encouraging to finally see some end to this pain. The idea of him being with someone else still makes me want to vomit. So I'm not where I want to be in my recovery, but I have to remember it's only been 2 weeks since we broke up. I still wish he'd fight for me. Is that stupid?
AIJ Posted April 7, 2015 Posted April 7, 2015 The idea of him being with someone else still makes me want to vomit. So I'm not where I want to be in my recovery, but I have to remember it's only been 2 weeks since we broke up. I still wish he'd fight for me. Is that stupid? Nope it's not stupid at all. 2 weeks? You're still incredibly raw from the break up. 2 weeks after my break up, my ex jumped in to a relationship with someone else so not only did I have to deal with the THOUGHT of her being with someone else, I had to deal with the reality. Sucks, but it is what it is.
Throldur Posted April 7, 2015 Posted April 7, 2015 Nope it's not stupid at all. 2 weeks? You're still incredibly raw from the break up. 2 weeks after my break up, my ex jumped in to a relationship with someone else so not only did I have to deal with the THOUGHT of her being with someone else, I had to deal with the reality. Sucks, but it is what it is. Same. My ex not only is with someone else, she moved there to do it.. (though really MOVING is the reason and she's using him for the free place he offered..) doesn't make it any easier. I'm going to be holding on until the year is over.. hoping it all comes crashing down, her to learn and realize and message me. That's never going to happen.. although it is entirely more possible than the alternative, that I will find someone else that I like.. Okay, that's not too too farfetched.. but finding someone else that I like and wants to be with me? Now, that, that's an impossibility.. Looks like the only hope I will have in the world is the extremely unlikely possibility of my ex coming back to me if her move out to Ontario doesn't work out.. Each day that ends is one more closer to that possibility.. but it really just feels like another day I've failed. I've been using online dating.. got a match on Tinder, I was really excited, gorgeous girl, tattoos, seemed to be interested in the same stuff as me, just beyond beautiful.. and it's Tinder, she swiped right, so she's got some interest right? But like every time, I send a message and... nothing. I sat for a moment before messaging, made sure I didn't send anything desperate sounding and just kind of on the same vibe as her and before I pressed send, I said, please, if there's a chance for me to have some hope in the world beyond my ex coming back.. let this girl message back and see where it goes.. Nothing. Silence. An abundance of failure and the haunting lack of an echo. There's no hope. Only anguish. I'm not meant to win.
na49 Posted April 7, 2015 Posted April 7, 2015 My ex messaged me from a fake Facebook profile. This is starting to get ridiculous... I block her, I filter her emails, I ignore her, and yet she is still finding a way to get to me. Anything to get me in the friend zone I guess... I'd be lying if I said this doesn't get to me, but I'm actually getting to a point where I realize I don't need her. I still miss her company, but what I had with her is replaceable. I can actually have a relationship with someone where I'm happy.
Jonp219 Posted April 7, 2015 Posted April 7, 2015 Today I went downtown to take my drivers permit exam and I walked by places me and my ex use to hang out at. I felt very emotional walking to the DMV as fond memories started flooding my head. I miss that girl so much, I feel like I'm never going to find anyone as good as her. I'm a little on the down side today but I'm hanging in there though.
RoseHeart Posted April 7, 2015 Posted April 7, 2015 Today was one of the worst days of my life. I feel like someone ripped my heart out.
ASV Posted April 7, 2015 Posted April 7, 2015 Another ****ty day with vivid mental remembrances that didn't get after BU. To me each NC day counts, but not as a victory: as a sign she's actually moved on and there's no hope to reconcile again. Even if I knew deep in my gut that I was so perfect for her indeed. 3 months since BU that feel like a lifetime, and I don't really think I've changed a bit.
Throldur Posted April 7, 2015 Posted April 7, 2015 I can't talk to anyone anymore. No one wants to talk about this and there's nothing left to say. I broke down again with the realization that she emotionally cheated on me until she had the reason to leave after the holidays. She wanted to save face as best as she could, worried about being a cheater, well, she cheated and she's a cheater, if she wants to play semantics to make herself feel better, go ahead, you're a cheater and a liar.. and your new boyfriend knows that deep down, there will be no stability where you are right now, you're not capable of it. You didn't address any of the things you needed to address just ran to something else so you didn't have to fight for us, fight for true love. Can't believe she thought this clown was better than me. No one is better for her than me. I don't know if she will ever mature enough, think enough on it, to realize it. As mad as I am, I can't hate her, I love her, I want to forgive her and get my second chance. There's no hope here. I've given up on hope. The weight of how many days of existence, miserable and empty, are on the horizon, just crush me. I can't do this.
TunaCat Posted April 7, 2015 Posted April 7, 2015 A lot of ups and downs today, but thankfully more ups than downs.
darkbloom Posted April 8, 2015 Posted April 8, 2015 Today is a good day. I found a shirt that I thought I left at your house. YASSSSSSSSSSS! I wrote off everything that I left at your house. I am also keeping everything you left at mine. Sleeping in your old t-shirts doesn't even remind me of you anymore. And your smell is gone out of all of it. This NC gets easier by the day. 106 days. I had to get a calculator out to calculate that because I stopped keeping track. Weeeeeeeeee. 2
Jonp219 Posted April 8, 2015 Posted April 8, 2015 Today is a good day. I found a shirt that I thought I left at your house. YASSSSSSSSSSS! I wrote off everything that I left at your house. I am also keeping everything you left at mine. Sleeping in your old t-shirts doesn't even remind me of you anymore. And your smell is gone out of all of it. This NC gets easier by the day. 106 days. I had to get a calculator out to calculate that because I stopped keeping track. Weeeeeeeeee. *sigh* I can't wait till I get to where you're at lol
darkbloom Posted April 8, 2015 Posted April 8, 2015 *sigh* I can't wait till I get to where you're at lol I promise NC is the only way to get there. I could barely get out of bed in the morning post BU. I was angry and sad on Christmas. I had regular anxiety attacks at work. I spent HOURS raging to him out loud even though he wasn't there. Whatever I had to do so that I would not be consumed by my heartache. The first month is absolute hell. But all of the suggestions on here work wonders. Keep yourself busy. Find a physical activity to take up your time. I joined a singles meet up group so I had something fun to do on the weekends without him. I blocked him on social media even before the final breakup because I knew what was coming. He remains blocked. And when my friends try to bring his social media posts up I ask them to stop. And I don't want to know. I shake my head and change the subject. Whenever you feel like contacting your ex or you miss them post on this website. I feel 1000x better about everything and I do not have to deal with the heartache that would come from being in contact. I am here to support you, whatever you need. You can PM me or comment on one of my threads and I will send you whatever good vibes I can. Be well. 1
Bubberfly Posted April 8, 2015 Posted April 8, 2015 I'm having a down day. Next week will have been a year since I've seen or heard from him. Most days are fine, I completely forget about him. This morning for absolutely no reason while getting ready for work I started remembering our last argument we has right before the break up. It still makes me sad. I'm waiting for the blessed day when I start becoming indifferent. In the meantime, today I'm sad, depressed and while I don't miss him and all the **** he put me through... It still HURTS. 1
darkbloom Posted April 8, 2015 Posted April 8, 2015 A! I'm writing from one of my favorite resturants that is across the street from your house. Second time in two weeks. I'm not afraid anymore. Yay. 4
Familia Posted April 8, 2015 Posted April 8, 2015 darkbloom great work yay I am so so happy for you and keep reading your posts and cannot wait until the day I no longer think about my EX every damn minute of the day.
Throldur Posted April 8, 2015 Posted April 8, 2015 I had a nightmare that she got engaged to the guy she moved away with.. and the horrible part about it all is that the way things have moved with him, I wouldn't be surprised if he proposed that she would say yes.. She's clearly in a state of not thinking rationally and literally doing anything and everything to "arrive" at where she wants to be and would throw caution to the wind. So I'm super scared of this outcome. All I have to hold on to is the notion that this WON'T work and she will come back. If they get engaged then really, it's going to last a long time, probably a couple years, before it ended.. That's horrific. Lately everything I try to be positive with turns negative. Everything I don't want to happen.. happens. So I don't know where to set my intentions, I'm scared that even thinking this is going to make it happen. I keep telling myself. This won't work. This won't work. She'll come back. Just fight through the days. But what if the opposite happens? I'm ****ed.
darkbloom Posted April 8, 2015 Posted April 8, 2015 darkbloom great work yay I am so so happy for you and keep reading your posts and cannot wait until the day I no longer think about my EX every damn minute of the day. It's all in the work you put in. I wanted the pain to stop so it did. I still think about him often but it doesn't really hurt as much. It's a dull ache. I have to really concentrate to remember what his voice sounded like.
na49 Posted April 8, 2015 Posted April 8, 2015 Today would have been our anniversary, but I'm not nearly as emotional as I thought I'd be. I want her to reach out to me, and tell me that she wants to give us another try, and be committed to me and only me. That's not going to happen though, and I think I'll be okay with that.
Jonp219 Posted April 8, 2015 Posted April 8, 2015 I promise NC is the only way to get there. I could barely get out of bed in the morning post BU. I was angry and sad on Christmas. I had regular anxiety attacks at work. I spent HOURS raging to him out loud even though he wasn't there. Whatever I had to do so that I would not be consumed by my heartache. The first month is absolute hell. But all of the suggestions on here work wonders. Keep yourself busy. Find a physical activity to take up your time. I joined a singles meet up group so I had something fun to do on the weekends without him. I blocked him on social media even before the final breakup because I knew what was coming. He remains blocked. And when my friends try to bring his social media posts up I ask them to stop. And I don't want to know. I shake my head and change the subject. Whenever you feel like contacting your ex or you miss them post on this website. I feel 1000x better about everything and I do not have to deal with the heartache that would come from being in contact. I am here to support you, whatever you need. You can PM me or comment on one of my threads and I will send you whatever good vibes I can. Be well. Thank you for the support Darkbloom I think you're right, NC is truly the only way to get there as quickly as possible. However, I still have these little voices in my head that keep telling me not to let go, and I do my very best to cancel them out. Today I cried for the first time in over a week, I guess I just had to release some tension. My ex went NC too, ever since the break-up. I never showed her my love by buying her gifts, and I regret it. I'm sure there's nothing in her house that reminds her of me anymore since she deleted our photos, and that **** hurts like hell. Something about her forgetting about me gives me this insurmountable pain in my heart. Almost like I did't even exist, for those 4 years. I'm doing as much as I can to stay NC and stay busy. Whenever I break NC (looking at her twitter), I normally do it in the morning when the emotions are at their highest peak. Now I don't turn my phone on till early in the afternoon when most of those feelings subside. It's getting easier, but the same fears I had right after the break up are still there today.
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