ephemeralme Posted April 5, 2015 Posted April 5, 2015 (edited) for everyone here..... my song of the past week. It gives me strength and feels good to play LOUD and sing the words along with Freddie! Listen to the words. It helps me to turn my thoughts to this when I am struggling just to go from moment to moment; I sing the words in my restless unsleep, when I need to distract myself from every minute of thinking of him and my future with him; lost and gone. peace, strength and courage to all of us Edited April 5, 2015 by ephemeralme typo
Throldur Posted April 5, 2015 Posted April 5, 2015 I feel the exact same and it's tearing me up inside. I'm just pissed.. Literally, the worst thing I did was want to wait until I got out of probation and my job was guaranteed to move in with her. I was already paying groceries, I drove us everywhere, paid for gas, paid our cellphone bills, got her out of any financial jam that came up, paid for all the concert tickets, movie nights, dinners. Sure, after 2 years you don't pay as much attention to each other, spending 6 days a week together, there's not as much to talk about, you get comfortable.. Sorry that I didn't know that she confused comfortability for distance or some sign I was going to leave, I never was going to. Why did moving in hold such a higher regard of our future together than getting a kitten, knowing what we would name our kids, or the fact I would watch 'Say Yes to the Dress' with her and talk about who would be there when she was picking out her dress for our wedding? I don't get why she focused only on this one thing and not everything else that was bigger proof that I was in it for the long haul. I stuck by her when no one else would and the one time I need her to stay by my side, work through it with me, she runs away.. packs up and moves away, lies to me, to friends and family, destroys everything in her path to make it happen.. I don't get it, I don't understand it.. I don't get why she felt the need to block me from everything too before she left.. I wasn't even reaching out, wasn't following or looking, I don't get that extra step on her part to pretend like I never happened or to pretend that I don't exist anymore.. I know there's no one else out there better for me and I can't even make her see that we are meant to be.. I gotta hope the Universe shows that to her.. can't say I'm confident in that.. and that isn't fair to any other girl I would get with if I just settle.. Not that I would ever be so ****ing lucky again. ****, I hate this. I feel like such a giant piece of **** on the dating market. All the girls are taken or want nothing to do with me. Can't believe how lucky I was to get her in the first place.. I hate any moment I had where I didn't make her feel like what she was, the best thing to ever happen to me. Feel like I'm being punished for not being perfect every day, every moment with her, when the Universe went out of its way to give me what I had been begging/wishing for since I was old enough to love. If I had a second chance.. I wouldn't **** it up. I wouldn't make the same mistake ever again. I don't get why I'm not afforded this opportunity.. when guys who abuse, mentally, physically, guys who control, belittle, destroy.. get multiple opportunities.. and all I did was love her, support her, stand by her through the worst times in her life and I would do it all again.
Throldur Posted April 5, 2015 Posted April 5, 2015 for everyone here..... my song of the past week. It gives me strength and feels good to play LOUD and sing the words along with Freddie! Listen to the words. It helps me to turn my thoughts to this when I am struggling just to go from moment to moment; I sing the words in my restless unsleep, when I need to distract myself from every minute of thinking of him and my future with him; lost and gone. peace, strength and courage to all of us Music can heal or hurt.. some lyrics I've been listening to "And I carry your name like a stone in my mouth..the taste of you wherever I go.. Tattooed on my skin, the words that you wrote, your voice wherever I go.. And now that you're gone I'm the ghost.. and when I drink, I drink to the loss. It's better to have loved than to have never loved at all." Allman Brown - Stone And this song which I wanted to dance to with her at our wedding.. "Pour the wine, light revives lowering walls that divide. Kings and Queens yearn to seek love in all its mystery. When all we wanted was love. We got cut up and burned. There's a light in your eyes and it tells me that god is on our side. The waning moon, your sweet perfume, incense for the holy ones. Secret hymns fall from your lips, healing for this broken soul. We drive late let the music tell our fate. For me this heaven drowning our fears and we may age if we do not die today.. til then we'll let this music be our prayers. When all we wanted was love.. we got cut up and burned but there's a light in your eyes and it tells me that god is on our side. All we need now is love.. we've been through enough.. can't run just 'cause we're scared.. come this far, not giving up." Flyleaf - Light In Your Eyes.
na49 Posted April 5, 2015 Posted April 5, 2015 I was doing awesome until about 10 minutes ago. When I got ANOTHER email from my ex. She's giving me the "let's stay in each other's lives as friends for right now" speech. She wants to figure things out for herself and explore, but for some reason still wants to keep me around. WHY????? :mad:
BlackbirdSong Posted April 5, 2015 Posted April 5, 2015 i was doing awesome until about 10 minutes ago. When i got another email from my ex. She's giving me the "let's stay in each other's lives as friends for right now" speech. She wants to figure things out for herself and explore, but for some reason still wants to keep me around. Why????? :mad: delete. Ignore.
BlackbirdSong Posted April 5, 2015 Posted April 5, 2015 I'm just pissed.. Literally, the worst thing I did was want to wait until I got out of probation and my job was guaranteed to move in with her. I was already paying groceries, I drove us everywhere, paid for gas, paid our cellphone bills, got her out of any financial jam that came up, paid for all the concert tickets, movie nights, dinners. Sure, after 2 years you don't pay as much attention to each other, spending 6 days a week together, there's not as much to talk about, you get comfortable.. Sorry that I didn't know that she confused comfortability for distance or some sign I was going to leave, I never was going to. Why did moving in hold such a higher regard of our future together than getting a kitten, knowing what we would name our kids, or the fact I would watch 'Say Yes to the Dress' with her and talk about who would be there when she was picking out her dress for our wedding? I don't get why she focused only on this one thing and not everything else that was bigger proof that I was in it for the long haul. I stuck by her when no one else would and the one time I need her to stay by my side, work through it with me, she runs away.. packs up and moves away, lies to me, to friends and family, destroys everything in her path to make it happen.. I don't get it, I don't understand it.. I don't get why she felt the need to block me from everything too before she left.. I wasn't even reaching out, wasn't following or looking, I don't get that extra step on her part to pretend like I never happened or to pretend that I don't exist anymore.. I know there's no one else out there better for me and I can't even make her see that we are meant to be.. I gotta hope the Universe shows that to her.. can't say I'm confident in that.. and that isn't fair to any other girl I would get with if I just settle.. Not that I would ever be so ****ing lucky again. ****, I hate this. I feel like such a giant piece of **** on the dating market. All the girls are taken or want nothing to do with me. Can't believe how lucky I was to get her in the first place.. I hate any moment I had where I didn't make her feel like what she was, the best thing to ever happen to me. Feel like I'm being punished for not being perfect every day, every moment with her, when the Universe went out of its way to give me what I had been begging/wishing for since I was old enough to love. If I had a second chance.. I wouldn't **** it up. I wouldn't make the same mistake ever again. I don't get why I'm not afforded this opportunity.. when guys who abuse, mentally, physically, guys who control, belittle, destroy.. get multiple opportunities.. and all I did was love her, support her, stand by her through the worst times in her life and I would do it all again. You're preaching to the choir brother. I treated her like gold for two years, had two bad weeks due to struggles in my life; she said I stressed her out and bolted. I also was trying to put my career together so we could make a life but she wasn't patient enough. I get no second chances either. However her druggie ex got a second and third chance....hell, she's probably back with him now (he cleaned up his act and got a decent job). There's no ****ing way that dude compares to me in any way, but whatever...she's missing out. Just like your girl.
Jonp219 Posted April 5, 2015 Posted April 5, 2015 Ugh lately I've been checking her twitter again and she hasn't been active in over a week. I need to stop checking but at the same time I hope she is ok. I'm going to stop checking, I still miss her. And to think, tomorrow will make 2 months since we broke up. It's only been 2 months? It feels like an eternity.
Throldur Posted April 5, 2015 Posted April 5, 2015 You're preaching to the choir brother. I treated her like gold for two years, had two bad weeks due to struggles in my life; she said I stressed her out and bolted. I also was trying to put my career together so we could make a life but she wasn't patient enough. I get no second chances either. However her druggie ex got a second and third chance....hell, she's probably back with him now (he cleaned up his act and got a decent job). There's no ****ing way that dude compares to me in any way, but whatever...she's missing out. Just like your girl. I got that too.. "It's just too stressful." I'm sitting there thinking, what is stressful? Apparently, talking to some other guy about moving away and him telling you why I am never going to commit is stressful, you know, instead of talking to me about the issues so I can fix them. I tried to explain to her, "Okay, these are your issues.. this is what I will do to solve them, in a month from now, will you even care or be stressed about this anymore since they will no longer be problems?". It's just a bunch of bull****. She bought this bull**** faery-tale idea that she could move away, find a great job, have the perfect relationship on her time and it would be happily ever after even though she admits she will regret it and said to me, "I know I'll be married sometime and say to myself, I could have had this with you." Then why the **** are you leaving? I don't get it. I see my friends status today about how he's moving in with his girlfriend. I ****ing broke down. Why the hell couldn't I have just moved in earlier with her? Maybe all of this never would have happened and I'd still be in my loving relationship. We'd be celebrating Easter together and it'd be glorious. But, even if I moved in with her.. she had the capacity to do this, she invited someone else into her life, and ran off to chase something she thought would be better but won't be. It kills me knowing she's going into the worst situation for her and she is doing it blindly. Scorching everything in her path to make it happen. She didn't just abandon me, she abandoned this beautiful kitten, her friends since high school, her mother who recently beat Breast Cancer. It wasn't even entirely due to me.. because if it was just about this guy, he would have stayed here for her.. she just wanted to move away and he made it easier and convenient for her. Though, I know they are together out there. She would accept that comfort to help her anxiety. Nothing in life is free and he's not giving her a free place to stay if they're not together. I just know he's isolating her, controlling her, and she won't see it until it is far too late.. but then, when she does realize, if she does, and comes back, will she even remember me or want to seek me out again? It's my only hope.
BlackbirdSong Posted April 5, 2015 Posted April 5, 2015 I'm not coping well at all. All I can think of is how she's bringing her new guy to her big family Easter dinner to introduce him to everybody. That was usually me. I miss her family and I really miss her. I can't contain my sadness. I'm dying inside. I'm realizing that she let me go gently with her bull**** cliches. She knew what she was doing. I thought it was spur of the moment, but it wasn't. She was already interested in somebody else, after two great years with me, but she was hunting for an excuse to break off. Then I gave it to her...with a nice bow on top. Like a ****ing present. I might as well have stabbed myself in the ****ing heart. Only to think that I was planning on proposing to her in two weeks. I'll probably have to go to the ER that day. 1
na49 Posted April 5, 2015 Posted April 5, 2015 Waiting for family to get here, and I check my email. Another email from my ex. She wants to talk to me, and have me in her life/respond to her previous email when I get the chance. Don't you think she should have thought about this before she decided to dump me the last two times? If she is so sure that I'm the problem, why does she keep coming back? I'm not even chasing her. As much of an ego boost as this is, I'd rather have no ego boost, than have this. She brags about her friends all the time, go talk to them if you want.. What do I have that they don't? I'd like to enjoy my time with the people I still have in my life. My family is awesome and they aren't going anywhere. 1
Throldur Posted April 6, 2015 Posted April 6, 2015 I give up. Hockey is the one thing I have going for me and tonight we had a chance to advance to the finals, I'm the goalie, we lost 3-2. The game winning goal went underneath the side of the net but the referee called it a goal.. instead of having a chance to win in OT, we have to go to the series deciding game and with my luck, I know where it's going. Universe just uses me as its little play doll. I should have known getting the love of my life was just a ****ing ruse. Wanted to give me everything I could possibly want just so it could take it all away from me. I've picked myself up off the ground too many times. I'm done. I got the message. The universe wants me to give up.. so I've given up. Do with me what you will.. I'm powerless anyways. 1
m4p Posted April 6, 2015 Posted April 6, 2015 Not so good! Had been okay for days or even weeks, but today I woke up with a pounding heart and a sense of loss. Anxiety shooting up and I am trying not to give in to the urge to just contact him or hear from him. So i came here to LS to pour my heart out before I do something I regret. It is a daily uphill struggle here.....
Stuck74 Posted April 6, 2015 Posted April 6, 2015 Four months. I fear that my counselor is not a wizard, it needs more to get me back in gear. Really depressed. Hating my job, "friends", family. People bother me. I lost my goal in life. My mom was in the hospital, I was like, oh wow, just what I needed. The poor woman was more worried about my life than I was about hers. My life is just what it is before I met her, but I'm not enjoying it at all, I hate it. I'm afraid that I'm turning into a cynic, I feel so related to guy. Haven't watched the news in months, who cares about the world, it's me who's falling apart. I'm glad I found this site, this NC thing has been relatively good for me. Otherwise I would've been writing letters, would have driven daily past her house, hoping to get a glimpse of her. I have no idea what's she's up to these days. Probably banging one or two of her exes, smoking pot. Why does she have to be so damn attractive, my little heart breaker. I'm a 6.7 tall not too bad looking guy. Always nice to everyone. They don't know me, when I am alone .
TunaCat Posted April 6, 2015 Posted April 6, 2015 Two weeks as of tomorrow. I miss him so much... I know I said I don't want to be someone's option, but it's KILLING me that he's not even TRYING to contact me. I've never been dumped, and I have to say that I'd rather be the dumper than the dumpee. My ex and I had been best friends since we were kids (nearly 20 years) so to go from talking to him often to not even hearing from him at all, hurts like nothing I've ever experienced. Someone talk me out of contacting him... Please?
Cupid's Puppet Posted April 6, 2015 Posted April 6, 2015 Is it spring? Is it Easter? I've been feeling so down these last few days. I am getting that feeling again like I may always feel like this. I just want to die. I don't look forward to anything else in life. I have zero desire for anything. Le sigh.
ApexTitanium Posted April 6, 2015 Posted April 6, 2015 Woke up feeling like complete ****, had dreams about her all night. God damn this **** sucks....pain just go away already damnit!
BlackbirdSong Posted April 6, 2015 Posted April 6, 2015 Woke up devastated....again. I can't accept this. I can't handle this. 1
Throldur Posted April 6, 2015 Posted April 6, 2015 Woke up devastated....again. I can't accept this. I can't handle this. You got this man.. Assuming that avatar is a picture of you? You're a good looking dude. I wish I looked like you, I would definitely feel a lot more comfortable approaching women. As for me, I slept in half the day.. No energy or will to do anything. I realized that the Universe has control over literally everything I do.. there's truly no point to existing or trying, I'm just ****ing done.. it's all out of my hands anyways and it is apparent that me having happiness is not on the priority list.. I'm just the toy you throw around and laugh at the way it breaks. 2
ASV Posted April 6, 2015 Posted April 6, 2015 I'm feeling worse than ever. Dunno if that's because of my meds and the withdrawal from some of them, but the alternation of high and low moments hurts me like hell. I fear a happy moment since I know that's the previous state to my über-depressed mood. I fear my moments of intense activity and future purposes since I know it precedes my useless-prick-mood in which I'm even unable to wipe my ass. And I dread my loss and I miss her as the perfect being she used to be to me, but I'm unable to move on from the easiness she's moved on if I'm to judge her for the quietness she's displayed to me since my birthday's call. Looks like I was her main burden and she's happy enough for not carrying it anymore. Oh, and today I dreamt of her making out with another dude in front of me - worst scenario I think of each night I hang out with my friends and FEAR entering a venue. 1
minimariah Posted April 6, 2015 Posted April 6, 2015 Woke up devastated....again. I can't accept this. I can't handle this. you can, trust. one day at a time... i know you're going through hell right now but trust me - that too, will pass. and it DOES get better, take it from someone who was in that same black hole of sadness, despair and misery as you are right now. just take it one day at a time, babysteps. do something for your body, soul and mind every single day. just don't lose hope and keep going. sending you positive vibes and many virtual hugs. 3
na49 Posted April 6, 2015 Posted April 6, 2015 I haven't slept since I started getting emails from my ex. I didn't even respond, but it's still got my mind wandering. I check my email every so often to see if she's sent me a followup. Even though I won't respond, it's nice to know I'm still on her mind. She's so desperate to keep me in her life, but she was the one who decided to break up with me. If she wants to explore, why would she need me in her life? Did she really expect me to become her best friend, and forget about all of the pain she's caused me? I've come to the conclusion that my ex isn't a bad person. She's a great friend because she has literally millions of friends. She is just a TERRIBLE girlfriend who treated me (her ex boyfriend) terribly. She's also someone who I can't be "just friends" with. 1
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