Twigyy Posted April 1, 2015 Posted April 1, 2015 Start of day 30. Yesterday's afternoon was fine, able to get myself distracted for quite a bit. Just felt disappointed on the previous relationship.. It just s**ks to be able to give love to someone who just doesn't give as much, and in the end the one who gave the most gets dumped and get all heart broken.. Why am I doing this? Why am I feeling all these? I only wanted to be ****ing happy..
Twigyy Posted April 1, 2015 Posted April 1, 2015 I just remembered on her last birthday I stepped out of my shy boundaries and bought her a rose.. She carried that thing around and placed it on the table when we're eating outside, etc, making me look like a fool. She was really happy. It just came to my head, and I started crying.. Too bad I can't feel the same thing again anymore..
na49 Posted April 1, 2015 Posted April 1, 2015 I've got all of the urges again. They aren't strong enough for me to act on them. I came to another scary truth today. The next guy that my ex dates will have literally nothing to do with me. Sure, the guy she left me to be with had something to do with me. He was in the picture when she was with me, and she chose him over me. The next guy won't though. I will just go on the long list of guys that she dated, and I will officially be a memory. If I'm not a memory already. I also realized that she WILL have sex with other people. She had sex with the guy she left me for, twice. She WILL get d*ck from other guys, and will enjoy it all the same. It makes me sick. Sex is all over the place in our culture, and the only thing I can think about when I see it is of her and someone who isn't me. :sick: Not doing well today. but I've been through this enough to know that I am going to have days like this.
TunaCat Posted April 1, 2015 Posted April 1, 2015 I miss him so much. I keep wanting to check in with him. I want him to reach out to me. I hate, HATE that I'm feeling like this. I am such a strong woman, but I miss him and I cannot believe everything went to hell. I keep thinking about him, especially at night. Is he thinking about me? Is he sorry he ended it? Does he miss me? I know, I know I should not be obsessively thinking about him right now. I know I'm giving him all the power blah, blah, blah. Will continue to do NC, although if he contacts me again, I don't think I'll be able to resist him.
BlackbirdSong Posted April 2, 2015 Posted April 2, 2015 I'm sick of wearing a mask. All day long. It is so exhausting. I'm sick of coming home and breaking down. All night long. It is so exhausting. I'm sick of overthinking and overanalyzing every past conversation, every past text message, everything. It is so exhausting. I'm sick of torturing my dear friends to death about my pain. The pain that has reached depths that are unfathomable. They tell me I'm too good for her. She is missing out. She's thin-skinned. She did not truly love me. She didn't know how lucky she was. In one ear, out the other. I'm deaf to their thoughts. I'm filled with grief. I'm filled with guilt. I'm filled with despair. I'm drowning. I really miss you. 2
Familia Posted April 2, 2015 Posted April 2, 2015 BlackbirdSong Well said, I am feeling every emotion and pain you are going through. I just can't smile inside or outside anymore, I am tired, Exhausted, In pain, every day every minute is a struggle. * Polly (Anni) I love you so much xoxoxo
TunaCat Posted April 3, 2015 Posted April 3, 2015 It would be great if I had billions of party invitations, tons of friends and men knocking down my door in order to date me, but I don't. I have literally no friends, I'm not considered hot or sexy, and I don't have party invitations coming in my inbox daily. So as great as those sound, and as much as I'd love to do those in order to help me forget about how much I hurt, I don't have the looks or the friends. So my coping skills involve hitting my comfort food and spending time with family. Yeah, sounds pathetic, doesn't it?
BlackbirdSong Posted April 3, 2015 Posted April 3, 2015 I had a full blown panic attack today right before I was leaving my house for my mma training. It totally paralysed me. I am not coping well no matter what I do. This pain has to end. I'm so angry that I didn't end up going to training, but I did manage to go lift and run at the gym. Needless to say, I still feel like ****. She's never coming back. She moved on. ****! !!!!!!!!!!!!
na49 Posted April 3, 2015 Posted April 3, 2015 I don't know if anyone else has felt this way, but right now I feel myself wanting to feel like complete sh*t. I'm not actually feeling like sh*t, but it's such a comfortable and familiar feeling, that I want to go back there. I really want to contact her, but I am so curious to see if she reaches out to me on our what would have been our anniversary this coming week. She'd reached out to me on our anniversary once before and we ended up getting back together. I don't expect that to happen this time, but if the date means as much to her as it does to me, then I'd expect her to have a hard time.
I4givehim Posted April 3, 2015 Posted April 3, 2015 I had a few drinks tonight and did I give him a piece of my mind. Ooooops! Did I say that. Blahaha. ... God forgive him for what he has done to me and the kids. I deserve so much better. I'm looking forward to a better future
AIJ Posted April 3, 2015 Posted April 3, 2015 Having a rough day for the first time in a while. Can't get her off of my mind, I just feel incredibly bitter towards the fact she jumped in to a new relationship so quickly.
NopeNah Posted April 3, 2015 Posted April 3, 2015 Talked to her last night about what I think the problems are/were...I got back nothing but "me,me,I,me,me". Self centered much? Guess that would be a problem Today.. completing a huge job,with a huge payday! 2
na49 Posted April 3, 2015 Posted April 3, 2015 I woke up thinking about her getting f*cked every which way by the guy she left me for. Even though he dumped her after a month, it still bugs the crap out of me. Anything relating to sex makes me uncomfortable now because her having sex with someone who isn't me is all I think of.
Throldur Posted April 3, 2015 Posted April 3, 2015 I don't cry nearly as much as I did. I'm able to function normally, somewhat normally now.. I came home last night from a party.. My Mother was really excited about this, there was some girl there that she was hoping I would hit it off with, well, this girl just wasn't my type, was shy, and basically stayed away from everyone in the party anyhow.. I just got in the door, told the truth about the party and just went to bed. She asked me further about it this morning and I just basically told her, I know your intentions are great and you want me to be better, be positive and have an outlook that embraces love with someone else but the truth is.. I love my ex, she's everything I could have ever wished for and it was a miracle she was drawn to me too.. We just have to embrace the fact that unless a miracle brings my miracle back, that I'm just going to be alone. We just have to be OK with that. She was upset. Got angry at me, angry at herself because she thinks it reflects on her as a parent but it doesn't. I have the most amazing family. I'm grateful for them and I wouldn't be alive through this if it weren't for them because they are what make me stronger than I am. It sucks that she's so hurt by this and she wants absolutely nothing to do with my ex simply because of how hurt this has all made me. I want to be the only one hurting over this. I had what I wanted. It's gone. It's going to take a miracle for me to get a second chance with my ex or someone else that hits that standard. I'll hope for it. But I'm a realist.
ASV Posted April 3, 2015 Posted April 3, 2015 (edited) I don't cry nearly as much as I did. I'm able to function normally, somewhat normally now.. I came home last night from a party.. My Mother was really excited about this, there was some girl there that she was hoping I would hit it off with, well, this girl just wasn't my type, was shy, and basically stayed away from everyone in the party anyhow.. I just got in the door, told the truth about the party and just went to bed. She asked me further about it this morning and I just basically told her, I know your intentions are great and you want me to be better, be positive and have an outlook that embraces love with someone else but the truth is.. I love my ex, she's everything I could have ever wished for and it was a miracle she was drawn to me too.. We just have to embrace the fact that unless a miracle brings my miracle back, that I'm just going to be alone. We just have to be OK with that. She was upset. Got angry at me, angry at herself because she thinks it reflects on her as a parent but it doesn't. I have the most amazing family. I'm grateful for them and I wouldn't be alive through this if it weren't for them because they are what make me stronger than I am. It sucks that she's so hurt by this and she wants absolutely nothing to do with my ex simply because of how hurt this has all made me. I want to be the only one hurting over this. I had what I wanted. It's gone. It's going to take a miracle for me to get a second chance with my ex or someone else that hits that standard. I'll hope for it. But I'm a realist. I know how does that feel, dude. I wouldn't change a comma. I cannot imagine how could I get someone I could love and DESIRE as I did with my ex, was she clothed or nude. I will surely miss her passion and I cannot even get hard when thinking about sex just means thinking about what I've missed and someone luckier is about to experience soon, if not now. I just need a miracle too, and no breadcrumbs since my birthday (dunno if should I call them as such) makes my head ache and think at how low she valued me. I feel like I won't be able to attain someone half as attractive. Today I remembered something I told to my previous therapist. She used to have very intense menstrual pains. I always thought I would be more than happy to carry her burden on such days. However, she was unable to hold me down when I started my medical treatment and dumped me "out of love". Karma, where are you? Take her back, please. Edited April 3, 2015 by Van Norden
Throldur Posted April 3, 2015 Posted April 3, 2015 I know how does that feel, dude. I wouldn't change a comma. I cannot imagine how could I get someone I could love and DESIRE as I did with my ex, was she clothed or nude. I will surely miss her passion and I cannot even get hard when thinking about sex just means thinking about what I've missed and someone luckier is about to experience soon, if not now. I just need a miracle too, and no breadcrumbs since my birthday (dunno if should I call them as such) makes my head ache and think at how low she valued me. I feel like I won't be able to attain someone half as attractive. Today I remembered something I told to my previous therapist. She used to have very intense menstrual pains. I always thought I would be more than happy to carry her burden on such days. However, she was unable to hold me down when I started my medical treatment and dumped me "out of love". Karma, where are you? Take her back, please. I'm just completely worried that what I had done after the break-up might have ruined the chance of NC/GIGS ending bringing her back to me. The night she broke up with me, I got one of those text messages about how I was right and she regretted breaking up with me, couldn't spend one night without me.. Then I said, ok, I'm lost without you, let's meet and work this out. She was going to, then, assuming the co-worker who she lives with now talked her out of it, she went back to.. no, it's over, please don't wait for me. Went into NC.. then texted her two days later seeing what was up but nothing changed. Went NC and during a month of NC, I was getting messages from a friend saying my ex was having moments of weakness thinking about talking to me.. but she was flying out for a trip to Ontario (where she moved) so I had to break NC to see if there was a chance, she was still flip-floppy, I got angry about the trip and offered again to work out the issues we had, she was kind of there, then kind of not.. then I just ended it and said I can't do it unless we are both invested in it and she was not going to back out of this trip.. so went back into NC.. which she ended by asking me to take the kitten. I took the kitten but I did send her some messages about how I lost my job and it would be difficult for me to take her, then I told her that giving up the kitten is extremely not like her and then told her that she was a beautiful person with a beautiful soul/heart, that she needs to stop listening to what everyone else has to say and their opinions, put her phone down and decide what she wants and who she wants to be. Moving away isn't going to solve anything and that she's the type of person who loves life, laughs so hard her whole body shakes, she's not this lying, cheating, run away type of individual she is becoming by listening to these new influences.. She told me she just wanted to be left alone (basically anything that challenged her GIGS she didn't want to hear as she was getting it from her friends/family that she was making some horrible choices).. when I went to get the kitten, I was met by her father who had said she didn't want anymore contact with me, that I was harrassing her and she was considering calling the cops (overly dramatic and simply not true, I actually didn't say one mean thing to her.. and she was the one who had been texting me while she was at work, I didn't put a gun to her head, she could respond at any time).. She did end up moving but it won't last long.. Just wondering if the roller-coaster after the break-up completely removed any of the potential pull when GIGS ends.. Completely terrified at this point.
batt Posted April 4, 2015 Posted April 4, 2015 Not good, not good at all. Who am I kidding? I thought I was over her, but I'm not. I've completely shut out family, and friends. It's effecting me pretty ****ing bad. So lost and confused about everything...this ****ing sucks
TunaCat Posted April 4, 2015 Posted April 4, 2015 I woke up this morning feeling so peaceful & relaxed. He dumped me. He doesn't get to say "maybe we'll get back together." I am not an option. I am a priority. He doesn't get to choose me if his dating pool is bad. I deserve better than that. I will be someone's priority someday. 1
dyna85 Posted April 4, 2015 Posted April 4, 2015 Experiencing some really crazy emotions as of late... Just thought I'd comment on it.
Jonp219 Posted April 4, 2015 Posted April 4, 2015 To my surprise, I have been feeling better these past few days. Yesterday I decided to get myself out of the apartment and go eat with some of my friends. It was my first Friday night out since before the break up back in the beginning of February. I must say, I enjoyed myself, it was nice to indulge in the company of some of my friends again. During the car ride, there were a lot of songs playing on the radio that reminded me of my ex. However, I didn't experience that heart sinking feeling I use to get back in early March, it was sort of amazing. Going out isn't the only thing I've done these past few days. I've also been learning how to properly channel my anger in various ways. I've noticed certain aspects of myself that I never caught before. I've noticed that if I workout for at least 30 minutes of the day, I feel more relieved to the point that can control my emotions much easier for the remainder of the day. This means that working out is vital for me, therefore, I should do it more frequently to keep myself from going off the wall. Writing has also been therapeutic for me. It's important for me to express myself, and putting it into words is the best way I can do that. I might decide to venture down different avenues when it comes to art, but for now writing will be my main outlet. As for my status this morning: I feel...content. I only slept 3 hours, but I feel alright. I feel like I'm at a cross between, "I miss her alot" and, "You're going to be ok, Jonathan". I honestly feel like i'm arriving at that point where I'm starting to realize that this is all for me. Although I'm NOWHERE NEAR the point of indifference, I hope I can someday prove to my ex that I can change. However, I can't prove that to her, to my mom, to my brother or to my friends, UNLESS i can prove it to MYSELF first! I can't promise you all that I'm not going to go crazy from time to time. But, this is where I'm at right now at this moment. To my ex Michelle: I love you. I don't know for how long, but I love you. You never did me wrong and you taught me a valuable lesson. One that I needed to learn on my own. However, I'm going to have to take you down that pedestal sweetie. I'm the captain of this ship now
dvx Posted April 4, 2015 Posted April 4, 2015 Hitting the 2 week mark of NC today. Feeling like ****, not a single breadcrumb. She ain't even viewing my snap stories. Feels like the hope is slightly fading away.
BlackbirdSong Posted April 4, 2015 Posted April 4, 2015 I'm so ****ing sad. I can't stop being sad. I can't stop thinking about her although it's been two months and she hasn't even reached out once.
Throldur Posted April 4, 2015 Posted April 4, 2015 I'm so ****ing sad. I can't stop being sad. I can't stop thinking about her although it's been two months and she hasn't even reached out once. In the same boat, man. On some level I'm almost happier that she moved away simply because I know that there won't be a message waiting on my phone for me any time soon and if we are meant to be, she reaches out to me, it will only work after she realizes that moving away was just her running away from things she was unable to face on her own. Hopefully she'll be stronger, more mature and be capable of going the distance with me this time. As for you.. I think we all know the truth.. if exes are meant to come back to us, they will reach out when we stop thinking that they will, normally this is after we've moved on. Try to find some closure at this point. 1
Throldur Posted April 5, 2015 Posted April 5, 2015 Just sitting here thinking... Everything is so ****ed up. I truly lost the girl of my dreams and there's no guarantee she will come back. Can't believe I truly lost the girl I was meant to be with and I have to live with it knowing I may never get a second chance..
BlackbirdSong Posted April 5, 2015 Posted April 5, 2015 Just sitting here thinking... Everything is so ****ed up. I truly lost the girl of my dreams and there's no guarantee she will come back. Can't believe I truly lost the girl I was meant to be with and I have to live with it knowing I may never get a second chance.. I feel the exact same and it's tearing me up inside.
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