kenmore Posted February 24, 2015 Posted February 24, 2015 I was going through some pics, I swore I had deleted all the pics with her, but jfc, I found a few and now I can't stop crying. Been there! My first wife died. Pictures of her were so damned painful, but all I could do was put them all around the house. My second (current) wife didn't like them and I don't blame her. Time to move on, right? Kinda. It was OK, but consideration of someone else is important. Well, my (current) wife also disavowed me near our anniversary (today.) She doesn't care about me anymore. I am moving on, meaning a new woman and a new life. Lord love her, Thanks for the word to date someone else! Wow, do I need that or what? Not!!...at least not yet. Sorry, I can't let go now. Call me a sucker! So I really feel torn. I know we're finished. I am not caring anymore but I do still "care". I still love my step-daughter so much and can't just let go so easily. Knowing we're done helps. I use that constantly, but damn it! So, not truly moving on then, am I? Well, at least I'm selling insurance. My latest client is so kind and wonderful I am blessed to have her! Just wishing well to everyone. I will move on, it just takes time.. Ken
freebird31 Posted February 24, 2015 Posted February 24, 2015 Today is my exs bday. Not really doing all that well :/
freebird31 Posted February 24, 2015 Posted February 24, 2015 Did something incredibly dumb and expected things to go as planned. Instead I got exactly what I deserved. Feeling like a fool. I'm really confused with what I want in life . I'm not even sure if I want something serious. But I just want to stop feeling so alone. My school work is suffering. I'm not the drinking or partying type but last weekend I went out three times just to get my mind off my stress. Now today is my exs birthday. Couldn't get any worst. I feel like I'm digging myself in this hole. I have no real friends to talk to about it. Just this forum as always. Just feel very alone and stressed and I wish u could get away from all of this stress.
freebird31 Posted February 24, 2015 Posted February 24, 2015 I never understood the concept of partying or drinking before. But it really helps with blocking out all the stress for a few hours. Obviously it doesn't solve the real issue but it makes u forget everything for a few hours. Sometimes u just need that. I need to somehow get through these next few months so that I can graduate. But something is seriously wrong with me . I feel so out of the loop. I feel burnt out from school. And everything. I feel mentally and emotionally exhausted. I need a get away :/ I really don't know how I'm going to make it through this last semester. Something is wrong with me this semester .
freebird31 Posted February 24, 2015 Posted February 24, 2015 I did something incredibly low for myself. I am just going to share it on here who cares. Well I figured since my ex is still in the very back of my mind I don't think I want to get serious until I resolve how to forget him completely. Also I'm 23 why should I be getting serious. But I feel so damn alone. So I thought of this brilliant idea -sarcasm. I thought why not have a friends with benefits type of fling. So I asked the last guy I was talking to if he was down for that. He said he was. Tbh by intentions weren't all that true. Tbh I wanted to just stop feeling alone and to forget the stress . He told me he would me up with me last night. Well he stood me up. But I mean that is exactly what I deserve the kind of wake up call I needed. But now I feel so humiliated and low about myself. And now today is my eXS birthday. And I just cannot. I need to get away from this stress somehow. Because I feel like I'm going to lose it any moment now. I'm going to have a nervous breakdown.
na49 Posted February 24, 2015 Posted February 24, 2015 I'd imagine an ex's birthday is a very hard day to deal with. My ex's birthday is this summer, and I know that will be a very hard day for me. Just the thought of her having her big group of friends to celebrate with her, and me not being there... sh*t hurts... I'm doing okay today. I've been doing better when it comes to my stupid urges. I'm bored right now so I do feel like doing all of the dumb things like checking her Facebook, but I am also afraid of it. I saw her in passing today which sucked. It kills me how her life goes on like nothing happened, and it seems like mine is stuck.
freebird31 Posted February 24, 2015 Posted February 24, 2015 today is his birthday. why do i care? i dont know why. its just so annoying it has been so long. i looked back at our message thread and it shows me (i dont think he knows this) that he last opened our thread twice within the last 2 months. thats weird. I think a part of me is a little bit crazy sometimes. i come up with these crazy and impulsive ideas and i really thought that the last guy i was talking to was pretty crazy and had issues. but it turns out he is a lot more normal than i am. because standing me up and not following through with my crazy plan was probably a smart decision. Well its great to know that I am more crazy than he is. i really need to somehow get through with these next two months. just two more months. thats all. if i can get through this everything will be okay. then i can take the summer off and clear my mind. this is my last semester in school before i graduate and i am having last minute doubts about what i want to do. to be honest, getting away and taking a nice long vacation away maybe live somewhere tropical, sounds really nice to me. i have a million things wrong with me to be honest. I really liked this guy that works the front desk at the gym, but i honestly feel like im too unstable for someone as normal and nice and good all around as him. i feel kind of stuck. I feel like my behavior is very self-destructive lately. I just need a small get away. actually a long get away. a year off maybe. The guy at the gym is so sweet and im sure someone will take him as soon as they get the chance. Those don't come around too often. But again im mentally and emotionally unstable. Tbh, sometimes i think that I am a little bit crazy. I used to be this different person. I used to be normal. I used to have this big heart. I use to be this person that gives and gives. That would always get walked all over. I used to think of people before my own self. That girl seems gone. Lately i think of dark, very dark thoughts. I think of the people who were supposed to be loyal and true to me, who hurt me. hurt me. I say to myself that I dont really care that my best friend and I aren't friends anymore. But if i didnt care, why did it hurt so much all those times that she was a bad friend. I think i have just found out a way to block out the pain, i cant feel anymore. so i mistake that as not caring anymore. deep down, that shi+ effed me up. its just life they say. Well have you ever been dumped and rejected by someone you cared about, and hurt by your best friend...all at one time? I dont think so. I'm still coping with it all. im not the same as i used to be. The old me was sweet, she had a heart of gold. She would do anything for those she loved. But me, the new me....she is dark and cold. And aloof. And when she looks at the happiness between others, she feels nothing but bitterness. She doesnt feel joy. She has scars. She thinks about these supposed people who claimed to love her. And did nothing but destroy her
Oneness Posted February 24, 2015 Posted February 24, 2015 Just reread all these emails between my exboyfriend and I. Trying to shock myself back into reality. I was miserable with him a lot of the time...yes, the good times were glorious...but it was not worth the crazy, the fights, the verbal and emotional abuse. It has been so hard to believe he is gone for good...that the cycle has finally ended. I guess a part of me wanted it back...I was conditioned to the toxic drama. I must have fleas. I need to let go...I need to stop thinking about him. I feel so empty inside..he takes up so much of my thoughts, I need to let that go. No more FB stalking...no more dwelling on the past. It has been 4 months....when will I start to feel better? I know....this article just came out and it makes sense. Sandra Says | I have to be patient with myself...only I am just devastated by all I went through...it's like I have been "hit by a train," lke the article says. Each and every day is so agonizing....I fear I don't have the strength to make it through. 1
LivinDeadGrl Posted February 25, 2015 Posted February 25, 2015 I am not doing good today. I don't understand how I can be so upset over him telling me to get the f out of his life, when after everything he has done to me and put me through it should have been me saying it. I guess because I care about him so much. It's hard to go NC when you've talked to the person every day for the last 4 years. I have a feeling he has someone else, because he is afraid to be alone... How can he just cut me off so easily? I feel like I have been dumped, even though itnwas initiaily mutual. I have cried every day since he told me to F off and deleted me from facebook. I can't sleep and can barely eat. Everyone seems to think he has someone else too. That doesn't help things. I have to break NC because we have financial things I have to discuss with him and I am so scared of his rejection. I don't know why, I was not happy in the relationship... I think the wondering is what's killing me most...
darkbloom Posted February 25, 2015 Posted February 25, 2015 I had the strange urge to tell him about my day yesterday. It wasn't anything special, but he used to understand being in different parts of the city all day. I think it was just all the driving when I would normally talk to him. The urge was pretty strong all night once I got into bed. It's a good thing I deleted his number and all ways of communicating with him. I couldn't sabotage my own healing. I decided to play music and read a book at the same time to distract myself. It sort of worked. I feel weird today, the depth of the hurt isn't there anymore. It's more like an annoying itch. I am flabbergasted that I have gone this long NC.I hope he becomes some dude I used to date once in my head. That's how I feel about the rest of them. It might also be that the new guy I was talking to just stopped texting back out of the blue. Haven't heard from him since Friday night. Not reading too much into it though. And I sent the last text so I won't send another one until I hear back from him.
LivinDeadGrl Posted February 25, 2015 Posted February 25, 2015 So I broke NC last night and texted, as I had to go over some financial things with him and get them sorted. He called me about a half hour later and I answered. We spoke about our argument, and that he felt i back stabbed him. I told him he must have misunderstood what I said... He was upset I blocked him on Facebook (but he had deleted me before this). He ended up coming over and we slept together. It felt good to be in his arms. Today I talked to him again once or twice, he is still debating on where he should live. He is a bit cold toward me, I am trying my best to be the same. He is hanging out with the women that lives in the apartment below us a lot. She lives with her boyfriend but he does not know they hang out. She thought my ex was keeping it from me as well, but he hasn't. He asked her why? we aren't doing anything wrong. It pisses me off she thinks he would keep them hanging out from me. I don't like her. I still feel like I am dying inside even with the contact we've had. I don't know what to do. Maybe the contact is prolonging my sadness. Why am I so sad?!! he is not a good partner!
tryingtodealwithit Posted February 25, 2015 Posted February 25, 2015 feeling like i want my ex back the last couple of days. i miss the good times we have. it doesn't help that she "accidentally" text me about a week and a half ago. we hadn't had any contact for about 3 months at that point. it's been even longer since i've contacted her. who knows, maybe it was an accident. i don't think it was, but maybe that's because its what i want to believe. i didn't bother responding to it and that's been quite easy to do. i absolutely refuse to contact her after how she left me and treated me afterwards. i'd be willing to talk, but she's going to have to reach out and say "i want to talk." i don't know, just need to vent i guess. it doesn't matter all that much. there's a million valid reasons why we shouldn't be together. i'm just focusing on the little bit of good that we had. i do hope the day comes where she apologizes and/or tries to come back. i'd say it's still possible since she randomly finds ways/excuses to contact me. i know people here always say it's just bread crumbs and the dumper being selfish, but people don't contact people they don't care about to some degree or another in my opinion. a lack of indifference says they still care to one degree or another--even if they don't want to come back.
Oneness Posted February 26, 2015 Posted February 26, 2015 I am going to work on myself, and stop beating myself up and crying about my exboyfriend anymore. I just can't go on in pain every day. I am going to look at my future as bright, instead of empty without him. Give my self daily affirmations, have an attitude of gratitude, be thankful for what I have and hopeful about my future, use mindfulness to ground myself. I will do things I used to love doing, actively search for things that make me happy...and not look for my happiness in relationships. I know I can do this...I have been able to do it before him. I will do anything and everything to move on....or else this pain will take over and I will become non functional. 2
freebird31 Posted February 26, 2015 Posted February 26, 2015 I really feel like I am losing my mind. Something is going on with me that I have never really experienced before. It is not depression. It is not emotional. It is more mental than anything. I feel like I am lost ....i feel like I have completely checked out of reality. I am barely making it through this last semester. I do not know what triggered it. The last guy I dated is really the only person that can understand and has never once judged me. Because he is crazier than I am. I really feel like I am going crazy. but maybe not so, because I still am aware of it. I do not know what triggered this mentality. I got through almost 2 years without my ex. Why would it suddenly effect me mentally until now? I have gone 1 year without my best friend, again why would would it suddenly be affecting me now? Something is going on with me. It is beyond burnout, it is beyond depression, its mental. I am completely lost. I am losing it. It has been this way for 1 week now.
freebird31 Posted February 26, 2015 Posted February 26, 2015 I really do think it has to do with them though. with my ex and my ex best friend . i know it has something to do with them. how they screwed me over. both of them. i have lost it. I am tryng my very best to not go in a downward spiral from here, but im hanging on from a string. If i could i really would drop out of school right now. Thats how bad this is. I just have one more semester so if i did that, i would regret it . I need a break. I am on the verge of something self-destructiing. how will i get through this. i dont know.
Brokenpenguin Posted February 26, 2015 Posted February 26, 2015 its been about 5 weeks the anger is going and now I miss her, I miss her quiet pretty damn badly. However im doing a lot better than I thought I would be im just worried its a downwards spiral from here.
na49 Posted February 26, 2015 Posted February 26, 2015 I had my first meeting with a counselor today, and she was a big help. I got a lot of good insight on myself and my ex. I realized my positive qualities and my ex's negative qualities. I feel good about things right now, and I feel like things can get better for me. Hopefully this feeling can last a while. 2
Author Riou Posted February 27, 2015 Author Posted February 27, 2015 (edited) I feel tired and more cautious when knowing people these days..it's been almost 2 years soon.Had interest in a few women and they gave positive signals too but in the process something often seems to put me off.Maybe i am really a greal deal more careful after being hurt.Some of the things she said post break up before i went no contact moved my faith in people,it's scary how someone who claimed to love you deeply once can deliberately hurt you for themselves to feel better about a break up.It made me doubt whether i am a good judge of people or am i a fool in seeing the real core of people. I always feel a blanket of depression covering me for no reason when i get home after being happy and having fun with people.The powerful surge that zaps from being happy to being sad for no reason kills. Edited February 27, 2015 by Riou
freebird31 Posted February 27, 2015 Posted February 27, 2015 Thinking of changing my phone number and deleting my facebook. Then my ex will have no way of ever getting a hold of me. Plus I think I need to filter out a lot of people in my life. People who suck out the energy. I think a new number would be a fresh new start. I have had this number for over 10 years.
Itspointless Posted February 27, 2015 Posted February 27, 2015 I really feel like I am losing my mind. Something is going on with me that I have never really experienced before. It is not depression. It is not emotional. It is more mental than anything. I feel like I am lost ....i feel like I have completely checked out of reality. I am barely making it through this last semester. I do not know what triggered it. The last guy I dated is really the only person that can understand and has never once judged me. Because he is crazier than I am. I really feel like I am going crazy. but maybe not so, because I still am aware of it. I do not know what triggered this mentality. I got through almost 2 years without my ex. Why would it suddenly effect me mentally until now? I have gone 1 year without my best friend, again why would would it suddenly be affecting me now? Something is going on with me. It is beyond burnout, it is beyond depression, its mental. I am completely lost. I am losing it. It has been this way for 1 week now. You are not lost, but you need to get rid of the thought what we can control everything in life. We really cannot and it will drive you insane as it costs a lot of valuable energy. Learn to meditate, I mean we have to learn to get silent. Sometimes we need to get out of our heads and temporary emotions to get to know ourselves again.
sammiexo Posted February 28, 2015 Posted February 28, 2015 Work is a crapshow so that has been keeping me distracted, however it's not a good thing..I feel my life spiraling down the toilet because I just don't care about anything anymore.
ralfgarnett Posted February 28, 2015 Posted February 28, 2015 Work is a crapshow so that has been keeping me distracted, however it's not a good thing..I feel my life spiraling down the toilet because I just don't care about anything anymore. I kind of agree with this, I have been struggling again and broke down in the pub last night with my mates I had to phone a taxi and come home to bed, I thought it was just girls that did that not big strapping blokes like me,
Oneness Posted February 28, 2015 Posted February 28, 2015 I took a step back today...cried for the first time in a while. I guess the grief cycle isn't done with me yet...but it has only been 4 months NC. Sometimes the burden of all I have to bare feels like too much...for once in my life, I wish someone would help me carry it. I do have some good friends, but no one in the position to really help me like I need. I just want some relief...I have a long, hard process to heal, I have an emotionally disturbed child to contend with, and I am tired of being the strong one. For once, I wish someone could be strong for me...once upon the time, I thought I had that person. My exboyfriend was my rock in the beginning of our relationship, and I miss that so much. Unfortunately, that was not who he was...only a part of him. The other part was toxic and destructive and destroyed me...sometimes I don't know how I manage at all. I only manage because my committment, love and devotion to my son trumps any other part of my life....
Brokenpenguin Posted February 28, 2015 Posted February 28, 2015 Found out ex just broke up with the guy she left me for, feels weird in fact I think I was coping pretty well but this has some how made things worse
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