Baller1234 Posted February 15, 2015 Posted February 15, 2015 First day or NC desperately want to contact her, we talked everyday for a year and a half. But know of I do I'm just going get insulted and made too feel like the fool again, gradually just gotta get through it day by day #TeamNotBreakingNC 1
Itspointless Posted February 15, 2015 Posted February 15, 2015 In one of the supermarkets I regularly visit there is a cashier who is half the age of my ex, but she really reminds me of her. Every time I am there she smiles in a really sweet way at me and I am left thinking about my ex. I miss her smile.
Brokenpenguin Posted February 15, 2015 Posted February 15, 2015 Its going to sound stupid but the weather is getting better and its making me feel worse, a lot worse. The weather this past few weeks has been pretty dark and gloomy but now its getting brighter and warmer i don't know what it is but its making me feel bad
kenmore Posted February 16, 2015 Posted February 16, 2015 Penguin, most people would be so envious and I can't complain but I live in San Diego and it has been in the mid '70s here all damned week! I wish it was as gloomy as I feel. I feel dismal and the weather is smokin' Normally I would love it but (hate to say it) it's "normal" and I need to get some of my crap out of my system. Having lovely days just makes me yearn for doing fun things with my wife which we did whenever the weather was nice. I apologize for the petty complaint. I know the weather is horrible for many and I feel badly for them (you maybe?) and I guess I just don't know how to feel really. Sorry, we all feel bad and I wish you better feelings in the future! Ken
LoneWolf5493 Posted February 16, 2015 Posted February 16, 2015 Okay so 5 weeks after NC, and i'm beginning to feel better. Over the weekend i decided i don't care anymore if she comes back or not, though it would be nice if she did. She quit her job (we worked together), which i know is because of me, so that is at least something to go by. I still have an effect on her, whether it's negative or positive. Fact is, i'm still affecting her; the opposite of love, isn't hate... it's indifference. But, i don't care. She can do what she wants. It's her loss, not mine. And if she really wanted to be "just friends" she'd have at least tried to make the effort to get back into my life, but she hasn't so... moving on! Though i still have episodes now and then...
FancyFace Posted February 16, 2015 Posted February 16, 2015 @Kenmore: So about the date... We met up at a restaurant/bar that is just across from my workplace. It was a lovely experience. He was funny, charming, witty, and most of all, he came across as very self assured. I had a blast on the date and during the date, I only thought about my ex in the fleeting moments where we discussed our previous partners, otherwise my focus was completely in the moment. I made sure I read up on narcissitic traits before I went on the date, just to make sure I was prepared and so far he did not exhibit any. The red flag that flew up was that he had just broken up with his girlfriend in January after a 4 year relationship. Clearly he has other things to worry about than dating. All in all, it was a lovely way to spend a Friday evening other than my usual method of being at home curled up with my teddy bear, watching DVD's, experiencing FOMO of the worst kind LOL. Emotionally I bounced back and forth a bit this weekend. I had a bit of a moment when two days later he still hadnt called, but I have accepted that he is just not that into me and I refuse to take it personally and make it all about me. That is my default setting, to blame myself for other peoples decisions and make their choices about my not being good enough. I am working very hard to change that about aspect about myself. I cannot be tying my worth to my ability (or inability) to get and keep a man, that is just a recipe for disaster. I have to like myself outside of the dating sphere and that will translate into a better quality life in general and love life in particular. I am taking the moment for what it was. It showed me that there are other people out there, I can have a good time, I can flirt and have nice conversations with and not go off the deep end and the temporary ego boost was fantastic. 1
ralfgarnett Posted February 16, 2015 Posted February 16, 2015 Its going to sound stupid but the weather is getting better and its making me feel worse, a lot worse. The weather this past few weeks has been pretty dark and gloomy but now its getting brighter and warmer i don't know what it is but its making me feel bad That's weird same thing has been happening to me, I thought the brighter weather would help but its having the opposite effect on me, been awake since 2am having an horrendous panic attack just waiting to see my GP this morning wish me luck everyone.
Oneness Posted February 16, 2015 Posted February 16, 2015 (edited) Not doing good again....I had been feeling better, thought I was at the acceptance part of the grief cycle...but I slipped back into depression. No matter how much I tell myself it was toxic and would always be that way, I am hurting. I can't wait until I can just get on with my life and not think about him anymore, not care that I lost 7 years of my life and so much more to him. Not care that he is moving on without me, and could never be the man he claimed he could be so the abuse would stop...I need to work on acceptance again, but I don't know how. Truthfully, the only thing keeping me NC this time is my PTSD...he scares the f*** out of me. I stay away from triggers, because they push me into a panic attack. I know that due him being a classic BPD, it is pointless to consider reconcilliation. I don't have the ability to withstand his behavior anymore...not only is my fear too great, but the only way would be for me to train myself to cope with his disorder...and I am too damaged for that at this point. I resist the pull to go back into denial, just to experience the honeymoon phase again...it is an unhealthy addiction. I have never been addicted to anything...but him. Because when I put the blinders back on, and he is behaving, I am so happy, so giddy...I really loved him so much the first two years of our relationship, before the BPD monster took him over and went after me... So hard...makes me want to crawl into bed and never come out... Edited February 16, 2015 by Oneness 2
freebird31 Posted February 17, 2015 Posted February 17, 2015 Hm my laptop crashed . Feeling super stressed. Although I needed it for school maybe this will give me the motivation to get off my butt and start doing other things than surf the web all day lol. Trying to look at this in a positive way since it's going to be out of my budget to fix. Anyway feeling very unmotivated lately. During the summer I went on this gym streak and was so motivated! I was not seeing much progress because I had bad eating habits so I stopped. Now, I have lost all motivation and have become this lazy sack of potatoes. I don't have much motivation for school anymore either. I'm graduating this semester and I feel very lost. Usually I'm highly motivated and ambitious but lately I just feel like literally filling my days with complete nothingness. And I'm gaining weight. I feel somewhat lost in life. I'm thinking of getting a dog. I have friends but not ones I truly enjoy hanging out with honestly. I enjoy my family's company more. Maybe it's because it's safer. Just trying to find myself. Who am I? Someone asked me how complete I am the other day, and it made me think. I'm not very complete at all. All in all...Dogs>Humans. That's how I feel lately. Truly though
freebird31 Posted February 17, 2015 Posted February 17, 2015 (edited) I really like this guy I met a while ago. I mean I really like him and I'm attracted to him. But for some damn reason I can't find myself being able to commit to him. I don't know why. I want to be able to message him and tell him to give it another chance and that what we found was special. And all of that is true but u can't get myself to do it because telling him this would be me taking things to the next level. I tbought I really liked him and we click so well and he is easy to talk to .i can't point my finger on it but something is off, is missing. I really like him tho which makes me so confused. I also am in no shape to date again as I have much baggage with my ex. Maybe it's the baggage that inhibits me. I wish I knew. It frustrates me. I like him y can't I take things to the next level with him?? This is such a frustrating feeling. I wonder if my ex felt this way about me. Anyway I am just going to work on myself. Maybe the timing is off with me and this guy. Maybe we are just too different and not compatible. I hope I didn't let a good thing go I remember once feeling unsure about my feelings for my ex before we started dating. And turns out I became crazy for him. Maybe this is me just putting my walls up. Ugh I don't know. I'm so confused. Whatever. Edited February 17, 2015 by freebird31
Ralph79 Posted February 17, 2015 Posted February 17, 2015 I really like this guy I met a while ago. I mean I really like him and I'm attracted to him. But for some damn reason I can't find myself being able to commit to him. I don't know why. I want to be able to message him and tell him to give it another chance and that what we found was special. And all of that is true but u can't get myself to do it because telling him this would be me taking things to the next level. I tbought I really liked him and we click so well and he is easy to talk to .i can't point my finger on it but something is off, is missing. I really like him tho which makes me so confused. I also am in no shape to date again as I have much baggage with my ex. Maybe it's the baggage that inhibits me. I wish I knew. It frustrates me. I like him y can't I take things to the next level with him?? This is such a frustrating feeling. I wonder if my ex felt this way about me. Anyway I am just going to work on myself. Maybe the timing is off with me and this guy. Maybe we are just too different and not compatible. I hope I didn't let a good thing go I remember once feeling unsure about my feelings for my ex before we started dating. And turns out I became crazy for him. Maybe this is me just putting my walls up. Ugh I don't know. I'm so confused. Whatever. How are going to find out what's missing, if you don't give this person a fair chance? More than baggage, it's sounds to me like you are letting fear of getting hurt, keep you from connecting with someone again. It doesn't seem like a rebound reaction at this point. It actually seems like genuine attraction. I'd say you deserve to give yourself another chance to be happy once again.
freebird31 Posted February 17, 2015 Posted February 17, 2015 How are going to find out what's missing, if you don't give this person a fair chance? More than baggage, it's sounds to me like you are letting fear of getting hurt, keep you from connecting with someone again. It doesn't seem like a rebound reaction at this point. It actually seems like genuine attraction. I'd say you deserve to give yourself another chance to be happy once again. Hi Ralph lol You know what. Remember when you said you think I'm the type of person who is afraid to hurt someone else ? That is exactly it. I cannot bare the thought of going through with this and then I end up realizing I don't like him, and then breaking his heart. I mean I literally cannot live with the guilt. Esp because he is a genuine person who has a painful past. He deserves someone who knows what she wants. Also, he has a child. Maybe that's part of my fear. I'm confused. I just really feel guilty for whatever reason if it doesn't work out in the future and he will have wasted his time with me.
RedButton Posted February 17, 2015 Posted February 17, 2015 Been feeling a bit depressed around valentine's day, but overall it went better than I expected. I had a really good weekend despite it and I feel like I'm getting over it. I'm still feeling down sometimes but I think there's other factors at play here.
darkbloom Posted February 17, 2015 Posted February 17, 2015 I felt like the day before Valentine's day was the uphill part of the rollercoaster where you're riding this wave of anxiety and hoping you don't crash and burn. Valentine's day was kind of that moment where you start to question why you got on the roller coaster and if you're going to die. And then Sunday was the relief that you didn't crash and burn. I feel so much better that I didn't break NC and he didn't try to contact me. It keeps my resolve strong. 1
na49 Posted February 17, 2015 Posted February 17, 2015 I unblocked her number for a few hours last night. Woke up this morning angry that I haven't heard from her so I blocked her again. I'm feeling angry at her, and her friends today. It's nice to feel angry. I should be angry. I shouldn't want her to come back because she probably isn't coming back this time. She's erased me traces of me from her Facebook (when I saw her profile, I haven't looked since Tuesday and don't want to), she told me that it was over when I asked if we could talk, and told me she isn't looking back. I need to keep reminding myself of these things. 1
MagicRat09 Posted February 17, 2015 Posted February 17, 2015 Me? Sick to my stomach from a combination of worry and withdrawal. I'd kind of like to be unconscious for a bit, that's how great I feel.
RedButton Posted February 17, 2015 Posted February 17, 2015 Me? Sick to my stomach from a combination of worry and withdrawal. I'd kind of like to be unconscious for a bit, that's how great I feel. Are you able to take a nap or something? Sometimes that helps, and it's certainly better than being unconscious. I've been there as well, you'll get through it. Try to shift down gears and just rest or sleep or try to watch TV or read something light to stop your mind racing if you can. 2
MagicRat09 Posted February 17, 2015 Posted February 17, 2015 Sounds good. Thanks. She's not responding to messages from anyone today. She's got a busy job but she's also not been well, so I freak out. Of course, I know alot of that is my mind terrorizing me. I have to calm those thoughts down.
NopeNah Posted February 17, 2015 Posted February 17, 2015 First day back to work since the ex came back around. It's difficult when she calls(4 times so far). When we were not talking, I was focused on the all mighty dollar from 10am-? Mon-Fri and sometimes sat-sun, if the price was right. I took yesterday off(because of her:sick:) and am playing catch up today. Still trying to decide what I want to do,but she's starting to make me question this already with her neediness. Complains when there's no $ coming in,complains when I'm working(i'm self employed and make my own hours).
MagicRat09 Posted February 17, 2015 Posted February 17, 2015 Well she's fine. I clearly need to find a way to get it together. 1
Oneness Posted February 17, 2015 Posted February 17, 2015 First day back to work since the ex came back around. It's difficult when she calls(4 times so far). When we were not talking, I was focused on the all mighty dollar from 10am-? Mon-Fri and sometimes sat-sun, if the price was right. I took yesterday off(because of her:sick:) and am playing catch up today. Still trying to decide what I want to do,but she's starting to make me question this already with her neediness. Complains when there's no $ coming in,complains when I'm working(i'm self employed and make my own hours). Ugh...do you really need this in your life? Doesn't she have a life? If not, she should get one...and that does not mean it should be being up your ass all day complaining! 1
NopeNah Posted February 17, 2015 Posted February 17, 2015 Ugh...do you really need this in your life? Doesn't she have a life? If not, she should get one...and that does not mean it should be being up your ass all day complaining! Just got off the phone for the 5th time (she's called 9 in 7hrs,but i ignored a couple).. I actually pulled out some 'smoke'(a different poster mentioned it earlier) to focus and it worked! Haven't smoked in a while.. Anyways...She's off work today..no excuse... I'm working and work for myself! No ME...no money! Simple,right? Not to a person who always relies on the exact amount of $$ every paycheck,apparently. I make more than her by the way,not that it matters. 1
love1336x Posted February 18, 2015 Posted February 18, 2015 It's OFFICIAL. I kept stalking the facebook, and now I AM HURT. I am back to ground ZERO. ZERO. ZERO. ZERO. UGHHHHHH. 2
na49 Posted February 18, 2015 Posted February 18, 2015 It's OFFICIAL. I kept stalking the facebook, and now I AM HURT. I am back to ground ZERO. ZERO. ZERO. ZERO. UGHHHHHH. Well, sometimes we need to touch the stove to realize that it is still hot. This is a reminder of how bad it is to stalk them on social media. They don't care about what we are up to, so we need to stop caring what they are up to. (I know it's easier said than done) Also, I unblocked my ex's number again. Yes I know. I want her to call or text me so bad! How can she really not reach out at all? The last time she left she still reached out. This time, nothing for two weeks. Gah this hurts!
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