Oneness Posted February 2, 2015 Posted February 2, 2015 This break up should be the last....NC for over 3 months, the longest in the 7 years we were together (on and off the last 4 years). He was abusive, 3 different therapists confirmed he met the criteria for a Borderline....the relationship was toxic and left me with PTSD....you think I should feel relieved and happy that it is over, makes sense right? I know if someone were to tell tell my torrid, horrid tale back to me as thier own, I would say, "He was a monster, so glad you are rid of him!" I would not understand why she would be in pain, and miss him, and feel so utterly destroyed...unless I had been in her shoes. I spend my days trying to go on with my life, but it is just going through the motions. I am still grieving, my trauma bonds and PTSD flare up...my life feels empty without all his f'ing drama. It has been a long time since I spent any real time with him...6 months...but I still remember every little detail about him, inside and out....it is like he lives inside me, where I used to be. I used to have interests and hobbies, I used to be able to find some joy in life...now there is...nothing...accept the memory of his smile, his laugh, his eyes, the feel of his skin, the sound of his breathing, how he looks when he sleeps....and I want to wake up from this nightmare and have him back minus the abuse....he was my dream man - if you take away the damn BPD!
me85 Posted February 2, 2015 Posted February 2, 2015 Yes me too we deserve better mate, I just feel stuck going round and round like a hamster in a wheel, this time last year everything was fine, we were coming up to our 17th wedding anniversary and all was calm, then she dropped the bomb on me in July and here I am 7 months later still feeling like crap, almost stiff with stress and depression I just don't seem to get anywhere life sucks sometimes it really does Life does suck sometimes but embrace it anyways. There's an old quote that I just love..."you have to be the change you wish to see in the world." Find inspiration in the things that typically go unnoticed. There's always something to smile about. You will have good days and you'll have bad days but remember that life is the only constant, everything else is just temporary. Oh yeah, I went there. (; Feel better champ.
ralfgarnett Posted February 2, 2015 Posted February 2, 2015 Sorry to hear mate 17 years is a long time, after that length of time you would think your set for life hope it gets better soon mate. Only 8 years here, took her back last year after she left and was running round with another bloke, was hard but did it for the kids and even bought the "I know now what I want and it's spend rest of my life with you" a year down the line and here we are again. Can't get ower it mate Yep a long time, we would of been together 20 years in May, I feel shell shocked still to be honest and yes thought we had it cracked for life or until death do us part but I think she forgot to read that bit in our vows, I would of felt the same as I do now after 8 years though I don't really know what to do with the rest of my life at the moment I just hope it doesn't feel as crap as this for much longer, hope things get better for you too John its easier said than done but keep your chin up the best you can and look after those kids of yours.
John83 Posted February 2, 2015 Posted February 2, 2015 Yep a long time, we would of been together 20 years in May, I feel shell shocked still to be honest and yes thought we had it cracked for life or until death do us part but I think she forgot to read that bit in our vows, I would of felt the same as I do now after 8 years though I don't really know what to do with the rest of my life at the moment I just hope it doesn't feel as crap as this for much longer, hope things get better for you too John its easier said than done but keep your chin up the best you can and look after those kids of yours. Cheers mate same to you hope things get better I feel exactly same mate like you said about not knowing what to do with life now, all I want is it back the way it was.
The Poster Posted February 2, 2015 Posted February 2, 2015 Today marks the day where we have now been broken up and not speaking for longer than our relationship lasted, and I'm still struggling so badly. I've never experienced anything like this. When will this end? I've been working so hard and improving my life, yet I'm still hurting so much. I just want it to end.
Heatemyheart89 Posted February 3, 2015 Posted February 3, 2015 I'm not coping well today . I feel lost , helpless and hopeless . I want to feel like myself . I wish he wanted me like I wanted him , alas it was not meant to be.
na49 Posted February 3, 2015 Posted February 3, 2015 Well my girlfriend left me for the second time today. Yes I got a second chance (I gave her the second chance really. She left me the first time, and came back). How am I coping? I'm trying to do just that. Deal with the hand I've been dealt. My relationship with her was never meant to be. I had a great time. We had ups and downs like any couple, but I'd be lying if I said I never worried about her leaving me again. Today she did. Shame on me for taking her back. Shame on her for leaving the only guy who will ever put up with her.
Brokenpenguin Posted February 3, 2015 Posted February 3, 2015 Pretty much just angry today. Basic rundown my girlfriend left me for someone else 2 weeks ago. Today I find out her new boyfriend and her have been telling people I treated her like **** and I was controlling, she can say that if she wants to as me and her both know it's not true but he has no right to go round telling people that. I haven't said a single bad word about either of them. Can't understand why im being made out to look like the bad guy.
Oneness Posted February 4, 2015 Posted February 4, 2015 Went to work, the pain still comes and goes...it has been 3 1/2 months and I feel like I have been suffering for an eternity. He was toxic and abusive...and I am so glad I don't have to deal with his abuse anymore...but I gave up the good side of him, that I loved so deeply because his dark side was pure evil. He damaged and changed me so much, I feel like a robot...one with all the guts torn out of it. I want to feel alive again, I want an end to the pain, I want to go to sleep and not wake up unless I am through all of this...I want to feel like me again, with interests, hobbies and joie de vivre....instead I feel like he stole it all before I shut the door on him...and the only way to get myself back is to open the door and let him back in...but with him comes all his demons and they terrify me. PTSD keeps the door shut tight.....
Crampaholic Posted February 4, 2015 Posted February 4, 2015 Was feeling like crap.. because I begged... oh how much I begged on sunday. But I'm starting to feel better again. NC, not breaking you!
freebird31 Posted February 5, 2015 Posted February 5, 2015 Th truth is I'm not really ok. It's been a long time. And I still get the waves of emotion...u know that physical feeling of pain in your chest ..the aching. The sadness deep in your chest like this throbbing feeling. It comes to visit me sometimes and today I tried to cry it out ..crying makes me feel better .it just releases some of the tension for me. I just think back. What is it about this situation that is hindering me from living a healthy emotional life. Idk. Not too long ago I had a nightmare. Maybe it was just the way the break up ended. We were so good it was just so unexpected. I never thought that we would have broken up and stay broken up for almost 2 years now. Sometimes I just can't process it all. My heart hurts so bad and I just want any kind of relief u know. But I dont even think I can love another person because I'm so emotionally traumatized. Idk what's wrong with me. I just want to feel normal. I just want to feel like I wasn't rejected. That hole in my chest. It's always there. It has been there for almost 2 years now. I can't seem to fully move on from this distress. Me and the last guy I was dating got along so well because we both had issues and let's face it ...we were both f****ed up. I feel like people don't really know what real raw pain feels like ..what emotional suffering feels like..my friends can't really relate to my situation. But he did he knew what pain was and that somehow brought us together and unfortunately kept us from taking things further as well. But at least I have a ..I guess u can call him friend now who truly understands my pain. Who knows what suffering feels like. It's been almost 2 years and I still suffer. I don't know what's wrong with me. Why can't I get through this? I have lost a close loved one of mine...he was like my second father he did everything for me we were so close knew him since I was a baby ..lost him to Cancer when I was 13 years old. But this...this event in my life, the breakup, I can't get through it. Idk. I know something is wrong with me bc it has been so long now and sometimes I still feel the pain so intensely . But at least I met someone (the guy I was previously dating) who understands me ...I'm glad I met him.
freebird31 Posted February 5, 2015 Posted February 5, 2015 Feeling so heavy. Maybe it's because I repress a lot of what I feel for a longtime that when it comes out, it's intense. Or maybe it was seeing my cousin and his girlfriend together ..or my cousin bringing up my ex. Idk. But after thinking about this ...after everything. After all of this..these last 2 years. It makes sense now. My ex never loved me. He never felt the same way I did for him. He didn't want me like I wanted him. He threw me away. And I'm so jacked up now because of it. I'm so mentally messed up now I can't even date because in not in a recovered state of mind. What really fuels me is that while im crying my eyes out, feeling this pain, he is somewhere out there as happy as can be with his life. While I'm feeling this pain , have felt this pain for two years, he most likely feels nothing. I have so much anger. Not once has he ever apologized to me. And every single time it was me reaching out to him. I almost feel like I hate him. I hate him. He really ruined me . That selfish fool ..he never said sorry to me. The world revolves around him. I hate him . I honestly wish and hope he has a ****ty life with the woman he decides to settle down with. He never said sorry to me..left me hanging. I let things go always I forgive too much. And he doesn't deserve any of it after everything , after all of this suffering.
FancyFace Posted February 5, 2015 Posted February 5, 2015 Wow guys, I just got thrown for a loop. There I was minding my own damn business, trying to pay for a parking ticket when I bump into one of his friends. I was extremely polite, gave her a hug, indulged in random chit chat. Then she asked me whether I was going to the bookclub this weekend at his best friends house, that clearly shows that she is none the wiser that we have been broken up for almost three months now, all I said was N.O (it may have been a tad aggressive). She asked why, and I just said "Nah". We hugged again and parted ways. When the breakup first happened, I thought that I would run in the opposite direction if I saw anyone linked to him. Only by Gods grace did I maintain my composure. Actually, my body kind of went into a type of autopilot that adheres with societal convention of politeness and friendliness. Only when I got to the privacy of my own car did I freak out. I am proud of myself for handling the situation well. Now just gotta work on not letting stuff like this affect me anymore. I have long fallen out of love, I dance with hate a lot these days but I want to master indifference. I just pray that I NEVER, I MEAN NEVER EVER EVER bump into him ever again. If I see him ever again in this lifetime or the next, it will be way too soon. My heart and prayers go out to each and everyone of you here. Stay strong people. We will all make it through. 1
na49 Posted February 5, 2015 Posted February 5, 2015 I gave it a shot yesterday. I texted her. Let her know how hurt I was. Let her know I'd do anything to go back to the way we were. She was as cold as it gets. "It is over. What is there to speak of?" then she told me that she "isn't looking back". It hurt. Sure she said "sorry" after I let her know how broken I was. but that was not a sincere sorry. I got angry with her one word response. I wanted to tell her that I was the fool for trusting her. I was the fool for believing she wouldn't leave again. I didn't though. I left it there. Anything else would have sparked more conversation, and not helped me any. I blocked her number again, and start trying to heal. I wrote her words in a document, and look at them whenever I feel like I am missing her, or convincing myself that she is missing me. She isn't missing me. She "isn't looking back". Today was our date day. We always hung out on Thursdays. It will suck not seeing her anymore. It'll be hard, but I'll get through it. I need to get through it.
Crampaholic Posted February 5, 2015 Posted February 5, 2015 I still think about her. A lot. I'm better tho, I at least get hungry lol. But hell, I miss her... but I have this weird sensation that I can't miss her anymore... that I'm not allowed to think about her. It's a funny reaction. I feel very angry at her, she's not a bad person but she did become heartless when we last talked.
na49 Posted February 5, 2015 Posted February 5, 2015 I saw her for the first time since our breakup today. She looked happy as ever. Chatting it up with her friend before class. I wanted to keep my head up so bad, but I just couldn't. I looked at the floor, like a weakling. I know I'm not strong enough to even pretend I'm okay around her yet. I'll get there though. This is so hard to come to terms with, but everything she says and everything she does tells me that it is really over.
Cupid's Puppet Posted February 6, 2015 Posted February 6, 2015 I tried to stay away from this forum for awhile because I felt like it was keeping me stuck. I would always run across a post that would remind me of how awful I treated my ex in my relationship, and I would start to demonize myself. I forget that there are some posts here that can be very encouraging. I still feel a bit down, and I've lost my libido. That's probably convenient, however, considering that I am not in a relationship and have no interest in sex outside of a relationship.
questionsforthenouns Posted February 6, 2015 Posted February 6, 2015 Trying to cope. Isn't that all we can do... I miss her. I miss our peace together. Some of the best days of my life were spent with her, not doing anything special, but just being with each other and at peace with each other. For some reason, I feel like something is going to happen tonight. Like she is going to sleep with somebody or something. I know she's going to a concert. Anyways, there is nothing I can do. I am on the road to recovery. I have been here before. If I can recover once, I can do it again. And I will do whatever it takes to move forward and beyond.
freebird31 Posted February 6, 2015 Posted February 6, 2015 So not too long ago I reached out to my ex and we exchanged a few messages through facebook. It's weird the conversation ended on January 9th. And facebook has the feature where it tells u what date and time the message was "seen" well my ex read my last message and it said "seen" January 9th. He never responded to that msg most likely bc he didn't know what to say. Anyway today I looked at the messages between him and I. And it now says "seen January 31st" meaning he reopened the message thread and looked at it ...for some reason. Wonder why. I'm going to check again if it reads a different date. Little does he know that fb has this new feAture lol.
RedButton Posted February 6, 2015 Posted February 6, 2015 It's very strange, I was doing so well and was getting on with life so well, but now I can't stop thinking about her. Might be for a few reasons. I guess it's not usually 'bad' thoughts, that make me depressed, but all the same I can't get her out of my head sometimes. I wonder if it's because it's just on 3 months? Maybe because going on vacation soon and it's making me think of her (something we would have done together etc)? It's bizarre. It really is a bit of a roller-coaster, but even so i'm feeling so much better after all this time.
ralfgarnett Posted February 6, 2015 Posted February 6, 2015 Hi RB where are you going for your holiday ?
Aries82 Posted February 6, 2015 Posted February 6, 2015 I want to die, I just want to die, every day is the same, crying, thinking about her, what she did to me, destroy me completely. I hate my life and I hate myself. I am trying to move on, I even found a job, new friends, but I do not have energy to move, to concentrate on anything. I can not afford therapist and people around me can not listen to me anymore about her, I just want to die, I pray to God every night to take me, she killed me.
Crampaholic Posted February 7, 2015 Posted February 7, 2015 I am feeling better, but she is still there... in the back of my mind. I really really want to feel nothing for her, not anger, not resentment and definitely not love. When will that be?
dyna85 Posted February 7, 2015 Posted February 7, 2015 I'm feeling really good right now, in this moment. Will I probably crash and burn later when I least expect it? Yes. I've come to realize that there will be many highs and lows throughout the healing process. Just trying to accept the feelings as they come.
BC1980 Posted February 7, 2015 Posted February 7, 2015 It's very strange, I was doing so well and was getting on with life so well, but now I can't stop thinking about her. Might be for a few reasons. I guess it's not usually 'bad' thoughts, that make me depressed, but all the same I can't get her out of my head sometimes. I wonder if it's because it's just on 3 months? Maybe because going on vacation soon and it's making me think of her (something we would have done together etc)? It's bizarre. It really is a bit of a roller-coaster, but even so i'm feeling so much better after all this time. It might be the vacation. My ex and I traveled quite a bit together, so I had a hard time traveling without him the first few times. I think it helps to get over the initial time without the person, be it traveling or something else. We used to do a lot of hiking together, and it was difficult to hike without him. Still, I made myself do it, and I came out okay in the end. To be honest, the first year or so was difficult because it seemed like there was always something that brought him to mind. Something I had to do that was a first without him. Power through it, and you will look back and be glad you did.
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