FixItCris Posted January 21, 2015 Posted January 21, 2015 Was doing really well, even was able to deny my ex wife a chance at reconciliation. But today I have the anxiety back. I led my ex wife on as some sort of weird payback for the betrayal caused by my last ex. I guess my head/heart is still a mess.
bigtrouble Posted January 21, 2015 Posted January 21, 2015 (edited) Getting better still a struggle, bored need to make use of time... Thought of a good quote to express my feelings... For everyone who got cheated by their Ex and was dumped... ############################## Better to have love and lost her... Than have her cheating forever... ############################## Aaarggh, still missing her, can't get her out of my head, I get only like 3-4hrs sleep since BU. Edited January 21, 2015 by bigtrouble
towardthefuture Posted January 21, 2015 Posted January 21, 2015 Today? Bad. I miss her, I love her, I lost her. I made so many mistakes. She made one big mistake and I can never take her back if she came back. If she didn't make that mistake, she was entirely justified to break up with me. I love her so much and if I ever had a second chance I would do it all so differently. Arghhhhhh
ZiggyZoo Posted January 21, 2015 Posted January 21, 2015 I'm really missing my ex today. Last night I kept going over how this breakup all started over a misunderstanding, and if I should call him and see if he wants to sort it out...but then I remember that he broke it off over a misunderstanding, didn't call before ending it to try and figure out what was going on, and hasn't tried once to contact me in the six weeks since we last communicated. So all that leads me to believe that it doesn't matter WHY we broke up, his actions since then have given me reason enough to believe it isn't meant to be anyway. And I have my 20 week ultrasound tomorrow, and I'm stuck on what, if anything, to do with the info from it. If there's a problem with the baby, I'll definitely.tell him, but if not...? I don't know. Part of me is thrilled to have a "real" reason to break NC, but I don't want to risk it. Either he's a jerk and I'm hurt, or he's not and I have to work through that mess of feelings. I'm honestly quite depressed at this whole thing today, I'm down on myself a lot for still wanting to be with someone who treated me like he did, with such little respect. The sad thing is, if he wanted to get back together today, I'd say yes, and I don't think that's the best thing for me. I'm doubting my own judgement.
ralfgarnett Posted January 21, 2015 Posted January 21, 2015 Hi Ziggy sorry to hear your so down today, do you think in part that it might have a lot to do with your appointment tomorrow ?, if its any consolation to you I had a big cry earlier but then felt strangely a bit easier after it, look you have a big day tomorrow and both you and the bump need to be in as good a condition as you can be, its easy for me to say I suppose but best you can try and take things easy today and just concentrate on your health, with regards contact ask yourself do you have a fully legitimate reason to contact him and if the answer comes out as yes then you have that decision to make, maybe if you really want to contact him would it not be better to wait until after your appopintment ? so that you have a fully genuine reason to ring him and tell him the good news, but yes he did treat you badly and only you know how much that hurt you and if you still want to be with him or not, we all lose track of judgement when we are stressed I do it all the time, maybe if you prioritise whats important at the moment it might help you decide what to do next for the best, write it down on paper in any order then put numbers in priority order against each entry, sorry im not much more help as I said not been too good myself today, got those knotted feelings in my shoulders and stomach again and had another partially disturbed nights sleep but not as bad as Monday night thank god, I just hope that tonight is better than last night and I sleep right through, good look Ziggy keep posting all we can do is help each other the best we can. 1
Heartbroken Eagle Posted January 21, 2015 Posted January 21, 2015 It was my son's birthday yesterday, the second one I've missed since our split. It was a hard day. I have him at the weekend but it's not the same.... Kept on thinking about the the day he was born, how wonderful his mother was and how much I loved her. I can't believe that I now have nothing but hate for the same woman. Very sad really!!!
RedButton Posted January 21, 2015 Posted January 21, 2015 I'm doing okay today. I took a day off work yesterday, which I think I really needed. I don't think it was all due to the breakup, but just mentally exhausted and drained. I had my cousin staying at my house for a few days with a friend, then the weekend was fun but very busy as well as Monday and the night. I just woke up feeling so anxious and weak that I made the decision to take a day off. I think it was really worth it, I'm still not 100% but feel so much better than yesterday where I actually felt almost afraid to leave the house. While there were a lot of factors, I think I'm feeling down on myself as well. I'm no longer really sad about the breakup or being single again, but I'm in this weird phase where I keep blaming myself or feeling like I wasn't good enough. I think I've always had self esteem problems, but only now do I realise that I shouldn't and that I shouldn't feel the way I do. I don't know if this is a normal stage of the process or something.
ralfgarnett Posted January 21, 2015 Posted January 21, 2015 I'm doing okay today. I took a day off work yesterday, which I think I really needed. I don't think it was all due to the breakup, but just mentally exhausted and drained. I had my cousin staying at my house for a few days with a friend, then the weekend was fun but very busy as well as Monday and the night. I just woke up feeling so anxious and weak that I made the decision to take a day off. Tell me about it mate same here last 2 nights really horrid feeling I think it was really worth it, I'm still not 100% but feel so much better than yesterday where I actually felt almost afraid to leave the house. Push yourself, just do it even if you go for a walk round the block, and while your out say hello to as many people as you see, they may think your bonkers but who cares While there were a lot of factors, I think I'm feeling down on myself as well. I'm no longer really sad about the breakup or being single again, but I'm in this weird phase where I keep blaming myself or feeling like I wasn't good enough. I think I've always had self esteem problems, but only now do I realise that I shouldn't and that I shouldn't feel the way I do. I don't know if this is a normal stage of the process or something. Oh yes all perfectly normal, we all feel like that mate, but I bet you that they aren't feeling guilty even though its their ruddy fault, glad your feeling better though, I have been having mostly crap days but now and then I feel a teeny weeny tiny smidgey bit lighter, chin mate rooting for your from across the pond.
RedButton Posted January 21, 2015 Posted January 21, 2015 ^Thanks mate. Can I just say, and I think I speak for most people here, your posts in this thread are really helpful. It's nice to talk to someone about all this stuff. I did push myself to go out, I went to the shops during the day, then when I got home I did some work on my writing projects. Even made a point to work out with my weights later in the day, so I certainly tried to get the most from it. Glad to hear you're getting better, even if it's by small increments at the moment. I do wonder sometimes how my ex feels about things now, especially since she was the one that really drove the relationship early on. She was the first one to say 'I love you' and was the one who wanted me to meet her parents and spend holidays with her and her family. I feel like I must have meant something to her, and that's what I remind myself when I start to blame myself. We were just too different to continue the way we were. I just had my leave approved for a vacation back home (it'll be nearly 18 months by the time it rolls around!) so I'm happy about that.
ralfgarnett Posted January 21, 2015 Posted January 21, 2015 "I just had my leave approved for a vacation back home (it'll be nearly 18 months by the time it rolls around!) so I'm happy about that" That's good, where is back home and who do you travel with ?, the reason I ask is because I am very keen to take a trip somewhere even just for a few days more than anything to prove to myself I can do it and also just for something to look forward to, my wife and I travelled a hell of a lot and I really miss that, only thinking about nipping over to Belgium or Ireland but it will be a huge leap of faith for me by taking a trip without her, I know I will be scared but a bit of me also thinks it would be quite exciting but only if my head was in the right place mentally of course, now is probably not the right time to be doing it as my emotions are pretty much b'ggered and I would be scared of where my thoughts might take me.
The Poster Posted January 21, 2015 Posted January 21, 2015 Having one of those days where I'm just sad. Thinking about what was and what could have been. Wondering what changed and how fast it changed. Wondering how something that started so magical could end so quickly. Wondering if I'll ever hear from her again. What she thinks about me. What she's doing. All of that stuff. I wish I could just take it for what it was but my heart won't allow it. I'm hoping I get to a point where I'm OK with it soon. I've made good progress in my personal life but sometimes it's hard to see how much through all the fog. Just got to keep moving and trust that better days are fast approaching.
NopeNah Posted January 21, 2015 Posted January 21, 2015 After this past couple weeks actions on her part, I have NO choice except to start fresh and give my all to myself and future. I'm done with the thought's of "maybe" and am now moving forward..I could never be with someone with the new knowledge of the person she is. She might have been that way before we met,but I did not know that. I just know my morals are not able to allow me to go back to that ever. I say goodbye to that chapter of my life.
ralfgarnett Posted January 21, 2015 Posted January 21, 2015 Having one of those days where I'm just sad. Thinking about what was and what could have been. Wondering what changed and how fast it changed. Wondering how something that started so magical could end so quickly. Wondering if I'll ever hear from her again. What she thinks about me. What she's doing. All of that stuff. I wish I could just take it for what it was but my heart won't allow it. I'm hoping I get to a point where I'm OK with it soon. I've made good progress in my personal life but sometimes it's hard to see how much through all the fog. Just got to keep moving and trust that better days are fast approaching. Good luck mate thinking of you and all the heartbroken people out there, I wonder if the dumpers actually know just how bad we dumpees feel ?. 1
The Poster Posted January 21, 2015 Posted January 21, 2015 (edited) Good luck mate thinking of you and all the heartbroken people out there, I wonder if the dumpers actually know just how bad we dumpees feel ?. Thank you. I really appreciate it. I'm not sure if my ex knows how much of a struggle this is. We weren't together long and I didn't put up any kind of fight when she ended it. Just wished her well. She probably has no idea unless she could sense it somehow. I didn't think I would struggle with it as much as I am, but what can I really do except keep moving? Edited January 21, 2015 by The Poster
JPMC Posted January 21, 2015 Posted January 21, 2015 Day 19 no contact. Now at the point where I don't want to call or look her up. Why re-start? Completely self destructive.
mefisto Posted January 21, 2015 Posted January 21, 2015 Recently i watched this awesome show "Bored to death". There was a moment, when character of Zach Galifianakis went through a breakup and it was great dialogue. I made two pics, here they are: http://s14.radikal.ru/i187/1501/d9/eae35e8c4c68.jpg http://s50.radikal.ru/i127/1501/ea/81c71fdb454c.jpg 1
RedButton Posted January 21, 2015 Posted January 21, 2015 "I just had my leave approved for a vacation back home (it'll be nearly 18 months by the time it rolls around!) so I'm happy about that" That's good, where is back home and who do you travel with ?, the reason I ask is because I am very keen to take a trip somewhere even just for a few days more than anything to prove to myself I can do it and also just for something to look forward to, my wife and I travelled a hell of a lot and I really miss that, only thinking about nipping over to Belgium or Ireland but it will be a huge leap of faith for me by taking a trip without her, I know I will be scared but a bit of me also thinks it would be quite exciting but only if my head was in the right place mentally of course, now is probably not the right time to be doing it as my emotions are pretty much b'ggered and I would be scared of where my thoughts might take me. I've been living overseas for the last year and a half, will be travelling back to Australia for a visit soon. Really looking forward to it. Truth be told, I would have probably moved back had it not been my last relationship. I wanted to stay longer to be with her. I don't regret it, as I've made so many good friends and had some good times in the time I stayed longer
batt Posted January 21, 2015 Posted January 21, 2015 Here we go with the gloomy weather again. Its stupid how every day since then has been cloudy, rainy, and down right depressing. Can I please have a week of sunshine, instead of a day or two? Is that so damn hard? Too bad I still miss her like hell, but to keep having this weather? Come on man!!!
ralfgarnett Posted January 21, 2015 Posted January 21, 2015 I've been living overseas for the last year and a half, will be travelling back to Australia for a visit soon. Really looking forward to it. Truth be told, I would have probably moved back had it not been my last relationship. I wanted to stay longer to be with her. I don't regret it, as I've made so many good friends and had some good times in the time I stayed longer Aaaah so your an Aussie I thought you were in the US, I'm a hybrid of half Irish half Maltese living in the UK but my hearts not here I would love to just disappear to one of my favourite places and start a new life but its all a dream I know its not going to happen any day soon and in my state of mind its probably for the best really, I need to settle down and get happy with myself before I do anything even moderately daring, I even think that my chance has gone at my age, if I was 30 again and this happened then that would be a different story, maybe in my next life who knows.
sober and dry Posted January 22, 2015 Posted January 22, 2015 Getting better as the days go on. Sure there is a long way to go but sure a long way has gone too. I'm on a annoying phase this last days... I keep getting some "old" and some new questions popping in my mind but I realize that I already have the answers inside and in front of me... That's just boring, even more because I do a lot of over-thinking and problem solving for nature so it feel just like I'm stuck in the same old, same old... I have even realized why I'm not being able to relate or bond to new women I meet at this phase of my life. I'm just trying to project my last RS in them as if I'm looking for a rebound... I don't want that for sure so as you can see... Really boring, but at the same time somewhat funny, kind of dark humor I guess.
tryingtodealwithit Posted January 22, 2015 Posted January 22, 2015 yeah, so i've just come to a point where i'm feeling like all of these negative feelings are just ridiculous. it's been like 8 months since she left. we were together almost 5 years. the crazy thing is that there were so many times i could have left her (justifiably so) and she would have been the one hurt and destroyed. she would have been the one still aching 8 months later. but i didn't. i loved her. lesson learned. and the other thing i realized is that it hasn't been easy on her. she didn't dance off into paradise and bliss. she was randomly lashing out at me 6 months after leaving, complaining about everything she was mad at me for from the relationship and still trying "prove" it was all my fault that she left. she was trying to convince herself. someone who is happy and moved on doesn't do that 6 months after leaving you. all i've wanted these last 8 months is for her to truly apologize and take some responsibility for the lousy way she treated me. show a little remorse. that's it. i don't care anymore. i refuse to devote anymore of my time or energy to her or the fragments of that relationship. i truly regret all of the time i spent with her and should have gotten out of it LONG before it ended. again, lesson learned. plenty of people have told me it's normal to feel this way 8 months after a 5 year relationship ends. i say bull****. i'm done with it. no more sadness, no more feeling sorry for myself. my new life starts right now. it's time to feel like me again. 1
Author Riou Posted January 22, 2015 Author Posted January 22, 2015 (edited) I don't know what to say when i come here.What to hear when silence comes in waves to put sounds out. What to do when i wake.Or why am i waking at all?It takes a room of mirrors to crack for a few tears to drop.I can't even see a moving soul in this stony carrier of meat anymore. Edited January 22, 2015 by Riou
me85 Posted January 22, 2015 Posted January 22, 2015 (edited) Not great. After sending 2 embarrassing drunken emails full of completely incoherent gibberish (one in a black out) to my ex and him replying "what the hell is wrong with you" ... ouch ... but fully deserved. I haven't responded and I won't. It's not like I sent the most crazy absurd messages ever, they were just retarded but still, embarrassing as f*ck. I've deleted all his contact info yet again and am really going to try my very best to control my drinking because it really is to blame for all the negative/stupid sh*t I've been going through. It's going to ruin my life. I just feel so alone and so stupid and yeah, sometimes I feel crazy. Who am I? Who have I become? My alcoholism has officially embarrassed me to the point of realizing I have to make serious changes in my life. I drink myself into oblivion and end up making no sense whatsoever when attempting communication. It's almost like having a split personality. It scares the hell out of me. Especially because I black out most of the time. I don't even miss my ex. I have NO IDEA why I contact him. And it's ONLY when I'm sh*t faced. I don't really care what he thinks about me or if he thinks I'm crazy. How he views me doesn't matter to me. I mean, obviously he doesn't think very highly of me or he wouldn't have BU with me. So that's already been established. But it is about me and what I think of myself. And I'm so ashamed. I should love myself more than to contact my ex. He was terrible to me. I mean, just awful. He left me for someone else. I mean Jesus Christ! Have I no dignity left at all?? I think it's because I'm OCD. But I just want it all to go away. Something is terribly wrong with me...more than my alcoholism. I know I need professional guidance at this point but I honestly feel like I can get better on my own if I really try. I haven't really tried. I've just talked a bunch of bs. Yesterday I felt like my best self. I woke up and did my chores and I finally went to the gym like I've been saying I would, only had a little to drink at dinner with my cousin and went to bed at very decent hour, feeling better about myself and then I wake up to that email from my ex. I knew it was coming but I wish he wouldn't have sent it. He didn't have to. I mean, I sent those drunken emails after 1 am...one was at 3/4 a.m. so come on, overlook look them for God's sake...like I've overlooked all his drunken bs emails numerous times before. But it needed to happen. I'm glad it did. I just hope people here don't think I'm a total moron. I really feel like if the whole world knew me then the whole world would be laughing at me right now because I feel like such a joke. Edited January 22, 2015 by me85
ralfgarnett Posted January 22, 2015 Posted January 22, 2015 Not great. After sending 2 embarrassing drunken emails full of completely incoherent gibberish (one in a black out) to my ex and him replying "what the hell is wrong with you" ... ouch ... but fully deserved. I haven't responded and I won't. It's not like I sent the most crazy absurd messages ever, they were just retarded but still, embarrassing as f*ck. I've deleted all his contact info yet again and am really going to try my very best to control my drinking because it really is to blame for all the negative/stupid sh*t I've been going through. It's going to ruin my life. I just feel so alone and so stupid and yeah, sometimes I feel crazy. Who am I? Who have I become? My alcoholism has officially embarrassed me to the point of realizing I have to make serious changes in my life. I drink myself into oblivion and end up making no sense whatsoever when attempting communication. It's almost like having a split personality. It scares the hell out of me. Especially because I black out most of the time. I don't even miss my ex. I have NO IDEA why I contact him. And it's ONLY when I'm sh*t faced. I don't really care what he thinks about me or if he thinks I'm crazy. How he views me doesn't matter to me. I mean, obviously he doesn't think very highly of me or he wouldn't have BU with me. So that's already been established. But it is about me and what I think of myself. And I'm so ashamed. I should love myself more than to contact my ex. He was terrible to me. I mean, just awful. He left me for someone else. I mean Jesus Christ! Have I no dignity left at all?? I think it's because I'm OCD. But I just want it all to go away. Something is terribly wrong with me...more than my alcoholism. I know I need professional guidance at this point but I honestly feel like I can get better on my own if I really try. I haven't really tried. I've just talked a bunch of bs. Yesterday I felt like my best self. I woke up and did my chores and I finally went to the gym like I've been saying I would, only had a little to drink at dinner with my cousin and went to bed at very decent hour, feeling better about myself and then I wake up to that email from my ex. I knew it was coming but I wish he wouldn't have sent it. He didn't have to. I mean, I sent those drunken emails after 1 am...one was at 3/4 a.m. so come on, overlook look them for God's sake...like I've overlooked all his drunken bs emails numerous times before. But it needed to happen. I'm glad it did. I just hope people here don't think I'm a total moron. I really feel like if the whole world knew me then the whole world would be laughing at me right now because I feel like such a joke. Don't be so hard on yourself we all make mistakes, why not just email him an apology promising not to do it again and draw a line under it, but look we have all done it I know for certain some of the stupid conditions I got myself in to especially last year when it first happened, learn from it and move on but don't beat yourself up over it. 1
me85 Posted January 22, 2015 Posted January 22, 2015 (edited) Don't be so hard on yourself we all make mistakes, why not just email him an apology promising not to do it again and draw a line under it, but look we have all done it I know for certain some of the stupid conditions I got myself in to especially last year when it first happened, learn from it and move on but don't beat yourself up over it. Thanks. I'm just going to leave it alone. I somewhat apologized for the first drunken email - while drunk. Not the best idea...apologizing for being drunk and stupid - while drunk and stupid. /= I wish you were right about me not beating myself up but I really should. I'm 17 months post BU with my ex. I mean, enough is enough. Has he completely screwed with my head all this time? Hell yes but at this point I'm the only one to blame for having no self control whatsoever and I know it's only because of my drinking. When I'm sober, I never get the urge to reach out. Yeah, I still think about him everyday. A lot. No matter how much I keep myself occupied, how happy I am, or how much time passes, at some point I always give in and contact him, whether it was responding to something he sent me first or me being drunk and bored...but at least it's never about getting back together or anything like that. It's random stupid sh*t but still...it's over between us. Long over and I want to 100% move on. I'm so f*cking tired of being stuck at only being 85-90 % moved on. He's a stranger. I don't know him anymore. We're not friends. He needs to be dead to me. That's all I wish for, honestly. I just want to forget all about him and my experience with him. I want everything in my life to stop always reverting back to him somehow. Today sucks. Edited January 22, 2015 by me85
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