RedButton Posted January 19, 2015 Posted January 19, 2015 Welp, I've reached the two month point. Kind of weird how not a single word has been spoken since the night it ended. Am I feeling better? I guess a little. My mind is focused on my personal transformation and getting my life back on track, but I still think about her non-stop. She very much had a profound impact on me and all the changes I'm making now. I was in a very dark place when we met. It's such a shame. The light she brought to me was a catalyst to changing my life and learning to love myself, and she'll never know how much she helped. It's so, so sad. I feel the same way pal. It's been over 2 months for me since the breakup, haven't spoken a word since. I'm definitely feeling better, I just have to think back to the first two weeks and the mess I was in. I can also relate to my ex being a positive influence. She really was the first person that made me feel good about myself. I know many on here will say it's a bad idea, but when I feel I'm able to, I'm going to send her a letter to tell her that she was such a positive influence on me and that she really had a great impact on my life. As I said, I need to know and be honest with myself that I can do it without getting hurt, so I'm waiting a little longer. Maybe you can do something similar? If nothing else it might make coping a bit easier if you write down what you want to say but don't send it? Just save it on a file in the computer or put it under the bed or something. 1
The Poster Posted January 19, 2015 Posted January 19, 2015 (edited) I feel the same way pal. It's been over 2 months for me since the breakup, haven't spoken a word since. I'm definitely feeling better, I just have to think back to the first two weeks and the mess I was in. I can also relate to my ex being a positive influence. She really was the first person that made me feel good about myself. I know many on here will say it's a bad idea, but when I feel I'm able to, I'm going to send her a letter to tell her that she was such a positive influence on me and that she really had a great impact on my life. As I said, I need to know and be honest with myself that I can do it without getting hurt, so I'm waiting a little longer. Maybe you can do something similar? If nothing else it might make coping a bit easier if you write down what you want to say but don't send it? Just save it on a file in the computer or put it under the bed or something. I've already written letters to her that I have no intentions of sending. I would love to eventually, and if she somehow contacted me in the future, I would absolutely share them with her because I feel like it's something she would be happy to hear. But, I just can't send it out of the blue, maybe my mind will change on that. I don't really know what's going to happen in the future. She's very hard headed and independent so I don't think I'll ever hear from her again or if she'll even want to hear from me. Who knows? I had zero confidence and self-worth when we met. I felt inadequate and lost and she basically defended me against myself. Telling me I am good enough to do anything and that I don't need to compare myself to others or define myself by what I have. It really opened my eyes and helped me see things I couldn't see myself. She really made me feel great about myself, that I belonged in this world after all. My confidence and self-worth have been glowing ever since. She taught to me focus on my strengths as a person and to love who I am. She sent me a beautiful letter saying all these things when we first started dating that I couldn't bring myself to throw away. This is probably why I'm still so hurt by the end of the relationship. We seemed like such a great match. So, yeah, I have no idea what will happen. I don't even know what she thinks about me. I treated her the best I could. I would love to tell her what kind of an impact she had on me, but I just can't do it right now. If I had to guess, I'd say I'd probably never hear from her again, but anything can happen, I suppose. Edited January 19, 2015 by The Poster
RedButton Posted January 19, 2015 Posted January 19, 2015 I've already written letters to her that I have no intentions of sending. I would love to eventually, and if she somehow contacted me in the future, I would absolutely share them with her because I feel like it's something she would be happy to hear. But, I just can't send it out of the blue, maybe my mind will change on that. I don't really know what's going to happen in the future. She's very hard headed and independent so I don't think I'll ever hear from her again or if she'll even want to hear from me. Who knows? I had zero confidence and self-worth when we met. I felt inadequate and lost and she basically defended me against myself. Telling me I am good enough to do anything and that I don't need to compare myself to others or define myself by what I have. It really opened my eyes and helped me see things I couldn't see myself. She really made me feel great about myself, that I belonged in this world after all. My confidence and self-worth have been glowing ever since. She taught to me focus on my strengths as a person and to love who I am. She sent me a beautiful letter saying all these things when we first started dating that I couldn't bring myself to throw away. This is probably why I'm still so hurt by the end of the relationship. We seemed like such a great match. So, yeah, I have no idea what will happen. I don't even know what she thinks about me. I treated her the best I could. I would love to tell her what kind of an impact she had on me, but I just can't do it right now. If I had to guess, I'd say I'd probably never hear from her again, but anything can happen, I suppose. Sounds like it was a very positive thing for you, even if you're now broken up there's so much good to take from that relationship, which is really great If you don't feel like sending it out of the blue, I don't know if it would be easier to text first and let her know you're sending it the next day or something. Either way, give it some more time until you know you're head is cleared and you're doing okay.
The Poster Posted January 19, 2015 Posted January 19, 2015 Sounds like it was a very positive thing for you, even if you're now broken up there's so much good to take from that relationship, which is really great If you don't feel like sending it out of the blue, I don't know if it would be easier to text first and let her know you're sending it the next day or something. Either way, give it some more time until you know you're head is cleared and you're doing okay. Yeah, there's a lot of emotion. I am so grateful for her and the light she brought to me when I needed it the most. But on the other hand, losing someone that brings out the best in me is excruciating. We weren't even together a long time, but it was such a magical relationship while it lasted. I've never had that kind of chemistry with anyone. Right off the bat too. She was absolutely just what I was looking for. She was so into me too but I guess her feelings changed for whatever reason. The emotional bond we had was out of this world. It's a mixed bag. I hope to hear from her again but I'm not expecting it. I'm just trying to move forward personally and let whatever happens, happen. Good luck with your letter, man. I hope you get the satisfaction you're looking for.
BC1980 Posted January 19, 2015 Posted January 19, 2015 I'm feeling really optimistic about the future. At the beginning of January, I made a list of positive things I could spend my time doing (running, hiking, artwork, writing, making it a point to meet up with friends regularly and nurture those relationships). It's been very fulfilling and very healing to throw myself into all these new positive things after last year, a year that was filled with such bleakness and lack of hope. I have really noticed a shift in my thinking these past few months. It is possible to move forward after a traumatic life event. 1
ZiggyZoo Posted January 19, 2015 Posted January 19, 2015 Ralf, your offer sounds wonderful, and I would most definitely take you up on it, if I weren't five months pregnant...so, my traveling plans are being put on the back burner for now. I think it would be a wonderful thing though, to visit somewhere that has the potential for bringing up painful memories with someone who can understand that it is hurting. A broken hearts' travel club? I'm only joking a little, it would be wonderful support and help make new memories at old places. And it would also be great to travel with someone who has been to the area before and knows the lay of the land. Oh, I'm in the US, looks like I need to finish filling out my profile...
WillLoveAgain Posted January 19, 2015 Posted January 19, 2015 I am feeling blue today. I have tried everything to cheer myself, i have tried my usual fixes. Watched funny shows, sung my favorite song, meditated, exercised but no matter what i do there is pain in heart and i am SAD! I am going to give in into the sadness and let it pass on its own. THIS TOO SHALL PASS!!! The good times and the bad times shall pass!
Itspointless Posted January 19, 2015 Posted January 19, 2015 Most of the time I feel good, almost back to normal. And although most of the time I accept this reality, I know it is not the entire story. Despite her emotional flaws that make us impossible the good with her was so great ... But she also triggered stuff I hoped not being there any-more. Sometimes the torn down wall seems back in place, but with the way how I feel about her and all those things, I know there is something very different within me. I guess living with this is my new reality.
me85 Posted January 19, 2015 Posted January 19, 2015 I'm coping perfectly fine but apparently I still do random meaningless dumb sh*t when I'm drunk. Not always but enough to slightly hate myself. So I was watching cast away last night & while in a black out I emailed my ex, "Eff you, what if you were the one alone on that island?!" No, we were not in a conversation at all. It made absolutely NO SENSE whatsoever. He probably went, "WTF?!" I already know the psychology behind doing it...Oh I'm fully aware but Jesus! Do I really have to do things that make me look bat **** crazy?? I don't know if he responded. I haven't checked my email all day and I don't plan to all week. I'm kind of embarrassed but not too much but I am a bit scared to what he may have replied. Why I feel that way I don't know but nevertheless I think what I sent was more funny than anything but to him and most people it was just CRAZY.
bigtrouble Posted January 20, 2015 Posted January 20, 2015 (edited) Almost a month after BU and learning to motivate myself to live my life. I did this 2 weeks ago but it was a poor attempt. I think I am slowly coping in a positive way. Got tired of looking at her FB it only brings me pain. I just wish this feeling of sadness and question "How could you do this to me?" leave my exhausted brain. Lost Job, feeling depressed "Why does it have to happen now?" Stupid BU, but I have to pick myself up now. I have spent a month grieving for the loss, its time I do something for myself, time to hunt for a job and move on. No one can help me but myself, and I have the proper motivation now. Gonna start doing it tomorrow this time with renewed strength and fortitude. Nothing beats this hell hole I am in right now, BU happened at the lowest point of my life and she cut me loose just when I needed her emotional support and motivation, now I have to face this alone, but I am no stranger to this I had been living my life without her longer. Put efforts to get a house for to be our future home (she never helped). Now I have to focus on it and keep it. Lost her, lost my job, I'm not losing my home. Its just sad to remember that during the lowest point of her life, I was there for her and I never let go, and when the tables turned she got better, I was excess baggage she cut me loose. Yeah right, She has emotional needs but did she ever tended to mine (emotionally, immature and selfish) she only thought of herself and her happiness never gave me the support never motivated me or given me hope. She left me for the next best person. I gotta be true to myself, She became part of my life, but she is not the reason why I breathe and continue to exist. I hope Realization is part of the healing process and coping, it would be nice to know I am moving on. Still missing her, after all the heartache she put me through, I hope this goes away too... Edited January 20, 2015 by bigtrouble 1
ralfgarnett Posted January 20, 2015 Posted January 20, 2015 Ralf, your offer sounds wonderful, and I would most definitely take you up on it, if I weren't five months pregnant...so, my traveling plans are being put on the back burner for now. I think it would be a wonderful thing though, to visit somewhere that has the potential for bringing up painful memories with someone who can understand that it is hurting. A broken hearts' travel club? I'm only joking a little, it would be wonderful support and help make new memories at old places. And it would also be great to travel with someone who has been to the area before and knows the lay of the land. Oh, I'm in the US, looks like I need to finish filling out my profile... Hi Ziggy I love the idea of a broken hearts travel club, yes I can see why being with child and also living over the pond would be a problem for travelling, well the offer is there if you ever make it over to the uk let me know, meanwhile sorry to say this but what kind of cold hearted bstrd would leave his pregnant partner ?, my god how low can a person stoop ?, my heart goes out to you and I wish you all the luck in the world it sounds like you need it and I mean that in a very genuine way not a flippant way. 1
FancyFace Posted January 20, 2015 Posted January 20, 2015 I am doing so much better today especially because I got the best news ever! My home loan has just been approved which means that I am getting my dream home!!! For a split second I thought about how when I was searching for a home, it was with the intention to share it and start a life with my ex. But I guess God had other plans, so I will be entering into this new chapter of my life solo but ultimately with abundant blessings. 3
ralfgarnett Posted January 20, 2015 Posted January 20, 2015 Hi FF that's great news, wishing you every happiness in your new home what a nice fresh start that will be for you, I could do with something like that as this house has far too many memories for me right now, I used to love this house when she was here now I feel trapped and lonely as I run y business from here as well, oh well I guess I'm lucky to have a nice safe home to live in but sometimes I struggle to see hope in anything at the moment, I just want to feel happy again im struggling again at the moment but I hope and pray that it wont feel like this for too much longer.
ZiggyZoo Posted January 20, 2015 Posted January 20, 2015 Thank you for your words of support, Ralf, they were very much needed. I go between wondering what is wrong with me, that I can be so easily dismissed and getting my head on straight and realizing that I'M not the one who's "wrong" at all. I was stuck in the pity party mode this morning, and you calling my ex a b*stard was just what I needed to get me out of it. Because he absolutely is, and this behavior now is actually helping me to firm my resolve to have nothing to do with him romantically. To be somewhat fair to him, he didn't know I was pregnant when he decided to call it off, but six weeks is plenty of time for him to wrap his head around the idea and at least check in on the baby. It all points to the communication issues that were present for our relationship and are very much coming into play right now, which he obviously isn't wiling or able to work on. I'm so glad to be at this stage in getting over this mess, but that's today, and it could be the complete opposite tomorrow. Plus, I have an ultrasound on Thursday, and I haven't decided if I want to call him with the results, or wait for him to call...I know I'll have to break NC someday, but am not looking forward to it. 1
FancyFace Posted January 20, 2015 Posted January 20, 2015 ZiggyZoo: Whatever you decide to do after the ultrasound, I hope that the baby is healthy and that all results come out good. Sending you lots of love and light during your pregnancy and journey into motherhood. Ralf: As you said, it is best to look at the upside, that you have a roof over your head and a place to lay your head. Maybe the trick now would be to create new memories in the house, change the furniture around, paint the walls a bright new bold colour, get that lazy boi that she might never wanted you to get. You have so many possibilities open to you. Healing is a long winding road, so don't be hard on yourself and take it one day at a time. 1
Author Riou Posted January 20, 2015 Author Posted January 20, 2015 Dealing with a lot of things lately,i may need to contact ex for some reason and i have no idea how to do that.Anyone have suggestions?Trying hard to cope amidst all this and on the verge of breaking down.Friends told me i have lost a lot of weight and i guess so since i have no appetite and can only force myself to eat properly once in awhile.
ralfgarnett Posted January 20, 2015 Posted January 20, 2015 I too feel as though I am breaking down, I need to learn coping techniques as I am sat here at the computer and I feel everything wizzing round in my head, I keep feeling like I need to tell her just how much I miss her, I know I shouldn't but a bit of me feels as though I should tell her how I feel, I know it wont make any difference as I feel as though she is on her path and nothing could change that but it just builds up in me to the point I feel like im going to burst with pressure and pain, can any of you girls out there guide me a bit please because I really feel as though she should know but I don't want to say or do the wrong thing, I just keep really panicking in side when I think too much in to the future and she isn't part of it, please help me I feel like im losing my mind just going over and over, its like today I really needed to get some work done but my main business computer isn't working so I have done next to nothing all day and I need the distraction as I really need to get back in the swing of things with regards my business.
ZiggyZoo Posted January 20, 2015 Posted January 20, 2015 I too feel as though I am breaking down, I need to learn coping techniques as I am sat here at the computer and I feel everything wizzing round in my head, I keep feeling like I need to tell her just how much I miss her, I know I shouldn't but a bit of me feels as though I should tell her how I feel, I know it wont make any difference as I feel as though she is on her path and nothing could change that but it just builds up in me to the point I feel like im going to burst with pressure and pain, can any of you girls out there guide me a bit please because I really feel as though she should know but I don't want to say or do the wrong thing, I just keep really panicking in side when I think too much in to the future and she isn't part of it, please help me I feel like im losing my mind just going over and over, its like today I really needed to get some work done but my main business computer isn't working so I have done next to nothing all day and I need the distraction as I really need to get back in the swing of things with regards my business. One thing that really helps me with racing thoughts is to stop fighting them, and to deliberately try and make some sense of them. I'll talk out loud to myself as if I'm explaining what's going on in my head to someone else. I'll get hung up on what went wrong, what I should have done differently, my fears for the future...but by sorting them out one at a time, I find that I can at least feel a bit calmer. Then I'll just take them one by one and look at WHY I disagree with that particular thought. Or, if now really isn't a good time, sort them out, write them down, and say that at 7:00 (or whenever you're done working) you'll address everything. And keep this list going. This was especially helpful for me while at work, since I wasn't ignoring what I was thinking, just choosing to not deal with it until I was ready to. I'd recommend that you look up Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, or CBT, coping techniques. I used at lot of their tactics with my divorce, and you bet I'm doing them right now. Good luck!
ralfgarnett Posted January 20, 2015 Posted January 20, 2015 Hi Ziggy I have been refered in for CBT by my GP and I chased it up this morning, but in advance of that I will take your advice and look up some techniques see if they can help me short term. 1
ZiggyZoo Posted January 20, 2015 Posted January 20, 2015 Good! I'm glad to hear that, I think it is just what you need!
ralfgarnett Posted January 20, 2015 Posted January 20, 2015 Thanks for being so kind to me, I had a look but could only find a description of CBT but couldn't find anything practicle, do you know of any links that you could send me.
ZiggyZoo Posted January 20, 2015 Posted January 20, 2015 My pleasure! You've helped me out enormously, glad I could repay you! Hmmmm, I couldn't find too many myself, but here's a couple sites that may help...a big focus in CBT is in changing the way you think, so I'd say a good exercise would be to write down a thought, any thought, that you want to change. Say, "I'll never be happy again". Then really look at it and see where the error in this way of thinking lies. Are you REALLY never going to be happy again? Of course not! So you'd change it to say "I may be feeling lonely and sad and down on myself right now, but these feelings aren't forever. I will be happy again". It sounds easy (and it really is) but you do this with every negative thought that comes your way, and change them all around to positive ones. And you'll start to believe them, and you're on your way! Its a lot of work, but so worth it. OK, this one is about replacing some of those negative thoughts with more accurate, positive ones: Surviving Your Breakup | Psych Central And this is my secret weapon, a wonderful website called "Baggage Reclaim". I haven't had a time yet where I haven't visited this site and not had an "aha!" moment with something she's said. This article is general advice about getting over someone, but she addresses so much more on there. I really love it. Getting Over Them After a Breakup: When we wonder how long it will take to get over them or why we?re not over them yet | Baggage Reclaim by Natalie Lue
ralfgarnett Posted January 20, 2015 Posted January 20, 2015 Thanks Ziggy that's great, I will take a good look through both links hopefully it will be a start on the road to recovery for me, god bless you for that.
NopeNah Posted January 20, 2015 Posted January 20, 2015 In a funk today after hearing about my ex "skanking it up at the bar" as my friend so elegantly worded it. I was quick to let him know that I didn't want to hear about what she does. I know he thought he was looking out for my best interest, but it obviously had the opposite effect. Anyways...
tryingtodealwithit Posted January 21, 2015 Posted January 21, 2015 haven't posted in a while. i haven't had any contact with the ex in going on two months. haven't initiated contact in 3 months. i was doing ok, but the last week or so i've just kind of been a mess. i can't believe my ex is ok with all of this. obviously i don't know what is going on with my ex and i'm just assuming it's not hard on her at all, but i'd imagine if it was that bad i would hear from her. i wish i had someone to talk to.
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