Gatema Posted November 16, 2014 Posted November 16, 2014 (edited) That's what you'll have to keep working on to find your answers. Especially when the sadness clouds your memory with fleeting visions of the happier days, and then seems to be void for the bulk of the memories that were miserable. You are absolutely allowed to cherish the random times that you had with the beautiful connections that were made together. Along with the loving and mature communicational skills you both used with each other. Putting you both on exactly the same page, at various times. However, as you mentioned in your post , there was a flip side to your blissfulness. As you described here there also was a huge display of dysfunctional behaviors to manipulate one another, and for unknown or for whatever reasons. Simply going by what you've shared, I would have to conclude that this was not an authentic love in the traditional meaning. It may have been a deeply passionate human connection, yes of course, but love, I would have to challenge that opinion. Maybe at first it was love but when the relationship started to break down, and the chronic, insidious accusations were being tossed around in the normal conversational interchanges, that would have been a very good time to take pause. I'm just speculating a little, and I am not trying to be insensitive, but I do wonder. When you don't respect someone can you still be in love with them? Would you intentionally corrupt the morals, or merits of a lover that you do respect? There will come a time in your life that you're going to have to decide just how much you are willing to put up with for the way a man treats you. Simple enough to plan to do in the beginning, but much harder to sustain in the long term. Which translates to mean that leaving is hard to do if it is before you are ready. Ask yourself: Do you really want to keep loving this guy, the same man that when you were together he chose to devalue, disrespect and emotionally slaughter you with words, on as many levels as he possibly could, or you allowed him to do? If you have to stay angry, then stay mad as hell! Stay focused and real about the true nature of your relationship with this guy. You already know that your story in the end wasn't about love. Now it's about the feelings that you have associated with love when it's actually more about the enormous feelings of the loss. Edited November 16, 2014 by Gatema
Gatema Posted November 16, 2014 Posted November 16, 2014 (edited) And of course with all due respect to you. Edited November 16, 2014 by Gatema
Jet Lag Posted November 16, 2014 Posted November 16, 2014 I have my exes son here...and he wants to get his surfboard from his Dad's. I suggested he Facebooks him. His son just came and told me the surfboard is at a mutual friend's house. So, it looks like I am not even allowed to go to the outside of his house these days. Why does that hurt?
Zard0z Posted November 16, 2014 Posted November 16, 2014 Made out with someone other than my ex for the first time in two months. Self-doubt, second-guessing fading. Hope for my ex's return also fading... Went through old photos though. Some made me feel bittersweet, others, like this video message she sent me, kinda disgusted me (it was from the honeymoon stage in our relationship and she was using way too much 'aegyo' i.e. korean love-dovey voice.
candie13 Posted November 16, 2014 Posted November 16, 2014 making sound progress. Day 35 of No Contact. My aim is at least 90 - with the declared hope that by that day I won't realize that I am counting. It gets better - much much better than the first 2 weeks when ever day was torture. I sometimes see 2- 3 days go by and don't immediately think - it's been x amount of days since I have not talked to him. I have accepted that I won't be contacting him. I must admit initially, NC was more to prevent me from contacting him. Now I see NC as protecting me from him. I feel I am slightly getting out of the black hole. I meet new people. The first 5 dates I've been to - hell, the first 8 - were... terrible. Really really bad. Uninteresting, sucked. Big time. Then I met other people. Time passed. I started to be able to focus at work. It got better at my job. I am not spending half a day writing on my diary instead of working. Funnily enough, I met a nice guy a few days ago. Funny. Emotional. Sincere. Honest. He is ready for a relationship. It made me realize that I am still a mess emotionally. I cannot start a relationship. It made me realize I do not want a relationship. Grieving is finally over when you are ready to replace the person you're hung onto. When you want to give another a chance at occupying that special place... or at least when you're willing to give it a try. It's when letting go is fully happening. Once that's done... NC becomes irrelevant because you're healed. You've moved on. I am not there yet. I think I want to enjoy some me time a bit more. Ok, I am also in a shady space a bit more... but I am scared. I know I need to break the news to my mr Nice. Unfortunately, today, a second date with him scared me to death. Not quite there yet. I have to force myself to do this. And focus on other stuff, like work and school and other...
DenverDude Posted November 16, 2014 Posted November 16, 2014 Numb. I just feel numb today. Woke up again at the crack of dawn and couldn't go back to sleep. I just picture her and keep thinking of how every morning before I would go to work, or start my day, I would give her a nice kiss of her forehead (or lips) and tell her that I love her. I miss her immensely
Targetlock Posted November 16, 2014 Posted November 16, 2014 2 months later and im done with it, moving on and back to normal and hopefully be ready to try again soon
DenverDude Posted November 17, 2014 Posted November 17, 2014 My ex is moving everything out tomorrow. Her family and friends have blocked me on Facebook. I am pretty sure that this is the lowest I've ever been in life. I need all the prayers and support I can get from everyone right now. I am not doing good at all.
Dontfindme Posted November 17, 2014 Posted November 17, 2014 My ex is moving everything out tomorrow. Her family and friends have blocked me on Facebook. I am pretty sure that this is the lowest I've ever been in life. I need all the prayers and support I can get from everyone right now. I am not doing good at all. Sending good vibes your way. It will get better.
ralfgarnett Posted November 17, 2014 Posted November 17, 2014 I do not wish the pain I am suffering upon anyone. Not even my worst of enemies. I am still in shock that my love decided to leave me. I feel so alone and have nobody to talk to. When I am finally able to sleep, I have terrible dreams of her and I. I wake up and just lay in bed until I can fall back asleep. Ugh. I think I have lost about 10 pounds too. I feel the same, been having panic attacks all night, cant carry on like this something has to change 1
Xemyd Posted November 17, 2014 Posted November 17, 2014 I'm coping pretty well, it's been over a year, but now I'm starting to really miss the sex. I've never been one to be affected by that, but this time around I feel it. 1
Dobie Posted November 17, 2014 Posted November 17, 2014 Been 5 weeks since I last saw her and weeks since I had any contact apart from a txt last night to say she was coming to get more of her stuff this weekend . Feels harder than the first few weeks I was stubborn and angry , now I just feel hurt she could do this and in such a cold unfeeling unexpected way before my bday . Trying to keep busy but work has cut my hours , friends and family are busy and I'm left in a flat that reminds me everyday of us ... While she has me completely out of sight and mind at her sisters . Even my dog has gone ... So hurt
tikay00 Posted November 17, 2014 Posted November 17, 2014 day 15 (personal record). The thoughts of her coming on strong the past 3 days, but I'm consciously aware that they're just waves, and I'm not dying like before. NC for the win.
StrangerThanFiction Posted November 17, 2014 Posted November 17, 2014 It's been around 9 weeks, or, a little over 2 months since BU. It's weird, it seems at once such a short time but also so very, very long. It's hard to explain. I just can't believe how much emotional distance there is between him and I now. We've talked maybe 3 times over the past 2 months and it was like talking to a stranger. It made me wonder if anything in our 6 year RS was real. I regret spending so much time trying to make something work that was obviously broken for quite some time. It hurts knowing how easily I was replaced and forgotten. I do think I'm really starting to accept the way things are, though. I don't want to hear from him anymore, hence why I finally blocked his number. Sometimes I wonder if he's tried to contact me since and I get a little twinge of anxiety and think maybe I should unblock him but that feeling passes more and more quickly every time it happens. I truly don't want to talk to him. I know in my heart that absolutely nothing good could come from it. Either he'd want to talk because he was bored, try to rub in how great his life and RS with the other woman is, or, least likely, want to get me back on his backburner because he is incapable of being faithful to one woman. All of which I have no interest in being used for. Been there, done that, got the bloody t-shirt so thanks but no thanks. Nothing he has to say to me now will do me any good and I just want to heal. Sometimes it seems impossible that I will ever feel nothing for him, but then I look back on how I was feeling even a month ago and can see how far I've come since then. There is hope, dammit! 3
tikay00 Posted November 17, 2014 Posted November 17, 2014 It's been around 9 weeks, or, a little over 2 months since BU. It's weird, it seems at once such a short time but also so very, very long. It's hard to explain. I just can't believe how much emotional distance there is between him and I now. We've talked maybe 3 times over the past 2 months and it was like talking to a stranger. It made me wonder if anything in our 6 year RS was real. I regret spending so much time trying to make something work that was obviously broken for quite some time. It hurts knowing how easily I was replaced and forgotten. I do think I'm really starting to accept the way things are, though. I don't want to hear from him anymore, hence why I finally blocked his number. Sometimes I wonder if he's tried to contact me since and I get a little twinge of anxiety and think maybe I should unblock him but that feeling passes more and more quickly every time it happens. I truly don't want to talk to him. I know in my heart that absolutely nothing good could come from it. Either he'd want to talk because he was bored, try to rub in how great his life and RS with the other woman is, or, least likely, want to get me back on his backburner because he is incapable of being faithful to one woman. All of which I have no interest in being used for. Been there, done that, got the bloody t-shirt so thanks but no thanks. Nothing he has to say to me now will do me any good and I just want to heal. Sometimes it seems impossible that I will ever feel nothing for him, but then I look back on how I was feeling even a month ago and can see how far I've come since then. There is hope, dammit! In case this helps, even when you block a number, you can still receive text messages from them.
Itspointless Posted November 17, 2014 Posted November 17, 2014 Replaying the last moments of that last weekend today a year ago and the hasty goodbye the day after. I was a mess. It is hard to comprehend that I will never see you again, as the chances are so astronomically small. We could have been great.
me85 Posted November 17, 2014 Posted November 17, 2014 In case this helps, even when you block a number, you can still receive text messages from them. Not on the iPhone. When a number is blocked you don't receive calls or texts. If they call, it sends them straight to voicemail. If they leave a message, it shows up in your VM under "blocked messages." So you are able to listen to their VM but don't know they called unless you check your VM periodically. You have to scroll all the way down to the bottom to see it under blocked messages. Thank God I have an iPhone. 2
freebird31 Posted November 17, 2014 Posted November 17, 2014 I must continue to accept the facts. My ex doesn't want to be with me. It's been too long and I've come to understand that it is now time to accept what is the past. I no longer will let myself linger over it. I believe that one day i will get over this. Or maybe it will have been so long, that the memory and grief has hopefully dulled to nothing. Not only do I hope for complete healing over this, but I hope one day I will find a partner who can better accommodate my needs. I need to make sure to be wise in my choice of men as well. I want to move on when I am properly healed. I'd like to move on when I'm fully healed. I tried dating just recently...and it was just all bad. I am not ready to date anyone. I am still healing, even after 1 year 7 months I'm still healing. With time and patience, I pray and hope I will one day be at place in my life where I'm happy, fulfilled, healed and at peace. 2
DenverDude Posted November 18, 2014 Posted November 18, 2014 Pretty huge setback today. For those who read my last post in this thread, today was the day she took work off to pack everything from our (my) place. I was at work all day, so it worked ouout perfectly for me not to see her. Or so I thought. I stayed late at the office, and even did a little Christmas shopping for my niece and nephews after work to kill time just in case she was still at my place. As I was pulling up to my apartment, my phone rings. I notice the number and it is the main gate calling. First though was "who the hell is visiting me on a Monday evening?!?".. I decide to slowly roll past the entrance to see who it is.. LOW AND BEHOLD....IT'S J. She sees me, so there is no turning back.. I park my car and walk up to see her carrying the last of her belongings. I try my best not to lose it and I start to approach her. She says to me "I feel so embarrassed, thank god you are here... I locked my keys, and phone in your place". I unlock the door for her so she can get her keys and phone, and she asks me how I am doing. It was at this point where I absolute lose it it's amazing how only a week apart makes her look even more beautiful than I imagined. I try to compose myself and walk into my bedroom while she gatherings the last of her things. I wipe the tears away, but they start falling immediately after we make eye contact again. God she is beautiful. I have to get out of here, I tell myself. So I tell her I have to go, and she asks for my assistance with carrying the box of hers.. of course I do it... as I put the box in her car, my emotions are at an all time high. The smell of her car, the inside of her car, everything about that small moment hits me.. this isn't mine anymore. A few tears shed and I wipe the away. As I turn back to her she asks for a hug. I notice she is wearing the winter coat I got her for for christmas. She asks for a hug, I walk away and say " I love that jacket on you", get in my car and leave. She goes one way, I go the other. That will be the last time I see her, or contact her. You might ask why I didn't oblige the hug... well... the last time we saw each other I asked her for one final hug. I hugged her like it was the last time I would ever see her, and upon finishing the hug she says "I didn't even feel anything with that hug". Probably the coldest thing anyone has ever said to me. So that is why I didn't hug her tonight. I am now sitting at a bar, alone, wondering what is next for me.
Bella2 Posted November 18, 2014 Posted November 18, 2014 It's been 3 months since BU and the last days I'm feeling really good. My ex is becoming a faint memory and for the moment I like being alone. Single. I've been planning my birthday, invited lots of people... Everything is and will be fine
Arient Posted November 18, 2014 Posted November 18, 2014 I felt like I have come right back to the starting line, with a feeling of total emptiness today. Sometimes, I just wonder, why I still feel so empty after all I've done. Today, I just felt like there's no points in everything, if he's not in my life. Sucks! I know And I felt so damn hurt. So sad. Maybe the winter did bring back bad memories? As this time last year was the time we went through our major talks before giving it another try. The feelings of everything collapsed. I am so in fear now. Not even sure if I will be able to love someone with such energy anymore. I'm so doomed today.
True Gent Posted November 18, 2014 Posted November 18, 2014 I'm coping pretty well, it's been over a year, but now I'm starting to really miss the sex. I've never been one to be affected by that, but this time around I feel it. You're not alone in this. It's over a year since I had any sex. I'm just not wired up for casual encounters, so I'm in for a bit of a droubt until I find someone I actually want to sleep with again... There is always your imagination
Brimstone Posted November 18, 2014 Posted November 18, 2014 I feel proud. Yesterday was, on the day, 2 years since my last breakup. I thought about it once, when I checked the calendar. If I hadn't checked the calendar, it wouldn't have crossed my mind. A year ago I was wallowing in sadness and waiting for the day to come. No more. I've turned a corner, to somewhere good.
winnerwinnerchicken Posted November 18, 2014 Posted November 18, 2014 Today I am coping ok I guess. Its been about 4.5 months since she left. It was her birthday last friday, the first one in 5 years I didnt spend with her. For the first 4 months i cried and cried and couldnt get over her leaving, now i'm getting to the point where I just dont care anymore. She left me for another guy and moved out while I was at work. The only reason I talked to her for a few weeks post breakup was because I didnt know she left me for another guy. She told me it was because i was a screw up. I really am not a screw up, had she said the word, I would have done anything and everything to keep her happy. Since she was so vocal and complained whenever anything annoyed her, I am pretty sure it is less that we drifted apart, and more just the pure rush of finding someone new. Its hard when you are so close to someone and have been close to them for so long and they just walk out of your life. Her idea was to move out while i was at work, not tell me where she went, not talk about our relationship at all. She planned to leave, not answer my texts and live happily ever after with this new guy. I suppose I can understand sexually that this guy was new, but to treat me like I was the bad guy, like I was some monster and that she didnt even know me when I had no idea what was going on...now that is hard to get over.
DenverDude Posted November 18, 2014 Posted November 18, 2014 Winnerwinner- don't you just hate the feeling of being associated as a monster or just a plain old bad person in the eyes of your ex? It's like they tell themselves that just to make them feel better or something. It's one of the worst things when dealing with a bad breakup.hang in there bud.
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