Should I divorce my wife of three years

[feeling_low]

Sounds like your wife settled for the more reliable guy and wants to go back to the unreliable ones... but stuck in the best situation for the greater good.

 

I think this is exactly right. She dated bad boys and likes the flamboyant type. But things never worked out beyond a certain point and she settled for me because she knew I was a safe bet. But she is getting bored as there is no flamboyance. I can't fake that.

[feeling_low]

I have no idea what country your from, though your English is very good.

 

Your "wife" is having at least one affair with the crush and or the ex. Why no one has said that before is kind of a mystery to me.

 

Listening to your questions and your responses, I have to ask: Are you really that naïve about your wife and what is going on? Do you understand that word naïve?

 

She called out her crush's name while you were screwing her, come on man....

 

If you are in an Muslim country, get her out of the country before divorce her. And learn something about women before you marry another one.

 

I am from India. I do understand what naive means but I am still in this marriage as I know she hasn't crossed the line physically. Both those guys are out of town. If that had happened, I would have called curtains on the marriage immediately.

[Sweetfish]

I am from India. I do understand what naive means but I am still in this marriage as I know she hasn't crossed the line physically. Both those guys are out of town. If that had happened, I would have called curtains on the marriage immediately.

 

 

Blues is pretty dead on when he comes to a conclusion. She is mostly cheating or on the edge... I think its time to man up and leave. If you don't think or know she is cheating I advise you find hard evidence... but the answer is in the tea leaves.

[TheDawg]

I am from India. I do understand what naive means but I am still in this marriage as I know she hasn't crossed the line physically. Both those guys are out of town. If that had happened, I would have called curtains on the marriage immediately.

 

Um, what's the difference if it hasn't gotten physical? The emotional is more important. She's already betrayed you by talking to these guys and saying, directly, that she would f*** them if she could. That's simply NOT what a spouse does in a healthy relationship. You're making excuses for her. What next? She sends him a sexy picture via text, but that's ok since it wasn't physical? C'mon, man.

[DDTA]

When I did speak with her, she sounded like such a confident person, funny, without emotional issues and with strong values and ethics. But, I have no found that she is so emotionally fragile and actually very emotionally selfish without knowing it. Everything becomes about her. Yesterday's example. I watched a sports match while she was out and somebody I liked in the match won. I told her about it and all she could talk about was the casual comment she made about that person winning a few days before. A little pride is good. But, she went on and on and then eventually said I don't appreciate her intuition about guessing the right winner . I mean. Come on man. It was a guess and I did giver her credit that she guessed right. But, it almost became one of those complicated conversations. She always looks for validation.

 

This is just a trivial example. Once my parents living in a tornado affected region were temporarily displaced and we housed them at our place. They came at 4 PM and were dead tired from being without power and electricity for a couple of days and just wanted to get some rest. My wife tended to them initially and then went off into some conversation about her past experiences in life and became emotional for no reason. She spoke this way for more than 2 hours and my 70 year old father said it was getting a little late and that we should all sleep. The situation exploded. She ended up crying and calling my parents insensitive for not listening to her at an emotional time. My father ended up apologizing to her and only then did things settle a bit. This is the kind of emotional blackmail that goes on. I have to walk around eggshells to make sure she doesn't go into that emotional blackmail mode.

 

 

feeling_low, I think your biggest issue is what you described of her interactions with you and your parents. She sounds VERY narcissistic. Does she seem to turn everything and every conversation to focus on her? If your wife has a personality disorder then you are in for a much larger challenge than her having conversations with other men behind your back. Dude, arranged marriage tradition or not I would be looking to get the hell out of that relationship anyway. Living with a narcissistic personality disordered individual is often described as hell. Google up this disorder. There are questionnaires you can download and answer that will help you identify if your wife is borderline or fully NPD. REad up on this an know what you will be in for.

[Mr. Lucky]

I read several interesting post by I believe Manfromlamancha to a man from India. He was English but lived among Sikhs for decades. The man's marriage was also arranged. The thread was very enlighting. His was a lone voice. Again and again he kept explainig why for this marriage the advise that was given was wrong.

 

I will try to find it for you but it has been awhile but when the poster stopped posting the marriage seemed to be going in the right direction.

 

I think Jersey nailed it.

 

feeling_low, given your (seemingly) curious reaction to things both here and in your marriage, I'd guess there's some factors unique to your culture that we simply don't understand. Most Westerners would have confronted their spouse and dealt with the issue more directly.

 

Is there a reason you can't turn to someone locally for advice? It might better serve your situation...

 

Mr. Lucky

[feeling_low]

Blues is pretty dead on when he comes to a conclusion. She is mostly cheating or on the edge... I think its time to man up and leave. If you don't think or know she is cheating I advise you find hard evidence... but the answer is in the tea leaves.

 

The only evidence that I have now is the talk about her former sex life with her ex. And the talk with the crush about what he might think if she left everything and went to stay with him for 2 months. And yes, she did prod him on when he was talking about some other girl's ass, trying to ask remind him that she thought he only liked my wife's ass, based on what he had told before. And there was some talk about how they once tried to get busy once, but when it didn't go through. I wouldn't say I have evidence. It is just that I have heard all this first hand. But, I don't have hard evidence. But there is no denying it in my mind.

 

Um, what's the difference if it hasn't gotten physical? The emotional is more important. She's already betrayed you by talking to these guys and saying, directly, that she would f*** them if she could. That's simply NOT what a spouse does in a healthy relationship. You're making excuses for her. What next? She sends him a sexy picture via text, but that's ok since it wasn't physical? C'mon, man.

I think I am making excuses for her because I care about her or because I am scared about how she will take it when I break up with her. I think DDTA has a point about her being narcissistic. I am going to be taking one of those questionnaires now.

 

I think Jersey nailed it.

 

feeling_low, given your (seemingly) curious reaction to things both here and in your marriage, I'd guess there's some factors unique to your culture that we simply don't understand. Most Westerners would have confronted their spouse and dealt with the issue more directly.

 

Is there a reason you can't turn to someone locally for advice? It might better serve your situation...

 

Mr. Lucky

I have spoken to a couple of friends here. And my sister. My sister is dead against this. She wrote off my wife a long time ago. She once even told me to stop pretending and get out of the marriage. To this, I had a surprisingly annoyed reaction and told her to back off a bit, at least temporarily. I told her to give me some time. Sis didn't take it well but sort of understood me I think.

[feeling_low]

feeling_low, I think your biggest issue is what you described of her interactions with you and your parents. She sounds VERY narcissistic. Does she seem to turn everything and every conversation to focus on her? If your wife has a personality disorder then you are in for a much larger challenge than her having conversations with other men behind your back. Dude, arranged marriage tradition or not I would be looking to get the hell out of that relationship anyway. Living with a narcissistic personality disordered individual is often described as hell. Google up this disorder. There are questionnaires you can download and answer that will help you identify if your wife is borderline or fully NPD. REad up on this an know what you will be in for.

 

This unfortunately seems to be true. I knew she was a strong personality but I just took a couple of questionnaires to figure out how they might categorize a person like my wife and one test said she is 72% narcissistic while another said she is a destructive narcissist.

 

I am quite shocked actually. I think I have only been trying to see the good in her. Now that I think of it, she has problems with almost everyone. She had a huge tiff with people at work. We went on a couple of road trips with friends and she had three episodes where the whole car went silent because she got offended. Three episodes with three different sets of peoples!

 

I guess I always looked at her sympathetically when these incidents occurred. She has always told me that she had a very tough childhood because of her father being very demanding of her, not appreciating her for much. She has also said that her father used to hit her a lot as a kid, to punish her for various things. Lots of kids in India get hit when they are young but I felt so sorry for her when she told me those tales as I was never hit as a kid by my parents.

 

I think that is why I have a big soft corner for her. Also, her parents are as good as split up. Her dad is very finicky and her mom has had many episodes where she has stormed away from the family. Mother and father live separately now. I know kids have it very hard when parents have no solidarity. I think that is why I have been so accommodating of her. But then I also feel people need to move on and become stronger. I have given her a different environment where she can change. She has changed a bit. But I guess she still scores 72% on a narcissism test. So I don't know what to think. But this thread has certainly left me tilted towards moving on.

[Marc878]

No matter how you slice or dice this she's a cheater and only 3 years in?

 

If you're smart you'll end the marriage now vs hell later and maybe kids in the mix!

 

She feels neglected so she chooses other men. Better wake up and end this

[feeling_low]

No matter how you slice or dice this she's a cheater and only 3 years in?

 

If you're smart you'll end the marriage now vs hell later and maybe kids in the mix!

 

She feels neglected so she chooses other men. Better wake up and end this

 

I have decided to end it. Am just finding it tough to actually carry out the act as I keep thinking of the soft corner I have for her. Her parents split up when she was young when her dad had an affair. Her parents tried to unite but it has been a cold war, on and off. Her relationship with her parents is love-hate and her sis is out of town and busy working.

 

If she had a strong support system, I would cut her off immediately. But then, if she had a strong support system, she wouldn't have strayed like this.

 

I am trying to convince myself that she will be better off without me, maybe with that crush of hers as he did playfully hint her to come live where he lives, though he didn't really say with him. But my wife did say "I wish I was single" when she spoke to him.

 

So maybe I just ought to do myself a favor and maybe her a favor as well. So conflicting when you have to end things with someone who you have had a relationship for 3 years. It doesn't help that I haven't been with anyone else in my life. I am finding it very difficult to just cut out someone from my life.

 

I am generally very helpful and have helped orphanages, my aged parents, my sister, people in need and just about everyone in my circle of life. Sometimes it got so bad that I had to constantly convince myself that I was hurting myself too much with the help I gave to others. Not expecting any laurels but just trying to explain that I want to do good to people.

 

When someone gets on my wrong side, I just avoid them. But I guess it isn't that easy with a wife. Just have to ponder over this for a few days and then actually do it.

[feeling_low]

Also, I want to narrate another incident that happened yesterday. We went out for a movie and I do these things to try to put everything behind me and see if I can give her what she wants. We had a good time at the movie and she wanted to go shopping for an hour.

 

I hadn't eaten lunch and was quite hungry but knew that she won't like it if we skipped shopping. So I went along and actively participated in the shopping.

 

Then we got back home and I got some take out, for me and for her as well. In between lunch and a cold drink, she wanted to hug me. I was just settling in after lunch and did give her a hug but I was not fully into it and swayed a little.

 

To this she immediately snapped at me and told me to just go away and not talk about it when I immediately offered to make it up to her. She snapped again and I just went and quietly sat down. It was cold for about half an hour and the rest of the evening was cold as well.

 

The next morning she told me that she didn't like the way she snapped at me but also said that I never seem to learn how to be into a hug. She said I really needed to learn after 3 years of marriage.

 

The problem is hugging is not a very Indian thing to do. We only do it on very rare occasions. But my wife wants it everyday. I mostly oblige and sometimes initiate hugs as well but yesterday was a slip up and I got chided for it.

 

Is it normal for a wife to react the way she did? Every time there is conflict, I have to become submissive to bring things back to normal. It is in moments like these that I lose my soft corner for her and just want to end it all.

 

Sorry about the heavy ranting. Just that I am not at peace.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Feeling_ low, no way is it normal for a wife to react the way she did. Apparently she has some personality problems of a severe nature and you would be best off without her. Find another woman. There are plenty of good women in India who would make a good wife for you. You don't have to put up with someone with a nasty personality where you have to tip toe around her or walk on egg shells in her presence. Warm wishes.

[feeling_low]

Hi Feeling_ low, no way is it normal for a wife to react the way she did. Apparently she has some personality problems of a severe nature and you would be best off without her. Find another woman. There are plenty of good women in India who would make a good wife for you. You don't have to put up with someone with a nasty personality where you have to tip toe around her or walk on egg shells in her presence. Warm wishes.

 

I think I agree with you. I see a lot of women here who stand by their husbands not just when things are going great, but when there are problems as well. I think that is important to me as life is never going to be all peaches. The last thing I want is a intolerant partner when life gets a bit tough.

[Marc878]

You have given her total control over you. So she'll treat you as she pleases.

 

You have much work to do on yourself. It sounds like you're to weak willed to do anything about this except complain on a forum.

 

You're life and future is more of what you've gotten and probably worse.

 

You have not much of a future. It will suck to be you.

 

Read up

No More Mr Nice Guy

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[somanymistakes]

You are completely unable to meet this woman's needs and see her needs as a burden.

 

She is unable to meet your needs and doesn't understand them at all.

 

This is part of why people from cultures that don't do arranged marriages look so askance at them when they encounter the concept. If you had taken more time to get to know each other it might have been obvious that you were not a good match.

 

I don't think she's an evil manipulative narcissist at all. I think she's weak, and very lonely, and feels absolutely unsupported by you. And I know you feel let down by her. We don't have to make either one of you into a monster in order to recognise that this isn't working out.

 

For someone very desperately in need of affection, it is not abnormal for her to become upset when she explicitly asks for it from you and you can't give it. But it's not in your nature to be the sort of partner she wants. And it's not in her nature to be a good wife to you.

[feeling_low]

You have given her total control over you. So she'll treat you as she pleases.

 

You have much work to do on yourself. It sounds like you're to weak willed to do anything about this except complain on a forum.

 

You're life and future is more of what you've gotten and probably worse.

 

You have not much of a future. It will suck to be you.

 

Read up

No More Mr Nice Guy

Free PDF download

 

Wow. That escalated quickly. First of all, if you are voicing your opinion, it would be safe to word it like an opinion. Not say it like it is the word of God! My life doesn't suck. I am a successful entrepreneur otherwise. I am healthy, I play a great amount of competitive sport and enjoy brilliant bike rides (And before anyone chirps in and says "You spend so much time on yourself, no wonder you are in this mess"...v I only do these things when the wife is occupied with work!) . Yes, one aspect of my life doesn't work. My marriage. And I am working on it.

 

I am a very tolerant person. My tolerance can be misinterpreted for lack of assertiveness. But believe me when I say I can be extremely assertive when the scales tip a bit too much for me. I have made grown men want to hide in a hole when I have called them out after a long period of tolerance. It is just that I give people a chance to change their behavior.

Edited March 14, 2017 by feeling_low

[feeling_low]

It sounds like you're to weak willed to do anything about this except complain on a forum.

 

Complain on a forum! First of all, what are you doing as a registered member on a forum where technically, according to you everyone who starts a thread is "complaining"?

[mightycpa]

I think this is where I am having trouble DDTA. I accepted to marry her after only a few hours of conversation. It was an arranged marriage where your parents mostly think you are a good match, and then let us speak to each other to find out if we are compatible. I know it sounds strange but millions of people get married like this in India.

I'm curious, what is the point of such a marriage? For example:

 

1) To have children

2) To fall in love

3) To exist normally in the culture

4) To belong to a traditional family

 

I'm sure there are more reasons, and if the whole point is to have children or to belong to a traditional family, then I suppose the risk is that while you may be compatible, there's no guarantee that there will be emotional fireworks.

 

An arranged marriage seems like a dubious way to achieve goal #2.

 

My point is that you seem to resent her emotional involvement with other men, while not at least being open to the idea that the way you got married is at best a hit or miss proposition for having such emotional involvement. If your marriage is a MISS on this issue, then it seems reasonable that as a young woman, she'd seek it outside of marriage.

 

Is the expectation that if you can't find romance in an arranged marriage, then you agree to forego this aspect of your life and you simply won't seek it at all?

 

Enlighten me. Many of those who have answered here are not in arranged marriages. I know if my parents had arranged a marriage with who they thought I'd be happy with, they would have chosen poorly. So the whole thing is strange, and I think a recitation of what your expectations are would be instructive. Does the couple ever talk about this?

[feeling_low]

I'm curious, what is the point of such a marriage? For example:

 

1) To have children

2) To fall in love

3) To exist normally in the culture

4) To belong to a traditional family

 

I'm sure there are more reasons, and if the whole point is to have children or to belong to a traditional family, then I suppose the risk is that while you may be compatible, there's no guarantee that there will be emotional fireworks.

 

An arranged marriage seems like a dubious way to achieve goal #2.

 

My point is that you seem to resent her emotional involvement with other men, while not at least being open to the idea that the way you got married is at best a hit or miss proposition for having such emotional involvement. If your marriage is a MISS on this issue, then it seems reasonable that as a young woman, she'd seek it outside of marriage.

 

Is the expectation that if you can't find romance in an arranged marriage, then you agree to forego this aspect of your life and you simply won't seek it at all?

 

Enlighten me. Many of those who have answered here are not in arranged marriages. I know if my parents had arranged a marriage with who they thought I'd be happy with, they would have chosen poorly. So the whole thing is strange, and I think a recitation of what your expectations are would be instructive. Does the couple ever talk about this?

 

I understand how you feel unconvinced by an arranged marriage. The problem is that arranged marriages in India was a practice that began when it was a very chauvinistic society. It wasn't that men didn't respect women but just that they felt that their only purpose was to take care of the man and give birth and be a good mother. There were times when the men's family went to see the girl's family, and the girl was just brought out and asked to serve tea or coffee, not really say much and then wait for the man to make up his mind. Usually, the girl is given a chance to see the guy's photograph and learn about what he does before the potential groom is invited over to the house. Though this sounds very lopsided and in favor of the man, believe me when I say that girl's parents often did their homework as well, only scouting for men who were in a good job, with prospects of earnings well or at least earning in a stable manner.

 

But, over time, women have become independent, like they should be, have started to earn and have become more vocal about their life choices. Again, a very good thing.

 

The problem is that the older generation or my parent's generation still frowns upon dating and sex before marriage. It is often taboo, according to them, to know that a boy or girl has an affair or physical relationship before marriage. There are some cool parents who are OK with all that though. They have a very open relationship. I was a virgin by choice until I got married. (I know it is a super corny thing to say these days) but I chose to be that way because my parents said it was the right thing to do!

 

Generally, these conservative and open parents never seek out a bride or a groom from a family with open-minded parents. In my case, my parents are conservative and my wife's parents are actually open minded. Or, they were forced to be open-minded because of their daughter's choices.

 

But the problem is that my wife's parents didn't disclose their acceptance of their daughter's lifestyle choices (various past relationships) when they spoke to me or my parents. They presented themselves as a conservative kind and I had certain expectations. Now, when I say expectations, I don't mean that my wife needs to cook and care for me! It also wasn't that I expected her to be a virgin (I hate it when people write off value-oriented conservative people like me as people who want virgins!! It is such a ugly interpretation. We just wanted someone who had the same values as us, so we can start on the same boat, and go about life)

 

But I didn't expect my wife to have so much baggage from her past relationships. We actually found out after the marriage that my wife's parents have basically split up after the father had an affair of some sorts, and that they stayed together just to get my wife married of. They now live separately. Any other family would have been enraged by all of this. But we understood and didn't make even a small fuss about it, as we took it as good intentions on their part to find stability for their daughter.

 

I know of so many arranged couples that are very happy together. My parents themselves are a product of an arranged marriage.

 

In any case, now that I think of it, I think I still haven't broken this marriage off as anyone who gets into an arranged marriage should ideally take on a commitment to make the marriage work, no matter what. But, I don't see myself lasting long. Only she can change her behavior and wrap her head around what she wants from life.

 

If she wants someone who cares for her, will be there for her no matter what and wants someone who will be loyal for life, I am a good fit.

 

But, if she instead wants hugs, kisses and other forms of PDA AND ALSO feels that it is more important than what I have to offer as a good man, I will end it.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Feeling_low, reading your last post gives me the idea that you have very balanced and level headed views on everything to do with your cultural compulsions and your relationship issues. Good for you. I think, overall, coming from a conservative background you have fairly liberal ideas about your expectations of your wife and of yourself. Having said that I have to also say that the picture that you have painted of Indian relationships and the way they were brought about is actually quite dated. I agree that in certain sections of Indian society conservative practices still exist. However, even in those sections things ate changing very fast. I think I Indian society is becoming very Westernized in the way it looks at things. While there is still a strong pull toward conservatism, as you said this is now limited to the older generation where few women joined the work force.

 

The current crop of young people have a pretty liberal view of things and in the corporate work culture you would find an increasing number of women in responsible positions. Also you have Pubs and discotheques where young people congregate to have fun very much like they do in the West. I do not know whether you are living and working in India or abroad. However, even if you are living and working in India you would know that divorce among young people is on the rise, more often than not, initiated by the wife. You would also know of the Domestic Violence Act which is slated in favour of women and has been misused by them against their husbands and in laws quite often. My point in all this is to say that the old days of living out relationships are now almost over. Women are empowered to a much greater extent and are using that empowerment for their own benefit. There is therefore no reason for you to feel hesitant about seperating from your wife if you think you two are not compatible. Apart from that her having had an EA gives you more compelling reasons to call it off because, clearly, your wife is not invested in you or your marriage. I have heard of ridiculous cases where a wife has divorced her husband one year into a marriage on the flimsy grounds that her husband refused to hand over the TV remote to her and falsely blamed him for physically intimidating her. If a wife could divorce for such trivial reasons I think you have a good reason to seperately from your wife. Warm wishes.