Popsicle Posted February 23, 2017 Share Posted February 23, 2017 If you really are a man who's concerned about long-term, then I'd say you did the right thing. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
joseb Posted February 23, 2017 Share Posted February 23, 2017 Yes you did the right thing. To me, her comment about previous guys saying she would never need to work was more manipulative tactics to get you to pay for everything. Too many red flags too early. Time to pull the plug. Personally I would not be checking her social media etc, not healthy. It's over so cut contact. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
VeveCakes Posted February 23, 2017 Share Posted February 23, 2017 Just an update... I did break up with her. I was pretty firm, but mature, and made it more of a "these are signs we're not meant for each other, and let's do it right and end it now" talk than a bitter discussion. She said she was shocked and seemed a little upset, but didn't seem too empathic, though she did say she was hoping we would work things out. Just a couple of questions... 1. Did I really do the right thing? Even though objectively I know her behaviors were pretty concerning, I do like a lot about her and I'm feeling pretty bummed about being single again after finding what I thought was a good fit for an LTR. I do believe she really does like me, but I also really believe that her focus is more on money and getting what she wants first, rather than on the mutuality of the connection in the relationship. 2. She changed her relationship status online and deleted all pictures of us from facebook and social media, but she has not unfriended me from any sites and hasn't reinstated her online dating profile yet. Why? There were SO MANY RED FLAGS waiving I'm surprised they didn't knock you out. She's already prepping to find the next man. Don't worry about it. This woman would have made your life a living hell. NC for life with this one. Link to post Share on other sites
SoThatHappened Posted February 23, 2017 Share Posted February 23, 2017 1. Did I really do the right thing? ... I'm feeling pretty bummed about being single again You definitely did the right thing. I was also in your spot with a girl who was always, always late. Not 10 minutes, not 20 minutes, but at least 90 minutes. Every. Single. Time. Last time she made it out to be my fault (somehow in her mind), and I respectfully told her that we are not on the same level as each other, and we should stop seeing each other. I gave up great sex (which I hadn't had in, oh, about 2 years) because I wasn't willing to put up with that long-term. Next week, found a different girl and we fit perfectly together. Very thankful for this girl, actually. Again, the steady sex (or just companionship) isn't worth the headache when the right person could be right around the corner... And you might have missed the right person if you hung with the possible gold-digging, manipulative, jealous-making one. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author TunaInTheBrine Posted February 23, 2017 Author Share Posted February 23, 2017 You definitely did the right thing. I was also in your spot with a girl who was always, always late. Not 10 minutes, not 20 minutes, but at least 90 minutes. Every. Single. Time. Last time she made it out to be my fault (somehow in her mind), and I respectfully told her that we are not on the same level as each other, and we should stop seeing each other. I gave up great sex (which I hadn't had in, oh, about 2 years) because I wasn't willing to put up with that long-term. Next week, found a different girl and we fit perfectly together. Very thankful for this girl, actually. Again, the steady sex (or just companionship) isn't worth the headache when the right person could be right around the corner... And you might have missed the right person if you hung with the possible gold-digging, manipulative, jealous-making one. Yeah, I hear ya. Ever since she threw a hissy fit on Valentine's Day for me not telling her my credit limit, and the more I started to piece things together, and then especially after the club dancing incident, I felt this awful depressive feeling in my stomach when I envisioned what a man would feel like being with her in a long-term relationship. She never really spoke about what she did wrong in her first marriage or her broken engagement, but I'm almost certain I was feeling the early stages of what they were. So yeah, I know I took myself out of a bad situation. I am not worried about getting laid. That I know how to do more or less when I'd like it. But I really am over just casual dating for a while now and just want the real thing. I was hoping that with all her initial good behavior and adoring me, I'd finally found it. I still say there were things about her I really liked, but man, she is really vein and loves money/status more than anything. I just can't do that. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Mkn1010 Posted February 23, 2017 Share Posted February 23, 2017 I think you did the right thing, all we can do is trust ourselves and go with our gut (which is our body's way of alerting us to danger). Trust me, I know how much it sucks when you start dating someone for the first time in YEARS with serious hopes and intentions with them. But good things will come to you if you continue sticking to your values. You've been cheated on, you want your next LTR to be with an understanding/supporting and amazing woman (one with kindness, empathy, introspection)! Don't settle. And if casual dating/sex ain't floating your boat, don't do it! Even if that means being celibate for a very long time, it's better than the hollow feeling you can when you engage in meaningless sex after you've decided it's not what you want. Oh and congrats to you for having the balls to pull the pin and put yourself first! This is a sign you're on the right track 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Purepony Posted February 23, 2017 Share Posted February 23, 2017 Yeah I'd drop her My credit limit has nothing to do with her at month 1 and it sounds likes she's fighting you for control this early on I would exit she's obviously not ready to date Link to post Share on other sites
Purepony Posted February 23, 2017 Share Posted February 23, 2017 I just saw the update good job best move you could've made Link to post Share on other sites
Leigh 87 Posted February 24, 2017 Share Posted February 24, 2017 And some men prefer not to invest their energy in Little Princesses. In my experience, most men don't want to be with one of those women, and of those who do, many of them use their wallet to substitute for their confidence. I am by no means cheap, but the unfortunate reality is that if you're a successful guy, you will encounter gold diggers. One way men can guard against this is to see how women react over time to them about issues of money. I typically pay the first few dates and then open things up for her to pay half. Sometimes I still pick up the tab...but when I want to. I do end up paying most of the relationship, even when the woman makes the same income as me. This has never been an issue in my previous relationships. I really, really don't believe this is an issue about me being cheap. But that's a whole other issue than the one I initially posted about and what you posted. Look, this post is really about red flags in a relationship triggered by a woman whose primary focus is money....not just whether the guy should pay for dates, as well as a woman who resorts to manipulation and jealousy to rebel against her boyfriend. She asks about my credit line, the financial details of my business, whether I have any investments or bonds, etc... She even bought me a wallet for Valentine's Day and was pouty that I made her gift (a thoughtful painting, nevermind the $80 roses I bought) rather than bought her gift! This is barely two months into a relationship, not to mention the other displays of selfish behavior at the salsa club recently. I haven't seen one reply to this thread so far from someone that suggests they would NOT dump this woman. Maybe your comment was meant to be a side thread about who should pay for dates, but I'd like to redirect the post back to the larger picture. Oh yeah she is shocking. Glad you ended it. I am trying to explain that some girls who are not into splitting the bill are not all gold diggers. I am not a gold digger. And I am super generous with my finances yet still prefer men to do the treating when it comes to dates. I also prefer to do the cleaning and would prefer to do the child rearing if I have a kid with my partner while he works. So my point is: some women are simply not feminists and need their guys to pay for dates and traditional stuff but that doesn't mean we think it's appropriate to ask about your income or financial status. It is unfortunate but Chinese seem to be notorious for asking their men about their incomes early on in the dating process. Sorry the stereotype proved to be true. It sucks when you just finally felt you had a meaningful connection.... I mean I need a guy to pay for dates but wow, prying about their bonds and shares is a sure sign of a gold digger or woman that cares too much about money.... Link to post Share on other sites
Author TunaInTheBrine Posted March 1, 2017 Author Share Posted March 1, 2017 (edited) **UPDATE** I think after cooling down, I feel like I made a mistake in breaking things off. I texted her Saturday and asked if she wanted to find time to meet up and talk, and she replied saying she was hurt by the way I broke up with her/the things I accused her of and that let's give each other more time to think. That was four days after I called things off with her. It's now been three days since the "let's give each other more time to think" text. How long do I wait before I just give up and start dating other women again? My interpretation is that the ball is in her court now, and that I shouldn't contact her again until she is ready to reach out to me. Yeah, she did some stuff that I still feel is not okay with me, but other than that one week of chaos, I feel like we were doing great and I really liked her. I worry that if I just break things off with a girl I like every time conflict arises, I'll never be able to make a relationship work. Thoughts? Edited March 1, 2017 by TunaInTheBrine Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 1, 2017 Share Posted March 1, 2017 **UPDATE** I think after cooling down, I feel like I made a mistake in breaking things off. I texted her Saturday and asked if she wanted to find time to meet up and talk, and she replied saying she was hurt by the way I broke up with her/the things I accused her of and that let's give each other more time to think. That was four days after I called things off with her. It's now been three days since the "let's give each other more time to think" text. How long do I wait before I just give up and start dating other women again? My interpretation is that the ball is in her court now, and that I shouldn't contact her again until she is ready to reach out to me. Yeah, she did some stuff that I still feel is not okay with me, but other than that one week of chaos, I feel like we were doing great and I really liked her. I worry that if I just break things off with a girl I like every time conflict arises, I'll never be able to make a relationship work. Thoughts? Honestly, what do you feel can happen that will make your R with her better? I think you did the right thing by ending it for obvious reasons, as well as the fact that the problems and emotional baggage she has is NOT going away any time soon. Getting back with her is a mistake. Grieve the loss and let go.. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Mkn1010 Posted March 1, 2017 Share Posted March 1, 2017 I really think that it's admirable that you see the benefit in working on relationship issues and not just bailing when things get tricky. And believe me when I say that the right woman will meet you half way when you extend the olive branch. When you try and resolve conflict and bring the pillars towards the other person to mend the bridge and they simply blow the damn thing up again, you're pushing sh*t up a hill! That being said, it's justified that she's hurt right now and may not want to talk to you. However, her previous conflict resolution behaviors speak volumes and should also give you an indication of how she will treat this present reach out by you. I really think she's the type to make you suffer/punish you for dumping her. And if you want her back, she will milk it for all it's worth (utilize to place herself in a power position). BUT when you're having doubts, sometimes going through the process of trying to reconcile can often give final clarity to a situation. So if you need to revisit this, I believe you will have your answer sooner or later. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author TunaInTheBrine Posted March 1, 2017 Author Share Posted March 1, 2017 (edited) I really think that it's admirable that you see the benefit in working on relationship issues and not just bailing when things get tricky. And believe me when I say that the right woman will meet you half way when you extend the olive branch. When you try and resolve conflict and bring the pillars towards the other person to mend the bridge and they simply blow the damn thing up again, you're pushing sh*t up a hill! That being said, it's justified that she's hurt right now and may not want to talk to you. However, her previous conflict resolution behaviors speak volumes and should also give you an indication of how she will treat this present reach out by you. I really think she's the type to make you suffer/punish you for dumping her. And if you want her back, she will milk it for all it's worth (utilize to place herself in a power position). BUT when you're having doubts, sometimes going through the process of trying to reconcile can often give final clarity to a situation. So if you need to revisit this, I believe you will have your answer sooner or later. I was literally telling a friend last night that I wonder now if she is trying to 'punish' me for dumping her. I also think you're right about the whole 'the right person will work to mend things with you when you make a peace offering' angle. I don't want to beat myself up too long over this and wind up losing my confidence as a man. I sincerely do want a long-term relationship, but with a woman who treats me with the respect, loyalty, and communication I deserve. I am able to own my s**t that I do wrong, and I know I made some mistakes, but I do believe for the most part my heart has been in the right place and that I gave her my best. This sucks, but maybe you're all right that it's for the best if this is who she really is. If she really wanted this, I think I would have heard from her by now. It's now been 4 days since our text exchange when she suggested we take more time to think, and I still haven't heard from her. It was 4 days before that that I broke up with her. Edited March 1, 2017 by TunaInTheBrine 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted March 1, 2017 Share Posted March 1, 2017 You are like a horse wanting to run back into his burning stall. She is familiar and it's easier for you to deal with her than to go out there and find someone compatible and worthy of your love. You live in a box and are unable to see the big picture. Lift your nose up in the air and see at the bigger picture. She is not a good long term prospect for you, or for any man. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
SoThatHappened Posted March 1, 2017 Share Posted March 1, 2017 You say you want long-term... well: Imagine yourself married to someone with these characteristics. Imagine yourself married WITH KIDS to someone with these characteristics. Then, imagine getting "punished" when she divorces you, takes half of your stuff, and possibly negatively impacted children's lives. After you do that, hopefully you'll look yourself in the mirror and say, "Way to dodge THAT bullet, Tuna." 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Miss Peach Posted March 1, 2017 Share Posted March 1, 2017 OP - It sounds like you both have some pretty big insecurities you brought into the relationship. I've never been asked about my credit limits on cards (and I was married plus in several LTRs). But I would also take it as a sign the guy was insecure if he wanted to know everything about what I was doing and who I was talking to (but I would probably disclose that anyway once in a relationship). IMO both of you needed to just chill out a bit and take a 'we'll see' approach until you knew each other better'. On the good side it was a good sign you could both talk and communicate and resolve things like adults. IMO good relationships are the ones where communication is good enough things don't blow up rather than the ones with no issues whatsoever. Now that you broke up with her, you basically said you didn't care. She's probably hurting from that. FWIW if a guy broke up with me over something petty and then came crawling back I wouldn't go back to him. It has nothing to do with punishing. I just wouldn't see that guy as someone who was into me enough or is too immature for me and it would be time to move on. Link to post Share on other sites
Author TunaInTheBrine Posted March 1, 2017 Author Share Posted March 1, 2017 (edited) OP - It sounds like you both have some pretty big insecurities you brought into the relationship. I agree. But I would also take it as a sign the guy was insecure if he wanted to know everything about what I was doing and who I was talking to (but I would probably disclose that anyway once in a relationship). I don't know if I communicated this correctly or not, but I never got suspicious of her, never asked her what she was doing when she wasn't around, or kept tabs on her. When I asked her who she was texting with, it certainly was not accusatory. I really was casually asking. If I dig deep and honestly within myself, sure, I can find a part of me that wondered, but it was mostly innocent, I'm certain. But because I've been betrayed in the past, she assumed that's where it was coming from. I've got a pretty good intuition for cheating types, and I don't feel concerned about that with her. I do believe (and she admitted) that she can be an instigator, and I can see her using my past hurts/soft spots to get to me if she's pissed off, such as when she got really friendly with the salsa dancer to "rebel" against me. FWIW if a guy broke up with me over something petty and then came crawling back I wouldn't go back to him. It has nothing to do with punishing. I just wouldn't see that guy as someone who was into me enough or is too immature for me and it would be time to move on. I don't feel my reasons were petty, so I guess we disagree there, if you're saying that it was a petty breakup. But I do wish I would have requested some space to do my own thing for a few days and given it more time to digest before rushing to call things off. We do have different communication styles when it comes to conflict. I don't feel I'm crawling back here. I asked her if she wanted to meet up and talk. She said she wasn't ready yet, and "let's give each other more time to think." If she is interested enough in a relationship with me still then I'm sure I'll hear from her. And even if I do, that's not a guarantee I would get back together with her. We both have to want it. I would be willing to take some risks here and try new ways of handling conflict, but I'll need her to do the same. Neither of us is innocent here. Edited March 1, 2017 by TunaInTheBrine Link to post Share on other sites
Mkn1010 Posted March 3, 2017 Share Posted March 3, 2017 Since she requested more time as opposed to providing a straight-up answer, the onus is on her to get back to you. It is implied that she needs to give you an answer one way or the other and you're hence left waiting (her in the power position). I really hope she gets back to you as 4 days is quite a while to wait in the circumstances and would be causing you great anxiety, which SHE KNOWS, but I just get the feeling that she's going to leave you hanging! Hope I'm wrong! Link to post Share on other sites
Author TunaInTheBrine Posted March 3, 2017 Author Share Posted March 3, 2017 (edited) Since she requested more time as opposed to providing a straight-up answer, the onus is on her to get back to you. It is implied that she needs to give you an answer one way or the other and you're hence left waiting (her in the power position). I really hope she gets back to you as 4 days is quite a while to wait in the circumstances and would be causing you great anxiety, which SHE KNOWS, but I just get the feeling that she's going to leave you hanging! Hope I'm wrong! No, you're right. It's now been 5 days, I haven't heard from her, and I saw she put her OLD profile back up and is pretty active online. Whatever she's thinking, it's certainly not about working things out between us. She probably knows I'm not going to acquiesce to her, and that's probably another reason (on top of her wanting to punish me) why I haven't heard back. I'm honestly not all too upset about it. The right woman for me wouldn't have crossed the boundaries she did in the last week of the relationship, nor 'punished' me like she is now. At least when I broke up with her, I was civil, mature, and empathic. No regrets. I don't feel bad about my part in this. I was sincere and communicative all the way through. You guys, and any friend I've talked to, have all reinforced for me that I did the right thing. Even if I decided not to break up with her when I did, my gut tells me that her behavior would have continued similarly with me and I would have done it at some point anyway...and it probably would have hurt more if I waited. I know she wants a relationship, but I don't think it's for the right reasons, and I can't see her and any guy being happy together long-term until she grows up. If she decides to come back to me at some point, which I doubt, she's really going to have to demonstrate she's matured. I don't see that happening. I've already got a couple of women I'm working on just to get myself back out there. I believe I deserve someone awesome who can match what I bring in communication. Closure would have been nice. A second chance between two people who are willing to communicate with self-awareness would have been even better. But her past relationships (ex-marriage, ex-fiancé, ex-live-in-boyfriend) don't have these features, and none of them ended peacefully. Why would our ending be any different? Edited March 3, 2017 by TunaInTheBrine 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mkn1010 Posted March 3, 2017 Share Posted March 3, 2017 GREAT POST Tuna!! Please let me know if you find the right woman, I could use a hopeful story of finding your way back to love again! Link to post Share on other sites
grays Posted March 3, 2017 Share Posted March 3, 2017 A personally handmade valentine's gift sounds like the sweetest thing ever! She wasnt right for you! Link to post Share on other sites
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