Still struggling

[keiji]

Keiji,

 

The laughing I hope will start soon. Now I'm in the angry stage, and I more cringe at how lovesick I acted. It's taken much consoling from my female friends to pull me out of the guilty stage.

 

One lady friend of mine is a very beautiful makeup artist to Hollywood types. She stated that under no circumstances was how I got treated ok, and better yet, although my exs feelings were hurt, that doesn't give her the right to continuously hurt me for months in return. Better yet, any one of my list of grievances are deal breakers, and she should have been clear from the start. People who love each other don't want to hurt the other under any circumstances.

 

A tough-as-nails female marine friend commented that I will continue to be angry until I quit looking back, and accept how much better I am than her, and this situation. The anger stems from frustration of inaction, rejection, and getting treated like dirt and discarded. The contentment will come when I stop hoping and start moving forward.

 

Finally, I am envious of those who have mutual breakups, breakup conversations, or even communication with their exs. I basically was ghosted after a very intense 18 months. I keep discipline at this point by imagining mine getting plowed by the mopes at her bar.

 

And yeah, I'm angry, and wish the haze would lift at some point. I am so much better than this, and gents, you are too.

 

I was angry for years, even with people who had nothing to do with my predicament. I truly believe that your SO's poor behavior has nothing to do with you –if you have been good to them, that is– and everything to do with themselves. When the idea sank in, which took quite a while, I truly started to heal and look at the situation with a certain perspective.

 

I'll give you an example. That toxic relationship I mentioned in my previous post devastated me completely. The girl is an egomaniac like no other. She's a good person, but since she couldn't control me, she started demeaning me to the point where I almost believed I was the worst monster to ever tread this planet. I was in such a weak mental state after the humiliation my ex-wife subjected me to that I let her transfer her own frustrations to me, which translated into awful panic attacks, depression and lack of self-esteem. But one day I was sitting at home and though, "wait a minute. That's not me". So I mentally went over the relationship over and over again, stood up to her, let her know that 99% of the times I had said "I was sorry" I was wrong and didn't speak to her for two years. She's been chasing me ever since. Here's a (ridiculous) conversation she started yesterday night at 12.15pm:

 

She: I've dined at this restaurant tonight. I totally recommend it.

Me: Yeah, been there twice.

She: Best burrata in town. We should go together!

Me: I'd rather spend that money on records. You know I couldn't care less about food.

 

That should have been more than enough, but no. Here comes the insidious insinuation:

 

She: Sure, you've never appreciated the good things.

Me: Of course, you are better at that. I'm a jerk.

She: Hey, hey, peace! White flag.

Me: Oh no, it's fine. It's you who has a problem, not me.

 

That's from someone who "wants me back in her life" and who "will wait as long as it takes". A couple of years ago I would have started an argument which would have wrecked me. Now I find her laughable. She messages me at 12 in the evening to recommend something she knows I don't give a f*** about, I give her a not-so-nice reply, and she throws some cheap irony my way? It's her problem, not mine.

 

Last Tuesday I found out by pure chance that my latest ex-girlfriend, the one that brought me to LS and the shrink's office once again, has an Instagram account and I gave in to temptation. What I found wasn't nice. She lied to me and lied to her new boyfriend, whom he cheated on at least emotionally. I was angry and sad for a few hours. I felt betrayed and confirmed my suspicions that she wasn't remotely who I though she was. But again, what that does say about me? Nothing at all. That doesn't diminish my value whatsoever. If anything, it diminishes hers. So with the benefit of hindsight, I looked in the mirror and saw someone that's way better than her. Way, way better.

 

It takes a lot of work rebuilding your self-esteem, no question about that, but I firmly believe it's the right attitude, not only for healing from past experiences, but for facing future relationships with a healthier attitude, particularly towards ourselves. We can't be communicating vessels with people like that. We're not like them and hope we never are.

 

Sorry for the length (and my English too).

[keiji]

Reading this all back, I think I may need to go and see the doctor on Monday. I can't carry on like this.

 

This is what I did and it worked wonders. In any event, although it feels very, very long when you're aching, six months is nothing. It took a while for me to regain my excitement for life in general. I'm an incredibly curious person who loves to scratch every surface. I have thousands of records. Listening to music is the first thing I do in the morning and the last thing I do before going to bed. Hell, yesterday I was listening to funeral music from Borneo, go figure. But my albums remained unplayed for months. I couldn't open a book or watch a good movie. When I met friends for drinks or whatever, I isolated myself and wondered where she was at that very exact moment. Would she be making out with some guy while I was sinking in sadness?

 

It's also important to do some guided soul searching. You need to know your responsibilities in that relationship, but also define very clearly what was HER responsibility. We tend to endlessly wonder what we did wrong, what we could have done to keep them by our side, but the sad truth is that there's nothing we can do about it. Again, their actions most of the time have nothing to do with us.

 

And one more thing: thinking about suicide while she may be enjoying life to the fullest at that very moment? No way. Enjoy your little revenge by taking the reigns of your life again. Those people suck. Seriously.

[Bromeo]

Keiji,

 

We have much in common. It's 7am in Chicago, and I'm listening to Edm myself. I took up falconry, sommelier training, and novel writing. It's the man part of me, but I refuse to be average about anything. College, work, anything. I was semi pro mma for awhile, was considering a pro contract, etc.

 

I've lived a crazy life, traveled, got accepted into a top college, killed it there, and have a career people watch on tv.

 

The running joke, after scores of beautiful women, including a Bavarian duchess, is that a small town girl got to me. Guess karma holds hands with irony, no?

 

Plt, the point is, find the thing that keeps you centered, and hold onto it. I give myself time to think about my ex each day, and then I push it out by getting angry.

 

Mine will never find another man like me. I am one of a kind. I should have been stronger then, but I am now.

 

Plt, you shouldn't have accepted that treatment.

 

Sorano, yours just sucks. Any woman would have loved that.

 

keiji, don't be too harsh on her, lol

 

Ps, one thing that helped me, an angry man, was having an AWESOME life on social media. Small town girl and a previous ex both started reaching out after about a month of how great life is. They do stalk it, they obviously want us to move on, so give it to them. This clicked for me after reading one enlightened dumpee here on Ls. My wall is filled with music, travel, plans, friends, and fun times. Believe me, they will hate it.

 

.02c

Edited February 25, 2017 by Bromeo

[keiji]

Keiji,

 

We have much in common. It's 7am in Chicago, and I'm listening to Edm myself. I took up falconry, sommelier training, and novel writing. It's the man part of me, but I refuse to be average about anything. College, work, anything. I was semi pro mma for awhile, was considering a pro contract, etc.

 

I've lived a crazy life, traveled, got accepted into a top college, killed it there, and have a career people watch on tv.

 

The running joke, after scores of beautiful women, including a Bavarian duchess, is that a small town girl got to me. Guess karma holds hands with irony, no?

 

 

This is the good part of being dumped: self-examination and the realization that you deserve much, much more. I replayed my life for months and damn, it's been great. The biggest music site in the world hired me as a writer when it's not even in my native language, I've translated philosophers, historians, politicians and best-seller writers for years and I'm usually the first choice for publishing houses, I have my own place, a great cat, an awesome record and book collection, a vineyard, wonderful family and friends, I've been with beautiful women and many of them have fallen head over heels for me. And I hadn't even realized until someone made me fall on my face and started kicking me to make sure her ego reached acceptable levels. This has to be a turning point for all of us.

[Bromeo]

Indeed it has. I have found that through no fault of my own, I have not grown in relationships at the same pace as the rest of my life. I've just been focused on succeeding and my own goals.

 

It took my exwife leaving to stimulate a period of painful growth for the last couple years.

 

There is some amazing advice here, if you can look past the emotions. I wish I has listened.

 

One thing that has taken a fair amount of analysis, is that each woman is unique. If you want them back, look at how they responded to stress during the RS. Nc may succeed with one, where another may require a different response.

 

To wit, my ex wife responded to an email campaign, whereas small town girl only reached out after I removed my attention completely.

 

Gents, journal it out here. I appreciate an older crowd. I'll never see mine at school, we won't be liking each other's posts, and I won't engineer a scenario to encounter her at the library.

 

Tonight I'll be accompanying some work colleagues to a Latin club. Should be an amazing time. Monday I'm off to Tampa for work. Following week D.C. for a meeting.

 

Fill up your time, be angry, journal, and let the emotions slowly drain out.

[PLT]

I have some items of furniture that she gave me, and a few other small bits and pieces that I just don't want anymore because they remind me of her.

 

So, I took a risk and emailed her about them. I didn't mention the relationship at all. Just said I'm having a clear out and wanted to give her the opportunity to say whether she wanted them before I threw them away. If I haven't heard from her in a week I will chuck them.

 

I eagerly await the police turning up at my door again knowing her. It seems impossible to deal with these things sensibly and without drama. I could have just thrown them out anyway but guess I'm just trying to rise above it and do the right thing.

[Bromeo]

That's the exact sentiment I had.

 

Mine didn't have to break in, I'd have let her have her things.

 

She didn't have to play games, be unclear, and cause so much hurt. For months.

 

I, on the other hand, had to cut her off. I couldn't do it anymore.

 

They simply don't care.

 

Be safe.

[whatdeww18]

I have some items of furniture that she gave me, and a few other small bits and pieces that I just don't want anymore because they remind me of her.

 

So, I took a risk and emailed her about them. I didn't mention the relationship at all. Just said I'm having a clear out and wanted to give her the opportunity to say whether she wanted them before I threw them away. If I haven't heard from her in a week I will chuck them.

 

I eagerly await the police turning up at my door again knowing her. It seems impossible to deal with these things sensibly and without drama. I could have just thrown them out anyway but guess I'm just trying to rise above it and do the right thing.

 

It seems you have received advice from great posters (you've got advice from some of my favorites haha), and you are on your way to recovering. I understand you coming to the thread to vent/let out feelings/update. Is there anything else that you are looking for at the moment?

 

I wholeheartedly understand you trying to be an adult and asking if she wanted her furniture (it's expensive). However, you're even more expensive. You're a great person who has aspirations, I assume a kind heart, driven, and willing to introspect to become a better person for your significant other. Yet, she has taken it upon herself to call the police on you for the simple act of contacting her? You need to understand how expensive you are (1,000,000,000... add as many zero's as you'd like). She took throwing you to the curb to the extreme, all of your worth tossed aside. You do not need to bat an eye towards her direction and you should have thrown it all out.

 

Witnessed by Bromeo's post, nothing good will come out of it when they start by playing games/being hostile. Trying to act like the bigger person, being nice, trying to just be friendly with an ex, is fruitless. Like Bromeo said as well, they don't care and want nothing to do with you right now.

 

I will assume you still miss her. You've also stated you're not completely healed. COMPLETELY OKAY! No rush there. Seriously, if you have a moment in the car where you need to cry, just pull over and cry. No point in bottling feelings, it'll explode later. From this, it sounds like most of the motivation to message your ex about the furniture was to be a nice guy. I think there was also a hint of you caving from no contact/missing her/seeing if she is any less hostile/opening lines of communication. I would be lying to myself if I didn't say that to you. Would also be lying to myself if I didn't say that I think the majority of the reason for you reaching out was the latter.

 

Just to support that, you are emotionally stuck, thinking about suicide (not doing it), and still not over her.

 

It's interesting to see, how just about every dumpee, labels their ex with some problems. Would also like to point out that doing so seems very crucial to healing, to help move on from this person. I wouldn't dwell on it as a way to move on for many reasons. Essentially, you are using pain to run away from this person. The sight of her or a picture will probably stir up all the emotions you have been covering and bottling up. Even if your ex has some personality disorder or is just straight up a terrible person, I think it will still hold true. It kind of reminds me of a trauma scene. You don't return to a trauma scene because the pain and memories come back and debilitate you.

 

I would say the last trick in the book for being emotionally stuck, is appreciating what you had. You fell in love with this person. I don't think you can deny that, even with all the negative things you said about your ex. However, this is where you subside the thought of driving her away with pain and using your love for her to let her go. It's not like some scene in a movie where you're all dreamy and doing what's best for her. Nope. Far from it. It's heart breaking to do. It's letting the person you loved, your best friend, go on to live life and learn. You will do the same. Both of you will find happiness again, but you have to let it come. There's no real timeline when this happens and it's not like it happens in one go. There will be days where you feel like you let go, and the next week, you haven't. Get there slowly, life's not a race. It's a marathon where you take it at your pace and enjoy all it has to offer.

 

Sorry for such a long post. But there was a lot I felt like I wanted to address to you. Keep moving forward and coming here to vent. It sounds like this is the best place for you to get your thoughts and inner feelings out. Also, stay in no contact. You will save yourself so much pain to come ahead. If she replies, simple plans to pick up and get things away. That's it. "Hello x, here are your things. Wish you the best."

 

I apologize ahead of time if I hit a nerve or anything! Really just hoping to give you another perspective and help your healing journey

 

Wishing you the best and plenty of happiness!

-WhatDEWWWWW

Edited February 25, 2017 by whatdeww18

[PLT]

Hi Whatdeww,

 

Thanks so much for taking the time to write all that out. There is a lot to think on in there.

 

I am indeed having a clear out, and I didn't want to just throw away stuff that she may want. I've spent weeks wondering whether to try and contact her about it, was it too soon and so on. But I need these things gone to be able to take another baby step forwards.

 

If she responds then maybe, just maybe lines of communication will open again. If nothing else, I would like to have the opportunity to see her one last time. I'm not really sure why. Perhaps its because we never broke up face to face. The last time I saw her things were ok, then the following day she started her usual games, and then disappeared, as is her favourite game, only this time I disappeared too. She only told me "We're over" 6 weeks later, and it was via text. I really have no idea what happened, and to be honest feel like she used me over the summer, and then took the cowards way out.

 

If she doesn't respond or the police end up on my door again, I will know that she is still hostile even after all this time. Although I have no idea why she is hostile in the first place. She's got what she wanted. She hurt me very much, and I have disappeared from her life. That's what she wanted. But these things are in my flat, remind me of her daily and I want them gone one way or the other, and sooner rather than later. The email is very matter of fact, shows no anger or resentment, (in fact I sign off saying "No hard feelings, and best wishes"), does not mention anything about the relationship or the break up, and only asks a simple question to tie up a loose end.

 

If she is not able to act like an adult regarding this, then that says it all. After all, it only needs an email/text/call saying "No I don't want them", or "Yes I would like them." Really not a big deal.

 

I suppose what I want, apart from the furniture gone, is some closure on the whole sorry episode. I know that comes from within. I think that by sending the email, I have shown that I would not be hostile towards her, so that if she is having second thoughts about it all, then she now has the perfect opportunity to approach me. If she doesn't take it, then I know that she is still happy being without me, and it really was all a big lie.

 

For me the ideal scenario would be that she responds saying she wants the stuff back, we arrange to meet halfway, we are not hostile or nasty to each other, we wish each other well, and we part on better terms.

 

Partly I just don't want things to end on such a sour note. It has devalued the entire relationship which makes me so sad. I know it shouldn't matter but it does. Massively.

[Bromeo]

Plt,

 

You didn't devalue your relationship, but she sure did and is continuing to. I understand completely that you are a very nice guy, for all my bravado, I am a sap too, particularly for my ex.

 

As a very wise man explained to me, I had done everything nice, poetry, cards, gifts, flowers, songs, and emails. Nothing even made a dent. I am no longer under any responsibility to be kind, and neither are you.

 

When mine ghosted me after breaking in to retrieve her things, I took the first load of her remaining junk to her at her work. She cussed, threw a fit, told me I looked like I'd lost weight, and was confused and acting out.

 

After that her residual junk went straight to the dumpster.

 

If I may, you are still looking for a response, to understand, and for closure. I understand, this is what prompted me to act in a most lovesick and irrational way.

 

As your self confidence comes up, your tolerance for her nonsense will go down. And then you will not care either way.

 

For example, mine will never meet another man like me ever. Usually I would delineate my accolades, but you get the picture. Not in small town Indiana, not online, not ever again. therefore I am confident in myself to say screw her and her immature games. She will compare future men to me, of that I am sure. I will not compare women to her.

 

A picture of her stuff, sitting outside your locked place, with a text saying, " it's here for a week. At the end of the week it will then be transported to the dumpster for disposal". End of text.

 

This shows self respect, no tolerance for additional games, etc.

 

I had to do the exact same. Clear communication and decisiveness utterly eliminates confusion, wondering, and heartache. I outlined the things she did to hurt me, told her she didn't deserve me, and not to contact me again. Blocking occurred shortly thereafter. Manliest thing I'd done in months. I'd recommend you do the same.

 

She must be feeling it, she started deleting our uploaded pictures last week. I could care less.

 

You got to stand up, let them miss you if it's going to happen, and act with purpose. Stay angry.

 

What dew is very sweet, and is giving you the same advice, only from the other point of view.

[PLT]

What a fool. I should have just dumped her stuff. She's had plenty of time to request it back if she wanted it. Too late though, I just had to go and stab the fork in my eye once again, just to make sure it still hurt.

 

Best case scenario now is that she ignores the email. I told her in the email that I'd leave it for a week or so and if I hadn't heard from her I'd assume she doesn't want any of it and I'd dispose of it.

 

Now I'm waiting for a knock on the door. All because I wanted to do the adult, responsible thing to do.

 

As the kids say these days, FML.

[whatdeww18]

What a fool. I should have just dumped her stuff. She's had plenty of time to request it back if she wanted it. Too late though, I just had to go and stab the fork in my eye once again, just to make sure it still hurt.

 

Best case scenario now is that she ignores the email. I told her in the email that I'd leave it for a week or so and if I hadn't heard from her I'd assume she doesn't want any of it and I'd dispose of it.

 

Now I'm waiting for a knock on the door. All because I wanted to do the adult, responsible thing to do.

 

As the kids say these days, FML.

 

Re-read Bromeo's post anytime you feel like you need that umph in your day! I like it a lot haha

 

You're not a fool. You'd be a fool if you kept contacting her and did not learn anything from all this. I'd say you're winning now as you have learned/are learning from all this.

 

Hahaha don't say FML. Use the other things kids say, YOLO: You Only Live Once. Keep your head high and do your best to enjoy each day

[Bromeo]

What a fool. I should have just dumped her stuff. She's had plenty of time to request it back if she wanted it. Too late though, I just had to go and stab the fork in my eye once again, just to make sure it still hurt.

 

Best case scenario now is that she ignores the email. I told her in the email that I'd leave it for a week or so and if I hadn't heard from her I'd assume she doesn't want any of it and I'd dispose of it.

 

Now I'm waiting for a knock on the door. All because I wanted to do the adult, responsible thing to do.

 

As the kids say these days, FML.

 

Naw, don't be like that. You were being kind, hoping she'd be an adult, seeing if there was anything left, etc.

 

There was nothing wrong with any of that. But, and let this sink in, you are only causing further hurt if you reach out again.

 

Take her junk to the dump. Seeing it only causes bad memories to bubble up. I had to do the same.

 

You still care about yours, and I mine, but be confident that they know that, and are actively choosing a life without us. I'm at the point where I am fine with that.

 

My exs priveleges into my life have been revoked. She's blocked on FB, and knows it.

 

We continue to reminisce, which causes pain, guilt, and longing. Engage in some novelty. Move to a new location, take up new hobbies, etc. this causes the brain to fire in new ways, and assists the moving on process.

 

I, along with everyone I know, are sure I will hear from mine again. But as the other posters say, enough time has passed that I won't want her back after everything. You will get there as well.

 

Just give it time, stay frosty remembering bad memories, and fill up your time.

 

Dave

[keiji]

The fact that you offered her to get that stuff back says a lot about your kindness, but you need to be kind to yourself, not her. She's shown again and again that she doesn't deserve consideration. You've told her you'd wait a week, and it's good that you keep your word, but as soon as you wake up on day 8 give that stuff away to someone who may need it or take it to the dump (I'd rather smash it to pieces, but that's my bad temper talking). I found lots of clothes and stuff from my ex-g at my place. I put everything in a bag in case she asked for it once the dust settled, which I was secretly hoping to happen I guess. Of course, it didn't. Then I discovered she wasn't the person I thought she was. Thirty seconds later me and the bag were on our way to the bin.

 

Opening a line of communication in this case is good from an ethical point of view, but enormously dangerous for your peace of mind. I truly hope she doesn't answer and those pieces of furniture are burning by Friday. After all, she doesn't need to show any more signs that she's not worth it.

Edited February 27, 2017 by keiji

[Bromeo]

The fact that you offered her to get that stuff back says a lot about your kindness, but you need to be kind to yourself, not her. She's shown again and again that she doesn't deserve consideration. You've told her you'd wait a week, and it's good that you keep your word, but as soon as you wake up on day 8 give that stuff away to someone who may need it or take it to the dump (I'd rather smash it to pieces, but that's my bad temper talking). I found lots of clothes and stuff from my ex-g at my place. I put everything in a bag in case she asked for it once the dust settled, which I was secretly hoping to happen I guess. Of course, it didn't. Then I discovered she wasn't the person I thought she was. Thirty seconds later me and the bag were on our way to the bin.

 

Opening a line of communication in this case is good from an ethical point of view, but enormously dangerous for your peace of mind. I truly hope she doesn't answer and those pieces of furniture are burning by Friday. After all, she doesn't need to show any more signs that she's not worth it.

 

Well put. I'll only add that while chasing, I accepted an enormous amount of disrespect due to my wanting of my ex back.

 

The question to ask, is that if this person was not your former love, would you tolerate what you are receiving now?

 

In my case, a month ago, after months and months, I finally had my fill of the 4am memes and quotes, ignoring, and distracting crap. I worked myself into a nice fit, calmly stated my grievances, and left it at that.

 

To wit, let this outreach cement for you that this person is not the same as she was during your time together. You have repeteadly shown kindness, and have been met with disdain.

 

What matters is you. Leave her be, heal up, and find yourself again. It took me a very long time to accept being discarded and replaced by a mope, but I got there.

 

Be safe, and keep journaling.

 

Dave

[PLT]

Thank you all.

 

It has been pointed out to me that we broke up almost exactly a year ago when she ghosted me, although we briefly got back together over the summer it was short lived, as none of the issues were addressed. It's hard to believe that it has been a year.

 

I sent the email on Saturday. This Saturday I wish I could be having a bonfire, but unfortunately I don't have a garden so the dump will have to do. I will enjoy smashing the chest of drawers up though. Maybe I should donate it to my local furniture project instead. I'll see.

 

To be honest I think I'm still getting used to a life without all the drama. I think I liked it? I mean obviously I didn't bloody like it, it was horrible, but it seems that I miss it. My life feels boring, even though it's not really. I volunteer 2 days a week. I have my ongoing studying. I'm job hunting. I'm going speed dating tomorrow night. I'm going for lunch with a meetup group on Saturday. I am filling up my time as best as I can (and can afford), yet I'm bored a lot of the time.

 

I don't really like being single. I miss having someone there, to cuddle up to, to wake up next to, to make a cooked breakfast for, to go on romantic walks with, to go to the cinema or theatre with. You get the drift. Things we all miss when we're single I suppose.

 

And yet, the thought of another relationship fills me with dread. I look at women and find very few attractive. Physical attraction is very important to me. I know some may disagree but I can't change that. I know that personality is equally as important, and that's where my ex fell down. It just seems that the chances of finding someone that I fancy the pants off, and also has a compatible personality to me is so slim as to be almost fruitless looking for. I guess I'm comparing all my thoughts to the early days with my ex when every day was amazing. I felt alive. Now I just kinda feel dead inside. I thought that time passing would change that, and perhaps it is but my word it's slow going.

 

If I'm brutally honest, sex is really important to me too, and not having any for 6 months is taking it's toll. My sex drive has dropped through the floor, but I also yearn for some intimacy.

 

All these internal battles are wearing me out.

[keiji]

To wit, let this outreach cement for you that this person is not the same as she was during your time together.

 

I've come to the conclusion that they were like that all along. Maybe you've noticed that "it feels like she/he's not the person I used to know" is one of the most recurrent comments whenever a relationship ends. Are we simply hurting and we perceive every one of their gestures as a betrayal or as something incredibly important that we would normally ignore or consider ordinary?

 

I truly think that some people put on a show, they adapt to the circumstances at hand (which is basically a form of lying) and project an image to suit your "requirements". I'm culturally-oriented, so to speak. I work in the literature field, I'm a music fanatic, I go to museums, buy art books, etc, etc. Sometimes she would come to my place and I was playing some difficult record, free-jazz, Stockhausen or a bunch of nuts skronking away for an hour, whatever, and when I told her I'd play something more palatable, she'd go, "oh no, it's fine". No, it wasn't. She never opened any of the books I gave her and the fact that I paint and draw didn't sit well with her, but she pretended to like art. When the relationship ended, I realized it was all a pose to please me. When I saw her Instagram pictures I couldn't believe how much her life had changed. Had she gone from being a deep, thoughtful, art-loving person to a 30-year old that seems to live an eternal Erasmus? She knew I'm very weary of people who desperately cling to whoever crosses paths with them because they're afraid of being alone (single), so she sold herself as a very picky girl who never liked anyone, but in what I assume is a very, very rare exception, a month after the breakup she was in a relationship with a balding 23-year old with more hair on his arms than f***ng Chewbacca whom she said she didn't have anything in common with.

 

I think it's a bit harder to accept this than the possibility that they've changed overnight, but my experience tells me so.

[keiji]

To be honest I think I'm still getting used to a life without all the drama. I think I liked it? I mean obviously I didn't bloody like it, it was horrible, but it seems that I miss it. My life feels boring, even though it's not really. I volunteer 2 days a week. I have my ongoing studying. I'm job hunting. I'm going speed dating tomorrow night. I'm going for lunch with a meetup group on Saturday. I am filling up my time as best as I can (and can afford), yet I'm bored a lot of the time.

 

Once I asked my therapist how come didn't I just forget a girl I had a toxic relationship with, how was it possible that I missed her and what we had, which was terrible any way you looked at it, to which she gave me a very simple but logical answer: "Positive feelings make you feel alive, but so do the negative ones". I myself feel a bit uneasy when everything's running smoothly, with no bumps along the way. Shouldn't it be something to treasure, though?

 

 

I don't really like being single. I miss having someone there, to cuddle up to, to wake up next to, to make a cooked breakfast for, to go on romantic walks with, to go to the cinema or theatre with. You get the drift. Things we all miss when we're single I suppose.

 

Well, I don't miss them to be honest. Perhaps I've become too cynical, but I can live without it at least for now. If I think about the price I've paid in my latest relationships and the amount of affection I got in exchange, frankly, I lose.

[Bromeo]

Keiji has a point, and is the second person I've heard say as much recently.

 

A friend of mine, who I have mentions mentioned many times here went through a similar breakup as mine a decade ago. He repeatedly tells me he misses the passion and fire of it, even though he knew it was toxic. He very recently received closure after a decade of holding onto the feelings and guilt of the breakup.

 

Anyone can live life like a log, never living and loving to the fullest.

 

I miss mine for the same reasons.

 

Plt, you must look internally for closure, confidence, and validation. This is what makes you centered and attractive to the opposite sex. All of your plans sound excellent. Hell, I had to request a transfer, sell my house, and plan to move 900 miles away to get closure from my mess.

 

We journal here to let the pressure out. It's like a steam release valve. Keep at it.

[sorano]

Thank you all.

 

It has been pointed out to me that we broke up almost exactly a year ago when she ghosted me, although we briefly got back together over the summer it was short lived, as none of the issues were addressed. It's hard to believe that it has been a year.

 

I sent the email on Saturday. This Saturday I wish I could be having a bonfire, but unfortunately I don't have a garden so the dump will have to do. I will enjoy smashing the chest of drawers up though. Maybe I should donate it to my local furniture project instead. I'll see.

 

To be honest I think I'm still getting used to a life without all the drama. I think I liked it? I mean obviously I didn't bloody like it, it was horrible, but it seems that I miss it. My life feels boring, even though it's not really. I volunteer 2 days a week. I have my ongoing studying. I'm job hunting. I'm going speed dating tomorrow night. I'm going for lunch with a meetup group on Saturday. I am filling up my time as best as I can (and can afford), yet I'm bored a lot of the time.

 

I don't really like being single. I miss having someone there, to cuddle up to, to wake up next to, to make a cooked breakfast for, to go on romantic walks with, to go to the cinema or theatre with. You get the drift. Things we all miss when we're single I suppose.

 

And yet, the thought of another relationship fills me with dread. I look at women and find very few attractive. Physical attraction is very important to me. I know some may disagree but I can't change that. I know that personality is equally as important, and that's where my ex fell down. It just seems that the chances of finding someone that I fancy the pants off, and also has a compatible personality to me is so slim as to be almost fruitless looking for. I guess I'm comparing all my thoughts to the early days with my ex when every day was amazing. I felt alive. Now I just kinda feel dead inside. I thought that time passing would change that, and perhaps it is but my word it's slow going.

 

If I'm brutally honest, sex is really important to me too, and not having any for 6 months is taking it's toll. My sex drive has dropped through the floor, but I also yearn for some intimacy.

 

All these internal battles are wearing me out.

 

Its amazing how stress and sadness can shut down a person's sex drive. If your happy, more social, sex drive increases without any influence on taking testosterone boosters.

 

Now stress, increases cortisol. This hormone, can destroy you inside out. Its a nasty hormone released by the body under stress. From depression, to muscle loss. Lots of the body building supplements I take have cortisol blockers in them. But IMO when someone is under a lot of stress, one should take supplements to decrease this hormone. It can also lead to decreased sex drive.

 

Right now bc nothing is going right, I take my supplements with cortisol blockers and I also take otc test boosters. No, they dont make you gain muscles like steroids, but, in older men, certain herbs can elevate test levels back to normal and make you feel better. Totally safe and will not shut you down. Test booster, multi vitamin, cortisol blocker, better diet, will help us all during stress and bounce your sex drive back up.

 

Now if you have access to good doctors who check levels and prescribe you testosterone injections or HCG, your partner will throw you out of bed bc you will just keep going and going. Like your 18 again.

[sorano]

Btw, this thread is awesome. If we were closer, round of beer on me!! lol.

 

Hang in there boys. Im sure it will get better.

[PLT]

Nice to see you in here Sorano

 

Well my recent down seems to be coming to an end now. This morning, while not jumping for joy, I certainly feel less down. This morning I have the attitude of "whatever the reason or wherever the blame lies, it is what it is. These are the cards I have been dealt. How am I going to deal with that?"

 

I think having it pointed out to me that it was almost exactly a year ago that she ghosted, and then thinking "Damn, I've been stuck on this woman, who has shown me nothing but contempt, for a year now. The last year has been a total write off. Do I want to be looking back in another year feeling the same way?" No. In another years time I want to be able to look back and say, at the very least, that 2017 was better than 2016 in terms of progress post ex.

 

I'm going speed dating tonight. I'm not very excited about it to be honest but I'm forcing myself to go as I know that once I'm there, it'll enjoy it. Last time all but one of the women was 9 or 10 years older than me so tonight I'm going to one that's a younger range. I'm right on the cusp of the 2 age ranges so I'll probably be the oldest there tonight haha.

 

I am determined for it not to be like last time though, where I think everyone pretty much answered the same questions 15 times. Where have you come from? What do you do? First time speed dating? and then if there's time, hobbies? One lady actually sat back, clasped her hands, and said "So tell me a bit about yourself". It was like being in a job interview! I did think at the time "Does she work in HR?"

 

Some questions I have in mind for more interesting conversation...

 

"If you could have dinner with anyone, past or present, who would it be?

"If you could go to a gig to see any band in any country, where would it be and who would you go and see?"

"What are you passionate about?"

"Favourite comedy TV show?"

"If you were able to know the truth about one of life's big mysteries, would you want to know, or rather keep it a mystery?"

[Bromeo]

Try these, they have worked well for me,

 

"What is your preference for wine?" I lead into my wine training.

 

"Have you been on any award winning bad dates?" I tell a chart topping one.

 

"If you were not in this career field, what would your dream job be?"

 

"What is the last book you read that knocked your socks off?" This one works well because I lead into one called "Whose been sleeping in your head", a phd thesis on the topic of fantasy architecture, and "A history of vice in America", a short work on how alcohol, prostitution, and drugs shapes American culture.

 

You have a ton to offer, and the biggest thing is the ladies are just as nervous as you are. Lol

 

Sorano, being a former bb myself, your otc recommendations are spot on. I usually roll with tt, zma, a solid multi, and liberal amounts of fish oil during test boosting phases. Can you recommend a solid otc cortisol blocker? They dry me out nicely.

 

Due to work, I can't gear up anymore, but damn do I miss it. Lol

[PLT]

Cheers for those. I'm trying to keep a nice selection in my head so I'm not just asking the same thing 15 times.

 

I would like to weave in about my area of expertise or passion, but they are both quite niche, and I don't want to go in with questions that might intimidate or alienate. My "interesting" area of expertise is murder investigation, and my main passion is science / astronomy. Trying to weave those into questions isn't easy. Ironically, the "What do you do?" does lead into that but I really want to avoid asking that question, as 14 other blokes will be asking the same thing and I want to stand out/stick in the mind after all.

 

I like the gig one as it gives you 2 bits of info. Their music taste and where they'd like to travel. I like the passion one too as it is really open and could lead to all sorts of interesting things to get more in depth about afterwards or on a proper date.

 

I like your book one, but the only books I've read for 2 years is study books which probably aren't interesting at all to anyone but me haha.

 

As the day is passing, I would say I'm positively pessimistic about it. I don't want to get my hopes up and end up disappointed, but I do want to go there being positive and confident, so I'm kinda viewing it as almost just an exercise to practice positivity and confidence, and in conversations involving subjects other than what I have done wrong this time. lol

[Cookies101]

"What is the last book you read that knocked your socks off?"

 

Err, me thinks this one is essential to test whether they actually have any literacy skills, or some culture.. Obviously you didn't ask this with your last girl Bromeo?!