A place for me to write

[airborne3502]

I'm going on for six weeks on five hours sleep a night.

 

With early waking during to that subconcious dread.

 

I finally got over this. No nightmares fortunately.

 

My nightmare was like everyone else's here. The awful reality of someone we loved being gone.

 

I too wouldn't get much sleep, and then I'd enjoy about thirty seconds of peace when I woke - then it would hit me.

 

However, something amazing happened yesterday.

 

My best friend called and the conversation was all about him and his Disney trip with his family. He had to ask about my ex, and all I had to say was that it's a shame. I'm experiencing a wonderful, remote, detachment from the breakup and it feels really good.

 

Seconds used to feel like minutes, and minutes like hours as I tried to distance myself from what happened. The "what ifs", and "could have beens" were like broken glass in my brain.

 

I felt pretty good a few days back, but I checked her social media. I'm not going to do that again!

 

Her life is no longer a concern of mine.

[newheart]

Two months since Superbowl Sunday, amidst our last 'coupled' weekend when things started to get iffy (though I hadn't seen him since 2/1) ... hadn't thought about how long it has been in a while. Progress.

 

Today I was driving and feeling very lighthearted. Well, stressed about work because I work in a stressful job (but I suppose every job has their own type of stress), yet like things were ... easier. Life was easier. There was no juggling plans to accommodate him, no feeling bad because I work long days or have things to do with the kids. Of course I miss him ... I had a crazy thing happen at work yesterday, which was the type of thing I would have wanted to text him about immediately. It wasn't painful at all though, and it passed.

 

I also realized that the person I truly loved was the pre-October ex boyfriend ... I may not have allowed myself to be 100% vulnerable again after he showed me his true avoidant colors. When he shut down on me over the smallest thing, over the first argument ever in 11.75 months, I never really recovered from that. So I was operating cautiously, not at my full ability to love him, November - February. And perhaps that step down has made this a little easier. It is hard though, to think of who he was, who we were, last Winter - Summer, and what happened to that.

 

I think I really need this reprieve from a relationship ... I seemed to have lost myself for a bit there, I put everything into pleasing him, and not nearly enough effort into what makes me happy. I think I need to understand my part in how and why that happened, to ensure it doesn't happen again, should I ever find myself interested in someone with those depth of feelings again. I can't imagine how I will trust someone again though ... it is like every relationship that ends, while it has good, chips away at my ability to allow myself to be my true, open to love, vulnerable self. This time I was determined to put myself out there, and I don't regret it ... but I don't really know if I can deal with the pain again, either.

[airborne3502]

I also realized that the person I truly loved was the pre-October ex boyfriend ... I may not have allowed myself to be 100% vulnerable again after he showed me his true avoidant colors. When he shut down on me over the smallest thing, over the first argument ever in 11.75 months, I never really recovered from that. So I was operating cautiously, not at my full ability to love him, November - February. And perhaps that step down has made this a little easier. It is hard though, to think of who he was, who we were, last Winter - Summer, and what happened to that.

 

 

A woman wrote this on a dating site, and I thought it was profound.

 

 

"Some people are good at being in love. Some people are good at love. Two very different things. Being in love is the romantic part -the jokes- the laughs- long conversations with no pauses- just the best of both people. I think love begins when the excitement of being in love starts to fade... the stress of life sets in, the butterflies disappear, the arguments, the sadness and tears...The worst parts of both people. But if you still want that person by your side through all of those things...that's when you know you're good at love. "

 

I can't imagine how I will trust someone again though ... it is like every relationship that ends, while it has good, chips away at my ability to allow myself to be my true, open to love, vulnerable self. This time I was determined to put myself out there, and I don't regret it ... but I don't really know if I can deal with the pain again, either.

 

 

I can certainly relate to the above. I mean, every time we go all in, and our chips get swept off the table, it changes us a bit. We aren't the same person we were just one relationship ago. We may not think we have baggage, but we have suffered and will put up barriers to keep ourselves intact.

 

(Thanks Rush, I stole that last bit from the song "Limelight.")

[newheart]

A woman wrote this on a dating site, and I thought it was profound.

 

 

"Some people are good at being in love. Some people are good at love. Two very different things. Being in love is the romantic part -the jokes- the laughs- long conversations with no pauses- just the best of both people. I think love begins when the excitement of being in love starts to fade... the stress of life sets in, the butterflies disappear, the arguments, the sadness and tears...The worst parts of both people. But if you still want that person by your side through all of those things...that's when you know you're good at love. "

 

I have actually thought about this often, but this woman said it much better than I. (And side note - she put that on a dating site? I am not sure if she is awesome, has complete faith and self esteem, or is crazy to put such raw emotions out there - either way, beautiful) I really honestly see him in this message ... how when "in love" things were so wonderful, but then when the infatuation fades and real life intervenes (and dating a mom, which was new for him) and suddenly there is lacrosse games and band concerts and long stressful work days, and everything isn't rainbow and butterflies and I have a life other than "dating" him, it couldn't survive. I was talking about this tonight with a friend - her most recent relationship, she had someone who was fantastic to date, but horrible in a relationship.

 

I think he was great in love, not good at loving ... and the flip side, maybe I was not great 'in love' (because I was fearful) but good at the constant loving and acceptance, willing to do the work ... yet obviously, neither of us could make up for each other's shortcomings if we couldn't find a balance.

 

Made it through another week. Have a busy weekend planned, so I will be distracted through the two month anniversary of the end. Picking up my new vehicle tomorrow, and it has crossed my mind several times that it will be so weird that he doesn't know what I am driving, in case we see each other out or on the road. It makes me a little nervous, to be honest ... at least before, I knew we parked in the same exact area of our local supermarket lot - I knew where to look to scope out for his vehicles to ensure he wasn't there, and when I saw him - I kept going. When I would go in, I knew at least he'd see me in the parking lot and (hopefully) do the same thing, so I wouldn't awkwardly run into him. Now, he won't know that I am there. I don't know, I guess it is stupid, but grocery shopping still makes me nervous. I try to go near my office most of the time, but it would be silly to go far out of my way over a toll bridge on the weekends, 'just in case'. ?He did know the lease was ending soon, though ... if he paid attention.

[newheart]

I awoke at 5 am today. Dreams with 'him' in them have dwindled, and those where he is there are often just random cameos or appearances with no significant meaning, the type of dream that you can't recall now matter how hard you try after the fact. But today, I had a long, detailed, dream where I was content, things were just normal.

 

It was Thanksgiving day, which is a bit odd in April I suppose, but not so much considering it was both of our favorite holiday. In the dream, it was just us getting ready for the day, with my kids. We were cooking and hanging out, and the kids were there with us. At one point there was discussion of heading to the store for eggnog, which I love but he hates. And then there was discussion of our plans to move in together, and whose house we would live in or if we'd search for something else. It was all so ... just, normal. I can't explain it.

 

And I woke up and just thought, "Soooo, that is what it is supposed to be like ..." We never made it to that level, the integrated family or discussions of our future.

 

While I was saddened, I wasn't devastated. I am accepting, and I think he made a mistake, but it is what it is. I was more curious, why this dream, why now? And I lay there and went through it and realized that today is two months of no contact, two months since I wrote the last text I'll ever write him, the text that I have gone over in my head about again and again (words burned in my brain, lol) because I always think of new or different ways I could have said things - not to change the outcome, just so he'd understand. Understand what he gave up, understand that I am not a mind reader, understand that I deserved better, understand that when he said this was "October all over again" and it wasn't, wasn't at all, that I just never knew what the hell it was that he was talking about. And, I never will now. And I guess, if I am being perfectly honest, to put some blame on him, because I don't think he sees his part in this, although I suppose it doesn't matter.

 

He gave me a beautiful card last Easter (completely unexpected, particularly as he isn't a religious person) where he wrote about how he uses this time to think about his life, where it is going and where he wants to be, how fortunate he was to have me, looking forward to our relationship growing and the possibilities that lie ahead. I re-read it today, when I probably shouldn't have. I mean, I have been doing really well lately and I don't know why I felt compelled to pull it out (and others, but this one is where he really wrote a long, significant, sweet message).

 

I sniffled a bit, remembering him at this time last year, remembering how it felt to have love in my life and so much to look forward to together. And then, I put it away.

 

You know what though? I really don't have any regrets. Sure, I wasn't perfect, but I handled everything to the best of my ability, and I couldn't make myself into someone I wasn't, I couldn't be everything he needed me to be because I don't think he knows what that is himself. And that is okay, I am fortunate to have the times I had with him, fortunate to have finally experienced love, for the brief time I had it.

 

I hope this Easter, he uses this time again to think of his life, look at where he has been and where he is going. I hope he is happy, and I hope he thinks of his last year with me and smiles and remembers it with joy and love.

[airborne3502]

I had to drive to the ex's hometown yesterday to pick up a specialty item at a hardware store located a mile from her house, and two miles from her work.

 

It was rough as happy memories flooded in, followed by the present reality.

 

Then, something happened. The girl that works for me is a Facebook guru and took it upon herself to find me the answers I was looking for.

 

Prior to breakup weekend, my ex got her hair and nails done, along with new glasses. She suggested that I stay home ( I live three hours away) to save money for our Orlando vacation, and mutual birthday celebration.

 

She told me a friend had broken up with his live-in girlfriend, and that he needed a place to stay while she moved out.

 

I agreed to this.

 

She spends all weekend with this guy and texts me that we need to get out more, then takes him to a hockey game. She tried to cover up saying I'm so damn sexy she can't get anything done around me.

 

Whatever.

 

I texted "that's messed up" and all hell broke loose.

 

She got defensive, started crying, and I agreed to call her the next day at noon. I didn't want her crying her eyes out with that guy there. Our Orlando plans were still on at this point. The following day, she blew me off when I texted if it was OK to call. I asked if we could talk later and she replied "we can." Obviously, her friend was still hanging around.

 

I gave her all the space she needed, and she called that night to break up with me. No talking it out, no compromise, no communication - just done.

 

Turns out that "friend" was an ex boyfriend of hers who drove three hours to spend the weekend with her. My coworker's Facebook stalking confirmed this. I believe my ex got her hair and nails done for this guy, and wanted to check him out, and look her best. I believe she was happy with me, but there was history with this guy. I don't necessarily believe she went into that weekend looking to physically cheat. She had a decision to make. I absolutely believe her ex was a man on a mission to hit it.

 

He didn't drive three hours for a hockey game. I believe when I had my first fight with my ex, ole boy took his shot. He was as familiar to her as an old shirt, and she already lied about his reason for being there. My coworker found out that there was no live-in girlfriend, and that this guy had just one girlfriend in the past year. It was my ex girlfriend for about a month.

 

I believe she either slept with her ex, or fooled around to the point that there was simply no going back to me. I don't know if she necessarily saw a future with him, but I personally believe that her conscience wouldn't allow her to go on vacation with me like nothing happened.

 

I know my ex was into me. We had nothing but good times. She melted when I touched her. She sent me pictures and sexy texts that entire weekend. However, she had made the choice to spend some quality time with her ex instead of me. I'm guessing he dumped her in the past, and she never quite got over it.

 

My ex schemed in the most deceitful, conniving, and unexpected ways. It all culminated in a heartless dumping. I wouldn't want anyone capable of that level of treachery sleeping next to me while posing as my greatest ally.

 

My coworker even IM'd her ex on Facebook, (she's a cute 21 year old, so that part was easy) and got the impression that my ex didn't mean a whole lot to him. He'd recently had a dry spell, so I can see why he made the effort to get some. However, he made no effort to maintain their relationship last Fall when my ex moved away, even though he's fifty miles closer to her than I am.

 

Her ex isn't me. My ex-wife told me I'm the greatest man she's ever known. When you get that kind of an endorsement from an ex wife, you must be an all right guy. Meanwhile, my current ex has to live with the fact that she's a rotten person that royally screwed up a good thing, maybe the best thing, that ever happened to her.

 

Today, I got a friend request from a fake FB account, and I'm pretty sure it's her. I refused it.

 

I know a lot of people on here are pining for their exes, and hoping they return, but I for one don't ever want to see my ex again.

 

No regrets here either.

[newheart]

I know a lot of people on here are pining for their exes, and hoping they return, but I for one don't ever want to see my ex again.

 

No regrets here either.

 

Hey airborne,

 

I am so happy for you that you've come to this realization. It seems that she was plotting, as you said, and you deserve so much better. I know I hate when people say this, but there is truth to it: be grateful that you realized this about her now, before even more of your life was invested in her. Now, go start anew. <3

 

Newheart

[newheart]

Dear ex,

 

Happy Easter. A year ago, you gave me the most beautiful card, bouquet of flowers, and potted tulips which admittedly - I never planted outside and they died. I may have mentioned before, I am a fierce baker but a terrible gardener.

 

It embarrasses me to say, after over 2 months, the last three nights the dreams have returned. They ranged from us planning to move in together, to us getting notice that you had 24 hours to live, to us taking a road trip (while broken up) but not exactly reconciling. All bizarre.

 

I don't know why I am writing this. If I were truly going to give you a letter (and I am not), I don't even know what I'd write. I'd suppose I'd tell you how much I loved you, but that I knew deep in my heart we wouldn't recover after October, something had changed. I had seen the broken pieces of you in that month, it all came together as I understood how you coped (or failed to), what behavior you learned as you grew up. Still, I loved you in spite of this, maybe more understanding as I do what it is like growing up as we had. But I also recognized that the odds were against us, and though I fought for us, there had to be two of us in the fight. Who'd have thought that our second argument (which wasn't even an argument) ... our second, calmly stated difference of opinion about having dinner? would do us in.

 

Realistically, people who love each other don't break up for the reason we did, and I know that there was more to it - I know you referred to it, but I didn't ask what it was because at that point, you had given me less than I deserved that week so I wasn't going back to you anyway - and I don't even know what *it* was, which I guess will always bother me.

 

I wonder if when your nephews come over to visit, they ask where I am. I am sure they must have, every time you've done something with them the past year, we've done it together. I still have their playdoh we bought them in my garage. C's picture he drew me still hangs in my office. I wonder how the dogs are ... and if they miss me too. I wonder if you've taken them on long walks like we used to, this past week to enjoy the beautiful weather. I wonder how your parents and grandfather are doing ...

 

I knew it wouldn't last. Love like the love I had for you, with you, it just doesn't happen for me. Even you, as tight lipped as you are about intimate feelings, felt scared for the intensity of what you felt. Still, I feel like you will go on and find that again, and I want you to, I want you to be happy.

 

I don't think I will, I am not cut out for this, and that saddens me but it will be okay. There are things I am great at: my job, baking, playing tetris, and most importantly, raising my kids. I think my legacy will be the three children I've raised, and I will find my love and happiness in them.

 

xo

 

Me

[airborne3502]

I want you to be happy.

 

Screw that guy. The day you don't care if he's happy or sad is the day I pronounce you healed.

 

 

I don't think I will, I am not cut out for this

 

Don't you dare sell yourself short like that!

 

Just don't.

 

Not because of HIM.

 

I suck at Tetris, ( I've never seen the rocket ) , and I suck at baking, but I manage to do both.

 

It's gonna take a little time.

Time is sure to mend your broken heart.

Don't you even worry, pretty darlin'.

I know you'll find love again

 

Love Song - Tesla

[newheart]

Thank you, airborne. I actually read this a couple of times today. I didn't really think of this as selling myself short, I just figured it was a selfless love I felt that I was okay with this, wanting him to be happy. (Ironically, in my last text ever to him, I did tell him I sold myself short by constantly trying to please him despite not knowing what it was he wanted). Anyway, I am not sure it will be there for me again - and it isn't because he was so amazing, and I am sitting here crying, etc. etc ... it is just because it is so hard for me, and it took me forty years to feel this way, blah blah blah ... I keep saying the same things over and over again. I listened to the song tonight ... nothing like good old 80s music.

 

And thanks for making me laugh. You should brush up on those Tetris skills!

Edited June 5, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Deleted quote of entire previous post. ~JC

[BG1]

Hi Jenny,

It's been two months since you broke up with me. You know and I could see that you realised afterwards, all the harm and pain you have inflicted on me. I'm not ready to forgive yet, but after all, I feel sorry for you as there are a lot of things you need to sort out, probably the only way is to this is by yourself and looking inwards.

 

I did what it was in my part for the relationship, it's not my part to remind you how happy we were or convince you to be with someone you don't want anymore in your life.

I can't trust you anymore and I need to keep reminding myself that the sweet and tender girl I was in love was not there for me when I needed and even ignored my suffering when asking for support. It's just a matter of time but I'm getting to the position in which I don't see you in a pedestal anymore. I deserve better, and I want better. I could see a lot of potential in you but maybe that was me trying to help you when you didn't event want any help.

 

I'm saying this to you because of today it's been 2 months since you broke my heart. I think of you constantly, and I still miss you a lot. You are the person I loved the most in my life.

More than 3 months ago I started a journey of self-discovery that it's making me grow. I'm starting to see results and will become a better version of myself not needing to rebound or having to look for validations. I still care a lot about you, but I can't talk to you if I want to heal and be able to move on. A part of me is convinced that eventually, you will ask me to go back together in a few months, not that that's what I want.

 

It's so hard to break from the past, it's so hard to accept that you took a big part of me with you and I will never get it back. You were my everything and unfortunately, that may have been par of the problem. I will stand up again, taller, wiser and more confident, in the time being I'm like a wounded lion.

[newheart]

I openly wept in the beginning ... you know, that loud, choking on your tears sobbing. I haven't done so in quite some time, yet occasionally I find myself laying on a pillow that is damp, and I didn't know it was happening. Occasionally I will randomly remember a memory - what we were doing this time last year during our best time - and my eyes will tear a bit, silently, without me realizing it.

 

Late last summer or fall I saw a movie with my daughter, and I was crying intermittently (I cry at every movie anyway, but this was truly sad - the one where the baby washed up on an island of an infertile couple, ugh) and through those tears, I had this crazy joy because I watched the way the couple loved each other and thought, for the first time in my life, I have that. And I am not talking about the fakeness of "love" and how it is portrayed in the movies, but the love where they had each other's backs through a difficult situation, and how he looked at her ... and in the past, I would have thought that it was something only in the movies, or that it was something that wasn't meant for me, or that it was something I didn't deserve. And I'd wonder why. But that day, I sat there and thought .... no, I knew, that it existed, that it was real, that I deserved that, and that I had that.

 

In hindsight, it was fleeting, but in that moment, it was pure joy.

 

Sometimes I wonder if it really happened that way, if it was in my head. I know better than anyone, from my failed marriage, how things can just change. How you can think you have something one day, and the next morning it is gone.

[newheart]

I read a poem tonight (from a random link of Facebook which was guaranteed to make parents cry - not sure why I felt compelled to click! As if I need any assistance to cry! ) and it really was a tearjerker. It made me think about things that I never really considered, and how as a parent those things that you complain about become some of those very things you miss, and when they are gone you realize you never got to cherish "the last time."

 

And the poem, while about diapers and sleep deprivation, is not about a romantic relationship, I realized as well how so many bits of a relationship pass and when it, too, is over, you never knew it was the last time. (Well, perhaps in some relationships you do, but not in most). And I guess this applies to many types of 'relationships' ... family or friends you never get to say goodbye to, for instance. For many of us though, particularly those who are in romantic relationships with dismissive-avoidant people, people with emotional baggage they just can't overcome, people with addictions, people with mental health issues ... you often think things are great, and then one day it is done, and you are left with a handful of memories of the last time. The last time you kissed, made love, held hands, went to the grocery store together, sat with your thighs touching on the couch laughing at youtube videos, planned a night out, had a disagreement, cooked a meal together, received a text ... or even just the last time you heard their voice. And all of these small acts that independently just make up the course of your typical day, they suddenly take on this great of the last time, and you are left with an armful of last times and nothing more, wondering what you would have done differently had you only known it was the last time.

 

The Last Time - Anonymous

 

From the moment you hold your baby in your arms,

you will never be the same.

You might long for the person you were before,

When you have freedom and time,

And nothing in particular to worry about.

 

You will know tiredness like you never knew it before,

And days will run into days that are exactly the same,

Full of feedings and burping,

Nappy changes and crying,

Whining and fighting,

Naps or a lack of naps,

It might seem like a never-ending cycle.

 

But don’t forget …

There is a last time for everything.

There will come a time when you will feed

your baby for the very last time.

They will fall asleep on you after a long day

And it will be the last time you ever hold your sleeping child.

 

One day you will carry them on your hip then set them down,

And never pick them up that way again.

You will scrub their hair in the bath one night

And from that day on they will want to bathe alone.

They will hold your hand to cross the road,

Then never reach for it again.

They will creep into your room at midnight for cuddles,

And it will be the last night you ever wake to this.

 

One afternoon you will sing “the wheels on the bus”

and do all the actions,

Then never sing them that song again.

They will kiss you goodbye at the school gate,

The next day they will ask to walk to the gate alone.

You will read a final bedtime story and wipe your last dirty face.

They will run to you with arms raised for the very last time.

 

The thing is, you won’t even know it’s the last time

Until there are no more times.

And even then, it will take you a while to realize.

[newheart]

Figured it has been a while (good sign!) but that I would post an update.

 

Going on three months ... not only do I feel so much better about things, I actually see (and believe) that this was in my own best interest. I don't know how much longer I would have hung on trying to please him and juggle my life and our life separately, but it wasn't working. I feel free, a breath of fresh air.

 

I am thinking about dating again, but I don't want a serious relationship right now, so I am not sure how to casually date ... lol. I know that probably sounds funny, but even when I try to casually date I seem to end up in a relationship, so maybe I will hold off for now.

 

I realized this week I no longer worry about seeing him on the road, I don't keep an eye out for his car anymore. I drove past his road and all of our spots several times, and I am okay ... better than okay, even. When I think of our memories they are happy, but it isn't followed by any sadness or longing to return to it, they just are what they are: memories.

 

I think about the beginning and my desire to send an email and I cringe - thank goodness I did NOT do that! So thank you all for talking me off the email ledge, with special thanks to Zahara and Jenny and Airborne too (all of you, really).

 

I hate when people say, "Hang in there, it gets better!" but it really does ...

[1fish2fish]

Your update gives me hope, newheart.

 

Hope that one day I'll stop thinking about him all the time. And my relationship was nowhere as emotionally connected as yours!

 

I'm so happy you're feeling better!

 

I'm like you, though in that I don't do casual dating very well - they mostly turn into relationships. I need to change that.

[airborne3502]

I am very happy for you newheart!

 

Please update this journal so that those of us who have grown to care about you know how you are doing.

[newheart]

Thanks airborne!

 

So it has been ... oh, three months to the day of my birthday during the breakup! I am finally to the point that I don't sit and reminisce about what I was doing 3 months, 6 months, one year ago with him. Of course there is the occasional fleeting memory or thought, as I am sure there will be a long time to come, but they are far fewer in between. Tonight, I went to 'our' mutual supermarket (ah, the perks of small town living - not) without even a worry about bumping into him. I didn't even think to scour the parking lot to make sure he wasn't there.

 

I even went on a date last weekend, lol. He was a nice guy, funny, sweet, and we have a second date scheduled ... but just casual dating right now. I am not looking to enter a relationship anytime soon, and am enjoying having 'me' time again without constantly worrying about how I am fitting in another person, and I am not ready to give that up yet. It is truly a breath of fresh air, and it took this time and space away from him to see how difficult our relationship had been for me to juggle, and how (unfortunately) one sided.

 

Anyway, other than that work and kids are keeping me busy, and life is good!

[1fish2fish]

I am SOOO happy to read your update and that you're doing so well.

 

Wow. 3 months! I can't wait until I'm where you are. 3 1/2 weeks here, but I am doing better. And, more importantly, I feel so relieved.

 

Well done!

[newheart]

Update:

 

Dating not going so well for me, lol ... but I can laugh about it. There are a lot of scary people out there! That said, tonight I saw ex on the OLD site we met on. And you know what? It was okay. I am okay with that! That is huge for me, so just wanted to share!

[penelopeanne]

I think I really need this reprieve from a relationship ... I seemed to have lost myself for a bit there, I put everything into pleasing him, and not nearly enough effort into what makes me happy. I think I need to understand my part in how and why that happened, to ensure it doesn't happen again, should I ever find myself interested in someone with those depth of feelings again. I can't imagine how I will trust someone again though ... it is like every relationship that ends, while it has good, chips away at my ability to allow myself to be my true, open to love, vulnerable self. This time I was determined to put myself out there, and I don't regret it ... but I don't really know if I can deal with the pain again, either.

 

this is exactly what happened to me. it makes the journey even more intense once you realize but it is so necessary in healing.

[1fish2fish]

this is exactly what happened to me. it makes the journey even more intense once you realize but it is so necessary in healing.

 

Yep. Same here.

 

Seeking validation from such a loser is rather telling that I need to work on my self esteem.

[airborne3502]

Update:

 

Dating not going so well for me, lol ... but I can laugh about it. There are a lot of scary people out there! That said, tonight I saw ex on the OLD site we met on. And you know what? It was okay. I am okay with that! That is huge for me, so just wanted to share!

 

Thanks for checking in!

 

That's incredible news and I'm very, very, happy for you.

 

I'm liking the person I'm currently dating, and I owe you and the other posters here a debt of gratitude for helping me get through the pain.

[Chabela]

Hi Guys,

 

I've just read this entire thread and I have cried because I am feeling the same way.

 

Where you write him a letter, that really hit hard. Except for the part of you wanting him to be happy, I don't want my ex to be happy without me. And I think about all of the last times we did stuff like kiss, hold hands, have dinner, make love, go for a walk with his dog, etc. And it's killing me.

 

My story, he broke up with me three weeks today. We had been together for 14 months. At almost 6 months we took a week long break, I believe that he thought I was going to break up with him. We had just come back from vacation and I didn't see him for 2 days after and then he wanted a break. We got back together and everything was fine, I thought anyways. He built up a wall to protect himself. That was back in late Aug 16. In Oct I felt him pulling away and I became clingy. I was miserable. We spent our birthdays together in Nov and the the holidays. We went to his friend's house on New Year's Eve and had a great time the next day he didn't know what he wanted and we to a break for 3.5 weeks. He invited me to dinner a d said that he missed me so much was depressed during our separation and we got back together. All the while I walked on eggshells. 2 months later he said again that he didn't know what he wanted.

 

We were apart for a week, then we got back together. He said that he wanted to work on being in a relationship, subconsciously he has thoughts of me dying or leaving and he's scared. That was Apr 2nd. We decided to only see each other 2x a week. He went to a wedding with me and we enjoyed our time together, but I felt him pulling away. Then on May 3rd he told me that his feelings have changed we always do the same boring stuff. Physically we are awesome but he doesn't feel a mental connection with me. At first he said that we should do our own thing for a while.

 

He is 50yrs old never married, no kids, never lived with anyone and I'm the longest relationship he's had. He always gets dumped by other women (a friend of mine who grew up with him told me that).

 

His parents were both killed in an accident when he was 12yrs old and he has issues. I am so heartbroken.

 

I have to go right now, I will come back later. So sorry I am dabbling, pressed for time.

[Chabela]

Also I have to add, what I had with him was magically. I've never had such a connection with a man in my life not even with my ex husband. I thought I wasn't a kisser until I kissed this man. We were always making out. We were so affectionate with each other. I'm so afraid that at 50yrs old I will never find this passion again. The thought is unbearable!

[BG1]

How are you doing Newheart?