My ex contacted me a year into no contact, should return his call?

[Sweetfish]

You are spot on, that was my first thought after the call. It was a Saturday but still highly disrespectful. I could have had appointments, heck a new partner next to me or just needed the rest. He knows me well enough to know that I am a morning person and likely figured that catching me off guard when I'm most likely to be nice would be best. What matters though is what you mentioned and you're exactly right, it does speak to immense selfishness on his part. He apologized for calling so early right before I hung up but if he really hadn't intended to wake me up then he'd have called at a decent hour. I have my suspicions about why his calls come late at night or extremely early in the morning and they only serve as further evidence for why I should keep ignoring him.

 

That call was a sense of urgency. Something triggered him to go back to the very point of time of your break-up and It maybe possible he had a dream and it was his "awakening" to what he has done. It maybe possible the girl he ran to broke up with him and now he is feeling the pain. Now the break-up has hit him.

 

I agree with staying N.C. unless its worth your while... you spent months of pain and you have to respond to his urgency on the drop of a dime.

[bluefeather]

If he can't even leave a voicemail, you're not important enough to him.

[Goodguy05]

I think his learnt som big lessons like grass is not always greener etc and a mixture of guilt the way he cut it off be careful tho usually the contact cld be there lonely and haven't met anyone that met there expectations be careful to confuse love wth loneliness. It's up to u if u contact him as long as u feel confidant u hav moved on and won't get drawn in or down by the contact watever it turns out to be. Remember anyone who truly cares and loves u would move mountains. Three was a reason he broke up remember that and without knowing ur story u know best if u know wat i mean. If it didn't work he shld really respect u by not contacting u and not out of loneliness. Do u still love him? Would u want a relationship wth him or is the curiosity too much to bare? If ur prepared ask him wat he wants but u dont wanna ruin ur progress if u can handle wat he has to say and if u hav forgiven him I think it would take that level almost to feel indifferent about wat he has to say. He probably doesn't deserve it in my opinion but if u believe u will be indifferent regardless of way he has to say if u can't bear it then go ahead but be aware it may re open wounds. I remember my ex wife after chasing for mths she decides to contact m3 and work things out and then went hot n cold lol and basically ruined where I'd come to in the healing I'd let go but her contact rengaged me and took yrs to finally let go and ruined another relationship I'd started. If it was me trying to work it out and that person meant the world I would profess how wrong I was and wat I'd lost and do anything to have u back and bac it up wth action . Put him on the spot counselling lol anyway good luck I hope my post added to clarity and not detracted. The other thing to consider sometimes we think we'll be in different times to there contact and we end up judging it wrong. If u do own it and learn from it if it doesn't go ur way if u feel it'll add closure.

[Goodguy05]

Actually, after reading all the posts, I might have a solution around this or a workaround one to quell ur curiosity and another to keep som distance rather than talk. get him to right an email about wat he wants a full explanation since it's been a yr and then u can go from there again any contact wth an ex and the way he left u cruel in my opinion had the same happen to me btw, can cause ur wounds to reopen how long they remain open i dont know cld be a day or cld set u bac a few . U mentioned the mere sound of his voice brang it all back so clearly not healed yet be careful and be smart

[Goodguy05]

Haha lol me again btw I jus wanna say Ssun I hope it my next relationship or watever happens wth this one i fND a woman wth ur temp are many and commitmenticed. I like ur qualities how u disn't go rush into another relationship and how u worked on ureself and had a good hard look at wat went wrong and learnt fromantic it u wont hav any emotional baggage that's for sure that's to be admired

[SSun]

Thank you for this, you're right. I really should not be making excuses for his selfishness and disrespect. I think it really speaks to the role he must have thought he still had in my life. Only a really arrogant or presumptuous person would call someone they haven't spoken to in a year - who they've hurt - extremely early in the morning. That he thought our breakup would be top of mind points to some issues in his life, I think. I do deserve someone better, I'm a work in progress but a good person and if I cannot help people I make sure that I do not hurt them. Thank you to you, and all of the amazing posters here, for helping me remember what I deserve.

 

 

Hi there,

 

I wanted to chime in.

 

Nearly three years ago I got with my ex gf. She was my first LTR. She left me after just over a year. Her reasoning was to find a "Man of God".

 

She did this the day I returned from my grandmother's funeral. She was lying in my bed and told me "I love you, I missed you" and then she broke up with me. The entire weekend I was away at the funeral she went totally dark. I saw it coming.

 

We had planned a europe trip, paid for tickets and I had lined up my time off at work. Long story short, she left to europe with a guy nearly twice her age (40). And left me in a bad place.

 

 

Two months later she was back at my doorstep. The day after she returned from Europe. She said they went as friends. I told her to not bother me. But guess what? She didn't give a **** about my boundaries. She showed up at job, my parents house, my place, started leaving endless texts and voice mails. She called my friends, she begged me to talk to her.

 

Stupidity, after a month, I took her back. At the time I was a complete emotional wreck. During our time apart I maintained strick NC. Blocked her everywhere because I needed to heal.

 

Then a little over a year later, after I put up with her rage (beating dashboards on new cars) her flirting with other men, her not valuing me the way I deserved, constantly asking for a wedding ring (usually 3-4 days a week) when her behavior toward me was not worth the reward of marriage, I dumped her.

 

Her behavior did not change, it was good for a little bit but it just escalated into crazy town.

 

It was a trial by fire to say the least. But I learned SO much about myself. I learned about boundaries. About who I was willing to let into my life. It was a hell of a way to learn a very important lesson.

 

You might think I'm bonkers for putting up with what happened. I won't deny my part in the relationship either. I made the decision to have her back in my life. But not anymore.

 

 

I'm not going to say to not talk to your ex. However, a year is not that long in the grand scheme of things.

 

What I want to make clear to you is boundaries and having them. What are your boundaries?

 

For what I gather. This ex of yours does not care about your boundaries. At. All.

 

Repeat. He doesn't have a **** to give you.

 

It's been a year.

 

Don't make excuses for him calling at odd hours. He's selfish.

 

I wouldn't do this to someone I care about. You sound like a good person. You deserve a good person.

[SSun]

Thank you for this, I really mean that. I do not want to be back at square one and he's not worth risking that. I really appreciate you sharing your experience. Today one of the healthier men wanted me to see something and he waited until a decent hour to contact me because he figured I might be busy and I immediately thought of the posts here. My ex couldn't or wouldn't do that and I deserve that. Thank you for rooting for me! You all can't know how much you're helping me.

 

 

 

SSUn you have been doing great. Don't make the mistake I made of going back and now here I am a year later back to square 1. I was already 6 months out and doing very WELL. Traveling, looking good, meeting new people. Don't give in because your progress is priceless.

 

The other thing is that the damage done cannot be undone. The time to work on the issues was when you were still together.

 

I know someone else here said that many people have "missed" opportunities by being NC and i have to say that I disagree. People have been creating NEW opportunities for themselves ,therefore they have not missed an opportunity.

 

Keep up and continue healing. I love when you mention that you are now attracting healthier men. Move forward we are rooting for you.

[SSun]

Thank you for your post, I really appreciate reading the different perspectives. Sometimes I overthink things!

 

 

Well obviously a lot of the posters here have had terrible reconciliation experiences, but there are just as many that succeeded, if not, more. The reason why this thread has mostly those opposing to reconciliation is because those who successfully got back together rarely re-post on these forums again.

 

However, I would agree that him calling at that hour is odd. I would at least hear him out. See what his motives are exactly and ask why the hell he called at the hour and see what his answer is. If you feel it was for a good, legitimate reason then take it from there but if you detect a weird response that doesn't make sense then you know he's still somewhat selfish. Then you decide to continue or not.

 

Good luck!

[SSun]

My best friend said the exact same thing and I think you're both right. I'm certain that he rebounded after me (he cannot be alone) and is only now having to sit with the breakup and it isn't fun. So I got a 5am distress call because he is uncomfortable. I didn't have that luxury when I was in pain because he refused to be civil when we broke up. I had to fight through it and I'm glad that I did because I learned that I really didn't need him to get me through. What he wants at this point is no longer a priority and helping him through his breakup issues aren't worth it to me. Your post, and the post from the others, have made me feel better about not responding to him. I initially felt bad but I am content now with having been NC for over a year now (well, barring his initiated contact and the one call I mistakenly answered).

 

 

That call was a sense of urgency. Something triggered him to go back to the very point of time of your break-up and It maybe possible he had a dream and it was his "awakening" to what he has done. It maybe possible the girl he ran to broke up with him and now he is feeling the pain. Now the break-up has hit him.

 

I agree with staying N.C. unless its worth your while... you spent months of pain and you have to respond to his urgency on the drop of a dime.

[SSun]

Thank you for your post. I agree that it was an impulse call and am going to stay NC.

 

 

If you do return the call, it's really important to ask him, upfront, what his motive for contact is. He might simply want to apologize, or he might might want a second shot. Either way, I would not call him up for a chat just for the heck of it. I would need to know the reason for reestablishing contact, and take it from there.

 

I do think calling at 5 AM indicates that it could have been an impulse call rather than something fully thought out. Which further indicates to me that he is not interested in reconciling. Either way, I don't see the harm in callingn him again if you need to do so to full shut the door.

[SSun]

Hi Goodguy,

 

You're right and I've chosen not to contact him. I'm doing very well emotionally and don't want to risk disturbing my peace. The closure isn't worth it, I also think I have sort of given that to myself by choosing not to return his contact.

 

 

I think his learnt som big lessons like grass is not always greener etc and a mixture of guilt the way he cut it off be careful tho usually the contact cld be there lonely and haven't met anyone that met there expectations be careful to confuse love wth loneliness. It's up to u if u contact him as long as u feel confidant u hav moved on and won't get drawn in or down by the contact watever it turns out to be. Remember anyone who truly cares and loves u would move mountains. Three was a reason he broke up remember that and without knowing ur story u know best if u know wat i mean. If it didn't work he shld really respect u by not contacting u and not out of loneliness. Do u still love him? Would u want a relationship wth him or is the curiosity too much to bare? If ur prepared ask him wat he wants but u dont wanna ruin ur progress if u can handle wat he has to say and if u hav forgiven him I think it would take that level almost to feel indifferent about wat he has to say. He probably doesn't deserve it in my opinion but if u believe u will be indifferent regardless of way he has to say if u can't bear it then go ahead but be aware it may re open wounds. I remember my ex wife after chasing for mths she decides to contact m3 and work things out and then went hot n cold lol and basically ruined where I'd come to in the healing I'd let go but her contact rengaged me and took yrs to finally let go and ruined another relationship I'd started. If it was me trying to work it out and that person meant the world I would profess how wrong I was and wat I'd lost and do anything to have u back and bac it up wth action . Put him on the spot counselling lol anyway good luck I hope my post added to clarity and not detracted. The other thing to consider sometimes we think we'll be in different times to there contact and we end up judging it wrong. If u do own it and learn from it if it doesn't go ur way if u feel it'll add closure.

[Goodguy05]

Glad to hear SSUN u certainly don't owe him anything in this instance keep going forward and upward wth ur progress. Best wishes and God bless