Did you stay or stray?

[oldshirt]

Tell him the truth? Part of the reason we have martial

Issues (I failed to mention before because this is about MY wrong doing) is because my husband has major insecurities that were not revealed until we got married. To the point where his family has intervened (this is while J was completely out of my life). So telling him would ruin our marriage and it would be selfish...I would only be doing it to make myself feel better. I have made the decision to cut J out after all the advice here today and it's a burden I am responsible for carrying, not him.

 

The reasons he has insecurities is because he knows you aren't ready for a marital commitment and knows you are still restless and wanting to play the field.

 

Being up front and honest with your husband that you aren't ready for marriage and exclusivity will actually be blessing to him.

 

Yes he will be sad and bummed and may even make him angry for awhile. But deep down he already knows that it is just a matter of time before you are in another man's bed and knows it's a matter of time before you walk.

 

If you dissolve this now, you can walk away with honor and not have to deal with the fallout and ramifications and heartbreak of infidelity and wearing the label of a cheater.

 

Being honest about not being ready for marriage and letting him go before cheating on him or dumping him for another man is actually an act of mercy. You may not grasp that now, but in time, possibly years and years from now, you will see that it is true.

[DKT3]

Tell him the truth? Part of the reason we have martial

Issues (I failed to mention before because this is about MY wrong doing) is because my husband has major insecurities that were not revealed until we got married. To the point where his family has intervened (this is while J was completely out of my life). So telling him would ruin our marriage and it would be selfish...I would only be doing it to make myself feel better. I have made the decision to cut J out after all the advice here today and it's a burden I am responsible for carrying, not him.

 

Common mistake...Being honest doesn't ruin anything, it's the act/feelings that do that. Honesty merely allows someone to know the real you and make an informed decision to accept or not who you are. Sounds painful and complicated but really it's freeing.

[WomenWubber]

Tell him the truth? Part of the reason we have martial

Issues (I failed to mention before because this is about MY wrong doing) is because my husband has major insecurities that were not revealed until we got married. To the point where his family has intervened (this is while J was completely out of my life). So telling him would ruin our marriage and it would be selfish...I would only be doing it to make myself feel better. I have made the decision to cut J out after all the advice here today and it's a burden I am responsible for carrying, not him.

 

Then your issues will remain unsolved and you will be stuck in a marriage with a person who you no longer find attractive and who is blissfully ignorant of your emotional and physical needs. That will also be your burden to carry for a long time.

[Lady2163]

The first problem as others have said is that you just aren't emotionally mature enough to be married. You're 24? You are going to do a lot of changing in 10-15 years. You will have to make a conscious decision to include your husband in your life as you grow and change.

 

The second problem isn't that you have cheated, but that you are essentially laying the groundwork to cheat by arranging and planning this charade. You have probably lied by omission. Where does your husband THINK you were when you were with J? You made the effort and REMEMBERED to remove your wedding ring? Did you cover up the line with makeup or wear a different ring?

 

You're showing an ability to plot betrayal and be detail oriented.

 

What you've done reminds me of what a junior high kid would do. It just drama producing and attention seeking.

 

Either grow up and accept that this is how adult life is, be a woman of your word, have some integrity OR divorce and continue to enjoy the young and dumb days of your life.

[elaine567]

Telling him would ruin your marriage, of course it would.

As nothing has actually happened and you are now going to cut J out of your life forever, then breaking up a marriage over a "meeting" makes no sense whatsoever.

Trust once gone is very hard to regain.

 

Put all your energy into your marriage instead.

People often mirror the person they are with, so if you are stepping back and checking out then you will find your spouse will do the same.

Your marriage may or may not work out long term, but if you have put 100% into it your end, then you will have no regrets.

[GoldenR]

It seems like, if sincere, that you're on the right track. Honestly, I think if these things had happened to me, that I actually would be able to get past it and continue being married. If this is truly all you've done, I'd forgive it. Read my thread, that's not something I normally do.

 

Either way, I hope you devote yourself to your H. I wish you well.

Edited February 18, 2017 by GoldenR

[oldshirt]

 

Put all your energy into your marriage instead.

People often mirror the person they are with, so if you are stepping back and checking out then you will find your spouse will do the same.

Your marriage may or may not work out long term, but if you have put 100% into it your end, then you will have no regrets.

 

This would be sage advice for a fully developed person with minor children, mortgage, joint accounts, car payments in both party's names and fully intertwined families.

 

When you have that level of investment and that level of repercussion, then it makes sense to put everything you have into it and try to get through the storm - at least until the kids are older.

 

But she is in her early 20s and lacks the maturity and responsibility to have gotten married in the first place and there has been no mention of having kids, mortgage, retirement accounts etc etc.

 

She is having this level discord and restlessness over some guy she had a puppy love crush on in jr high.

 

I know in our society there are people that think that all marriages should be saved and that people should have to live with it and never divorce once the pastor says you may kiss the bride.

 

But that really is an outdated concept in a free and prosperous society. Some marriages should have never happened in the first place and while it may cost each of them $1000 dollars or so and each may shed a tear or two on their pillow for a few nights, they are young and resilient and they do not really have that much invested as of yet.

 

Putting "all your energy" into a marriage that shouldn't have happened in the first place, is the same as continuing to put good money into bad investment in hopes that more money will turn it around and make it into a good stock. It is just bad business.

 

They're young, they're not ready for this kind of commitment, they jumped the marriage gun and they weren't developed or mature enough for what they got into and they don't have any kids or major financial complexities yet, so as long as they are cooperative and mindful and don't fight each other - there is no reason they shouldn't have a pretty simple and straightforward divorce that won't cost an arm and a leg and they can each walk away, brush themselves off and be back in the game of life and continue to develop as individuals without much harm to either.

[aileD]

This would be sage advice for a fully developed person with minor children, mortgage, joint accounts, car payments in both party's names and fully intertwined families.

 

When you have that level of investment and that level of repercussion, then it makes sense to put everything you have into it and try to get through the storm - at least until the kids are older.

 

But she is in her early 20s and lacks the maturity and responsibility to have gotten married in the first place and there has been no mention of having kids, mortgage, retirement accounts etc etc.

 

She is having this level discord and restlessness over some guy she had a puppy love crush on in jr high.

 

I know in our society there are people that think that all marriages should be saved and that people should have to live with it and never divorce once the pastor says you may kiss the bride.

 

But that really is an outdated concept in a free and prosperous society. Some marriages should have never happened in the first place and while it may cost each of them $1000 dollars or so and each may shed a tear or two on their pillow for a few nights, they are young and resilient and they do not really have that much invested as of yet.

 

Putting "all your energy" into a marriage that shouldn't have happened in the first place, is the same as continuing to put good money into bad investment in hopes that more money will turn it around and make it into a good stock. It is just bad business.

 

They're young, they're not ready for this kind of commitment, they jumped the marriage gun and they weren't developed or mature enough for what they got into and they don't have any kids or major financial complexities yet, so as long as they are cooperative and mindful and don't fight each other - there is no reason they shouldn't have a pretty simple and straightforward divorce that won't cost an arm and a leg and they can each walk away, brush themselves off and be back in the game of life and continue to develop as individuals without much harm to either.

 

I kind of agree with this, but did you feel like when you married him you could be with him forever? If not, why did you marry? Insecurity? Afraid to be alone?

[Darren Steez]

Tell him the truth? Part of the reason we have martial my husband has major insecurities

 

I wonder why?

 

So telling him would ruin our marriage and it would be selfish

 

As opposed to you ruining your marriage by not committing to your house and seeing another man on the side and dreaming of having sex with him.. not selfish at all

 

it's a burden I am responsible for carrying

 

Then clearly you misunderstand what marriage is about, marriage is not only about fidelity but sharing both the good and the bad. You must as well run up bad credit put both your financial well beings in danger but lie to him because "it's your burden to carry"

 

Have you ever thought that helping your husband's insecurities might be telling him the truth then showing him that you put him and the marriage first, that even if something might hurt that you are being honest with him?

 

Truth is the foundation and cornerstone of trust and you can build something very real and long lasting with the man that committed himself to you and is there for you, not the man who skates around and keeps you hanging..but

 

You haven't even been honest with the other guy, so instead of using dishonesty to keep these men in your orbit why tell the other guy you're married because surely engaging in an affair and not telling the other guy is selfish.

 

Also realise this is an essay and you've already received good advice which you've effortlessly swatting away.

 

No one can force you to do the right thing.

 

Best of luck.

[understand50]

Lemonbar,

 

In answer to your first question, I have always stayed. I have fallen in "lust" many times, but never did anything about it nor did I even let the object of my "lust" know. I always knew that going though life I would be attracted to all sorts of women, but knew my commitment to my wife came first, even when I was not feeling it at the time. So when I was in "lust", I really kept my distance.

 

My advise to you is to take this as a warning and use it to strengthen your marriage. You are not a bad person for these feeling, just remember that you are married, and place them where they need to be. In your mind, and out of sight. It is part of being human, just remember we have control, not our feeling.

 

I wish you luck......

[Lemonbar]

My 15 year old daughter and her friends don't even sound this wishy washy and disorganized when they are talking about their crushes and BFs and such.

 

The best real advice any can give here is to see if your H will agree to a cooperative, uncontested divorce and see if both of you can walk away from this before you get too much mutual property and shared finances and, God forbid, children.

 

The mistake that was made here was you got married because you thought it would be fun to have a wedding and a party and to dance in a wedding dress with your girlfriends until the wee hours of the morning. You were no where near ready for an actual marriage with a real live spouse and actual legal and marital commitments.

 

The real issue here is you aren't ready for a legal and marital commitment and you aren't ready for sexual exclusivity or to deal with the sacrifice that comes from not being able to date and hook up with every guy that trips your trigger.

 

You can give this 'J' the brush off and next month there will just be another cute and sexy guy showing you attention that will make your hormones flow and you don't have the maturity and responsibility to not indulge it.

 

You may or may not be able to let this one go, but what about the next and the next and the next and the next? You're 22. you are at the height of your sexual market value. Guys are going to be hitting on you and making you offers and approaching you for quite a few years yet. They won't care that you are married, even if you tell them you are.

 

You simply made a mistake and married too young and while you were still too immature and unstable. I say that not as a put down or finger pointing but merely stating fact. Even if you manage to get through this situation without everything blowing up in your face, the one next month or six months after that will.

 

See if you can dissolve the marriage amicably and fairly and with as little drama and hurt feelings as possible. then live free and date and party and experience life and develop and grow for several more years until you really are ready to make a true marital commitment.

Wow. You are obviously making assumptions when you shouldn't be. We didn't even have a real wedding, we eloped because we wanted to get married. So no, it was not the WEDDING, it was the marriage. You are not offering advice, you are just preaching. Please leave.

[niji]

I don't know if you've answered this question already, but I think I've been fairly consistent with this thread, and I still have two questions to ask:

 

1) Why did you marry your husband?

 

2) Is he the one you can see yourself growing with and living with for another 30, 40, 50, 60 years until one of you pass?

 

If not, better end it soon as it's just the two of you now.

 

When I was 21, my ex wanted to get married. I was in no way shape or form ready. I felt like a child, I was still living at home in the comfort zone with my parents. I had a lot of doubt about life, but one thing I know for sure: I wanted to see what's out there, I need to know what I wanted to do with my life, pursuing things on my own without being a married woman. It had nothing to do with another man, a crush, whatever. I just needed to grow up on my own.

 

Some people marry young and it works, but not when you have doubts like this. You have to decide whether he's worth it, or leave before the damage is too great.

[Lemonbar]

Hey everyone,

 

I wanted to thank you all for your input in this situation. I realized I was being very foolish and after hearing multiple perspectives I have decided to cut "J" out of my life and invest into my marriage because I can't really see myself with anyone but my husband.

 

I will say I find some of your replies interesting. Most of you are here because you have issues in your relationships or your marriage (which is why I came here) but most you Jump to so many conclusions or take out your frustrations on people in this forum. If you want a healthy marriage or relationship, learn from those who have had succes in the area not those who have clearly failed and logged onto this site just to leave bitter comments because they have not healed from their own scorns.

 

Some of you offered very insightful and mature responses but most of you are extremely emotional. The immature thing to do in my situation is to have these feelings, NOT talk about it or seek advice and let it fester until I do something I regret. I came BEFORE I made a mistake and all of you are so quick to judge me and say things about my personality and morals. All you know about me is a quick paragraph I typed out, nothing else. So quite frankly, if you made assumptions and merely scalded me, you are probably the one with issues.

[Marc878]

Hey everyone,

 

I wanted to thank you all for your input in this situation. I realized I was being very foolish and after hearing multiple perspectives I have decided to cut "J" out of my life and invest into my marriage because I can't really see myself with anyone but my husband.

 

I will say I find some of your replies interesting. Most of you are here because you have issues in your relationships or your marriage (which is why I came here) but most you Jump to so many conclusions or take out your frustrations on people in this forum. If you want a healthy marriage or relationship, learn from those who have had succes in the area not those who have clearly failed and logged onto this site just to leave bitter comments because they have not healed from their own scorns.

 

Some of you offered very insightful and mature responses but most of you are extremely emotional. The immature thing to do in my situation is to have these feelings, NOT talk about it or seek advice and let it fester until I do something I regret. I came BEFORE I made a mistake and all of you are so quick to judge me and say things about my personality and morals. All you know about me is a quick paragraph I typed out, nothing else. So quite frankly, if you made assumptions and merely scalded me, you are probably the one with issues.

 

Most or at least a lot of folks here have been through the infidelity grinder. Their comments are to warn or perhaps try and get their points across so others are more aware or better prepared. And can be somewhat passionate. Because of their experiences.

 

As you've written. You know little about such posters either or what they've went through unless either you perhaps read their threads.

 

They are here to try and give help for the most part. A lot who come hear can't take the truth. It does hurt and sometimes comes across as harsh.

 

Later on when you've matured perhaps you'll understand it better. We were all young and naive once. As you are.

[DKT3]

Hey everyone,

 

I wanted to thank you all for your input in this situation. I realized I was being very foolish and after hearing multiple perspectives I have decided to cut "J" out of my life and invest into my marriage because I can't really see myself with anyone but my husband.

 

I will say I find some of your replies interesting. Most of you are here because you have issues in your relationships or your marriage (which is why I came here) but most you Jump to so many conclusions or take out your frustrations on people in this forum. If you want a healthy marriage or relationship, learn from those who have had succes in the area not those who have clearly failed and logged onto this site just to leave bitter comments because they have not healed from their own scorns.

 

Some of you offered very insightful and mature responses but most of you are extremely emotional. The immature thing to do in my situation is to have these feelings, NOT talk about it or seek advice and let it fester until I do something I regret. I came BEFORE I made a mistake and all of you are so quick to judge me and say things about my personality and morals. All you know about me is a quick paragraph I typed out, nothing else. So quite frankly, if you made assumptions and merely scalded me, you are probably the one with issues.

The hardest thing in life is introspection, admitting that sometimes we are the problem. The easy thing to do is pass the blame to others for our own poor choices and bad behavior. This trait is rampant with waywards.

 

You displayed some poor boundaries, that is something that isn't affected by the state of your marriage. You took some deceptive actions. Those are 100% on you.

 

When you engage in such behavior, you will be judged. Sure it can be unfair and presumptuous, but often in line with the behavior.

 

The immaturity spoke of is your teenage like view of relationships. The reality is that is where the problem lays along with bad boundaries and poor impulse control.

 

It can be tough here, not every post is honestly intended to help, while others that seem harsh may actually be most helpful.

[Mr. Lucky]

I came BEFORE I made a mistake and all of you are so quick to judge me and say things about my personality and morals.

 

Lemonbar, spend some time here and you'll realize something pretty quickly - even good people do bad things.

 

This forum offers you a blank wall, throw some things against it, some will stick, some won't. As part of that process, you get asked hard questions - for example, if you feel so strongly no mistake was made, why not tell your husband ?

 

The takeaway is up to you. You can thank us later...

 

Mr. Lucky

[deadsoul]

Hey everyone,

 

I wanted to thank you all for your input in this situation. I realized I was being very foolish and after hearing multiple perspectives I have decided to cut "J" out of my life and invest into my marriage because I can't really see myself with anyone but my husband.

 

I will say I find some of your replies interesting. Most of you are here because you have issues in your relationships or your marriage (which is why I came here) but most you Jump to so many conclusions or take out your frustrations on people in this forum. If you want a healthy marriage or relationship, learn from those who have had succes in the area not those who have clearly failed and logged onto this site just to leave bitter comments because they have not healed from their own scorns.

 

Some of you offered very insightful and mature responses but most of you are extremely emotional. The immature thing to do in my situation is to have these feelings, NOT talk about it or seek advice and let it fester until I do something I regret. I came BEFORE I made a mistake and all of you are so quick to judge me and say things about my personality and morals. All you know about me is a quick paragraph I typed out, nothing else. So quite frankly, if you made assumptions and merely scalded me, you are probably the one with issues.

 

I'm proud of you for coming here before you made a mistake. It's what I wish I had done. Ultimately, you have to do what's best for you and your husband. I am glad you decided to cut J out of your life. I think that is such a healthy step. I do think it's important to tell him you're married, but ultimately, that's your decision to make.

 

I also think it's important to have a deep conversation with your husband. Again, your final decision on how much you tell him, but you want to make sure this doesn't happen again so be sure to talk to him about what you're feeling and how you guys need to communicate.

 

Yes, I'm pretty emotional. I hit rock bottom and it was all my doing. So if I can help someone else, I'm sure going to try, but I'm definitely not going to be offended if you don't take my advice, since that's all it is.

 

You are going to get many different perspectives here, some you agree with and some you don't. You have to decide what fits for you. I will tell you this, some of the harshest comments in my thread were the ones that pushed me to think the hardest and affected me the most. Even if I felt the comments didn't fit my situation, I still read them and considered them carefully.

 

I do feel that some are judgmental, or come across that way, and it's so easy to do behind a keyboard. But even those comments have given me something to think about.

 

Anyway, good luck to you. I hope you will stick around, I will tell you it has helped me a lot.

[Space Ritual]

Ok, never done this before. A bit of backstory, but I'll try to only explain what's relevant.

I'm in my early twenties and just got married this year. I met me husband almost two years ago. I was VERY infatuated when we first me and he has made me feel like no one else I've ever been with. Lately, our marriage is having some struggles. Our sex life is declining and I don't find myself interested in him like I used to be. I've read marriage books. I have a positive associaton of married friends. My family loves him and I love his family. I have one problem. We will call him J.

 

J had been in my life for about ten years. We met freshman year in high school and there had been something between us since we first met. We hook up(we don't always have Sex) from time to time and then cool it for a few months and the talking starts again. This has been going on since I was 14. We have never actually been official but have gone on dates. I was briefly ( and I mean very briefly and stupidly) engaged at 19. He kind of freaked so we sat down and I told him I had feelings for him and asked why we never dated. He said he'd wondered the same but thought I didn't want to. After that, he was distant for a while (understandably, I probably freaked him out as I put him in the spot). I called off the marriage a month later.

 

Anyways, prior to becoming engaged to my now husband (like four years later), I was having some serious doubts. I met with J as sort of a final hoo-rah to see if anything was there. Of course I felt a connection but quickly realized much would not come of it. So I cut him out and became engaged and then married.

 

Here is my problem: i thought I could cut him out forever. I can't. We still talk and I saw him last night. We did not have sex, but part of me can't stop thinking about what it would be like to be with him. He has no idea I'm married and my husband doesn't know he exists. I have been hiding my husband from him (deceitful, I know). I'm treading in deep waters here.

 

Anyone been in a similar situation? Did you cut the other person out or did you end up leaving your spouse eventually?

 

Also, my husband and I have a huge network and own a small online business together. It's all messy.

 

Thanks for any input

 

2 Words:

 

GROW UP

[thummper]

Easy solution here: TELL THE OTHER GUY YOU'RE MARRIED!!! There. That ought to take care of it if the guy has any morals at all.