Did you stay or stray?

[justastatistic]

PIV? what is that

 

Penis in vagina.

[GoldenR]

Okay, I know I'm in the wrong and happy to take some heat here. But I have not had sexual relations outside my marriage and I did not kiss him last night. I'm trying to get help and perspective because I am young an inexperienced. Most people have already taken the plunge and cheated I am at a crossroads trying to think before I act. This whole

Forum is about cheating. Of course it's not ethical and I have issues, why else would I be here ??

 

 

You have cheated. Even if there's been no sex of ANY kind, you've still cheated.

 

So what are you so embarrassed if nothing happened?

[EZNona]

Ok, never done this before. A bit of backstory, but I'll try to only explain what's relevant.

I'm in my early twenties and just got married this year. I met me husband almost two years ago. I was VERY infatuated when we first me and he has made me feel like no one else I've ever been with. Lately, our marriage is having some struggles. Our sex life is declining and I don't find myself interested in him like I used to be. I've read marriage books. I have a positive associaton of married friends. My family loves him and I love his family. I have one problem. We will call him J.

 

J had been in my life for about ten years. We met freshman year in high school and there had been something between us since we first met. We hook up(we don't always have Sex) from time to time and then cool it for a few months and the talking starts again. This has been going on since I was 14. We have never actually been official but have gone on dates. I was briefly ( and I mean very briefly and stupidly) engaged at 19. He kind of freaked so we sat down and I told him I had feelings for him and asked why we never dated. He said he'd wondered the same but thought I didn't want to. After that, he was distant for a while (understandably, I probably freaked him out as I put him in the spot). I called off the marriage a month later.

 

Anyways, prior to becoming engaged to my now husband (like four years later), I was having some serious doubts. I met with J as sort of a final hoo-rah to see if anything was there. Of course I felt a connection but quickly realized much would not come of it. So I cut him out and became engaged and then married.

 

Here is my problem: i thought I could cut him out forever. I can't. We still talk and I saw him last night. We did not have sex, but part of me can't stop thinking about what it would be like to be with him. He has no idea I'm married and my husband doesn't know he exists. I have been hiding my husband from him (deceitful, I know). I'm treading in deep waters here.

 

Anyone been in a similar situation? Did you cut the other person out or did you end up leaving your spouse eventually?

 

Also, my husband and I have a huge network and own a small online business together. It's all messy.

 

Thanks for any input

 

 

Worrying about the old flame that you've already had plenty taste of in the past is just a mess not worth pursuing.

 

I think the bigger issue here is that you got married too soon/too young. I just don't think you are ready to settle down 100% with one person. I wouldn't be surprised if someone else were to entice and tempt you in the future.

 

You have to decide if you want to commit fully to your husband and marriage. It takes a lot of love, energy, and WORK to sustain a marriage for years upon years. Are you sure that's the type of commitment you want right now in your life?

[Lemonbar]

Frankly, it's more about me being ashamed. I really don't think I want to be with him. I wouldn't mind him finding out if I was married, just not the night after I saw him. I would like to minimize/cease contact and then some time down the road have him find out I'm married so that if I see him in public I can introduce him to my husband.

[Lemonbar]

I'm saying the way she's talking, the way she's wording things, I think she's saying she hasn't had sex in the traditional sense of the word. But everything else that doesn't include penetration?

 

That's a common wayward defense. "I didn't have sex!".

 

What about oral?

 

"That's not sex!"

No Sex of any kind. Clothes were on the entire time. We played battleship for crying out loud.

[GoldenR]

.....and then some time down the road have him find out I'm married so that if I see him in public I can introduce him to my husband.

 

 

Nononononononono.....never EVER introduce him. If your H ever finds out that you guys were sneaking around, and you've ashtray introduced him, he will be crushed. No sex or not.....he will feel like the biggest fool ever.

 

If you confess first, then fine, introduce away.

[Lemonbar]

You have cheated. Even if there's been no sex of ANY kind, you've still cheated.

 

So what are you so embarrassed if nothing happened?

Also, aware I have cheated even though it was not sexually. I never claimed I don't cheat...I'm in the freakin cheating forum.

[MidnightBlue1980]

Okay, I know I'm in the wrong and happy to take some heat here. But I have not had sexual relations outside my marriage and I did not kiss him last night. I'm trying to get help and perspective because I am young an inexperienced. Most people have already taken the plunge and cheated I am at a crossroads trying to think before I act. This whole

Forum is about cheating. Of course it's not ethical and I have issues, why else would I be here ??

 

I actually don't count this as cheating. It's definitely a bad sign though. I do think you are too young to have gotten married, but married you are.

 

Lets look at the facts here - you hung out with a guy you have hooked up with in the past; he thought you were single and nothing happened. He did not try to kiss you.

 

Read - he's not that into you. I'd bet money if you told him you were married, he'd say that was great and probably mean it.

 

I think you need to do a lot of thinking and figuring out what you want in life because the next guy might try something and then what?

 

Take it from someone 20 years older than you. Be happy with what you have. If you are bored or whatever, a new guy won't fix what is missing inside of you.

[DKT3]

Quick and easy way to view this situation. On one hand you have a guy who met you and within two years found enough that he likes in you to commit his life to you. On the other hand you have a guy who in 8 years haven't found enough he likes about you to ask you to be his girlfriend....What was the question again?

[Lemonbar]

Valid point.

[Miss Peach]

I've run into thoughts like this myself when my marriage went through bad times. I never acted on it but I think for me the fantasy and the idea of options was really what was appealing; not the actual guy. In fact, now that I'm divorced, if I ran into any of the guys in my past I wouldn't want them. I didn't pick them then and I don't see why I would now.

[Lemonbar]

So it would be fine with you if your H had an affair?

 

would not bother you at all?

 

hope you get tested for stds.

 

Tell your H so you can be free to be with your fantasy that is not real.

 

Set your H free and tell him you have been having an A with the OM.

 

tell your H that you do not really love him and want a D.

 

Set your H free and you can be free as well.

This comment is totally out of line.

[Marc878]

Interesting you mention that. I do wear a wedding ring and am very vocal about our marriage but when I saw him last night I took I it off. I do love my husband but I don't think I was ready to be married. When I got married I made the decision to cut J out of my life and he kind of crept right back in. I need to take responsibilitiy and just cut him out completely but has we all know it's not always easy to do the right thing.

 

Nope, you are letting him in.

[Lemonbar]

Nope, you are letting him in.

What do you mean ?

[Marc878]

Honestly, I'm too ashamed of myself to tell him I'm married after last night. Anything I can say without telling him I'm married ?

 

As you mature you'll find the truth always works best.

[elaine567]

What do you mean ?

 

He didn't creep back into your life, YOU LET him come back into your life.

 

It would have been very easy to say, "Sorry I am very busy just now, I can't meet you" and then never contact him again, or even "Sorry I am married, my husband would not be very happy if I went on a "date" with an ex lover".

 

BUT YOU keep him around and interested, as it boosts your ego, but your ego will quickly end up on the floor when your husband finds out.

[Lemonbar]

He didn't creep back into your life, YOU LET him come back into your life.

 

It would have been very easy to say, "Sorry I am very busy just now, I can't meet you" and then never contact him again, or even "Sorry I am married, my husband would not be very happy if I went on a "date" with an ex lover".

 

BUT YOU keep him around and interested, as it boosts your ego, but your ego will quickly end up on the floor when your husband finds out.

Totally accurate.

[GoldenR]

Please don't try to make them be friends. Or even acquaintances.

[aliveagain]

Your a grown woman who knows the difference between right and wrong. The statistics on marriages surviving with affairs early in the marriage are very, very low. If you don't want marriage at least be honest with the man that married you. If issues already exist in your marriage, bringing a third person into it won't fix the issues. Rather then wasting bonding time (your taking from your husband) on someone your tricking into having a relationship with you, put that time into fixing the damage that now exists. If your not as committed to the marriage, end it before you step further over the line you can never return from. A deal breaker is just that, a deal breaker. Why are you tossing a grenade into your marriage before it's had enough time to become something really special?

[Mr. Lucky]

On one hand you have a guy who met you and within two years found enough that he likes in you to commit his life to you. On the other hand you have a guy who in 8 years haven't found enough he likes about you to ask you to be his girlfriend....

 

And yet the OP flirts with the thought of dumping the committed one for the free agent.

 

We human beings are complicated creatures...

 

Mr. Lucky

[whichwayisup]

I am not asking for sympathy or for anyone to condone what I am doing. I am aware of the lack of respect towards my husband. My main fear is that even if I cut him out our marriage will inevitably derail anyways and then he'll be moved on and long gone. Yes, if it was supposed to happen it should have already, but why is he still in my life? Every time I drink or think about anyone besides my husband, it's ONLY him. Strange?

 

So you're afraid that you'll end up alone and on your own if you cut J out of your life and if you and your H end up divorced? That's no reason to keep J in your life nor is it a reason to stay married.

 

Seems you got married way too young and aren't ready for the commitment of marriage and have boundaries when it comes to opposite sex friends, especially ones you have feelings for.

 

Why do you hang onto him? His reasons don't matter right now only yours do. Chances are he's hoping to have a side fling with you eventually if you allow it to happen. It's an emotional affair right now and EA's are just as damaging to marriages.. Already what you feel for him is interfering with what you feel towards your husband, you've emotionally detached and putting energy into J. That can only do more damage and cause problems.

 

I hope you can make a decision soon and not allow what you're doing to continue. Your husband deserves a woman who will love and adore only him.

[WomenWubber]

You should tell your husband the truth. Show him this thread and communicate your feelings properly.

 

If you think your marriage is worth working on, then give your husband and yourself the chance to grow together as a married couple.

[whichwayisup]

Honestly, I'm too ashamed of myself to tell him I'm married after last night. Anything I can say without telling him I'm married ?

 

Be honest? Admit that you purposely didn't tell him that you're married. Don't justify it or minimize it, just say that you should have told him but didn't because... (Insert your reasons as to why you didn't, whether it was ego related or you just wanted to see how far things would go etc).

 

Don't bother sending a long detailed note/email to him.

[Lemonbar]

You should tell your husband the truth. Show him this thread and communicate your feelings properly.

 

If you think your marriage is worth working on, then give your husband and yourself the chance to grow together as a married couple.

Tell him the truth? Part of the reason we have martial

Issues (I failed to mention before because this is about MY wrong doing) is because my husband has major insecurities that were not revealed until we got married. To the point where his family has intervened (this is while J was completely out of my life). So telling him would ruin our marriage and it would be selfish...I would only be doing it to make myself feel better. I have made the decision to cut J out after all the advice here today and it's a burden I am responsible for carrying, not him.

[oldshirt]

My 15 year old daughter and her friends don't even sound this wishy washy and disorganized when they are talking about their crushes and BFs and such.

 

The best real advice any can give here is to see if your H will agree to a cooperative, uncontested divorce and see if both of you can walk away from this before you get too much mutual property and shared finances and, God forbid, children.

 

The mistake that was made here was you got married because you thought it would be fun to have a wedding and a party and to dance in a wedding dress with your girlfriends until the wee hours of the morning. You were no where near ready for an actual marriage with a real live spouse and actual legal and marital commitments.

 

The real issue here is you aren't ready for a legal and marital commitment and you aren't ready for sexual exclusivity or to deal with the sacrifice that comes from not being able to date and hook up with every guy that trips your trigger.

 

You can give this 'J' the brush off and next month there will just be another cute and sexy guy showing you attention that will make your hormones flow and you don't have the maturity and responsibility to not indulge it.

 

You may or may not be able to let this one go, but what about the next and the next and the next and the next? You're 22. you are at the height of your sexual market value. Guys are going to be hitting on you and making you offers and approaching you for quite a few years yet. They won't care that you are married, even if you tell them you are.

 

You simply made a mistake and married too young and while you were still too immature and unstable. I say that not as a put down or finger pointing but merely stating fact. Even if you manage to get through this situation without everything blowing up in your face, the one next month or six months after that will.

 

See if you can dissolve the marriage amicably and fairly and with as little drama and hurt feelings as possible. then live free and date and party and experience life and develop and grow for several more years until you really are ready to make a true marital commitment.