Mr. Lucky Posted February 22, 2017 Share Posted February 22, 2017 I find his intentions (and his family's) very cold blooded and I think I'm worth more than that and have no wish to be embroiled in their set up. What have you told him about the future of the relationship? Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Author parsnips Posted February 23, 2017 Author Share Posted February 23, 2017 Mr Lucky, its over. Amicable enough. He told me I've destroyed the relationship by making a huge deal out of the whole scenario. I don't think I did. Its the right thing for me to move on. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
BluEyeL Posted February 23, 2017 Share Posted February 23, 2017 Mr Lucky, its over. Amicable enough. He told me I've destroyed the relationship by making a huge deal out of the whole scenario. I don't think I did. Its the right thing for me to move on. Good decision! I hope you don't backslide in the future, because you will get lonely at times. I know you are in your late 40s but if you go out there and date when you're ready you can find someone better. Perhaps someone with less assets and less family complications. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author parsnips Posted February 23, 2017 Author Share Posted February 23, 2017 Thanks Blueye, I'm a bit heartbroken at the moment. Disgraced myself in work today by crying Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted February 23, 2017 Share Posted February 23, 2017 (edited) Doesn't a legally notarized will supersede default inheritance? I don't know of a single developed country where it doesn't. At any rate, you two need to be talking to a lawyer who can instruct you in a workaround for your situation, that is specific to your legal jurisdiction. I would be very, very surprised if a workaround doesn't exist. If he isn't even willing to go with you to a lawyer to find a solution - sorry, but he isn't interested in marriage at all. Edit: I just read your latest update, I think I know which country you mean. I've seen quite a few cases in that country where a person's property went to their children as they intended, so I'm pretty darn sure there is a workaround, both in the case of common law and in marriage. Clearly, he wasn't interested in finding the workaround. Good on you for ending things. Edited February 23, 2017 by Elswyth 1 Link to post Share on other sites
anna121 Posted February 23, 2017 Share Posted February 23, 2017 I'm sorry parsnips, but I think you did the only thing you could. His actions have demonstrated an utter lack of care for you. I'm not talking about the assets, btw, but his entire approach to the issue. For your own good, you should have little to no contact with him. I'm aim for none at all, as quickly as possible. Link to post Share on other sites
Author parsnips Posted February 24, 2017 Author Share Posted February 24, 2017 Elswyth, there really isn't a "workaround". I sought independent legal advice too and even if a will was made, it could be overturned in favour of a husband or wife upon a spouses death. Believe me, I did my research. He actually suggested that we wait until such a loophole in the law could be found. I wasn't sitting around waiting for that day to come. It should never have been an issue in the first place. I'm moving on. He has his houses, but he doesn't have me ! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author parsnips Posted February 24, 2017 Author Share Posted February 24, 2017 Thanks Anna. I have to be strong. He contacted me to ask for tickets back for a gig during the Summer. He bought them for us. It kills me to return them because I'd love to go myself. I know I should return them, but I'm so tempted to tell him they are in the post and keep them lol. Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted February 24, 2017 Share Posted February 24, 2017 I sought independent legal advice too and even if a will was made, it could be overturned in favour of a husband or wife upon a spouses death. I think you're suffering from the nirvana fallacy. You're looking for a perfect solution, and then comparing all realistic solutions to that unattainable goal. For example car seatbelts don't prevent all auto deaths, but the inventor didn't bin the idea, just because it wasn't a 100% perfect solution... Yes, such legal workarounds are not 100% watertight, they can be overturned in exceptional circumstances, but isn't that fair? Let's say a rich husband writes a will leaving all his worldly goods to his best friend. On his death, his wife and kids would become destitute and homeless. It's only right that she should be able to contest his will. For this reason the laws will never be changed as he suggests. The legal workarounds do work in most circumstances (just as seatbelts prevent a lot of deaths). Asking for a 100% watertight solution, you will always be told "there isn't one". That doesn't mean there isn't a 99% one, though. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author parsnips Posted February 24, 2017 Author Share Posted February 24, 2017 Thats as may be Pegnose, but heres the deal: he wanted both his properties to go to his nieces, apiece each. The "workaround" would allow for a spouse to inherit 1/3 of the dead spouses estate even if a will was made , the rest going to whom it was intended for. He didn't want to take that chance ! He wanted every penny of the properties to go to the relatives, lock, stock and barrel. He didn't trust that I would honour his wishes. I trusted him to do the right thing by my child regarding my house. Given the carry on of him over the whole thing, now I have to wonder if he would have left my kid destitute. Looks like I may have dodged a bullet. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
anna121 Posted February 24, 2017 Share Posted February 24, 2017 I think you're suffering from the nirvana fallacy. You're looking for a perfect solution, and then comparing all realistic solutions to that unattainable goal. Huh? SHE isn't looking for a "perfect" solution (although she is obviously willing to do alot to assuage his concerns). HE is the one being absolutely fanatical about this. Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted February 24, 2017 Share Posted February 24, 2017 He didn't trust that I would honour his wishes. Definitely dodged a bullet in that case. There are no 100% guarantees in life - life by its very nature is non-deterministic. A reasonable person in his situation would take all the steps he reasonably could (e.g. writing a legal will), but the ironclad guarantee he desires will never exist. Thus, he is unreasonable, obsessed with his property, and frankly should remain single for the rest of his life. I mean, what 100% guarantee does he have that any woman he is with wouldn't poison his food, for goodness' sakes? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted February 24, 2017 Share Posted February 24, 2017 Looks like I may have dodged a bullet. Definitely! Huh? SHE isn't looking for a "perfect" solution (although she is obviously willing to do alot to assuage his concerns). HE is the one being absolutely fanatical about this. Yes, I mean she was looking for a perfect solution because he told her that's the only way he would marry her. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted February 24, 2017 Share Posted February 24, 2017 Looks like I may have dodged a bullet. Would guess your interpretation is correct. The "houses" problem wasn't the issue, it was his willingness to search for cooperative solutions that worked for both of you. Again parsnips, it seems once his health crisis was over, he didn't really want to be tied to a relationship. Committed couple don't maintain separate houses and take solo vacations... Mr. Lucky 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Rockdad Posted February 24, 2017 Share Posted February 24, 2017 The loss of investments, real property or family property is a very genuine reality and concern. It happened to me. My kids grew up watching me dig back out of a deep hole, start again and their mother living on it. It's a dichotomy I have not figured out what to advise my sons. I've raised them to press on to be successful. Financially I can't give them a reason to get married. I only have reasons not too. On the other side they more than likely will be under pressure for engagement and marriage. Just read the many threads in LS of females frustrated figuring a way to get that ring on her finger. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author parsnips Posted February 27, 2017 Author Share Posted February 27, 2017 Thanks everyone for taking the time to comment / advise. Basically, I ended the relationship last week. I got a near suicidal text at the weekend and my heart almost stopped. I called him and calmed him down. I don't think he was suicidal, to be fair, just drunk and feeling sorry for himself. Anyhow, we talked for hours on the phone. It was mostly me trying to console him and tell him that he's not the wicked person he thinks he is. He asked me if there was hope for us. Said he would take on board all that I'd said regarding his houses etc. He seemed calm enough when we ended the call. Anyway, he called me the next day. His understanding was that we could revert back to how we were a few years ago, ie I'd keep on in my house, he'd keep on in his and we would go back to dating and having the good times. I told him no, I wasn't prepared to do that. He made it very clear during that call that in no way was sharing a home between us ever going to be on the cards. The call ended with him screaming at me down the phone and calling me a c**t before hanging up. I was really shaken up about the call and blocked his number once and for all. From what I can gather, he wasn't getting his own way and so lost the plot. He knew I'd ended things and had to have the last word. The last word being "goodbye forever you C**t". Nice. Link to post Share on other sites
BluEyeL Posted February 27, 2017 Share Posted February 27, 2017 Wow! Definitely dodged a bullet! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted February 27, 2017 Share Posted February 27, 2017 The loss of investments, real property or family property is a very genuine reality and concern. It happened to me. My kids grew up watching me dig back out of a deep hole, start again and their mother living on it. It's a dichotomy I have not figured out what to advise my sons. I've raised them to press on to be successful. Financially I can't give them a reason to get married. I only have reasons not too. On the other side they more than likely will be under pressure for engagement and marriage. Just read the many threads in LS of females frustrated figuring a way to get that ring on her finger. FTR, the hysteria about divorce alimony is largely a US-specific thing. It's fairly clear that the OP isn't in the US. I'm not sure as to the exact country, but I can only think of 1 country that has the 3-year common-law separation law. In that country, lifetime alimony does not exist and in fact, property accrued before the two parties start living together is generally considered individual property, not relationship property. It is very, very rare for a partner to demand your individual property in the case of a divorce/separation and win. Death on the other hand might be different, but that's not the same as what you are saying (and at any rate doesn't excuse the OP's partner's behaviour either, plenty of much richer men in all countries live together with their partner or marry regardless). 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Ronni_W Posted February 27, 2017 Share Posted February 27, 2017 parsnips, I'm sorry for all you're going through. It's still an important relationship that ended, and that will take time to grieve and move forward from. Although, I supposes, the 'colours' that he showed at the end there might make these initial stages a little bit easier. Hugs, Ronni 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted February 27, 2017 Share Posted February 27, 2017 I'm sorry for all you're going through. It's still an important relationship that ended, and that will take time to grieve and move forward from. I've found this to be true. My ex-wife did me wrong and screwed me over pretty much every way possible - and I spent months after our divorce missing her. It will take some time to come to terms with everything that's happened... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
kidm Posted February 27, 2017 Share Posted February 27, 2017 What country does OP live in? It seems we never got an answer.... Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted February 28, 2017 Share Posted February 28, 2017 What country does OP live in? It seems we never got an answer.... People aren't obligated to share their location, many like their privacy and prefer not to tell what city or country they are from. Link to post Share on other sites
Author parsnips Posted February 28, 2017 Author Share Posted February 28, 2017 kidm, I purposely didn't divulge my country for a reason, mainly that I don't wish to be identified by my ex or anyone in his orbit:) 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BettyDraper Posted March 20, 2017 Share Posted March 20, 2017 The loss of investments, real property or family property is a very genuine reality and concern. It happened to me. My kids grew up watching me dig back out of a deep hole, start again and their mother living on it. It's a dichotomy I have not figured out what to advise my sons. I've raised them to press on to be successful. Financially I can't give them a reason to get married. I only have reasons not too. On the other side they more than likely will be under pressure for engagement and marriage. Just read the many threads in LS of females frustrated figuring a way to get that ring on her finger. Some divorced moms would have a hard time giving their daughters a reason to marry, since married mothers who work full time still do far more housework and child rearing. I'm saying this to make the point that successful men are not the only party who can suffer when they marry. There's also the fact that many interpersonal decisions are not economically sound. The benefits are intangible and priceless. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
minimariah Posted March 26, 2017 Share Posted March 26, 2017 FTR, the hysteria about divorce alimony is largely a US-specific thing. most definitely. in my country (Europe) - alimony doesn't even exist. literally. there is only child support, no alimony available. Link to post Share on other sites
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