Author Nathan234 Posted February 22, 2017 Author Posted February 22, 2017 I say this because, in spite of what many want to believe, divorce is hard on a child. I've been married a long time, and have three teenage kids. Most of their friends have parents who are divorced, and just form talking with them, I've learned just how crappy it can make a child feel. It's not for lack of trying on the part of both parents, as all of them have mothers and fathers who do their best to give them a good life. To illustrate this, I'll you Emily ( not her real name) as an example. He om and dad separated ad divorced when she was very young, so it's really all she knows. It's really hard on her, as she lives with her mom during the week and spends the weekends with her dad. That means that she has to go between two homes, and because her dad lives about an hour away, she misses out on doing things with her friends. She hates having to go between two houses, and isn't fond of having to share her dad with his new wife and her stepsisters, who live with them full time. These are just a few of the areas that make her life difficult. Along with this, her dad doesn't like that she has a step father, even though he treats her well. My point is that you say you are happy with your ow, but please don't flatter yourself to think that your happiness will matter to anyone but you. If you really don't want to be with your wife, then don't, as an unhappy home isn't good for a child. Just don't pretend that, because getting a divorce will leave you free to be with your ow that will make everything hunky dory for everyone else. Your wife and child are going to pay a steep price for your happiness. I get you, but my baby is only two months, I will make sure he's not affected. It really doesn't have to be this way, I know what I'm talking about because I was growing out with no father in the house (my parents had split), but we have an amazing relationship and they both have different partners and I am perfectly okay with it. My dad was very present in my life, I believe it's only up to me and my wife how things will look like, don't you think? 1
Author Nathan234 Posted February 22, 2017 Author Posted February 22, 2017 And now think how many children are unhappy with both parents at home. 2
Author Nathan234 Posted February 22, 2017 Author Posted February 22, 2017 When do you plan to tell her? How does your mistress feel about you ending things? Tonight. I actually didn't chose yet.
ShatteredLady Posted February 22, 2017 Posted February 22, 2017 I get you, but my baby is only two months, I will make sure he's not affected. It really doesn't have to be this way, I know what I'm talking about because I was growing out with no father in the house (my parents had split), but we have an amazing relationship and they both have different partners and I am perfectly okay with it. My dad was very present in my life, I believe it's only up to me and my wife how things will look like, don't you think? Was your father shagging around on your Mum when she was pregnant? It's much harder to have a healthy coparenting relationship with someone who has betrayed & disrespected you! I thought that you said you love your wife. Are you considering divorce just because it's easier than doing the work? Do you really think that you can be faithful & loyal to anyone? From everything you've written so far I can't imagine you having a stable relationship anytime soon. Is your OW happy with you shagging around on her if you (against all odds) remain together? You've already learn how hard it is to be an adulterer & not catch feelings. If your OW is one of those women who stupidly believes that you're only a cheat because you married the wrong woman she's going to be very disappointed. I know she seems like the easy option because she's not going to give you a hard time like your wife FOR NOW but once the dust has settled, she will NEVER trust you! Oh you don't care, not really.
ShatteredLady Posted February 22, 2017 Posted February 22, 2017 2 months old. Hmmm. Exactly how much time do you think you're going to get to spend with him over the next couple of years? Is your wife breastfeeding? Are you prepared to take care of your baby alone or do you plan on your OW playing Mummy? Yeh! Your betrayed wife is going to go for that!! You've really thought this through realistically haven't you!!???!
Author Nathan234 Posted February 22, 2017 Author Posted February 22, 2017 Was your father shagging around on your Mum when she was pregnant? It's much harder to have a healthy coparenting relationship with someone who has betrayed & disrespected you! I thought that you said you love your wife. Are you considering divorce just because it's easier than doing the work? Do you really think that you can be faithful & loyal to anyone? From everything you've written so far I can't imagine you having a stable relationship anytime soon. Is your OW happy with you shagging around on her if you (against all odds) remain together? You've already learn how hard it is to be an adulterer & not catch feelings. If your OW is one of those women who stupidly believes that you're only a cheat because you married the wrong woman she's going to be very disappointed. I know she seems like the easy option because she's not going to give you a hard time like your wife FOR NOW but once the dust has settled, she will NEVER trust you! Oh you don't care, not really. Oh! But do I REALLY NEED to tell my baby this??? There are certain things we just do not tell, if you had unplanned baby and didn't want it but eventually started to be happy about it - would you tell your kid "oh I didn't want you at first, but now it's all good"...?? Of course you STILL can tell this, but why. Life isn't only black and white. What I will do tell my baby is that yes, I fell in love with another woman, things like this happen. 1
Author Nathan234 Posted February 22, 2017 Author Posted February 22, 2017 she seems like the easy option because she's not going to give you a hard time like your wife FOR NOW but once the dust has settled, she will NEVER trust you! Oh you don't care, not really. We deal with many difficult situations and she is not an OPTION, she's not a thing, she's a person that I love so please do not talk with no respect about her. Maybe I am f*cked up and you have a problem with me but please leave her alone. 1
ShatteredLady Posted February 22, 2017 Posted February 22, 2017 We deal with many difficult situations and she is not an OPTION, she's not a thing, she's a person that I love so please do not talk with no respect about her. Maybe I am f*cked up and you have a problem with me but please leave her alone. You're the one saying that you love 2 women. You're the one who stated that you don't have a problem with ONS. You're the one who has turned 2 women into OPTIONS....love & marriage shouldn't be like this & you know it! Don't you lecture me about respecting people, PLEASE, that's bizarre! Saying that I don't believe you will be faithful to EITHER & your OW will NOT trust you is considering her human feelings. It's called empathy. 1
ShatteredLady Posted February 22, 2017 Posted February 22, 2017 What I will do tell my baby is that yes, I fell in love with another woman, things like this happen. "things like this happen" when you have no boundaries & shag around on your pregnant wife. This isn't some accident. This isn't fate doing this to you. YOU did this! My "problem" is you see nothing wrong in having meaningless sex with other women when you have a PREGNANT WIFE at home that you claim to love. You see the only 'problem' arising because you caught feelings for your OW. Most people in the world see a problem with your logic & your behavior. Cheating on your pregnant wife, who you claim to love, is incredibly low but you don't state that you see it that way. 1
Author Nathan234 Posted February 22, 2017 Author Posted February 22, 2017 "things like this happen" when you have no boundaries & shag around on your pregnant wife. This isn't some accident. This isn't fate doing this to you. YOU did this! My "problem" is you see nothing wrong in having meaningless sex with other women when you have a PREGNANT WIFE at home that you claim to love. You see the only 'problem' arising because you caught feelings for your OW. Most people in the world see a problem with your logic & your behavior. Cheating on your pregnant wife, who you claim to love, is incredibly low but you don't state that you see it that way. It wasn't meaningless actually, it was meaningful so maybe that's why I see it differently. 1
Author Nathan234 Posted February 22, 2017 Author Posted February 22, 2017 But anyway, I spent way too much time here today. I am going back to the reality and deal with life. And I have a lot to deal with, have a nice afternoon/evening everyone. 1
wmacbride Posted February 22, 2017 Posted February 22, 2017 I get you, but my baby is only two months, I will make sure he's not affected. It really doesn't have to be this way, I know what I'm talking about because I was growing out with no father in the house (my parents had split), but we have an amazing relationship and they both have different partners and I am perfectly okay with it. My dad was very present in my life, I believe it's only up to me and my wife how things will look like, don't you think? That's what my husband thought when he had an affair He didn't think it would affect them. Boy, was he wrong. At first, either of us told them what happened, but they heard about it anyway and asked me. I still hate that I lied to them, and that they knew I was lying. My husband told them the truth about what he had done, and explained how sorry he was. Event though he took responsibility for his actions, they still affected them. they are tees now, and don;t trust romantic relationships. Your child will see you as the model of what men act like. you are their role model, and even if you are not aware of it, they are watching your every move- and learning. I know you think your upbringing didn't affect you, but look at your life and the way it is now. You cheated on your pregnant wife, and are now contemplating divorce and how it will impact your child. You were willing to risk potential harm to your wife and unborn child because you felt entitled to chase after your ow, so it would seem that you learned to put your happiness above anything and everyone else. as further food for thought, read the responses to this thread..it can be very sobering http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/590549-does-having-parents-who-cheat-affect-children your child may be just a baby now but time goes by really fast, and before long, he will become far more aware of your relationship with his mom. it won't take much for him to figure out you had an affair, and that it hurt her. What explanation will you have for this? 1
stillafool Posted February 22, 2017 Posted February 22, 2017 When do you plan to break the news to your wife?
ShatteredLady Posted February 22, 2017 Posted February 22, 2017 It wasn't meaningless actually, it was meaningful so maybe that's why I see it differently. You wanted (quote) "I just wanted to have some fun with no commitment" But then I caught feelings.... if you hadn't chased "some fun" you wouldn't have caught feelings & made it into something meaningful! Why do some WS talk about the thick of the affair as if they'd just been dropped in there by 'fate'. It's a choice. 2
waterwoman Posted February 22, 2017 Posted February 22, 2017 sounds to me like you have already made up your mind. You leap to defend your lover but are indifferent to the fate of your wife. poor woman 3
Mr. Lucky Posted February 22, 2017 Posted February 22, 2017 I actually didn't chose yet. When do you plan to break the news to your wife? Kind of ironic that, if the OP picks her, she's really the loser. And if he picks the OW, Mrs. Nathan234 will actually be better off in the long run. Too bad the BS can't make her own informed choice... Mr. Lucky 6
BaileyB Posted February 22, 2017 Posted February 22, 2017 I just can't imagine, having a two month old child and my husband comes from work one day to say "I've been having an affair with another woman and I think I love her - I don't know what to do or who to choose..." This is supposed to be the happiest (and most stressful) of times in life, and your behavior would just take all the joy out of the experience for me... you would be out the door before you even finished your story. To do this to a pregnant woman and a new mother... It's just hard to comprehend. Your poor wife. She didn't deserve this. 5
somanymistakes Posted February 22, 2017 Posted February 22, 2017 I worry that if we emphasize how hurt she'll be, he'll go back to "maybe I shouldn't tell her and should just keep lying."
BaileyB Posted February 22, 2017 Posted February 22, 2017 I worry that if we emphasize how hurt she'll be, he'll go back to "maybe I shouldn't tell her and should just keep lying." Oh, I definitely hope not. He should tell her, she deserves to know the truth about her own marriage. But hopefully someday, he will gain some understanding and remorse for how hurtful his decisions have been... Perhaps even tonight when he sees the look on her face after she learns the truth.
stillafool Posted February 22, 2017 Posted February 22, 2017 I hope he tells his W asap. She deserves to know the truth that her husband is in love with another woman. It is going to hurt like hell and especially with a newborn infant. She is a young woman and deserves to be with a man who will love and cherish her. If OP can't do it he is best out of her life but never out of his sons.
wmacbride Posted February 23, 2017 Posted February 23, 2017 Oh! But do I REALLY NEED to tell my baby this??? There are certain things we just do not tell, if you had unplanned baby and didn't want it but eventually started to be happy about it - would you tell your kid "oh I didn't want you at first, but now it's all good"...?? Of course you STILL can tell this, but why. Life isn't only black and white. What I will do tell my baby is that yes, I fell in love with another woman, things like this happen. Your son is going to see that om was hurt. As he gets older, he'll be able to figure out the date he was born the date you and his mom divorced,and the approximate date you started seeing your ow. I agree with the others who are telling you that your wife and son deserve better. At least if you divorce, they will be able to move on and find happiness with someone else. 1
Whoknew30 Posted February 23, 2017 Posted February 23, 2017 Your son is going to see that om was hurt. As he gets older, he'll be able to figure out the date he was born the date you and his mom divorced,and the approximate date you started seeing your ow. I agree with the others who are telling you that your wife and son deserve better. At least if you divorce, they will be able to move on and find happiness with someone else. What do you mean "they can find happiness with someone else" bc he's cheating on his wife doesn't mean another man gets to be his father...bc someone is bad in a relationship doesn't equal them a bad parent. My dad cheated, bad husband, awesome dad. A parent becomes a bad parent when they put their kid to the side, not bc they choose to leave their spouse. 1
aileD Posted February 23, 2017 Posted February 23, 2017 What do you mean "they can find happiness with someone else" bc he's cheating on his wife doesn't mean another man gets to be his father...bc someone is bad in a relationship doesn't equal them a bad parent. My dad cheated, bad husband, awesome dad. A parent becomes a bad parent when they put their kid to the side, not bc they choose to leave their spouse. agree....but hard truth. Kid is 2 months old. OP divorces wife and is a great dad.....but BS remarries when the kid is say, 3....that kid is going to grow up with a stepfather being there every night at dinner, every bedtime, every morning, etc...while OP is only going to be there on the days he has visitation. He can still be a good dad, but where his kid is so young he is likely to grow up feeling like stepdad raised him. It's a harsh reality of divorce. I remember my dad being upset that I wanted my stepfather and him to both walk me down the aisle. But my stepdad was just as much a dad to me as my real dad who I saw only on weekends/every other weekend. 2
aileD Posted February 23, 2017 Posted February 23, 2017 For most of you guys the situation is easy and decision is obvious, but not for me, suddenly. I really fell for this woman, like I mentioned before, this has not been planned, at all. I've never cheated before, I've never even thought about different women, no chance. She has something in her that can't stop me from seeing her (no, no body or sex). I think of her most of the time.... So, there's the wife I have chosen and a "mistress" I've chosen to see, I normally have no problem with making decisions and I'm quite stable but this makes me weak as hell. Maybe marriage isn't for me, maybe I felt pressure to actually get married - these are just my guesses. If I tell me wife, she will definitely get mad and hurt, but she won't be an ******* for not letting me to see my son, that's for sure, she knows he's my world and I love him so much. Do I consider divorce? Yes. Do I want to hurt anyone? No... And that stops me from taking any actions. wow. You really have no idea the damage that an affair can do to a person and how they're going to react. Your wife is a nice person. I'm sure she knows you love her son. But that all changes when she finds out that you're with another woman and THAT woman didn't give a sh*t about the welfare and family of your child. Trust me, I've been there. I know my husband loved my kids but there was no way in HELL that they were going to be around a woman who saw them hurt and didn't care about that. I could not remove my husband from their lives but if I could have, I would have at that time because he was causing them too much pain as well. Everything changes when YOU ARE NO LONGER THE MAN SHE THOUGHT YOU WERE. It's not going to be civil That is all in your head. You feel the same way my husband felt about his affair partner. He was completely lost in the fantasy of it all. Completely. He left to go be with her. I won't go into all the drama and details but ....He's home now and she's alone. You sound so much like him. Sigh. do what you have to do.....You will have a harsh reality though...just be prepared for it. I feel bad for your wife and kid 2
Whoknew30 Posted February 23, 2017 Posted February 23, 2017 agree....but hard truth. Kid is 2 months old. OP divorces wife and is a great dad.....but BS remarries when the kid is say, 3....that kid is going to grow up with a stepfather being there every night at dinner, every bedtime, every morning, etc...while OP is only going to be there on the days he has visitation. He can still be a good dad, but where his kid is so young he is likely to grow up feeling like stepdad raised him. It's a harsh reality of divorce. I remember my dad being upset that I wanted my stepfather and him to both walk me down the aisle. But my stepdad was just as much a dad to me as my real dad who I saw only on weekends/every other weekend. Why only visitation? That's where parents mess up & put their kids to the side. My H & I separated for almost a year, it was open custody. Our child got to pick when & where she wanted to see us & even if we had divorced, it would have continued the same way. My sister Inlaw had been divorced for years & her & her ex hate each other, the kids see both of them everyday & the parents both are remarried. The only time when "visitation" comes into play is bc the parents aren't putting their kids first & allowing their own feelings & issues get in the way. People are fully capable of figuring out custody on their own but put their own crap in front of their kids...unless actual abuse, their isn't any reason a child should have to deal with only visitation from either parent. OP...yes it's wrong to have an A but if you're truly not happy, you have to choose for yourself what you really want & or you'll continue to be lying to everyone & it's no way to live, not just for your BW but your own wellbeing...good luck
Recommended Posts