Fell for my mistress but I love my wife...

[seren]

Nathan, here's something to think about. A pregnant woman's body goes through monumental changes to grow that little baby, yours and hers. The woman has to endure feeling sick, being sick, feeling pain from back ache, pressure on her bladder, feeling like a beached whale, feeling fat and unattractive, while loving her body for providing the place her child and your child can grow. If sex was boring you might want to think about exactly her body has been through. Your role while she was doing this, should have been to love her, make her feel desirable, share those special moments when the baby moves, do nice things for her, help her paint her toenails when she cannot bend to do it, rub her aching back, all the million and one things the Dad to be does to show his love for the mother of his baby. You chose to have an affair. The time you could have spent with your wife was spent sneaking around with another woman because your sex life bored you. What a prize you are (not).

 

If you no longer love your wife (you say you do) then tell her and give her the option to consider what she wants. If she chooses to leave, which she probably will, then make plans to be a good co parent. I wonder if you have thought that she too would be finding her sex life boring too, maybe you should have upped your game to ensure it hadn't got to that stage instead of looking for it elsewhere. But, what is done is done, now to step up and make things right, tell your wife, be prepared to move out, maybe in with the other woman. It might continue to be exciting or it might not, but she will at least know that when things get boring you will be looking for excitement elsewhere so she will be prepared for that, unlike your wife who has no idea you are going elsewhere.

 

it is impossible to give 100% to your marriage and to your new role as Dad when you are heavily invested in an affair. Time to step up, tell your wife so she can make an informed choice or maybe she can go get her excitement elsewhere too, how does that sit with you?

[Ruffian1]

If she chooses to leave, which she probably will,

 

This is the whole core of why cheaters hide the AP. He wants the power and control, to decide if and when he choses to be with just one of them.

 

BS finding out upsets that control.

[ShatteredLady]

This is NOT 2 days not contacting the OW!

 

"When my baby was born, I spent the whole 2 days in the hospital don't really contacting my mistress, the first month was crazy, we haven't been seeing each other as much, she is very understanding which impress me. My wife is a very good mother, I'm glad that we have a baby together, I know it was a right choice."

 

 

Look OP, if you were single or in an open marriage AND HONEST....AND not looking for help on forums!....I'd think "He's happy. Everyone knows what they're getting. He travels & sleeps around. So what?" BUT that's not what's going on here.

 

Why not divorce? Your child is very young. Your wife will find a stepdad who really wants them. You can visit with your child, buy gifts, have fun days out & the step dad can provide the stability, morals, love, loyalty, FAMILY etc.

 

Why not be true to you?

 

Unless you're in your early 20's your views of women, selfishness & promiscuity are pretty set. I know men like you. This 'catching feelings' happens no matter how hard you try to just shag around. That gets complicated & stressful. Isn't the whole idea of your kind of cheating meant to be easy fun & games?

[sandylee1]

I don't know what love means to you, but to me it's not my husband chasing another woman for years and then having an affair with her.

 

Would you believe she loved you, if she'd been having an affair for a year?

 

The double life will catch up with you and your wife will see everything that happened in your lives as a lie.

 

She'll think back to her pregnancy and birth of the baby and realise you were seeing another woman all that time. She won't know whether anything you say is true.

 

It would be best you lead a single life, as you don't take marriage seriously. You married who you thought was wife and mother of your children material, but you aren't husband or father material. You're an imposter right now.

 

Give your wife a chance to meet a real man who will be faithful and be a role model for your son, as you're not able to lead by example.

 

You want the status of being a responsible, mature married family man, but you've conned your wife and her family, by presenting the fake you.

 

In the words of Eminem........

"Will the real Nathan please stand up?"

[darkmoon]

do not divorce, do not be a part-time dad, seen a toddler really cry thier eyes out while begging dad not to go

 

"see you next week" was just too sophisticated for the crying little nipper

[Nathan234]

For most of you guys the situation is easy and decision is obvious, but not for me, suddenly. I really fell for this woman, like I mentioned before, this has not been planned, at all. I've never cheated before, I've never even thought about different women, no chance. She has something in her that can't stop me from seeing her (no, no body or sex). I think of her most of the time.... So, there's the wife I have chosen and a "mistress" I've chosen to see, I normally have no problem with making decisions and I'm quite stable but this makes me weak as hell. Maybe marriage isn't for me, maybe I felt pressure to actually get married - these are just my guesses.

 

If I tell me wife, she will definitely get mad and hurt, but she won't be an ******* for not letting me to see my son, that's for sure, she knows he's my world and I love him so much. Do I consider divorce? Yes. Do I want to hurt anyone? No... And that stops me from taking any actions.

Edited February 22, 2017 by Nathan234

[Noideanow]

But you do Hurt "someone right Now and that is yourself and the woman, that is your prioritazion Now that you sacrifize the two of you, so in a way you place your wifes feelings above yours is she more important than the love you have with that woman the future you could have, i If i were your wife would want you to be happy and If i couldt give it to you or you fell for another woman i would embrace you for telling the truth and set us both free and mourn the loss, its in both of yours interest

[BaileyB]

For most of you guys the situation is easy and decision is obvious, but not for me, suddenly. I really fell for this woman, like I mentioned before, this has not been planned, at all. I've never cheated before, I've never even thought about different women, no chance. She has something in her that can't stop me from seeing her (no, no body or sex). I think of her most of the time.... So, there's the wife I have chosen and a "mistress" I've chosen to see, I normally have no problem with making decisions and I'm quite stable but this makes me weak as hell. Maybe marriage isn't for me, maybe I felt pressure to actually get married - these are just my guesses.

 

If I tell me wife, she will definitely get mad and hurt, but she won't be an ******* for not letting me to see my son, that's for sure, she knows he's my world and I love him so much. Do I consider divorce? Yes. Do I want to hurt anyone? No... And that stops me from taking any actions.

 

Nathan, you are already hurting someone, your wife just doesn't know it. Stop playing the victim. Be a man of integrity and make a decision.

[Nathan234]

Nathan, you are already hurting someone, your wife just doesn't know it. Stop playing the victim. Be a man of integrity and make a decision.

 

That's what I'm talking about, she doesn't know it and it's better this way, she's not hurting....

[BaileyB]

She is hurting though... The man to whom she is devoting her life, having his children, and building a future is BANGING ANOTHER WOMAN BEHIND HER BACK. If you think that is not hurtful, just because she doesn't know it's happening, you are seriously misguided.

 

The memory of her pregnancy and the birth of her child will forever be tarnished when she learns the truth and realizes that you were chasing another woman during, what should have been, a very special time for you both.

 

If I was your wife, I would want you to tell me. I would send you on your way and wish you every happiness with the other woman and we would coparent together. I would want to be free to find another man who will love me the way that I deserve to be loved.

 

Or better yet, tell her so that she can go out and find someone else to love on the side... how would you feel about that? Would that be acceptable to you? What's good for the goose, should be good for the gander, right? Maybe she already has someone she's sleeping with, but she just hasn't told you yet because she doesn't think you deserve to know - she doesn't want to hurt you....

 

What you are doing right now may seem alright in your mind, because somehow you think I you are protecting your wife from the hard reality that her marriage is a farse and her husband is a lying cheat. But, what you are doing is selfish and lacks morality and integrity.

 

Sorry to be harsh, but you are living in your own dreamland right now where you get to have everything you want, at the expense of your family. It doesn't work that way.

Edited February 22, 2017 by BaileyB

[somanymistakes]

By not telling her, you compound the hurt. It's not just that you stepped out on her, it's not just that you have feelings for someone else, it's not just that you're theoretically putting her at risk without her knowledge... but beyond all that, you don't trust her and you don't respect her.

 

Your wife is not a small child who needs the real world hidden from her. She deserves the right to make her own informed choices. Unless she has specifically told you she wants a "don't ask don't tell" scenario with regards to fidelity (and some people actually DO have this agreement in their marriages!) she has an expectation of truthfulness.

 

Yes, it is possible to love more than one person. Some people even happily have long-term relationships with multiple people, everyone knowing about it, all three or four or whatever living together, everyone content. But this is not that, because that requires honesty and trust.

 

If you can't be honest and open even with your wife, you may be right that marriage isn't for you.

[somanymistakes]

(This message posted twice for some reason, net lag I think)

Edited February 22, 2017 by somanymistakes
dupe

[whichwayisup]

For most of you guys the situation is easy and decision is obvious, but not for me, suddenly. I really fell for this woman, like I mentioned before, this has not been planned, at all. I've never cheated before, I've never even thought about different women, no chance. She has something in her that can't stop me from seeing her (no, no body or sex). I think of her most of the time.... So, there's the wife I have chosen and a "mistress" I've chosen to see, I normally have no problem with making decisions and I'm quite stable but this makes me weak as hell. Maybe marriage isn't for me, maybe I felt pressure to actually get married - these are just my guesses.

 

If I tell me wife, she will definitely get mad and hurt, but she won't be an ******* for not letting me to see my son, that's for sure, she knows he's my world and I love him so much. Do I consider divorce? Yes. Do I want to hurt anyone? No... And that stops me from taking any actions.

 

But your NON actions are hurting everybody, yes even you, but your wife isn't aware of the impending pain that lays ahead. It's only a matter of time before she finds out, whether she does on her own or if someone tells her. I'm sure she knows something and her gut is screaming something is 'off' with you but figures no way would you cheat and have an affair.

 

Are you re writing your marital history because of what you feel for this OW? Be honest with yourself.

[aliveagain]

I can almost predict what will happen next. Your affair partner, planned or not will become pregnant. If you think your life is complicated now, it is about to get a lot worse. I think every single poster to your thread has told you to let one of these women go, you say that you will not do that. You need to see a professional counselor because you are going to permanently hurt a lot of people and you need to get out of this situation before you do more damage.

[Nathan234]

I can almost predict what will happen next. Your affair partner, planned or not will become pregnant. If you think your life is complicated now, it is about to get a lot worse. I think every single poster to your thread has told you to let one of these women go, you say that you will not do that. You need to see a professional counselor because you are going to permanently hurt a lot of people and you need to get out of this situation before you do more damage.

 

Actually, all these messages opened my eyes. I will definitely tell my wife what's going on, she has a right to know. And you're right, decision has to be made.

[Nathan234]

Do you plan to tell your wife your complete truth or a minimizing version of what you've done?

 

No, no more lies, I will tell her everything... I have to prepare for the worst.

[wmacbride]

For most of you guys the situation is easy and decision is obvious, but not for me, suddenly. I really fell for this woman, like I mentioned before, this has not been planned, at all. I've never cheated before, I've never even thought about different women, no chance. She has something in her that can't stop me from seeing her (no, no body or sex). I think of her most of the time.... So, there's the wife I have chosen and a "mistress" I've chosen to see, I normally have no problem with making decisions and I'm quite stable but this makes me weak as hell. Maybe marriage isn't for me, maybe I felt pressure to actually get married - these are just my guesses.

 

If I tell me wife, she will definitely get mad and hurt, but she won't be an ******* for not letting me to see my son, that's for sure, she knows he's my world and I love him so much. Do I consider divorce? Yes. Do I want to hurt anyone? No... And that stops me from taking any actions.

 

Please stop flattering yourself.

 

You say you love your child, yet you are doing the one thing that has a incredibly high chance of destroying their life because you feel entitled to cheat?

 

How does that even begin to equate?

[wmacbride]

But you do Hurt "someone right Now and that is yourself and the woman, that is your prioritazion Now that you sacrifize the two of you, so in a way you place your wifes feelings above yours is she more important than the love you have with that woman the future you could have, i If i were your wife would want you to be happy and If i couldt give it to you or you fell for another woman i would embrace you for telling the truth and set us both free and mourn the loss, its in both of yours interest

 

The truth is, in spite of all his flowery words, he doesn't love anyone here...except maybe himself.

 

As for his ow, what sort of a woman sleeps with a man with a pregnant wife? She sounds like a real winner.

[whichwayisup]

No, no more lies, I will tell her everything... I have to prepare for the worst.

 

Good. At least this way she can decide if she wants to stay or go. I hope you're completely honest, even if it hurts her. Since you are in love with the OW and think your marriage is a mistake your wife needs to know that too. Why waste more of her time and years in the marriage if you want someone else?

[Nathan234]

Please stop flattering yourself.

 

You say you love your child, yet you are doing the one thing that has a incredibly high chance of destroying their life because you feel entitled to cheat?

 

How does that even begin to equate?

 

Why do you think me cheating will destroy his life?

[wmacbride]

No, no more lies, I will tell her everything... I have to prepare for the worst.

You're not getting it.

It's not about you or what's easiest for you.

 

You have dragged two people into this situation who never asked to be there. Right now, they should be your priority. You don't love your wife they way a woman deserves to be loved, so if you have any feeling for her at all, let her go and find happiness with someone else.

 

btw, neither you are your ow were dragged into this You both chose to have an A, so don't blame your wife, your marriage or anything else besides you and your ow. You are both responsible for any negative fallout.

 

btw, int he years to come, your child will figure out, with very little trouble at all, why his parent's marriage is over. The questions are going to come along sooner than you think, so you'd be well served by getting some answers ready. What will you say when you are asked why you cheated on mom?

[anika99]

That's what I'm talking about, she doesn't know it and it's better this way, she's not hurting....

 

Well if you think it's better that your wife not find out and feel pain then you should immediately end the affair so that your wife never finds out. It's pretty twisted of you to believe that you are protecting your wife by screwing around on her behind her back. If you want to protect your wife then stop taking risks that will destroy her.

[wmacbride]

Why do you think me cheating will destroy his life?

 

I say this because, in spite of what many want to believe, divorce is hard on a child.

I've been married a long time, and have three teenage kids. Most of their friends have parents who are divorced, and just form talking with them, I've learned just how crappy it can make a child feel.

 

It's not for lack of trying on the part of both parents, as all of them have mothers and fathers who do their best to give them a good life.

 

To illustrate this, I'll you Emily ( not her real name) as an example. He om and dad separated ad divorced when she was very young, so it's really all she knows. It's really hard on her, as she lives with her mom during the week and spends the weekends with her dad. That means that she has to go between two homes, and because her dad lives about an hour away, she misses out on doing things with her friends. She hates having to go between two houses, and isn't fond of having to share her dad with his new wife and her stepsisters, who live with them full time. These are just a few of the areas that make her life difficult. Along with this, her dad doesn't like that she has a step father, even though he treats her well.

 

My point is that you say you are happy with your ow, but please don't flatter yourself to think that your happiness will matter to anyone but you. If you really don't want to be with your wife, then don't, as an unhappy home isn't good for a child. Just don't pretend that, because getting a divorce will leave you free to be with your ow that will make everything hunky dory for everyone else. Your wife and child are going to pay a steep price for your happiness.

[wmacbride]

You're not getting it.

It's not about you or what's easiest for you.

 

You have dragged two people into this situation who never asked to be there. Right now, they should be your priority. You don't love your wife they way a woman deserves to be loved, so if you have any feeling for her at all, let her go and find happiness with someone else.

 

btw, neither you are your ow were dragged into this You both chose to have an A, so don't blame your wife, your marriage or anything else besides you and your ow. You are both responsible for any negative fallout.

 

btw, int he years to come, your child will figure out, with very little trouble at all, why his parent's marriage is over. The questions are going to come along sooner than you think, so you'd be well served by getting some answers ready. What will you say when you are asked why you cheated on mom?

 

children are smarter than some give them credit for. don;t be surprised when yours figures it all out and is none too happy.

[ShatteredLady]

PLEASE don't tell your wife, watch her shatter, promise to fix things & carry-on shagging around with your mistress!!

 

Fake reconcilliation is a cruel, cruel abuse.

 

If a man said that he was beating his wife everyday & intended continuing to beat her you would be horrified (I'm assuming that you have some morals & standards left). Why do you not see what you're doing as abuse?

 

Wait until you watch your wife implode. Wait until your child is screaming & crying. Oh I don't even know if that will make any difference to you....

 

You seem to be so far from 'getting-it' it's tragic really. Were you raised in a very messed-up family? I'm wondering why you're so utterly lacking in any human compassion or empathy.

 

I hope you're not wondering the same of your son when he's a teenager!