Author Jj66 Posted February 16, 2017 Author Posted February 16, 2017 So a practical matter. I have never had a Facebook relationship before with a profile pic of the couple or a relationship status or anything similar. The profile pic on FB is a temp Valentine's pic of her and me that will expire in a few days and revert to my previous one that does not have her in it. Do I leave it up until it silently reverts or change it now which would generate a message to my friends. FB automatically changed my status to "its complicated" I guess she probably changed hers and that broke the link. I'll just hide my relationship status so it doesn't show on profile views.
Popsicle Posted February 16, 2017 Posted February 16, 2017 Hide the relationship status and keep the Vday pic up until it auto changes. 1
KBob Posted February 16, 2017 Posted February 16, 2017 Yes, hide the relationship status and let the pic auto change. Don't give her the satisfaction of seeing you sweat. 3
Author Jj66 Posted February 16, 2017 Author Posted February 16, 2017 Do I just ignore the email or reply wishing her well. I'm leaning toward ignore. The only things of hers that I have is a key and a travel coffee mug. Send them back tomorrow (and beat her to the punch) or wait until later?
Lilyana76 Posted February 16, 2017 Posted February 16, 2017 Personally I wouldn't respond to the email. Just let it go. I'd send the stuff back ASAP. 3
Sweetfish Posted February 16, 2017 Posted February 16, 2017 Do I just ignore the email or reply wishing her well. I'm leaning toward ignore. The only things of hers that I have is a key and a travel coffee mug. Send them back tomorrow (and beat her to the punch) or wait until later? Sorry JJ I just got done reading from the last time I posted. Its really hard to see whats going on sometimes when your in love. Lucky you've been on the site for a while and know that now you need to stand your ground and go no contact. I would ignore all her emails and as others said as above.. she is a mess now. Do not beg or plead nor try to figure out what happened. Don't get angry or cry in her presence. Thank her for the relationship and WALK AWAY. Its the only thing you can do... you have no control over her actions. 1
Author Jj66 Posted February 16, 2017 Author Posted February 16, 2017 Now a Facebook friend request this morning. Guess she unfriended me during the night and now regrets it. I know she was hurt badly from something I said and then she overreacted. But damn, I don't like this drama at all. Seven pages on here. And starting to spill over into the world of our friends. I refuse to be one of those couples that sucks their friends into their drama. Absolutely refuse. The reason I posted on here instead of seeking support from friends is so that I wouldn't tarnish her image to our mutual friends. I have a swirl of emotions and confusion right now.
Gaeta Posted February 16, 2017 Posted February 16, 2017 I could not believe what I was reading this morning! With everything that has unfolded so far I have a new intake on this relationship. JJ, this woman was taking you for granted. She dismissed you several times in this thread and she had no fear doing so. She knew you were more invested in this relationship and thought you'd never put your foot down. That is why when you told her to go back home she had an OH SH$T moment and started emailing you and now sending a friend request. When you told her to go back home it was amazing to read it !! Bravo! Who does she think she is coming to your door crying and then telling you to not touch her and you don't care. Well, she thought she could turn the table and make you beg her, it didn't work didn't it ! This woman does not have the level of respect toward you to make it long term. Her little circus about you should be with kathy is material for a teen novel. She said that hoping you'd reply she is the one you want blahblah. It's pure emotional manipulation. I am sorry you are hurt. Don't do anything and let the dust fall down. Soon you'll have a clearer view of her and your relationship. 3
anna121 Posted February 16, 2017 Posted February 16, 2017 Ignore the text. When you get the things back, send her an email confirming receipt, and "thanks". Do not re-friend her. Personally, I would block. Maybe even today. Lather. Rinse. Repeat. This is WAY beyond the pale. I can't imagine being in a rel-ship with someone this emotionally unstable. 4
anna121 Posted February 16, 2017 Posted February 16, 2017 Oops forgot to add - send her things back once you get yours. No drama.
elaine567 Posted February 16, 2017 Posted February 16, 2017 She was not happy you went out with Kathy that is obvious, hence the jibe "you and Kathy would be perfect for each other. She's so warm and loving. She's wonderful and would be a great match for you" and hence the "no touch" attitude too. That was jealousy and you were supposed to respond with reassuring words, only you decided to "rip her throat out" instead... I am unsure really why you decided to make a huge deal out off the April 6th incident in the first place and why you kept on escalating it by the silent treatment, by shutting down the apps, and by the pissed off bf routine. YOU killed it, and that may be what you really want, but after a great time at the week-end, I am left wondering why? I am guessing this was a power struggle. YOU were disappointed by her reaction to your GRAND anniversary gesture, AND she didn't act the way you wanted AND I feel you got somewhat fired up by posters on here, AND you still hold a grudge over the "driving for an hour" incident too. SO taking all that into account you decided to dole out enough "punishment" to make her walk. I could be very wrong, but I think you may regret this in the cold light of day. 5
ishe23 Posted February 16, 2017 Posted February 16, 2017 What I notice on these relationship forums is that almost everyone gives the easiest advice - leave. Nobody communicates anymore in an adult way. It's easier to just leave and find somebody else. Reality is, it's not easy to find someone. If you still love her and thinks she's worth it, I'd say you both need to cool off and talk to each other again. It sounds like both of you lost your tempers.
JuneL Posted February 16, 2017 Posted February 16, 2017 Wow that is a lot of drama for two mature adults!!
WaitingForBardot Posted February 16, 2017 Posted February 16, 2017 She was not happy you went out with Kathy that is obvious, hence the jibe "you and Kathy would be perfect for each other. She's so warm and loving. She's wonderful and would be a great match for you" and hence the "no touch" attitude too. That was jealousy and you were supposed to respond with reassuring words, only you decided to "rip her throat out" instead... I am unsure really why you decided to make a huge deal out off the April 6th incident in the first place and why you kept on escalating it by the silent treatment, by shutting down the apps, and by the pissed off bf routine. YOU killed it, and that may be what you really want, but after a great time at the week-end, I am left wondering why? I am guessing this was a power struggle. YOU were disappointed by her reaction to your GRAND anniversary gesture, AND she didn't act the way you wanted AND I feel you got somewhat fired up by posters on here, AND you still hold a grudge over the "driving for an hour" incident too. SO taking all that into account you decided to dole out enough "punishment" to make her walk. I could be very wrong, but I think you may regret this in the cold light of day. With the exception of the first paragraph, which I think is better left judged by other women, I concur with the rest of Elaine567's assessment. Yes it's harsh, but judging by what you've posted, also fair.
lionlover1973 Posted February 16, 2017 Posted February 16, 2017 This all stemmed from not spending the day together of your anniversary - in which you would in fact celebrate it in the days after? Her reasoning for not being available on the day of, could be truthful or an indication of something more ominous. Was it controlling to remind her that it was all up to her if we were going to see each other? Hmmm. Sounds a bit unreasonable/unfair. If she wants to see me before then she will have to come see me. I will not meet you at the bar before talking so don't even bother coming up here if you're not willing to talk. I told her it wasn't negotiable. That she should not to bother coming up at all if she wasn't willing to talk. Then I deleted any apps she might use to text me or that might tempt me to text her. Then I deleted whatsapp and Facebook from my phone so I wouldn't be tempted to reach out to her by stupid text messages. I agree. Discuss this in person. But - the majority of the 'terms' appear to be on your terms only, why so? You essentially shut down any/all form of communication that wasn’t deemed acceptable to you. Maybe she felt pigeonholed. In any event - she agreed to your terms and proceeds to visit you in person at your house. You dislike one or two comments and tell her to leave, that "she wasted a trip"? There doesn't appear to be any wiggle room in your decision(s) and no negotiating. Not that her behavior is perfect. None of this sounds very loving. 2
Gaeta Posted February 16, 2017 Posted February 16, 2017 She was not happy you went out with Kathy that is obvious, hence the jibe "you and Kathy would be perfect for each other. She's so warm and loving. She's wonderful and would be a great match for you" and hence the "no touch" attitude too. That was jealousy and you were supposed to respond with reassuring words, only you decided to "rip her throat out" instead... I am unsure really why you decided to make a huge deal out off the April 6th incident in the first place and why you kept on escalating it by the silent treatment, by shutting down the apps, and by the pissed off bf routine. YOU killed it, and that may be what you really want, but after a great time at the week-end, I am left wondering why? I am guessing this was a power struggle. YOU were disappointed by her reaction to your GRAND anniversary gesture, AND she didn't act the way you wanted AND I feel you got somewhat fired up by posters on here, AND you still hold a grudge over the "driving for an hour" incident too. SO taking all that into account you decided to dole out enough "punishment" to make her walk. I could be very wrong, but I think you may regret this in the cold light of day. I am 100% in agreement with the April 6th event was filled with none necessary drama on OP's part but as this thread developed we got to see an ugly side of her and that ugly side of her is really put in the open in post #68.
introverted1 Posted February 16, 2017 Posted February 16, 2017 Do I just ignore the email or reply wishing her well. I'm leaning toward ignore. The only things of hers that I have is a key and a travel coffee mug. Send them back tomorrow (and beat her to the punch) or wait until later? I would do neither. Mailing a key (presumably to the address it would unlock) is silly, especially considering how easy it is to make a duplicate. If she's worried, she can change her locks. A travel coffee mug is practical, not sentimental. She can replace it. Go NC. 2
Miss Peach Posted February 16, 2017 Posted February 16, 2017 I read the whole thread and it really seems to me that you both are nursing some hurts and it's just spiraling out of control. I see places on both sides where you both took things out of context rather than just be open and honest. Having said that, her parting shots and other comments are in no way mature. My XBF did some similar things to me after he was butthurt over some trivial things and let it fester rather than talk to me about it. He even gave me a parting shot just your GF did. I waked away because I just couldn't see how I could have a long, happy relationship with someone with such poor communication and conflict resolution skills. I would do neither. Mailing a key (presumably to the address it would unlock) is silly, especially considering how easy it is to make a duplicate. You mention you have a lot of common friends. Is there one that she may trust with this to return it?
Author Jj66 Posted February 16, 2017 Author Posted February 16, 2017 (edited) She was not happy you went out with Kathy that is obvious, hence the jibe "you and Kathy would be perfect for each other. She's so warm and loving. She's wonderful and would be a great match for you" and hence the "no touch" attitude too. That was jealousy and you were supposed to respond with reassuring words, only you decided to "rip her throat out" instead... I am unsure really why you decided to make a huge deal out off the April 6th incident in the first place and why you kept on escalating it by the silent treatment, by shutting down the apps, and by the pissed off bf routine. YOU killed it, and that may be what you really want, but after a great time at the week-end, I am left wondering why? I am guessing this was a power struggle. YOU were disappointed by her reaction to your GRAND anniversary gesture, AND she didn't act the way you wanted AND I feel you got somewhat fired up by posters on here, AND you still hold a grudge over the "driving for an hour" incident too. SO taking all that into account you decided to dole out enough "punishment" to make her walk. I could be very wrong, but I think you may regret this in the cold light of day. Excuse the long post. Part right. Part wrong. I actually did reassure her about Kathy. Left that part out in an already long post. The original dispute wasn't about April 6th. It was about her blunt sometimes rude style of rejection which is an ongoing pattern. I did still hold a grudge about driving an hour because it was never resolved. When I brought it up she responded with defensiveness and counter-claims. She never once acknowledged my feelings about it or apologized. The only thing she had ever said about it was it was a mistake to invite you. She finally apologized for that yesterday and I promised I would never mention it again. I did get fired up by some of the posters here to stand my ground more firmly than she is used to from me. Things spiraled out of control when she gave me the silent treatment in Valentine's Day and then refused to have any sober discussion about what was bothering me. I told her I did not like her avoidant behavior one bit. This was her trigger. I know because I have new information from this morning. She called me this morning and I took her call. She apologized in what seemed like the well considered apology of a mature woman. There was no 4 year old or teenage emotional stuff going on. We had a very good discussion. Nobody blamed anyone for anything. Each took ownership of different parts. She did explain what had been going on in her mind. It was long. Will try to recount the important bits. The avoidant comment had set her off to the Internet on her own researching the topic. She came to the belief that I thought she was defective. She took some tests on the Internet and discovered she actually did have a problematic levels of avoidant attachment. Reading further, she started worrying that her mothering style had screwed up her son too. She had him take the tests. He tested as secure. And she was happy about that. She had just found out while on the drive up. She called me to share. She recognized that she did have a problem. That's why she suggested she wasn't good for me and that I should be with Kathy instead. I told her no way. I would never choose Kathy over her, etc. I tried to talk about her good points. She rebuffed me saying she was defective and just not good for me. She hung up. Then with relief about her son priming the emotional well, anger toward me welled up in her. She blamed me for the extreme stress she had been experiencing about it. Blamed me that she was having to experience emotions that she wasn't comfortable feeling. This is why she rejected my efforts to comfort her. She just couldn't get over the feeling that I had told her she was defective and wasn't good enough for me even though it was something I had never actually said. She was completely shocked when I told her to go back home. But when she thought about it she knew I was right to do it. She was just going into a tirade and repeatedly violating established boundaries. Nothing good could have come from continuing it and she wasn't willing to let me deescalate. She said in the reverse case she absolutely would have told me to go home and don't come back until you are under control. She told me she values the relationship and values me as a person. She told me I am extremely good to her. That I treat her better than any man ever has. And I added, "well, except when I don't", which caused her to laugh. We agreed that we had both overreacted multiple times and that either of us could have stopped the snow ball. We recognized that the distance (50 miles) is a problem that has to be addressed. I told her that I'm too quick to let disappointment turn from hurt to anger. I would try to express myself better when I am disappointed and not let it boil over to anger. She said that recognizes that she is blunt and often rude because she doesn't consider others (might be more sensitive than she is). She saw that she had hurt another friend that very same day she came up. This friend had chosen a book for book club. The friend asked how she liked the book. My gf said bluntly, "I didn't like it." And left it at that. Then a third friend seeing the book chooser's hurt feelings jumped in to intercede. Then she recalled the stuff she had just read about being an avoidant and stepped in herself to try to salvage the situation. She added that she didn't really like science fiction. This turned it into a matter of taste instead of being critical of her friend's choice? She says she is starting to get the effect her behavior has on people. And she wants to work on it not just for talking with me but for everyone. She asked me if I would be willing to help her be a better person, a better partner. I said you are a good person. You don't need to be fixed. And I don't need to be fixed either. But we do both need to grow. She asked are we still a couple? I said you are the one who sent me a breakup letter and disconnected us on Facebook. I interpret that to mean you think we aren't and I know better than to argue with a woman. Laughter. She said she overreacted because of the shock of me telling her to leave my house. I said the whole 2 days has been one overreaction piled on top of another. I am willing to work at it. I am willing to help us be a better couple. I don't know if it will work. I hope it does. Whatever happens, we have had a very good year and we need to honor those good times by ending things on a good note. I've had enough drama in the last two days to last a lifetime. There can never be a repeat of this situation. And if you ever tell me we are broken up again it's final. There will be no recovering. Btw, she was in the nick of time. I had to take my son to the dentist late morning and I would have told him about the breakup. After that, there would have been no going back. Not going to teach my son that breaking up and getting back together is a good thing to be doing. I have no idea if this will last. I do love her. She also has a lot of good points that come along with her flaw. And maybe it's a fatal flaw. I will give it a few months and reassess. Edited February 16, 2017 by Jj66 6
anna121 Posted February 16, 2017 Posted February 16, 2017 Good luck. I mean that sincerely - I hope things work out. 2
elaine567 Posted February 16, 2017 Posted February 16, 2017 I am willing to work at it. I am willing to help us be a better couple. I don't know if it will work. I hope it does. . I am very glad to hear that. I guess you will be a lot stronger as a couple after this.
GemmaUK Posted February 16, 2017 Posted February 16, 2017 This isn't going to work. Too much drama on both sides - unless of course you like it - you appear to like it - not from what you say but how you act - what you post. Good luck! Don't text drunk again though! 4
Popsicle Posted February 16, 2017 Posted February 16, 2017 I haven't read this thread for a few hours so you've made up now? Hahahaha! Great! Welcome to the rollercoaster. 2
Sweetfish Posted February 16, 2017 Posted February 16, 2017 (edited) I am 100% in agreement with the April 6th event was filled with none necessary drama on OP's part but as this thread developed we got to see an ugly side of her and that ugly side of her is really put in the open in post #68. I disagree... he started to feel insecure because his gut feeling told him something was wrong and this reality unfolded. So it was necessary drama. Could he have handle it better... yes. But I believe she started to change thus, he reacted. Example: if your boyfriend starts coming home late suddenly every night... this is not consistant behavior. So this can trigger insecurity and doubt. I believe as you progress in a relationship both parties take each other for granted... they are just not always at the same time frame. If the OP didnt react how long would the girlfriend play GF.. months? Another year? Maybe cheat on him? The O.P. did good standing his ground Edited February 16, 2017 by Sweetfish
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