Kind of pissed off

[Popsicle]

The anniversary of the first date with my gf is April 6th. I was thinking I'd plan something very special but wanted to make sure she was free- or maybe more precisely that she wasn't already planning something - before I arranged something.

 

So, tonight I texted her to ask if she was free on April 6th. After a couple of hours (she was with friends at a movie) she texted back: "No. Sorry." "Going to say good night sweet dreams" "I love you"

 

I guess I should have left it that but I couldn't.

 

I texted back "Thursday, April 6th is the anniversary of our first date." She responded "yes, dear."

 

I said "well, what are you doing?"

 

She said "xxxx (my name), I'm busy doing girl things"

 

 

Unfortunately I responded sarcastically and said "whatever that means" then, not getting a reply, about 5 minutes later I said "if you're scheduled almost 2 months out it must be something important. I want to know what it is. This is an important day to me."

 

She replied "I'm spending the 8th, 9th, and half of the 10th with you and your children. I promised xxxxxx we would go out. I've not spent any time with her. We have plans. I'm turning off the lights now"

 

And I responded "goodnight then. I will talk to you later."

 

And then added "I want to talk about my feelings about this whole thing in person on Thursday" (the next time we are tigether)

 

She saw the message but did not respond.

 

About an hour later I texted "and what I can say right now over text is that I love you. Never doubt t that."

 

It was not delivered (her phone is apparently turned off- which she never does)

 

Now I'm finding myself pissed off about this whole exchange tonight after a lovely Valentine's weekend. Firstly, I'm kind of upset about her making plans for our "anniversary" without considering that I might want to do something. She was well aware of the date. Secondly, I'm most upset about the run-around I received when I asked her what her plans were.

 

Somebody please tell me I am in the wrong here to be hurt by this exchange.

 

You're not in the wrong!

But I would wait for the in person conversation and don't withhold your feelings.

I think you've handled it well thus far considering the circumstances. (I probably would have wrongly started an argument over text)

[Popsicle]

I'm pretty romantic and would want to acknowledge and celebrate my 1st year anniversary too and would be hurt if my partner didn't feel the same way, but like I said, I'm a romantic at heart, but over the years I've seen strong and healthy couples where one of them is an awesome partner, but just not the mushy type. And their romantic partner has become at peace with the fact that their partner loves them and shows it in many ways but not in the exact ways they do.

[ChatroomHero]

I could see it as not a big deal to her. But her responses would make me think she didn't really have any set plans but didn't want to make plans with you that day and was giving a general "I'm busy with stuff but can't think of anything so important that I have to book it weeks out" excuse.

 

 

In a situation like this I think texting is the wrong way to go. It can seem more aggressive and crappy than you might intend and leaves time between the discussion for you both to get angry over response times or unread messages, etc.

 

 

Frankly I would be ok if my gf told me she had plans or didn't think it was a very special occasion, but I would hope she would indicate she appreciated the thought and was more upfront about her plans. Even if she said she was going to already see you 3 days that week and 4 would be too much, I would not have an issue. My guess is she was giving you an excuse because she was committed to spending time with you and adding another day was a little too much, but she isn't being really honest about the reason.

[Jj66]

Her phone being turned off is a complete non-issue. I don't even think it was turned off. I was borrowing trouble. I looked at the time stamp of my "undelivered" message this morning. Her phone is scheduled to install updates and then automatically reboot every night at 11pm. I just happened to hit send at 11:02pm during the normally scheduled reboot.

[d0nnivain]

It's lovely that you want to celebrate the anniversary of the 1st date. Not many people do that. Some people think dating anniversaries are silly.

 

 

In light of the fact that you have a long weekend together planned around that time, have the celebration then.

 

 

You can feel hurt because the texts did seem blunt but she was admittedly tired She kept telling you she was going to sleep & you kept pestering her. You are also attributing tone to the text messages. Don't. They have no context & no ability to read non-verbal cues. Most communication is non verbal which is what makes text so bad.

 

 

Do speak to her when you see her. Express your hurt & dismay but don't escalate this tiff into a fight or you might not get to that anniversary.

 

 

Simply because you celebrate the occasion a few days later does not make it any less sweet or meaningful. Chose your battles wisely. This is not the issue to live & die on.

[Jj66]

It's lovely that you want to celebrate the anniversary of the 1st date. Not many people do that. Some people think dating anniversaries are silly.

 

 

In light of the fact that you have a long weekend together planned around that time, have the celebration then.

 

 

You can feel hurt because the texts did seem blunt but she was admittedly tired She kept telling you she was going to sleep & you kept pestering her. You are also attributing tone to the text messages. Don't. They have no context & no ability to read non-verbal cues. Most communication is non verbal which is what makes text so bad.

 

 

Do speak to her when you see her. Express your hurt & dismay but don't escalate this tiff into a fight or you might not get to that anniversary.

 

 

Simply because you celebrate the occasion a few days later does not make it any less sweet or meaningful. Chose your battles wisely. This is not the issue to live & die on.

 

I am sure we won't have a fight about celebrating the "anniversary" of our first date and first kiss. I'm well beyond that now that I've thought about it in the light of day without any wine coursing through my veins.

 

 

How could I improve here? I could have asked her if she would like to do X with me that day? Then she could answer me with I'd love to but I already made plans with xxxxxx, or something similar that at least recognized I had some feelings invested in the matter. Instead, by asking if she is available that evening I'm inviting a blunt yes or no response. And then I pestered her for a response to my question instead of letting things go.

 

But then again that's how our little periodic bluntness drama all got started. Months ago I was headed to the town where she was staying for a meeting with other people that she herself had set up. Just as I was getting into town she texted me that the meeting got cancelled because the other attendees were tired. I had driven an hour by then. I texted bummer. I'm already in town now. Would you like to get a drink with me. She simply replied "no thank you" and left it at that. After a couple of minutes of not getting any explanation or alternative suggestions or expressions of regret at all from her I texted her back "Ok heading back to [the town where I was staying]. Sweet dreams."

 

I was actually crushed by the bluntness of that rejection and briefly considered ending the relationship because of it. Don't get me wrong, I can handle rejection. But that type of bluntness about not wanting to see me and lack of consideration for my driving time from someone who professed to care about me really hurt. I didn't say anything to her about it at the time. Instead I buried it.

 

When something similar happened (in person, not over text) a couple months later, it all came out and we had our first and most serious fight. I told her that I perceived her responses as cold at best and sometimes very inconsiderate or even brutal. I told her I wouldn't like it in a business relationship and it's not the type of love relationship that I am willing to accept.

 

She thought I was breaking up with her. She teared and got up and said "I'll go now." I said please don't. I love you. We just need to make a course correction. Minor changes in the in the way we communicate would go a long way to avoiding this type of thing. We agreed to have monthly relationship check-ins and to be "brutally" honest in those. As a practical matter we agreed clothes on and no booze for the check-ins. We agreed that if a text exchange started causing hurt feelings or heading toward an argument we'd call each other if practical or ask to speak about it in person soon if not. We agreed that we were both free to say no to the other but when we did so to respond in ways that also showed we cared about the others feelings.

 

And things were great until I made a blunt comment over text. Not a rejection, but my bluntness about calling her out on something stung her pretty badly. It wasn't anything a short talk, an apology, and a lot of sex wasn't able to cure.

 

And then there was last night.

 

Those have been maybe 4 or 5 times I have been upset with her. A couple where she has been upset with me. And only once have we been upset with each other at the same time. Each and every time it has come from being inconsiderate of the others feelings. Her frequent bluntness. I've gotten used to it mostly. It's the way she is. Only sometimes do I get hurt about it. I was blunt in the way I called her out that time and then sometimes, like last night, I have pestered her for a response when she hasn't given one. I can think of two times I have pestered her for a response to my question. There have probably been more.

[Miss Peach]

My guess is that she didn't want to cancel on her friend and probably didn't realize how her bluntness came across.

 

I remember with my ex having the conversation where I was saying I wanted to check the time to get together and my xBF interpreted it as a rejection. With my current BF, when I've turned down time with him (even though he's done it to me) he freaks out.

 

I would just bring it up when you can talk in person. It sounds like a misunderstanding potentially.

[OnlyHonesty]

I see a clear imbalance in the relationship and it's not on your side. The problem is that all of your communication so far decreases attraction, adds pressure and is too serious.

 

Everything that you said will have the opposite outcome of what you intended it to have.

[Gaeta]

You were very passive aggressive in all of your communication with her.

 

You asked her about being free on the 6th, she is not, so it was up to you to suggest the 5th or what ever else it fitted you both. You are not teens anymore to be upset over not being together on a 1 year dating day. You got all butt hurt and accused her of not caring. Very ugly. Very unattractive. Don't get mad at me but all through reading your story I thought you are definitely the female in this relationship.

[Jj66]

Well perhaps.

 

I just got an email where said she had forgotten about a conference call Thursday evening. It was a forward of an email from one of her student teams and she used the word PROOF in all caps.

 

I responded back in whatsapp instead of replying to her email.

 

Xxxxx, you never need to send me proof of anything. I trust you. If there is ever a time when we can't trust each other to be truthful then we are already lost.

 

Of course I am disappointed.

 

I will see you at your place on the morning of the 24th if you can't make it up this way before then.

[Jj66]

You were very passive aggressive in all of your communication with her.

 

You asked her about being free on the 6th, she is not, so it was up to you to suggest the 5th or what ever else it fitted you both. You are not teens anymore to be upset over not being together on a 1 year dating day. You got all butt hurt and accused her of not caring. Very ugly. Very unattractive. Don't get mad at me but all through reading your story I thought you are definitely the female in this relationship.

 

Thank you for your input.

[Shining One]

You were very passive aggressive in all of your communication with her.

 

You asked her about being free on the 6th, she is not, so it was up to you to suggest the 5th or what ever else it fitted you both. You are not teens anymore to be upset over not being together on a 1 year dating day. You got all butt hurt and accused her of not caring. Very ugly. Very unattractive. Don't get mad at me but all through reading your story I thought you are definitely the female in this relationship.

Wow. I would have expected a bit of sympathy from you. As I read the OP, it reminded me of your thread in which your boyfriend (initially) didn't want to spend the holidays with you.

[JuneL]

You were very passive aggressive in all of your communication with her.

 

You asked her about being free on the 6th, she is not, so it was up to you to suggest the 5th or what ever else it fitted you both. You are not teens anymore to be upset over not being together on a 1 year dating day. You got all butt hurt and accused her of not caring. Very ugly. Very unattractive. Don't get mad at me but all through reading your story I thought you are definitely the female in this relationship.

 

Sorry, but I have to say Gaeta has hit the nail on the head.

[Gaeta]

Wow. I would have expected a bit of sympathy from you. As I read the OP, it reminded me of your thread in which your boyfriend (initially) didn't want to spend the holidays with you.

 

I don't think it can be compared to a 1 year dating Day. I'd be offended if it was a 1 year wedding anniversary but dating? Teens celebrate their dating, not adults with children. And who makes a big deal because it won't be celebrated on the D day? C'mon! How many couples can't celebrate V day today and will be doing it this weekend, no one is crying because of it.

[Gaeta]

Here how it should have unfolded.

 

***

So, tonight I texted her to ask if she was free on April 6th. she texted back: "No. Sorry." "Going to say good night sweet dreams" "I love you"

 

I texted back "Thursday, April 6th is the anniversary of our first date I would love to take you out let me know when you're free.

 

 

[Jj66]

Wow. I would have expected a bit of sympathy from you. As I read the OP, it reminded me of your thread in which your boyfriend (initially) didn't want to spend the holidays with you.

 

 

I appreciate what you're saying. However, I'm not looking for sympathy here in this thread. I specifically asked people in the OP to tell me that I was in the wrong and presumably why. I don't want to live in an echo chamber.

 

For the record, I recognized before the post that I have fault here. I specifically called attention in the OP to my pestering her to tell me what her plans were an also my sarcastic comment in response to her non-answer to my question.

 

I pointed out in a follow up post how I could have handled the exchange better.

 

I've gotten a lot of valuable input here from sympathetic voices and unsympathetic ones and voices in between. I appreciate it all.

[Jj66]

I don't think it can be compared to a 1 year dating Day. I'd be offended if it was a 1 year wedding anniversary but dating? Teens celebrate their dating, not adults with children. And who makes a big deal because it won't be celebrated on the D day? C'mon! How many couples can't celebrate V day today and will be doing it this weekend, no one is crying because of it.

 

And nobody is crying here either. We handled Valentine's Day superbly and did it this past weekend.

 

This went wrong last night because she was tired and I was drunk when we tried to communicate by text which is hard under the best of circumstances. Then, unfortunately, I wouldn't just let it go

 

If I had just said goodnight and waited until today so we could speak on the phone I'm sure things would have gone much more smoothly.

 

Live, and hopefully learn.

[Gaeta]

I texted bummer. I'm already in town now. Would you like to get a drink with me. She simply replied "no thank you" and left it at that. After a couple of minutes of not getting any explanation or alternative suggestions or expressions of regret at all from her I texted her back "Ok heading back to [the town where I was staying]. Sweet dreams."

 

Jj66: When people get hurt over little things it's often because there is a big thing underlying that is not being addressed. I am putting myself in your shoes here and the only reason I'd get passive aggressive with my BF (the way you were in your original post ) is if I felt over all neglected by him then this whole 1 year dating anniversary-miss would really hurt me.

 

Now this part I am quoting above is really hurtful in my book. Is it possible she is not emotionally invested in this as much as you are ? and you are unconsciously feeling it and reacting to it.

Edited February 14, 2017 by Gaeta

[Jj66]

Jj66: When people get hurt over little things it's often because there is a big thing underlying that is not being addressed. I am putting myself in your shoes here and the only reason I'd get passive aggressive with my BF (the way you were in your original post ) is if I felt over all neglected by him then this whole 1 year dating anniversary-miss would really hurt me.

 

You are very perceptive.

 

That one incident of the "no thank you" answer to my bid to see her after having driven an hour at her request in the first place is the root of an underlying issue that has wound its way like a river through our relationship since then. She effectively told me: I do not care if I just needlessly caused you to drive an hour, I don't really want to see you, not even for a few minutes. It was extremely hurtful coming from someone who claimed to care for me. I thought to myself, why should I remain in a relationship with someone who doesn't want to see me? There are plenty of women who would. But I decided to stay, writing off her bahvior as a reaction to stress. But ever since then I've been far too sensitive to any suggestion that she doesn't want to see me. This is in spite of all evidence to the contrary: booking trips together, inviting me on dates, introducing me to her family, giving me a key to her place, etc.

 

This river occasionally overflows its banks causing a flood of emotion. Like it did last night. It's far from usual and only wells up when she does something to give me the impression that she doesn't want to see me. At those times I do often feel neglected, unappreciated, and unloved. At other times, almost all of the time, in fact, she makes me feel very appreciated, cared for, and loved.

 

Even with the unloved feeling starting to well up, I would not have gone totally PA on her if I had not been drinking at poker night. The upwelling of that old feeling and the alcohol were not a good mix.

[Gaeta]

So we know you have been dating 10 months. You are referring to this 'no thank you' incident as months ago. How long ago was it? I would like to know how long you've been carrying this.

[CaliforniaGirl]

Well perhaps.

 

I just got an email where said she had forgotten about a conference call Thursday evening. It was a forward of an email from one of her student teams and she used the word PROOF in all caps.

 

I responded back in whatsapp instead of replying to her email.

 

Xxxxx, you never need to send me proof of anything. I trust you. If there is ever a time when we can't trust each other to be truthful then we are already lost.

 

Of course I am disappointed.

 

I will see you at your place on the morning of the 24th if you can't make it up this way before then.

 

Whoa. Something is up (IMO). What on earth...? She is VERY defensive. And frankly, she was from the get-go. I did NOT think you were PA or inappropriate or pushy in any way from the beginning as you described things but automatically she clammed up defensively...now she's saying "PROOF" in all caps...I just don't know.

 

I don't want to worry you, and I'm sure you're not going to be worried based on one stranger's input on the internet anyway, but...I just don't know. I personally would be cocking an eyebrow. Something is just not right here.

[Gaeta]

I am sorry I called you a girl earlier. I should have looked for the source of your insecurity before assuming you were just being dramatic.

[CaliforniaGirl]

I don't think it can be compared to a 1 year dating Day. I'd be offended if it was a 1 year wedding anniversary but dating? Teens celebrate their dating, not adults with children. And who makes a big deal because it won't be celebrated on the D day? C'mon! How many couples can't celebrate V day today and will be doing it this weekend, no one is crying because of it.

 

It wouldn't be not wanting to celebrate the actual date that would get me, it would be the immediately clammed-up, defensive attitude.

 

I mean if it were only a matter of her not being so interested in an "anniversary" that's not an official legal one, I'd have expected something like, "Aw...I already made plans with Girlfriend X. We're going to go see Show X. We'll see one another on the 6th like we planned."

 

Not "It's top-secret 'girl' stuff that I refuse to divulge to you because, well...I don't know. Just because more mystery-add mystery here-sprinkle a dash of defensiveness and HERE'S PROOF that I'M NOT LYING!! Dag-nab it." (Okay, that was ad-libbed a little.)

 

Because I mean...what the hell?

 

If I were seeing someone for a full year, he said something cute but not something as important to me as "I was hoping we'd celebrate the anniversary of the day we met'" or whatever, I'd not be defensive, silent, and mysterious. I'd just TELL the poor dude that I was doing X that day. Why would that be hard? At all?

 

Something's just not on, as my British friend used to say.

[Sweetfish]

Well perhaps.

 

I just got an email where said she had forgotten about a conference call Thursday evening. It was a forward of an email from one of her student teams and she used the word PROOF in all caps.

 

I responded back in whatsapp instead of replying to her email.

 

Xxxxx, you never need to send me proof of anything. I trust you. If there is ever a time when we can't trust each other to be truthful then we are already lost.

 

Of course I am disappointed.

 

I will see you at your place on the morning of the 24th if you can't make it up this way before then.

 

 

Your digging your grave.... its a matter of time she going to test how you handle other things...

 

Just watch

[Jj66]

Is it possible she is not emotionally invested in this as much as you are ? and you are unconsciously feeling it and reacting to it.

 

I used to wonder that. And I think it was true for the first few months. Probably 6 months. I'd feel her draw closer, then pull away, then draw closer, and pull away again, but not as far away each time. It's just 2 or 3 months ago that that I became convinced that she is invested in this as much as I am. We have been very close lately and she hasn't pulled away a bit.

 

Maybe the old doubts about her lack of investment came back when she did not react the way I expected? I don't know.

 

I do know that we had a fantastic weekend right before this happened. She talked about us moving in together when her lease is out. And she let me know again that she doesn't completely cringe at the thought of marriage anymore the way she used to. Lol.

 

She had told me a few times in our time together that if I ever proposed, she was history. Marriage came up in a conversation at a party we went to recently. Basically, people were discussing which couple among the friends would be next to get married. I made some comments poo pooing marriage a bit and saying I don't need to be married to be happy. I acknowledged that there are certain advantages that married people have because of the law and the only reason I would consider it is to take advantage of that. And that in any event I'm not getting married before my daughter graduates in 3 years. So I let our friends know that we would definitely not be next.

 

That evening she asked for a relationship talk where she changed her tune about walking away if I ever proposed. Her stance now is that she would consider it if the time and circumstances were right and if it were important to me because she doesn't want to lose our relationship over stubbornness about never getting married again.

 

So there you have it. Her softening her long-held anti-marriage stance and talking about moving in together tells me she is definitely invested in our relationship.

 

This fist date anniversary drunk texting will end up being just a blip on the radar.