SO lied about his salary

[d0nnivain]

true, how do i start the conversation without being annoying? He's in huge denial about his finance. Throwing away a otherwise good relationship is hard, but the effort required to bring behavioral change is a lot.

 

I tried to bring up money talk in the past, about IRA, tax deduction, money saving tricks, etc. Every time he brushed me off saying his inheritance/law degree/money in stock market will one day magically take off and solve all problems... With the cost of home and kids, inheritance and stocks are not long term sustainable solution.

 

 

Start by telling him that you love him & that you want to help.

 

 

Ask if you two can make a plan because you need some financial stability if you are to continue in the natural progression of this because you refuse to take on his debt.

 

 

Money is hard to talk about but you have to do it.

[elaine567]

He's 29, 2nd yr lawyer, i'm 28, 4th yr tech. we are both only child.

 

He doesn't pay rent (his family own the apt and now he's staying at my place mostly). His parents paid for his car, education, medical, etc. He doesn't even have cable or gym, no substance abuse. And his monthly bill is roughly 10K. Meanwhile, my monthly expense is less than 4k in total (home, utility, health, travel, etc). In the texts, he asked his mom to pay for 12K on clothing and few thousands on vacation that he went with friends.

 

So basically he has $75K all to himself and he can't live on it and is asking his mother for 12k clothing and thousands for a holiday...

Oh dear.

If he doesn't have that much to show for it and you do not think he is an drug addict, could he be a gambler?

[angel.eyes]

Sit down with him & make a budget. If his rent is free what the heck is he spending $10k per month on? Spending $120k per year when he only makes $75k is a huge problem.

 

 

Talk to him logically like somebody who cares about him not as his boss or jailer.

 

Sorry, but it's certainly not a girlfriend's responsibility to "teach" an educated, grown adult man money management. His parents choose to pay for practically everything in his life and somehow Mr. Entitled still manages to rack up $10K/month in clothing expenses, etc. that he wants someone else (right now his parents) to pay?!?

 

Not her monkey, not her circus! The purpose of dating is to figure out if you have compatible values on the biggies. That includes finances. She now has enough information to make a wise decision.

 

Nonetheless, should she choose to stay anyway, she ought to brace herself for the stress that comes from hitching your life to someone who lives on the financial edge--dodging creditors and lawsuit severs, begging others to lend you money, never being sure how long that roof that you can't afford will be over your head, etc. His parents aren't Methuselah! What is he going to do when he burns through the inheritance they leave him, her money, and any loans he begs off other people?

 

Ly399 needs to realize that when this ultimately destroys the relationship (and it will), it will also take her down the drain financially...along with her good credit. Good luck trying to start over when your credit is shot, and no one will even rent you an apartment because of that! Most employers run credit checks as part of the hiring decision on new employees. Your credit is critical to so much of your day-to-day life that you take for granted!

[ly399]

What bills does he have that add to 10k?

 

My guess is careless spending and over generosity. He's a textbook good guy, hard to hate him, but drives me insane with his financial decisions.

 

He always tip well. Donate to good causes. Give money to homeless ($20 bills). This past Christmas, he bought gourmet pizza for the ENTIRE office (at least 50 people). He sent his secretary a basket of expensive cheese when he found out she lost a (distant) relative. He gave his iPhone6 to the file room guy in his office, because the guy is poor* (i think it's a rip off).

 

A lot of his nice gesture is very unnecessary and eventually a burden on his family. He tipped a cab driver $40 because he threw up in a plastic bag (none in the car). His cleaning lady does a terrible job and expensive. He won't fire her because she's a single mom and he "wants to give her a job". Cases like this can go on and on.

 

I'm not heartless, i just don't hand out money at the cost of my family.

[AMarriedMan]

My guess is careless spending and over generosity. He's a textbook good guy, hard to hate him, but drives me insane with his financial decisions.

 

He always tip well. Donate to good causes. Give money to homeless ($20 bills). This past Christmas, he bought gourmet pizza for the ENTIRE office (at least 50 people). He sent his secretary a basket of expensive cheese when he found out she lost a (distant) relative. He gave his iPhone6 to the file room guy in his office, because the guy is poor* (i think it's a rip off).

 

A lot of his nice gesture is very unnecessary and eventually a burden on his family. He tipped a cab driver $40 because he threw up in a plastic bag (none in the car). His cleaning lady does a terrible job and expensive. He won't fire her because she's a single mom and he "wants to give her a job". Cases like this can go on and on.

 

I'm not heartless, i just don't hand out money at the cost of my family.

 

Sounds like an addiction.

[angel.eyes]

So basically he has $75K all to himself and he can't live on it and is asking his mother for 12k clothing and thousands for a holiday...

Oh dear.

If he doesn't have that much to show for it and you do not think he is an drug addict, could he be a gambler?

 

Even if he isn't a gambler, it's possible to blow through his $75K annual entertainment fund and still owe huge chunks of change very quickly, especially if he sees the world as a giant ATM and he's "sure" he'll have more than enough money in the "future."

 

Ly399--He may be charming, cute, or whatever, but he's a liar, an entitled spendthrift, and not a good partner. Ignore your intuition at your own peril.

[MidwestUSA]

Is this the guy you broke up with before Christmas? You might want to add financial incompatibilty to the other numerous reasons why you aren't a good match.

[todreaminblue]

My guess is careless spending and over generosity. He's a textbook good guy, hard to hate him, but drives me insane with his financial decisions.

 

He always tip well. Donate to good causes. Give money to homeless ($20 bills). This past Christmas, he bought gourmet pizza for the ENTIRE office (at least 50 people). He sent his secretary a basket of expensive cheese when he found out she lost a (distant) relative. He gave his iPhone6 to the file room guy in his office, because the guy is poor* (i think it's a rip off).

 

A lot of his nice gesture is very unnecessary and eventually a burden on his family. He tipped a cab driver $40 because he threw up in a plastic bag (none in the car). His cleaning lady does a terrible job and expensive. He won't fire her because she's a single mom and he "wants to give her a job". Cases like this can go on and on.

 

I'm not heartless, i just don't hand out money at the cost of my family.

 

my family go me a bit for what you have described and im actually considered poor i have no savings when i was with my ex he took over the money management and i ran the home..i do have a heart that likes to give eh knew it...so if people asked em for money they would have to go through him...... now i handle my finances myself and i do need to learn to budget......so i can pay what i have to pay before i give.....

 

i gave my last five dollars to a family down the road for their young children to have milk and my family went without.....they werent too happy but they went without....in saying this

 

i wouldn't lie about my finances to an so ........i do feel however you should give him a chance and as donnivain has suggested set out a budget work at that with him ...and encourage him to see th elongevity fo what he is doing.....the benefits not only for himself and hsi own sefl reliance but also the benefit in he will actually be able to help more by saving money when he is financially stable ..........there's ways(and this i have to learn myself) of having a generous heart and being able to give without it being cash...and that is by giving time or effort instead.......to satisfy that burning desire a generous heart has to give..and amounts can be lessened a two dollar thing instead of a ten dollar thing...more frequent small gifts to those a generous heart cares about...........and you are right family should come first....

 

he needs to see that too.......

but

 

sometimes its good for people to go without ...to see the importance of having.....to appreciate the having..buy understand th efeeling of not having.....

 

 

..and if you care and love this guy you are with ...how was it different for you not having him.......flaws and all......and what would it be like not to have him in your life.....is it worth weighing up.......how much importance is on his lying about his pay packet.....has he lied to you before......the future is unknown.....but how many times have you known he has lied......if its once...then maybe...a second chance and a serious discussion is in order.....for you to be really happy.....and for him....good luck.......deb

[ly399]

Probably not gambling, we spend every day together. He doesn't go to casinos. He invests in stock market. Maybe something flopped there.

 

Correction, typo earlier. Not 12K in clothing, 1.2K. That's one shopping trip, took him 15 mins to spend 1200+tax. oy

[elaine567]

I read some of your other threads, you don't really need need another "excuse" to end this.

 

(BTW no-one needs to go to casinos to gamble, it can all be done onliine and fortunes can be won and lost on the stock market too. )

[NTV]

Wow folks are coming down hard on this guy. Have you considered asking him why he lied about it?

[NTV]

I take that back. .. didn't read other threads. Please disregard last comment.

[Purepony]

You are just a dear ... why can't we have more women like you in ca?

 

If he can't manage his money now he won't be able to down the line if it doesn't work out with this loser move to California and look for me I make ove 100k and have a few bad ass cars

[d0nnivain]

Correction, typo earlier. Not 12K in clothing, 1.2K. That's one shopping trip, took him 15 mins to spend 1200+tax. oy

 

You said he's a lawyer. In some places $1.2k could be one outfit -- expensive suit, a shirt, tie & pair of shoes.

 

 

If there are other reasons he's not a good match for you, let this be a deal breaker.

 

 

I stand by my assessment that he needs better budgeting skills Remember most lawyers can only calculate their hourly rates & figure out contingency fees; other wise they are hardly math geniuses. If they were good with numbers, they'd be engineers or doctors.

[BettyDraper]

He's 29, 2nd yr lawyer, i'm 28, 4th yr tech. we are both only child.

 

He doesn't pay rent (his family own the apt and now he's staying at my place mostly). His parents paid for his car, education, medical, etc. He doesn't even have cable or gym, no substance abuse. And his monthly bill is roughly 10K. Meanwhile, my monthly expense is less than 4k in total (home, utility, health, travel, etc). In the texts, he asked his mom to pay for 12K on clothing and few thousands on vacation that he went with friends.

 

Some of his expenses are coming from me: dinners, concerts, gifts, etc. In return, I gave him gifts in the same price range. It doesn't justify his spending because I don't go out much. He even called me low maintenance girlfriend.

 

I was considering talking to his parents to get more insight, they treat me like future daughter in law. But I don't feel comfortable probing into someone's finance. Sometimes i wonder if he's paying child support to a baby that i don't know of. either that or really really bad money mgmt.

 

There's no need to talk to his parents. This is between the two of you.

 

Quite frankly, you seem too smart and successful to be with a manchild who doesn't even pay his own bills or manage his money properly.

 

Doesn't it bother you that he spends his money frivolously and begs his parents for money as well? It would be very hard to build a life with someone like that. Think of the debt and financial worries.

 

Love is not enough to sustain a relationship. It won't pay the bills.

[whichwayisup]

I found out last night that my BF of 1 year has been lying about his salary. He told me 8 month into the relationship that he's making 100K. But in his texts to a family friend he said 75K. I also saw his msgs to his mom asking help on bills. He knew how much i'm making (135K). He's very underpaid compare to his peers in the same industry (median 115K+). I try my best to protect his ego. I always tell him that he's smart and will go far.

 

I don't mind an income gap as long as the guy has great work ethics and cares about his professional life. It's the lying part that upset me. Lying about income makes me unable to trust him. I can understand a marginal difference. The amount is substantial in his case, 100K is 33% higher than his actual pay. I overestimate my bonus by 5K, but that's less than 4% of my total. My goal wasn't to deceive him, but a honest miscalculation, plus I'm getting it this year. I haven't confronted him yet, am afraid to hurt his ego. He truly wants to be the provider of the family, but is bad with money and also in deep denial.

 

I stumbled upon the conversation about money by accident and now i'm starting to connect the dots. His family is doing fairly well, so he is used to 'high roller' life style growing up. His parents subsidize him, but I don't know the details. I grew up in middle class family, saving and working hard are important to me. Asking aging parents to pay for his bills is off limits in my book. I stopped accepting money from parents because they did enough raising me.

 

He takes me to nice restaurants and buy me beautiful flowers and jewelries, and even pay for my friends. Aside from money issues, he's a very good person with kind heart. I love his sweet gestures. Frankly I do not know he's spending out of his means because every time I tried to talk about saving with him, he said he's in good shape.

 

The dilemma is I love him, but I'm hesitant about the relationship for following reasons: 1. deceiving is bad; 2.poor financial planning will cause major issue later in marriage; 3. boosting income =insecurity, insecurity increases the chance of infidelity. The last point is more of a personal observation.

 

Tomorrow is valentine's day, and he's taking me to another expensive restaurant. I feel bad now knowing his actual pay. He won't let me split the bill or treat him. What should I do? Is it too cruel/heartless to end relationship because of finance? Shall I talk to his parents to get their opinion?

 

** Side note, maybe irrelevant. I want to find a financially sound partner not because I want luxury. In fact, i don't have any designer stuff even though i can afford it with my salary. I live in one of most expensive area in the country, living cost of raising kids is extremely high. My job is fast paced and in a male dominated field, I want to scale back and put more focus on family after marriage. My mom had to work two jobs as a single mom, and I was lonely and very introverted growing up. I want to be there for my children.

 

75 grand a year, he can afford to take you out to dinner, he's far from poor or struggling. He has the potential to be making a ton of money later on in life since he is a lawyer and as time goes on he'll get more clients and become a more established lawyer.

 

Seems like because you make more than him it's about his ego that's hurting. This isn't an awful deceiving lie.

[AMarriedMan]

There's no need to talk to his parents. This is between the two of you.

 

Quite frankly, you seem too smart and successful to be with a manchild who doesn't even pay his own bills or manage his money properly.

 

Doesn't it bother you that he spends his money frivolously and begs his parents for money as well? It would be very hard to build a life with someone like that. Think of the debt and financial worries.

 

Love is not enough to sustain a relationship. It won't pay the bills.

 

Absolutely correct. And the unending financial worries will eventually kill the love when the going gets serious. OP and her BF are dating now. All she has is a bunch of red flags in front of her but no debt, no children together with the BF, no jointly owned house or anything. The full gravity of the situation would only be felt some years into a marriage with kids.

 

I would only give this guy a chance if he came clean about his finances, saw the error of his ways, and made a serious sustained effort lasting several years to correct them. Your approaches to money are polar opposites. That will not work.

 

I'm quite pessimistic about the prospect of an 28-year-old making a radical behavioral change, at least without facing some kind of serious crisis as a result of their behavior. Adolescents are sometimes stupid with money or other things but usually straighten themselves out as they mature. The human brain is not fully mature until about 25-30 years of age. Your BF has simply been enabled too long and there is nothing about to put an end to that in the foreseeable future. My advice to you is to try to look at your situation from a detached perspective and make a rational decision. Your need to sit down with your BF and explain your thoughts and feelings to him. If he refuses to listen to you or does not take you seriously as demonstrated by sustained actions beyond those prompted by the initial shock of you telling him you find his approach a show-stopper, you should begin to emotionally disengage from the relationship in preparation for breaking up with him.

Edited February 15, 2017 by AMarriedMan

[Got it]

Definitely two major issues going on here that can definitely cause issues if you guys end up marrying. If you want to work on the relationship I HIGHLY recommend going to counseling to discuss this and have them help mediate the conversation. There is also financial counseling/planning as well that you two can work through this process.

[Mr. Lucky]

Quite frankly, you seem too smart and successful to be with a manchild who doesn't even pay his own bills or manage his money properly.

 

Had exactly the same thought. OP, it's not whether he's right for you, it's what are you doing with him ???

 

Mr. Lucky

[mightycpa]

I found out last night that my BF of 1 year has been lying about his salary. He told me 8 month into the relationship that he's making 100K. But in his texts to a family friend he said 75K. I also saw his msgs to his mom asking help on bills. He knew how much i'm making (135K). He's very underpaid compare to his peers in the same industry (median 115K+). I try my best to protect his ego. I always tell him that he's smart and will go far.

Aww, poor guy feels like he doesn't quite measure up. So instead of doing something manly about it, like making his salary go up, or building his investment portfolio with a plan to retire rich very soon, he becomes a poser! Not good.

I don't mind an income gap as long as the guy has great work ethics and cares about his professional life. It's the lying part that upset me. Lying about income makes me unable to trust him. I can understand a marginal difference. The amount is substantial in his case, 100K is 33% higher than his actual pay. I overestimate my bonus by 5K, but that's less than 4% of my total. My goal wasn't to deceive him, but a honest miscalculation, plus I'm getting it this year. I haven't confronted him yet, am afraid to hurt his ego. He truly wants to be the provider of the family, but is bad with money and also in deep denial.

It's not the money or even the magnitude of the difference that is of concern. It's the decision to lie when the news isn't good. That could invade a lot of areas in life. It's not looking ahead to the day of reckoning, when the lie will be exposed. It's allowing the lie to pass the point of no return, where he will totally lose face if he has to come clean.

I stumbled upon the conversation about money by accident and now i'm starting to connect the dots. His family is doing fairly well, so he is used to 'high roller' life style growing up. His parents subsidize him, but I don't know the details. I grew up in middle class family, saving and working hard are important to me. Asking aging parents to pay for his bills is off limits in my book. I stopped accepting money from parents because they did enough raising me.

Totally irrelevant to the issue at hand. Either of you could have been poor or filthy rich and you'd still have the same problem today.

He takes me to nice restaurants and buy me beautiful flowers and jewelries, and even pay for my friends. Aside from money issues, he's a very good person with kind heart. I love his sweet gestures. Frankly I do not know he's spending out of his means because every time I tried to talk about saving with him, he said he's in good shape.

Similarly irrelevant. We already know he's too deep in the lie to tell you the truth.

The dilemma is I love him, but I'm hesitant about the relationship for following reasons: 1. deceiving is bad; 2.poor financial planning will cause major issue later in marriage; 3. boosting income =insecurity, insecurity increases the chance of infidelity. The last point is more of a personal observation.

Ah, love! Love, as in I accept him with all his faults, and I love him anyway! ? Or love, as in Ooooh, I'm not sure I'm quite on board with that fault. That's very troubling. Because that last one? That's not love. That's reality telling you that you love what you thought he was, but not what you're finding out he really is. Which is the trouble with lying, after all. He fooled you into loving him. Imagine if at the outset he'd said You know, I'm very insecure about some things, and when I'm confronted with them, I lie my a$$ off to the people I love to make me look better than I am! Yes, one day I'll even lie to you!

Tomorrow is valentine's day, and he's taking me to another expensive restaurant. I feel bad now knowing his actual pay. He won't let me split the bill or treat him. What should I do? Is it too cruel/heartless to end relationship because of finance? Shall I talk to his parents to get their opinion?

If you end the relationship, you're going to have to tell him why, and if you stay in the relationship, you'll need to get this resolved. One way or the other, he has to find out that you know. The only real question is whether or not you think you can trust him to have learned his lesson about this. That's a big leap from where he is. Talk to his parents? What is he, like 14? Just the idea that you'd even consider that says a lot about what you think of him.

 

** Side note, maybe irrelevant. I want to find a financially sound partner not because I want luxury. In fact, i don't have any designer stuff even though i can afford it with my salary. I live in one of most expensive area in the country, living cost of raising kids is extremely high. My job is fast paced and in a male dominated field, I want to scale back and put more focus on family after marriage. My mom had to work two jobs as a single mom, and I was lonely and very introverted growing up. I want to be there for my children.

Again, nothing to do with the money. You can always move to a trailer park and live like kings, relatively speaking.

[S2B]

Looking at your history - since this guy lies about other things with no problem - he's just used to lying.

 

Since that was a big request you made at the beginning (honesty) - he's not offered you an honest relationship from the start.

 

IF you're not totally loving all of him at this early stage - end it. It will only get worse as time goes along and you won't respect/admire him.

[Els]

My guess is careless spending and over generosity. He's a textbook good guy, hard to hate him, but drives me insane with his financial decisions.

 

He always tip well. Donate to good causes. Give money to homeless ($20 bills). This past Christmas, he bought gourmet pizza for the ENTIRE office (at least 50 people). He sent his secretary a basket of expensive cheese when he found out she lost a (distant) relative. He gave his iPhone6 to the file room guy in his office, because the guy is poor* (i think it's a rip off).

 

A lot of his nice gesture is very unnecessary and eventually a burden on his family. He tipped a cab driver $40 because he threw up in a plastic bag (none in the car). His cleaning lady does a terrible job and expensive. He won't fire her because she's a single mom and he "wants to give her a job". Cases like this can go on and on.

 

I'm not heartless, i just don't hand out money at the cost of my family.

 

I agree that his "donations" are somewhat excessive, but it doesn't explain his finances regardless. All of what you mentioned still doesn't add up to $12k a month without rent. The average single person can make do quite comfortably on $3k a month if they don't have to pay rent. Surely all his "charitable" gestures do not make up the remaining $9k.

 

I mean, think about this - based on your post, it seems to me that you want a relationship where you can eventually live together and/or get married, right? Now, think about how he's running a deficit on his spending despite earning >$6k a month and not paying rent. How do you think that translates to your future life together? Do you truly imagine that he'd be able to cut his expenditure down by half if the two of you get serious?

 

And we're not even getting to the part where he's lying about his salary...

[AngryGromit]

If he finds a job with a higher salary, he will simply feel entitled to spend even more. This is about an approach to money management.

 

 

My Wife had a similar view about finances, she felt that everyone has credit card debt, having 10 or 20k in credit card debt is no big deal. It took me a while to change her opinion about money matters. Now she's sometimes more conservative than me when spending money.

 

So people can change. I wouldn't give up on your boyfriend quite yet. What you need to do is sit down with him and have a frank and honest discussion about money. Let him know if he wants to be with you, he needs become financially responsible. Grown men don't relay on Mommy and Daddy for money, not to mention they will not be around forever, if he doesn't change his ways, sooner or later his financial world will collapse, the only question is he going to take you down with him.

 

He needs to completely honest about his finances with you, how much he makes, how much he spends, his debt and how much his parents are giving him. If he's willing to change, then there hope for you two. If he pushes back, "I don't need you to tell me how to spend my money", dump him. Life is too short to live with someone who is going to wreck your finances.

 

I honestly believe his parents his parents did a real disservice to him be not teaching in him the value of money. I think it's a control thing, being their only child, they keep him reliant on them for his good lifestyle. They can dictate to him how often he sees them, who he can or can not date or marry, what he will study in college and what career to have, etc. Inheriting millions isn't going to magically solve his problems, he will have the same mentality of lottery winners. Having never learned to properly managed money, means on average 5 years from wealth to bankruptcy. He will suffer the same fate. If I were you, the only way I would date this guy is to keep completely separate finances. The ideal situation is just be his girlfriend, but if you do marry, separate tax returns, separate bank accounts, no joint loans or mortgages etc. This way you can enjoy his generosity, but not suffer the consequences of his poor financial decisions.

 

Anyone earning a good living shouldn't be consistently worrying about what checks are going to bounce, bankruptcy, and not being a be to retire because they have no savings.

Edited February 20, 2017 by AngryGromit

[LilyMila]

His family is doing fairly well, so he is used to 'high roller' life style growing up. His parents subsidize him, but I don't know the details. I grew up in middle class family, saving and working hard are important to me. Asking aging parents to pay for his bills is off limits in my book. I stopped accepting money from parents because they did enough raising me.

 

You already know the answer. The lying isn't even that damning. You two are way too different. He maybe fun to date, but if you were to marry him and combine finance, then you are in for a world of hurt. People can change, but he certainly can't change while he has an unlimited ATM in the form of his parents. He needs to work menial manual labor that pays $12 an hour and see how fast that money disappears if his parents do not subsidize him.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Ly, is your SO the same guy you were casual with in the early part of last year? If so then if you are a rational technology oriented person you do not need to be an Einstein to figure out that this guy is just not the one for you. There may be chemistry but the red flags waving around in the breeze ate enough to entice a whole herd of bulls toward your relationship. As the saying goes ' Act in haste and repent at leisure'. The first thing that leaps out at one is the number of incompatibilities that you two share. You are a serial monogamist who is frugal in her need for partners. You like to date one person at a time whether you are in a committed relationship with him or just trying out a guy for suitability. He on the other hand has already slept with 40 to 60 women and is 'greedy' to sleep with many more as per your own words. You were in an open relationship with him at a point of time where you were monogamous with him but he was not. Also he has had difficulty committing to you as per what he wrote to his friend. You are a thrifty person with middle class values whereas he is a spoilt brat whose parents have indulged him shamelessly so that he has little regard foroney. To top it all he has been lying to your face without an ounce of guilt. If you want to commit Harakiri that is your choice but I think your subconscious mind is screaming at you to drop this guy like a hot potatoe. The ball is well and truly in your court. For God's sake find a stable and sensible guy who matches your temperament and values and settle down with him. Warm wishes.