My bff stole my other bff...

[Taramere]

What you said about people only telling me things because it's easier is what I've always been afraid of. I'm used to being told that I'm the best, that I'm special, that I'm the favorite, that I'm perfect how I am. I always took it to heart but I can't help but wonder, what if they only tell me these things because they know I'll shut down if they don't? Do they really mean it? This has always hurt me to consider. Do people REALLY love me or do they just not want to be responsible for my breakdown? This makes me very insecure. I guess I was so... possessive over Tony because I actually felt that he did genuinely think I was special and the best. I didn't want to lose that validation, ESPECIALLY not to HER.

 

I can't speak for the people in your life. I would say that most people are focused on their own well being and survival...and on that basis I would think that these people are in your life because they want to be, rather than because they feel obligated to be/are afraid you'll have a breakdown if they're not.

 

However, from what you're saying on here I do think you're going to need to do some work on yourself to ensure that friends stay in your life long term. If you're focused on feeling special in the eyes of other people, then life is going to be one big competition with other people. Which will be exhausting for you and also for them.

 

It's not necessary, with friendship, to always be comparing yourself to others in that person's life. Part of being a good friend is that you want your friends to be happy and well adjusted..and that usually involves having a support network that's reasonably varied and diverse. "You're my only friend, and I don't need or want anybody else" should be a cause for alarm rather than something that makes you feel special....but this is maybe a state of being that you're going to need to work towards. Possibly with some assistance.

 

Can I ask how old you are?

[Senritsu]

I can't speak for the people in your life. I would say that most people are focused on their own well being and survival...and on that basis I would think that these people are in your life because they want to be, rather than because they feel obligated to be/are afraid you'll have a breakdown if they're not.

 

However, from what you're saying on here I do think you're going to need to do some work on yourself to ensure that friends stay in your life long term. If you're focused on feeling special in the eyes of other people, then life is going to be one big competition with other people. Which will be exhausting for you and also for them.

 

It's not necessary, with friendship, to always be comparing yourself to others in that person's life. Part of being a good friend is that you want your friends to be happy and well adjusted..and that usually involves having a support network that's reasonably varied and diverse. "You're my only friend, and I don't need or want anybody else" should be a cause for alarm rather than something that makes you feel special....but this is maybe a state of being that you're going to need to work towards. Possibly with some assistance.

 

Can I ask how old you are?

 

I'm 21. I suppose I could get some kind of counseling for this but a part of me feels like there's nothing wrong with needing to feel special so I don't want to. I don't feel like I can survive in a world where I don't feel like I'm special or unique, it's just part of my make-up, my whole family is like this. If I'm not the best then I'm nothing at all, no in-between. I always thought this was good because it pushes me to do great things but you're right, constantly competing with people is sooo exhausting. Arabel was the main person I competed against because I noticed people started telling her she was different and unique too (and she seemed to really like it) so... yeah, naturally. It ruined my psych and this was the cherry on top.

 

I've talked to our mutual friends about my competitiveness when it comes to her as they always say I'm jealous but I really don't think so. It's weird, it feels like we've become too much alike and that scares me, I feel like there can only be one of us. It's so dramatic but that's the best way I can explain it.

[RecentChange]

Well here is one thing I can tell you - creating this amount of drama is NOT the way to build life long friendships.

 

I have never tried to keep my friends apart - and yes, I have had friends from "different circles" hit it off beautifully and become BFFs... Good for them, we all need friends. I never got jealous or tried to keep them apart.

 

My BEST friend since we were 13 (we are still close friends at 38 btw) met my good guy friend when we were in college. Me and him used to be pretty damn close, and went to the same college / studied together etc.

 

But you know what? He and my friend had an instant attraction. Now, many years later they are married, and have a 4 year old daughter. They are all still a part of my life.

 

Or I could have been petty and tried to keep them apart. Created drama - and most likely lose them as friends.

[RecentChange]

I don't feel like I can survive in a world where I don't feel like I'm special or unique, it's just part of my make-up, my whole family is like this. If I'm not the best then I'm nothing at all, no in-between.

 

I can assure you, this is not the path to happiness, rather one of misery.

 

And if you have to be the best, the most special - well, how do you think that makes your friends feel?

 

Friends are about support, mutual understanding, the people you can let your guard down around and give your love and admiration to. Competing to be the best is no way to be a friend.

[Taramere]

I'm 21. I suppose I could get some kind of counseling for this but a part of me feels like there's nothing wrong with needing to feel special so I don't want to. I don't feel like I can survive in a world where I don't feel like I'm special or unique, it's just part of my make-up, my whole family is like this. If I'm not the best then I'm nothing at all, no in-between.

 

But the best at what? I can understand the desire to graduate top of your year, win a sporting contest, win a game of chess etc...but if it's just a vague notion of "being the best" which you feel is proven by being loved more than the next person, or being regarded as more special etc...well, that's just another person's subjective opinion that they might change at any time.

 

 

I always thought this was good because it pushes me to do great things but you're right, constantly competing with people is sooo exhausting

.

 

They say you should pick your battles carefully, and you should probably do the same with your competitions. If you're going to compete in something fine - but make it worthwhile. You've said that you need to be the best and are very competitive so I'm assuming that there's some sort of sport or competitive pastime that you channel that into?

 

I've talked to our mutual friends about my competitiveness when it comes to her as they always say I'm jealous but I really don't think so. It's weird, it feels like we've become too much alike and that scares me, I feel like there can only be one of us. It's so dramatic but that's the best way I can explain it.

 

It's pretty hard to be a competitive person without some jealousy creeping in. That's why people with a competitive disposition should be involved in sport from an early age. For a child, learning to lose without throwing a hysterical fit is extremely important. People who never learn to lose gracefully face a very hard time in life...and in extreme cases, that can set them on a path of losing every time.

 

Perhaps you need a bit of time apart from Arabel so that you can feel more comfortable in your identity rather than always comparing yourself to her or worrying that you're losing your own identity because it's too tangled up with/similar to hers.

[stillafool]

I think you should end your friendship with Arabel because you really aren't her friend but her competitor. I doubt she even realizes this. Most friends are proud of their friends when they achieve certain goals that make them special; not jealousy. If you are the only person in your group that sees herself as special you won't have authentic friendships and may end up being a very lonely person.

[Timshel]

I'm 21. I suppose I could get some kind of counseling for this but a part of me feels like there's nothing wrong with needing to feel special so I don't want to. I don't feel like I can survive in a world where I don't feel like I'm special or unique, it's just part of my make-up, my whole family is like this. If I'm not the best then I'm nothing at all, no in-between. I always thought this was good because it pushes me to do great things but you're right, constantly competing with people is sooo exhausting. Arabel was the main person I competed against because I noticed people started telling her she was different and unique too (and she seemed to really like it) so... yeah, naturally. It ruined my psych and this was the cherry on top.

 

I've talked to our mutual friends about my competitiveness when it comes to her as they always say I'm jealous but I really don't think so. It's weird, it feels like we've become too much alike and that scares me, I feel like there can only be one of us. It's so dramatic but that's the best way I can explain it.

 

Given your age and current demeanor, what I'm about to write will probably be water off your back...

 

Taking a walk with my mom today at a very nice place for people who are in their waning years...my mom points to a very tiny woman pushing along with a walker and says, that's Mrs. so&so, she was the physics chair.

 

My mom has her own accomplishments but by now, it's been a few hours since our visit, she won't remember that we were there.

 

I would ask, OP, what is your definition of special and what you want it to be. At the moment, it seems that being the center of other people's emotions is what compels you.

Arabel and Tony would both be drawn back into the centrifugal force of you if you announce your new found attraction for him.

 

Some People decide that the only influence of value is to use their life to make other people's or the earth better, in some way. Other people decide to spend their life gratifying themselves.

 

It would be worthwhile to get to a point that the impression you leave is positive/contributing rather than taking, being manipulative.

 

You have something really special to contribute and I'm sure in time and with some effort (therapy) you'll do it.

 

Needless to say, if you are unable to be happy for your two friends, then let them be.

[Senritsu]

I think you should end your friendship with Arabel because you really aren't her friend but her competitor. I doubt she even realizes this. Most friends are proud of their friends when they achieve certain goals that make them special; not jealousy. If you are the only person in your group that sees herself as special you won't have authentic friendships and may end up being a very lonely person.

 

I ended the friendship immediately when I saw them making out. I think it was so easy to cut her off because of the competition.

[Senritsu]

Hey guys. Tony told me he didn't want to meet up with me because he didn't appreciate the things I said to/about Arabel in my anger. He said he doesn't want her near me right now and that he'll stick by her. I'm heartbroken.

[anika99]

I can totally understand why Tony feels as he does. He is attracted to Arabel and therefore protective of her. The way you have behaved over this also probably alerted him to your immaturity and selfishness.

 

You are going to find life pretty difficult if you expect everyone to always make you feel special and the best. You describe your friends, especially Tony, not as human beings with their own minds and feelings, but more as objects that you possess and that exist only to validate you and make you feel good. That is narcissistic and if you don't grow out of it you will lose many good people over the upcoming years.

 

This would be a good time for you to reflect on yourself and consider who you are and who you want to be. Arabel shouldn't have a promise she couldn't keep but I get the impression from reading your posts that the people in your life can't really speak honestly to you because they know how fragile your ego is and they just don't want to deal with drama. Do you really think it's reasonable to expect your best friend to never have another friend or a girlfriend? What if Tony expected you to not have anyone else in your life besides him? No boyfriend, no other friends, just Tony and nobody else. Would that sound logical to you?

[Tanyasinclair]

I'm unsure if it's appropriate for me to post in this thread, particularly since I have no useful advice or insights to offer. And... I hope it doesn't seem like I'm trying to hijack the thread, please don't think that. I promise this will be the only time I post here. :/

 

I just wanted to say that in some ways, I'm very glad I saw this thread, and I have been reading every reply, because.... there are things that hit home for me. Things that really made me stop and think, and... things that I know I have done that are similar.

 

So... OP, I just want you to know, for whatever it's worth, that you're not the only one who has felt things like this, or has gone through similar things. And again, I hope it's okay, I just want to give an example.... maybe it will help somehow, maybe it won't, but if nothing else you'll know that someone has been through something kinda similar, at least I think so.

 

I haven't exactly had the best track-record for being a good friend or in keeping friends in some areas, (although in my case, I've had to learn over the last year or so that I actually prefer being alone and left alone in many areas, so it could be I outgrew my need for some social avenues, some individuals, or it just took me forever to realize I just like being a bit of a recluse.... or maybe all of the above.)

 

But anyway, here's an example that could relate to you and your situation:

 

A few years back, I had a best friend, (not the first, not the last), let's just call her Vicki. The thing is, she was having a lot of problems in her life, and when she met me, she thought I was the nicest thing she had ever met. We hit it off, we started talking a lot, and she even admitted to idolizing me and stalking me a bit online because she wanted to see everything I did, and she wanted to know more about me, and I knew she meant no harm. She was even tickled pick when I asked her to be my writing partner on a fanfic project, and she was absolutely delighted when I recommended her as a good writer to someone else as a potential partner.

 

But anyway, I feel I can relate to you, OP, when you say that you had a special connection with each of your BFFs, because for a time, I had a very special connection with this girl. We just flowed well together, she agreed with everything I said, and we even developed our own special little communication method where we knew what the slightest mis-placed word or phrase meant, and she could tell if something was wrong, or off.

 

It really, really felt good to have a number-one-fan, although I was too immature and caught up in myself back then to know how short-lived and superficial that kind of thing can be.

 

I... guess I got pretty spoiled by it. Every single day she just wanted to be around me, she wanted to hear what I had to say, and she treated every word I said like gold.

 

This only lasted a few months, however. She somehow got over her idolization of me, plus other serious crap was starting to happen in her life, and she had more and more she had to deal with. Which... I was kind of aware of, but the only thing I noticed or paid attention to at the time was that the awesome connection was dwindling and fading, and she was also forgetting all of the word games we used to play, and the communication method and BFF code system we had established.

 

And when I tried to bring this up with her, she just seemed to brush it off, like... she still wanted me in her life, but I wasn't as important anymore, an now her boyfriend was becoming more and more important. (Which, in retrospect, is as it should be, especially since he became her rock and I was so individualistic and self-absorbed, but that did nothing for my emotions at the time.)

 

Just.... one key thing that sorta sticks out to me in all of this, as this once-BFF and I began to drift further and further apart, is....

 

This is one, silly example out of many, but I think it can fit to emphasize just how this could relate to the issues mentioned in this thread:

 

There was one time when Vicki and I were trying to discuss a highly philosophical concept from a Star Wars novel. She mentioned she had read it, and she was trying to state something regarding her opinion on something said about the Force, and how some individuals chose to adjust their lives (and ruin one life in particular) because of the ying-yang balance of life.

 

The point is, she and I actually sorta had a disagreement here. That is... she was trying to state her views, but I was still caught up in the idea that this girl loved and idolized me, and I did not listen to her views, nor did it occur to me at the time that she could have a mind that worked differently than mine or held different views than I did. So I ended up not listening to her at all, and just blabbing on about what I thought about it, because.... I guess, at least subconsciously, I thought maybe I could overcome her differing thought processes and kinda sway her to thinking more like I did on the concepts, especially since she had been so agreeable back when she idolized me.

 

When she dropped the subject, I guess I walked away with the (if rather arrogant and self-absorbed) assumption that she had chosen to agree with me and flow with my own thought processes on the matter.

 

Then, at some later time, when I kinda brought up the book and the conversation again, I claimed that she had said [etc etc], basically whatever it was that had flowed with my thought processes/opinion, and she was like, "No I never said that, what I said was...."

 

And my immediate thought/reaction was kinda like, "...Liar, when we ended that conversation, I thought you had agreed with me, and I thought you were saying....?"

 

For a time, I did go around thinking that we had been in perfect, harmonious agreement during that conversation, and that anything contrary said to that was nothing but a lie, or I thought that she had been in agreement with me and changed her mind later for some reason.

 

But when I really, really looked back at that conversation with more open eyes and a more accurate analysis, I had to finally admit to myself, rather sheepishly, that she had never agreed with me on that (or even other things) in the first place, nor did she ever give any indication that she had done so. I was just.... so used to mentally referring back to the days when she used to treat everything I did or said as gold, and I couldn't handle the fact that this person had a boyfriend, plus she was becoming more active in the Catholic community, and eventually when she had a child, well... I'm sure you get the picture, where I used to be Number 1, suddenly I seemed to be at the lower end of the list of priorities, and... I just didn't take it well. Because I had been so used to her being "all mine".

 

So.... I don't know if this post helped in any way, and I hope I didn't come across as annoying. I just wanted to say that your issues simply hit close to home and reminded me strongly of some things I experienced and felt myself, and... I also hope that my shared experience might help offer some perspective, or if nothing else you'll know you're not the only one who's been through something kinda like this.

 

Good luck. *hugs*

[stillafool]

Hey guys. Tony told me he didn't want to meet up with me because he didn't appreciate the things I said to/about Arabel in my anger. He said he doesn't want her near me right now and that he'll stick by her. I'm heartbroken.

 

What does your bf say about all of this?

[preraph]

I'm sorry he's pulling away now, but you have to realize he's going to at least temporarily be loyal to the girl who is acting like his girlfriend rather than his friend. I don't blame you for not being happy with her because she was sneaky. I think you should give him a rest now. I doubt whatever they have will last.

 

But you need to decide whether you want to be official with your long distance boyfriend or not since you are obviously kind of involved with this one and I am sure there will be others.

 

I told you this one could harbor resentment for being put in the friendzone, and now you have seen that indeed he does and took the first opportunity to date someone else, regardless you were friends and he's now acting holier than thou like he gets to call the shots now with you. He's enjoying this. He probably figures you strung him along and is feeling like now he's finally got some power.

 

If I were you, I'd stay away from both of them entirely and skip this chapter. Go get busy with other people. Sort out your LDR. Maybe you should break that off and date other guys. But stay busy and just ignore those two. Don't even talk to them. She's acting all innocent with him and he chose to buy it because it's to his advantage, so that's insulting to do to what was a close friend. So don't reward that by giving him any attention. They both are enjoying this. Don't give them the satisfaction. Living well is the best revenge.

[RecentChange]

Well, you were behaving like a terrible friend, and now you have lost two friends. I am not the least bit surprised.

 

Like I said this is NOT the way to cultivate lasting relationships, which you have now discovered.

 

Friendship, like love is about GIVING - not taking. You come off as an extremely selfish taker.

 

Sorry to be harsh, but time to take a close look at how you behave, otherwise you will continue to cause people to walk away from you.

[Senritsu]

I'm sorry he's pulling away now, but you have to realize he's going to at least temporarily be loyal to the girl who is acting like his girlfriend rather than his friend. I don't blame you for not being happy with her because she was sneaky. I think you should give him a rest now. I doubt whatever they have will last.

 

But you need to decide whether you want to be official with your long distance boyfriend or not since you are obviously kind of involved with this one and I am sure there will be others.

 

I told you this one could harbor resentment for being put in the friendzone, and now you have seen that indeed he does and took the first opportunity to date someone else, regardless you were friends and he's now acting holier than thou like he gets to call the shots now with you. He's enjoying this. He probably figures you strung him along and is feeling like now he's finally got some power.

 

If I were you, I'd stay away from both of them entirely and skip this chapter. Go get busy with other people. Sort out your LDR. Maybe you should break that off and date other guys. But stay busy and just ignore those two. Don't even talk to them. She's acting all innocent with him and he chose to buy it because it's to his advantage, so that's insulting to do to what was a close friend. So don't reward that by giving him any attention. They both are enjoying this. Don't give them the satisfaction. Living well is the best revenge.

 

Wow, you are completely right!!! This is entirely just a way for him to get me back for stringing him along! Why didn't I see this before? He's just trying to get me to chase after him! He claims he's just "worried about Arabel's safety" (who the hell DOESN'T threaten the people they're angry at?) but you made me realize this is one big power trip for him. Poor Arabel. I feel a strong need to tell him that I know what he's up to (and her) but I think I'll take your advice, be the bigger person, and ignore them. I await for him to come crawling back.

[RecentChange]

He claims he's just "worried about Arabel's safety" (who the hell DOESN'T threaten the people they're angry at?)

 

WHAT?!?! Are you for real? You threatened her? Who doesn't do that?

 

People with social skills. People who claim to be a "friend". People with self awareness. People with self control. People who have empathy.

 

Or maybe simply MOST people? I am no delicate flower - but jesus, I have never threatened a friend or acquaintance. NEVER.

 

Honey, you really need to get a grip. This isn't normal.

 

The only people I have threatened are strangers who were threatening MY safety! i.e. "if you don't step back dude we are going to have a problem" if some creeper starts invading my space.

[stillafool]

Wow, you are completely right!!! This is entirely just a way for him to get me back for stringing him along! Why didn't I see this before? He's just trying to get me to chase after him! He claims he's just "worried about Arabel's safety" (who the hell DOESN'T threaten the people they're angry at?) but you made me realize this is one big power trip for him. Poor Arabel. I feel a strong need to tell him that I know what he's up to (and her) but I think I'll take your advice, be the bigger person, and ignore them. I await for him to come crawling back.

 

Darling, it's highly unlikely it is any of the above. He just prefers her over you.

[Weezy1973]

Time to Google: Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

[SpiralOut]

I'll offer a perspective from the other side. I've been in the situation of someone expecting me to have no other friends except for her, acting jealous/shocked/angry when finding out that I am closer to other people than I am to her, and basically seeing me as an object/thing that she thought she owned. I'm 90% certain that she also expected me to "let" her "have" whatever guy she liked, regardless of how I felt about him or how well I got along with him. The oddest part of it all (and this may not apply to your situation, I really don't know) is that she thought we were close friends while I saw her as just a casual friend or acquaintance.

 

Long story short, her behaviour made me feel uneasy, and I pushed her away. Reading this thread gave me an uneasy feeling. I can relate to Tony. I think you were out of line by telling Arabel to stay away from him. It is not anyone's job to make sure that you feel special. Tony deserves to have other friends and to have a girlfriend. Nobody is responsible for your happiness except for you. I think it's good sign that you recognize and acknowledge the fact that you have this need. The next step is for you to figure out where that need is coming from. You should find some way to make yourself feel special instead of depending on other people to do that.

[preraph]

Wow, you are completely right!!! This is entirely just a way for him to get me back for stringing him along! Why didn't I see this before? He's just trying to get me to chase after him! He claims he's just "worried about Arabel's safety" (who the hell DOESN'T threaten the people they're angry at?) but you made me realize this is one big power trip for him. Poor Arabel. I feel a strong need to tell him that I know what he's up to (and her) but I think I'll take your advice, be the bigger person, and ignore them. I await for him to come crawling back.

 

There's no poor arabel. I mean, he likes her too. It's not like he doesn't like her He does. He is enjoying all this attention though. If you're smart, you'll just stop giving either of them attention.