alone to pick up the pieces AGAIN.

[SevenCity]

Hi Sevencity,

 

Yes there are TONS of people here but it really is rinse and repeat with a lot of men here. The very few ones that want to settle down early are already taken for the most part. Im sure that they are OUT there but not many. There's also soooo many options that like everything come good and bad. When you actually find someone who is willing to commit is a big deal but unfortunately things didn't work out.

 

So about the second chance that's basically what happened to me in a way. I couldn't get over all the hurt and couldn't see him the same as his true colors revealed when we broke up the first time. Although I went for a second chance, I was not happy. I kept thinking how someone could someone have loved you so much, just go on with their lives and not even think you exist for months and then come back like nothing ?. That is a hard pill to swallow. Then to come back a few months later like we can pick up where all the good times.

 

Everyone would tell me you need to get over it and so on. While I was crying myself to sleep every night this guy had completely forgotten about me and moved on like I was never even a part of his life. That is who he is I learned, he has very little regards for other people's feelings. (Negative negative trait of his). He was doing the same a week after we broke up the second time.

 

This is nearly impossible which is why the dumpee usually takes the power. At the end of the day our relationship broke for good a year ago and I must say I tried to keep us together the first time around when basically there was still time to save it. There was still not the pain of someone else, or huge baggage just our issues. Nothing big like broken trust or betrayal. He chose to walk away and then bring the baggage for us to carry. Some people can deal with that and others like myself cannot.

 

Too much damage had already been done but worth a try. The other thing is that although I loved him and still do, there comes a time when you realize that love is not enough and that's what is happening to me.

 

I will continue NC and continue healing. One day at a time but I know it will get better in time.

 

Did that feeling of not being able to trust him not help in getting over it?

 

I'm sure that's a sad realization but I would imagine you felt better about knowing that it wouldn't work and the fantasy you built up was just a farce.

 

I agree the baggage the exes bring is too much to carry. I've never tried to get a girl back sans my recent ex as she was the best match for me I've had to date.

 

But now that 6 months have gone by I really feel the pain she caused me can never be overcome. I don't think I could ever trust her again - not that she is coming back but it makes me look at what's wrong rather than what WAS so good. It helps me move forward.

[kztar]

I want you to empathize with you about the terrible feeling of losing that person who was the best you ever had. I know that feeling so so well. I have gone through six yes six breakups with a woman I was certain was the love of my life. I can't give you any advice because I can't even get to the nc stage yet but I can tell you that I envy your strength and am inspired by it as well as your story. It is one of the worst feeling I've ever experienced and it felt good to hear that I'm not alone. No one in my support group gets it

 

Yes it is a totally different ballgame than someone who has treated you like crap from day 1 but you knew you were getting yourself into that situation so it's like your heartbroken but you know that there's better people out there. You decided you were okay with that situation and theres really no one to blame but yourself.

 

But loosing the best you've ever had kind of leaves you hopeless for the future right after. You didn't go out looking for this person, it just naturally happened and you feel like WOW this is it. Im with the ONE.

 

Then things don't work out and you are simply crushed. I want to be positive and remember that he is not perfect but I also remember that he was the closest to perfect i've ever experienced.

 

Please don't feel alone. It's hard. I am learning about self respect and that is what has helped me go NC. As good as he was, if he truly was GREAT he wouldn't have created such big hole in my heart. It's now empty and the idea of dating gets me SICK.

 

Please post on this thread as you are not alone. Try and go NC because it will only delay your healing process. Im saying try because it is easier said than done.

 

Hugs.

[kztar]

Did that feeling of not being able to trust him not help in getting over it?

 

I'm sure that's a sad realization but I would imagine you felt better about knowing that it wouldn't work and the fantasy you built up was just a farce.

 

I agree the baggage the exes bring is too much to carry. I've never tried to get a girl back sans my recent ex as she was the best match for me I've had to date.

 

But now that 6 months have gone by I really feel the pain she caused me can never be overcome. I don't think I could ever trust her again - not that she is coming back but it makes me look at what's wrong rather than what WAS so good. It helps me move forward.

 

Yes the feeling of not being able to trust in him as a person. I trusted that he wouldn't cheat on me because he never did, but I couldn't trust his intentions as his actions after our breakup were completely opposite.

 

as I mentioned before when we first broke up everyone was telling me THERE IS SOMEONE ELSE IN THE PICTURE, THERE IS SOMEONE ELSE. I kept saying NO there is not, he would NEVER EVER leave me for someone else.

 

A month later someone else was REALLy in the picture. Thats when I was crushed.

 

After we got back together turns out that I already knew about this girl. Well, when we were together maybe 3 months before the breakup he had mentioned someone was interested in him at work but this girl had a kid and she was told he had a gf and so on. I had a strong GUT feeling that made me feel REALLY insecure, In our relationship, I never saw any other girl as a threat ever and with this girl I DID.

 

Well this happened to be his girlfriend. This same girl. How could I believe that he was truly not interested in her? How could I trust that he was saying the truth ? How could I believe that he was just screwing the girl but he had a full blown relationship with her. So many questions he gave me answers to and I just didn't buy any of it. Could have been true could not but a year later I still think that he lied about SOMETHING.

 

It's not easy.

 

I learned that once an EX always an EX. Going back only brings more pain.

 

We would all love to have what once WAS but no longer is.

[Trichrome]

Thank you ktzar. I never would have thought that someone just typing the word hugs could make me feel like I had actually gotten one and give me strength but you did.

 

I have been affirming myself and preparing to say no more trying and go NC sunday when I have an opportunity to do it in person. I am trying to remind myself of all the reasons why it can't work and all of the pain that has been caused by not accepting that as opposed to nostalgic about all of the good stuff.

 

Something that has been difficult in my situation is that I was in a really bad accident and have been on bed rest following a complicated foot surgery. She had taken care of me the whole time and even after we broke up has continued to come everyday and prepare food, tidy up etc.

We always had a relationship where we nurtured each other a lot and we're very close physically holding hands touching alot stuff like that. Both of us are still completely in love with one another as well. These things are making it extremely difficult to sever ties . The reason this needs to stop is because we have these terrible blow out fights every couple of months and we cannot break the cycle. It always happens the same:

 

An issue will arise. Almost always an issue involving one or more of the children(she has 4) ( I have one with special needs). Typically these issues get pretty much ignored until I bring something up. If the subject is a sensitive at all then she will say I don't want to talk about it. The issue will usually continue to worsen, I continue to try to discuss resolution she continues to procrastinate. Eventually things reach critical mass and I say listen we really needed to discuss this. We Begin discussing the problem and then she becomes defensive probably because I am not being careful enough and have become frustrated. Then she shuts down. I continue to try to resolve and she does things like completely ignore me, engage in other activities, plug her ears etcetera.

Eventually it gets to the point where she either rolls over and put in earplugs or goes to another room in the house. This is when I lose my cool. I have realized that I have fear of abandonment issues from a really traumatic childhood. When she shuts down the conversation I have a panic attack. I follow her to wherever she is and won't stop talking. Begging her to at least hug it out and agree to talk more tomorrow.

She continues to tell me to stop talking and then when I do not, gets angry and then we're in a full-blown fight. These fights always end in her leaving or me asking her to leave. The escalation is so awful. And the next day we are beside ourselves with grief. I spent thousands on counseling, we discussed this horrible cycle repeatedly and have just never been able to fix it.

 

My Abandonment issues are a massive part of the problem. I was in a 15 year long relationship previously to this one and I thought i had healed those issues. I realize now that This new relationship ripped that wound wide open. I fell deeply in love with a woman who had struggles being a responsible parent. A woman who also had some real communication issues. I think I tried to fix her...much as a woman with an alcoholic parent might fall in love with an alcoholic and try to fix them. Sigh. It is clear that we are both too broken in our own way to find common ground on this. But both of us agree that we have never loved as hard and this is not our first rodeo.

 

If anyone has any advice for me it would be greatly appreciated. I need to be the bigger person and end this. To walk away from the most intense connection I have ever felt.

 

It is going to take a good week before we can be completely NC due to the fact that I have agreed to let her use my vehicle for a week, need to remove her cell phone from my family plan and she is physically unable currently to remove all of her possessions from my house. Should I wait to end it until then or do it now I'm so confused any bit of advice would mean the world to me

[kztar]

Tri I understand but is there anyone else that can help you?

 

You need to go NC ASAP. Don't prolong it

[kztar]

Weekend is here , weather is great in NYC and im staying in to watch tv and relax. I have no energy to do anything.

 

I think im going to work on a list of all the negatives about my EX, maybe that will help me move on faster?

 

The worst part is that I am thinking about what he could be doing. Im sure he's in great shape and happy while im here STUCK. It sucks

[PLT]

Indeed it does suck. I wonder what my ex is doing most days too. The truth is, that our ex's are also wondering what we are doing. They will never admit to it of course, but I'm certain of it.

 

A list of all the reasons it will never work, ie all the things that are not in your control to change, is good. It makes you realize quite how much there is.

 

Another thing I have found slightly amusing, and extremely cathartic is to pretend you are making an honest dating profile for them. Mine would go something like this...

 

About (insert ex name here)

 

When we first meet you will think I'm the cutest thing you've ever met, and that I wouldn't harm a fly. It's not real, but that's how I like to project myself to sucker in fools like you. I lack empathy and humility, because I'm perfect. I will not take any responsibility for my actions or behaviour. Everything will be your fault, and nothing will ever be resolved because I like the power that holding something over you gives me, no matter how minor it is. I will berate your achievements or accomplishments as I'm not the center of that and that just won't do.

 

I will do and say absolutely anything to win every argument. Nothing is off limits for me. I will berate your family, your friends, your children, your dreams, your past that you stupidly trusted me with, and anything else that takes my fancy if it gets you to back down. I don't compromise but you should. After all, your purpose is to keep ME happy.

 

I will try my hardest to make you jealous, and will really enjoy sowing seeds of doubt in your mind at every opportunity. I do this so that when I sense you are getting insecure, I can play on that to make me feel better about myself. I love playing mind games. Don't tell anyone but I think I'm quite the expert at it.

 

I'm a bully. If I don't get my way I'll throw a temper tantrum, and will then do whatever it takes to make YOU pay for it. I get angry, a lot. You should like this about me as it shows that I care!

 

But just look at my photos. I have the cutest face, and I wear sexy figure hugging dresses all the time. I know I'm sexy as I always have men wanting to get into my pants. I will make sure you are reminded of this daily. You will know that at any time I can replace you with a click of my fingers. Be grateful that I haven't yet.

 

I will not tell you what you have done to upset me, as if you cared about me you would just know. My only topics of conversation are me, and you. Me, about how perfect I am and how you are so lucky I allow you to be in my life. And you, how terrible you are and how lucky you are to have someone like me.

 

Oh one last thing. All the rules I make for you (or anyone else for that matter) are not applicable to me. Also, the rules are subject to change without notice or explanation. The rules may often contradict themselves, but that's your problem to work out, not mine. Don't expect any rational discussion regarding our relationship. I'm right. You are wrong. That's all you need to know.

 

But I'm soooooo cute! I'm a real catch!

 

PS - Don't believe all the early crap I feed you about how you are so different to all my other relationships, and how I'm so lucky to have found you. I say this to everyone. It's just to build you up so I can knock you back down again.

 

PPS Did I mention that I'm perfect?

[kztar]

Indeed it does suck. I wonder what my ex is doing most days too. The truth is, that our ex's are also wondering what we are doing. They will never admit to it of course, but I'm certain of it.

 

A list of all the reasons it will never work, ie all the things that are not in your control to change, is good. It makes you realize quite how much there is.

 

Another thing I have found slightly amusing, and extremely cathartic is to pretend you are making an honest dating profile for them. Mine would go something like this...

 

About (insert ex name here)

 

When we first meet you will think I'm the cutest thing you've ever met, and that I wouldn't harm a fly. It's not real, but that's how I like to project myself to sucker in fools like you. I lack empathy and humility, because I'm perfect. I will not take any responsibility for my actions or behaviour. Everything will be your fault, and nothing will ever be resolved because I like the power that holding something over you gives me, no matter how minor it is. I will berate your achievements or accomplishments as I'm not the center of that and that just won't do.

 

I will do and say absolutely anything to win every argument. Nothing is off limits for me. I will berate your family, your friends, your children, your dreams, your past that you stupidly trusted me with, and anything else that takes my fancy if it gets you to back down. I don't compromise but you should. After all, your purpose is to keep ME happy.

 

I will try my hardest to make you jealous, and will really enjoy sowing seeds of doubt in your mind at every opportunity. I do this so that when I sense you are getting insecure, I can play on that to make me feel better about myself. I love playing mind games. Don't tell anyone but I think I'm quite the expert at it.

 

I'm a bully. If I don't get my way I'll throw a temper tantrum, and will then do whatever it takes to make YOU pay for it. I get angry, a lot. You should like this about me as it shows that I care!

 

But just look at my photos. I have the cutest face, and I wear sexy figure hugging dresses all the time. I know I'm sexy as I always have men wanting to get into my pants. I will make sure you are reminded of this daily. You will know that at any time I can replace you with a click of my fingers. Be grateful that I haven't yet.

 

I will not tell you what you have done to upset me, as if you cared about me you would just know. My only topics of conversation are me, and you. Me, about how perfect I am and how you are so lucky I allow you to be in my life. And you, how terrible you are and how lucky you are to have someone like me.

 

Oh one last thing. All the rules I make for you (or anyone else for that matter) are not applicable to me. Also, the rules are subject to change without notice or explanation. The rules may often contradict themselves, but that's your problem to work out, not mine. Don't expect any rational discussion regarding our relationship. I'm right. You are wrong. That's all you need to know.

 

But I'm soooooo cute! I'm a real catch!

 

PS - Don't believe all the early crap I feed you about how you are so different to all my other relationships, and how I'm so lucky to have found you. I say this to everyone. It's just to build you up so I can knock you back down again.

 

PPS Did I mention that I'm perfect?

 

This is actually really good. My list is sooooo long. I just worked on bullet points

[kztar]

Another day. Got my car washed and went to pick up some stuff from storage.

 

Another day of feeling blah blah blah.

[Trichrome]

Blah blah blah is progress over heartbreak! I really like the idea of compiling a list of reasons things wouldn't work and or negative qualities. I'm going to make a list of all the great qualities as well not to be nostalgic but so that I can look at them side-by-side and see how much longer the negative list is. Thank you for this gift of shifted perspective.

[BeyondConfused1n]

Yes it is a totally different ballgame than someone who has treated you like crap from day 1 but you knew you were getting yourself into that situation so it's like your heartbroken but you know that there's better people out there. You decided you were okay with that situation and theres really no one to blame but yourself.

 

But loosing the best you've ever had kind of leaves you hopeless for the future right after. You didn't go out looking for this person, it just naturally happened and you feel like WOW this is it. Im with the ONE.

 

Then things don't work out and you are simply crushed. I want to be positive and remember that he is not perfect but I also remember that he was the closest to perfect i've ever experienced.

 

Please don't feel alone. It's hard. I am learning about self respect and that is what has helped me go NC. As good as he was, if he truly was GREAT he wouldn't have created such big hole in my heart. It's now empty and the idea of dating gets me SICK.

 

Please post on this thread as you are not alone. Try and go NC because it will only delay your healing process. Im saying try because it is easier said than done.

 

Hugs.

 

 

I can relate to losing the "Best you ever had" as my Ex was that person. She had just about everything I wanted in a women. (except our dog issues) which makes this just that much harder, and magnified by the feelings that she is now gone. I lost her. It took me almost 2 years to find her, and only 1 year before it all comes crashing down. You're left thinking how this person can just pick up and move on like that. It gives you the feeling that you were not worth as much to them as they were to you.

 

 

Trying to go NC is brutal. This is still very fresh for me within the last five days. I mean we just did Valentines day together, and now it's all over.

 

 

I've fought and fought to keep this person in my life and try to find solutions to working together, but she just walked away. Not even three days later she doesn't want to talk anymore. She's too busy, and out with friends. Guess she's not nearly as hurt as she claims she is, or just really doesn't give a damn.

 

 

You're right about when a women tends to make up her mind. That's the way it goes, and as for men. They tend to be a bit more open.

 

 

I also fully believe in your OP statement about giving it all you have in order to try and resolve your issues while you're in a relationship because once it's over. It's just too hard to go back. Things will never feel the same. You will never view one another the same. And with all the pain (we) are left behind to deal with. What is the point of going back? I truly believe if there's anything left to chance, or you have not tried everything. You should do everything possible before departing one another. That way you are never left wondering what if, and that is exactly what I am left with.

 

 

I'm having a hard time with NC as this person was a very big part of my life. Yes, the relationship was only 1.4 years long, but like you said. When it feels like you lost "the one" and this relationship was better than your previous relationships combined. It's nearly impossible to even think of NC. When the last year we would talk everyday. First person I spoke to in the Morning. Last person I would speak to before bed, and now they are gone. Just like that.

[SevenCity]

I can relate to losing the "Best you ever had" as my Ex was that person. She had just about everything I wanted in a women. (except our dog issues) which makes this just that much harder, and magnified by the feelings that she is now gone. I lost her. It took me almost 2 years to find her, and only 1 year before it all comes crashing down. You're left thinking how this person can just pick up and move on like that. It gives you the feeling that you were not worth as much to them as they were to you.

 

 

Trying to go NC is brutal. This is still very fresh for me within the last five days. I mean we just did Valentines day together, and now it's all over.

 

 

I've fought and fought to keep this person in my life and try to find solutions to working together, but she just walked away. Not even three days later she doesn't want to talk anymore. She's too busy, and out with friends. Guess she's not nearly as hurt as she claims she is, or just really doesn't give a damn.

 

 

You're right about when a women tends to make up her mind. That's the way it goes, and as for men. They tend to be a bit more open.

 

 

I also fully believe in your OP statement about giving it all you have in order to try and resolve your issues while you're in a relationship because once it's over. It's just too hard to go back. Things will never feel the same. You will never view one another the same. And with all the pain (we) are left behind to deal with. What is the point of going back? I truly believe if there's anything left to chance, or you have not tried everything. You should do everything possible before departing one another. That way you are never left wondering what if, and that is exactly what I am left with.

 

 

I'm having a hard time with NC as this person was a very big part of my life. Yes, the relationship was only 1.4 years long, but like you said. When it feels like you lost "the one" and this relationship was better than your previous relationships combined. It's nearly impossible to even think of NC. When the last year we would talk everyday. First person I spoke to in the Morning. Last person I would speak to before bed, and now they are gone. Just like that.

 

I know all too well the pain. It took me 37 years to find my "one". I've been through many women and a marriage and the RL I had with her was better than all the others combined.

 

Our bond was stronger than any I have had with another human being in my life, friends and family included. For her as well. And she walked away.

 

I'm at 6 months of NC and it still hurts but not nearly like at the beginning.

 

If the beginning was akin to having your heart ripped out of your chest, now it's like low grade chest pains. It's there but I'm able to function.

 

Speaking of, I see why they call it a broken heart. My chest pains were so bad at the beginning months I had several medical exams (EKG, Eco cardiogram, stress test, and chest X-ray). They came back negative which I had mixed feelings about as I was hoping for death to end my emotional pain.

 

In the very beginning I couldn't eat or sleep. I lost about 30 lbs in the first month then another 10 shortly thereafter (and I wasn't fat). Life was pure hell and sleep would be my only salvation until I had a nightmare about her.

 

But I'm hopeful for the future and I have hope for you guys as well. If I could make it this far so can you. I had few friends to lean on and my family is all out of state. She was my family and my best friend.

 

The only thing that's gotten me this far is my dog. If not for her I would be dead.

 

You'll get better in time.

[kztar]

I can relate to losing the "Best you ever had" as my Ex was that person. She had just about everything I wanted in a women. (except our dog issues) which makes this just that much harder, and magnified by the feelings that she is now gone. I lost her. It took me almost 2 years to find her, and only 1 year before it all comes crashing down. You're left thinking how this person can just pick up and move on like that. It gives you the feeling that you were not worth as much to them as they were to you.

 

 

Trying to go NC is brutal. This is still very fresh for me within the last five days. I mean we just did Valentines day together, and now it's all over.

 

 

I've fought and fought to keep this person in my life and try to find solutions to working together, but she just walked away. Not even three days later she doesn't want to talk anymore. She's too busy, and out with friends. Guess she's not nearly as hurt as she claims she is, or just really doesn't give a damn.

 

 

You're right about when a women tends to make up her mind. That's the way it goes, and as for men. They tend to be a bit more open.

 

 

I also fully believe in your OP statement about giving it all you have in order to try and resolve your issues while you're in a relationship because once it's over. It's just too hard to go back. Things will never feel the same. You will never view one another the same. And with all the pain (we) are left behind to deal with. What is the point of going back? I truly believe if there's anything left to chance, or you have not tried everything. You should do everything possible before departing one another. That way you are never left wondering what if, and that is exactly what I am left with.

 

 

I'm having a hard time with NC as this person was a very big part of my life. Yes, the relationship was only 1.4 years long, but like you said. When it feels like you lost "the one" and this relationship was better than your previous relationships combined. It's nearly impossible to even think of NC. When the last year we would talk everyday. First person I spoke to in the Morning. Last person I would speak to before bed, and now they are gone. Just like that.

 

Hi Beyondconfused,

 

It truly sucks to find someone who is everything you've ever wanted and have some ajor compatibility issue. M ex was everything I wanted and more. He was insecure and ruined everything.

 

When he came back into my life I knew I wasn't ready but I loved him so much and I miss what we had in the past. The main that he caused me was something that I couldn't let go of. If we would have worked out our issues before breaking up, as hard as the pain could of been, it wouldn't reach all the baggage he came back with.

 

I remember dayssss before we broke up the first time, just DAYS I was so happy to come see him. I looked at him sleep and still felt lucky to have met someone like him. Second time around I looked at him and didn't feel a bit lucky or privileged to have met him at all. It was more like I want to feel that but I just cant look at you and see you like WOW you're the best when I know you've been the worst.

 

SUCKS major time. GO NC and don't look back. Specially if she is with her friends and having fun. I know how much that hurts. My ex has done this BOTH times. He made sure to tell me is he is happy AF while im here trying to even put a fake smile on my face.

 

Selfish behavior at it's best. "When someone shows you who they are, believe them".

[kztar]

I know all too well the pain. It took me 37 years to find my "one". I've been through many women and a marriage and the RL I had with her was better than all the others combined.

 

Our bond was stronger than any I have had with another human being in my life, friends and family included. For her as well. And she walked away.

 

I'm at 6 months of NC and it still hurts but not nearly like at the beginning.

 

If the beginning was akin to having your heart ripped out of your chest, now it's like low grade chest pains. It's there but I'm able to function.

 

Speaking of, I see why they call it a broken heart. My chest pains were so bad at the beginning months I had several medical exams (EKG, Eco cardiogram, stress test, and chest X-ray). They came back negative which I had mixed feelings about as I was hoping for death to end my emotional pain.

 

In the very beginning I couldn't eat or sleep. I lost about 30 lbs in the first month then another 10 shortly thereafter (and I wasn't fat). Life was pure hell and sleep would be my only salvation until I had a nightmare about her.

 

But I'm hopeful for the future and I have hope for you guys as well. If I could make it this far so can you. I had few friends to lean on and my family is all out of state. She was my family and my best friend.

 

The only thing that's gotten me this far is my dog. If not for her I would be dead.

 

You'll get better in time.

 

Seven,

 

Thank you for your words. It really does help alot to read about others and their progression. It has been a month for me since the official breakup and 2 weeks NC. Sometimes I still have the urge to contact him but then I think "what the hell do I have to say to him, is not like we can work through our problems even if he wanted to because he blew it the first time so really what would be the POINT?" and then it passes.

 

I know that there is hope it is just such a sucky feeling. And just to think that one day I want to get married. Im terrified of going through this again.

 

Hugs guys.

[kztar]

Blah blah blah is progress over heartbreak! I really like the idea of compiling a list of reasons things wouldn't work and or negative qualities. I'm going to make a list of all the great qualities as well not to be nostalgic but so that I can look at them side-by-side and see how much longer the negative list is. Thank you for this gift of shifted perspective.

 

I agree it is. I had nightmares last night though. I had a dream that I was part of a murder. I woke up feeling terrible and crying, luckily it was only a dream. I had a dream like this while being with him maybe about 1.5 months ago. Maybe it had to do with all the stress he caused me.

 

I bet your negative list will be alot longer than the positive.

[BeyondConfused1n]

I know all too well the pain. It took me 37 years to find my "one". I've been through many women and a marriage and the RL I had with her was better than all the others combined.

 

Our bond was stronger than any I have had with another human being in my life, friends and family included. For her as well. And she walked away.

 

I'm at 6 months of NC and it still hurts but not nearly like at the beginning.

 

If the beginning was akin to having your heart ripped out of your chest, now it's like low grade chest pains. It's there but I'm able to function.

 

Speaking of, I see why they call it a broken heart. My chest pains were so bad at the beginning months I had several medical exams (EKG, Eco cardiogram, stress test, and chest X-ray). They came back negative which I had mixed feelings about as I was hoping for death to end my emotional pain.

 

In the very beginning I couldn't eat or sleep. I lost about 30 lbs in the first month then another 10 shortly thereafter (and I wasn't fat). Life was pure hell and sleep would be my only salvation until I had a nightmare about her.

 

But I'm hopeful for the future and I have hope for you guys as well. If I could make it this far so can you. I had few friends to lean on and my family is all out of state. She was my family and my best friend.

 

The only thing that's gotten me this far is my dog. If not for her I would be dead.

 

You'll get better in time.

 

 

Wow. That's tough. I don't know how you're able to get through this pain. It's surreal and the depression feelings feel like its taking over. I cant eat or sleep either. I cant bring myself to do anything at all, but think about her, and what is no longer.

 

 

You hit the nail on the head. The only salvation comes in 15 - 30 minutes when I'm lucky enough to pass out due being so exhausted only to jump right up to a nightmare about her with my chest / heart pounding and in excruciating pain.

 

 

I also have few friends to lean on and my family isn't as close either, so I'm left putting this together all by myself. She was also my family, and my best friend. This is so hard...

[BeyondConfused1n]

Hi Beyondconfused,

 

It truly sucks to find someone who is everything you've ever wanted and have some ajor compatibility issue. M ex was everything I wanted and more. He was insecure and ruined everything.

 

When he came back into my life I knew I wasn't ready but I loved him so much and I miss what we had in the past. The main that he caused me was something that I couldn't let go of. If we would have worked out our issues before breaking up, as hard as the pain could of been, it wouldn't reach all the baggage he came back with.

 

I remember dayssss before we broke up the first time, just DAYS I was so happy to come see him. I looked at him sleep and still felt lucky to have met someone like him. Second time around I looked at him and didn't feel a bit lucky or privileged to have met him at all. It was more like I want to feel that but I just cant look at you and see you like WOW you're the best when I know you've been the worst.

 

SUCKS major time. GO NC and don't look back. Specially if she is with her friends and having fun. I know how much that hurts. My ex has done this BOTH times. He made sure to tell me is he is happy AF while im here trying to even put a fake smile on my face.

 

Selfish behavior at it's best. "When someone shows you who they are, believe them".

 

 

Hello kztar,

 

 

I agree. Once someone leaves and decides to try and come back a few months later to try and work things out. I would imagine that its never the same and it would be next to impossible to start things over. You already have all the memories from the original relationship, and you for sure never forget the fallout we get to deal with, so I'm with you on trying to resolve every last perspective before you check out. Leave nothing on the table.

 

 

I'm having a very difficult time going NC. It's still all so fresh. She's already pretty much in NC. I've tried to reach out to her and find solutions we could have missed, or find ways to work with one another, but she has shut me out completely. It's dirty, and I feel like at this point I am just dragging in the mud, while she is out with her friends, and going on weekend trips but claims to also be hurt. I guess the person that gets left is always the one that is left the worst off, but I don't have much choices left, and I guess I don't really need NC if she is already there. She's not going to come back. She is not that type of person. She has a lot going for her and will happily move on to find someone that I guess allows dogs to sleep in the bed. Clearly noted by her current choices. Plus, this is pretty much all she has said in the last 2 days was its over, she is not going to change as she doesn't believe she should set any boundaries for her or the dogs, and she is happy with how she is, so that's what I'm left with.

 

Your quote about "When someone shows you who they are, believe them" this is very true. Although, my now Ex was a good person. Sometimes I feel I contributed to this as there are always two people in a relationship. Don't get me wrong our relationship was amazing, but arguing over the dogs got worst and worst to the point where we just argued one time over something stupid, and she pulled the plug.

 

Pretty strange when four days before she was telling me she loves me and I was dropping off flowers for her for Valentines day and planned a special evening. Fast forward to today, and I could have never guessed the end was this close.

Edited February 20, 2017 by BeyondConfused1n

[SevenCity]

Seven,

 

Thank you for your words. It really does help alot to read about others and their progression. It has been a month for me since the official breakup and 2 weeks NC. Sometimes I still have the urge to contact him but then I think "what the hell do I have to say to him, is not like we can work through our problems even if he wanted to because he blew it the first time so really what would be the POINT?" and then it passes.

 

I know that there is hope it is just such a sucky feeling. And just to think that one day I want to get married. Im terrified of going through this again.

 

Hugs guys.

 

Thank you, and right back at you.

 

That's what helped / helps me through NC - what could I say? As she moved out I was quite clear that she should call me if she ever changed her mind - and only if she changed her mind. I admit I sent one text 3 months in to re-open the door as friends were telling me she might be too afraid. She never responded.

 

I have no desire to reach out to her now. I admit I would love it if she called me but she left me and ignored my one text 3 months in so she obviously has no interest.

 

In your situation you've already made up your mind. That's both good and bad - good that you've closed the door, bad in that you realize it is final.

[SevenCity]

Wow. That's tough. I don't know how you're able to get through this pain. It's surreal and the depression feelings feel like its taking over. I cant eat or sleep either. I cant bring myself to do anything at all, but think about her, and what is no longer.

 

 

You hit the nail on the head. The only salvation comes in 15 - 30 minutes when I'm lucky enough to pass out due being so exhausted only to jump right up to a nightmare about her with my chest / heart pounding and in excruciating pain.

 

 

I also have few friends to lean on and my family isn't as close either, so I'm left putting this together all by myself. She was also my family, and my best friend. This is so hard...

 

I've got a loaded .45 pistol next to my bed. I can't tell you how many times I wanted to use it to end the pain and check out. The only thing that prevented me was the responsibility of taking care of my dog. If not for her I would have done it without a doubt.

 

That feeling lasted for about 4 months - nearly every night. I would stare at my gun and think "just one click and this will be all fixed". But then I would look at my dog and think "I've got to be strong so I can take care of you". I don't feel that way anymore but I would be lying if I said I cared whether I lived or died most days.

 

But, there are times when I'm actually able to laugh and have a good time now. The pain is still very real but I have little snippets of "Ill get past this". I hope that they will become more frequent. It's a roller coaster and you have up days and down. This past week has been tough for some reason.

 

The worst time for me was mornings. I would get up and feel fine for about 10 seconds and then I would remember everything. How my future was now gone, how I lost the love of my life, and how I would have to try and make it through work until lunch so I could go cry in my car. That was the toughest.

 

I hope in another 6 months I'll be past this but it will take as long as it takes unfortunately.

 

Like I said. If I can do it, you can too.

[BeyondConfused1n]

I've got a loaded .45 pistol next to my bed. I can't tell you how many times I wanted to use it to end the pain and check out. The only thing that prevented me was the responsibility of taking care of my dog. If not for her I would have done it without a doubt.

 

That feeling lasted for about 4 months - nearly every night. I would stare at my gun and think "just one click and this will be all fixed". But then I would look at my dog and think "I've got to be strong so I can take care of you". I don't feel that way anymore but I would be lying if I said I cared whether I lived or died most days.

 

But, there are times when I'm actually able to laugh and have a good time now. The pain is still very real but I have little snippets of "Ill get past this". I hope that they will become more frequent. It's a roller coaster and you have up days and down. This past week has been tough for some reason.

 

The worst time for me was mornings. I would get up and feel fine for about 10 seconds and then I would remember everything. How my future was now gone, how I lost the love of my life, and how I would have to try and make it through work until lunch so I could go cry in my car. That was the toughest.

 

I hope in another 6 months I'll be past this but it will take as long as it takes unfortunately.

 

Like I said. If I can do it, you can too.

 

 

SevenCity - I'm glad to hear you are pulling through one way or another. Progress sounds like its a crawl, but day by day maybe things will get better for us all? It's very sad, and painful. I'm dazzed and confused as to what all this means, or why we have such horrific lows.

 

 

Right now for me it's every second, minute, hour that I feel, and remember everything of how the love of my life just left.

 

 

I don't have any pets, and in my situation the pets were one of the top main reason for our relationship to come crashing down.

Edited February 20, 2017 by BeyondConfused1n

[SevenCity]

SevenCity - I'm glad to hear you are pulling through one way or another. Progress sounds like its a crawl, but day by day maybe things will get better for us all? It's very sad, and painful. I'm dazzed and confused as to what all this means, or why we have such horrific lows.

 

 

Right now for me it's every second, minute, hour that I feel, and remember everything of how the love of my life just left.

 

 

I don't have any pets, and in my situation the pets were one of the top main reason for our relationship to come crashing down.

 

That's what it was like for me at first. Every waking minute of every day - it was torture. Now I have moments where I don't think about it so it has gotten better. Still frequent, but nothing like it was. I can only feel that this is the progression to full healing.

 

Yes, it's ironic that dogs were the cause of your pain and the salvation from mine. Keep thinking about that though. How horrified you were of the smell every time you went into her bedroom. How she was so unwilling to compromise and how she set no boundaries for her dogs and likely wouldn't have with your future kids. At one point I'm sure you were thinking of ending it because of this, no?

 

But when someone ends it first you lose all control. It has a detremental effect on your ego and causes intense pain. Not to say this has all to do with ego but it's a big part. It causes you to overlook all the problems and focus on only the good. It's hard to remember the bad times but they were there - otherwise you wouldn't have broken up.

 

I would recommend seeing a therapist. It will help you determine your role so you can prevent it from happening in the future. It does help to speak to someone who is forced to listen too. It's not a magic fix but overall I think it's been helpful. I did some things that pushed her away which I won't do if I ever find a girl I want to make a gf again.

 

But the only true fix is time

Edited February 20, 2017 by SevenCity

[Trichrome]

Beyond confused, I can't begin to tell you how much I feel your pain. I thought about ending it with my ex a million times over the issues she had with poor judgement and slack parenting but I never did. We cared for each other so much that both of us turned a blind eye to some major compatibility issues for a long time. This created a situation full of resentment and unfortunately I have lost one of the best friends I ever had. You need to focus on those compatibility issues. Focusing on all of the negatives that she brought to the table is the only thing that gets me through the day.

She was borderline neglectful towards her 4 children and dogs.

She was selfish and arrogant

She expected too much from others and took advantage

She was an alcoholic who refused to see the problem

She had very poor communication skills

four children and two dogs not getting their needs met created massive stress

She was 41 years old and still hadnt figured it out.

Trying to keep up with her situation was mentally exhausting.

She was so into Facebook and watching movies that I would just stare at the ceiling towards the end

 

How I fell in love with someone like that I am not sure. I will tell you this. She was beautiful. Drop Dead Gorgeous 5-10 long blonde hair softest skin I had ever felt. She smelled fantastic always I don't know why but something about the way she smiled just always gave me goosebumps. She held me like I have never been held and our passion was unparalleled. The eye contact and electricity was incredible as was the sex the entire year and a half. We shared a deep connection. Same humor... could always finish each other's sentences and could order dinner without having to ask because we knew each other so well.

 

I will never forget all of the good things and the good times we shared the feeling of that wonderful connection but I spend my days reading that first part of the list. I couldn't live like that and she wasn't going to change. I was becoming unhappy. She was definitely the best I ever had. But a life with her would have been a life of Chaos, stress and resentment.

 

Today she comes to get her things. We will have a final discussion and a hug. And then I'm going hardcore NC. I might even move. Now that I have my freedom back I can do whatever I want. All that money I was spending taking care of her children and her will be spent doing things that I love to do. No more impossible schedules. No more bickering and state of constant conflict between children. I keep telling myself things like this. Stay strong everybody and wish me luck

[spiderowl]

I expect you are emotionally exhausted. You have been through this relationship twice now and it has not worked. It sounds like he was not the most empathic person in the world and it is bound to hurt that he is not suffering from the break-up. You are but that shows you are a person with feelings and who is capable of love.

 

I would imagine you are feeling down about the break-up (as anyone would be), disappointed that you risked it again, and, as I said, exhausted. You just need time to recover.

 

You might have forgotten what it is like to feel good too. This is something you can build up by having happy experiences with people who care about you and by achieving things that matter to you. It is all to easy to feel battered and forget that that is not the norm for you because it has become so familiar. I am sure with healing time you will regain your old self. This time you will be stronger because you know what matters to you. You will know what to look for in a relationship. The experience was not good but it is experience and you have learned such a lot.

[kztar]

Okay guys so here it goes. I went backwards today and broke NC.

 

I woke up this morning and I just truly missed him and what we had and I broke it. I reached out to him through whatsapp. I was an idiot I know I know I was thinking that we could have a real second chance in the future. When maybe all the pain is gone, because what we initially had was so beautiful. Im not over it something is wrong with me because that is over.

 

He told me to leave him alone and to NEVER contact him again. He told me he has not hated anyone in a long time but that he HATES me and he told me to go rot in hell. Ouch that hurt. He's not that kind so I know his hate feelings are strong.

 

He told me that we can't even be friends EVER. He said that the day I left those rotten flowers in our apt for him to clean up, along with broken weeding invitations, he threw it all in the garbage and it has been picked up. I def left the place a mess, I was angry. When I reached out to him the day before I picked up my furniture he ignored me and then told me that he was having fun and living life. That his life wont stop for me and that he was happy. That I could be miserable by myself. He also told me "thanks for helping me pay the rent for the month of February". When we broke up I told him to speak to the landlord and tell her what was going on so that he could get the deposit back. I couldn't pick up my belongings until the 4th of this month so he offered to pay the rent for the month while being unemployed. He refused and kept pushing it (He's dismissive avoidant) so I left it up to him. I spoke to the landlord myself but I was not willing to pay anything. We broke up in mid January, we had more than enough time to get it together.

 

We had some plans of maybe working it out but I knew how much he wanted to stay at home because he is unemployed.He decided to QUIT his job with no backup in December when he had $2,200 worth of rent bills a month. He blamed this on me as well. He said this was my fault because "I wanted him to quit" FALSE. I did not like his job because it was full of whores, and that's where he met his EX, the one right after me whom I knew about while being with him. I was waiting for him to leave to the army before he quit. Granted I hated the place but it was helping us pay our bills.He intended in waiting for an Army job as a commissioned officer but his medical clearance took a while and from the looks of that the military in the US is a WAITING game. It's all on their time. The whole point is I didn't want to tell him what to do and I told him "are you sure you want to quit?" his response was "I'll have a job in January, don't you trust me?" So I left it alone because if I nagged everyday, WOULD have been a PROBLEM. He spent all December playing video games while I went to work and honestly it became a huge turnoff. He always claimed to become lazy around me, because I am laid back and don't have plenty of hobbies in the winter. I like to RELAX after being out of the house for 12 hours a day in between work and commute. Im a spring/summer/fall girl. I hate going out after the weather reaches below 30FH. I go to work because I must.

 

I know I screwed up bad, I left him. He said I walked out and that said alot because I would normally not do that. I left because I was stressed and overwhelmed. He did not talk to me or eat for 48 hours. He kept saying only one of us could be happy that we would never be happy together. I couldn't take it anymore. I was getting emotionally DESTROYED. I tried and tried to talk and he refused. Kept saying the same thing over and over again that only one of us could be happy but never happy together. To add on he began talking to some girl that liked him about our problems and I was not willing to forgive that without him apologizing. Instead he refused to stop talking to her and said that I didn't understand him and that she did. Every time I tried to talk to him, he told me hes not a verbal communicator, I mean I really didn't know how else to TRY or communicate.

 

I feel bad at this situation and everything he told me. I know im not perfect but at the same time I feel some satisfaction at the fact that he is now experiencing some pain. Last year he dumped me and went right into his rebound and told me he didn't even think of me AT ALL. I know I shouldn't feel good at all but yeah.

 

Why am i so stupid to even want someone like this back? I just feel like ill never meet someone better than him. I see him going on and the girl who ends up with him will be lucky. I probably wont find anyone like him or better. He did tell me that I had no self respect or self worth before I met him and he was right. I always settled for very little and when he showed me the way a real woman is supposed to be treated I fell HARD. Im TORN

[kztar]

He's also blocked me EVERYWHERE. He said to let him heal. I guess we are both dumpees this year