Broke up with my ex to prove a point

[demitrius009]

No, don't stoop to her level. NC is to heal yourself and move on. Be the adult, as she is being the child. Tell her what the new terms are and move on.

 

You are moving on, it is better for both of you to not be in contact.

 

I thought NC would work to move on but now she has called and texted me repeatedly. I finally responded but I want out, although I feel bad. I don't know what to do.

[demitrius009]

Demitrius, welcome to LoveShack. I agree with Jamili that you are describing a R/S that "sounds toxic" -- or, as Donnivain states, is very "dysfunctional." I also agree with Enddeck that your exGF's behavior sounds "controlling, abusive and immature." The behaviors you describe -- i.e., irrational anger, controlling actions, temper tantrums, verbal abuse, lack of impulse control, always being "The Victim," and rapid flips between adoring you and devaluing you -- are some of the classic warning signs for BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder).

 

Importantly, I'm not suggesting your exGF has full-blown BPD but, rather, that she may exhibit moderate to strong traits of it. I also caution that BPD is not something a person "has" or "doesn't have." Instead, it is a "spectrum" disorder, which means every adult on the planet occasionally exhibits all BPD traits to some degree (albeit at a low level if the person is healthy). At issue, then, is not whether your exGF exhibits BPD traits. Of course she does. We all do.

 

Rather, at issue is whether she exhibits those traits at a strong and persistent level (i.e., is on the upper end of the BPD spectrum). Not having met her, I cannot answer that question. I nonetheless believe you can spot any strong BPD warning signs that are present if you take a little time to learn which behaviors are on the list. They are not difficult to spot because there is nothing subtle about behaviors such as always being "The Victim," lack of impulse control, and temper tantrums.

 

BPDer relationships are notorious for having numerous breakups. A BPDfamily survey of about 460 such relationships found that nearly a fourth of them (23%) went through 10 or more complete breakup/makeup cycles BEFORE finally ending for good. About 40% of the BPDer relationships experienced at least six breakup/makeup cycles before eventually ending. And 73% had three or more breakup/makeup cycles before finally ending. See "Results" at BPDfamily Breakup/Makeup Poll.

 

The repeating cycle of push-you-away and pull-you-back is one of the hallmarks of a BPDer relationship. It occurs because a BPDer's two great fears (abandonment and engulfment) lie at the opposite ends of the very same spectrum. This means that it is impossible for you to back away from triggering one of her fears without starting to trigger the other fear.

 

As you draw close to assure her of your love, for example, you will trigger a BPDer's engulfment fear because, although BPDers crave intimacy, they cannot tolerate it for very long. Due to a BPDer's fragile, weak sense of self identity, she will quickly feel like you're trying to control her -- and she will get the scary feeling of being suffocated or engulfed. She therefore will create a fight -- over absolutely nothing -- to push you away.

 

Yet, as you back away to give her breathing space, you unavoidably will start triggering her abandonment fear. Hence, if your exGF is a BPDer (i.e., has strong traits), you were always in a lose/lose situation. You lost no matter what you did.

 

If she is a BPDer, she may be able to trust you for a few days -- but not for any extended period. One reason is that, being emotionally unstable, she is unable to trust HERSELF. Until she learns how to do that, she will be unable to trust her partners for any extended time period.

 

Another reason for the lack of trust, if she is a BPDer, is that it is impossible to convince her that you truly love her and will remain loyal to her. A BPDer is filled with so much self loathing that, even when she is convinced that you love her AT THIS VERY MOMENT, she lives in fear that you will abandon her as soon as you realize how empty she is on the inside.

 

With BPDers, the only exception to that inability to trust occurs during the courtship period, a time of infatuation that typically lasts 4 to 6 months. During that brief period, her infatuation convinces her that you are the nearly perfect man who has come to rescue her from her unhappiness. In this way, the infatuation holds her two fears (abandonment and engulfment) at bay. She therefore is briefly convinced you will never walk out on her.

 

As soon as that infatuation starts evaporating, however, those two fears return and you will start triggering the anger she's been carrying since early childhood. At that point, it will be impossible to prove to her that you will never leave her and that you dearly love her.

 

If she is a BPDer, she is so emotionally immature that she has never developed a strong sense of "object constancy." That is, she never learned that a partner's feelings of love toward her are roughly constant from day to day. The result is that, no matter how many sacrifices you make for a BPDer, it is impossible to build up a store of good will or appreciation you can draw on during the hard days. That accumulation of good will never happens because a BPDer cannot understand that a stable partner won't flip and turn against her. Hence, with BPDers, you will frequently hear "What have you done for me lately?"

 

Because BPDers typically have the emotional development of a four year old, you will see this same "lack of appreciation" in young children. A very young girl, for example, will adore Daddy while he is bringing out the toys and -- then in an instant -- flip to hating Daddy when he takes one toy away.

 

Having "tumultuous" relationships is another red flag for strong BPD traits. Indeed, one of the 9 defining traits for BPD is "A pattern of intense and unstable relationships with family, friends, and loved ones, often swinging from extreme closeness and love (idealization) to extreme dislike or anger (devaluation)." See 9 BPD Traits at NIMH.

 

As noted above, BPDers typically flip back and forth between idealizing and devaluing their partners. It therefore is common for BPDers to demonize all their ex-partners and to idealize their newest partners. Hence, if your exGF really is a BPDer, she very likely is now bad mouthing you (along with all of those other exBFs) to her friends. And she likely will tell her new partner that he is "the first boyfriend who has actually cared about her."

 

If your exGF is a BPDer, she has such a painful feeling of emptiness inside that she needs to frequently create DRAMA to fill up that emptiness -- and to distract her from the pain. Hence, "peace in this relationship" is an impossible goal with a BPDer unless she has already had years of individual therapy to learn how to manage her issues.

 

Learning to spot these BPD warning signs will NOT enable you to diagnose your exGF's issues. Only a professional can determine whether her BPD symptoms are so severe as to constitute full-blown BPD. Yet, like learning warning signs for stroke and heart attack, learning those for BPD may help you avoid a very painful situation -- e.g., avoid taking her back and avoid running into the arms of another woman just like her.

 

I therefore suggest you take a quick look at my list of 18 BPD Warning Signs. If most of those red flags sound very familiar, I would suggest you also read my more detailed description of them at my posts in Rebel's Thread. If that description rings many bells, I would be glad to discuss them with you. Take care, Demitrius.

 

 

Thanks downtown, but now she is begging me back. I don't want to do this. What should I do? I don't want her to go crazy on me, and they way you described above, I think she does have BPD. I feel so stuck. What should I do.

[Downtown]

Thanks downtown, but now she is begging me back. I don't want to do this. What should I do?

Go NC -- and do it right this time by blocking all her calls and emails. If she is a BPDer as you suspect, walking away from her is going to be painful because she exhibits so many child-like qualities. You therefore will feel like you're walking away from a sick child whom you dearly love. I therefore will suggest some online articles that should be helpful.

 

For good online articles written by professionals, I recommend Surviving a Breakup with Someone Suffering with BPD and also recommend Leaving a Partner with BPD. Both are in the resources section of BPDfamily. Two other good articles are Pain of Breaking Up and Divorcing a Narcissist. If you want a book, I would recommend Stop Walking on Eggshells, which is the best-selling book targeted to the abused partners of BPDers.

 

I also suggest that you consider seeing a psychologist (not a MC) -- for a visit or two all by yourself -- to obtain a candid professional opinion on what it is you've been dealing with.

[springy]

Thanks downtown, but now she is begging me back. I don't want to do this. What should I do? I don't want her to go crazy on me, and they way you described above, I think she does have BPD. I feel so stuck. What should I do.

 

BLOCK her. You are headed for round 2463. You've already said the stuff isn't important so let her keep it, throw it away, whatever. Just stop the madness. Stop wasting time. She isn't going to change.

Edited February 14, 2017 by springy