Shall I ask ex for closure? Left with more questions than answers!

[Rockykk]

My ex suddenly broke up with me when she met someone on holiday. But tbf our relationship had not been the same the last couple of months, we were having problems. What shocked me was the cruel and heartless way my ex suddenly cut me out of her life. She still admits that we loved eachother somuch.

 

We broke up 7 months ago(together for almost 2 years) and she didn't give me any closure whatsoever. On the night before she introduced me to a friend of hers that she wanted me to get to know everything seemed so normal, which is what left me feeeling confused. The next day she decided enough was enough, out of the blue blocked me everywhere and just left without leaving a trace. This has given me a strong desire to reach out to her again and ask her "how could you just leave me like I was nothing?..why didn't you communicate with me if you were so unhappy? Why couldn't it have been more amicable? How could you betray my trust like that? I trusted you more than anyone. " etc. You get the point.To make matters worse she has a bf now too.

 

Is it ever a good idea to bring up these things with an ex if given the opportunity? I did break NC(big mistake )and called her the other day. I only said to her that "it's not that you left it's how you went about it" she said " it was the only way to do it ... why are you bringing up the past?"

 

 

Thinking back that has made me more angry, because it's not that she wants to move on but I think she doesn't want to go through the guilt. What do you think, if I get the opportunity should I ask her for closure and answers to my questions? Or is that a bad idea? It's killing me and I'm still in shock after 7 months. It's like I need closure to fully move on but I don't know to go about it. I can't let her get away with this with her conscience still clear in her mind.

Edited February 9, 2017 by Rockykk

[d0nnivain]

You get closure from yourself not the OP. Even if you got a chance to ask all your Qs, the other person doesn't have the words to answer you to your satisfaction.

[PrettyEmily77]

You can ask her - whether you get the answers you are looking for is another thing, especially after 7 months.

 

Besides, she is with someone else - doesn't that constitute closure in itself?

[Rockykk]

My ex left me for some other guy 7 months ago(though tbf I pushed her away - I neglected her near the end). I loved her a lot, still do.Anyway out of the blue, she blocked me everywhere and left no trace. Most painful thing I had ever felt. 3 months later I got in touch with her looking for closure. She said to leave her alone. She said I treated her like crap. Then she went on to gloat "I met this new guy and everything's happened so quickly. He respects me. And we've already talked babies and marriage" I was absolutely shocked. More astounded that she didn't give a damn about hurting my feelings since she's always protected me emotionally and took care of me. She knew this would make me feel like crap particularly to say it when our break up was still fairly fresh.

 

So 3 months after that. I called her again (I know I shouldn't have). This time she said we were both bad to eachother at the time and we're both to blame. She's still with the same guy. Anyway, I said to her I will be getting engaged, just to spite her and get her back after the way she gloated to me on the phone. as childish as it was, it felt really good. But a part of me felt a little guilty though I don't regret saying it. It was kinda like silly revenge. I honestly have no idea if she took it well or not. But if she's moved on like she said she had, then it shouldn't matter.but knowing her I know it stung a little at least.

 

Truth is I'm seeing someone but there's no engagement plans yet. And we don't have mutual friends so she'll never know.

Edited February 9, 2017 by Rockykk

[d0nnivain]

First closure comes from you not the other person.

 

 

As revenge goes, that one was childish but otherwise not too bad. What's done is done.

 

 

Your best move now is to fully go NC. Heal. You haven't done that yet which says your present GF is more of a rebound then you want to admit.

 

 

Eventually you will get over your EX

[keiji]

Dumpee's revenge is a bad idea most of the time, since they dumper usually doesn't care anymore. They're in a vantage position and they see through you too, so she probably knows you were running a bluff.

 

What did you acomplish anyway? Some fleeting satisfaction at the most.

[Lilyana76]

The best revenge you can get is to move on and live a happy life without her.

 

Why play these silly little games? If shes moved on, so should you. Stop calling her, stop contacting her at all. Get your sh*t together and your head on straight. Do some growing up, so the next relationship you are in, you don't have to play immature little games.

[nobodyIam]

Closure comes from you,nothing she says will make you go "poof, I dont love her any more". There will always be "but ifs" and "but whys".

 

To be honest, the less you know,the easier it will be.

[Rockykk]

I know it was childish. But I just got even. She's the one that was rubbing in my face that she's already thinking babies and marriage with this new guy only 3 months after a break up.my heart broke into pieces. I could hear her smile through the phone, she was loving it. And I do believe she cares,straight after that she didn't want to talk anymore. Knowing the kinda person she is I know it hurt her. We both always talked about getting married which is why it's such a big deal to her. Even before she dumped me she told my sister that she wanted to marry me.

 

And on second thoughts it felt really good since she's the one that started the childish games in the first place. And it was all intentional on her part. All I did was give her a taste of her own medicine. Btw I have not contacted her since.

Edited February 9, 2017 by Rockykk

[keiji]

Good, but again, what did you accomplish? Nothing. You're not there to see what she feels like after you gave her that info. If you were after some kind of satisfaction by seeing her hurt, you haven't even been given that.

 

Revenge will get you nowhere unless you're some cowboy in a movie.

Edited February 9, 2017 by keiji

[Been]

I'm telling you from experience DONOT ask for closure. Listen to me please.

You are going to find out things that is just going to make it hurt more.

And that's IF she is truthful which more then likely won't be the case.

9 times out of 10 from what I witnessed her sudden departure means that their is someone else in the picture. And usually it was going WHILE you were together. I know its hard but just walk away.

[Ronni_W]

This is one of my favourite LoveShack posts (from another thread) that speaks to the idea of - and, for some, obsession with - closure.

[preraph]

Well, she's got eyes, so I'm sure her first thought when you said you were engaged was "Lucky girl, she's getting the guy who keeps begging to get me back." She saw right through that.

[Zahara]

What do you think, if I get the opportunity should I ask her for closure and answers to my questions? Or is that a bad idea? It's killing me and I'm still in shock after 7 months. It's like I need closure to fully move on but I don't know to go about it. I can't let her get away with this with her conscience still clear in her mind.

 

Closure is you surrendering to the demise of your relationship and accepting everything that came along with it. You give yourself that. Don't fight it.

 

There are no answers to your questions. Even if there were, it would not change the situation, nor would you ever be able to determine if those answers are genuine or made up to appease you. It's a futile exercise. It doesn't give you anything, but likely present more unanswered questions.

 

Throughout your grieving and healing, your head is going to be filled with these types of thoughts. Will you reach out to her everytime a bulb goes off in your head? No, you navigate through those demons on your own and come to terms with it.

 

The closure you seek is denial. Accept that it is over and focus your energy on what's ahead. Digging into the past doesn't change your present. She's moved on and so should you.