Closure

[Mike2534]

I'd like to find out if anyone has advice on how to get over someone when they don't give you closure? I fall a part every time an go into a void. My last three relationships ended badly. The women went from sweet caring considerate creatures to cold hearted an mean individuls. When they told me why they left me they said it over text, refused to talk on the phone or in person. Said mean things as to why they left me an seemed like almost made fun of me an took pride in trying to hurt me. My last ex told me I'm gay because I joked about kissing my guy friend because I was in a good mood about something an ended up smacking his ass instead, does that really say I'm

gay or is very odd behavior to very good guy friends ? I'm 38 straight an she was 34 an super classy an proper. I just don't understand how people can go from so nice an caring to taking pride in talking down an making fun of you when you have done everything for them to make them happy. The sudden change in attitude shocks me every time An makes me go into a depression.

Edited February 6, 2017 by Mike2534

[Blanco]

Closure doesn't come from the other person, no matter how we might convince ourselves otherwise.

[Chi townD]

When was the last time you ever heard of a girl dumping a really nice guy that treated them well? Never. When was the last time you heard a girl saying they dumped a really nice guy because they were bored of the relationship? Not too often. When was the last time you heard of a girl stating she dumped a nice guy because she was openly cheating on them? Never.

 

See, they have to demonize you in their head. They have to make you the bad guy in this. They are never going to admit that the demise of the relationship was their fault at all. It's always something that YOU did. Or something that YOU didn't do. If they make you the bad guy, it's easier for them to walk away because they justified it in their head that this is your fault. It eases the guilt.

 

Make sense?

[SerPundnes]

When was the last time you ever heard of a girl dumping a really nice guy that treated them well? Never. When was the last time you heard a girl saying they dumped a really nice guy because they were bored of the relationship? Not too often. When was the last time you heard of a girl stating she dumped a nice guy because she was openly cheating on them? Never.

 

See, they have to demonize you in their head. They have to make you the bad guy in this. They are never going to admit that the demise of the relationship was their fault at all. It's always something that YOU did. Or something that YOU didn't do. If they make you the bad guy, it's easier for them to walk away because they justified it in their head that this is your fault. It eases the guilt.

 

Make sense?

 

 

This makes sense. But do you think women can ever realize that it wasn't all their EX BFs fault? If so, is that where 2nd chances comes from?

[Ronni_W]

When they told me why they left me they said it over text, refused to talk on the phone or in person.

Are there any reasons-in-common that they are telling you?

 

As Blanco said above, the idea-belief that you can't move on without getting 'closure' from someone else is false. Some people can even go into the mindset that they are owed or entitled to 'closure'; as if it is a responsibility, obligation or debt of the other person.

Not saying that this is you -- only that 'closure' isn't what people commonly make it out to be.

 

If you've heard the same complaints and/or reasons for breaking up, but from different partners, then that's a good place to start looking for where things start to go wrong/downhill when you're in a relationship.

 

Best of luck.

[preraph]

If someone has walked away and left you know venue to contact them or talk about it, they presume that you know exactly what you did or how you are and why you would break up with them.

 

They don't owe you closure. Leave her alone and realize she knew you weren't right for each other.

[Zahara]

I just don't understand how people can go from so nice an caring to taking pride in talking down an making fun of you when you have done everything for them to make them happy. The sudden change in attitude shocks me every time An makes me go into a depression.

 

A quote that I found and have often revisited:

 

If you are willing to look at another person's behavior towards you as a reflection of the state of their relationship with themselves, rather than a statement about you or your value as a person, then you will, over a period of time, cease to react at all.

[Mike2534]

When was the last time you ever heard of a girl dumping a really nice guy that treated them well? Never. When was the last time you heard a girl saying they dumped a really nice guy because they were bored of the relationship? Not too often. When was the last time you heard of a girl stating she dumped a nice guy because she was openly cheating on them? Never.

 

See, they have to demonize you in their head. They have to make you the bad guy in this. They are never going to admit that the demise of the relationship was their fault at all. It's always something that YOU did. Or something that YOU didn't do. If they make you the bad guy, it's easier for them to walk away because they justified it in their head that this is your fault. It eases the guilt.

 

Make sense?[/quote

. Now that I know this I feel so much better because it makes sense an I understand what's going on. Thank you so much.

[Mike2534]

Are there any reasons-in-common that they are telling you?

 

As Blanco said above, the idea-belief that you can't move on without getting 'closure' from someone else is false. Some people can even go into the mindset that they are owed or entitled to 'closure'; as if it is a responsibility, obligation or debt of the other person.

Not saying that this is you -- only that 'closure' isn't what people commonly make it out to be.

 

If you've heard the same complaints and/or reasons for breaking up, but from different partners, then that's a good place to start looking for where things start to go wrong/downhill when you're in a relationship.

 

Best of luck.

 

The biggest common problem I have is I'm a very nice guy. I spoil my women an fall hard an most women take advantage of it

[Marc878]

The biggest common problem I have is I'm a very nice guy. I spoil my women an fall hard an most women take advantage of it

 

If you put too much effort into a relationship this can happen. It should be balanced @ 50/50

 

This is your problem to fix. You should learn from the past what it's gotten you.

[Mike2534]

If someone has walked away and left you know venue to contact them or talk about it, they presume that you know exactly what you did or how you are and why you would break up with them.

 

They don't owe you closure. Leave her alone and realize she knew you weren't right for each other.

 

 

The last night I saw her I took her out with my best friend cause I wantyed her to meet my best friend an him meet the woman I cared for. At the start of the date we were great, totally holding hands. By the end of the night she was all into my friend an wouldn't talk to me anymore. She hugged him good bye an handed me my car keys an told me to "never bother her again" after all we have been through together one night with my best friend an we are done forever....later I found out my so-called friend told her I was a player an grabbed grabbed her ass an I didn't see it. She blamed it all on me an just was going to move on without telling me till I tried to ask about things. I didn't know any of it had happened. So yrah the gal I fell for is now seeing my ex best friend.

[Marc878]

He is and never was a friend and if she's that stupi you're better off with out her. Block them both out of your life.

 

Read up

"No More Mr Nice Guy" free PDF download

[Bromeo]

One quote I've read that stuck with me about closure is that going back for closure means you get the joy of being dumped twice.

 

In my case, all I wanted was some clear communication about things after months of games. It made me nuts.

 

Closure doesn't matter, and if it's needed, comes from within.

 

Best part is when she started emailing and playing games after a month of nc, I got the pleasure of dumping her. Not the same as her insane behavior, but a small part of me got to smile, as I am damn sure no other man has told her to buzz off ever. Lol

 

You being able to walk away from something that is hurting you is representative of your self worth and value. Took me 38 years to learn it. Don't take as long as I did.

[Sweetfish]

One quote I've read that stuck with me about closure is that going back for closure means you get the joy of being dumped twice.

 

In my case, all I wanted was some clear communication about things after months of games. It made me nuts.

 

Closure doesn't matter, and if it's needed, comes from within.

 

Best part is when she started emailing and playing games after a month of nc, I got the pleasure of dumping her. Not the same as her insane behavior, but a small part of me got to smile, as I am damn sure no other man has told her to buzz off ever. Lol

 

You being able to walk away from something that is hurting you is representative of your self worth and value. Took me 38 years to learn it. Don't take as long as I did.

 

 

Do not beg.

Do not plead.

Do not cry.

Dont ask why.

 

Just thank them for the experience and move forward.

 

Do don't facebook stalk.

Do not respond to text.

Do not get wrapped in games.

 

Spend the next weeks grieving and slowly piece your self back together.

 

 

This is one of the best way to walk away from the relationship. Take time to see where your faults are and fix thoses.

 

You did your best and next time you will be even better.

 

That is the best closure.

[Mike2534]

If you put too much effort into a relationship this can happen. It should be balanced @ 50/50

 

This is your problem to fix. You should learn from the past what it's gotten you.

 

I'll try thank you.

[Mike2534]

One quote I've read that stuck with me about closure is that going back for closure means you get the joy of being dumped twice.

 

In my case, all I wanted was some clear communication about things after months of games. It made me nuts.

 

Closure doesn't matter, and if it's needed, comes from within.

 

Best part is when she started emailing and playing games after a month of nc, I got the pleasure of dumping her. Not the same as her insane behavior, but a small part of me got to smile, as I am damn sure no other man has told her to buzz off ever. Lol

 

You being able to walk away from something that is hurting you is representative of your self worth and value. Took me 38 years to learn it. Don't take as long as I did.

 

I like that. Being able to walk away from something hurting you is representative of your value an self worth...thanks

[Mike2534]

Do not beg.

Do not plead.

Do not cry.

Dont ask why.

 

Just thank them for the experience and move forward.

 

Do don't facebook stalk.

Do not respond to text.

Do not get wrapped in games.

 

Spend the next weeks grieving and slowly piece your self back together.

 

 

This is one of the best way to walk away from the relationship. Take time to see where your faults are and fix thoses.

 

You did your best and next time you will be even better.

 

That is the best closure.

 

I like how you said do not, do not, now that I see that it makes it easier to not do it. The last thing I said to her was "thanks for telling me what my friend said bad about me" an ended it. Thanks for the advice

[Ronni_W]

The biggest common problem I have is I'm a very nice guy. I spoil my women an fall hard an most women take advantage of it

So...here are a few problems that come through in your post: You are, in one or more ways, being the wrong kind of 'very nice guy', and, thereby allowing yourself to be taken advantage of. The latter suggests lack of awareness/gullibility on your side. Then also, the mindset that thinks in terms of 'my women' - the way it's expressed here - can very easily digress into the antiquated notions that saw women as chattel until the most-recent century. (It's not not the thinking of a player; so, it's possible that, once this was brought into her conscious awareness, she realized that there was some truth behind his characterization of you.)

....later I found out my so-called friend told her I was a player an grabbed grabbed her ass... She blamed it all on me <snip> So yrah the gal I fell for is now seeing my ex best friend.

First, 'A man is known by the company he keeps'. Second, the same lack of awareness that prevents you from being able to select a girlfriend who properly and truly values you and what you bring to the table - and who is not into using/disrespecting - also prevented you from seeing the true colours of your now-former 'best friend'. (Real friends do not do that to each other, never mind 'best friends'.)

 

Hugs, Mike2534; I know it sucks.

[Chi townD]

This makes sense. But do you think women can ever realize that it wasn't all their EX BFs fault? If so, is that where 2nd chances comes from?

 

They do this in the beginning. Demonize you to make it easier to walk away. But; once time has past, they do realize what they did was pretty crappy and that's usually when they reach out to you...see how you're doing and more importantly, MOST girls can't stand the fact that there might be someone on this planet that hates them or doesn't think that they are a nice person. So, that's when they reach out to you. Not for a second chance in most cases, it's to see if you actually do hate them for what they did. They're looking for you to ease their guilt and maybe even give them an ego boost. It's all selfishly motivated.

[Bromeo]

They do this in the beginning. Demonize you to make it easier to walk away. But; once time has past, they do realize what they did was pretty crappy and that's usually when they reach out to you...see how you're doing and more importantly, MOST girls can't stand the fact that there might be someone on this planet that hates them or doesn't think that they are a nice person. So, that's when they reach out to you. Not for a second chance in most cases, it's to see if you actually do hate them for what they did. They're looking for you to ease their guilt and maybe even give them an ego boost. It's all selfishly motivated.

 

I'm inclined to agree with this. For months I tried every nice, gentlemanly thing I could think of to try and get through to mine. Poetry, calls, gifts, songs, everything. I finally went NC and she started her games up about a month later. At that point I told her off, and never to bother me again.

 

In my case, it was completely appropriate for me to do so, and my friends got in a line behind me and applauded when I did. Sometimes a pretty girl, who is used to being pretty, simply needs to hear what a beeyotch she is acting like.

 

Funny part is, after relating the saga to a mate of mine who went through almost the exact same thing, he said now that I've told her off, I'll get a crying phone call. I think not, and we bet a $125 bottle of wine on it. lol

 

Its counterintuitive, but the sooner the dumped regains their self confidence and establishes boundaries, the better chance they have of either obtaining their ex back, or finding someone even better.

 

my .02c

 

Dave

[mightycpa]

I think that the best way of immunizing yourself from the trauma of a woman given you a heartless dumping is to stop dating one woman only and to start dating more than one woman. Preferably three at one time. For some reason, that seems to take the sting out of it.

 

Failing that, when you get the heartless dump text, you text back

 

Wait, does that mean we're not going on that {insert fabulous activity here} ?

 

She will of course immediately text you back exclaiming that she doesn't know what you're talking about, and that's when you hit her with:

 

Oh, sorry. Wrong number. OK, no problem, thanks for letting me know. Good luck.

 

Be sure to include the smiley face, and be gracious.

[Chi townD]

The biggest common problem I have is I'm a very nice guy. I spoil my women an fall hard an most women take advantage of it

 

Yup! That is your biggest problem!

 

You're putting women up on a pedestal. And I'll tell you that most women don't want that. Because, sooner or later they are going to realize that you placed them up there. You've elevated them above yourself. They'll start to realize that they are looking down at you and that it's easy to step all over you at that height.

 

Most women want to be at their man's side. Walking through life side by side and hand in hand. As equals and as partners. Where both parties have something equal to bring to the table.

 

If you're in a relationship where all you do is give, give, give and all they do is take, take, take.....then you're in the wrong relationship. Now, I'm not saying to treat women like dirt, but there needs to be and equal amount of give and take. And you would know these women that would take advantage of your generosity. Hell, we see it on here all the time. You'll see stories of guys taking their girlfriends on a very expensive vacation and as soon as they get back, they break up with them and they find out they're dating someone else within the week. They didn't want you, they wanted that trip!

 

There are women out there that know how to treat their man right. Trust me, she's out there and she waiting for you to find her. To quote Silent Bob from the movie Clerks, "There's not too many girls out there that will bring you homemade lasagna to work for you just because". Or something like that. So, don't lose faith!

[Chi townD]

Funny part is, after relating the saga to a mate of mine who went through almost the exact same thing, he said now that I've told her off, I'll get a crying phone call. I think not, and we bet a $125 bottle of wine on it. lol

 

 

Meh, I have a feeling you might win that bet. Another part of them reaching out is to find out how you feel about them. If you respond like you did by going off on her, it has the same affect that they were looking for, you to ease their guilt. She calls you up and you blast her, she can say to herself, "Wow! What a complete Douche Rocket! I don't need this! I'm glad I dumped his ass!" now you've given her a reason to forgive herself and ease her guilt.

 

That's why I'm a strong supporter of NC (No Contact). When you go completely dark in NC. She has no idea if you are angry, she has no idea if you're sad. She has no idea if you're happy, she has no idea if you're moving on and she has no idea if you're indifferent towards her. YOU GIVE HER NOTHING when you go NC. Now, she has no choice but to hold onto that guilt.

 

And we want our Ex's to hold onto that guilt. Not to punish them, but to have them learn from it. That you can't treat people the way you treated them and expect them to be okay with it.

Edited February 7, 2017 by Chi townD

[Bromeo]

Meh, I have a feeling you might win that bet. Another part of them reaching out is to find out how you feel about them. If you respond like you did by going off on her, it has the same affect that they were looking for, you to ease their guilt. She calls you up and you blast her, she can say to herself, "Wow! What a complete Douche Rocket! I don't need this! I'm glad I dumped his ass!" now you've given her a reason to forgive herself and ease her guilt.

 

That's why I'm a strong supporter of NC (No Contact). When you go completely dark in NC. She has no idea if you are angry, she has no idea if you're sad. She has no idea if you're happy, she has no idea if you're moving on and she has no idea if you're indifferent towards her. YOU GIVE HER NOTHING when you go NC. Now, she has no choice but to hold onto that guilt.

 

I completely see your point. In my case, I was so tired of the games, the wondering, and the nonsense, that I wanted to have my say and be done. Her behavior was punishing, and I was done with it.

 

After conferring with several trusted female advisors, who stated that a good blasting would only validate her dumping of me (your point), I calmly delineated my case in a voicemail. I may have seemed a bit weak, but I had held on to it for so long that it was giving me a sick headache.

 

And we want our Ex's to hold onto that guilt. Not to punish them, but to have them learn from it. That you can't treat people the way you treated them and expect them to be okay with it.

 

This exactly. My intention was not to punish, but loving relationships are built on communication. In my case, I was being punished by 4am texts, even though I had not seen her in person for 2-3 months. I am 38, and past the point of playing psych games with a dame who doesn't care.

 

My experience taught me the value of clear communication. Whether I hear from her again is irrelevant. It is truly her loss.

[Ronni_W]

And we want our Ex's to hold onto that guilt. Not to punish them, but to have them learn from it.

The deep, inherent flaw in this strategy, though, is that nobody has ever learned anything by holding on to their guilt feelings -- women and men only learn once they start to let go of whatever negative feeling(s) to which they're attached. You will see that it works the same for feeling sad or depressed that you got dumped -- as long as you just stay holding onto feeling sad, depressed or like a victim, you're not learning a thing!