He made demands after intercourse

[salparadise]

So just go NC?

 

I'm feeling like he doesn't need an explanation.

 

 

I'd be careful about it. He's already acting like he owns you and #2 sounds like a veiled threat. My thinking is do it in a way such that he doesn't feel "dissed." For example, saying the sex was great but you're not ready to be in a relationship will be a lot easier on his ego than being cut off with no explanation.

[GemmaUK]

If he knows where you work and live be very careful.

 

I agree, make an excuse for not wanting to date. Be polite but keep a log - he isn't going away soon.

 

He has already threatened you.

You need to take that seriously.

[Poe77]

Hi guys. So long story short. I'm seeing a guy who seems cool...I guess. He's kind of controlling and seems restrained. I don't mind a man who likes being in control somewhat, but with him i sense that he's trying hard to appear the opposite. My only concern is that he didn't make any demands or crazy comments to me until after we had sex.

 

The weird demands /requests:

 

• he wanted me to tell any guys I was seeing that I'm now seeing someone (him) exclusively
  
• he said he'd take extreme measures if he found out I was seeing another guy
  
• He wanted me to get his name tattooed on me. I laughed it off
  

 

My Question: Does anyone think that a guy like this (controlling/street dude who's used to people almost fearing him) would be trying HARD to make himself appear super normal or in control to avoid being seen as weak, especially over a lady? ....I say that because he'll make a comment then be super laid back then he'll make another weird statement the fall back again...it's weird.

 

The 1st ones not really weird to me he slept with you clearly he thinks that means more then you do why that wasn't made clear before hand is kinda confusing and might be the entire problem that said the other two things are creepy and over the top even if a relationship was implied before the sex..I think its best to just make things clear walk away and cut ties

[callmesally]

The 1st ones not really weird to me he slept with you clearly he thinks that means more then you do why that wasn't made clear before hand is kinda confusing and might be the entire problem that said the other two things are creepy and over the top even if a relationship was implied before the sex..I think its best to just make things clear walk away and cut ties

 

Thank you. And I like your signature btw.

 

Some context: I do value sex...I really do. I don't sleep around and I believe that it should be one person at a time. However, I'm jus bringing up some of his comments to gauge the "normalcy" of things. I do like him .

 

I do like him. He's not a street thug like some may presume. He's a business owner and spends lots of time dealing with that. Perhaps he feels like I will stray away because he's so busy and I'm younger than him...etc. I don't know. But I work too and my work is pretty demanding. We're both working adults. I have other interests outside of just work. He knows that. He has asked me how often Im involved with my other activites. Many guys are bothered by the fact that much of what I do requires .email to be in the presence of lots of males. One of my exes' mom's told me after we broke up that her son was so jealous and got really upset about me being around so many guys. I never knew because that ex never told me that! Why wouldnt he.... i coukdnt helped ease his mind...

 

Anyway, Both my job and other interest requires me to be around lots of males.(no I'm not a stripper ). I'm just saying this to give you context about us.

 

In previous relationships I almost ALWAYS bail sooner than later. Why? Maybe out of fear or just low tolerance for other people's "stuff". So this time I'm trying to be clear headed while being fair.

 

Yeah, he sounds a bit wierd. I feel like with his type of "background" , he feels like his wierd comments are normal in getting people to respect him or pay attention. Crazy but true. I've dealthough with a similar guy before only that guy wasn't as forthright. So the inevitable was just delayed...

 

I know my picker is off. The work I do requires I deal with individuals who are "different". I've known for some time that i relate to the individuals I service because there's something inside of me that allows me to relate. I get that and it's a challenge separating that dynamic from work-to my personal life...

 

I'm not totally off but i realize that I'm a different type of chic and men always tell me it's hard to read me. They get frustrated and I do too because I'm misunderstood often especially by men. They think I don't care so they either make these wierd demands or play mind games thinking it will make me pay more attention. All it does is makes me bail...

Edited February 5, 2017 by callmesally

[linzmoon]

Sounds like as soon as you guys had intercourae he defined the relationship and wants to take control of your life.

It's good his true colors are coming out before your feelings for him develop.

Taking charge is one thing, demanding you to get his name tatttooed is too much, doesn't sound like he was joking.

Please walk away before his behavior escalates.

Good luck

[ElizabethIII]

I think going NC with no explanation may not be the best. It may cause him to seek her out.

 

I would keep all his texts in case you need to show the police.

[callmesally]

Thanks.

 

All these comments were said in person, not via text.

[callmesally]

Sounds like as soon as you guys had intercourae he defined the relationship and wants to take control of your life.

 

By telling me to get his name tattooed? That's clearly not something I'm doing. Otherwise, he's not calling or texting excessively. Anything that can be tracked he didn't do. Accept for sent me some nude pix of himself while I was at work during the time when he knew I couldn't take messages. And I erased those pix by mistake...

 

Either he's pacing himself or has realized that I'm not the one he can control. Then again could that mean he would try mind games after he appeared to be acting "normal " for a period of time...

[preraph]

I don't doubt that this advice is right. This is where I get real about me though. The fact that I don't want to let him go makes me feel like something must be off with me. Yes I have some personal childhood issues, but I I'm getting help now.

 

I feel so bad and so stupid that I don't see the urgency to tell this guy to completely stop contacting me.. it's depressing and I sometimes don't know what to do to get through another day just knowing that "damn. This is another fail." I've read similar threads in here.everyone's situation is different.

 

I'm so tired of this dating stuff.

 

Well, you are right at the beginning of trying to sort it out and change. I would suggest to you that if this is the kind of people you're letting in, then time to just work on yourself and NOT date yet. Get some professional help to work through some of this childhood stuff that is making this behavior seem somewhat normal to you. Sometimes we grow up with bad situations and people we had to learn to deal with, so then we have these skills to deal with bad people, and then to some extent it seems familiar to us, almost normal and we know how to deal with some of it, so we let people in who no one else would accept at the first bad sign.

 

This isn't a fail. For one thing, no one says you have to meet someone and marry. A fail would be if you don't work on yourself. A win would be if you get some help and work out what is making you accept certain things and then take some years if needed to change your outlook and behavior.

 

You're quite lucid about it. So many people are not. So I think if you'll just stop thinking you must date someone right now and work on it, you'll be glad you did down the line. Good luck.

[smackie9]

Whether this is a ruse to get rid of you, or to have control over you or he was joking....that don't matter. What matters is his behavior is unacceptable, and remove yourself from this situation. To cover all bases, tell him through text, list his demands and say no to all of them, and to not contact you again. You need to have a record of that conversation so if he gets stalker weird on you, you have actual proof you said no.

[E3ZY219]

RUN! Sounds like a control freak and a potential abuser.

[HandsomeAndLonely]

Hi guys. So long story short. I'm seeing a guy who seems cool...I guess. He's kind of controlling and seems restrained. I don't mind a man who likes being in control somewhat, but with him i sense that he's trying hard to appear the opposite. My only concern is that he didn't make any demands or crazy comments to me until after we had sex.

 

The weird demands /requests:

 

• he wanted me to tell any guys I was seeing that I'm now seeing someone (him) exclusively
  
• he said he'd take extreme measures if he found out I was seeing another guy
  
• He wanted me to get his name tattooed on me. I laughed it off
  

 

My Question: Does anyone think that a guy like this (controlling/street dude who's used to people almost fearing him) would be trying HARD to make himself appear super normal or in control to avoid being seen as weak, especially over a lady? ....I say that because he'll make a comment then be super laid back then he'll make another weird statement the fall back again...it's weird.

 

Sounds like this guy has psych issues. He sounds very controlling, and I'd hate for you to be in this kind of relationship with a guy who seems bi-polar.

 

I'd steer clear of him, if you can.

Lastly, if you did bare-back sex with him, I would go to an STD clinic to get checked up.

Edited February 6, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[savvy2008]

I met a guy from online dating who seemed super cool and sweet. We met, the first night was good but after that he got weird, a little bit in the way that you describe this guy.

 

 

What I ended up doing, for my own safety, was phasing out. I didn't feel like he would have taken it well if I went NC with no explanation, as others have suggested. Unless you are in this position, you don't know how scary it can be.

 

 

My advice is to definitely break it off with him but tell him you're open to keep in contact, and don't want to just stop talking to him. Then slowly talk yo him less and less. This is my advice ONLY if you think he's crazy (sounds like it) and don't know what he's capable of. You don't want to ignore him and have him in your driveway when you're leaving for work, or showing up and bothering you.

[Cookiesandough]

I would not contact him again. What youre told to do when you have a stalker is cease all contact, period. Don't even look. Any kind of communication whether negative, positive, or neutral is fodder for a deranged person. They may think they can make you ready to be in a relationship. We see that all the time on this forum with normal people lol. You slept with him and he thinks you owe him now. He won't take that well. Avoid him at all cost. Contact the police if he makes any contact.

[callmesally]

Whether this is a ruse to get rid of you, or to have control over you or he was joking....that don't matter. What matters is his behavior is unacceptable, and remove yourself from this situation. To cover all bases, tell him through text, list his demands and say no to all of them, and to not contact you again. You need to have a record of that conversation so if he gets stalker weird on you, you have actual proof you said no.

I appreciate this post.

 

This is when I start getting anxiety and thinking about all the work on myself I have to do to not.only not allow future weirdos into my life but to pull away from the current guy. ...who I actually liked until his comments and wierd behavior.

 

This type.of stuff is a trigger for me. Making me stressed, depressed, not able to focus at work or other partstuff of ligw. Why? Because not matter how much you say it's not a fail for me, it kind of is. I'm not a spring chicken.I'm also not a whore nor a bad person. So how does ones life get so effed up like this? How could I be so naive to fall for these dudes.

 

I'm almost sick of myself.

 

I'm trying to mentally unpack chunks of b.s. so that I can get my mind right for another ****ing work day/week that I don't want to face.

 

Thanks tho. I really do appreciate your post.

[callmesally]

Sounds like this guy has psych issues. He sounds very controlling, and I'd hate for you to be in this kind of relationship with a guy who seems bi-polar.

 

I'd steer clear of him, if you can.

Lastly, if you did bare-back sex with him, I would go to an STD clinic to get checked up.

Thanks for your input.

 

Just curious. What are the signs of him or any guy who might be bipolar? I ask because you're not the first person to say that he sounds that way.

[callmesally]

Well, you are right at the beginning of trying to sort it out and change. I would suggest to you that if this is the kind of people you're letting in, then time to just work on yourself and NOT date yet. Get some professional help to work through some of this childhood stuff that is making this behavior seem somewhat normal to you. Sometimes we grow up with bad situations and people we had to learn to deal with, so then we have these skills to deal with bad people, and then to some extent it seems familiar to us, almost normal and we know how to deal with some of it, so we let people in who no one else would accept at the first bad sign.

 

This isn't a fail. For one thing, no one says you have to meet someone and marry. A fail would be if you don't work on yourself. A win would be if you get some help and work out what is making you accept certain things and then take some years if needed to change your outlook and behavior.

 

You're quite lucid about it. So many people are not. So I think if you'll just stop thinking you must date someone right now and work on it, you'll be glad you did down the line. Good luck.

 

Thank you.

 

I don't think I can just NOT date at this point. I spent the previous almost 8 months not dating and doing some real work on myself, including therapy for things issues from my past that I'd never addressed until like 2 years ago. Not dating was fine at first because I was trying to get over an ex....I've half way worked through that but I still think of him often. (I left him btw for several reasons . He wasn't happy. Yada yada) . Now though, I WANT to date but I don't HATE dealing with a man ego, craziness or scorned heart..

 

Anyway, I feel like I don't need to sit around getting more rusty. I need some type of male contact. Are you suggesting that i just turn down anine who I meet or do I just take it super slow?

 

I already feel void with relationships. I'm not ready to not date at all....all over again.

[preraph]

If you feel like you can say no and walk away once you see red flags and you're getting something out of meeting new guys, then go for it. I mean, you did see this red flag and hopefully you are going to end this relationship. As long as you can do that and not let them hang on, great. Some people who attract the sick ones are people who are reluctant to tell them to go away. That's how they get in, no boundaries.

 

I'm glad to hear you're already addressing those childhood issues. Best of luck going forward with that. If you have a good reliable healthy trustworthy friend, you might let them fix you up with someone they know is okay.

[callmesally]

If you feel like you can say no and walk away once you see red flags and you're getting something out of meeting new guys, then go for it. I mean, you did see this red flag and hopefully you are going to end this relationship. As long as you can do that and not let them hang on, great. Some people who attract the sick ones are people who are reluctant to tell them to go away. That's how they get in, no boundaries.

 

I'm glad to hear you're already addressing those childhood issues. Best of luck going forward with that. If you have a good reliable healthy trustworthy friend, you might let them fix you up with someone they know is okay.

Thank you.

 

You're right. I'm not sure how far in I will cut things off one I see red flags. I think this is part of what I want to work through. My learning style is "hands on". I don't learn much if I'm not even doing it/not practicing it.

 

I feel like the more I date the quicker I will put a stop to b.s. because I won't be going into it feeling like"wow...I miss sex or a mans touch,etc.

 

Nevertheless I do plan on breaking things off with guy in this thread. I'm starting now.

Edited February 6, 2017 by callmesally

[Els]

Dude sounds off his rocker.

 

Wanting exclusivity is fine... but the way he's going about it is downright creepy and possibly dangerous. A healthier person would just say, "Hey, I think we have something special here. I'd love to make our relationship exclusive, what say you?" instead of making a list of demands.

[coolheadal]

My question to you is why are you tolerating this sort of odd behavioral issue with him more mental than normal. He treats you like a head of cattle then he wants you to brand his name on your skin. Does that sound like someone you want to be in a relationship with. The controlling part is scary because what else is next? This could lead to abusive behavioral disorder, then what would you do about that? This guy has issues, if you okay with that just have to deal with it. I would never deal with this in a women.

[callmesally]

This doesn't really matter at this point, but I was going through my messages and came across one where we were talking about me going to his spot that evening.

 

That evening I had already made the decision(in my mind) that I didn't want to have intercourse that evening. So essentially, while we were watching tv at his home he mentioned his back being sore. I asked of there was anything icould do..massage it? He responded n

with a more sensual comment which included me rubbing my body across his back along with the massage. Caught me off guard ...pleasantly though. But I knew that would end up with us having sex. So I told him I didn't think he wanted that to happen that nite. I gave him a reasonable "feminine /monthly reason". He wanted it anyway. I still chose not to. Then as we discussed having to get to bed and our wakeup time, he made a comment presuming that I was staying over nite with him. But I already had my mind made up.so I kissed him as I told him I'm glad he wanted me to stay but that I wouldno be staying and that I'd be going home that nite. He remained stoic yet thoughtful...

 

Not sure if that whole scenario hurt his ego or not but things changed after that nite. Yes we still communicate but the dynamicsame shifted and he became more distant.

 

I don't know if all this is a matter of just a shot to the ego or what but either way as we've discussed he seems controlling and when people like that get jolted by someone not being controlled by them, they respond in wierd ways.

 

The last time I turned a guy down for sex, he too changed after that day... he eventually came back around but I knew his ego was hit a day he never ever acted the same toward me. I ended up NEVER having sex with that guy. One reason was his size not being the largest.

 

Now that I think about it, the current guy in this thread kind of disappointed me with his height. Not as tall as id expected. We were both in our cars when he asked for my digits.

 

Oh well.

Edited February 6, 2017 by callmesally

[Poe77]

Thank you. And I like your signature btw.

 

Some context: I do value sex...I really do. I don't sleep around and I believe that it should be one person at a time. However, I'm jus bringing up some of his comments to gauge the "normalcy" of things. I do like him .

 

I do like him. He's not a street thug like some may presume. He's a business owner and spends lots of time dealing with that. Perhaps he feels like I will stray away because he's so busy and I'm younger than him...etc. I don't know. But I work too and my work is pretty demanding. We're both working adults. I have other interests outside of just work. He knows that. He has asked me how often Im involved with my other activites. Many guys are bothered by the fact that much of what I do requires .email to be in the presence of lots of males. One of my exes' mom's told me after we broke up that her son was so jealous and got really upset about me being around so many guys. I never knew because that ex never told me that! Why wouldnt he.... i coukdnt helped ease his mind...

 

Anyway, Both my job and other interest requires me to be around lots of males.(no I'm not a stripper ). I'm just saying this to give you context about us.

 

In previous relationships I almost ALWAYS bail sooner than later. Why? Maybe out of fear or just low tolerance for other people's "stuff". So this time I'm trying to be clear headed while being fair.

 

Yeah, he sounds a bit wierd. I feel like with his type of "background" , he feels like his wierd comments are normal in getting people to respect him or pay attention. Crazy but true. I've dealthough with a similar guy before only that guy wasn't as forthright. So the inevitable was just delayed...

 

I know my picker is off. The work I do requires I deal with individuals who are "different". I've known for some time that i relate to the individuals I service because there's something inside of me that allows me to relate. I get that and it's a challenge separating that dynamic from work-to my personal life...

 

I'm not totally off but i realize that I'm a different type of chic and men always tell me it's hard to read me. They get frustrated and I do too because I'm misunderstood often especially by men. They think I don't care so they either make these wierd demands or play mind games thinking it will make me pay more attention. All it does is makes me bail...

 

Thanks for the complement

Ok moving on here ..

 

I dont get it most main stream jobs have you around men you work retail and half the store is prob men so why on earth would a BF get jealous of your working with guys?

 

Unless of course as you say its your "picker" and your habit of just picking stalkerlishious over controlling BFs? your not alone everyone's made bad relationship choices good news is you can change those tendencies if you are willing to admit accept and work on it.

 

I think you got two of those out of the way so far now you just need to stop making excuses for the repeating pattern how long and how much heart ake that's going to take are up to you really I can tell you once you have and are in a decent semi normal relationship you will wonder what the hell took you so long..

 

I do think this guy thought things were a little more serious then they are but I also think your not really in a healthy place to even have a stable relationship right now most of those comments are not normal and would be a massive red flag but you are almost rationalizing them do you see that?.. Op break things off with this guy take some time and work on you..eventually things will be become clearer and a better guy will come along for you..

[Space Ritual]

Hi guys. So long story short. I'm seeing a guy who seems cool...I guess. He's kind of controlling and seems restrained. I don't mind a man who likes being in control somewhat, but with him i sense that he's trying hard to appear the opposite. My only concern is that he didn't make any demands or crazy comments to me until after we had sex.

 

The weird demands /requests:

 

• he wanted me to tell any guys I was seeing that I'm now seeing someone (him) exclusively
  
• he said he'd take extreme measures if he found out I was seeing another guy
  
• He wanted me to get his name tattooed on me. I laughed it off
  

 

My Question: Does anyone think that a guy like this (controlling/street dude who's used to people almost fearing him) would be trying HARD to make himself appear super normal or in control to avoid being seen as weak, especially over a lady? ....I say that because he'll make a comment then be super laid back then he'll make another weird statement the fall back again...it's weird.

 

He sounds like an Ex Con who is still trying to restore his "Captive Honor"

 

I'm an ex con. Although I am in my fifties now I knew and still know a lot of guys that got out of the joint that acted like that, especially with the Tattooing as in wanting to claim you as property.

 

He may or may not be an ex con but a lot of guys get out from doing time and act like that back on the street because they have spent a lot of time displaying a rough exterior in order to stay alive. I certainly did. It paid off in that I was able to survive incarceration without being raped. It tends to stick with you and it consumes you with suspicion of every other person and whether or no they have an ulterior motive when interacting with you.

 

 

But I'll opine further assuming he is NOT an ex con.

 

 

Guys who have been betrayed at some point or another by a lover or spouse usually are left completely emasculated in one form or another. How some men cope with that very often is to go overboard in later relationships because as opposed to what most guys will tell you, our male egos are terribly fragile. Demanding that yo become exclusive, tattooing and threatening hat if you step out of line there will be trouble are indicative of someone who has had their ego shattered in the not too distant past, and rather than be himself and risk having his ego ultimately shattered again, he will revert to the 180 tactic of being the bad guy. That way if you refuse to accede to his demands he can feel comfortable in letting YOU go as opposed to vice versa. For shattered egos, a grab for relationship power is all sometimes that they have left. He is afraid to expose himself as a fragile person, so t is more safe for him to be what he thinks is macho when in fact it is something just east of Neanderthal Avenue.

 

At any rate, you are getting a taste of what a future relationship will be with him.

 

Do yourself a favor and seek a future with someone else other than a Manchild with a Macho fixation.

[callmesally]

He sounds like an Ex Con who is still trying to restore his "Captive Honor"

 

I'm an ex con. Although I am in my fifties now I knew and still know a lot of guys that got out of the joint that acted like that, especially with the Tattooing as in wanting to claim you as property.

 

He may or may not be an ex con but a lot of guys get out from doing time and act like that back on the street because they have spent a lot of time displaying a rough exterior in order to stay alive. I certainly did. It paid off in that I was able to survive incarceration without being raped. It tends to stick with you and it consumes you with suspicion of every other person and whether or no they have an ulterior motive when interacting with you.

 

 

But I'll opine further assuming he is NOT an ex con.

 

 

Guys who have been betrayed at some point or another by a lover or spouse usually are left completely emasculated in one form or another. How some men cope with that very often is to go overboard in later relationships because as opposed to what most guys will tell you, our male egos are terribly fragile. Demanding that yo become exclusive, tattooing and threatening hat if you step out of line there will be trouble are indicative of someone who has had their ego shattered in the not too distant past, and rather than be himself and risk having his ego ultimately shattered again, he will revert to the 180 tactic of being the bad guy. That way if you refuse to accede to his demands he can feel comfortable in letting YOU go as opposed to vice versa. For shattered egos, a grab for relationship power is all sometimes that they have left. He is afraid to expose himself as a fragile person, so t is more safe for him to be what he thinks is macho when in fact it is something just east of Neanderthal Avenue.

 

At any rate, you are getting a taste of what a future relationship will be with him.

 

Do yourself a favor and seek a future with someone else other than a Manchild with a Macho fixation.

 

You're incredibly perceptive...gosh. He is an ex-con. I didn't really want to bring that up.

 

I just started reading your post but wanted to say that really quick.