I confessed

[road]

Thank you for this. It does appear I need to lawyer up. No STDs. He's already told me he doesn't want to go to counseling and there's no saving this. This is a case where confessing is leading to divorce. This is what I deserve. My next steps are protecting my children and my assets. I can support myself. He's told his family and I imagine our friends are next so I'm about to find out who my real friends are and I have a pretty strong feeling there aren't going to be many. But I will hold my head up high as I can and do the best I can with what I have. My priority is my children and then working on being a better me.

 

This is the worst thing I've ever done in my life. My IC did tell me to confess. And no, didn't prepare me for this aftermath, but what's done is done.

 

 

Many BH's respond this way close to D day. With time he may change his

tune.

[Marc878]

I don't feel on my way to recovery. I feel quite the opposite.

 

He didn't listen to the issues. But that's still no excuse. I needed to do more and try harder. In a way, it does have to do with the A because I turned to that rather than trying harder. In my mind, I was justifying what I was doing, which was wrong.

 

Look it's day one. Of course it's bad. How could it not be? It will get better. Not right away but you have to get through it one day at a time.

 

How close to your H was the other man? If close this was a double betrayal which will if possible be worse than an affair with an unknown or someone he wasn't close to.

[road]

The question about the state of our marriage... we have had some problems and as I've said many times before, I had a choice and I made the wrong one in trying to solve it with an A.

 

He has already asked this question, Zen. And my answer is that sometimes you have to make the wrong choice(s) (because I did it more than once!) to figure out what the right one was all along. And I'm sorry that it isn't a fantastic game changing answer, but that's the honest truth.

 

Blue, the kids are teens. I wasn't planning to divulge as much information as they've been given, but I also wasn't going to lie to them.

 

The comment about choices and mistakes? I think it's just words. Yes I made choices. Yes, those choices were mistakes. Does it matter what we call it? I f-ed up royally. I will be paying a price for this for a long, long time. I'm not feeling the relationship will be salvageable without intervention (counseling), but I'm willing to do what it takes and do the work to try. I may try for a long time and it may not work out in the end, but I will at least be able to say I tried to do the right thing after doing the wrong one for so long. To me, that's more than worth the effort and time. I do believe our initial issues will have to be looked at and that's where he may find he has some work to do and he may not be able to do that work.

 

One thing I did was disable all my social media accounts and delete them all from my phone.

 

Does your BH know this?

What about accountants accessed through the computer?

Before this day is done get that NC letter written, approved by your

BH and sent to the OM tonight.

 

 

That is if you want any shot at saving your marriage.

[MidnightBlue1980]

Does your BH know this?

What about accountants accessed through the computer?

Before this day is done get that NC letter written, approved by your

BH and sent to the OM tonight.

 

 

That is if you want any shot at saving your marriage.

 

Just wondering. Does it make sense to send a NC letter to a man? Especially one who has already ghosted her?

[MickeyBill]

But if I could go back in time, I know the exact day I would go back to and I would make a different choice.

 

What I would hope is that if someone is at the crossroads, that they please, please, please talk to their significant other or a close friend who will help set him/her straight. But chances are, once you are on a destructive path, you continue until you hit bottom.

 

If we only could rewind our lives, when is the exact day? Years ago or the time just before you had sex with OM AP FWB?

[Marc878]

Just wondering. Does it make sense to send a NC letter to a man? Especially one who has already ghosted her?

 

Yes, it can't hurt IMO

[MickeyBill]

Your husband's reaction is expected, you have known about the affair and your feelings for the common friend for more than a year.

Somewhere in your head, along with visions of you and FWB riding unicorns on rainbows there had to be a thought about if or when you get get caught , things are going to be fncked.

 

He just learned about it a few days ago. He is in panic mode, trying to put out the fire. After things "settle down" the R may be on the table and the D may be on hold.

[understand50]

I don't feel on my way to recovery. I feel quite the opposite.

 

He didn't listen to the issues. But that's still no excuse. I needed to do more and try harder. In a way, it does have to do with the A because I turned to that rather than trying harder. In my mind, I was justifying what I was doing, which was wrong.

 

Deadsoul,

 

Bottom line, you are not in control, your betrayed husband is. You are going to have to wait for him to decide. How long will depend on him.

 

If he does give you a 2nd chance, treat it as the huge gift that it is. Read up on remorse and what you need to do. Only actions on your part can show him that you still truly love him and want to make this work.

 

Until he decides, work on being the best you can be. Start doing the things, if you have not already, that you know you will have to do. Read the top link her and also Linda McDonalds book as well.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/365269-things-every-wayward-spouse-needs-know

 

Linda McDonald's book, " How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair:"

 

http://www.lindajmacdonald.com/HOW_T...FINAL_pdf-.pdf

 

You may have read them already, do so again. See if your husband will as well. This may be the first step to reconciliation, or to a "good" divorce. In any case. I hope you do not have a long wait, and you know your path forward soon.

 

I wish you luck......

[BluesPower]

hope D does get put on hold...

 

OP, I applaud you for confessing. It was the brave thing to do and the right thing to do.

 

If your husband ever chooses to go to MC, DO NOT TALK ABOUT THE ISSUES IN THE MARRIAGE FIRST. Most MC's want to delve into that first. NO. That is the worse thing to do.

 

I he is ever willing, talk about the affair first, that is what he is concerned about now.

 

The marriage issues are completely secondary.

 

I have rarely seen a WS as remorseful as you. Hang in there...

[Marc878]

Your kids will come around. Don't worry. They recover quicker than you think. They'll be hurt upfront. You're still their mom.

[HeCantBreakMe]

HI Deadsoul,

 

You did the right thing telling your husband the truth- you are right you owed him the truth. The months following were some of the worst - my anxiety was so high every time my husband went to speak i almost had a breakdown because i was worried he would ask me a question I didn't want to answer. I offered him total and full honesty to any question asked but I did let him know once you ask something you know it and cannot unknow it. The pain was terrible for both of us and the worst part was I was still holding on to a lot of anger towards him. I never blamed him for the choices i made but i was angry at the state of our marriage prior to my affair. A lot of this anger carried over to the beginning months of R and if you hold any anger I would work on letting it go.

 

I encouraged my husband to go to counseling and we started marriage counseling. I had been seeing my own counselor for almost a year prior to me telling him about the affair. I also encouraged my very private husband to tell those close to him about the affair so he had someone to talk to. The hardest thing for him was humbling himself and overcoming the embarrassment.

 

Love him, your husband, be open and honest and loving. Focus on you, and making yourself better and stronger because of this but continue loving him with patience. If he chooses to divorce then give him that - amicably and lovingly because when you truly love someone you want their happiness above yours and if he cannot find that with you because of the affair then allow him the freedom to find his happiness. You will be better because you found the strength to do the right thing. Affairs are like cancer - they are terrible and no one would wish for them but you can find something better at the end of this if you allow yourself and hopefully allow your marriage the chance.

 

You made the choice to cheat and it was wrong but you are righting your life now- and because of this your husband may come around and allow you back in.

[Blueskies66]

I admire your honesty. I can't help wondering though if you confessed for yourself or for your husband. If I was your friend and you asked me for advice, I would have told you to seek penitence somewhere else, to be a great spouse, and to bear the guilt of your affair in solitude.

 

Your need to be honest has hurt many people, worst of all your innocent children.

 

Are you truly being honest with yourself? Maybe you want out of your marriage. Were you far from getting what you needed? Do you see yourself as monogamous?

 

I think you may have confessed so you didn't need to be the one to make the first move in terms of ending your marriage. You have a type of plausible deniability.

[Cephalopod]

Thank you for this. It does appear I need to lawyer up. No STDs. He's already told me he doesn't want to go to counseling and there's no saving this. This is a case where confessing is leading to divorce. This is what I deserve. My next steps are protecting my children and my assets. I can support myself. He's told his family and I imagine our friends are next so I'm about to find out who my real friends are and I have a pretty strong feeling there aren't going to be many. But I will hold my head up high as I can and do the best I can with what I have. My priority is my children and then working on being a better me.

 

This is the worst thing I've ever done in my life. My IC did tell me to confess. And no, didn't prepare me for this aftermath, but what's done is done.

 

I don't understand. Protect your children from what? Their dad?

[Cephalopod]

Yes. The OM was a friend in our lives. I will never fling mud to BH. I will assert myself for what's rightfully mine, but I will do my best to keep all this as amicable as possible. My kids are my priority right now (which they should've been last year) and my only goal is to get them through this the best I can. If BH decides he wants to R, I will take all the steps necessary to make that happen. That's ultimately what I would like to happen, but I'm pretty sure it isn't going to be that way at all. This was a deal breaker for him. And I don't like it, but I respect and honor that. (Too little too late on the respect and honor, though, right?). But from here on forward, I can do the things I didn't do before. He said some ugly things to me today. All deserved. And he was right. I'm not trying to be a martyr here, but he was right. But I am going to assert that no matter what he thinks of me as a person/wife, I deserve to be treated with respect as the mother of his children.

 

Reading between the lines...you come across as already being fairly detached from him. Maybe this divorce is the best thing for the both of you. You sound like you admire him and love him in a sisterly way, but not as a wife. No husband deserves to have a wife who is not all into him.

[deadsoul]

HI Deadsoul,

 

You did the right thing telling your husband the truth- you are right you owed him the truth. The months following were some of the worst - my anxiety was so high every time my husband went to speak i almost had a breakdown because i was worried he would ask me a question I didn't want to answer. I offered him total and full honesty to any question asked but I did let him know once you ask something you know it and cannot unknow it. The pain was terrible for both of us and the worst part was I was still holding on to a lot of anger towards him. I never blamed him for the choices i made but i was angry at the state of our marriage prior to my affair. A lot of this anger carried over to the beginning months of R and if you hold any anger I would work on letting it go.

 

I encouraged my husband to go to counseling and we started marriage counseling. I had been seeing my own counselor for almost a year prior to me telling him about the affair. I also encouraged my very private husband to tell those close to him about the affair so he had someone to talk to. The hardest thing for him was humbling himself and overcoming the embarrassment.

 

Love him, your husband, be open and honest and loving. Focus on you, and making yourself better and stronger because of this but continue loving him with patience. If he chooses to divorce then give him that - amicably and lovingly because when you truly love someone you want their happiness above yours and if he cannot find that with you because of the affair then allow him the freedom to find his happiness. You will be better because you found the strength to do the right thing. Affairs are like cancer - they are terrible and no one would wish for them but you can find something better at the end of this if you allow yourself and hopefully allow your marriage the chance.

 

You made the choice to cheat and it was wrong but you are righting your life now- and because of this your husband may come around and allow you back in.

 

Yes! You nailed it. I feel some anger over our issues and I feel like I've lost that right to feel that right now. And BP said it too... I will have to put that aside for now and I realize that. Thank you for your post. I feel like you completely understand and for someone feeling very alone, that helps a lot.

[deadsoul]

I admire your honesty. I can't help wondering though if you confessed for yourself or for your husband. If I was your friend and you asked me for advice, I would have told you to seek penitence somewhere else, to be a great spouse, and to bear the guilt of your affair in solitude.

 

Your need to be honest has hurt many people, worst of all your innocent children.

 

Are you truly being honest with yourself? Maybe you want out of your marriage. Were you far from getting what you needed? Do you see yourself as monogamous?

 

I think you may have confessed so you didn't need to be the one to make the first move in terms of ending your marriage. You have a type of plausible deniability.

 

I have a friend who is very upset with me for telling. She was the only one who knew of the A. You've asked some tough questions and I'm definitely thinking of the answers to them. I didn't confess to be the the one who didn't end the marriage. I confessed because I couldn't carry the weight of lying anymore. I couldn't stand the way he looked at me with love and I didn't deserve it. I couldn't move forward in the marriage with that big of a secret. I knew it was broken and I knew that not telling would just make it worse. I'm still not sure I did the right thing in confessing... because I honestly believed that I had made the bad choices and I deserved all the pain I was in. Believe me, I'm in a lot more pain now... but there is this small part of me that feels better because I admitted I did something really wrong and I want to take responsibility and own it rather than hide like a coward. But it's a small part. Because I look at my family and think, I caused this pain for them. And that makes me feel 100 times worse and I have to live with that. But at least I'm living honestly now. I don't know the right answer, to be honest.

[deadsoul]

I don't understand. Protect your children from what? Their dad?

 

Protecting my kids from any further pain... knowing that i caused it. But my primary focus is them.

[deadsoul]

Reading between the lines...you come across as already being fairly detached from him. Maybe this divorce is the best thing for the both of you. You sound like you admire him and love him in a sisterly way, but not as a wife. No husband deserves to have a wife who is not all into him.

 

Interesting that you post this based on what I've written here, rather than knowing me face to face. I'm actually thinking a lot about this because I do admire and love him. This is something I'm working on in therapy. And you're right, if I don't love him as a wife, he deserves better. Well, he deserves better anyway. Thank you for this comment. You really gave me something more to think about. But I stand by my original plan that if he wants to do MC, I am 100% in favor and will give it my all. Maybe some of the things that got lost along the way can be rekindled. I have to try.

[deadsoul]

hope D does get put on hold...

 

OP, I applaud you for confessing. It was the brave thing to do and the right thing to do.

 

If your husband ever chooses to go to MC, DO NOT TALK ABOUT THE ISSUES IN THE MARRIAGE FIRST. Most MC's want to delve into that first. NO. That is the worse thing to do.

 

I he is ever willing, talk about the affair first, that is what he is concerned about now.

 

The marriage issues are completely secondary.

 

I have rarely seen a WS as remorseful as you. Hang in there...

 

Thank you for this... I've been following your story as well. Have you posted an update?

[BluesPower]

I posted some questions and thoughts.

 

Divorcing wife, after everything she has done, affairs, drug addiction, yada, yada, come to find out she never has or does not love me. Once I realized that I was/am done. I will not be married to a woman that does not love me, ever. I'll never be married again.

 

I was a BS before I went off the deep end. I never deserved any of that either. I was a great husband, am a great father, and frankly all of my GF's seem to think I am great at other things.

 

I have never been so happy...

[Owl6118]

I myself would not want to live inside a constructed lie. The idea that my life partner would infanltalize me, would choose what I should know, would choose to let me live life based on a deliberatly falsified impression of reality, is very appalling to me.

 

I would never want to be so controlled and condescended to, and find it appalling that those behaviors would get called love.

 

So I commend you choice and think you were wise to listen to your conscience.

Edited February 7, 2017 by Owl6118

[HeCantBreakMe]

Interesting that you post this based on what I've written here, rather than knowing me face to face. I'm actually thinking a lot about this because I do admire and love him. This is something I'm working on in therapy. And you're right, if I don't love him as a wife, he deserves better. Well, he deserves better anyway. Thank you for this comment. You really gave me something more to think about. But I stand by my original plan that if he wants to do MC, I am 100% in favor and will give it my all. Maybe some of the things that got lost along the way can be rekindled. I have to try.

 

I think what you are feeling is normal and I Am guessing you had intense emotions for the OM. The best thing you can do aside from NC is to be 100% committed to your marriage. Start picturing yourself with your husband walking hand in hand. Start creating those moments with him where you are talking even if it is painful communication is creating intimacy. You are closing the door to your affair and opening it with your husband.. this takes time and effort.

 

Love is a choice . Real true love doesn't always feel so intense like affair emotions and that is okay because at the end is the day it is real and it is good. But you have to make a choice and some days it is harder than others but you can get that passion back. We are finding ours and it is amazing.

 

Also have you checked out Podcasts on limerence and Healing Broken Trust listen to these. You need perspective and a lot of that will

Come with time but you can start gaining some now.

[HeCantBreakMe]

I have a friend who is very upset with me for telling. She was the only one who knew of the A. You've asked some tough questions and I'm definitely thinking of the answers to them. I didn't confess to be the the one who didn't end the marriage. I confessed because I couldn't carry the weight of lying anymore. I couldn't stand the way he looked at me with love and I didn't deserve it. I couldn't move forward in the marriage with that big of a secret. I knew it was broken and I knew that not telling would just make it worse. I'm still not sure I did the right thing in confessing... because I honestly believed that I had made the bad choices and I deserved all the pain I was in. Believe me, I'm in a lot more pain now... but there is this small part of me that feels better because I admitted I did something really wrong and I want to take responsibility and own it rather than hide like a coward. But it's a small part. Because I look at my family and think, I caused this pain for them. And that makes me feel 100 times worse and I have to live with that. But at least I'm living honestly now. I don't know the right answer, to be honest.

 

You did cause this pain. But rather than hide from it you are admitting it and healing everyone including yourself. Do not be a victim . It takes courage and strength to heal their hearts and they will look to you on how to do that. Even your husband will follow your lead if he wants to R.

[BetrayedH]

The heartbreak your family feels is due to the affair, not the telling of it.

[Marc878]

Interesting that you post this based on what I've written here, rather than knowing me face to face. I'm actually thinking a lot about this because I do admire and love him. This is something I'm working on in therapy. And you're right, if I don't love him as a wife, he deserves better. Well, he deserves better anyway. Thank you for this comment. You really gave me something more to think about. But I stand by my original plan that if he wants to do MC, I am 100% in favor and will give it my all. Maybe some of the things that got lost along the way can be rekindled. I have to try.

 

Of course you lost love for your husband. You in reality belonged to the other man for a year. Your marriage ended Then. You cannot love two men at the same time. An affair is very destructive. It sucks all the life out of a marriage.

 

Can it come back? Yes, but only with time and a lot of effort. Don't think that just because the affair is over you'll return to the marriage immediately or even short term.

 

An affair is like a drug addiction. The yearning or pining for other man doesn't just go away soon.

 

Hence, you cannot ever have contact again. If you do you'll be right back in the affair. If you get an addict around the source you always get relapse. Even a phone call or message will set you back