I confessed

[understand50]

All,

 

PUT in the wrong link, here is the right one.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/609550-guilt-vs-remorse-vs-shame-relates-affairs-2.html#post7202267

[ConInLA]

This is the worst thing I've ever done in my life. My IC did tell me to confess. And no, didn't prepare me for this aftermath, but what's done is done.

 

Wow deadsoul! I've been so distracted and busy with my own stuff that I haven't checked in on your thread in awhile. I am sorry to hear that your husband has decided on divorce. I really hoped that y'all would be able to get through these dark days. It's insane how us WW getting into affairs without thinking about the possible fallout. It's scary how blind we become. I can't believe your IC told you to confess though. Right off the bat my counselor told me that is wasn't his place to tell me what was right or wrong. He simply just wanted to help me work on me. I hope that things get better for you. Keep your head up!

[Marc878]

Wow deadsoul! I've been so distracted and busy with my own stuff that I haven't checked in on your thread in awhile. I am sorry to hear that your husband has decided on divorce. I really hoped that y'all would be able to get through these dark days. It's insane how us WW getting into affairs without thinking about the possible fallout. It's scary how blind we become. I can't believe your IC told you to confess though. Right off the bat my counselor told me that is wasn't his place to tell me what was right or wrong. He simply just wanted to help me work on me. I hope that things get better for you. Keep your head up!

 

This isn't over yet. That was a typical response upfront. Read on.

[aliveagain]

Good points made here. I will think about it. Probably the things that are making me the most uncomfortable are the things that need to be discussed.

 

DS there can be no secrets left between you and your affair partner or your husband will see it as you choosing other man over him. No matter how bad the information is the truth needs to be told. Please don't ever tell him you withheld some information because you wanted to protect him from more pain, we all know that you withhold information because you want to save your own a$$. The only way to give power back to your husband is to put O/M on the outside by revealing every dirty secret to your husband. Another day has come and gone, your still there, he is still there, there is still hope and a chance. It's easy to have an affair, weak people do it all the time, now just look at how hard it will be to fix. Get all the professional help you can afford, don't try and do this on your own.

[deadsoul]

DS there can be no secrets left between you and your affair partner or your husband will see it as you choosing other man over him. No matter how bad the information is the truth needs to be told. Please don't ever tell him you withheld some information because you wanted to protect him from more pain, we all know that you withhold information because you want to save your own a$$. The only way to give power back to your husband is to put O/M on the outside by revealing every dirty secret to your husband. Another day has come and gone, your still there, he is still there, there is still hope and a chance. It's easy to have an affair, weak people do it all the time, now just look at how hard it will be to fix. Get all the professional help you can afford, don't try and do this on your own.

 

Sorry I wasn't clear... I am/will be completely transparent with BH. I'm talking about sharing some of those things here. I'm evaluating why I'm choosing not to answer some questions here... and I do believe these are the ones making me the most uncomfortable and those are the things I need to face. Do I share them here? I don't know. But without question, BH hears everything when he asks.

 

edit: And no way I can do this alone... that's what got me into this to begin with.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Do not share anything here that you are not comfortable sharing

 

But share everything with your husband

 

You don't need to explain it here and I agree there are just some things you don't need to tell strangers on a forum

[deadsoul]

All,

 

PUT in the wrong link, here is the right one.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/609550-guilt-vs-remorse-vs-shame-relates-affairs-2.html#post7202267

 

I just read this... and it was a very good read. It is true... I'm in the regret stage... maybe at the beginning of the remorse stage... is it bad that I haven't hit it yet? Does that mean I'm truly broken? I just feel so confused about everything. I want to make things right. I had a couple of late night revelations last night that happened to me in my past and in no way am I blaming those actions on those things, but I need to look hard at my abandonment issues (among others).

[deadsoul]

Do not share anything here that you are not comfortable sharing

 

But share everything with your husband

 

You don't need to explain it here and I agree there are just some things you don't need to tell strangers on a forum

 

Thank you. it just seems to be a thin line... if I don't admit things here, am I in denial? But yet some things just feel too personal to share here. I'm trying to be careful to only put ME out raw and exposed, not BH. But as I keep saying: every single post on this thread has given me a lot to think about and I'm being pushed in ways that are extremely painful. I'm not complaining.... I know this is part of the process and i opened myself up for this... I think it's the only way I stand a chance of healing and becoming a better me.

[deadsoul]

Wow deadsoul! I've been so distracted and busy with my own stuff that I haven't checked in on your thread in awhile. I am sorry to hear that your husband has decided on divorce. I really hoped that y'all would be able to get through these dark days. It's insane how us WW getting into affairs without thinking about the possible fallout. It's scary how blind we become. I can't believe your IC told you to confess though. Right off the bat my counselor told me that is wasn't his place to tell me what was right or wrong. He simply just wanted to help me work on me. I hope that things get better for you. Keep your head up!

 

He hasn't yet. He's open to MC, which I'm trying to get started. I'm not sure where MC will take us, but I'm so grateful he's open to that.

[deadsoul]

Dead soul,

 

I will admit that I haven't read through the entire discussion. But, I have been very impressed by your humility and your ability to face the hard reality of the situation. I really do wish you well in this journey, whatever happens with your marriage. And, hang tight with your kids... Kids want their parents to be happy. Just love them, and they will come around.

 

Thank you for this. I don't feel I've done very well in handling this. I know I have a lot of work to do and I'm only at the beginning. I love my kids so much and it kills me that I did this to them.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Thank you. it just seems to be a thin line... if I don't admit things here, am I in denial? But yet some things just feel too personal to share here. I'm trying to be careful to only put ME out raw and exposed, not BH. But as I keep saying: every single post on this thread has given me a lot to think about and I'm being pushed in ways that are extremely painful. I'm not complaining.... I know this is part of the process and i opened myself up for this... I think it's the only way I stand a chance of healing and becoming a better me.

 

No...

 

You only need to tell him

 

There are some details that are just too personal to share with strangers

 

I have not told every detail to people here

 

It is none of our business

 

But you do need to share them with your husband if he asks you to

 

As for remorse... it might take you years to achieve or you might never achieve it

 

Experts say it takes 2-5 years to heal from an affair

 

I would say it takes a lifetime

[ConInLA]

This isn't over yet. That was a typical response upfront. Read on.

 

Yes, deadsoul! I just caught all the way up. I'm glad to hear that you and your spouse are starting MC. I do believe that counseling always helps. That's actually where people like us should turn to from the beginning instead of thinking an affair will alleviate our pain.

[Marc878]

I just read this... and it was a very good read. It is true... I'm in the regret stage... maybe at the beginning of the remorse stage... is it bad that I haven't hit it yet? Does that mean I'm truly broken? I just feel so confused about everything. I want to make things right. I had a couple of late night revelations last night that happened to me in my past and in no way am I blaming those actions on those things, but I need to look hard at my abandonment issues (among others).

 

I doubt anyone hits true remourse in a week.

 

Are you broken, yep.

 

However, you did the right thing in confessing. Now you're seeking. A good thing. (Give yourself some credit). Most don't have the courage to do what you've done.

 

You were in this a year it won't get fixed overnight. Take it one day at a time.

[HereNorThere]

Deadsoul, if you hang around here long enough, you'll notice there are two types of cheaters that post- Cheating was either something they did or cheating is a part of who they are. You start to pick up a knack for telling the difference between the two within their very first posts.

 

Your confession leads me to believe that this is something you did, not part of a more broad personality defect or disorder. While it may not seem like it now, your confession was the most beautiful gift you've ever given your family. It shows that you aren't perfect but you're also not a monster that only thinks of herself. You put their well-being above yours and it will be remembered. In fact, it will make all the difference in the future.

 

We've all made mistakes and bad choices in our lives but not all of us admit it. Look around the forum and notice the massive amount of blame shifting from some of the other posters. You're not like them though. You have a conscience, humility and empathy. With enough work, I think there's a real possibility of putting Humpty Dumpty back together again. Most betrayed spouse long to go back to their normal life but the WS's ego prevents it. Instead of admitting their faults and working on themselves, they blame everyone else. That takes more of a toll on BS than dealing with your double life.

 

Good luck and Godspeed. Thank you for telling the truth.

[Marc878]

People do harmful/hurtful things but that does not necessarily define who you are.

[deadsoul]

Deadsoul, if you hang around here long enough, you'll notice there are two types of cheaters that post- Cheating was either something they did or cheating is a part of who they are. You start to pick up a knack for telling the difference between the two within their very first posts.

 

Your confession leads me to believe that this is something you did, not part of a more broad personality defect or disorder. While it may not seem like it now, your confession was the most beautiful gift you've ever given your family. It shows that you aren't perfect but you're also not a monster that only thinks of herself. You put their well-being above yours and it will be remembered. In fact, it will make all the difference in the future.

 

We've all made mistakes and bad choices in our lives but not all of us admit it. Look around the forum and notice the massive amount of blame shifting from some of the other posters. You're not like them though. You have a conscience, humility and empathy. With enough work, I think there's a real possibility of putting Humpty Dumpty back together again. Most betrayed spouse long to go back to their normal life but the WS's ego prevents it. Instead of admitting their faults and working on themselves, they blame everyone else. That takes more of a toll on BS than dealing with your double life.

 

Good luck and Godspeed. Thank you for telling the truth.

 

My conscious, humility and empathy came too little too late. If I had all those things, I wouldn't have done that to begin with. I take 100% of the blame for my actions. I had a path to take and I selfishly chose the wrong one. I have to live with that for the rest of my life, no matter what happens. Please know that even though us waywards cause a lot of pain, we are In a lot of pain too. I'm not saying that to get sympathy. I'm saying that because not all of us are the evil monsters we are made out to be.

[Owl6118]

Remorse takes time for a lot of reasons.

 

One of them is that you have spent weeks, months, possibly years numbing empathy for your husband. Long before you could get ot that place of "cut him, I feel nothing" you began gardening your resentments, nurturing your list of doubts. Cultivating your nuanced understanding of his shortcomings.

 

That bill of indictment is still there. You relied on it every day to justify giving yourself permission to have an affair. It doesn't go away over night. It still blocks your empathy.

 

Another reason is self preservation. If you felt the real empathy in full right away you would shatter under it. You can see yourself doing this dance of self preservation, if you contemplate how your feelings flinch away from dwelling on the look in your husband's eyes when you told him, and gravitate to pining for the way you felt in the affair. This does not mean you are a monster. It means you are a flawed human who has been very soul sick.

 

Feelings come and go unbidden. But we choose which ones we let flow through us and out of us, and which we invite to stay. Do a small kind thing for your husband, make coffee or fold a shirt, and you are inviting a little love for him and sorrow for his hurt to stay. Turn your thoughts away from the feeling of missing cheap validation and the feeling of missing it will eventually stop coming.

 

Personal change is hard. Really, really hard. But you are on the journey. Keep the door open to remorse and it will come.

[BaileyB]

People do harmful/hurtful things but that does not necessarily define who you are.

 

Reposted just because I ink it deserves to be said again.

[Owl6118]

I see you still feel a lot of fellowship with those of us who are alcoholics or addicts. Excellent, fellowship is the single best part of being an alcoholic. I am dead serious. It's wonderful. There is no more empathetic group of people than sober alcoholics and sober narcotics addicts. And I personally add ex-waywards to my rogues gallery of friends and soulmates. Such good souls, if sometimes a little sad or whistful.

 

So how do you do it? Well, I did it with the traditional 12 steps of AA. Here they are.

 

1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol—that our lives had become unmanageable.

2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.

4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

5. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.

7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.

8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.

9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

10. Continued to take personal inventory, and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it.

11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.

12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

 

Step One, well, you have already worked hard on it. You know you couldn't stay out of the affair, that you got ghosted never got yourself out. You know thoughts of it still come to you unbidden and against your will. You know your soul was dying. Which is a poetic way of saying you were an unmanageable mess.

 

Step 2. Uh oh, the God stuff. Remember these were written in the 1920s in a very different world. If you are a conventional believer, take them as written. If like me you are an agnostic bordering on atheist, be as free as you like in defining higher power. Higher power can be the power of a group, like this one, to apply their collective moral support and wisdom to tell you what you need to hear. It can be the power of aestbetic faith, that there is beauty and meaning in acting with kindnesss in the world. But the idea is you can't change on willpower alone. You get this I think, else you would not have confessed, and wouldn't be here learning.

 

Step 3, 4, 5. You surrendered a lot of will in confessing, and in your ongoing transparency about your doubts and shortfalls. You are on this journey.

 

Step 6 and 7. Now the hard stuff. You are smart, you have a quick mind, it shows in your writing. I am sure you have pride in that and in other things too. A lot of pride. Oh, we addicts and waywards are big ones on pride. Big ones for turning our intellect onto your faults -- husband, boss, whomever. Big ones for reasoning away our own. But look where you are. Are you ready to get humble, give up pride, and ask in a small scared voice "is it possible to be better? Will I be safe if I let go of my Pride? What will be left of me?" It is so not easy. Pride is so comforting. You can sit in the wreckage of your life and clutch pride like a threadbare blanket around you and simply refuse to change. Even now.

 

Step 8 and 9. Another way of saying remorse.

 

Step 10 through 12. Growing to be a new, quieter, somewhat sadder, but more humble and generous and compassionate you. A you for whom cheap validation is empty of attraction, a subject of indifference. And a you who helps others in our fellowship in the toybox of broken toys.

 

 

So there you go. A guide to sobriety of any kind, a steps to a healthy life and soul.

[understand50]

I just read this... and it was a very good read. It is true... I'm in the regret stage... maybe at the beginning of the remorse stage... is it bad that I haven't hit it yet? Does that mean I'm truly broken? I just feel so confused about everything. I want to make things right. I had a couple of late night revelations last night that happened to me in my past and in no way am I blaming those actions on those things, but I need to look hard at my abandonment issues (among others).

 

Deadsoul,

 

No one is "broken", we just fail to adhere to our moral code, and justify our actions at the time. This is being human. As for you not seeing yourself truly remorseful, I would say that we are not born with this as a innate ability. It has to be taught, and learned. Yes, you are at the beginning, and in many ways this may take a lifetime to really understand, but seeing where you are and where you need to go, is the first step. You may "know" what you need to feel, but not feel it. Feeling is not the most important thing, it is actions that support remorse. By your confession, you have taken the first large, and yes courageous, step. I may have to add a line to my other post, in that you need take actions in spite of the consequences to yourself, because that action is the right thing to do. Maybe courage and remorse go hand in hand, as you need to have courage to have the true remorse that is needed.

 

In my opinion, you are further along then you know, so do not lose hope.

 

I wish you luck.......

[HereNorThere]

re·morse

rəˈmôrs/

noun

deep regret or guilt for a wrong committed.

"they were filled with remorse and shame"

synonyms: contrition, deep regret, repentance, penitence, guilt, compunction, remorsefulness, ruefulness, contriteness; More

 

Don't let some affair books or articles make up definitions for you because these words actually have real definitions. By all accounts, you ARE remorseful.

 

I think what you're starting to see is the dissociation between yourself and your actions. We all do it because without it, we wouldn't survive. The true weight of what you've done would crush a mere mortal so your drive for self preservation kicks in and disconnects you from it. That's normal and perfectly okay at this stage.

 

If you listen to others who have been traumatic situations where they had to make life or death decisions, one of the things they describe is an odd sense of calm in the middle of it. The shock paralyzes the fear response so you can act. It's like an out of body experience or watching a movie with you as the main character. You know you should feel something but you're blocking it out. Those feelings, like the truth, will trickle out in time. Until then, keep doing what you know is the right, logical thing to do. You were blinded and driven by emotion previously, it's probably a good thing you aren't right now.

[Marc878]

Sometimes we search for something. Looking in all the wrong places.

 

It may already be there and you don't realize it until it's lost.

 

This happens more than you know.

[Just a Guy]

Hi deadsoul, there have been some wonderful thoughts expressed here on remorse, the path to it, what it looks like, and where you are in the journey towards it. In fact I am amazed at the extent of interest and thought provoking expression of views that your thread has generated, something I have not seen here on LS in a long time, if at all. Owl and Herenorthere have spoken words of wisdom. So have many others and it may be difficult to name everyone. Aliveagain is someone who comes to mind. My point is that you have been given a lot of food for thought and you are truly blessed that people have expressed the best of their thinking to help you along your way.

 

I just want to add a couple of points to what everyone has had to say. The first is something I mentioned in passing which is that you have opened yourself to vulnerability with respect to your husband. To me this is something very important in your journey forward. When your husband realizes that you have made yourself vulnerable to him he will begin to realize how deeply you care about giving him back his self respect and his position as the most important person in your life. He needs to know this to help him heal and recover his manliness which have taken a body blow because of your affair.

 

The other point that I wanted to highlight was that your affair, it's termination, your confession and your husband's reaction culminating in an emotional melt down for both you and your husband, has created an opportunity for you to introspect deeply about everything in your life leading up to your involvement in your affair and also on the period while you were active in it. It also gives you the opportunity to look closely at the innermost workings of your mind, your personality strengths and flaws, infact , at your whole persona. It gives you the opportunity to analyse those traits in your personality which enabled you to violate your vows and disrespect your husband enough to have an affair. This is an opportunity that you must embrace wholeheartedly and utilize to the fullest extent. You may not like some of the things that get thrown up to the surface but it is all part of the healing process for you and thereby, for the healing process of your husband.

 

I don't know if you are a religious person or not but that is not so important. What is important is whether you are a spiritual person or not. If you are indeed spiritual or even if you are not and have a tepid interest in things spiritual I would suggest that you get down on your knees or maybe even sit in a chair in a secluded part of your home and pray to the Almighty for forgiveness of your transgressions and for showing you the way forward in your relationship with your husband and in your life in the future as a wife, a mother and as someone who is a responsible, trustworthy and dependable person in the home and outside of it. I think this last will be the essential act which will help you start to heal and move forward with your life. Warm wishes.

[Friskyone4u]

Yup. They always do. Mine has done so a couple of times, I've ignored the attempts and told my Husband as soon as it happened. OP - I think that will be important for your Husband to know that you are on HIS side now. Do what you have to in order to show your Husband that this A is over. A harsh truth I've learned is that the OM is no friend to you, how can someone love you and be willing to engage in an affair with someone that can and does harm the most important people in your life (your kids and your husband)

 

The above is the absolute truth. Your OM is divorced and free. For a year he has no strings attached free sex probably as often as you two could get away with it. You keep saying he will not contact you, but he does NOT know you have been caught.

So he just thinks you disappeared from the planet as has your family who he was "friends with"?? men enter affairs primarily for sex, which was apparently the basis for your affair. Until he is CONVINCED he cannot lure you back in, he is certainly going to go 'fishing' for you. And if he was part of your social circle with mutual friends, he is going to find out what the status of your marriage is. So I do not think you are correct in thinking he will not contact you again.

 

It is a true shame that someone who has done the best things possible may not get another chance at R. one other thing i caution you about. you are not giving him all the details waiting for him to ask. on the one hand that is good, but it is also bad because if he does have a change of heart and then more bombs or stuff he could not imagine is dropped on him, it will be d Day all over again. in other words, trickle truth even though it was not meant to be.

 

You made the statement that you could be back in gthe affiar if you had contact. i hope you can resist that because your FWB is clueless and has no reason right now to not want more if he can get it.

 

Lastly, your friend who was just fine with your cheating is NOT your friend. instead of coaching you and supporting you in being a liar and cheater, she should be not mad but helping you cope. ou ought to remove her from your life.

[deadsoul]

He ghosted me. I truly do not believe I'm going to hear from him again. He is a weak coward. He got what he wanted. I think I was ghosted because he moved on to someone else so i really don't think he even considers me at all, which is fine.

 

However, if I'm wrong, my BH will be the first to know. I've disabled all social media, which is how we communicated. I've distanced myself from mutual friends, which is tough, but am doing that out of respect for BH. I don't want any opportunities to run in to him. I have a plan in place. If he contacts me, that's when BH can make the decision to write a NC statement.

 

The above is the absolute truth. Your OM is divorced and free. For a year he has no strings attached free sex probably as often as you two could get away with it. You keep saying he will not contact you, but he does NOT know you have been caught.

So he just thinks you disappeared from the planet as has your family who he was "friends with"?? men enter affairs primarily for sex, which was apparently the basis for your affair. Until he is CONVINCED he cannot lure you back in, he is certainly going to go 'fishing' for you. And if he was part of your social circle with mutual friends, he is going to find out what the status of your marriage is. So I do not think you are correct in thinking he will not contact you again.

 

It is a true shame that someone who has done the best things possible may not get another chance at R. one other thing i caution you about. you are not giving him all the details waiting for him to ask. on the one hand that is good, but it is also bad because if he does have a change of heart and then more bombs or stuff he could not imagine is dropped on him, it will be d Day all over again. in other words, trickle truth even though it was not meant to be.

 

You made the statement that you could be back in gthe affiar if you had contact. i hope you can resist that because your FWB is clueless and has no reason right now to not want more if he can get it.

 

Lastly, your friend who was just fine with your cheating is NOT your friend. instead of coaching you and supporting you in being a liar and cheater, she should be not mad but helping you cope. ou ought to remove her from your life.