Lost in Affair

[BenchCoach]

What you just posted, is pretty much "all about you," though. How you've resigned yourself to living in secret shame for what you've done. How you are even giving up on your relationship with God because you feel you are unworthy. Sounds like martyrdom to me. Like you're carrying this burden so as not to hurt those you hold most dear. Sounds a bit hollow.

 

 

All that being said, what steps are you taking/willing to take to end this, this time? What is gonna be different, this time?

[ConInLA]

First, {{{{hugs}}}}

 

Good luck. And please know you aren't alone.

 

Thank you deadsoul, it's amazing how lonely dealing with an affair is. If I would have known that it would bring up all of these issues and thoughts, I really never would have gone down this road. And yes, I am beginning IC soon. I know that I need support through this.

[Ronni_W]

, a part of me would just feel bad to block him and go no contact for the rest of my life. <snip> I rationalize staying friends with him because he is a career mentor to me and a friend

It's still your decision and choice - which is entirely and exclusively under your own power, control and authority - of setting your priorities straight, and then letting go, sacrificing and surrendering EVERYTHING that you know will or potentially could take you away from reaching and fulfilling your self-determined priorities.

 

Rationalizing 'reasons' to maintain the relationship -- in truth, just making excuses for yourself -- is just a way to keep the door open. Check your priorities, and see if this is in alignment with that.

 

If I may: it is perfectly okay to just ignore 'advice/suggestions' to disclose to your spouse. Do what YOU feel best, about that.

I would offer to NOT waste your Energy on things that you do not have to...in favour of giving forth your full, 100% focus, Energy and attention to what's important to you; your own priorities.

 

Hugs, and best of luck.

Edited February 4, 2017 by Ronni_W
punctuation

[deadsoul]

Oh no, I actually find your blunt honesty helpful. This is an area that we will disagree in though: to confess or not. It is way more of a burden for me to carry this secret alone, so in actuality it would be better for my psyche to just dump all of these emotions on my husband. I feel like a fraud of a wife. Being that I am from a very religious upbringing, I am not even sure how I will ever forgive myself. I have completely abandoned my relationship with GOD because I feel like I am also undeserving of asking him for anything either.

 

I completely agree with this. I felt like a fraud as a wife. It was a huge burden to carry the secret and you know what? I do not feel better in telling. In fact, I feel worse. But I know deep down, I did the right thing for me and my family. But that may not be the right thing for others. In my case, I feel like there are deeper issues in the M and the A was a big elephant sitting in the room that I knew about, but he didn't. If we are to move forward, I feel like he had to know everything. To be honest, I don't know where things stand and I'm pretty sure I'm headed for a D. But I am human and I made a big mistake and I'm trying to do the right thing. The right thing for me may not be the right thing for someone else.

[ConInLA]

This (bolded statement) might be true if this were a one and done occurrence.

 

Yes, I recognize this and have really thought about exactly what you have stated. I do wonder if me keeping it to myself leaves me in a vulnerable position in the future to partake in this exact same behavior. I just can't see myself being this foolish again though!

[OatsAndHall]

First of all, you need to stop romanticizing your affair and putting any positive spin on it. This isn't a Shakespearean tragedy or a dark-romantic movie. You are making a conscious choice to cheat on your husband and there is no excuse for it. People can call it an "addiction" all they want but it isn't. That implies that your actions are out of your control which they are not.

 

I cheated on a woman that I was engaged to in my twenties and I made the same rationalizations and did the same mental gymnastics. I went so far as to say "I shouldn't tell her because it'll devastate her but she will forgive me and won't end the relationship! I can't hurt her!!" The truth came out eventually (I got caught) and it did devastate her and she did forgive me, initially. However, she went through a year of anger, anxiety and mistrust before she finally called it off.

 

You want advice: here it is. Call of your affair and tell your husband what you have done. No more excuses about how your marriage is lacking or how if will affect him: fall on the sword and be prepared for the worst.

 

What you have done is wrong and you cannot undo it. The only RIGHT course of action is to come clean and let the chips fall where they may. Maybe he will forgive you, you two can seek some counseling and you can move on. Or, maybe he will ask for a divorce. Either way, owe it to your husband to tell him what has happened. You made a sacred promise and you broke it.

[BaileyB]

I have completely abandoned my relationship with GOD because I feel like I am also undeserving of asking him for anything either.

 

Please don't be a martyr. Perhaps this is depression talking. Maybe you are just not willing or able to accept responsibility for your actions - it's easier to believe yourself the undeserving victim of circumstance than accept responsibility. But, don't ever think that you are keeping the pain from your husband by keeping this secret and bearing this burden for the rest of your life. Don't ever think that you are not deserving of forgiveness or happiness. We are all human, we are all sinners. And everyone, is able to find redemption.

 

But it starts by accepting the hard truth. You have made some bad decisions and now, you will have to deal with the consequences of your behavior. You must learn why this has happened, and work to make it right again.

[Imajerk17]

Low self-esteem, boo-hoo, cry me a river. Doesn't everyone trot out that excuse for bad behaviour these days?

 

Snyway, I think there is too much concern for the OP's feelings and not enough for her husband's. I mean, there is trusting his wife to be faithful and she's having sex doing who knows what w another guy.

 

ConInLA, your husband deserves a woman who isn't screwing around behind his back and blaming it on her "low self-esteem". You need to sit him down and tell him, or he will likely find out on his own.

Edited February 4, 2017 by Imajerk17

[ConInLA]

What you just posted, is pretty much "all about you," though. How you've resigned yourself to living in secret shame for what you've done. How you are even giving up on your relationship with God because you feel you are unworthy. Sounds like martyrdom to me. Like you're carrying this burden so as not to hurt those you hold most dear. Sounds a bit hollow.

 

 

All that being said, what steps are you taking/willing to take to end this, this time? What is gonna be different, this time?

 

I agree Bench Coach. It's crazy but this situation has made me more self aware than I have ever been. I AM hollow, selfish, sneaky, and a huge liar. These are not easy attributes to recognize in yourself. I would be lying if I told you that I thought that I was a good person. That's the thing, I have done the entire routine of ending this twice before. I am starting IC because I realize that I need coping mechanisms to end this. I can't do it alone.

[Ronni_W]

I just can't see myself being this foolish again though!

If you have learned from your mistake, then that is the Purpose of having made the mistake in the first place. So...well done, and congrats!

 

There is no Requirement to carry guilt and a sense of being a 'sinner' or 'fallen woman' or whatever sense of unworthiness for even a moment. If, in order to get rid of that type of garbage -- if you cannot get to full and genuine self-Compassion and self-Forgiveness -- then it's better/higher to consider telling your husband. ALTHOUGH, there is no Law that guarantees that disclosing to someone else on the outside will heal unworthiness and guilt that are on the inside.

[ConInLA]

You can't stay friends with him, you just have to know that.

 

If you have any hope of moving forward and staying with your husband, you NEED to block him and go no contact.

 

And then, you need to find out why you were vulnerable to him. Because, if not him, it will be someone else...

 

You seem like a nice and intelligent woman. But, you are confused and obviously, very unhappy in life. You would really benefit from counselling, but only if you are willing to be vulnerable, accept responsibility for your decisions, and do the work to make yourself and your life better.

 

I was very unhappy in life when I began this affair, and had been for awhile. Also, I am beginning IC next week. What you said about it possibly happening again, is actually one of my biggest concerns and is the main reason why I am starting therapy.

[ConInLA]

As a BS I really couldn't express how I truly felt about my ExW affair. But a LS member hit the nail on the head.

 

This quote pertains to your husband. Because remember, you are destroying his life. You don't know it. But you are.

 

"Anytime I was told that the A had nothing to do with me, I took offense. Bc every single time they held hands, touched, kissed, had sex, smiled at each other, texted, talked, etc....every single one of those instances was a great big flip of the middle finger directed at me. It's not like they thought what they were doing was ok. They knew it was wrong...the ultimate betrayal. So yes, It had everything to do with me."

 

This is a very true quote but I just can't even fathom putting this on my husband. It would break him and hurt him for years to come! Why would I want to do that to another human being?

[OatsAndHall]

I agree Bench Coach. It's crazy but this situation has made me more self aware than I have ever been. I AM hollow, selfish, sneaky, and a huge liar. These are not easy attributes to recognize in yourself. I would be lying if I told you that I thought that I was a good person. That's the thing, I have done the entire routine of ending this twice before. I am starting IC because I realize that I need coping mechanisms to end this. I can't do it alone.

 

You don't need coping mechanisms to end an affair. You need coping mechanisms for the the fall out from the affair.

 

I feel like you are making more excuses for your behavior by stating that "you can't do it alone". You are over-dramatizing the situation and making it all about YOU when it is not. This is about your husband and your marriage. You are placing yourself above those two things by continuing the affair and not telling your husband.

 

You are not a terrible person. However, you made a terrible choice and that choice will have repercussions. It is time to face those repercussions so that you can move forward.

 

Honestly, I don't think any counselor that tells you any differently shouldn't be in the field.

[ConInLA]

I completely agree with this. I felt like a fraud as a wife. It was a huge burden to carry the secret and you know what? I do not feel better in telling. In fact, I feel worse. But I know deep down, I did the right thing for me and my family. But that may not be the right thing for others. In my case, I feel like there are deeper issues in the M and the A was a big elephant sitting in the room that I knew about, but he didn't. If we are to move forward, I feel like he had to know everything. To be honest, I don't know where things stand and I'm pretty sure I'm headed for a D. But I am human and I made a big mistake and I'm trying to do the right thing. The right thing for me may not be the right thing for someone else.

 

I do wonder how healthy our relationship will be going forward with this huge secret. I can only hope that one day I will find peace.

[Buckeye2]

Funny enough, I know that I would never leave my husband for this man. I actually know that if I were currently single, I wouldn't even date him seriously or focus on him at all, which makes it even more mind-boggling that I just can't stop.

 

You are doing it because it’s free. You have your husband for the boring family stuff and the OM for fun. You want both men for what they provide you. That’s why you can’t pick one.

 

Search for a TED talk by Helen Fisher, Why we cheat why we love

[whichwayisup]

I am slowly recognizing that it is fact an addiction. This is my first time really dealing with anything of this matter because I don't have an addictive personality at all. I am trying. And as I told another person, confessing to my husband is not an option. I can't do it.

 

And what are your plans if/when your husband finds out on his own or if someone tells him? Most of the time a betrayed spouses does find out. IF you confess, you have a better chance of him giving you a second chance, you own what you've done, explain that you're very broken inside and made some really bad choices that have ruined his faith and trust in you. Then you get counseling, on your own and also marriage counseling with your husband use the same therapist for both. Oh and you END your affair, change your number email address etc so it's impossible for your ex affair partner to contact you.

 

Your other option is to just divorce and then pursue this guy that you're not in love with and see where it goes. Don't continue cheating and staying married. It's messing you up and you could lose everything you cherish and love, not only husband but friends, family and extended family. The life as you know it now will be shattered and lives turned upside down.

 

Ask yourself if cheating is worth losing it all.

 

You ARE addicted to how this man makes you feel, you don't have to have an addictive personality either. The affair dynamic just takes over all that and obviously you've become someone you never thought you'd be.

[ConInLA]

 

What you have done is wrong and you cannot undo it. The only RIGHT course of action is to come clean and let the chips fall where they may. Maybe he will forgive you, you two can seek some counseling and you can move on. Or, maybe he will ask for a divorce. Either way, owe it to your husband to tell him what has happened. You made a sacred promise and you broke it.

 

I have to tell you....this was well said. I really never thought of it this way. You may just be right, I do owe him the truth.

[whichwayisup]

I do wonder how healthy our relationship will be going forward with this huge secret. I can only hope that one day I will find peace.

 

Confessing is the only way. You respect and allow your husband to decide if he wants to stay married to you. If he wants to give you a chance to make things right. You decided to take the marriage and his decision out of his hands by cheating and lying to him, betraying him and also betraying your family unit. You have full control and he is clueless and no control.

 

As I said, if he finds out on his own it'll be a lot worse than if you confess. At least he'll see courage and wanting to fix yourself..being busted and the fallout is much worse.

 

If he found out, would you tell him everything or would you minimize and hide/omit truths and lie to prevent from hurting him more? How would you handle it? Or would you come clean and do whatever he requires you to do so he can trust you again?

[whichwayisup]

This is a very true quote but I just can't even fathom putting this on my husband. It would break him and hurt him for years to come! Why would I want to do that to another human being?

 

But don't you see? You've hurt him already, betrayed him and went against your vows only difference is, he doesn't 'know' yet. You chose to have an affair and put your marriage and his love for you at risk right now. Why did you do that even knowing that it would kill him and all the trust he has for you?

 

You don't have to answer that publicly, you can just think about it. My words may jump off harshly but I say it with respect.

[ConInLA]

Low self-esteem, boo-hoo, cry me a river. Doesn't everyone trot out that excuse for bad behaviour these days?

 

Actually, it's quite the contrary sir, I have way too much self-esteem. I never said I have low self-esteem. And you're absolutely right, he does deserve better.

[BaileyB]

I do wonder how healthy our relationship will be going forward with this huge secret. I can only hope that one day I will find peace.

 

It won't be healthy. You are being selfish if you think that somehow keeping this secret and bearing this burden will protect your husband. He deserves to know the truth. Only then, can you begin to move forward and hopefully develop a healthy, trusting, and intimate relationship with this man.

 

"I can only hope that one day I will find peace." You are not the victim here. You find peace by confessing your failing, and working to make things right - with yourself and with your husband. Even if you divorce, you will be able to move forward with the peace of mind of a clear conscious. It's the only way...

[Ronni_W]

I do wonder how healthy our relationship will be going forward with this huge secret. I can only hope that one day I will find peace.

No, unfortunately; 'only hoping' is not good enough and is not going to cut it.

 

I am not offering you this with any ideas or suggestions that you 'should' tell your husband. But, it may offer you insights and perspectives to help you come to your own best-informed decision:

'

How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair

', by Linda J. MacDonald.

[ConInLA]

Why did you do that even knowing that it would kill him and all the trust he has for you?

 

I have no clue. Well, actually I do. I was being selfish. I felt like I was unhappy in life and I was losing it. I thought this affair would fill up whatever void I had inside of me but in reality all it has done is made it worse.

[deadsoul]

I have no clue. Well, actually I do. I was being selfish. I felt like I was unhappy in life and I was losing it. I thought this affair would fill up whatever void I had inside of me but in reality all it has done is made it worse.

 

This was me. Exactly.

[whichwayisup]

I have no clue. Well, actually I do. I was being selfish. I felt like I was unhappy in life and I was losing it. I thought this affair would fill up whatever void I had inside of me but in reality all it has done is made it worse.

 

This is honest and the type of honest you can give to your husband. You own what you did and tell him you're getting help. BUT, confessing also means you're done with the OM and the affair. It's pointless to confess if you plan on getting ego feeds and are weak and want to continue any contact with the other man. Only confess if you mean it and never see or speak to OM again.

 

Your husband will be hurt, he'll be devastated but if you tell him you'll do anything he asks, including being an open book and allowing access to email, cell and any other social media so he can check up on you whenever he needs to, then possibly he'll give you a chance.