Lost in Affair

[ConInLA]

 

So maybe there was a bit more predatory and less friendly thing going on at the start.

 

And being turned on by having a single man "break all his rules" for you is naive - a lot of single men don't have many rules when getting married, single, separated or divorced women into bed . I fear that you got played.

 

I hope that you can extricate yourself from OM forever and devote time to healing yourself before trying any kind of R

 

Decide what you want for you. It may be D...

 

Hang in there.

 

Yes, as I mentioned in a previous post, he's a manipulator. I see him for what he is. I know that it doesn't mean that much to him. He says that I am great sex, a friend, and he cares about what happens to me. I actually do think he played me. He was in his own affair before: He cheated on his wife, got caught, and it ended in a divorce. I told him once that he just used me for sex because what man would go through this again after after the horrible affair ending he went through. He jumped at sex with me and still continues too. I have no clue why when he has a girlfriend I think and plenty of other single, available women in his phone. Well, yes I do. He avoids emotions.

[Marc878]

You're searching which is good. Getting into these situations is fairly easy. Getting out not so much.

 

There is no magic cure. The only way is time and no contact. Easier said than done.

 

If you change nothing. Nothing changes.

 

Better put some hard thought into what you want. Right now you have it all your way but that won't last forever. Love is not necessarily forever. As you've found.

 

Your H even though he doesn't know will change over time. He maybe an option now but that may end. You can't/don't see it at this time. The disconnect will grow.

[ThatsJustHowIRoll]

1. Not much sexual desire is left for my husband, tbh.

2. No, I didn't go searching for an affair because I was in a sexless marriage. My husband always wants sex. Sex with the same person for 9 years becomes repetitive.

3. No, I continued to sleep with him so that he wouldn't get suspicious. Sometimes pity sex, sometimes enjoyable.

4. I'm not sure.

5. Yes, it's weird. There have been one or two occasions where I have just felt completely repulsed by his touch or the thought of sex with him. Not sure why that is, it was surprising. He's a pretty good lover and up until my affair was my best sex ever.

5. He calls it pity sex, currently.

 

And this is why you need to let him go...

Tell, don't tell- whatever.

He deserves a marriage with someone who desires him, who won't sleep with other people and then just give him pity sex. It's not fair to keep hi In a relationship where His lover and partner is secretly repulsed by him.

 

Let him go. Let him be with someone who can be the loving partner he deserves.

[ThatsJustHowIRoll]

Sometimes I wonder this about myself. If maybe I just don't enjoy monogamy but I think it's bigger then that. Especially since, I'm not a person who likes to have casual sex with strangers. Meaningless sex becomes unfulfilling after awhile.

 

And yet AP likes to keep your sex without emotion? I'm confused

[ConInLA]

How did your counselling session go this week?

 

It went well BaileyB! Thanks for checking in. I look forward to going back and talking to him again. It's going to be kind of hard to schedule it around my job but I'm trying.

[ConInLA]

I agree with this post here. I read through your Thread today and see a lot of similarities in your feelings towards your marriage and your husband as I had during my affair. You have compartmentalized your emotions so much that you are losing site of the feelings you have or had for your husband. You are in a sense splitting yourself in half - half for the OM and half for your husband and family. You feel torn to give up either but hate the affair and the tearing of who you are. Your hate towards the entire situation is festering and making you extremely unhappy and you are trying to find a reason for your unhappiness and a way to put a stop to the entire shi** situation you have found yourself in.

 

I am not sure if you have done a lot of reading about limerence but it may help. You also need to learn how to fight the addiction and start thinking about how to get your life back on track. My advice is tell your husband the truth- it will relinquish the tight control you are trying to hold and allow you to start gaining some perspective. It also gives choice back to your husband and breaks your marriage down to the bottom to determine if it can be rebuilt or if you both need to walk away.

 

A decision and a choice are better than what you are living in. Trust me i know exactly where you are. I remember it well.

 

Great post! This is pretty much exactly how I feel. I actually Googled limerence and it sounds about right. If I could just delete him out of my head, I would. It's toxic. The fact that I know this and still have a hard time with NC is mind boggling to me. I really do wish I never went down this path. It's opened up a door to a world I would rather not know about.

[ConInLA]

You're searching which is good. Getting into these situations is fairly easy. Getting out not so much.

 

There is no magic cure. The only way is time and no contact. Easier said than done.

 

If you change nothing. Nothing changes.

 

Better put some hard thought into what you want. Right now you have it all your way but that won't last forever. Love is not necessarily forever. As you've found.

 

Your H even though he doesn't know will change over time. He maybe an option now but that may end. You can't/don't see it at this time. The disconnect will grow.

 

Yes, that is the hardest part. In a twisted way, I thought this affair would relieve my unhappiness. I wanted it to be one-and-done but clearly that didn't happen. I really do hate the fact that this distraction has caused this huge disconnect in my marriage.

[ConInLA]

And this is why you need to let him go...

Tell, don't tell- whatever.

He deserves a marriage with someone who desires him, who won't sleep with other people and then just give him pity sex. It's not fair to keep hi In a relationship where His lover and partner is secretly repulsed by him.

 

Let him go. Let him be with someone who can be the loving partner he deserves.

 

No, I said this has happened on two occasions. The feeling of being repulsed. It hasn't happened in awhile. Sometimes sex with your spouse can be a chore, I feel like I have to oblige him even when I don't want to.

[ConInLA]

[/b]

 

And yet AP likes to keep your sex without emotion? I'm confused

 

As am I, That'sJustHowIRoll. I'm a woman, sex without emotion for a prolonged period of time isn't easy. Especially, when you're "friends" with that person.

[BluesPower]

Listen, Con I have been keeping up with your thread. Everything that I that you write tell me that you really don't love your husband.

 

You can't confess because you don't want to hurt him = Which actually means that you are scared to confess because he will probably divorce you.

 

Sweetheart, everything that you are and have done is for you and because of your selfishness and entitlement.

 

I know that you are hurting and missing AP, you feel terrible about what you have done. But you don't feel terrible enough to tell your husband about it.

 

You know that he deservers better, don't you? As you are thinking through this problem, think about this. I spent 26 years taking care of a woman that as it turns out, really did not love me. Or she did not love me the right way.

 

When I realized this there was not coming back from that. She is out, she has to work for a living and her life will be much more difficult for her. When your husband finds out, and he will, this could be you.

 

The resentment that I feel for her is just overwhelming. As much as I love her, she is dead to me and she always will be. It is better to divorce your husband now on your terms that to wait till you are older and you have wasted both of your lives.

 

I will say that I now have several G/F's that actually love me more than my wife ever did. At this point, life is just so good with out her.

[Cephalopod]

omitted due to ..i dunno...

Edited February 9, 2017 by Cephalopod

[Cephalopod]

No, I said this has happened on two occasions. The feeling of being repulsed. It hasn't happened in awhile. Sometimes sex with your spouse can be a chore, I feel like I have to oblige him even when I don't want to.

 

Pretty cruel. How would you feel if he did this to you?

[alsudduth]

There is a "The Other Man / Woman" forum her at LS that I think is a better place for you to post. There are lots of betrayed spouses on her who really don't appreciate your "it's so hard to stay away from AP" tale of woe. It simply disgusts many of us...

 

Her post is about infidelity. This is an infidelity thread, not a Betrayed Spouses thread.

 

ConinLA - I have found you need to follow the advice that speaks to you and take the rest with a grain of salt. Not that I don't understand where the BS's are coming from, I've been on both sides of an A, but continue posting here. You are hearing some good things.

[ConInLA]

Pretty cruel. How would you feel if he did this to you?

 

Repulsed by his need to continue to bother me for sex; not necessarily him. Sometimes I would like to be left alone.

[ConInLA]

Her post is about infidelity. This is an infidelity thread, not a Betrayed Spouses thread.

 

ConinLA - I have found you need to follow the advice that speaks to you and take the rest with a grain of salt. Not that I don't understand where the BS's are coming from, I've been on both sides of an A, but continue posting here. You are hearing some good things.

 

Thanks for the advice. I am doing just that.

[Dub]

1. Not much sexual desire is left for my husband, tbh.

2. No, I didn't go searching for an affair because I was in a sexless marriage. My husband always wants sex. Sex with the same person for 9 years becomes repetitive.

3. No, I continued to sleep with him so that he wouldn't get suspicious. Sometimes pity sex, sometimes enjoyable.

4. I'm not sure.

5. Yes, it's weird. There have been one or two occasions where I have just felt completely repulsed by his touch or the thought of sex with him. Not sure why that is, it was surprising. He's a pretty good lover and up until my affair was my best sex ever.

5. He calls it pity sex, currently.

 

I just don't understand your way of thinking, you love your husband but give him pity sex and find him repulsive? This makes no sense

[aliveagain]

This was well said. I'm not sure if he is suspicious or not. He deep down might suspect it though, who knows. He says off the cuff comments sometimes about my late nights. I am still not sold on telling him. I do hope he never finds out. I feel as if I take the necessary precautions to not get caught. I'm beginning to be pretty paranoid about it.

 

I tried so hard not to post on your thread because I just don't see this ending well for you. Your story reminds me of another from a while back. We all eventually suspect, affairs get busted, the longer yours goes on the higher the probability of being discovered. I remember having a similar conversation with a lady poster a while back. She was cheating on her husband, we all warned her(some of those that warned her are on your thread warning you) that getting caught would be a lot worse for her then if she confessed her infidelity. Wouldn't you know it, her husband had suspected for a while and actually called her hotel room(she was on a business trip with her co worker other man) in the middle of the night, other man answered her phone, guess the phone was on his side of the bed and he was closer to it. Her husband simply asked to speak to his wife. Well you can imagine what was waiting for her when she got home, divorce papers. The husband refused reconciliation, wham, bam, a$$ out the door, she was in shock and never quite recovered. She thought she was special and that she too would never get caught but infidelity always finds a way into the light.

 

All that you are doing now will one day have to be explained to this man that you claim to love, ya, how you valued the O/M's pen*s abilities over him and your marriage. You will have to do the same with your young children when they are old enough because they will want to know why their mommy and daddy didn't want to stay with them as a family. Your in your twenties, how the hell are you going to make it to your eighties if you can't be faithful this early in your marriage? He's already asking about your late nights, that's one of the biggest red flags for any betrayed spouse. I can probably name at least 6 other things you are doing that he has already googled. By the way, he is bringing up the late nights comment because he wants you to know he is on to you. He's watching to see what you do with the information. Choose wisely.

 

Just my opinion but I think your days are numbered. Think hard about the major change that is coming into your life and prepare yourself. Bringing a third person into an already troubled marriage isn't going to fix anything. All your doing is taking the time you should be spending on making your marriage work with your husband and wasting the effort on a nothing relationship. No relationship will ever work if your only in it part time. You may be a great mother but you are a ...... wife. You fill in the appropriate word. The foundation of every good marriage is honesty and trust, your failing miserably.

Edited February 9, 2017 by aliveagain

[Nailhead]

I tried so hard not to post on your thread because I just don't see this ending well for you. Your story reminds me of another from a while back. We all eventually suspect, affairs get busted, the longer yours goes on the higher the probability of being discovered. I remember having a similar conversation with a lady poster a while back. She was cheating on her husband, we all warned her(some of those that warned her are on your thread warning you) that getting caught would be a lot worse for her then if she confessed her infidelity. Wouldn't you know it, her husband had suspected for a while and actually called her hotel room(she was on a business trip with her co worker other man) in the middle of the night, other man answered her phone, guess the phone was on his side of the bed and he was closer to it. Her husband simply asked to speak to his wife. Well you can imagine what was waiting for her when she got home, divorce papers. The husband refused reconciliation, wham, bam, a$$ out the door, she was in shock and never quite recovered. She thought she was special and that she too would never get caught but infidelity always finds a way into the light.

 

All that you are doing now will one day have to be explained to this man that you claim to love, ya, how you valued the O/M's pen*s abilities over him and your marriage. You will have to do the same with your young children when they are old enough because they will want to know why their mommy and daddy didn't want to stay with them as a family. Your in your twenties, how the hell are you going to make it to your eighties if you can't be faithful this early in your marriage? He's already asking about your late nights, that's one of the biggest red flags for any betrayed spouse. I can probably name at least 6 other things you are doing that he has already googled. By the way, he is bringing up the late nights comment because he wants you to know he is on to you. He's watching to see what you do with the information. Choose wisely.

 

Just my opinion but I think your days are numbered. Think hard about the major change that is coming into your life and prepare yourself. Bringing a third person into an already troubled marriage isn't going to fix anything. All your doing is taking the time you should be spending on making your marriage work with your husband and wasting the effort on a nothing relationship. No relationship will ever work if your only in it part time. You may be a great mother but you are a ...... wife. You fill in the appropriate word. The foundation of every good marriage is honesty and trust, your failing miserably.

 

This post is so good and dead on that I had to register to say that. What has been written here will come to fruition. Just a matter of time.

[HeCantBreakMe]

I tried so hard not to post on your thread because I just don't see this ending well for you. Your story reminds me of another from a while back. We all eventually suspect, affairs get busted, the longer yours goes on the higher the probability of being discovered. I remember having a similar conversation with a lady poster a while back. She was cheating on her husband, we all warned her(some of those that warned her are on your thread warning you) that getting caught would be a lot worse for her then if she confessed her infidelity. Wouldn't you know it, her husband had suspected for a while and actually called her hotel room(she was on a business trip with her co worker other man) in the middle of the night, other man answered her phone, guess the phone was on his side of the bed and he was closer to it. Her husband simply asked to speak to his wife. Well you can imagine what was waiting for her when she got home, divorce papers. The husband refused reconciliation, wham, bam, a$$ out the door, she was in shock and never quite recovered. She thought she was special and that she too would never get caught but infidelity always finds a way into the light.

 

All that you are doing now will one day have to be explained to this man that you claim to love, ya, how you valued the O/M's pen*s abilities over him and your marriage. You will have to do the same with your young children when they are old enough because they will want to know why their mommy and daddy didn't want to stay with them as a family. Your in your twenties, how the hell are you going to make it to your eighties if you can't be faithful this early in your marriage? He's already asking about your late nights, that's one of the biggest red flags for any betrayed spouse. I can probably name at least 6 other things you are doing that he has already googled. By the way, he is bringing up the late nights comment because he wants you to know he is on to you. He's watching to see what you do with the information. Choose wisely.

 

Just my opinion but I think your days are numbered. Think hard about the major change that is coming into your life and prepare yourself. Bringing a third person into an already troubled marriage isn't going to fix anything. All your doing is taking the time you should be spending on making your marriage work with your husband and wasting the effort on a nothing relationship. No relationship will ever work if your only in it part time. You may be a great mother but you are a ...... wife. You fill in the appropriate word. The foundation of every good marriage is honesty and trust, your failing miserably.

 

I also echo this in agreement.

 

There have been some affairs that haven't been discovered but I imagine it would eat at the heart of soul of the person until it destroyed them from within to harbor such a secret and 2 it will eat away at your marriage continuing to make it worse.

 

The longer you continue this the higher probability yours will be of discovery.

 

I have felt the way you feel about your husband physically and mentally it is your minds way of dealing with your affair and making it 'okay' in your head. I would bet that buried inside of you is a lot of love and respect for your husband but you have buried it and if you were to get caught and lose your marriage because of it you will one day come to truly regret your choices.

 

Now, yes, i am sure you regret them now but currently you are not choosing to fight for anything. You are just caught up and hoping someone else or something else can make the decision for you. What is it you want to fight for?

[GoldenR]

Con -

 

If you were being 100% faithful, and you found out that your H was heavily involved in an A, would you want to R or D?

[BuddyX]

Agree with aliveagain. Your hubby prob is already suspicious.

 

I knew I was bailing on my ExW (I realized I will always be her #2) but kept it to myself. Ill never forget, my plan was to leave on Friday (no kids, and I could care less about $$).

 

ExW, on Wednesday, jokingly said something to the effect in a laughing matter "Honey, if I didn't know better, I would think you're leaving me". I looked her in the eye and said "I am. You got 48 more hours with me".

 

Yup, packed up and was gone. No explanation necessary. Her Entitlement trumped my commitment. Nuff said.

[ConInLA]

Listen, Con I have been keeping up with your thread. Everything that I that you write tell me that you really don't love your husband.

 

You can't confess because you don't want to hurt him = Which actually means that you are scared to confess because he will probably divorce you.

 

Sweetheart, everything that you are and have done is for you and because of your selfishness and entitlement.

 

I know that you are hurting and missing AP, you feel terrible about what you have done. But you don't feel terrible enough to tell your husband about it.

 

You know that he deservers better, don't you? As you are thinking through this problem, think about this. I spent 26 years taking care of a woman that as it turns out, really did not love me. Or she did not love me the right way.

 

When I realized this there was not coming back from that. She is out, she has to work for a living and her life will be much more difficult for her. When your husband finds out, and he will, this could be you.

 

The resentment that I feel for her is just overwhelming. As much as I love her, she is dead to me and she always will be. It is better to divorce your husband now on your terms that to wait till you are older and you have wasted both of your lives.

 

I will say that I now have several G/F's that actually love me more than my wife ever did. At this point, life is just so good with out her.

 

Yes, this is actually pretty accurate. It's so hard to tell someone that you don't love them as much as they deserve. That you are for some reason currently incapable of those emotions. I just would hate to end a marriage because I am going through a difficult time.

[ConInLA]

I just don't understand your way of thinking, you love your husband but give him pity sex and find him repulsive? This makes no sense

 

On OCCASION, this is how I feel.

[Nailhead]

On OCCASION, this is how I feel.

 

Is it really duty sex and not pity sex? If I may ask, what repulses you about your H occasionally?

[Ronni_W]

I just would hate to end a marriage because I am going through a difficult time.

And, of course, that would not be wise or advised.

 

The thing is to do your coping with and healing through this difficult time in ways that do not carry all this potential for hurt and pain and damage and harm. It is your responsibility and obligation to yourself and your spouse to FIND the healthy and positive ways - the self-expanding and growth-inspiring ways - that best work for you.

 

An affair just doesn't fit that bill, and neither does wallowing in self-pity and the 'what-can-I-do-about-it?-I'm-so-helpless-and-out-of-control' mentality.