"Doubts about our dynamic"

[Cookiesandough]

Sometimes it's best to ask yourself what would you do/how would you feel if the tables were turned to get a better understanding of how someone else may feel. With that said I'll ask you this;

 

If you told a guy that he could see being with you long term, he's the first person that you've dated in almost a year since your father died and he replies back, "I don't know what I want. It could be FWB or maybe something else, but I don't know. I haven't thought that far." Would you still stick around?

 

 

Except that's not what happened if you read op. A more accurate reversal would look like:

 

A man you slept with is now fending off your heavy advances to sleep with him again. You pry and find out he is worried he had sex with you too soon. You say to him " let me guess, you don't want to be used? made a fool of?" and he says "yea that's it." So you ask him what he wants, he says he doesn't know but he could very well want you for a "**** buddy or something more". You're fine with this, and you reply, "I don't know what I want either. But here's how I see us. ... we'll see each other a few nights a week and see where it goes." You ask him what his 5 year plan for a relationship is. He tells you, and you tell him you haven't been ready to have a serious relationship in years due to personal matters and you've never told a man you were thinking of something serious with him, but if you don't see something serious with someone you cut it off. He wraps it up by saying "Well we can keep hanging out" and you say "yeah. we can keep hanging out then" and kiss him goodbye.

 

You get home and don't call him. He calls you a day later and apologizes saying that he essentially just meant he wants to take it slow. You respond "No worries. I'm sorry I was so aggressive about the sex. I'm not entitled to sex and I have no problem waiting for someone I'm into, but I'm having some doubts about our dynamics. We can keep hanging out, but there won't be anything serious."

 

______________________________

 

it becomes a little more difficult to me believe, even controlling for the absurdity such a gender role reversal, that he really wanted a serious relationship down the road and he was just so offended by the "hanging out" comment that he nixed any possibility of it

Edited February 2, 2017 by Cookiesandough

[thecrucible]

I think people should know what they're getting into and that nothing is guaranteed before they have sex but hey stuff happens! Once you let the cat out of the bag, you kind of have to follow the momentum and bring up the more serious conversation about intentions at a time that feels right. You can't backtrack and expect the relationship to be the same. The guy will want to carry on the momentum and he might be confused by the fact you're willing to have sex but then are holding back.

 

I'm not blaming you. I was in a similar situation and as it turned out I was in over my head and I'd allowed things to happen too quickly without giving myself time. But nothing is guaranteed and you are always going to being taking a risk with first time sex. To us ladies, sex can be emotional escalation. But not to some guys. I guess some guys will be annoyed if you draw back and it will be a blow to their ego more than anything. Sex won't necessarily change their view of how far they see things developing with you from the outset. Sex is a big motivating factor for a lot of young guys getting into relationships. I don't know as many men as I thought I would who get into relationships with the long term as an immediate end goal. All I know that the best way to go is to keep things fun and light in the early stages.

[salparadise]

Any guy that is super into you would stick around if...

No I would not stick around.

But I would also let them know why I wasn't sticking around.

I also think that men are wired differently than women and are okay chasing for a bit.

 

I think if he were really into her, he would say something more like...

 

He's thinking this is going to be more work than he's willing to put in.

 

 

As if all guys are exactly the same, and super predictable. Unh. And there's some requirement that a guy be super into you from the git-go or else he just isn't worth of consideration? Actually, there are some guys that assess and reassess continually as thing progress, keeping an open mind and open heart. I certainly wouldn't be chasing unless I was getting some consistent signals that it was worth it on several levels.

 

More work than he's willing to put in, or just more headache than he's willing to put up with. If a woman sleeps with you, then cuts off the sex, then says she doesn't know, but maybe she'd want you for FWB... that would do it for me for sure. It pays to do your looking where the light is good.

[zawadi16]

When you tell someone you think it was "too soon" and you wished you didn't have sex with them, but you wanted it, it can be pretty heavy for the other person. I do not think he wanted something serious with you(I'm not sure" is a no until further notice. Ignore any excuses), and you may have appeared to have some hang ups and expectations from sex by saying it was "Too soon". Not saying that is the case. Just how that can be interpreted. So he was honest and told you it wouldn't progress. Be grateful for that. Some people are not that generous.

 

But he was way too pushy with the sex.

 

You read how OP said, "I don't know" "We could just be FWB". This AFTER he had already told her multiple times on other dates how he only dates one woman at a time. He then asked "What do you need from me?" "Do you want me to tell you how I feel about you?" OP replies, "No. I could give a sh*t about that" aka I don't give a crap how you feel. AFTER all that is when he said I don't know but then proceeds to tell her how he envisions their future together in spite of their busy schedule.

 

What person would say, oh yea I really like you and I want to eventually get serious, even though I've been telling you how I'm only dating you after you've been told I don't know and we could potentially be f*ck buddies? No one. Unless you're some masochist no one is going to go all in after OP told him all those things.

 

He had been telling OP that he was all in from the beginning. If a man is telling you repeatedly I'm only seeing you it's because he's trying to get serious. She lives two hours away and he's making sure to take her on dates and to contact her everyday on top of that. This is the behavior of someone who knows what he wants. He wanted OP. OP didn't seem that interested and he backed off. A man who isn't that into you and more importantly, just wants sex, isn't going to ask what's your 5 year plan relationship wise, isn't going to ask do you want me to tell you how I feel about you? He also wouldn't be offended by the term "hanging out".

 

To be honest all of that emotional stuff he spewed at OP a lot of men wouldn't do/say. It's a little on the weak side after essentially being told someone feels lukewarm about you.

[zawadi16]

No I would not stick around.

But I would also let them know why I wasn't sticking around.

I also think that men are wired differently than women and are okay chasing for a bit.

This was only a month thing.

 

 

 

I think if he were really into her, he would say something more like "I don't see this going anywhere because we want different things. I want long term and you don't know what you want."

 

What she said is NOT music to a sex-driven man's ears.

She said she didn't want to have sex!

 

He's thinking this is going to be more work than he's willing to put in.

Take him at his word - he doesn't think you fit together for whatever reason.

Regardless of if he was just after sex or actually after a relationship (with someone), he's really just not that interested.

 

You don't know if he went to his friends, family, etc. If this had been my son, best friend, cousin, what have I would've said you need to back off immediately or either leave her alone altogether. I can see a lot of people advising him to leave her alone. I can bet every penny that I have if the table were turned and OP was a man everyone would be saying he is just trying to toy with her and isn't interested.

[jakrbbt]

OP- what strikes me is that you posted this in the first place. Unless of course you're totally smitten with the guy, or even a little bit into him and you are disappointed that you didn't make a connection with a person you'd already decided you wanted to be with, then I think that the remarkable thing is not that you didn't connect with someone, but that you posted online about it. You want to see good vice about what happened. You're curious about what's going on when something like this happens to you.

 

Am I correct that it is more of that, unless a question of how you might get back together with this person?

 

To me it seems that you are grappling with some (very understandable) aversions to rejection and disappointment. If I were you, I would work on those themes. I think something is telling you that you wish to understand, and deal with or maybe avoid, things like rejection and disappointment. You want to be successful in all your relationships. And that idea is something you're really grappling with right now for some reason. My impression of this event with this guy, is that it serves as a catalyst for you to grapple with those things right now. So I would take this as a great opportunity to do that.

 

There's a book I would recommend, "if you're so smart, why aren't you happy?" By Raj Ragahnathun. I am not saying you aren't happy! I didn't make up that title! But, it is an excelent read. It is geared toward smart and successful people and I think that you would enjoy it. Best of luck!

[Emmafive]

OP- what strikes me is that you posted this in the first place. Unless of course you're totally smitten with the guy, or even a little bit into him and you are disappointed that you didn't make a connection with a person you'd already decided you wanted to be with, then I think that the remarkable thing is not that you didn't connect with someone, but that you posted online about it. You want to see good vice about what happened. You're curious about what's going on when something like this happens to you.

 

Am I correct that it is more of that, unless a question of how you might get back together with this person?

 

To me it seems that you are grappling with some (very understandable) aversions to rejection and disappointment. If I were you, I would work on those themes. I think something is telling you that you wish to understand, and deal with or maybe avoid, things like rejection and disappointment. You want to be successful in all your relationships. And that idea is something you're really grappling with right now for some reason. My impression of this event with this guy, is that it serves as a catalyst for you to grapple with those things right now. So I would take this as a great opportunity to do that.

 

There's a book I would recommend, "if you're so smart, why aren't you happy?" By Raj Ragahnathun. I am not saying you aren't happy! I didn't make up that title! But, it is an excelent read. It is geared toward smart and successful people and I think that you would enjoy it. Best of luck!

 

Gracias! I will definitely be looking into that

 

I think it's a mixture of all those things. I actually do really like him, I was kicking myself in the pants for rushing into sex, then I thought we were both on the same page, and after he called things off I felt rejected and used. When I left he seemed fine so him calling things off confused me, which brought me here.

[jakrbbt]

Gracias! I will definitely be looking into that

 

I think it's a mixture of all those things. I actually do really like him, I was kicking myself in the pants for rushing into sex, then I thought we were both on the same page, and after he called things off I felt rejected and used. When I left he seemed fine so him calling things off confused me, which brought me here.

 

He probably felt rejected too. My other impression was that there were some hurt feelings all around, which so often happens.

 

I think I spelled the author's last name wrong but if you look up the title of that book it's pretty easy to find!

[salparadise]

I think people should know what they're getting into and that nothing is guaranteed before they have sex but hey stuff happens! Once you let the cat out of the bag, you kind of have to follow the momentum and bring up the more serious conversation about intentions at a time that feels right. You can't backtrack and expect the relationship to be the same. The guy will want to carry on the momentum and he might be confused by the fact you're willing to have sex but then are holding back.

 

I'm not blaming you. I was in a similar situation and as it turned out I was in over my head and I'd allowed things to happen too quickly without giving myself time. But nothing is guaranteed and you are always going to being taking a risk with first time sex. To us ladies, sex can be emotional escalation. But not to some guys. I guess some guys will be annoyed if you draw back and it will be a blow to their ego more than anything. Sex won't necessarily change their view of how far they see things developing with you from the outset. Sex is a big motivating factor for a lot of young guys getting into relationships. I don't know as many men as I thought I would who get into relationships with the long term as an immediate end goal. All I know that the best way to go is to keep things fun and light in the early stages.

 

A very well reasoned and realistic response; crucible is on-point in several ways.

 

I wish women and men would quit making it all about sex and be more realistic. For mature adults, sex is always a consideration but it shouldn't be a scorecard. We are all sexual creatures, so why not accept that and be a bit more laid back about it. Men, shouldn't be so focused on sex right now, and women shouldn't be obsessed about the virtuous women myth. Let it flow naturally, no regrets. If sex happens naturally but a relationship doesn't flourish, nobody is the winner or loser... unless there are a bunch of rigid expectations attached.

[thecrucible]

A very well reasoned and realistic response; crucible is on-point in several ways.

 

I wish women and men would quit making it all about sex and be more realistic. For mature adults, sex is always a consideration but it shouldn't be a scorecard. We are all sexual creatures, so why not accept that and be a bit more laid back about it. Men, shouldn't be so focused on sex right now, and women shouldn't be obsessed about the virtuous women myth. Let it flow naturally, no regrets. If sex happens naturally but a relationship doesn't flourish, nobody is the winner or loser... unless there are a bunch of rigid expectations attached.

 

Thank you. All I know is that I've been LTRs where we got intimate fairly quickly and were dating for at least a year afterwards. When we did break-up, I don't think the early sex was a contributing factor. I decide that I will have it only when I feel comfortable. Some guys want to judge you on it. They think you should keep buttoned up before you meet them but that isn't realistic. It's great to see someone speaking from a guy's point of view who knows what I'm getting at. I was actually unhappy in a relationship once with a guy with abusive tendencies but people seriously advised me to stay with him because we'd already had sex. So yes I just do what I want now.

 

I think the main thing is to be able to look at the relationship as a whole and don't let that cloud your judgement. So if you're having sex but not progressing emotionally then you know something's up. Sometimes activities you do confuse as well. Simple, if you take away the sex and the stuff they buy you or the places they take you, how much genuine intimacy is there between the two of you? I know I have learned that way of looking at things the hard way.

 

OP, anything new?

[Mrin]

As others have said - lots of mixed signals and indecision. I would have nexted you as well as I have zero tolerance for people who don't know what they want yet flail around sending mixed signals.

 

All that being said - you dodged a bullet. You're going into law school and this guy seemed kinda needy. Those two things don't mix. 1L sucks and you don't need that sort of distraction.

[Eternal Sunshine]

Eh...I don't believe OP did anything majorly wrong.

 

Even after a couple of dates, let alone sex, if 2 people are really drawn to each other, wild horses can't keep them apart. When there is strong mutual interest, any misunderstandings are quite easy to smooth over because both want it so bad.