40-year rewind...really! [UPDATE: Broke NC After 8 Months]

[lana-banana]

Your tone sounds like that of a much younger woman. If that sounds like a compliment, it isn't. It is unsettling to hear a woman your age sigh about ever having your man, how the other woman is just jealous and mean, how pretty you are, and so on. It's superficial in the extreme. I wonder if you've regressed to this college-age mentality because the bulk of your relationship with this guy happened so long ago and that's what you remember? Or it's something you're trying to reclaim? Either way it's time to grow up. This man isn't trapped. If he wanted to be with you, he would be.

 

The part about his security clearance is garbage. Sorry, but no level of security clearance requires exceptional credit; the only financial requirement is no delinquent or debilitating debt. Look it up. But you know what is a security risk? Vulnerability to blackmail, evidence of poor judgment and a willingness to betray others---e.g. having an affair.

 

It is beyond annoying to see folks, especially in this forum, brag about partners with security clearances, prominent public roles, sensitive military or law enforcement positions, etc. The internet is nowhere near as anonymous as you think it is and when you post this kind of stuff you can put people at risk. Don't do it.

 

Back to the main point: you are spending way too much time and effort trying to figure out what's going on in their marriage. You're not involved. You have no idea what she or even he is thinking. You don't know what they're doing, either; you certainly can't take the word of a man who happily lied to you for years and dropped you like a hot potato when something else came up. What you had wasn't love, it was ego.

 

Anyone else who truly wants to be with you will move mountains to make it happen. This man isn't pushing so much as a shovel's worth of dirt. You have plenty of chances for happiness, but not if you keep clinging to this fantasy.

[freengreen]

Its sooo sad.... I am talking about all of the affairs here..... given enough time, every single one of them ends pathetic, sooner or later. A few might have different stories but who knows...

 

Why dont you just do what your soul needs?.. without including another person.. perhaps,take a trip alone on a harley on a beach... How much longer do you want to dispense your time on these people?

[HappyAgain2014]

Sounds like all of the effort in this relationship has been by you. What has he ever done for you? A person doesn't repeatedly ghost someone they love or respect. You may have had fun in your youth but that isn't a twisted sense of fate. Like many people in the past, this guy would have been better left there.

 

You were there to feed his ego when it was convenient for him. At any other time, he viewed you as expendable. Despite all the excuses you make for him, you don't seem to see the truth. If he wanted a divorce, he'd get one. If he wanted to be with you, he would be. All these so called complications that make him a victim are ridiculous. Quite simply, he's selfish.

 

You have this fantasy of beaches and Harleys while he has a life. To keep you on the hook, he strokes your fantasy while you stroke his ego. Then he zaps out of fantasy and lives his life. Fantasy is a plan to you while it's just talk to him. Do you see how this will never materialize?

[S2B]

When ANY man truly wants to be with you - NOTHING stops him!

 

IF he intended to be with you...he would have made that happen within the first year - but here you are - a sad woman 40 years later still inspecting their marriage for cracks...

 

Why haven't YOU changed things FOR YOURSELF?

[AutumnMoon]

Yes I am probably one of the most hated other women on this forum, I don't judge anybody knowing I have no place to throw stones .

 

But sometimes I can't even get through your posts. You just seem very stuck in high school mentality.

Seems to be like a competition for you, who will win the man.. who is the prettiest.

 

I think you just need to find somebody new.

[anika99]

Actually I think you need to embrace being alone and learn to love your single life. Not because you will necessarily be single forever but because you seem to hang a lot of your hope and self worth on being with a man.

 

You said that this MM is your last chance at a relationship while lamenting that the middle aged men in your area are going after younger women. You were also surprised that guys weren't flocking to you after you ended your marriage and you only filed for divorce a year ago. Slow down, don't be in such a hurry to get a man and get yourself into another serious relationship.

 

I had been in serious longterm relationships my whole life. My last relationship went on for 10yrs and though I was madly deeply in love with my partner it was a troubled relationship that finally ended forever when he suddenly passed away. The first couple of years on my own were full of loneliness and grief. I was so sad and I also felt so alone. It was a scary time because I had never been completely on my own before but I didn't date because I was grieving and not ready. After a couple of years I realized that there is so much more to life than having a romantic relationship. I started to really enjoy living for myself and having only myself to answer to. It's like a whole new world opened up to me once I overcame my fear of being alone and my only regret is that I didn't do it much sooner in life. I would have made much better choices if I hadn't built so much of my self worth and self esteem on attracting and having men.

 

You say your ex husband was an abusive narcissist and you only divorced him a year ago. It takes a long time to recover from a longterm abusive relationship and there are many things you still need to learn about yourself. You have to get okay with being alone because eventually most everyone winds up alone in the end. Unless you and your partner die together in a crash, one of you will end up alone. Lol...I know I sound pretty grim, but I don't mean it to be negative I just mean that you should look for beauty and happiness in the world and in yourself even if you are single and alone.

[RewindRomancer]

You are right, obviously, about learning to live alone before I rush into another relationship. Wise, wise advice.

 

 

In light of an earlier poster who reminded me of just how small the internet really is, and because of the very real possibility that I'll compromise MM's job, I'm going to stop talking about HIS stuff. But just a couple of other things to answer previous questions/observations......

 

 

First, I write like I am much younger because I have several "Millenial" adult children. I also live in the middle of an incredibly youth-oriented culture here. I guess I've picked up the language that surrounds me. Plus, tone does not come across well in writing. Some of the comments I've made that posters have taken offense to here were really made tongue-in-cheek. I don't take myself as seriously as you guys do. I'm fun and funny IRL and I am so, so, so, so glad that I have that part of me back after the nightmare that was my marriage. MM is hilarious, too, and that's part of the glue that has kept us stuck to each other for so many decades.

 

 

And as far as the ego thing that everybody has pointed out to me, here is my sincere thought (and I've been developing this theory while lurking here for year). Don't all OW have big egos???? I mean think about it.....logically, wouldn't we *have* to have above-average confidence? Most of us believe we are sexy enough to "steal" some older, more successful, wealthier man from his wife, home, and kids, right? That takes guts AND ego. (Not saying any of it is right, but it takes a special kind of woman to go after a man with such enormous odds stacked against her!)

 

 

PLUS, what successful/narcissistic cheater would go after any woman who didn't have those confident, aggressive, sexy qualities???? Seriously, think about it.

 

 

I've always pictured the ladies on here as gorgeous, young, sexy, educated professionals. Most of us meet our MM at work - and further, he is often our boss. I'm not "throwing shade" at anybody here - oops, there's that 20-year-old in me coming out again!!! <heh>. But, really, I think the very nature of being an OW requires an above-average confidence/ego.

 

 

Dunno. Just my thoughts for the day. I'm really not that conceited, I swear. ;o) If you'd known me five years ago, I was beaten down and traumatized. With or without my MM, I am rebuilding and recovering, even spent my therapy session talking about this stuff today. I'm on my way!

 

 

One last thing.....unless MM blows me up again, I'm done talking about him.....but I would LOVE, LOVE, LOVE to hang around LS as a regular contributor. It took me months to get up enough guts to post on this forum. You guys can be brutal! But if you all will let me into the club, I'd love to stay and "play" for a while. ;o)

 

 

You ladies speak truth - even when it hurts. Believe me I'm listening.

 

 

P.S. BluesPower answered all of my questions. His take on things ring true. MM didn't have a pre-nup and married the WRONG young lady. MM can't handle her, and he's terrified to leave for very real financial reasons. Done. Not my problem anymore......

[anika99]

And as far as the ego thing that everybody has pointed out to me, here is my sincere thought (and I've been developing this theory while lurking here for year). Don't all OW have big egos???? I mean think about it.....logically, wouldn't we *have* to have above-average confidence? Most of us believe we are sexy enough to "steal" some older, more successful, wealthier man from his wife, home, and kids, right? That takes guts AND ego. (Not saying any of it is right, but it takes a special kind of woman to go after a man with such enormous odds stacked against her!)

 

Well it's kind of a paradox isn't it. Yes it takes an inflated ego to decide that you are better than a married man's wife and to actively plan to lure him away from his marriage, however having an inflated ego doesn't require authentic confidence and high self esteem.

 

I also have an ego and it's that ego that has kept me from becoming an OW over the years. Oh I'd like to say I have never been an OW because I'm altruistic and moral. Perhaps that is some of the reason but most of the reason is because my ego doesn't allow me to share a man. I tend to think too highly of myself to accept that position. I don't care what the guy's sad sack story is, I will not accept the man I love, being with another woman, not even his wife. I will not have limits placed on my relationship because my man has to appease another woman, not even his wife. I will not accept a man whom I can't see or call whenever I want. My confidence doesn't allow me to accept a weak man who lacks character and who doesn't take responsibility for his own life and happiness like a grown man. Having a man whining whining to me for 3 hours and crying about how his wife is controlling him and there's just nothing the poor dear can do about it? Barf! That sounds pathetic to me. It doesn't make his wife look bad it makes him sound pathetic and my ego says that someone like that is beneath me.

[S2B]

You say humor has kept you by glue - together with this MM... 40 years.

 

 

You see - that's completely delusional due to the fact that he isn't "with you". He is with his wife.

 

You are the outsider. Call yourself what you are...the one who isn't his TOP priority.

 

There's no glue - it's just that YOU have stuck around for 40 years while he's been married! You settled - he got his cake and a second helping. This ONLY benefitted this cheating MM.

[Ruffian1]

Your tone sounds like that of a much younger woman. If that sounds like a compliment, it isn't. It is unsettling to hear a woman your age sigh about ever having your man, how the other woman is just jealous and mean, how pretty you are, and so on. It's superficial in the extreme.

 

This is spot on. This whole relationship is based on competition and winning and superficial.

 

PLUS, what successful/narcissistic cheater would go after any woman who didn't have those confident, aggressive, sexy qualities????

 

Um, no. Cheaters strike in all socioeconomic levels/genders/cultures (like cancer, indiscriminate). Low income, blue collar, jobless, white collar, stay-at-home spouses, politicians, celebrities, girl/guy next door, it doesn't matter. Some will go after AP because the opportunity presents itself. Then you have serial cheaters who make it a way of life.

 

They don't call them "Players" for nothing. Womanizer, philanderers comes to mind also.

 

Confident, aggressive, sexy? That might be qualities you ascribe to some OW, some people may see those traits -relative to a OW/MM relationship- as something completely different.

 

You MM is only out for himself. There is no real LOVE involved with you or his current W. Seems it is all about looks, career success, money, lifestyle.

 

You need to not get involved with a MM. They usually have a hidden agenda.

 

Just my 2 cents.

Edited April 1, 2017 by Ruffian1

[S2B]

It's important to know that most MM don't choose their OW on beauty or sexiness - most are chosen because they are willing.

[jah526]

And as far as the ego thing that everybody has pointed out to me, here is my sincere thought (and I've been developing this theory while lurking here for year). Don't all OW have big egos???? I mean think about it.....logically, wouldn't we *have* to have above-average confidence? Most of us believe we are sexy enough to "steal" some older, more successful, wealthier man from his wife, home, and kids, right? That takes guts AND ego. (Not saying any of it is right, but it takes a special kind of woman to go after a man with such enormous odds stacked against her!)

 

 

PLUS, what successful/narcissistic cheater would go after any woman who didn't have those confident, aggressive, sexy qualities???? Seriously, think about it.

 

 

I've always pictured the ladies on here as gorgeous, young, sexy, educated professionals. Most of us meet our MM at work - and further, he is often our boss. I'm not "throwing shade" at anybody here - oops, there's that 20-year-old in me coming out again!!! <heh>. But, really, I think the very nature of being an OW requires an above-average confidence/ego.

 

 

Well, I'm an exception. I've always had self-esteem issues and I believe I was targeted for exactly that reason.

 

I actually think the opposite of what you are describing. MM's MO was to try to "hook" as many women as he could - get them interested in trying activity X away from work, alone with him, where he could work on them more easily. He saw opportunity everywhere. The only thing special about me was that I took the bait.

 

I believe that this MO is more common than what you are describing. MM knows that he has a fatal flaw - that he's married - and that is automatically going to eliminate a huge chunk of the female population, especially the ones who know their worth and would not stoop so low as to be second to anyone.

 

Read the statistics on how many of these MMs find their OWs to be in any way superior to their wives. They're basically just what they can get.

[Steen719]

 

 

And as far as the ego thing that everybody has pointed out to me, here is my sincere thought (and I've been developing this theory while lurking here for year). Don't all OW have big egos???? I mean think about it.....logically, wouldn't we *have* to have above-average confidence? Most of us believe we are sexy enough to "steal" some older, more successful, wealthier man from his wife, home, and kids, right? That takes guts AND ego. (Not saying any of it is right, but it takes a special kind of woman to go after a man with such enormous odds stacked against her!)

 

 

 

I am having the hardest time reconciling your words to reality. OW come in all shapes, sizes, ages, etc. and I guess I am having difficulty seeing how a big ego and above average confidence can help a person accept seconds from anyone. And what if you win? You win someone who can be "stolen" from another woman and well, there are younger women out there who could steal him from you, because after all, he is stealable!

 

What makes that kind of woman "special"? It is really kind of sad to think that you honestly think you are special because you can lure someone's husband away and then when he still doesn't choose you, you somehow make it about her, his wife, instead of you.

 

I'm sure you are young looking and attractive, but older women and men trying to act, look and talk like they are years younger is just kind of sad, millenial children or not. I'm not saying to lay down and die, but maybe move on from "gee, I think he likes me" to "maybe there is an unattached man out there I can enjoy spending time with".

[oldbutcurious]

...and I've been future-faked, right?

 

 

I believe it might be.

[lana-banana]

You say you're done talking about the MM, but until you get real about the circumstances you're setting yourself up for something like this to happen again. No, the lesson here is not "he WANTS to be with me but he married a devious witch who won't let him". The lesson is a man strung you along and lied to you, you ate it up hook line and sinker even though he didn't give you anything in return, and then he cut you loose. The end.

 

I am not an other woman, but my fiancé left his long-term girlfriend to be with me. They had a townhouse and other legal assets together. When we decided to start a relationship he separated immediately and two months later they had both moved out and dissolved all joint holdings. It's possible. When a man wants to be with you, he's with you, and he certainly doesn't lie about his wife as an excuse.

 

If you want to focus on yourself then you need to understand what's happened to you and why it happened. Avoiding it only guarantees you'll do it again.

[S2B]

I think it has less to do with looks and more to do with willingness and low self esteem.

 

Your low self esteem has shown here many times when you've had the need to tell us how pretty and sexy you are.

 

To the MM obviously pretty and sexy aren't what's needed to pick the OW.

 

Your theories have holes in them. Can you re-evaluate the affair to see it clearly?

[HappyAgain2014]

Most OW don't have big egos. In fact, if they did, they wouldn't settle for the waiting game that comes with MM.

 

I never would have looked at a MM twice until my affair. I was coming out of a bad marriage and was at a low point in my life. It was a perfect storm of overly emotional thinking. In a twisted sense, I thought my xMM understood. I thought he was in the same place. Stealing him wasn't my objective. I thought I was saving him. Yep, twisted thinking.

 

The painful realization that he had become a cake eater knocked me right out of that mindset. I was essentially filling the gaps in his marriage and that stood in the way of any chance he and his wife had to address those issues.

 

I'm back to my pre-affair perspective about married men interested in cheating. They are selfish men who think like entitled children. I want nothing to do with any of them.

[elaine567]

And as far as the ego thing that everybody has pointed out to me, here is my sincere thought (and I've been developing this theory while lurking here for year). Don't all OW have big egos???? I mean think about it.....logically, wouldn't we *have* to have above-average confidence? Most of us believe we are sexy enough to "steal" some older, more successful, wealthier man from his wife, home, and kids, right? That takes guts AND ego. (Not saying any of it is right, but it takes a special kind of woman to go after a man with such enormous odds stacked against her!)

 

I think some OW do have big egos and that is their particular Achilles heel which can be exploited by the MM.

He knows her ego is very important to her, so he learns that if he inflates and strokes her ego, she is putty in his hands.

 

Common OW thinking, amply aided and abetted by compliments and future faking from the MM -

"He WILL eventually choose me of course he will, I am younger, prettier, more intelligent, funnier, more interesting, sexier, more successful, kinder, more caring, more loving...etc. etc. than his wife.

He will not be able to resist me...

 

PLUS, what successful/narcissistic cheater would go after any woman who didn't have those confident, aggressive, sexy qualities???? Seriously, think about it.

Truth is many successful/narcissistic MM do not want truly confident independent women.

They are on the look out for "wounded animals" or successful women they can take down a peg and control.

He is usually not looking for another wife, he is usually just looking for an OW and that is different.

Many single OW and even some MW make the mistake of treating the MM as just another single guy. They believe the rules of engagement are the same.

"He has a gf, he meets me, he ditches the gf and WE become the couple."

BUT it's not usually the same

"He has a wife, he meets me, he makes me his OW, he has no intention of leaving his wife, I watch from the sidelines, waiting... whilst he just gets on with his normal married life"

 

He calls the shots, he juggles both women in the air and that for some men can be very empowering.

He is "da man", he has two besotted, lovestruck women at his beck and call. He often gives them both what he thinks they need, he tells them both what they want to hear.

I guess neither woman is really the full package for him, hence why he needs both in his life, or why he flits from one to the other.

One moment he is putting up picket fences with the OW, the next he is reconciling with his wife...

 

The OW may be outwardly confident, aggressive and sexy but she is also vulnerable in some way, otherwise she would have told the MM to take a hike from the start, and instead of playing his game, she would have looked around for an equally successful single man of her own.

[S2B]

Low self esteem and ego need not get mixed into the same category...

[RewindRomancer]

I don't feel guilty...nope...not one bit.

 

He literally talked my son and I through the evacuation of the biggest natural disaster in American history.

 

Did it. Own it.

 

We're back on. Sigh......

 

RR

Edited September 20, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Anonymity~T

[travelbug1996]

This is the sad story about the guy who you were on and off with for 40 years who married like 2 or 3 times in those 40 years?

 

Pining away for 40 years for someone is so sad and such a waste of precious time.

 

Think about it.....he never married you in all that time.

 

Why is that? hmmmmmm

 

Don't waste your pretty.

[whichwayisup]

All that hard work and grieving you've done, it's all gone! It's back to square one.

 

You get what you get so be prepared for this to blow up again. You're gonna allow him to break your heart (again) and ruin what self love/self respect and self esteem you have for yourself now.

 

You two are sickly obsessed with one another and after 40 years, you two aren't together officially. Kind of says something doesn't it? I'm guessing he didn't divorce his wife during the 8 months of NC.

[freengreen]

Sigh. You proved to be a sucker for pain . Why is it hard to realise that he isnt the a part if your harley+beach dream rather he is breaking you over and over again..

[gettingstronger]

Have his circumstances changed?

[RewindRomancer]

No, his circumstances haven't changed but my attitude has.

 

I don't take myself as seriously as you guys do. ;o) I live so far away from him that a genuine PA is almost impossible. Yes, I adore him - always have. But I'm not "pining" away for any man. And, just to be clear, he spent 3 years in college following me around "adoring" me. I should have married him then but I couldn't commit - too many hot guys roaming around campus. ha!

 

So he gave up and found someone else. I rejected him, not the other way around. We never married because of MY choice.

 

Yesterday I wrote a HUGE post explaining this entire relationship. But it just got too long and convoluted, so I deleted the whole thing. I'm not "waiting for him to leave his wife." I'm pretty sure he'll get there on his own, whether I'm in the picture or not.

 

This was the 3rd disaster MM has talked me through. He's my go-to person in emergencies. I deliberated about 2 seconds before breaking NC. He stayed in constant contact with me for 2 solid days while we evacuated, even though he was managing part of the storm himself.

 

I ended up at my cousin's house for the week - 5 minutes from his home. AND GUESS WHAT. I canceled a lunch date with him at the last minute and left town. I wasn't ready to start up in person again. I'll talk to him all day long, but no intimacy unless he actually divorces. So I guess I'm in an EA with him now which suits me just fine for the moment.

Edited September 21, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
off topic ~T