Let's fix the awkward first date problem

[Shining One]

I dated online briefly, and I really don't understand how so many people meet people who misrepresent their appearance so drastically. Granted, I didnt meet that many people and I'm a woman. I don't know if that matters. Does this really happen a lot.

Everyone's experience on this will differ. It hasn't happened to me that much. I've met close to 100 women from OLD and I've been deceived five times. Others have bad luck. One of the women I went out with said she'd met over 20 men who had been deceitful with their pictures/profile info (height).

[preraph]

I don't really have strong feelings either way on this, so just playing devil's advocate: why is it someone's responsibility to minimize humiliation when the other person lied about their appearance? Everyone's entitled to their own preferences, as ridiculous as some may seem. So if a man desires a thin woman and agrees to take a woman out on the premise that she's in fact thin, why is it his responsibility to mitigate the humiliation of a situation she willfully lied about and put herself in? If the woman wanted to avoid negative backlash, she shouldn't have lied to the guy and wasted his time, no matter how egregious his desires are. If you don't like the conditions, don't agree to the date.

 

 

 

But if people were well-mannered, they wouldn't misrepresent themselves online in the first place.

 

I agree, but I think there's different levels of self-delusion with both men and women of how they perceive themselves. And let's face it, women spend tons of time faking looking good, so is it a reasonable assumption they won't do that on OLD? Also, people sometimes pick photos of themselves that are not current because they feel it captures their essence and they aren't thinking about that they've gained 20 since them. There's all kinds of reasons. On OLD, I think some smart dating service in the near future will make everyone shoot a new photo of themself to even sign in every day.

 

It's not just women who do this. I have met middle aged guys who are totally convinced they still look like they did in their 20s. It's about how people see themselves. And of course men lie about their age a lot so they can try to date younger women. No one is exempt from these problems.

 

On Loveshack I see so many people hurt and discouraged and bewildered by what happens to them on OLD, and for this topic, I just tried to isolate one particular thing that is problematic and see if we could brainstorm.

 

There's never justification to hurt someone's feelings, even if they posted a thinner photo they thought looked more like who they are. It's stupid and asking for trouble, yes, but it's nothing to be frothing mad about and hurt a woman's or man's feelings over.

[CaliforniaGirl]

I don't really have strong feelings either way on this, so just playing devil's advocate: why is it someone's responsibility to minimize humiliation when the other person lied about their appearance? Everyone's entitled to their own preferences, as ridiculous as some may seem. So if a man desires a thin woman and agrees to take a woman out on the premise that she's in fact thin, why is it his responsibility to mitigate the humiliation of a situation she willfully lied about and put herself in? If the woman wanted to avoid negative backlash, she shouldn't have lied to the guy and wasted his time, no matter how egregious his desires are. If you don't like the conditions, don't agree to the date.

 

 

 

But if people were well-mannered, they wouldn't misrepresent themselves online in the first place.

 

Because if you yourself are well-mannered, you don't bring yourself down to the level you are assuming ^ the other person is at (your negative view of her misrepresenting herself).

 

With OLD years ago, I found that men put up very old, much thinner pictures of themselves almost routinely, in my target age group (30-40-ish). Whatever. I "got" that they were embarrassed that they no longer looked the way they used to. I didn't demand an extra free drink or something or refuse to pay my half of "dutch" if I felt they hadn't held up their half of some implied visual deal or something. If THEY felt that insecure then they did. I was (am) a different person altogether. There was no need for me to grind my heel in and further the pain, and to, myself, be that negative person.

[CaliforniaGirl]

I've found meeting for ice cream is the best first OLD date. It's fun, casual, and can be cut relatively short if things aren't going well. On the other hand, if there's a good connection it's easy to extend the date to dinner or something else.

 

Ice cream is great, or froyo or coffee.

[SoleMate]

I've found meeting for ice cream is the best first OLD date.

Hmm, 400 first dates * 1000 calories per large sundae = 400,000 excess calories which would add about .....100 pounds of excess fat.

 

I think I've found out why all the OLDers are getting so overweight.

[Shining One]

Hmm, 400 first dates * 1000 calories per large sundae = 400,000 excess calories which would add about .....100 pounds of excess fat.

 

I think I've found out why all the OLDers are getting so overweight.

Just make sure you burn off all of those calories with first date dancing and sex.

[Simple Logic]

I was driving up to a restuarant the other day and a man was outside and straining to look at me in the car but then decided it wasn't who he was waiting for. I thought he might be meeting a first date, although that turned out not to be the case (he was meeting a whole group of fellow police -- it was the day of the funeral for the Little Elm officer who was killed). But it gave me an idea.

 

It has to be so awkward to be stuck sitting down and buying or receiving dinner from someone you instantly know you're not attracted to, so why not make an agreement to stand outside, weather permitting, so the other person can see you before deciding to come in and then just do a quick text if you're not going to stop. I know it sounds cold blooded, but wouldn't it be better than sitting through the meal awkwardly? Like agree to just text "Sorry, something came up" if you're not going to stay, instead of having to go through all that and spending money.

 

I mean, realistically, if the person is all about looks and in person you don't add up, being all charming isn't likely to overcome that. But if the person is open to seeing what you're like, they go ahead and park and have dinner or coffee or whatever. It seems like Skype and Facetime would have solved all these "in person" problems, but apparently it hasn't. I guess skyping can't always tell you if a guy is way too short for you or a girl is super tall -- or if someone has a tail or is concealing elf ears or whatever.

 

Any other ideas to minimize the humiliation and waste of a first meeting?

 

If I ever had a prosective date suggest I stand outside a resturant so they could see what I looked like first, I would do it. Then when they got out of their car, I would tell them to enjoy dinner and leave.

[Jj66]

Probably about 20 OLD first dates for me. One was *extremely* deceptive about her appearance. She didn't look anything like her pictures. Was it even her? She didn't get a second date.

 

Another had current pictures but lied about her age. She was 8 years older than her profile claimed. I found this out after I had pretty much fallen for her or we wouldn't be together today. I was completely gaga about the conversation, the sex, etc. Something she said at dinner didn't add up if she was how old her tinder profile said she was. I asked her point blank how old she was. She wouldn't say. The next day she sent me an email confessing her age. I had thought she was 4 years younger than me. She turned out to be 4 years older than me. I asked her why she did that. She told me it was because Tinder took her birth date from Facebook which intentionally wasn't accurate because she feared identity theft, etc. She claimed she used to have the year right but the date different and her family would get all confused when Facebook said it was her birthday when it wasn't so she changed it to the correct day and a different year. When I considered that she was very private with her other information I can actually buy the story for the most part. But she should have told me her age without me asking since the stated age was vastly different from her real age. Of course she knew it. And I'm sure intentionally much lower so she showed up in more Tinder searches. I strongly consider ending it right then but I decided to put her on "secret probation." I was on the lookout for any other deception for a long time after that. Observing her over several weeks I noticed that she wasn't an open book the way I am, but neither was she deceptive. If I asked something she'd answer. I decided to forgive the deceptive age in the Tinder profile and continue the relationship. We've been together 10 months now and things are great.

 

 

So what's the track record? 2 out of 10 About 10% with significant deception on their profiles and I actually made one of them into my gf. Yikes! Many of the women used flattering angles to de-emphasize a little extra weight but I wasn't fooled by that so I didn't really consider it deception but rather good marketing.

Edited January 27, 2017 by Jj66