Two loves in life

[EnigmaXOXO]

I do hope that my experience can be of help to anyone who is even thinking about anything remotely close to my situation.

 

I think your story helps to dispel the myth that only unhappily married people cheat. So often, it's the unsuspecting spouse who gets the blame for the affair; being accused of not meeting their partner's needs. And many betrayed spouses actually accept part of that blame believing there was something they did or didn't do to cause their partner to stray. It's emotional torture and self-sabotage for the innocent parties involved.

 

There are also many people who get involved with married folks who just as easily justify their behavior by blaming the poor unsuspecting spouse. "His wife must not be meeting his needs or he wouldn't have come to me." … Or… "If he were happy, he wouldn't cheat."

 

So not true.

 

I think a lot of people (both young and old) who are in affairs or considering getting involved in one should read your story. There are some here who need to read it TWICE.

 

I always learn a lot from other people's experiences, too. Thanks for sharing, and most importantly, seek some help for yourself before infidelity becomes an habitual escape mechanism for you that destroys every bit of hard-earned happiness you have gained…as well as making casualties of those three beautiful ladies at home who have grown to love you most.

 

You can't buy love like that, and it doesn't just fall into your lap. THAT kind of 'love' has to be earned.

[whichwayisup]

I also want to say that this girl knew about my marital status, and that I was expecting a second child. But I guess like myself

 

Yes, she did. But you're the adult, the grown man in this situation. She's 18! 18 year's old MAY think they know it all, but trust me, they don't. It isn't until later in life one looks back and thinks, 'man I didn't know much back then...' So you are in the position of control here. Not her.

 

You've struck a cord with me because of your situation. I can identify with your 18 year old lady friend.

I met a guy when I was 17, he looked quite young, I was very VERY attracted to him and he was divorced. I knew that there was no "us" and we were good friends. I knew he was interested too. Ofcourse I pushed it and flirted, so did he, and eventually it happened. Long story short, he did alot of damage to me because he allowed it to grow and grow until I had the strength to end it and walk away. Looking back now, HE KNEW BETTER!!! I should have known better. He didn't mean to lead me on, but he did.

 

So, I do hope you talk to her and MAKE her understand WHY there will be no future with you.

 

Are you going to tell your wife? Go to marriage councilling together? Or you go on your own?

[angrydragon]

Yes. And it's true. People automatically presume that something is wrong in the household. Or that men are cowards for doing something like this. I agree, most of the time that is the case. But there are instances, as in mine, where everything in life was going exceptionally well. thanks enigma for pointing that out. It doesn't absolve me from my actions. I am a good person in many ways. Though I might have strayed from my straight pah in life, this slight curve put in my life will eventually straighten out. Words of wisdom: Guys, even though life may seem better on the other side of the fence, remember the grass is already green on your side. Peace and love to all!!!

[loony]

That really was an interesting thread. Thanks for sharing your story with us, angrydragon.

[country gal]

...this friend says that every person has about 8 or 9 "boxes" (characteristics that we are looking for) that are needed in their life to be happy. When it comes to our mates, we need them to fill so many of these boxes for us (e.g. sense of humor, passion, love of nature, whatever). No one person can fill all of these, which will alway then leave a few empty for others to fill, which can usually (and safely) be done by family and friends. However, its also easy for another attractive person to come along that has those characteristics that our current person is lacking. When that happens it becomes very easy for us to have our heads turned, if you know what i'm saying, and then trouble may ensue.

(it also makes it easy to be confused b/c that person all of a sudden seems so much better than what we have but in reality, they are very likely lacking in so many of areas, "boxes" taht our current person fulfills)

 

in short, you need to figure out what it is that this (very young) lady has that your wife is not offering you and you need to figure out a better way to fulfill that need. i hope that helps.

[Coffeemaniac]

Originally posted by angrydragon

I guess I am a little confused as to why she showed up in my life at this stage. I think she is a wonderful person and have fallen head over heals for her, likewise for her as well. But, As I said I am married.

 

After a bitter divorce, I swore that I would enjoy "dating around" without getting tied down in any kind of committed relationship which I did for quite a while until I found myself having very strong feelings for two different men. I mean STRONG FEELINGS for both - way more than I had ever felt for my ex-husband...

I stopped dating around except for these two men. Although I hadn't made a commitment to either one, it seemed like they had each assumed himself the only man in my life. Anytime I was with either one of them, I had a feeling of being in another universe. It was intoxicating.

Unfortunately, when I was alone with myself, I was in utter turmoil. I became very depressed and constantly anxious and confused...

I decided that what I needed was to be alone for a while - no dating, no sleep-overs, no late night phone conversations, nothing... I broke it off with both of them and really took care of myself for a while. Meditating, excersising, eating right, journaling and remembering myself and focusing on the things I want and need out of life... Eventually, one of the beautiful gentleman moved on to another relationship and we have remained good friends. The other beautiful gentleman waited out my emotional crisis, which I eventually confessed to him the whole situation. He was very understanding, a little overwhelmed and totally accepting. He never discounted my feelings, or made me feel ashamed. He told me that he loved me and would support me in whatever I needed to do. Needless to say, we are married now for almost ten years. I could have never married him without being totally honest about what had happened

About five years ago, I came across this article (I wish I'd held onto it) about allowing ourselves to fall in love with anyone we want. Not acting on it in any way, but feeling the feelings that we interpret as love... It really struck a cord with me. Although most of my friends think it's crap. LOL. For me, it's real.

Funny, I just posted on another thread that I ran into my high school sweetheart and how it brought up all kinds of emotions and I kind of freaked out a little... I guess I'm just like that:)

Anyway, I know you're already married and the situation is very different. I don't have any advice for you, I just wanted to share my experience and tell you that I don't think you're crazy.

**Good thoughts for you**

And I hope that you can remember who you are

[Coffeemaniac]

Originally posted by New_Wife

Holy Midlife Crisis Batman!

 

My friend, RUN to a counselor post haste and see if you can't save yourself & your family.

 

SoulMate is a made-up term, in my opinion. Too damn many people use it as a fairy tale excuse to behave like morons. Love is not about "feeling wonderful" or swept away or butterflies or any other insects in your belly. Love is hard work. Love sucks sometimes, requires committment, dedication, and self-sacrifice.

 

And the "it just happened" defense - c'mon. You don't really belive that, right? You know you weren't making a tight pickle play between second and third when "whoops" your wankie just fell into the baserunner, and heck if you weren't having an affair. "it just happened" is a car wreck, plane toilets landing in your yard, and a pimple. Things you CANNOT control or expect. Unless this CHILD raped you, you had control.

 

I don't know what you came to this sight looking for - but here's what I offer: You need to get counseling, and take 100% responsibility for your own actions and their consequences right now. No fickle hand of fate, harlequen novel ill-fated lovers BS - but real life: mortgage, wrinkles, diapers, carpool, dirty toilet LIFE and your part in it.

 

Good luck.

 

Very few people on here, in your situation, seem to want to do that - just seek justification and "bravo" for their crappy actions. I hope you're different.

 

this is very funny and I can appreciate the truth in it... I'm a die-hard romantic, but I just wanted to add my agreement with getting counsel/therapy.

[angrydragon]

Thanks to all of you who continued to rely. I had a long weekend. Didn't touch my pc through it. So I apologize for delay in replying. Thanks loony for reading my thread. I know I did something wrong, but in the beginning it had felt so right. I guess I was just as confused as to why this was happening, or why I allowed it to. Truth is, I do miss the other girl, but I have come to realize that I probably will from now on. My place is at home, with my wife and kids. Country gal, that was an interesting way of putting it, yet quite truthful. I guess I did have some kind of empty box within me. And this girl pretty much wrapped herself in it, because when that box was opened, I was like WOW! Coffeemaniac, thanks for your input and sharing your story with me. Lika I have said before, you have all been truly sympathetic with me. I asked for honest opinions, and got nothing but that. And it REALLY has helped me in making my decision. Thanks to all, and if I ever need advice again, I will definitely post!!! Likewise to all of you out there...