Low sex partner in affair. Fresh d-day

[understand50]

Overtaxed,

 

First, it is a good thing that you are reading, thinking and trying to process all of this. I think you will find, later that in some way this goes on forever. I do think you need to decide if you are really going to reconcile, and then ask her if she is in as well. I think you are leaning that way, but divorce pop's up from time to time. The reason I suggest this, is if your path is set, you can plan and execute accordingly. BTW, if later more information come available, you can still switch. Divorce is never off the table, but you need to put your energy in one area.

 

It looks like your wife has serious issues that need to be addressed. I know it is painful, but both you going into MC and talking this out will help. Why this happened and why is more important then the "Sex" part. Getting to the bottom will be what you are interested in. I think, along with several other WW's on LS, she was taken advanage of. This does not excuse her actions, but one question to ask, if the OM had not been involved with her, would this had happened? Why was she vulnerable to this? I own believe, is after this, the odds of her repeating are low. In many ways you need to approach this, as a detective story, one where she may not know why herself and will need to find out with you as well.

 

One of the many things I think many discount on LS, is even with the worst WS, the BS still has love for them. This is why it is so painful and hurts as it does. I know you love her, even if you divorce her in the end, both of you finding the answers will help, and maybe be the last loving thing you can do for her. Compassion, can be hard here, but having it and trying to understand and working for what is best for both, can have real rewards, If you reconcile, you both understand yourself s better and how this came to be. If you divorce, you can leave aside much of the bitterness that can and will flow from it.

 

So, if you are going to give her the gift of a second chance, lay out what you expect, and what you need, and also ask her what she needs going forward. Reconciliation only works if it is a two way street, and while the WS has most of the work, you will have your share. I think in your case, more then most. In my first post to you I give you two links that should give you an idea and a baseline, and they are also things that should help your wife.

 

I wish you luck......

[Overtaxed]

I think you miss understood me. I was asking was this the situation pre affair.

In other words if you had been the one cheating was she still per your pre nup not entitled to half?

I was just trying to understand the dynamics of your relationship.

I'm a betrayed spouse so I wasn't trying to make excuses for her

 

No, she was not entitled to 1/2 per our prenup. The prenup defines marital property (house) and individual property (stock accounts, 401K's, etc). If she had walked before this happened, she would have gotten 1/2 of the things that we built together and none of the individual assets.

[Overtaxed]

Overtaxed,

 

First, it is a good thing that you are reading, thinking and trying to process all of this. I think you will find, later that in some way this goes on forever. I do think you need to decide if you are really going to reconcile, and then ask her if she is in as well. I think you are leaning that way, but divorce pop's up from time to time. The reason I suggest this, is if your path is set, you can plan and execute accordingly. BTW, if later more information come available, you can still switch. Divorce is never off the table, but you need to put your energy in one area.

 

It looks like your wife has serious issues that need to be addressed. I know it is painful, but both you going into MC and talking this out will help. Why this happened and why is more important then the "Sex" part. Getting to the bottom will be what you are interested in. I think, along with several other WW's on LS, she was taken advanage of. This does not excuse her actions, but one question to ask, if the OM had not been involved with her, would this had happened? Why was she vulnerable to this? I own believe, is after this, the odds of her repeating are low. In many ways you need to approach this, as a detective story, one where she may not know why herself and will need to find out with you as well.

 

 

No, I do not think she was seeking an affair, and, no, if the OM was not in the picture, this would not have happened (IMHO). The gift of clarity from the txts/e-mails I got made the story pretty clear, the OM pursued her with clear intent from the get go. Her horrible mistake was not disclosing and allowing it to get where it did. But if we're laying fault for "starting it", that's more with him than with my wife (however, that's true of most male/female relationships). There was a power dynamic there (former superior at work, spiritual leader in WW's eyes, etc) that he used to gain her trust. As I said in my intro post, there was a lot of Bible twisting in the messages "God want's this for us; God needs us to be together; This is God's plan, etc" from the OM to my wife. Let me tell you, reading that was the stuff that pushed me from a dull shock to searing anger; the abuse of power/position and God's name.. I just didn't know people could/would do that for sex, I really didn't.

 

She was venerable to this for a few reasons. Our marriage was struggling (not "dead", but we were in a rough patch). I'd forsaken my interest in God so she was looking for spiritual leadership. She'd asked for more space in the relationship and I'd given it to her (the affair started after she'd asked, but she may have asked for that to have more time with the AP) which I think she interpreted as "he doesn't care". And we'd openly discussed divorce (during the affair) and I'd had a cold/detached persona about it; "Do what you need to do" because I truly thought she was moving further away from me and there was nothing I could do to fix it (of course, it's because of the affair mostly, of course she was moving away).

 

Sadly, and others said it better than I will, I think the "serious issue" is the kid thing. I think it broke her spirit that I wasn't willing to try harder and she just "gave up" on feeling, gave up on trying to save our relationship and was using the affair as an escape, both from her everyday life as well as the marriage. The AP was, in many ways, the polar opposite of me, a family man, a professed man of God, a man "in touch with his feelings", a man who wanted to read her poetry instead of get her in bed. Now, of course.. This is pick up 101, and sadly, she bought it and fell for it hard. But, it's very different than what I presented as in the relationship. Someone else talked about the alpha/beta split. If anything, I think my wife needed more beta, she felt/feels that I run everything and control her. And she found that with another man; not the typical story at all, but I think it fits.

[Overtaxed]

Expect the worst has already happened, the onus is on her to prove otherwise. Second chances are earned and should never be expected, make her do the work to win you back. If she is unable or unwilling to do what is necessary then finish what she started with her affair, set her free so you can move on with your life. You deserve a hell of a lot better then a part time wife with a boyfriend.

 

One other point, bringing another man into your bed is the lowest form of respect one spouse can show another. She has some hate and you need to find out why.

 

I agree (although it wasn't our bed, it was however our house which is 99% as bad IMHO). The way she acted, the things she did, she's so filled with a rage that I've never seen in her before I just don't know how to react to it.

[BuddyX]

I'm going to quote other LS members just to prove your wife is not a snowflake or special. And no, God had nothing to do with this. If she ever brings up god in regards to R, walk. Actually run away.

 

Quotes

 

"My marriage was having problems - the answer is in another mans pants."

 

"Remember that your value to her is the security and stability you provide. That’s why she wants you back. You didn’t suddenly become hot to her and she didn’t suddenly discover how much she loves you."

[Just a Guy]

Hi Overtaxed, I have read through your whole thread and while I am really sorry that you have had to visit this board to pour out your heart about something so traumatic and sudden you would have found that the good folk here are sympathetic towards you and have a lot of good advice to offer you precisely because many of them have been where you find yourself today. In going through your posts I noticed a few things that I wish to query you on if you would be willing to answer them. The first is why did you think it necessary to go in for a prenup when according to you your wife was the only woman that you found suitable as a wife from among the many that you were dating at the time? Did you have a premonition that things would go south in your marriage for any particular reason or was it just a measure of abundant caution?

 

The other thing I find a bit quizzical is that you and your wife could not be more different in your traits. While you are an atheist(self proclaimed) she is religious and comes from a religious family, then you are highly sexual whereas she is indifferent about it and this fact was known to you when you were dating her. Thirdly, she is fixated on having a child/children whereas you are quite sure you do not want any. Also, intellectually and emotionally there is a big divide between the two of you. You are logical and in control of of your emotions to the the point of being cold and calculating whereas she is definitely much more emotional as witness her EA and PA. All these difference s would have been obvious to both of you when you were dating and yet you two chose each other! It baffles the mind as to how you two did decide to tie the knot unless you were conforming to the much touted rule that opposites attract each other. However, even if this were true there would have to be some overriding factor which trumped(No play on your new President's name) all these others, and drew you two together. So what was this factor if there was one? My own assessment is that probably both of you were incompatible from the start but this factor remained dormant till your wife's AP came along and acted like the proverbial catalyst and woke the sleeping princess.

 

Some folks have suggested that your wife is no longer "In love" with you. I have never understood this concept as it goes with 'I love you but am not in love with you'. However assuming it is a real emotive factor then the best is to gently ease her out of your life and let her find the future father of her children. From all that I have read here from your posts and those of others it seems that you are moving in that direction and your wife is helping you along by not coming fully out of her affair fog and not showing any remorse. I think in her mind she is already divorced from you but does not want to divorce you in real life as it would affect her lifestyle and standard of living. I had a suggestion although you may consider it a little harsh. Tell your wife to inform her psychiatrist/psychologist that you would initiate divorce proceedings if your wife follows the advice given to separate for a month or so and go away by herself to mull things over. Also tell her to inform the Doc that if this sex denial thing goes on for very much longer it will result in the same step to be taken by you. After that wait and see if the Doc modifies her advice.

 

In reading your post I was reminded of another poster by the name of Zinger whose wife also came into his life at a time when he was at a loose end. She was a pillar of strength for him and helped him back into mainstream life and he eventually went on to become very successful and wealthy. Sadly his wife pulled the same trick and he ended up divorcing her. He was very much like you in temperament and thought the world of his wife. He had in fact, more or less cut himself off from his family and she was the one who was the link and who provided the healing touch. After her infidelity was revealed to all, his family supported her and put a lot of pressure on Zinger to reconcile with her. He, of course, refused and after the divorce he has now moved to the US from Europe where he used to live. It may be worth reading his story especially for how he handled the whole sordid affair. Hope this helps. Warm wishes.

[Cephalopod]

I can see why. Prepare myself? Yeah, if only I knew how!

 

Man, I'll tell you what, should this be the end for us, I've learned a very valuable lesson here. Be the AP, not the loyal spouse. <sigh>

 

She did do things with him that were off limits to you. Just accept it. This is one of the reasons I ditched my exWW with no qualms.

[ShatteredLady]

I'm sorry. Your wife sounds very much like my aunt & cousin. She was looking for some kind of guidance & she's incredibly easily manipulated - It's NOT the affair that I'm focusing on - it's (in my opinion) the cloud loopy shrink that she's seeing!! How long has she been listening to this 'runaway from life for a month or 2 to 'find yourself' nonsense?

 

My upper-middle class cousin was sexually abused by her highly respected stepfather for her teenage years (11-18). It was horrifying when she disclosed. Her mother turned into 'Mama Bear', kicked her husband out & called the police. He took his own life adding yet another nightmare layer.

 

They were broken but dealing UNTIL Mrs Poop Psycologist entered the picture. They were both incredibly vulnerable. My cousin was convinced that it wasn't horror it was 'lost love' & gaining sexual experiences would help! My aunt was assured that her pain & rage was misdirected. Her daughter was the OTHER WOMAN, the mistress & my aunt should view her as such. The stepfather was dead so she needed a 'living target' to work through her agony on!!

 

Fast forward 25 years & it's still a complete mess!! It was a situation where no therapy would of actually been better.

 

The more you explain, the more it seems like religion & medical titles have been used to twist your wife's brain at an incredibly vulnerable time in her life. Can you discuss this with a doctor to get a recommendation to a qualified, experienced, 'normal' psychiatrist?

 

It appears that your wife has already done way to much 'running away into fantasy land' to find her special snowflake uniqueness already & its led to this nightmare!! Avoiding the real world & YOU, her devastated husband, is the worst advise I've ever heard! She needs a prescription for a heavy dose of reality, facing HER choices & actions, the ramifications of the selfish & cruel adultery which she WILLINGLY participated in.

 

ALL marriages ebb & flow. We all experience very hard times. Sadly your wife has been manipulated & encouraged to shut off from her empathy & morals in pursuit of 'finding her inner self'. Ugh!!

 

Whatever your final choice, divorce or reconciliation, I hope that you get her away from this kind of 'mentor' in her life.

[Cephalopod]

I agree (although it wasn't our bed, it was however our house which is 99% as bad IMHO). The way she acted, the things she did, she's so filled with a rage that I've never seen in her before I just don't know how to react to it.

 

180.

 

180.

 

180

 

Treat her like you would the checkout lady at the market. Refuse to engage her tantrums. Just walk away.

[Jersey born raised]

Why are you allowing MOM to continue presenting himself to the community at large as a spiritual leader ? Would you allow a person who is not a doctor to practice surgery?

 

All this forgive and move on is fine put it skips several steps. Acceptance of and Acknowledgment of personal responsibility (which includes recognizing their personal flaws/chacter that allowed it to happen). Addressing their personal responsibility by developing new habits, nurturing and strengthening this new personal growth over a sustained period of time. Then the term redemption may be used and a person readmitted fully into a community.

 

Until these first steps are complete all that occurs is setting up another person to be harmed. This guy could have been a friend of your marriage, he choose to harm it. This guy could have helped your wife to understand that using fiath to hide from her sexuallity was wrong. That if she was using her faith in this manner while in a marriage was wrong. That instead she needed to discover and be honest why she denied her sexuality.

 

I in no way see your wife as the victim. Both of them chose to commit adultery. They both have absolute responsibly. Two persons rape a third. One holds the victim down while the second rapes them. Is one less guilty?

[Overtaxed]

@JustAGuy

 

Sure thing, talking is helping, so I'm happy to answer the questions, takes my mind of the current situation and let's me think back and reflect on how I got to where I am today.

 

The prenup. A few reasons, none of which really had anything to do with my wife, much more my upbringing. My family has very low trust in people, and they are "numbers driven", spent their entire lives making a lot of money and instilled in me, at a very young age, to always "trust a good contract over a good story". Never intended to use it, but gave me peace that my wife couldn't hit the eject button without some consequences to her lifestyle. Who knows, maybe that's the only thing keeping us together right now and making her willing to try to R; if so, I hope I can recognize it and get out of this relationship. I never wanted her to be with me for money, I just never wanted her to take the money from me either. But, direct answer, no, I never thought we'd get divorced, never in a million years. I said in my intro, if we do D, our friends/family are going to be beyond shocked. We're the "perfect couple" in most people's eyes, and that's not looking at it with rose colored glasses, it just is what it is. People have always told me, "I wish we had what you 2 have".

 

What drew/draws us together? That's a very interesting question; as you point out, we have a lot of very different traits. But we do have some overlap; we're both very athletic/active, we're both very driven, we both love animals, we both love the outdoors. We have more common interests than uncommon, but, we do have different world views, that's for sure. The discussion about children was always on the table, from 6 months into our relationship forward. I knew I had reproductive issues as did she. I never "hid" that I was at best ambivalent about children, at worst, openly opposed. We had this discussion dozens of time throughout our relationship, always sharing different viewpoints and always having deep conversations, but neither of us ever moved entirely to the other person's point of view. I viewed it as "agree to disagree" but, obviously, that was a terrible mistake and a glossing over of how important this was to her.

 

If we were always incompatible, I struggle to even imagine what a compatible relationship would be like. Look, I'm giving you guys the worst of her (and of me), that's a very small part of the "story of us". We've had more fun, more laughter, more special times together over the years than I think most couples do over a lifetime. Yes, we've had disagreements, but we've never had a real "fight", we've never yelled at one another, we've never hit each other. Neither of us drinks, neither of us is a spendthrift. We both have a lot of positive qualities; which, I guess is my way of saying, I'm not trying to save a relationship that was s**t because I see no other options. I'm trying to save the best relationship I've ever seen between 2 people in my 40 years on this planet.

 

We are still having sex, but, yeah, the doc either has to go, or has to start to give advice that lines up with what I've read in the 10+ affair recovery books and guides I've been through over the past weeks. All of them say, reestablish sex when the injured partner is ready. Take it slow and let them lead the pace. Especially given that it was always a point of contention in our relationship; I just can't fathom why the doc wants her not to do it and to go on a sabbatical. Doesn't make sense to me unless she thinks I'm toxic and this is her way of getting my wife away from me (who knows what my W told her about me).

[Overtaxed]

Why are you allowing MOM to continue presenting himself to the community at large as a spiritual leader ? Would you allow a person who is not a doctor to practice surgery?

 

All this forgive and move on is fine put it skips several steps. Acceptance of and Acknowledgment of personal responsibility (which includes recognizing their personal flaws/chacter that allowed it to happen). Addressing their personal responsibility by developing new habits, nurturing and strengthening this new personal growth over a sustained period of time. Then the term redemption may be used and a person readmitted fully into a community.

 

Until these first steps are complete all that occurs is setting up another person to be harmed. This guy could have been a friend of your marriage, he choose to harm it. This guy could have helped your wife to understand that using fiath to hide from her sexuallity was wrong. That if she was using her faith in this manner while in a marriage was wrong. That instead she needed to discover and be honest why she denied her sexuality.

 

I in no way see your wife as the victim. Both of them chose to commit adultery. They both have absolute responsibly. Two persons rape a third. One holds the victim down while the second rapes them. Is one less guilty?

 

Well, that's actually all come crashing down anyway, the AP's wife found out (not from me) and is currently in the process of destroying his life. So, I suppose good outcome, I feel no guilt/remorse for doing it and he's still getting some punishment. I struggled with that decision mightily, I really did want to disclose, but I thought that disclosure would greatly damage his family. So I kept my mouth shut. But it was a sign of relief when his wife reached out and told me she knew (she saw the NC letter).

 

I know she's not a victim in my mind. But it's hard to get that into my heart. I see in my reading here that this is "typical" and part of the process, but it's hard to tear her off the pedestal that I put her on. And there's no way to spin things to make it more her fault than the OM, he was clearly the pursuer and clearly twisted her mind (thank God I was able to see the messages, they hurt like h*ll, but I don't have to wonder nearly as much what actually happened).

 

There has been no "forgiveness" yet. I need to know what I'm forgiving (disclosure) and I need her to show real remorse for what she's done. She's given me some of the story and some remorse. If both of those things don't happen, I will move on.

[Jersey born raised]

To focus on your marriage going forward first: If attempting to have children is so important to her to cause her to become vulnerable to adultery you need to address it. Why should you keep her in a marriage that denies her something so important? She needs to asks herself why she should keep you in a marriage that denies one of the most important part of a whole life.

 

A secondary issue: she could have gone to a sperm bank and continued on with IVF. She could have had sex only when ovulating. She didn't why? What else caused the hyper sexuality? Did she use her sexuality to hurt you? Number one reason giving by women at one time to get back at a SO for cheating/adultery. They would target a male for no other reason then to cause her SO personal humiliation. Targets would include close friends or males that the SO felt inferior to.

[harrybrown]

why don't you try affair recovery.com?

 

find them online.

 

your wife is not in love with you right now. she is love with the OM.

 

you need to wake her up with the divorce decree / have her write a timeline and diary of the A for you/ have her get tested for stds/

 

She had him over to your house/ she does not respect you/ she is still in love with the OM/

 

She is not remorseful/ ask her what she would do if you had the A/

then show her you still have your balls and she needs to respect you more than the OM.

 

She is still trying to protect the OM and does not care that she hurt you. If you sweep this under the rug, she will do this again. you are finding out the real person. (selfish and no remorse or love for you)

[Overtaxed]

I'm sorry. Your wife sounds very much like my aunt & cousin. She was looking for some kind of guidance & she's incredibly easily manipulated - It's NOT the affair that I'm focusing on - it's (in my opinion) the cloud loopy shrink that she's seeing!! How long has she been listening to this 'runaway from life for a month or 2 to 'find yourself' nonsense?

 

The more you explain, the more it seems like religion & medical titles have been used to twist your wife's brain at an incredibly vulnerable time in her life. Can you discuss this with a doctor to get a recommendation to a qualified, experienced, 'normal' psychiatrist?

 

It appears that your wife has already done way to much 'running away into fantasy land' to find her special snowflake uniqueness already & its led to this nightmare!! Avoiding the real world & YOU, her devastated husband, is the worst advise I've ever heard! She needs a prescription for a heavy dose of reality, facing HER choices & actions, the ramifications of the selfish & cruel adultery which she WILLINGLY participated in.

 

ALL marriages ebb & flow. We all experience very hard times. Sadly your wife has been manipulated & encouraged to shut off from her empathy & morals in pursuit of 'finding her inner self'. Ugh!!

 

Whatever your final choice, divorce or reconciliation, I hope that you get her away from this kind of 'mentor' in her life.

 

Well, one "mentor" is gone (AP). And I think he's been exposed for what he is in my wife's eyes, his spouse gave me "his version" of events which I happily shared with my wife. To say it was a complete work of fiction would be untrue, but, I could see as I showed it to her, she realized that she meant nothing at all to this man and was being manipulated and played. She was naive to the depths people (men mostly) will go for sex, s**ting all over his professed morals and the Bible to get what he wanted. I think this has opened her eyes.

 

As to the loopy shrink. You know what? Just thinking out loud here, but she's been seeing her for about 6 months or so now. Which, doing a little math.. Now, of course, no shrink is crazy enough to say "You need to have an affair" but; I'm 100% convinced that she's been telling my wife "You need to do something just for you" (because she's still telling her that!!). I'm not going to shift too much blame here, but I have a feeling this shrink is doing me no favors. I mean, the no sex thing was a big "WTF?!", but then the "run away to the woods for a few months" during the last session.. Ugh, what? How about "do what you can to help your husband heal" or "spend time doing things together that you both enjoy". I mean, no, it's not all about me and I'm willing to do hard work to fix this; but, come on. I'm seeing my IC for the first time on Monday, and I'm tempted (but won't) to tell my wife that he suggested I sleep with a few different women over the next month to make sure I really was committed to the relationship. Because I feel like that's about what her IC is asking me to endure here.

 

It appears that your wife has already done way to much 'running away into fantasy land' to find her special snowflake uniqueness already & its led to this nightmare!!

 

I could not agree more. I actually said as much to her after the sabbatical was discussed. She told me she needed more space and time to find herself and work things out (about 6-8 months ago). I gave that to her and... Well, we know exactly what happened, someone else came in and she was easily led (and followed, got to be careful not to shift too much blame) down a path that could literally blow her entire life up. Perhaps more of "that" isn't exactly the best prescription?

[Overtaxed]

To focus on your marriage going forward first: If attempting to have children is so important to her to cause her to become vulnerable to adultery you need to address it. Why should you keep her in a marriage that denies her something so important? She needs to asks herself why she should keep you in a marriage that denies one of the most important part of a whole life.

 

A secondary issue: she could have gone to a sperm bank and continued on with IVF. She could have had sex only when ovulating. She didn't why? What else caused the hyper sexuality? Did she use her sexuality to hurt you? Number one reason giving by women at one time to get back at a SO for cheating/adultery. They would target a male for no other reason then to cause her SO personal humiliation. Targets would include close friends or males that the SO felt inferior to.

 

I honestly don't know why. As I mentioned, even if they didn't use protection, the AP has had a vasectomy. He's more sterile than I am. If anything this was more "getting back at me" than it was a cry to get pregnant from another man.

 

Here's the thing; the cold/hard reality of the matter, even with IVF and an unlimited budget, it's just not likely to happen (with me or with anyone else; I do have sperm, just a low count, which doesn't matter that much for IVF). So, your answer to "why keep her and deny her something so important"? She's not going to get it in or out of this marriage the marriage is not the reason she can't get pregnant. However, that does not mean that's not how she sees it, I think it's very likely she blames me for the low count and feels she could do it with someone else. Statistics, however, are a cruel mistress, yes, it's "possible". But it's a very, very slim chance. So in my mind, right or wrong, I'm not keeping her from something because she's not going to get it either way. I made the joke earlier and I'll make it again so inject some humor into this nightmare. It's like I woke up and decided I wanted to date an 18 year old supermodel. Well, sure, I can throw my marriage away and go off on the quest to find said supermodel. But, reality is, I'm not going to find her and I'll be looking back in 5 years thinking "What have I done". And that's what I struggle with, the reality of the matter (both the affair and the having children discussion) just don't seem to be "sinking in". It's still fresh, so perhaps time is the answer. Also, per my previous post, perhaps getting a less bats**t crazy therapist won't hurt either.

[Bufo]

This post isn't a hijack attempt, but rather to raise an issue that has escaped my attempts to locate it in the many good posts here.

 

You have referred to the prenuptial agreement as being greatly in your favor. However, I have not seen that you have consulted with counsel about its current status and effectiveness under the laws of your state and in the eyes if local judges.

 

Judicial decisions can alter laws. Think about the recent Supreme Court decision concern same sex marriage for example. While your prenup may have been wholly valid when it was signed, an appellate court can rule in some case involving people you never heard of that prenups have enforcement limits. In other words, judicially create loopholes large enough to fly a 747 through.

 

You owe it to yourself as a rational decision-maker to consult with counsel about the enforceability of your prenup. And while you are in the law office, get a good idea of divorce process and results so there are fewer surprises should divorce be filed. Knowledge is power as the old saying goes.

 

Finally, consider what you have been told here by the BTDT vets. Affairs do not

happen by accident. They are the result of deliberate choices absent drugging or hypnosis. And you cannot reconcile with an unremorseful wife. Absent D or R, you will remain in Limbo.

[Overtaxed]

This post isn't a hijack attempt, but rather to raise an issue that has escaped my attempts to locate it in the many good posts here.

 

You have referred to the prenuptial agreement as being greatly in your favor. However, I have not seen that you have consulted with counsel about its current status and effectiveness under the laws of your state and in the eyes if local judges.

 

Judicial decisions can alter laws. Think about the recent Supreme Court decision concern same sex marriage for example. While your prenup may have been wholly valid when it was signed, an appellate court can rule in some case involving people you never heard of that prenups have enforcement limits. In other words, judicially create loopholes large enough to fly a 747 through.

 

You owe it to yourself as a rational decision-maker to consult with counsel about the enforceability of your prenup. And while you are in the law office, get a good idea of divorce process and results so there are fewer surprises should divorce be filed. Knowledge is power as the old saying goes.

 

Finally, consider what you have been told here by the BTDT vets. Affairs do not

happen by accident. They are the result of deliberate choices absent drugging or hypnosis. And you cannot reconcile with an unremorseful wife. Absent D or R, you will remain in Limbo.

 

I don't have concerns about the pre-nup. It was drafted by some of the best in the state, it's very straightforward and, frankly, I don't think my WW would fight it. I appreciate the comment, but this is not a major issue for me right now. Should I decide D is the right answer, then I'll start to examine it more. But it was never about money for me, if I want a D, I'm going to get it, prenup or not. Same in the other direction, no way I'm staying just to avoid some financial loss. I'll make more.

[aliveagain]

Definitely attend one of her sessions with her shrink and assess her ability. You might even ask her shrink if she gave your wife advice that led to her being unfaithful. If you don't like her, fire her. The same holds true for your wife. Set a date and if she hasn't convinced you by that date that she is worth being married to, fire her and pay her out as per your prenuptial agreement. I would never marry again without a bullet proof prenuptial agreement, I just have too much wealth to loose. As long as we love each other she has nothing to fear, her life will be carefree and she will get to enjoy the fruits of my years of labour.

 

Has it hit her yet what she stands to loose? Have you discussed the prenuptial agreement since she has been busted? The POS holy man should be reported to his superiors not because of revenge but because other wives are at risk. Every husband in his church district needs to be warned the same way they warn neighbours about pedophiles.

[Try]

I don't have concerns about the pre-nup. It was drafted by some of the best in the state, it's very straightforward and, frankly, I don't think my WW would fight it.

First, it does not matter how well it was drafted. In many states, the longer you are married the weaker a prenuptial gets. You need to know in making this decision if by giving her a second chance if those few years will matter if you later do decide to divorce. I have a friend that learned that by delaying the divorce from his cheating wife for a few years, by the time that he did file he had pasted that states unofficial experation date on prenuptials (10 years). As for the wife not fighting the prenuptials, many cheating wives feel far less guilty about the affair with the passage of time since to them it has become ancient history, and will fight tooth and nail in the divorce.

 

Your old marriage is dead and so is the person that you knew as your wife. Divorce her now and date her if you wish. You can still agree to be exclusive if you wish. If she earns yours trust and you decide to marry her again, it will be a fresh start in a new marriage to the person that she currently is, with a fresh reset on the prenuptial clock.

[Chaparral]

I'm trying. And failing miserably. There's just no logic that applies here; honestly, I might feel better if I found out this was a string of affairs for the past 10 years, because, at least then, I'd know, she has to go. But logic tells me that the years we spent together before this happened aren't all a lie, nobody is good enough to wear a "mask" for that long. I just don't know what to think; she's obviously NOT the person I thought she was. But how do you square that with the years of good deeds she's done, was it all an act? These are the fundamental questions I'm struggling with. Well, that and the sick feeling I get whenever I picture them together sexually, that's a pretty fundamental problem too.

 

You would be surprised how many men have found their wives either had numerous affairs or one long term affair over many many years and they never had a clue.

 

She is not your best friend, friends of any category do not stab you in the back many times over a period of time.

 

I will bet money the psych did not tell her to not have sex with you. Never heard that one, just the opposite in fact. Women usually cut back or cut off their man when the affair is about love and not just kicks and giggles. Looks like she is still being faithful to her other man.

 

She doesn't love you. She wouldn't do what she did. If she loved you she would be begging your forgiveness and doing everything in her power to make amends. Instead she's stalling. How do you know they are t still communicating?

 

How did you catch her? What are you doing to monitor her now? Are you using a VAR to find out who and what she is talking to and what she is talking about?

 

You also need IC. You've been through major trauma. On top of that your fear of having children is bordering on bizarre.

 

Your philosophy and her religion are diametrically opposed. I am wondering if that has a lot to do with this. In her mind, while,as a Christian, she will go to heaven, you will go to hell. Most folks strive to be in heaven together after death. You ignore this at your peril.

 

Good luck

Edited January 22, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Bufo]

Try is right. It doesn't matter if your prenup was brought down from Mt Sinai on stone tablets and written by Moses himself. It's only as good as what current state law and your local judge says it is.

 

If the financial aspects of D are irrelevant to your decision process then ignore what I had to say. I just didn't see any downside in a lawyer consult.

[Chaparral]

...anyway, I DO NOT believe that she did this to have a child. She doesn't want HIS child. What's being suggested is, the desperate want & need for a child created the mental condition for her to be more vulnerable to persuing the escapism of an affair.

 

I believe she would have welcomed getting pregnant. She is that desperate. As a matter of fact, staying with Overtaxed virtually assures her of being barren. She used a condom? Seriously? Who believes that?

 

Actually, OP has given no details of the affair and that would help.

[Mr. Lucky]

I believe she would have welcomed getting pregnant. She is that desperate.

 

The OP said this:

 

As I mentioned, even if they didn't use protection, the AP has had a vasectomy. He's more sterile than I am. If anything this was more "getting back at me" than it was a cry to get pregnant from another man.

 

Overtaxed, what good would it do to put in all the hard work involved in reconciliation only to get back into a marriage where the partners disagree on something as fundamental as children? Seems you'd be trading one type of unhappiness for another...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Overtaxed]

Holy crap! Wow, thank you so much everyone for the responses. That'll teach me to go work out, now I have a million different posts to try and address and learn from!

 

Let's start with one thing. Let's drop talk of the prenup. Even if it's invalid, my wife believes it is (valid) and, frankly, I can afford to lose the money. It's not a concern one way or the other, I just don't care. If she has to go, she has to go and she'll probably leave a much poorer woman than she was with me. Let's just accept that as a given because it's not a major factor in the discussion either way.

 

On top of that your fear of having children is bordering on bizarre.

 

I wanted to start here because, frankly, this situation is EXACTLY the reason I have such a fear of having children. If we had children right now? Wow, I just can't imagine. Forget the financial turmoil that would cause me for the next X number of years (child support), the emotional turmoil would be unthinkable. I don't know where some of you found the strength to either forgive or leave when children are involved. But, simply put, this IS the reason I'm afraid of children, you can't control another person's actions and those actions can destroy your child's life through no fault of your own. There are other hangups as well, but, let's just leave it at "I'm afraid of having them, my wife has known it for years; long before we were married and accepted it".

 

Actually, OP has given no details of the affair and that would help.

 

I haven't given details because, frankly, I don't have a reasonable story to share yet. There was sex ~6 times, at least once in our home and sometimes in hotels. Typically happened when I was away on business. Was about 2 months long (the physical part), 4 months from the date it turned inappropriate (emotionally speaking).

 

I believe she would have welcomed getting pregnant. She is that desperate. As a matter of fact, staying with Overtaxed virtually assures her of being barren. She used a condom? Seriously? Who believes that?

 

The AP is sterile. As to the 2nd part, yeah.. I'm having trouble with that one myself.

 

I will bet money the psych did not tell her to not have sex with you. Never heard that one, just the opposite in fact. Women usually cut back or cut off their man when the affair is about love and not just kicks and giggles. Looks like she is still being faithful to her other man.

 

I would agree with you, but when I told her I was coming to the next session, she was completely unconcerned and didn't backtrack the statement a bit. We'll see if that session happens, but I'm going to press it hard to figure out what's really going on here. I think the shrink might be trying to push us apart because my wife has made me a monster in her eyes. BTW, the shrink did not know about the affair until after D-day (supposedly anyway).

 

You also need IC. You've been through major trauma.

 

I'm starting on Monday.

 

How did you catch her? What are you doing to monitor her now? Are you using a VAR to find out who and what she is talking to and what she is talking about?

 

E-mails/IM's. I work in IT. Let's put it this way, if they communicate, I'll know. And the AP's wife is also armed with the best in electronic tech that I got for her. I can't keep them apart, but I can sure as hell not be taken for a fool again.

 

Has it hit her yet what she stands to loose? Have you discussed the prenuptial agreement since she has been busted?

 

I honestly don't think so. She's always been pretty uninformed about money and how much our lifestyle takes. She works, so she feels she's entitled to a certain lifestyle (which, of course, she is), but doesn't comprehend how far above her salary she's currently living (her car cost more than her gross yearly salary, to give you an idea).

 

Overtaxed, what good would it do to put in all the hard work involved in reconciliation only to get back into a marriage where the partners disagree on something as fundamental as children?

 

This is an interesting question. The only answer I have is what I said before, it doesn't matter if it's me or someone else, the chances that she's going to have children are almost 0. Her issues are more severe than mine, doctors told her years ago she couldn't but she never really "heard it". So, we can disagree about it all day long (the way I thought about it) because it's just not in the cards for her. Of course, to be fair, this doesn't make that any easier to deal with, and I know I've been insensitive about it. But, honestly, in some ways, it felt like that made us more compatible, not less. She likes kids but can't have them, and I wasn't sure I wanted them (and then later found out I have my own problems with reproduction). Seems like a good position to start a relationship. How wrong I was about this.