Low sex partner in affair. Fresh d-day

[Overtaxed]

Friend, don't waste your money on marriage counselling until she gets into independent counselling with someone experienced in infidelity to find out why she gave herself the approval to have an affair. During this time work with your own counsellor on your own issues. You may find that marriage isn't for either of you. My point is marriage counselling should wait until she knows her why's. What if you don't like her answer, what if you don't like her once she has shown you who she really is? This is something you definitely don't want to rush.

 

I'm pretty sure I know the "why" the IC will get out of her. "I thought you didn't care". That's the only why she's really been able to come up with; and, I interpret that to mean that she didn't think I loved her (and she definitely convinced herself of this, I saw e-mails going back before the A with her mother basically saying "he doesn't love me"). Now, this, of course, was in her head; why she thought that is a more interesting question. Not speaking her love language? Too cold/not emotional enough? Just acted like I didn't care if she left or not?

 

Don't know. But I do know that, in her mind, she really convinced herself that I didn't care for her. And I know that happened before the initial contact with the AP, so it wasn't retroactive "permission giving" to engage in the A.

 

She's so different today than she was 6 weeks ago. It's great, but I'm also wary; why such a massive change so fast? Being back on the medication? Realizing how bad she hurt me? Seeing the AP for what he is? I know I need to stop asking questions, but, the reason this A went undetected is because.. I stopped asking questions. So I'm very in tune right now, trying to read her emotions/intentions in every conversation. It's a bit exhausting honestly not just taking it "at face value".

[merrmeade]

I'm pretty sure I know the "why" the IC will get out of her. "I thought you didn't care". That's the only why she's really been able to come up with; and, I interpret that to mean that she didn't think I loved her (and she definitely convinced herself of this, I saw e-mails going back before the A with her mother basically saying "he doesn't love me"). Now, this, of course, was in her head; why she thought that is a more interesting question. Not speaking her love language? Too cold/not emotional enough? Just acted like I didn't care if she left or not?

THAT ^^^ in bold is a big red flag; it's either hubris or naïveté on your part. The whole point of IC (with someone good, of course) is that, even if you think you "know" something, there is always more to understand about all the factors and what's really going on. In fact, we say, think and do things ALL the time that we're sure are for a certain reason when we're just convincing ourselves it's that way because we can't admit another agenda or need.

 

I would urge you to stop assuming things and consider the possibility that she thought and said that you didn't love her because she needed a reason. My husband also said that he was convinced I was going to divorce him and had given up (into someone else's arms). Think about it: Emphasizing her doubt about your love lets her off the hook and conveniently shifts responsibility for her actions onto someone else - or at least shares it.

 

In fact, all cheaters do this to some extent or anyone who does anything they aren't comfortable with themselves. They develop a rationalization so they can live with themselves.

Edited March 1, 2017 by merrmeade

[Overtaxed]

THAT ^^^ in bold is a big red flag; it's either hubris or naïveté on your part. The whole point of IC (with someone good, of course) is that, even if you think you "know" something, there is always more to understand about all the factors and what's really going on. In fact, we say, think and do things ALL the time that we're sure are for a certain reason when we're just convincing ourselves it's that way because we can't admit another agenda or need.

 

I would urge you to stop assuming things and consider the possibility that she thought and said that you didn't love her because she needed a reason. My husband also said that he was convinced I was going to divorce him and had given up (into someone else's arms). Think about it: Emphasizing her doubt about your love lets her off the hook and conveniently shifts responsibility for her actions onto someone else - or at least shares it.

 

In fact, all cheaters do this to some extent or anyone who does anything they aren't comfortable with themselves. They develop a rationalization so they can live with themselves.

 

Absolutely, no disagreement from me. She needed a reason, and that's what she came up with. And yes, it's a very convenient way to make it "my fault" that she cheated; but, end of the day, I think that's the "reason" in her mind.

 

She needs (and is getting) a new IC. The one she has now isn't challenging her enough, and, if you read the beginning of this thread, is giving her advice that, if followed, will certainly lead to a D.

[Weezy1973]

I'm pretty sure I know the "why" the IC will get out of her. "I thought you didn't care". That's the only why she's really been able to come up with; and, I interpret that to mean that she didn't think I loved her (and she definitely convinced herself of this, I saw e-mails going back before the A with her mother basically saying "he doesn't love me"). Now, this, of course, was in her head; why she thought that is a more interesting question. Not speaking her love language? Too cold/not emotional enough? Just acted like I didn't care if she left or not?

 

So, to be clear, you're blaming yourself here for the affair right? So she's able to absolve herself of the guilt, and isn't feeling any remorse, because you're to blame for her cheating?

 

I think because you're so action oriented, and you really just wanting all this to be behind you, you are willing to take 100% of the blame just to get past it.

 

By the way, if she was unhappy in the marriage, she was responsible for expressing that. And from what you've told us she never did. She never said anything about her love language to you before the affair. She had you believing that kids wasn't an issue. That's completely on her.

 

If you're too logical and not emotional enough for her, again, that's her responsibility to leave the relationship. She's like, "the marriage would be great if you were someone completely different...and wanted kids..."

 

Think about it: Emphasizing her doubt about your love lets her off the hook and conveniently shifts responsibility for her actions onto someone else - or at least shares it.

 

In fact, all cheaters do this to some extent or anyone who does anything they aren't comfortable with themselves. They develop a rationalization so they can live with themselves.

 

Exactly...and the OP is falling for it hook, line and sinker.

[CaliforniaGirl]

 

By the way, if she was unhappy in the marriage, she was responsible for expressing that. And from what you've told us she never did.

 

She did. She asked him for a divorce.

 

He responded by readily agreeing to her request and handing her a spreadsheet.

[Bittersweetie]

It's going on 2 months now since d-day; I feel like we're moving slowly, I'm a very action oriented person, so, to me, it feels like we're stuck in the mud and moving at a glacial pace. That said, I'm curious, what is the typical timeline for moving to MC from d-day (realize it's personal for each situation, just curious).

 

As someone who has been through the process, do not rush things. Please. No matter what one thinks, by rushing there is most likely rug-sweeping going on. My H and I rug swept nothing...the A, all of the issues we had before the A, everything. And here is my thoughts on our timeline:

 

3 months out from d-day: things are very shaky. very unsure if we will stay together. working on me. doing my best to support him.

6 months: things are shaky. still very unsure about us. working on me. doing my best to support him.

9 months: things are shaky but I have hope. we are starting to work on us things, I'm still working on me.

12 months: more positive than shaky. I have more hope. working on us, I'm still working on me.

18 months: beginning to feel that we may make it. the A is no longer front and center, and we are both more positive about us and our future. We plan a huge vacation.

24 months: we are all in with each other. we get pregnant (planned).

 

If you are choosing to reconcile, and you want to do it right, it is a marathon, not a sprint. We did not do MC, we did our own talk sessions, but we both were in individual IC, me for much longer.

[Overtaxed]

So, to be clear, you're blaming yourself here for the affair right? So she's able to absolve herself of the guilt, and isn't feeling any remorse, because you're to blame for her cheating?

 

I think because you're so action oriented, and you really just wanting all this to be behind you, you are willing to take 100% of the blame just to get past it.

 

By the way, if she was unhappy in the marriage, she was responsible for expressing that. And from what you've told us she never did. She never said anything about her love language to you before the affair. She had you believing that kids wasn't an issue. That's completely on her.

 

If you're too logical and not emotional enough for her, again, that's her responsibility to leave the relationship. She's like, "the marriage would be great if you were someone completely different...and wanted kids..."

 

 

 

Exactly...and the OP is falling for it hook, line and sinker.

 

Ugh, no. I think you're reading the reasons she gave as why the A occurred and thinking that is my explanation. It's not. I know the A is her fault. 100%. But I also know that our M was troubled, and that's really what I'm talking about here.

 

I'm not willing to take the blame for this. I'm apparently not communicating this well, but, at no time have I said, either to her or to myself "This is my fault". In fact, many times, she's said things to me and I've told her "That's complete BS, and here's why (gives examples)". But I'm trying to present both sides here, what she says to me, and what I'm thinking.

 

I've said to her many times "Why didn't you just ask for a D", to which she responds "Because that's not what I want/wanted". But yes, there's no excuse for what she did, and I'm not looking to excuse it. I'm looking to understand it and see if it's something that we can move forward from, or if it's something that needs to be the end of our M. This is the only way I know how to do that.

[Weezy1973]

But I also know that our M was troubled, and that's really what I'm talking about here.

 

Did you know your marriage was troubled before the affair?

 

From how you're describing it, you felt you had a pretty great (albeit not perfect) marriage and were the envy of all your friends and family. And you though she was also happy in the marriage.

 

My point is if she wasn't expressing her dissatisfaction with the marriage prior to the affair that makes her a pretty crappy partner and I don't think you're seeing that. Her apparent satisfaction with the marriage was all an act and then she cheated on you.

 

If she didn't feel loved by you and didn't say anything about it, that makes her a pretty crappy partner. Her happiness is her responsibility. Not yours.

[Overtaxed]

Did you know your marriage was troubled before the affair?

 

From how you're describing it, you felt you had a pretty great (albeit not perfect) marriage and were the envy of all your friends and family. And you though she was also happy in the marriage.

 

My point is if she wasn't expressing her dissatisfaction with the marriage prior to the affair that makes her a pretty crappy partner and I don't think you're seeing that. Her apparent satisfaction with the marriage was all an act and then she cheated on you.

 

If she didn't feel loved by you and didn't say anything about it, that makes her a pretty crappy partner. Her happiness is her responsibility. Not yours.

 

Well.. Yes, I knew it was troubled before the A. We had discussed D before the A started. But I honestly thought that was 100% her saying "I want a child and I know it can't happen with you". So we'd discuss it, just like you'd discuss where to go to dinner, I was not emotional about it because I didn't see any way to give her what she wanted and I didn't want to stand in the way. But the marriage wasn't really "troubled", or at least not how I thought it troubled marriage would look. We had a ton of fun together, we continued to make plans (we bought the house that I referenced during these discussions), we went on vacations. So, I was well aware that "this may end" but I never thought it would be this way; I thought she'd decided "I need to find someone to have a child with" and we'd part ways still very much in love, but just unable to work around this obstacle. It's why I never got mad or emotional about D; I wanted her to have what she wanted and I know that I stand in the way of one of those dreams and didn't (and still don't) want her to live her life with regrets if it was that important to her.

 

From how you're describing it, you felt you had a pretty great (albeit not perfect) marriage and were the envy of all your friends and family. And you though she was also happy in the marriage.

 

The part about being the envy of friends/family, yes, for sure, that was (and still is) true (because they don't know about the A). And, from my side, I was thrilled with our marriage right up until about 6 months ago. When we bought the new house, things started to "crack". There was a ton of stress, and, around that time, the A started. And then I felt like I no longer had a "pretty great" marriage, I felt like I was living with a crazy person. Sometimes a great marriage, sometimes a trip to the attorney's office. Never knew what was in store.

 

Her apparent satisfaction with the marriage was all an act and then she cheated on you.

 

I'm going to ask her about this. I think she was unhappy but hiding it or not expressing it deeply enough (not like how I expected her to express it if she was really at the "the end"). But yes, she was telling me and showing me that she was very satisfied in the marriage up until recently. I don't know if that was an act or not; that's really the question that needs answering (from her). But I kind of doubt it, she's just not that good at hiding her emotions. As an example, I could almost tell you (looking back) the day she first met the AP for lunch from her behavior change. I could tell you within a day or 2 when they had sex for the first time. The changes in her were completely obvious, this is not a person who's good at hiding their emotions/feelings, she was with a man who simply refused to even conceive the idea that she could do something like this. But hiding things is really not her strong suit; I'm the one who's good at that, not her. I just didn't see it because I wasn't looking, not because she was James Bond good at living a double life.

[Weezy1973]

Well.. Yes, I knew it was troubled before the A. We had discussed D before the A started. But I honestly thought that was 100% her saying "I want a child and I know it can't happen with you".

 

Is that why she told you she wanted a divorce at the time? Did she say - I want a child and it can't happen with you so we should get divorced? Or something along those lines?

 

To be honest it seems like you two weren't really communicating during your marriage. Why didn't you understand explicitly her reasons for wanting a divorce?

[Overtaxed]

Is that why she told you she wanted a divorce at the time? Did she say - I want a child and it can't happen with you so we should get divorced? Or something along those lines?

 

To be honest it seems like you two weren't really communicating during your marriage. Why didn't you understand explicitly her reasons for wanting a divorce?

 

No, she never said that. And I'm still guessing, I honestly don't know why we were discussing D; even before the A, but can only pin it on the issue of children because we really have/had no other large fundamental issues. Yes, the sex thing was an issue, but it was mostly my issue.

 

Before the A, the discussion around D were primarily from me; paraphrasing "I can't see myself doing IVF and if that's what you really want, we should talk about going our own ways". She's said that she took that to mean "You didn't care", which, couldn't be less true. I did care, but my statement is also true, if having a child is priority number 1, I'm a very poor choice of partner for her and she should look at going her own way. This is what she pinned me "not caring" on.

 

During the A, the discussions changed; it wasn't really about anything anymore; that was when everything would seem to be fine and then, out of the blue, we'd be talking about D. No rhyme or reason. It wasn't an "issue" it just "was". Don't know if that makes sense, but it's the best way I can describe it.

 

Well, we sure were talking during the M, but, I think I'd agree, we weren't communicating well. And there was a ton of missed intention/meaning on both sides. She would say something to me, and I wouldn't "get it". I'd respond to her, and she wouldn't get it. And round and round we'd go. It wasn't awful, but it also wasn't very effective. Compared to most relationships, it was probably "good" though, which, in my eyes; meant that we didn't need to work on it. Big mistake, obviously.

'

[harrybrown]

I would tend to agree with you. If I had to diagnose her, I'd call her "lost" or "bipolar" from her behavior. I have said that she's broken; and, it feels like she is right now, but did not seem that way during the A. Then she just seemed like a crazy person. As I said many pages ago, we'd come home from work, go out for a nice dinner, talk about the new house and how excited we were to get there, come home, make love, then lie in bed and talk about divorce. It was nuts, and I can only describe that behavior, not diagnose it with any accuracy. She was certainly torn between two worlds and had no idea what she wanted.

 

That does seem to be changing. She's gotten a lot more clear over the past week or 2. She's speaking with conviction again. She's far more remorseful, and she's starting to write to me (e-mail) about what happened (not the sex acts, I already know that, but where her head was; what she was thinking/feeling/etc), what she wants moving forward, and what she wants to do to change things. On a negative, because of the move and work, we both have been unable to get to our IC's as much as we'd like, and still haven't started MC. It's going to have to wait until we get to the new house (next week).

 

I continue to be surprised (and relieved, so greatly relieved) how quickly is went from "I'll give up everything to have this man (AP) in my life" to NC. I mean, she obviously knew what she was risking, and the risk was beyond extreme. It was ridiculous; a work A would have probably gotten her fired, the prenup would have left her with very little financial resources, and I already had another house; so I'd just pick up and leave. The AP was never going to leave his W, and, maybe she knew that, maybe she didn't, but, she had to kind of "feel it". But it still seems strange to me that she was ready to throw it all away for him to where we are today so fast. The way she tells it, it wasn't "him", it was just that she needed someone there to give her some support (to end the marriage). And that kind of makes sense; but, in another way it doesn't; on Jan 6th, you were with another man to give you strength, after discovery, you drop him like he has the plague and no longer want to end the marriage? Perhaps the reality of it hit her? Not sure, but I know the reality has sunk in now; I think she realizes what she risked.

 

Still not sure I have full disclosure, but, the more questions I ask, the more things line up. It's really close at this point. There are a few really painful sexual details I'm not sure I have all the details on, but, at some point, I'm going to have to decide "can I live with the worst version of it" and, if so, move on. Going to give it a few more "rounds" of discussion and see if I can get the full truth from her, that would mean a ton to me, even if it hurts like crazy.

 

have you had her write you a timeline and diary of the A?

 

That would help you. And would be good for her to show some action that she is protecting you and not the OM.

 

That she is putting you ahead of the OM.

[Overtaxed]

have you had her write you a timeline and diary of the A?

 

That would help you. And would be good for her to show some action that she is protecting you and not the OM.

 

That she is putting you ahead of the OM.

 

Thanks for the advice Harry, she's working on the timeline now. I do think this will help me fill in a lot of the missing pieces!

[Jooles]

In my opinion, having a timeline could be just prolonging the pain. You both need to ask yourselves whether, going forward, you would be happier and more fulfilled being together or apart.

 

I believe the root problem stems from the issues of your wife wanting children. If she is religious person she was likely brought up believing that is what a couple is supposed to do. She may have had a bit of a midlife crisis trying to come to terms with the meaning of HER life. It wouldn't surprise me if she was clinically depressed.

 

In some marriages sex can be an indication of the health of the union. Her lackluster sex drive may be more about her own emotional issues than your marriage, or perhaps both.

 

I wonder if a trial separation would be helpful. A little distance could help you both decide if the marriage is worth saving?

[Overtaxed]

In my opinion, having a timeline could be just prolonging the pain. You both need to ask yourselves whether, going forward, you would be happier and more fulfilled being together or apart.

 

I believe the root problem stems from the issues of your wife wanting children. If she is religious person she was likely brought up believing that is what a couple is supposed to do. She may have had a bit of a midlife crisis trying to come to terms with the meaning of HER life. It wouldn't surprise me if she was clinically depressed.

 

In some marriages sex can be an indication of the health of the union. Her lackluster sex drive may be more about her own emotional issues than your marriage, or perhaps both.

 

I wonder if a trial separation would be helpful. A little distance could help you both decide if the marriage is worth saving?

 

Well, too late, she put together a timeline for me. No big surprises on there. It was painful, but it was also helpful, I could see when this stuff really happened and what was "really" going on in our relationship. Not the right answer for everyone, but I'm glad I asked for it.

 

I couldn't agree more. I think that children, for a lot of women, just kind of "are" the meaning of life. If they don't have that, they have to start to think, "what do I really want from my life" and I'd say my wife's answer would be "I have no idea". I think she is clinically depressed and has been as long as I've known her. She's been on AD's for our entire relationship (and long before we met, before any smart a** says "You've been destroying her life for 15 years!"). Her Mom and I have been talking a lot recently and she's shared a lot of her childhood problems with me; and, yes, she never felt like she "fit in" and has always been a bit of a brooder and depressed. I knew this when I met her, and when I married her, I don't sometimes wish she was happy go lucky, but that's more me than her. Opposites attract, I've always been attracted to women who were quiet and less outgoing (well, than my public persona). And that often implies depression.

[Hecan]

Just wondering if there is an update?

How are you coping?

Have you guys moved?

Does it seem like an opportunity for a fresh start?

How is your wife? Her outlook/perspective/mental state?

Yours?

Are y'all still working on being together?

Do you have a MC yet?

Are you both traveling for work again/yet? If so, how is that ?

 

Ok, I'm not trying to start something but there is something bugging me. You obviously don't have to address if you choose not to!

 

"I'm a very sexually liberal person, so, honestly, the "sex outside of marriage" thing isn't eating me alive. I'm a realist, and I figured this would happen at some point, I just figured it would be me not her (please don't judge too harshly, I just spend a lot of time with numbers and stats, something like 70-80% of marriages go through this, so I went in with open eyes that this could happen). What's eating me up are the lies, the way our relationship was breaking down during the affair (looking back, it's crystal clear), the lack of sex drive with me while giving it to him. I honestly felt like we were heading for a divorce before this came to light and could not, for the life of me, figure out what was wrong. I spent so much time and energy trying to "fix it" which now, looking back, was a total waste because the problem wasn't me."

 

You go to great links to guard against getting yourself in a situation to cheat ( which is admirable) yet you thought it would /could have been you. So what would you have expected that outcome have been?? EOM??

It seems like your views are a bit different NOW as you are processing the situation or is that not true? Or is it because you realized that the pain would be extreme so you guarded against it ?? I'm not judging, I'm just curious so PLEASE don't think otherwise.

 

I hope you are healing !

[Overtaxed]

Just wondering if there is an update?

How are you coping?

Have you guys moved?

Does it seem like an opportunity for a fresh start?

How is your wife? Her outlook/perspective/mental state?

Yours?

Are y'all still working on being together?

Do you have a MC yet?

Are you both traveling for work again/yet? If so, how is that ?

 

Ok, I'm not trying to start something but there is something bugging me. You obviously don't have to address if you choose not to!

 

"I'm a very sexually liberal person, so, honestly, the "sex outside of marriage" thing isn't eating me alive. I'm a realist, and I figured this would happen at some point, I just figured it would be me not her (please don't judge too harshly, I just spend a lot of time with numbers and stats, something like 70-80% of marriages go through this, so I went in with open eyes that this could happen). What's eating me up are the lies, the way our relationship was breaking down during the affair (looking back, it's crystal clear), the lack of sex drive with me while giving it to him. I honestly felt like we were heading for a divorce before this came to light and could not, for the life of me, figure out what was wrong. I spent so much time and energy trying to "fix it" which now, looking back, was a total waste because the problem wasn't me."

 

You go to great links to guard against getting yourself in a situation to cheat ( which is admirable) yet you thought it would /could have been you. So what would you have expected that outcome have been?? EOM??

It seems like your views are a bit different NOW as you are processing the situation or is that not true? Or is it because you realized that the pain would be extreme so you guarded against it ?? I'm not judging, I'm just curious so PLEASE don't think otherwise.

 

I hope you are healing !

 

First off, thank you very much for asking. Been offline for awhile now, yes, moving to the new house. Hectic, but it's been a good process; finally got our stuff today, so I have a desk and am in a chair. Oh man, did I miss chairs! It's the simple things..

 

I'm coping OK I guess. Not really sure what I should be feeling. I get flashbacks at times, picturing her with him. Sex is still a bit hard, it's very emotional, and I have intrusive thoughts. But our relationship? It's like it never happened. Actually, it's better than that. My wife has done a complete 180, totally affectionate, very loving; we've both been that way actually. Perhaps it's because we realize what we stand to lose? I'm not sure, but it's really nice, we've never been closer or more "together" than we are right now. I think it's probably because we're both "trying" really hard, but I hope that we keep doing this, because it feels really nice. I've been using more affirming language with her, and it does seem to really help her.

 

There's been NC with the AP. She's written me the timeline, and it does line up with what I already knew and my schedule (travel) from the time this happened. It started in Oct, first sex in November, last sex in Dec. About 2 months total, from reaching out until D-day. I suppose I should consider myself lucky, I was traveling the day after d-day and my wife told me she had planned to see him again while I was out of town.

 

I've been traveling a bit, wife has been traveling more. I have some travel coming up, but, honestly, I'm not worried. If she contacts him, I'll know, and I'll know what I have to do. I pray that doesn't happen, but I will not be taken twice for a fool.

 

No MC yet, and we both have to find new ICs too because of the move. I want to make sure this doesn't fall by the wayside, W seems very eager to "move on", which I totally understand, but, like many on here, I'm not ready for that yet. I need to work through this, make sure I can deal with it, and then make a decision to move on. I have not yet told her I forgive her, and, honestly, I'm a bit surprised its taken me this long. But I'm not going to say it until I mean it, and I'm not ready yet. I feel a bit "wrong" for holding that back, especially since she's done everything I asked (including, BTW, an STD test). But, I'm just not there yet. And I'm not going to say it until it's true.

 

Her outlook and mental state seems wonderful right now. But, we have so much going on, the move, work, etc. So a lot to distract her. Looking at her with all that removed, I'd say this is the best I've seen her in years (mentally). And yes, it does seem like an opprotunity for a fresh start; although, I really sucks because it also feels like we just flushed the previous 15 years down the toilet. I loved our old house, and I loved our old lives. I'm ready to start something new, this move was in the plan long before d-day, but I wasn't ready to have my memories of our old home/location crapped on. And they were. I hate that house now; it makes me sick to think about it, and that's the home we were married in. I hope that changes someday.

 

To your final question; I expected the situation, should I have cheated, to be like it was for most of the guys I know. Cheat because of lack of sex and compartmentalize it away. I can't picture myself cheating for romance or to have another "girlfriend", I can see myself, however, picking up someone at a bar for a ONS.

 

It wasn't so much the pain that I was guarding against; I knew it would tear my wife apart if I cheated on her, but, sadly, it was/is my own pain that really kept me away from it. I didn't want to lose her; and I know that the joy of sex with a new person isn't as good as the day to day joy that I get with her. Sure, it would be exciting and fun. But it's a few minutes, a few stolen hours, compared to a lifetime together. It's just not worth it. And this is coming from someone who is a total high sex person, I LOVE having sex. I'd have sex a few times a day if the W was up for it. But I don't love it as much as I love my life with her, and therefore don't want to lose it/risk it for more sex. Having this happen hasn't really changed my view on it other than to think that I'm right to guard myself as I do; it's so easy to find yourself in this situation, especially when you travel (or have a spouse who does), you have to be very mindful of your actions and situations you allow yourself to get into.

[Hecan]

Really glad to hear that you are working together and realizing what you stand to lose. You are wise not to say / do things you are not ready for. It really hasn't been that long since you guys began working through this.

 

You stated in another post that you have had a lot of conversations with her mom recently and it's helped you understand some things about your wife. Does she know your situation??

 

We are really pulling for you guys to make it!!

[Overtaxed]

Really glad to hear that you are working together and realizing what you stand to lose. You are wise not to say / do things you are not ready for. It really hasn't been that long since you guys began working through this.

 

You stated in another post that you have had a lot of conversations with her mom recently and it's helped you understand some things about your wife. Does she know your situation??

 

We are really pulling for you guys to make it!!

 

We're still putting one day in at a time. Things have been really good between us; not too much talk about it anymore, and we both have been without therapists for a few weeks now because of the move. Looking to get back into that ASAP (have health insurance issues right now, so trying to fix that first).

 

Having some sexual issues (mine); the mind movies play pretty hard for me when we're intimate, I keep wondering "is this how she was with him". It's been bugging me a bit, but it's not been terrible, just there (and unexpected). Other than that, things seem pretty "normal". We've had a ton going on for the past few weeks, so not a lot of time to think/talk about it. Perhaps that's a mistake and I need to make time, I'm wondering if the reasons my mind is playing those movies is because I haven't talked to the W about them.

 

She's back to "her old self". She keeps saying how happy she is and what a terrible mistake it was. There's been NC with the OM; and I'm still shocked at how fast they went from "I love you" to absolutely nothing.

 

Not sure where to go from here. The path was obvious in the beginning (figure out what happened, decide if it's worth saving). Now I'm kind of lost, not sure what I should be doing or expecting in the "middle" of it. Sometimes it's like it never happened, I just forget about it. Other times it's front and center, I look at her and picture him with her and it's like a knife stabbing me. Normal? Don't know. But it's what I'm feeling.

[BTDT2012]

It's a rollercoaster. Best of luck to you.

[aliveagain]

There's been NC with the OM; and I'm still shocked at how fast they went from "I love you" to absolutely nothing.

 

Not sure where to go from here. The path was obvious in the beginning (figure out what happened, decide if it's worth saving). Now I'm kind of lost, not sure what I should be doing or expecting in the "middle" of it. Sometimes it's like it never happened, I just forget about it. Other times it's front and center, I look at her and picture him with her and it's like a knife stabbing me. Normal? Don't know. But it's what I'm feeling.

 

That's why it is so important she does the work to find out "Why" she allowed the affair to happen. You don't want to go through it again in the future. Men can slip in and out of affairs a lot easier then women because for most men affairs are about the sex. Women on the other hand spend more time thinking about the affair and what it could cost them before they start. They need grooming but once in it they are more likely to become attached to their affair partner. You have a right to be shocked, going from "I love you" to nothing isn't the norm. Get her the best help you can afford.

[Jooles]

Sounds like you are in a much better place, and all the things you are feeling are to be expected. I read it takes a full two years to heal from infidelity. Those "mind movies" during intimate times must be difficult. Try and control those thoughts by allotting yourself 5 minutes a day/week/month to consciously think about them, turn them over in your mind, and when the 5 minutes are up, close up that little box and put it away.

 

I don't want to seem like a Debbie Downer, but you may be having a bit of a honeymoon phase. New stage in the relationship, new home, new town, etc. Be on the lookout for changes in your wife's positive attitude once the newness of all that wears off. Regardless, your head is on straight, and you will be able to deal with whatever happens down this road.

 

Life is short- remember to be happy and do things that bring you joy!

[Cephalopod]

Sounds like a pretty complete rug sweep to me. She made out good. No consequences at all.

[Overtaxed]

Sounds like a pretty complete rug sweep to me. She made out good. No consequences at all.

 

Well, I'm not sure what the other option is. Yell at her every night? Tell her to get out? Have my own A?

 

What consequences can you really impose on a spouse you want to R with? She knows I have access to everything, she knows I'm watching her like a hawk. She knows there will be no 2nd chances.

 

I'm just not sure where the line is between "trying to R" and "trying to make the other person suffer as much as you have". Sure, I could go out one night when she's away, bring home a girl, video tape it, and sent it to my wife the D papers. But if the goal is "R", I'm not sure where the line is between rug sweeping and actively working to destroy the relationship (as the partner in the A was doing, but still, is "more wrong" the right way to fix it?).

[Bittersweetie]

Well, I can describe how my H and I looked just over two months out, maybe that will help. I can still remember that time clearly despite it being years ago.

 

First, my H hadn't completely decided whether to R or not. He decided to not decide. However, it was crystal clear that any contact would result in our relationship ending. I understood that. At two months out, I was still texting and calling when I went somewhere and came home. It was minuscule ways to rebuild trust.

 

We also talked about the A and the issues surrounding it weekly. It was our own MC. You don't have to wait to find a therapist to do your own MC; just set some rules beforehand like no interrupting, no yelling, listening, each person has their turn, etc. We each did have individual IC, and during our talks I'd share what I was thinking and learning there. Some may feel IC is private but I wanted to share with my H my thinking and hear his thoughts too.

 

I remember this clearly at about two months from d-day...my H bought us tickets to a basketball game two weeks out. And I was SO EXCITED because that meant he still saw us together in two weeks. We were truly living day-to-day at that time.

 

And TBH, my mental state and outlook at that time was NOT wonderful. Far from it. I was a mess, filled with shame and guilt over what I had done and how I had hurt the one person who completely trusted me. My H saw me a mess during this time, just as I also saw the horrible pain he felt that I caused. Sure, I would've loved to "move on," but that was not the path to take for us. We hit things head on, not knowing what the future held for us.

 

It was also around this time that I decided that regardless if my H and I stayed together, I never again wanted to be the kind of person who did something like this again. So I was going to work as hard as I could, despite the pain, to figure myself out and be a better person. I wanted to start rebuilding my own personal integrity one small brick at a time.

 

And, to me, it does sound like some rugsweeping has gone on...not purposely, but the fact you have moved and are traveling takes energy and time away from truly examining what has happened and how to healthily heal from it. Reconciliation is a roller coaster, and not an easy path. It does take at least two years to heal. If everything seems to be going well, then I agree it's probably a honeymoon phase...we had that at about 4-5 months. It's not a bad thing, but don't think the R is over. You are still just starting. GL.