My GF is pregnant, it might not be my baby

January 24, 2017

OP understands that the logic, if this child isn't his, would be to move on. Then he says he does not understand why it makes him feel bad to move on even under those circumstances. He likes her a lot. To me that is him opening the door on continue seeing her. I am telling him if he feels that way then to give a try to dating her still. If he had said he cannot handle this and it's a deal breaker of course no one would pressure him to do it.

He feels bad because he isn't a POS like most people and cares about her while at the same time realizing he is not ready to raise some other mans child should that bee the case.

He feels like he is abandoning her while at the same time feeling like he will end up trapped if he stays.

If the child is his then it's a no-brainer.

If it isn't, i don't envy him.

January 25, 2017

He feels bad because he isn't a POS like most people and cares about her while at the same time realizing he is not ready to raise some other mans child should that bee the case.

He feels like he is abandoning her while at the same time feeling like he will end up trapped if he stays.

If the child is his then it's a no-brainer.
If it isn't, i don't envy him.

This is how I feel about it.

January 25, 2017

This is how I feel about it.

So when is she having the paternity test? didn't you say she is a nurse? this should be simple for her to get access to this.

January 25, 2017

So when is she having the paternity test? didn't you say she is a nurse? this should be simple for her to get access to this.

She had the test done on Monday, she will get the results next week. It feels like a long time to wait. Normally a week would fly by but right not it's dragging on. She is a SLP. It's almost like a deadline on our relationship, or not.

January 25, 2017

She had the test done on Monday, she will get the results next week. It feels like a long time to wait. Normally a week would fly by but right not it's dragging on. She is a SLP. It's almost like a deadline on our relationship, or not.

I can imagine those are not easy times for both of you. Let us know how it unfolds.

January 25, 2017

I can imagine those are not easy times for both of you. Let us know how it unfolds.

I'm sure it's a lot worse for her. She is pulling back from me so it's a bit harder to understand how she is feeling. I'm not 100% set that I'll leave if it's not my child, but it has a better chance than me staying.

January 25, 2017

I'm sure it's a lot worse for her. She is pulling back from me so it's a bit harder to understand how she is feeling. I'm not 100% set that I'll leave if it's not my child, but it has a better chance than me staying.

I think her pulling back is her way to prepare for you leaving the relationship. As you explained it points to her being pregnant already when you met her. I hope she has a good network of family and friends to support her.

January 25, 2017

If she decides to keep it, sure he doesn't need to stay with her.

However, it's not like she cheated on him or anything since conception happened before they were even together.

January 25, 2017

If it's not your child you shouldn't feel bad if the relationship runs it's course shortly afterwards. Honestly very few men are going to stick around in a situation like that. Especially for someone it doesn't sound like they've been involved with for more than a few months.

I feel bad for your friend but it sounds like something she's most likely going to have to deal with on her own and it seems like she's preparing for that.

You should make a quick, clean, easy break if it turns out the child is not yours. Again, helping this woman raise her child, is not your responsibility or obligation. And if you continue in a relationship with this woman you will be raising this kid with her, don't get it twisted. She's not going to be casually dating while taking care of a newborn.

January 25, 2017

People please stop. If this is not the OP child, he is not the villan here.

I didn't even mention OP. No one is making him the villain.

I clearly said:

only when someone's agenda doesn't include being supportive.

She would be well rid of someone like that in her life--one doesn't need that kind of stress while pregnant.

That isn't making him a villain.

If he doesn't want to hang around if the baby isn't his, then who exactly saying that he's obligated to do so? I didn't.

The truth of the matter is: she would be well rid of someone who will bring a "punish her" attitude to an already messed up situation.

He isn't obligated to stay with her if her pregnancy offends him to the degree that he's compelled to come to strangers on a message board to complain about it.

We can't do anything about it except to tell him either accept this reality or bounce. Our opinions aren't going to make that baby vaporize.

January 25, 2017

I think her pulling back is her way to prepare for you leaving the relationship. As you explained it points to her being pregnant already when you met her. I hope she has a good network of family and friends to support her.

She has said she "knows" that I'm going to leave the relationship if the result comes back that it isn't mine. There is a chance, we were having sex after all. We were having sex before we were exclusive, so it could very well be mine but she has seemed sure that it's not mine. She won't say that, but it seems like she knows that. I have a feeling she knows someone didn't use a condom or took it off. Or I'm just reading too far into it which is entirely possible. Nothing to do but wait and see for now. I'm trying to support her through the wait but she doesn't want to talk about it or acknowledge it.

She doesn't have family. She was never close with them, dad was never around and after her mom died she alienated herself from whatever family she did have. She will be doing it totally alone if it's not mine. She said her mom had really bad depression after she was born and she's worried about that. If no one is around to notice or help her I don't know what she'll do.

If she decides to keep it, sure he doesn't need to stay with her.

However, it's not like she cheated on him or anything since conception happened before they were even together.

I don't think I ever said that she cheated? I don't feel that way at all. We weren't exclusive, end of story.

January 25, 2017

She has said she "knows" that I'm going to leave the relationship if the result comes back that it isn't mine. There is a chance, we were having sex after all. We were having sex before we were exclusive, so it could very well be mine but she has seemed sure that it's not mine. She won't say that, but it seems like she knows that. I have a feeling she knows someone didn't use a condom or took it off. Or I'm just reading too far into it which is entirely possible. Nothing to do but wait and see for now. I'm trying to support her through the wait but she doesn't want to talk about it or acknowledge it.

She doesn't have family. She was never close with them, dad was never around and after her mom died she alienated herself from whatever family she did have. She will be doing it totally alone if it's not mine. She said her mom had really bad depression after she was born and she's worried about that. If no one is around to notice or help her I don't know what she'll do.

I don't think I ever said that she cheated? I don't feel that way at all. We weren't exclusive, end of story.

Good. All you can do now is be supportive of what she decides, but you need to also tell her how it makes you feel.

It's not unreasonable to not stick around for another man's baby only a couple months in.

I'm sure you'll be able to find a way to tactfully tackle this dilemma.

January 25, 2017

I think 99% of males on here have told OP to run if the child isn't his.

I think 1 reason is monetary.

Men think of their pocket first often. they speak as if staying would imply he'll have to feed this child and pay his/her University. This woman is a professional in the medical field, got her finance together, own her home, she can support herself and her child just fine. OP does not need to shed 1 cent on that child if he decides to continue dating her or enter a serious relationship with her down the road.

The second reason is emotionally related.

As if a man could not bond with a child he has not fertilized. Thousands and thousands of men decide to adopt and bond perfectly fine, thousands and thousands of men marry women with children and bond with these children. Once you bond with a child you don't care where he/her is from.

The third reason, that good old preservation and survival instinct

Male killing the offspring that have not been fertilized by them, like a few species do in the wild. This is to ensure it's their blood and DNA that will survive.

Females on the other hand will adopt offsprings from other females without questioning the blood line, she will even feed and care for cubs from a different species. Shows how strong a maternal instinct can be and this is applicable in all species. Probably why many women on here aren't so horrified at the thought of caring for a child that isn't theirs.

Edited January 25, 2017 by Gaeta

January 25, 2017

I have no doubts that I could bond with a child that isn't mine genetically. That's actually a fear of mine. Bonding with the child and our relationship coming to an end at some point. We haven't been together long enough (IMO) to withstand adding a child to it. I don't want to resent her for it and I will see myself out the moment that happens. Whether the child is old enough to realize I'm gone "losing" the child could hurt.

On the legal/monetary side of things though yes that is something that holds me back. Financially she doesn't need help as she makes a good salary (I'd guess around 85K). If I'm around long enough I've read cases of women going to court and having the no-biological father sued for child support because he acted like the father for X amount of time. I can't see her doing that but I also didn't see this coming.

The last part (which to be honest really surprised me) is losing the experience to do it with a woman that I really love, am married to and planned to do it with. Seems like such a girly though but it's there.

January 25, 2017

Why don't you see the results of the paternity test first?

She's prepping you to leave, that's why she withdraws and acts like she knows it is not yours (I.e. She's playing on the worst case scenario - sadly this is very common for people from troubled families).

Also, just keep in mind she'll be fine if you leave. You don't need to guilt trip yourself. It all sounds apocalyptic, but you know what - it is a baby, not a disease. She seems smart and capable and I'm sure she'll manage just fine as a single mother. It is a new life, not a dead sentence.

You'll be fine as well If it is yours obviously you'll need to take responsibility. Otherwise it is up to you.

I have no doubts that I could bond with a child that isn't mine genetically. That's actually a fear of mine. Bonding with the child and our relationship coming to an end at some point. We haven't been together long enough (IMO) to withstand adding a child to it. I don't want to resent her for it and I will see myself out the moment that happens. Whether the child is old enough to realize I'm gone "losing" the child could hurt.

On the legal/monetary side of things though yes that is something that holds me back. Financially she doesn't need help as she makes a good salary (I'd guess around 85K). If I'm around long enough I've read cases of women going to court and having the no-biological father sued for child support because he acted like the father for X amount of time. I can't see her doing that but I also didn't see this coming.

The last part (which to be honest really surprised me) is losing the experience to do it with a woman that I really love, am married to and planned to do it with. Seems like such a girly though but it's there.

January 26, 2017

I think 99% of males on here have told OP to run if the child isn't his.

.
Men think of their pocket first often. they speak as if staying would imply The second reason is emotionally related.
As if a man could not bond with a child he has not fertilized. Thousands and
Females on the other hand will adopt offsprings from other females without questioning the blood line, she will even feed and care for cubs from a different species. Shows how strong a maternal instinct can be and this is applicable in all species. Probably why many women on here aren't so horrified at the thought of caring for a child that isn't theirs.

Myself, I'm a woman. And I think he should head for the hills too. LOL Sorry. But OP, doing something because you feel guilty, or feel sorry for someone isn't the reason to be in a relationship. If the kid is not yours, don't stick around when you KNOW in ur gut that's not what you want. You have only been dealing with this woman for a SHORT time. THIS IS THE BIG THING HERE!! YOU GUYS ARENT EVEN IN LOVE ARE U?? ..HAVENT EVEN BEEN THROUGH THINGS..YOU ARENT EVEN OUT OF THE HONEYMOON STAGE!!! sorry for the caps, but i cant honestly see how people would want you to deal with this knowing all that. You don't owe her anything, other than your honesty. Too many woman get all emotional about it, ( in my opinion) instead of using their heads. This isn't a puppy..its a child. Big responsibility and lifestyle changes are coming. Go on your way, and give her the opportunity to deal with her situation and meet a man down the line who WILL be okay with whatever situation she is in.

Edited January 26, 2017 by BlueRidgeMT

January 26, 2017

This is all hypothetical now! You don't know if you're the father or if someone else is. Speculating on the pros and cons of whether to leave based on unknown information is pointless at this point. Wait until you get the results and go from there. Your feelings on this might surprise you when the truth comes out. You can guess how you'd feel all you want but you won't actually know until it happens.

I know it's super difficult but try not to think into it too much. She might know it's not yours. Or she could be pulling away on the chance it's not yours. It doesn't seem like she wants to trap you. She wants you to have the option to walk if that's what you want. For her, there is no point building something with you and relying on you for support when it can all be gone in a week. And that would be hard on you too.

In this situation, staying or leaving isn't right or wrong. You are currently doing the right thing by being there and being supportive and willing to step up if it's your kid. Other posters can't tell you whether to stay or go regardless of paternity (because you don't need to be in a relationship with this woman if you are the father after all). You are the one who needs to live with the consequences of your decision.

January 26, 2017

No 2 ways about it. Just wait. It's going to be a wonderful world for you after all.

January 26, 2017

I think 99% of males on here have told OP to run if the child isn't his.

I think 1 reason is monetary.
Men think of their pocket first often. they speak as if staying would imply he'll have to feed this child and pay his/her University. This woman is a professional in the medical field, got her finance together, own her home, she can support herself and her child just fine. OP does not need to shed 1 cent on that child if he decides to continue dating her or enter a serious relationship with her down the road.

The second reason is emotionally related.
As if a man could not bond with a child he has not fertilized. Thousands and thousands of men decide to adopt and bond perfectly fine, thousands and thousands of men marry women with children and bond with these children. Once you bond with a child you don't care where he/her is from.

The third reason, that good old preservation and survival instinct
Male killing the offspring that have not been fertilized by them, like a few species do in the wild. This is to ensure it's their blood and DNA that will survive.

Females on the other hand will adopt offsprings from other females without questioning the blood line, she will even feed and care for cubs from a different species. Shows how strong a maternal instinct can be and this is applicable in all species. Probably why many women on here aren't so horrified at the thought of caring for a child that isn't theirs.

One thing you seem to be choosing to disregard over and over again is he didn't choose this situation. In adoption you make the continuous decisions, not happening to date someone who pops up pregnant. And once again you're downplaying with the effort and financial contribution needed to taking care of the child.

Women aren't batting an eyelash because they're projecting the issue to themselves. Most of you have the belief that a man should sacrifice his own well-being in order to be the white knight for this irresponsible woman. Men are looking for a savior, so we'd never expect a woman to accept the burden of a child in a new relationship. You're more concerned with a new mother being abandoned.

Edited January 26, 2017 by Pill

January 26, 2017

[]

OP, if this is not the relationship that you want at this point in your life, then you should move on, and not feel guilty for doing so.

Edited January 26, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
off topic ~6

January 26, 2017

[]

I'm so confused why the most important aspect is continously ignored. Yes the fact that he isn't the father of his pregnant girlfriend should deter him. The only people who would subject themselves to this situation aren't confident enough that they could find someone without the baggage. When you first get in a relationship with someone it's under the assumption that the situation will remain consistent until both people choose to change that or both contribute to the change. Getting pregnant by another man is renegging on the contract.

Edited January 26, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
off topic ~6

January 26, 2017

[]

I'm so confused why the most important aspect is continously ignored. Yes the fact that he isn't the father of his pregnant girlfriend should deter him. The only people who would subject themselves to this situation aren't confident enough that they could find someone without the baggage. When you first get in a relationship with someone it's under the assumption that the situation will remain consistent until both people choose to change that or both contribute to the change. Getting pregnant by another man is renegging on the contract.

Pill dear, like I said we are not all made of the same cloth. What would 'deter' you won't necessary discourage all men like it would you. You call a child 'baggage' many of us would never refer to a child as 'baggage'. Again we all have different values, we have different pasts, experiences, thresholds.

If OP is not horrified by the fact she was pregnant already when he met her than lets respect that in him.

February 2, 2017

OP, you must have had the result by now?

February 14, 2017

OP, you must have had the result by now?

It's not my child.

February 14, 2017

Ouch. Sorry OP

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My GF is pregnant, it might not be my baby

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