Easy Choice?

[loney_girl]

You acknowledge that you do not have a future with OW and that if you did end up with her, you would regret it. Maybe you need to focus on those thoughts to help you get past this.

 

If your periods of NC do not seem to last very long, who is initiating the contact? You or her? What makes this NC different that you believe it may be the final one? Have you been clear with OW that you are being faithful to your wife and want nothing to do with her?

[saltandlight828]

From what it sounds like you are fully aware of what some of your problems are. You like the excitement of the affair but you also know full well its not going to end well. When you married your wife you made a commitment to her and when you had children your commitment extended to them. If you have been cheating on and off for the past 10+ years then you have not given your wife or your marriage 100% of your attention, time, love, or effort. Next emotions are fleeting and marriage takes a lot of work, sometimes you and your spouse walk through a tough season, then maybe a season where you cant get enough of each other, and so on, it is the life cycle of a marriage. Although you have said that you have gone to therapy, I would say go back, and take your wife with you. Commit to not contacting the other woman or any women for that matter. Get some friends and family members who will help hold you accountable and work it out. Your marriage is worth 100% of your effort.

[Ahurtgirl]

I have seen many happy marriages come from relationships that started as affairs and they really can last. I know three couples that had started their second marriages as APs and all three couples have been married over 20 years in their second marriages. If you feel true love for your AP, love her enough to fix yourself so that you can have a truly amazing second marriage with her because in all reality, if your love for your wife would have been as deep and intense as you claim, you would have been able to cheat on her. All to often on this site, the bs people try to say to work hard on your marriage and how the WH or WW made a commitment to their spouse but they are being selfish by not letting go of their wayward spouse to pursue their own happiness. Letting your AP go may be the biggest mistake of your life. She was brought into your life for a reason and it is up to you to decide if you want happiness with your AP or live the rest of your marriage knowing you have never been happy with your wife. Cheating is a sign that even though you have the comforts of home and have kids with this women, she is not the one who has your heart.

[ShatteredLady]

Stop slipping into the 3rd person & quoting phschologist babble!!

 

Rewrite your posts saying I, ME!!

 

YOU make choices, with your own FREE WILL. YOU feel sorry for YOU because of your hard childhood AND YOU feel sorry for YOU because of the mess that YOU have created in YOUR life!

 

Focus on the AGONY that YOU are inflicting on your WIFE & how YOU are DELIBERATELY sc**wing-up the lives of your CHILDREN!

 

They are completely INNOCENT just as you were as a child. THINK about that!!

 

You are now supposed to be a grown MAN but you are so self centered that you are incapable of EMPTHY.

 

Sit quietly & focus on the PAIN you have & ARE inflicting on your family. No excuses allowed!! No "I caused this BUT.....". Just STOP IT!! You are an adult making calculated descisions to inflict agony on others.

 

We all have our issues. We ALL have our cross BUT only a few of us drift through life thoughtlessly chasing highs & playing games with others hearts.

 

EMPATHY. That's what you need to be learning NOT excuses.

 

Yes, a deeper understanding of self is important so is self control & compassion.

[Mr Blunt]

By StreetLight

If a person isnt truly happy within they wont be happy anywhere else doesnt matter who they're with and to some it might sound like " well ok snap out of it " sometimes its not that easy .

 

 

 

 

By Blunt

No one said that it is easy. Stop telling us barriers (“ sometimes it is not that easy”) that you have that hinder you to overcome but instead just get in gear and start your plan to help yourself and your family. You have to take the first steps and get help. So what are your first steps and what help have you secured?

 

 

You took a LOT of first steps to get the adulterous sex that you wanted for ten years. Now that you have to do the hard steps to help yourself and your family force yourself to do the right things. You owe your children and wife a lot so you will either stand up like a man and do right or you will follow the coward trail and fail your children again.

[Ahurtgirl]

I disagree with the statement that it doesn't matter who you are with. The right person can make all the difference. If you are continuing to have feelings for your AP, follow your heart. She is the one you love. I know many kids who have parents who have amazing step dads and step moms and from families who divorced for varies reasons, sometimes infidelity. All the kids are thriving and doing well. One of my daughter's friends who has both of her parents remarried, said she loves having too homes, two bedrooms, and loves having step sibblings.

It really comes down to what you want. Don't be brain washed by people telling you that the right thing to do is stay with your kids... you will always have your kids and if you do leave your wife to be with your AP (obviously, do NOT continue to cheat), your kids will respect you for following your heart, as kids know when a parent is happy and in love. What affects them negatively is when they can feel a parent is not happy. Your wife will find someone new also. There is so much more to offee your kids with your AP, once you divorce and marry her. It will allow for a fresh start and true happiness.

[Popsicle]

It sounds like an addiction. Like how people struggle to overcome alcohol or drugs. They do those things because it makes them feel good. They have poor coping mechanisms otherwise and develop bad coping mechanisms. They need to replace it with something healthier to make then feel good. Some kind of addiction treatment may be appropriate for you.

[sandylee1]

Does your wife know the depth of your infidelity? The fact that you've treated in every relationship you've had and about your feelings for the OW? Because you need to start with honesty and give her all the information, so she can decide what to do.

 

You're much better off as a single man, not having any more children, so that when you carry on cheating in future relationships, at least no innocent children are involved.

 

It seems like you took the next step in life and got married, but you lack the maturity and continue to jeopardise the safety and security of your children.

 

Do your children really mean so little to you that you would do that?

 

Every time you cheat, you choose to disrespect your wife and demonstrate she's not worth being faithful to. Loosing her isn't really an issue for you, because you don't love her or you don't love her enough to keep true to your promise of fidelity.

 

Marriage isn't for everybody and it's no shame to admit that, especially your track record. You should have never got married or you should have looked for an open marriage, because it seems no one woman is enough for you or ever will be.

 

Tell me, if you had a sister or daughter married to a man like you, what would you advise them to do?

 

If your response is they should leave him, then if you have any bit of love left for your wife, you'll leave her to find a man who won't do what you have, or you'll be serious about changing your ways and becoming a husband worth having.

[wmacbride]

op,

one of the first things you really need to figure out is why you cheat int he first place. Do you do it for all the psychological reasons you mentioned, or do you do it because you are not wired to be with only one person?

 

Some men and women are not, and all the therapy int he world won't change that. It's a fundamental piece of who they are.

 

Do you sabotage you marriage in other ways beyond cheating? Do you secretly hope you'll get caught and leave obvious clues that you are? If so, maybe the sabotoge theory is right.

 

If your marriage is otherwise strong, if you are otherwise kind and caring to your wife, if you do you bets to hide the A's because you don't want to get caught, then it could simply be that being monogamous is not the right choice for you.

 

People cheat for all sorts of reasons, and not all of them are due to their childhood. As Freud once said " sometimes a cigar is just a cigar" and it's possible that's true in your case. Or maybe it's not. Only you can answer that.

[StreetLight]

Thanks for the replies everyone.

 

Im not sure if im meant to be single or not.. but id like to try and be faithful and hopefully change i mean ive trained myself without knowing to want chase certian excitments, that have lead to one mistake after another.

 

Ive had no contact with the AP so far which im hoping only gets easier with time.. i do also worry like one poster said that i might regret not choosing the AP but it can also be the other way around too.. i guess u gotta sacrfice something Id like to say im not unhappy with my marriage or anything else in my life all the confusion has been created by me and only me ..

[afoolto no end]

I think you need to think about this, are you not happy with either because your only 1/2 way there with both, how could you be happy not giving your all, that is what it takes full on mind and action connection, loyalty, honor.

My guess is you have never felt how good that can actually feel and be with someone, doing what you are doing never being 100%.

If I were you I would give your marriage a real chance, your family a real chance, and really build a connection you will be totally in love with.

Just concentrate on conversation about the two of you, not work not the kids.

Spend time together showing affection, no tv's no phone's no kids , just connecting on a deeper level, just the marriage.

You should at least devote 4 or 5 pockets of time at least 4 hours long, every week, just being you two.....

emotional connection at the deepest level is everything, your sex life will be better everything will be better......marriages don't work without effort, time, love, loyality and respect. You have 3 children......you at least should try really try without an affair in the back ground.

If you can't do that then run to your affair partner and you will quickly see you will only be in the same boat because the problem is really you and your lack of commitment to your relationships/family.....

running won't help you. you changing who you are and what kind of man will

[StreetLight]

I think you need to think about this, are you not happy with either because your only 1/2 way there with both, how could you be happy not giving your all, that is what it takes full on mind and action connection, loyalty, honor.

My guess is you have never felt how good that can actually feel and be with someone, doing what you are doing never being 100%.

If I were you I would give your marriage a real chance, your family a real chance, and really build a connection you will be totally in love with.

Just concentrate on conversation about the two of you, not work not the kids.

Spend time together showing affection, no tv's no phone's no kids , just connecting on a deeper level, just the marriage.

You should at least devote 4 or 5 pockets of time at least 4 hours long, every week, just being you two.....

emotional connection at the deepest level is everything, your sex life will be better everything will be better......marriages don't work without effort, time, love, loyality and respect. You have 3 children......you at least should try really try without an affair in the back ground.

If you can't do that then run to your affair partner and you will quickly see you will only be in the same boat because the problem is really you and your lack of commitment to your relationships/family.....

running won't help you. you changing who you are and what kind of man will

 

No i haven't ever given any relationship 100%.

 

Ive kept running back and forth with the AP.

 

Is their any success stories on here from someone who was the cheater?

[Midwestmissy]

 

Is their any success stories on here from someone who was the cheater?

 

Success at cheating is an oxymoron. Success is living life authentically and standing up for the people to whom you made promises. Cheating makes you a failure from the get-go.

[StreetLight]

Success at cheating is an oxymoron. Success is living life authentically and standing up for the people to whom you made promises. Cheating makes you a failure from the get-go.

 

Well i meant as in someone who stopped that was in the same position as me.

[Midwestmissy]

The only way to be successful after the fact is to get therapy and tell your wife everything so she can make informed decisions. Until my husband told me the truth and started to get help, everything in his life was out of control. Our marriage couldn't move forward without full honesty. It's totally possible, but you have to let go of the outcome. There may be icky consequences, but you have made this bed and the fallout may not play out the way you want it to. Too bad. Your wife didn't sign up for this at all.

 

There's a reason you're afraid of the consequences of being honest, yet very easily deceive your wife and couldn't care less about her feelings in all this. You have boundary issues and neediness. Sounds like you've never committed fully. That's terribly sad, because the feeling that gives is wonderful. That's the help you need to get. And you may have to try several therapists before you get that help.

[cocorico]

Is their any success stories on here from someone who was the cheater?

 

It depends on what you mean by "success". There are fWS here who are happily reconciled to their fBS. There are fWS who are happily married to their fAP. There are fWS who are divorced, not with their fAP, and either happily single or happily with other people. All are successes.

 

There are others less successful - still unhappily M, or unhappily D, or unresolved in some other way. Read around these boards and you'll get a sense of what makes someone happy in their outcome - whichever that is - and what makes someone unhappy. And see how that compares with you.

 

TBH, you've had only one R where you were faithful - and that R ended for some other reason, so even that doesn't sound as though it was ideal - so you're starting from a low base. Success is going to require much more effort from you than for someone who had a single A, under defined conditions that they could understand and address and resolve. Are you willing to make that effort?

[StreetLight]

Sometimes its scary when you're trying to change and still make mistakes.. you start feeling like a monster to yourself with the lack of empathy.

 

But yet you still feel like crap at the sametime about everything you did. As one poster said i think it is an addiction right now it feels like its impossible to change even though ive cut off all contact with AP... feels like its matter of time either i go back to her or find someone else .. its a very uneasy feeling .

 

There is no joy in being like this.. you feel like crap if u do it or even if u dont.

[loney_girl]

So I know this will be the unpopular opinion... You stated earlier you have never been faithful to your wife even before marriage. Do you think you are feeling this way because perhaps she just isn't the one for you and never has been? Even when you are trying to be good and faithful it is hard because deep down, she just doesn't fulfil you and can't? Are you just complacently unhappy with your whole situation? If divorce wasn't scary/expensive/messy/heart breaking for all involved, do you think you would leave her?

[Mr. Lucky]

If divorce wasn't scary/expensive/messy/heart breaking for all involved, do you think you would leave her?

 

So he could cheat on the next relationship?

 

So ive always been unfaithful through out my life,

 

The OP doesn't have a problem with his marriage or spouse, he has an inability to commit in all relationships.

 

StreetLight, that's obviously a fairly profound issue and a significant character flaw. What are you doing to understand the reasons behind this? As things stand, don't see a happy ending for you or anyone else involved...

 

Mr. Lucky

[StreetLight]

It is a character flaw at this point..

 

Lonelygirl - im not sure that would fix the problem.. but i understand what you mean though, the fear of cheating again with anyone is strong.

 

 

Im trying to understand it work with a therapist in the mean time trying not to act out.. but sometimes it feels its impossible to change.

[Lady2163]

I don't know if it is a character flaw or an actual belief system at this point.

 

If you've cheated in every relationship - or when you were a kid and have relationships before they became sexual, did that other thing, where you liked another girl and broke up with girl A to be with girl B, this is part of who you are.

 

Frequently on here, men will ask if it is cheating to watch porn. While it isn't cheating literally, if they have to hide it from their partners or if they KNOw their partner wouldn't approve, then it is a violation of trust. Is it cheating to go to a bachelor party where you know there will be strippers and your wife doesn't approve? Again, no - but it's going to cause problems when she finds out.

 

Your belief system permits you to cheat. You know your wife isn't in favor of it. You know your wife expects fidelity from you. True, absolute love for your wife means you overwrite your beliefs and never expect any attaboys because you did. This compromise, this sacrifice is what you are doing because you want to love your wife.

 

I'm not lecturing you in the least. I'm an ex-ow. While I had a 20 year gap, I am a serial ow. I really don't hold myself accountable for the ones I did before a certain age, I was young and dumb and was seduced by a married man when I was 16. That rewrote my belief system and allowed me to think that it was "okay". They were adults and I was not. I was pretty easily manipulated.

 

Because I never had a DDAY with my last one, I'm not too convinced anyone was hurt. Do I know for sure that he was always easy going and a good partner for his wife while he was with me? No, but he was pretty forthcoming and I think he would have let me know if the rhythm changed around the house. There were a few times when she was suspicious, but it was misguided. She found two receipts for something girly....I think it was jewelry. She was convinced he bought two bracelets (?), one for her and one for another woman. He had bought two brackets, but it was a stressful time when he couldn't find the return receipt and had to wait for it to show up on his credit card statement for a couple of days. He bought one for her and changed his mind and bought a different one.

 

Sorry, spun off topic.

 

You are the only one who truly knows if you can give up whatever it is that cheating gives you. If you can't, you need to tell your wife. Personally, I can't help but wonder if an open marriage would actually curtail you. When something taboo becomes acceptable and available, it isn't as much fun as before.

[BourneWicked]

Ive been told that its an issues from my childhood, so im acting out for attention in the wrong way.. getting " control " or " power " that i never had as a child...

 

Its more complicated when you really look into the details , its like your escaping any situation you're in to another one a " better " one but in reality its not better.. its self sabotaging to the point where you dont like pain but seem to enjoy it in a weird way.

 

Even though you like happiness but when lifes flowing nicely in comes the other " you" to create havoc. So basically when life gets normal in comes depression n only the thing to lift it out of that is doing what I've mentioned.

 

 

Felt compelled to comment based on this. I feel like you could be me, or my AP (except we're still in contact). One commonality we've identified is thrill-seeking behavior. We're both adrenaline junkies. Historically for me, that meant things like snowboarding and water skiing, but with small children at home those hobbies got pushed aside, and made room for something else.

 

An interesting article on infidelity and genetics from the times:

 

https://www.nytimes.com/2015/05/24/opinion/sunday/infidelity-lurks-in-your-genes.html

 

Obviously, genetics aren't a pass (for any of us). The part that sticks out to me in this article is people with a certain variation of dopamine receptor "walk around at a baseline feeling less stimulated and more hungry for novelty than those lacking the variant."

 

This is me. Maybe this is you.

 

My recommendation if you do have the thrill seeking behavior is to employ it in some other part of your life. Take up rock climbing, or skiing, or even ice skating or dance classes. Better yet - take your wife with. Studies show that doing new and exciting things together helps pair bonding.

 

Your comment that life goes smoothly and you have to do something to wreck that - I identify with that as well. You mention your childhood was less than perfect. Growing up in an unstable household is comfortable, and what you know. So a normal, happy family life seems strange, and you attempt to recreate the instability of your past. Since you are self-aware, you're fighting against this which is good. You likely want a better, more stable situation for your children than you had - but you're fighting your own demons and memories of a darker childhood. A darker "normal".

 

Finally, I've done a lot of reading about ADHD and Borderline Personality Disorder. These maybe have nothing to do with you, but thought I'd share anyway: "there is an overlap between ADHD and BPD in the core domains of impulsivity and emotional dysregulation." Either can make a person more prone to cheating (which isn't to to say there aren't plenty of people with ADHD and BPD that don't cheat). Again, maybe nothing to do with you but something I've identified with.

 

Anyway, I am not a serial cheater (though maybe a serially flirtatious) and I've been thinking and reading a lot about these sorts of things lately since I made such a huge mistake, and what I can do to change. Best of luck to you!

[NTV]

I've got to wonder if you're spending all this time cheating through the whole marriage..... how much quality time are you spending with your kids?

[Downtown]

There is an overlap between ADHD and BPD in the core domains of impulsivity and emotional dysregulation.

BW, welcome to LoveShack. Some members of the psychiatric community suspect that BPD and adult ADHD may not be two distinct disorders but, rather, represent -- at least for some patients -- two dimensions of one disorder. See, e.g., 2006 Study and 25% of BPDers Have ADHD.

[StreetLight]

Adhd ,BP,OCD n others ive looked into i think i have something but havent figured out which one yet even with help from pros...

 

Any time i was spending cheating was time away from my kids and thats bad but it im usually with my children a lot, i got good at working around that.

 

Hardest part is to find the spark ones lost at home.