Was I just a rebound?

[ThReboundGuy]

Her behavior confuses me. We were planning on what we're going to do on New Years eve. She said people had asked her to join their parties. Even her sister, the closest family member she has, had asked her to join her and her friends.

 

But she said she wants to be with me. That where ever I go, she comes with me. I was going to spend NYE with my buddies, so she wanted to join us, not her sister and not her friends. I felt good. I felt like she cares for me, and wants to be with me whatever it takes.

 

Two days after that conversation she dumped me. She had already made the decision to dump me when we had that NYE -conversation. Most likely she had already detached herself from me at that point. Why on earth did she act like that and keep my hopes up? Why was she ready to say no to all her friends and her god damn sister whom she loves the most just to spend NYE in my company, when she already knew she'll dump me in a few days?

 

I don't understand the psychology behind this kind of behavior. What were her intentions? Was she just trying to be nice? She said she didn't want to ruin my NYE by dumping me right before it, but was she really ready to go that far just to make sure I enjoy NYE?

[GeorgeWP93]

If you EVER find the answer to this then please don't forget about me, my ex was inviting me to her parents place abroad in august and asking me if I would come see her at the house she was looking after the following weekend, we had a weekend in Europe and she dumped me the day after we got back.

 

Some women seem to lie or do anything they can to convince you, just incase they change their mind.

 

What reason did she give you?

[Cookiesandough]

Only she knows the truth and obsessing over why is only going to make you go crazy. We don't have any answers. The closest thing you have to her word is that she didn't want to break up with you on New Years, so she was trying to keep up the gf facade till after. It's plausible she didn't want you to start off your new year with a break up and wanted to hold on as long as she could, but she just couldn't, she wasn't happy.

[VeveCakes]

Your question has the answers in your other thread. The answer remains the same.

 

Stop looking for answers and just accept what has happened and move on.

 

You will never know what her thoughts/intentions were, ever.

[mightycpa]

I think that when people lose interest in you, this slowly builds over time. When they first notice something about you that bugs them, they try to let it go. No big deal. But as time moves along, they notice their disinterest growing and I think it is an unwelcome feeling, that they don't enjoy feeling that way. All too often, I think the reaction is an affirmative effort to chase those feelings away. They pour on the affection and the words of love. They make plans for the future, they seem to really enjoy their time with you, they really go to extreme lengths to demonstrate their devotion to you. I think all that is a form of denial.

 

They believe that somehow, with enough effort, they can overcome this feeling. But they can't, and then comes the day they know it with certainty. Not long after that, you're a goner. That dump you fast and cold, and the reason they do that is because they know it's going to hurt you and they just want to get it over with, while simultaneously delivering a strong message that will counteract their most recent behavior.

 

I don't think this is planned so much as it is a series of reactions to the feelings of the day.

[HeartCease]

I think that when people lose interest in you, this slowly builds over time. When they first notice something about you that bugs them, they try to let it go. No big deal. But as time moves along, they notice their disinterest growing and I think it is an unwelcome feeling, that they don't enjoy feeling that way. All too often, I think the reaction is an affirmative effort to chase those feelings away. They pour on the affection and the words of love. They make plans for the future, they seem to really enjoy their time with you, they really go to extreme lengths to demonstrate their devotion to you. I think all that is a form of denial.

 

They believe that somehow, with enough effort, they can overcome this feeling. But they can't, and then comes the day they know it with certainty. Not long after that, you're a goner. That dump you fast and cold, and the reason they do that is because they know it's going to hurt you and they just want to get it over with, while simultaneously delivering a strong message that will counteract their most recent behavior.

 

I don't think this is planned so much as it is a series of reactions to the feelings of the day.

 

 

 

Fair enough. But you've made a most compelling case for couples to communicate openly. If one person is feeling that way "gradually" ... then they have plenty of time to express that and not let it come as a complete shock when they dropkick their oblivious lover.

 

I'd even go as far as to say that if such feelings were discussed as soon as they were discovered, it might be possible to make relationship-saving changes before it's too late.

 

This calls to mind all those people who claim that they want "love" but then can't be bothered to perform the required maintenance on their relationship when they drag some unsuspecting soul into what will ultimately become a custom-made Hell.

 

People should lie less (especially to themselves) and communicate more.

[Sweetfish]

Cognitive dissonance is a psychological term which describes the uncomfortable tension that results from having two conflicting thoughts at the same time, or from engaging in behavior that conflicts with one’s beliefs.

 

The concept of cognitive dissonance is almost self-explanatory by its title: ‘Cognitive’ is to do with thinking (or the mind); while ‘dissonance’ is concerned with inconsistencies or conflicts. Simply speaking, cognitive dissonance is the discomfort a person experiences whenever they are holding two conflicting ideas simultaneously

 

Now you can sleep like a baby tonight

[marky00]

I think that when people lose interest in you, this slowly builds over time. When they first notice something about you that bugs them, they try to let it go. No big deal. But as time moves along, they notice their disinterest growing and I think it is an unwelcome feeling, that they don't enjoy feeling that way. All too often, I think the reaction is an affirmative effort to chase those feelings away. They pour on the affection and the words of love. They make plans for the future, they seem to really enjoy their time with you, they really go to extreme lengths to demonstrate their devotion to you. I think all that is a form of denial.

 

They believe that somehow, with enough effort, they can overcome this feeling. But they can't, and then comes the day they know it with certainty. Not long after that, you're a goner. That dump you fast and cold, and the reason they do that is because they know it's going to hurt you and they just want to get it over with, while simultaneously delivering a strong message that will counteract their most recent behavior.

 

I don't think this is planned so much as it is a series of reactions to the feelings of the day.

 

Nah, that's not the reason.

 

 

One reason is that everyone wants to look good and be remembered as someone who cared. Since they know the end is coming, it's time to make it look like they cared.

 

 

Other reason is simply over-compensation. The guilt of "not feeling it" causes them to over-compensate to balance things. It's all guilt driven, nothing else.

 

 

No-one is in denial 2 days before a breakup. Its done and dusted months before the BU.

[ThReboundGuy]

It's plausible she didn't want you to start off your new year with a break up and wanted to hold on as long as she could, but she just couldn't, she wasn't happy.

 

Thank you. I sensed something was off so I urged her to tell me what's on her mind. At first she said "it's nothing really" but when I really urged her to let it out she said "I wan't to break up". From 0 to 100 real quick.

 

It's actually better it happened just before NYE because I was about to introduce her to my family on NYE. It would have been a disaster and extremely uncomfortable situation for her because she knew she'll dump me in a few days.

[ThReboundGuy]

I'd even go as far as to say that if such feelings were discussed as soon as they were discovered, it might be possible to make relationship-saving changes before it's too late.

 

Completely agree. She didn't discuss about her feelings with me, but with her BFF and sister. She told them about her feelings and doubts but not me. Once she had made up her mind she only informed me she want's to break up. Now that I think of it, she was a damn coward. A coward.

 

She pretended everything was fine. She acted like she loved me. She kept up the girlfriend facade till the very end. But at the same time she was talking about her feelings and about the fact that she want's to dump me with her damn BFF and sister, behind my back. Why did she not talk about those things with me? I made sure she can trust me and tell me about whatever she has on her mind. She was a coward, that's what she was.

[GeorgeWP93]

Completely agree. She didn't discuss about her feelings with me, but with her BFF and sister. She told them about her feelings and doubts but not me. Once she had made up her mind she only informed me she want's to break up. Now that I think of it, she was a damn coward. A coward.

 

She pretended everything was fine. She acted like she loved me. She kept up the girlfriend facade till the very end. But at the same time she was talking about her feelings and about the fact that she want's to dump me with her damn BFF and sister, behind my back. Why did she not talk about those things with me? I made sure she can trust me and tell me about whatever she has on her mind. She was a coward, that's what she was.

 

I know exactly how you feel, is she had communicated these issues then you could have sorted them as a couple, as a grown serious couple of adults should in a relationship, because it's not always rainbows and butterfly's in them. There are highs and lows, things are fixable people just don't see that.

 

I know you probably had doubts about the relationship but you knew you liked her, you have gotten this far with her and think logically.

[SevenCity]

Completely agree. She didn't discuss about her feelings with me, but with her BFF and sister. She told them about her feelings and doubts but not me. Once she had made up her mind she only informed me she want's to break up. Now that I think of it, she was a damn coward. A coward.

 

She pretended everything was fine. She acted like she loved me. She kept up the girlfriend facade till the very end. But at the same time she was talking about her feelings and about the fact that she want's to dump me with her damn BFF and sister, behind my back. Why did she not talk about those things with me? I made sure she can trust me and tell me about whatever she has on her mind. She was a coward, that's what she was.

 

Unfortunately, some people are selfish f'ed up a holes. I've seen this a lot with dumpers who foolishly think they are doing what's best and letting you down as easy as possible when, in fact, they do the exact opposite.

 

NEVER in my life have I made future plans or gave the impression everything was fine when the thought of ending the RL was in my head. I've had it done to me by women several times up to and including recent discussions of trips and having a baby before my ex of 7 years left.

 

You'll likely never know the actual reason for the breakup. She will never tell you. You'll think long and hard with your logical mind to rationalize it and you will fail.

 

The only thing you can do is come to grips that you'll never know why and remember the next time a chick tells you these things that she is likely full of bs. It will be a long time if ever I trust a woman.

[Been]

Going to go over some rules you should set for yourself.

1.You date a woman and she is friends with an ex leave her.

2.And if she is in constant communication with an ex-run don't walk to the exit!!

3.If she is always comparing you to her ex-warn her ONCE to stop it she continues call a day and leave her.

 

I'll let you in on a little secret. It's happened to me and I know it hurts. She KNEW what she was doing the WHOLE TIME. I'm sorry but that's the truth.

The reason she laid it on so thick on you was to mask all those RED FLAGS that you ignored. Sure you saw ALOT of red flags but you overrode them because she was having you feel like a king!It was by design.

Her intentions were to get her ex back but in the meantime she used you. Why is she with another man then you ask?Because her and her ex won't work. You said she stated he's abusive when he drinks-they get back togeather and make promises to one another. Everything is great at first and then it reverts back to what it was and she runs to someone else. Repeat about ten times.

You want revenge on someone who is only concerned about THEMSELVES.

But if you want revenge I'll tell you what you can do:if she knows you still love her she will most likely runback to you-she'll tell you a host of reasons why the two of you should get back togeather. Hear her out and then tell her NO. And then live your life to the fullest. If you take her back you'll be on here posting about how she left you AGAIN.

[ThReboundGuy]

I'll let you in on a little secret. It's happened to me and I know it hurts. She KNEW what she was doing the WHOLE TIME. I'm sorry but that's the truth.

The reason she laid it on so thick on you was to mask all those RED FLAGS that you ignored. Sure you saw ALOT of red flags but you overrode them because she was having you feel like a king!It was by design.

Her intentions were to get her ex back but in the meantime she used you. Why is she with another man then you ask?Because her and her ex won't work. You said she stated he's abusive when he drinks-they get back togeather and make promises to one another. Everything is great at first and then it reverts back to what it was and she runs to someone else.

 

Wow, you said it. She made me feel like a king indeed. She said all the right things: "You are so much better than my ex, I wish I had met you earlier." She introduced and integrated me to her inner circle and I became part of it. She smothered me with love and affection: I was hooked.

 

She had an on/off relationship with her ex and according to her it was now over for good. He cheated on her and was abusive so she'll never go back to him. Though it was clear she was still hung up on him. I think she wanted to make him jealous and show him she moved on and is thriving, rather than get him back. They won't work and she knows it. Also I think it's worth mentioning this ex was her "first official relationship", so basically first love and first everything. I believe that adds fuel to the fire.

 

It kinda gives me comfort to think I had no real chances to begin with. That I did nothing wrong except ignored the red flags, but in the end there was nothing I could have done to prevent the BU. It was bound to happen one day or another.

 

Also, knowing her, I highly doubt she'll come back to me or ever even contact me again. She had no genuine feelings for me and she was so indifferent towards me right after the BU. She's the kind of woman who won't regret her decision and go back. And if she ever feels like she would like to contact me she won't because she knows how she hurt me and she probably thinks I don't want to be in any contact with her.

[Been]

She will contact you-they always do. Guilt,curious, whatever the reason she will contact you.

You just have to remember that pretty much EVERYTHING she ever told you wasn't true-and that's a hard pill to swallow. Because you want to believe something she did or said to you was REAL but it was just a show.

She like the previous poster stated didn't want to come out looking like the COMPLETE bad person so she discussed issues she had about you with her friends-and I gurrantee you she only told them one side of the story which would be the part where it made her LOOK like she had no choice but to break up with you.

[ThReboundGuy]

When we started the BU talk she first said she was disappointed in how I acted last evening and didn't listen to her (we had a night out with her friends and I had drinked quite a bit and I was a little wild, but nothing special happened). I apologized and she then moved on to the real subject of the discussion: she doesn't think our relationship works. I was baffeled since it had been working all along and there weren't really any major problems that would make it not work.

 

I kept on questioning her claim and she then said she had lost feelings towards me during the last ~2 weeks. Now we were getting to the root of the problem. I asked here why is that, did I do or say something wrong? She couldn't think of anything and said she was confused herself as to why it happened. She said she had told herself not to start losing feelings and that she really tried to fight her emotions but she couldn't help it.

 

She also started saying stupid **** to justify the fact that she want's to dump me. She said things like she has a wild past with her BFF (wtf?), she has substance abuse problems and drug problems (Lol what, she liked to drink beer and smoke weed from time to time but really? You think that's a reason to dump someone?) etc. Can't even remember the rest but they were just as stupid excuses.

 

So that was it. The only reason she could come up with was that she didn't feel it anymore. I asked her sister and close BFF if she had told them anything more specific but they said the same. That she had told them she doesn't have feelings for me anymore. (maybe they lied to me too?). She gave no real concrete reasons such as; dealbreakers, wrong actions, cheating, etc. You know, there is always a reason. One does not simply just start losing feelings for someone they loved so much just a few weeks ago.

 

Is that it then? How can someone just lose interest like that? We were going strong. Our relationship was still fresh and everything was pretty much new and exciting.

 

You might have read my earlier posts about my theory of me being her rebound but I've been second quessing everything and doubting if that was the case after all. She showed signs and did things that completely contradict the rebound theory, but I don't know. On the other hand her sudden loss of feelings towards me isn't really explainable in any other way than that she was still hung up on her ex. But if that was the reason you would think she'd take some time off of dating till she has completely gotten over her ex, but she got a new man only 2 weeks after dumping me. I just feel like the closure doesn't satisfy me, there's something more to it.

[Jimmyjackson]

When we started the BU talk she first said she was disappointed in how I acted last evening and didn't listen to her (we had a night out with her friends and I had drinked quite a bit and I was a little wild, but nothing special happened). I apologized and she then moved on to the real subject of the discussion: she doesn't think our relationship works. I was baffeled since it had been working all along and there weren't really any major problems that would make it not work.

 

I kept on questioning her claim and she then said she had lost feelings towards me during the last ~2 weeks. Now we were getting to the root of the problem. I asked here why is that, did I do or say something wrong? She couldn't think of anything and said she was confused herself as to why it happened. She said she had told herself not to start losing feelings and that she really tried to fight her emotions but she couldn't help it.

 

She also started saying stupid **** to justify the fact that she want's to dump me. She said things like she has a wild past with her BFF (wtf?), she has substance abuse problems and drug problems (Lol what, she liked to drink beer and smoke weed from time to time but really? You think that's a reason to dump someone?) etc. Can't even remember the rest but they were just as stupid excuses.

 

So that was it. The only reason she could come up with was that she didn't feel it anymore. I asked her sister and close BFF if she had told them anything more specific but they said the same. That she had told them she doesn't have feelings for me anymore. (maybe they lied to me too?). She gave no real concrete reasons such as; dealbreakers, wrong actions, cheating, etc. You know, there is always a reason. One does not simply just start losing feelings for someone they loved so much just a few weeks ago.

 

Is that it then? How can someone just lose interest like that? We were going strong. Our relationship was still fresh and everything was pretty much new and exciting.

 

You might have read my earlier posts about my theory of me being her rebound but I've been second quessing everything and doubting if that was the case after all. She showed signs and did things that completely contradict the rebound theory, but I don't know. On the other hand her sudden loss of feelings towards me isn't really explainable in any other way than that she was still hung up on her ex. But if that was the reason you would think she'd take some time off of dating till she has completely gotten over her ex, but she got a new man only 2 weeks after dumping me. I just feel like the closure doesn't satisfy me, there's something more to it.

 

"She got a new man only 2 weeks after dumping me"

 

I think you know why she ended it...

[ThReboundGuy]

"She got a new man only 2 weeks after dumping me"

 

I think you know why she ended it...

 

No, that new man is not the reason. I know for a fact that she met this new man only after our BU. She didn't cheat or overlap.

[Jimmyjackson]

No, that new man is not the reason. I know for a fact that she met this new man only after our BU. She didn't cheat or overlap.

 

How are you so sure?

[ThReboundGuy]

How are you so sure?

 

2 weeks after dumping me she wont on a cruise with her friends. That is where she met this man. Trust me, I know.

[BC1980]

There's not always a clear reason. I struggled with this idea at one point as well. But people do just loose feelings over time. It happens.

[PinkPampies]

Op, don't beat yourself up over it.

 

Sometimes they do lose feelings, especially if they jump into a relationship so soon without healing from their previous breakup.

 

Once you've helped them move on from that breakup (by being there for them, filling the void, making them feel loved etc) they then move on from you because that part of their emotional turmoil is over. You're literally just a band aid for their emotions.

 

I know it's hard to hear, but most people have been through it. Next time, do not get involved with someone so soon after a breakup. It almost always never ends well.