How do I get past these body memories/flashbacks

[Mizz Layta]

I experienced covert Incest from my biological father when i was 15.I wasn't affected* that time and my brain repressed these memories.I started getting these flash backs when i was 22.At that time i confronted him .He said sorry but at that point i no longer had desire to stay in contcat with anymore as i felt strong hatred and resentment towards him for what he did to me.So I cease contact him.

In any event,these flash backs has been coming back and haunt me for years now.They come and linger for were i relive these events then they go away..only to come back months later.Nevertheless,I opened up to my sister and my close friend and they have been supportive.

 

I finally went to see a counseller but i only had 2 sessions because i couldn't afford it.However,i recently found out that they offer free counseller at the college that I'm currently attending so I'll make an apointment soon

 

 

I don't want these memories to come back ,I don't want these flash backs .Is there any way to push them away and block them permanantly ?I was sucidal the other day because i can't live with having these tramautic memories haunt for the rest of my life.Can someone relate

[stillafool]

(((((HUGS))))) Oh Sweetie, I'm so, so sorry that happened to you. Yes try the free counselor at your College. What a bastard! I'm so, so sorry.

[Satu]

snip

I don't want these memories to come back ,I don't want these flash backs .*Is there any way to push them away and block them permanantly ?I was sucidal the other day because i can't live with having these tramautic memories haunt for the rest of my life.Can someone relate

 

Some counselling would be good, but if you can't afford it, there's something else you can do:

 

 

"Scientific evidence supports that journaling provides other unexpected benefits. The act of writing accesses your left brain, which is analytical and rational. While your left brain is occupied, your right brain is free to create, intuit and feel. In sum, writing removes mental blocks and allows you to use all of your brainpower to better understand yourself, others and the world around you. Begin journaling and begin experiencing these benefits:

 

* Clarify your thoughts and feelings. Do you ever seem all jumbled up inside, unsure of what you want or feel? Taking a few minutes to jot down your thoughts and emotions (no editing!) will quickly get you in touch with your internal world.

 

* Know yourself better. By writing routinely you will get to know what makes you feel happy and confident. You will also become clear about situations and people who are toxic for you — important information for your emotional well-being.

 

* Reduce stress. Writing about anger, sadness and other painful emotions helps to release the intensity of these feelings. By doing so you will feel calmer and better able to stay in the present.

 

* Solve problems more effectively. Typically we problem solve from a left-brained, analytical perspective. But sometimes the answer can only be found by engaging right-brained creativity and intuition. Writing unlocks these other capabilities, and affords the opportunity for unexpected solutions to seemingly unsolvable problems.

 

* Resolve disagreements with others. Writing about misunderstandings rather than stewing over them will help you to understand another’s point of view. And you just may come up with a sensible resolution to the conflict.

 

In addition to all of these wonderful benefits, keeping a journal allows you to track patterns, trends and improvement and growth over time. When current circumstances appear insurmountable, you will be able to look back on previous dilemmas that you have since resolved."

 

Source

 

I have a history of heavy trauma, and journalling has helped me a lot.

 

 

Take care.

[Wookin Pa Nub]

Not to get religious but my priest who has counseled countless people over the years has said there a so many people that had terrible things done to them or did terrible things to others. You cannot remove that pain unless you forgive yourself and forgive and pray for the perpetrators. You need to get that anger out of your heart. Otherwise it will stay with you.

[mikeylo]

You need an outlet. Join some kick boxing , gym classes at college.

[truthtripper]

Yes I can relate. I suffered child abuse by my grandfather.

 

Please do not kill yourself. I had suicidal tendencies too. There is an anger deep within you that needs to be expressed. But you need to feel this anger first. It took me a long time for my anger to surface, through counselling and also physical therapy. Being abused as children, we harbour a lot of emotion in our bodies, non-verbal harbouring. We were too young to express/feel in words what was happening to us. My abuse began when I was a baby, so physical therapy has benefited me more than counselling.

 

When our bodies are controlled and used by others, we lose ownership of own bodies/selves. As a result, disassociation is something I have struggled with my whole life. I have been doing a physical therapy called Feldenkrais, which has helped me come back to my body and claim it as my own. If you don't have money for private sessions, there are group classes which are much cheaper.

 

Now I feel the anger, especially when someone has wronged me. The best way to release it is through physical expression, but without hurting anyone or damaging anything that is valuable. I buy old cheap crockery from the second hand shop and throw it onto the concrete ground outside. I love hearing and watching it smash and break into pieces. Very satisfying. Your type of expression will come naturally, when your anger surfaces and this will be when you begin to own your body. Once you own and value yourself for who you are, those suicidal feelings will leave you. Don't let your father win.

 

Hope this helps. Hang in there.

[srah]

Hi truthtripper

 

It appears we are in the same boat. I also experienced covert incest/emotional incest by my father in my teens. I highly recommend Pete Walker's book "Complex PTSD From Surviving to Thriving". Even if you do not have C-PTSD, or relate to the diagnosis, there are sections about emotional flashbacks and how to manage them. The book is discussed on his website: Pete Walker, M.A. Psychotherapy.

 

Here is a PDF of his Emotional Flashback Management sheet: Pete Walker, M.A. Psychotherapy. I keep meaning to print it out and laminate it. I plan to tape pictures of cute baby animals to the back of the sheet since cute animals always lower my stress.

 

What I have found helpful is fully feeling those awful feelings. They are traumatic emotional memories that could not be processed at the time of the abuse. They get stored in the body and eventually come out through depression, rage, illness, addictions, etc. While feeling them intimately is horrible (trust me, it just feels like muddy black clouds) it does help. I have found that allowing myself to just stay home in bed and marinate in the yucky stuff - just knowing that it will pass eventually - has helped my recovery immensely. I have been lucky to have a session with Pete Walker and we talked about this as the main method of healing.

 

Another huge way to heal is to direct that anger toward the abuser, even if you are not talking to him. Examples include: writing a letter expressing your rage, shouting into pillows (or in your car) (or into the ocean), finding a safe person to cry with, attending a grief ritual, etc.

 

I wish you all the health and strength on your road of recovery.

[srah]

This should be a link to the 13 Steps of Flashback Management:

Pete Walker, M.A. Psychotherapy

 

(I meant to address the last post to Mizz Layta.)

Edited March 18, 2017 by srah