understand50 Posted January 17, 2017 Share Posted January 17, 2017 UPDATE: I ate dinner with my wife's mother yesterday, because she wanted to see the children. And she told me that My wife told her that she didn't want to divorce or go to that extreme but she just needed some space, after she already told me it was done. She told both her mom and dad that she's not saying it's over but she needs space. I don't know what to think about this because she's already told me it was done. Is there still a chance? She is living the single life and screwing other men, what more do you need? As for what she told her parents, well she just does not want to admit how bad she is to them. Take her at her word. File. If she is not done with you that will be a big shot across the bow, and get her thinking she must stop her actions now. Divorce her. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted January 17, 2017 Share Posted January 17, 2017 I would take what your wife is saying to you as what she means. Sometimes when we hear things through third parties, it isn't how she really feels because she may fear to tell them (especially her parents) for fear of judgement or making them upset. I agree her parents are probably telling her to give her marriage another chance and she will not want to disappoint them by telling them all the gory details. She tells them what they want to hear. Her mother may also want to give you a chance, so she may be trying to raise your hopes so you do not give up. YOUR wife may indeed be telling the mother there is no hope, but her mother may not want to believe that, so puts her own spin on the situation. If your wife is saying to you, she is done, then you have no option but to believe her. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
aliveagain Posted January 17, 2017 Share Posted January 17, 2017 Friend, believe her actions not what your being told by her parents. Sounds like your being fed crumbs to keep you around as her back up plan in case her boyfriend doesn't commit to leaving his wife. It was fun for him when she was his piece on the side but she's now putting pressure on him to step up. Your wife has baggage(kids). It won't take him long to figure out what divorcing his wife will cost him. Last thing he wants is poverty and more mouths to feed, that's too much reality. POS like him are about sneaking around and getting porn star sex from safe married women, loosing everything isn't part of his agenda. My guess is she's now sensing this and is trying to keep you in the picture until he commits. You need to expose him to his wife(don't let your wife know you are going to do that, just do it, it is still the number one way to kill an affair), the sooner you do that the sooner reality hits and the sooner your wife will be under the bus. Talk to a lawyer, seek out resources available to you through the military, get yourself into independent counselling. You need to switch from reacting to her actions to taking control of your own future, a future that may or may not include her. Taking control makes you look strong and that is a desirable trait, playing the pick me dance gives her control and makes you look weak and that is an undesirable trait. There are things worse then divorce, sharing your wife with other men is one of them. Do not let someone that makes bad decisions decide the fate of your family. Get yourself a VAR(voice activated recorder) and carry it on you anytime you are near her. Google the "180" and make it your new mantra, you need to distance yourself from her while you take control of your life. Sorry you are going through this. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
kgcolonel Posted January 17, 2017 Share Posted January 17, 2017 My suggestion is to go ahead and file for divorce as she has had all the space the globe can provide and you see where that got the marriage. I would also let her parents know that she has been cheating and even more, let you know while you were deployed. If you wife is being honest about not wanting a divorce, it is only due to the benefits she is entitled to as a military wife....btw, who is funding her current lifestyle? One serious question for you....please really think about this: Why would you want to be married to someone like her? Please don't go to the "Because I love her". She has literally kicked you to the curb and threatened you with a RO if you come around.....I know this is not what the military taught you as to how to conduct yourself. Let her go and focus on being the best parent you can possibly be. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted January 17, 2017 Share Posted January 17, 2017 I believe what she told her parents, I bet she doesn't want to divorce. What she wants is for you to just disappear while she test drives the new guy. If it works you're out, you for not then you're back in play. You have been downgraded from spouse to just an option, a backup plan. File for divorce, it's the only way you will know her true intentions, but more importantly it's taking control of your life and future. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted January 17, 2017 Share Posted January 17, 2017 UPDATE: I ate dinner with my wife's mother yesterday, because she wanted to see the children. And she told me that My wife told her that she didn't want to divorce or go to that extreme but she just needed some space, after she already told me it was done. She told both her mom and dad that she's not saying it's over but she needs space. I don't know what to think about this because she's already told me it was done. Is there still a chance? Do they know she's seeing another man? She's playing this a certain way so she doesn't look like the bad guy. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author MilitaryMan Posted January 21, 2017 Author Share Posted January 21, 2017 Thank you for the responses. I'm going to give it 3 months of no contact unless it's about the kids. If she doesn't reach out to me, the I will go the route that I really wanted to avoid. We have to be separated a year where I am at to file. The guy in question is definitely not her type. He is Asian and might be just a friend. I looked up the phone records and she hasn't been talking to this guy, maybe once in a while. Maybe I might be overreacting and being a jealous person but some of her actions are in appropriate. I think she is doing this because she is hurt from what I did. She told her mom that none of this wouldn't of happened if it wasn't for my actions before I deployed.. Link to post Share on other sites
Author MilitaryMan Posted January 21, 2017 Author Share Posted January 21, 2017 I guess I'll play the waiting game and see if she comes back and if it's meant to be or not. I already sought legal advice just in case it goes that right butbin my heart I hope it all works out for the best Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted January 21, 2017 Share Posted January 21, 2017 UPDATE: I ate dinner with my wife's mother yesterday, because she wanted to see the children. And she told me that My wife told her that she didn't want to divorce or go to that extreme but she just needed some space, after she already told me it was done. She told both her mom and dad that she's not saying it's over but she needs space. I don't know what to think about this because she's already told me it was done. Is there still a chance? So do they know there's another man involved? You are being played. Go your own way Link to post Share on other sites
Author MilitaryMan Posted January 21, 2017 Author Share Posted January 21, 2017 They know who he is. They thought he was gay when they met him LOL Link to post Share on other sites
Author MilitaryMan Posted January 21, 2017 Author Share Posted January 21, 2017 They both went to nursing school together Link to post Share on other sites
ScottRe Posted January 21, 2017 Share Posted January 21, 2017 ............... Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted January 22, 2017 Share Posted January 22, 2017 If nothing is going on and he's not her type. .why did she sleep at his house while his wife was away? Shes trying to give her parents hope and not be direct with them. She threatened you with a restraining order. ... she doesn't even like you, never mind love you. Keep all the talk centred around the kids and proceed to D, in your 3 month timeframe. Link to post Share on other sites
Jersey born raised Posted January 22, 2017 Share Posted January 22, 2017 What are the current custody arrangements? They often become permanent. Are you ok with that. Your oldest what is that custody arrangement. Finances and custody: how are they being handled? Now right now find and hire a lawyer and establish what the terms of the divorce will be !!! You don't have to file, just if you do this is how it will be. Go to MC alone. Learn what you need to be a better father and a better husband. This is what a woman who was a second wife wrote about her husband's actions when separated during the waiting period. Read the last sentence "I reaped ...." over and over. Be this guy ! Why improve yourself by the new wife of a BS* As a side note I always find it very interesting when a person is hammering their ex mate so hard for cheating and refuses to accept any responsibility for anything that might have been wrong in the marriage. My husband's exwife cheated on him and left him for the OM. She was pregnant by OM before the divorce was final. When I met him he admitted he knew he'd done things in the marriage which left it vulnerable to an affair.* He didn't condone her affair but he accepted responsibility for his part in the demise of their marriage. That was something I had to respect. He worked on himself, in therapy, while they were separated and divorcing. When she wouldn't go to MC, he went alone, and I have reaped the benefit from that counseling. * ___________________________________________________________ BS be this person. * Link to post Share on other sites
Author MilitaryMan Posted January 22, 2017 Author Share Posted January 22, 2017 I did accept responsibility. I told her that she can have the password to all my accounts and whatever she needed. I was also willing to overlook all the mistakes she made as well. All I asked was both of us to go to marriage counseling to throw it all out on the table so we can see it from both of our prospectives. She refuses, says she's done and to go "Find my dream girl" which I don't want. I understand I'm the one that caused all of it and I did accept responsibility. I just hope that time apart helps us both realize that we where meant for eachother and it also gives her a chance to miss me. Right now I know she is emotionally disconnected but I can only hope right? It seems like the aggressive approach to get my marriage back didn't work. The counselor, parents (Hers) all told me to give her space. Even my wife said before this past week "If it's meant to be that we are together, then it's meant to be" I know nothing in life is guaranteed but if there is no hope, then what do I have left? Link to post Share on other sites
Author MilitaryMan Posted January 23, 2017 Author Share Posted January 23, 2017 I texted the wife today. Told her if she wanted that lifestyles she became customer to when I deployed, to go ahead and file for divorce. Base does it free, so I'm shifting my mind frame on taking care of me and the kids. It's hard to just forget about my marriage but if she isn't trying to make it work, I can't do it by myself 1 Link to post Share on other sites
VeveCakes Posted January 23, 2017 Share Posted January 23, 2017 I guess I'll play the waiting game and see if she comes back and if it's meant to be or not. I already sought legal advice just in case it goes that right butbin my heart I hope it all works out for the best She is definitely dating other men. Are you financially supporting her OP? Link to post Share on other sites
Just a Guy Posted January 28, 2017 Share Posted January 28, 2017 Hi Military Man, what is the update? Hope you are keeping things together. It is a terrible time and I guess you are going through hell fire. Hope it all works out well for you in the end. Live well. That will rouse the interest of your wife in you again. Warm wishes. Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted January 28, 2017 Share Posted January 28, 2017 I texted the wife today. Told her if she wanted that lifestyles she became customer to when I deployed, to go ahead and file for divorce. Base does it free, so I'm shifting my mind frame on taking care of me and the kids. It's hard to just forget about my marriage but if she isn't trying to make it work, I can't do it by myself Why don't you file? It's the quickest way out of limbo either way. Putting your life and future in her hands is the worst thing you can do. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author MilitaryMan Posted January 28, 2017 Author Share Posted January 28, 2017 UPDATE: it's been 18 days since I been back. Found out she is still talking to her "Friends" as I still own the phone account. She said that he doesn't want her and that he is just a friend, that it's my problem. So I ended up calling Verizon and switched her phone off my plan. I revoke access for her to use my GI Bill for school. I additionally asked if she wanted to go through a mediator to process the divorce, as this will be cheaper for both of us. I told her that she was the one who refused to reconcile or attend Marriage Counseling and that I was tired of being dissed and thrown to the side. She can talk to her friends but can't even talk to me. Just waiting for her to respond back. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Gr8fuln2020 Posted January 29, 2017 Share Posted January 29, 2017 So why hasn't she divorced you if she doesn't want you anymore? Is it the military benefits? It doesn't matter who files. She will get something from his military benefits if she gets a good lawyer. Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted January 29, 2017 Share Posted January 29, 2017 Best thing you can do if not you'll just linger while she eats cake. It's a bad situation but waiting will just make it worse. The ones who get strong and go their own way come out of these situations best. "We're just friends" is the biggest lie told. If you haven't figured that out by now. Good luck 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author MilitaryMan Posted January 29, 2017 Author Share Posted January 29, 2017 It doesn't matter who files. She will get something from his military benefits if she gets a good lawyer. It almost seems like you are siding with her Link to post Share on other sites
Gr8fuln2020 Posted January 29, 2017 Share Posted January 29, 2017 It almost seems like you are siding with her Oh, no. Just stating a fact. You are both at fault and need to end this relationship as well as it possibly can be terminated. Link to post Share on other sites
Author MilitaryMan Posted January 30, 2017 Author Share Posted January 30, 2017 After reading Corinthians 7:10-11, the Bible is saying to not give up and that a husband shouldn't leave his wife. Just a ball of emotions now. I was so ready to give up, call it quits the last few days. I know everyone is telling me to give up, move on ect. It's not easy to do when I still have love in my heart for my wife Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts