VeveCakes Posted January 16, 2017 Share Posted January 16, 2017 I forgot to mention during the time he said he was emailing them he said he was having a hard time feeling emotions he felt numb. Since I found out we've been in MC and he's been in IC. He also got on medication for depression. He's been reading self help books and researching as much as he can to make this right and also he's done everything I've asked him too. I don't think he has a burner phone, he has memory issues and he would have slipped up now I believe. He said he's been able to express himself more now and how he's feeling. However, I don't know if it's going to be enough. None of this will change his behavior regarding looking for sex online though. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mikeylo Posted January 16, 2017 Share Posted January 16, 2017 You really want to believe him and save it. Right ? But where was his memory issue when he forgot to tell you about his OW ? You FOUND out. He didn't slip that. Did he ? He remembered to not slip ! Look OP, it's understandable that since you love him ( a bit too much for your own good ) , you will stop respecting him , bit by bit everyday. And before you know it, you will either be in too deep or leave him with indifference UNLESS he proves every second of the day. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted January 16, 2017 Share Posted January 16, 2017 (edited) I'm still not buying the "looking for pictures" thing since his message said he had time and was looking for a hookup. His explanation doesn't jive. If he's lying about that, then he hasn't learned anything and you are still being played. Edited January 16, 2017 by BetrayedH 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted January 16, 2017 Share Posted January 16, 2017 Are you in IC? You may want to work on your need to fix people. Learn to seperate that from your self worth and romantic relationships. Feelingtrapped16, valuable advice. Statements like this: I feel like it's partly my fault because we weren't having as much sex as we use to due to me having some trust issues and holding on to some resentment. ...indicate an unwillingness to enforce healthy boundaries. Your pre-rationalizing his cheating guarantees you'll spend your time in this relationship as a victim of his poor choices. Doesn't sound like a recipe for happiness... Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SweetiePi Posted January 17, 2017 Share Posted January 17, 2017 Feelingtrapped, that statement is alarming. If he changed a lot in those months, yet continued the behaviour, how much more drastic change (months? years?) will it be till he learns to fix his behaviour? I have PTSD, and yes it can mess up the impulse control centre of the brain and cause many problems that need many years of therapy. You can encourage him to seek help and be a good friend to him in that way. However, since you are young and have no children together, I would leave. If you choose to stay and "fix him" (you can't fix people), please consider not getting pregnant in the first year. You might feel very stuck then. Once kids are in the picture, it is not an easy decision. He has changed a lot since the first time he cheated on me when we were dating that's why these emails were such a big shock to me. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ShatteredLady Posted January 17, 2017 Share Posted January 17, 2017 I forgot to mention during the time he said he was emailing them he said he was having a hard time feeling emotions he felt numb. Since I found out we've been in MC and he's been in IC. He also got on medication for depression. He's been reading self help books and researching as much as he can to make this right and also he's done everything I've asked him too. I don't think he has a burner phone, he has memory issues and he would have slipped up now I believe. He said he's been able to express himself more now and how he's feeling. However, I don't know if it's going to be enough. He has "MEMORY ISSUES"!! Are you saying that he forgot that her married you only 2 WEEKS earlier?? PLEASE!! Life can be very long & painful with the wrong partner. I see men who can 'slip-up' & visit prostitutes in the same way as men who arrange quick hook-ups on CL. It's far too easy! It shows a different level of morality. It speaks volumes about how he can objectify women. Once this has been done it's just 'too easy' to do it again when he needs a little stress relief. He has been using women for a long time. Is he using you? He did NOT mention photographs. He asked for quick sex. How do you feel about your husband & his 'friends' begging for 'photographs' as entertainment? What did they do with those pictures? Have you checked all of his mobile devises? Does he still have a collection of these women or was he 'healthy' enough to delete them so you wouldn't find out the truth? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Feelingtrapped16 Posted January 17, 2017 Author Share Posted January 17, 2017 Feelingtrapped, that statement is alarming. If he changed a lot in those months, yet continued the behaviour, how much more drastic change (months? years?) will it be till he learns to fix his behaviour? I have PTSD, and yes it can mess up the impulse control centre of the brain and cause many problems that need many years of therapy. You can encourage him to seek help and be a good friend to him in that way. However, since you are young and have no children together, I would leave. If you choose to stay and "fix him" (you can't fix people), please consider not getting pregnant in the first year. You might feel very stuck then. Once kids are in the picture, it is not an easy decision. I know I can't fix him I just want to be there for him because he never really got help when he got out of the military. He's just now starting to get help. I for sure am not having kids with him anytime soon if I do choose to stay. I'm glad we have counseling tonight because I'm a mess. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SweetiePi Posted January 17, 2017 Share Posted January 17, 2017 He is blessed to have you because you care about him enough to help him get the counselling he needs. I hope counselling goes well for you I know I can't fix him I just want to be there for him because he never really got help when he got out of the military. He's just now starting to get help. I for sure am not having kids with him anytime soon if I do choose to stay. I'm glad we have counseling tonight because I'm a mess. Link to post Share on other sites
BuddyX Posted January 17, 2017 Share Posted January 17, 2017 Just understand that not everyone wants to be helped. This could be all a facade. Keep yours ears up. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
VeveCakes Posted January 17, 2017 Share Posted January 17, 2017 I know I can't fix him I just want to be there for him because he never really got help when he got out of the military. He's just now starting to get help. I for sure am not having kids with him anytime soon if I do choose to stay. I'm glad we have counseling tonight because I'm a mess. Ok so youre helping him, but whats happening to you? You are hurt, unhappy...giving your all to someone who is fishing for sex on CL. The military has the resources to help him, it's his responsibility to take them up on that. Don't waste your life trying to save someone who even if he finds happiness, will still prowl on the internet for sex. PTSD etc does not make you a pig. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BTDT2012 Posted January 17, 2017 Share Posted January 17, 2017 Thank you everyone. Does anyone think that a separation or kicking him out will be a wake up call and make him realize his ways? Or is there absolutely no saving this? He has changed a lot since the first time he cheated on me when we were dating that's why these emails were such a big shock to me. I feel like it's partly my fault because we weren't having as much sex as we use to due to me having some trust issues and holding on to some resentment. Of course he still made a choice to email them. He said he felt good when he came home knowing that he didn't go through with anything. A couple weeks after the emails and before I knew about them, we started having a lot more sex and being more intimate. We both started to feel a lot closer to again and during this time no emails were sent. It is NONE of your fault. Don't even consider it. It is reasonable to have trust issues when trust has been broken. You are young and newly married. My advice is to cut your losses. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Poe77 Posted January 17, 2017 Share Posted January 17, 2017 your only 24 OP your young enough to restart your life with some one who wont take you for granted it will only get harder the longer you allow this to go on and it will go on..why chance pregnancy to this man? even with all the protection in the world it could happen and its not worth it. He wont stop until hes had a serious consequence for his actions hes young enough to learn from it and start over to but dont let him hold you back from being happy in the mean time...if you really need push go read the OM OW sections of these forums and you will get a true gauge of how selfish cereal cheaters really are.. Edit to add since its only been a few month's and hes cheated you might be able to get a annulment even... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
flowergirl14 Posted January 19, 2017 Share Posted January 19, 2017 Have you read any of these cl posts/ads for sex? They are real people on the other end who are looking for real sex. I call b.s. on someone who is looking at it for the pictures. They are looking for a hookup. A quick hookup probably. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Feelingtrapped16 Posted March 17, 2017 Author Share Posted March 17, 2017 Just an update. We've been going to counseling and he got a psychologist and has been seeing him weekly. Husband is saying he has a porn/sex addiction. I knew he would watch porn on occasion but I never had an issue with it as long as it didn't interfere with us being intimate. Turns out he was watching it hours on end after I would go to bed. He would delete his history so I had no idea. He would also watch it anytime he was in the bathroom and sometimes when he was driving! The weird thing is he doesn't really even seem to like what he is watching and would click on something watch 10 - 15 seconds of it and click on something else. He would do this for hours! The psychologist said that it's normal for porn/sex addicts to keep needing to watch more and more because they become "numb" to it and that it will cause them to start seeking out other women. The psychologist gave him some homework to work on and things to do to quit watching the porn and he hasn't been doing any of it. In fact the same day that they came up with this plan he came home and watched it as soon as he got home. It's crazy it's like he can't stop. I told him I can't do this anymore and I have an appointment with a laywer today to start the process for a dissolution or annulment. His mom is making me feel horrible and said I will regret this forever and told me I should be doing everything I can to make myself more desirable than the porn/other women! I told her this has nothing to do with me as he been doing the Craigslist thing since 2013 before he even knew me. I just need some advice. He's saying he doesn't want to get a divorce and that he's working on himself but I can't handle it anymore. I feel really horrible getting a divorce but I don't see any other options. I feel like he's not even trying to stop. Sorry this post is all over the place. Link to post Share on other sites
VeveCakes Posted March 17, 2017 Share Posted March 17, 2017 His mother is a horrible woman. HORRIBLE. How dare she say that to you. If your husband is serious and you want to make it work I would lay out these rules. No more internet or phone. You will have to sacrifice the internet at your home too, but that is the only way he will actually stop or lessen the porn. Without internet, he won't have such easy access. Personally, my ex H was also addicted but not to this extent. We had many many discussions on him quitting and he just never could. It was one reason we divorced. I would personally bail but that's me. I find porn addictions disgusting to say the least. Sit him down and make him watch the documentary about porn stars on Netflix too. Makes them see the real side of porn and might shake his conscious a bit. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
aileD Posted March 17, 2017 Share Posted March 17, 2017 If you love him and think the relationship can work if he breaks the addiction, then perhaps a separation would be good to give him some time to work on HIS problem. We don't always have to rush to file divorce. You can if you want but sometimes it's a knee jerk reaction. It's always good to sit on things for awhile before you make huge life changing decisions I am not supporting him at all or defending him. I'm just telling you it doesn't have to be all or nothing right now, that you can separate and figure things out when it's calmer and not in the middle of chaos Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted March 17, 2017 Share Posted March 17, 2017 I just need some advice. He's saying he doesn't want to get a divorce and that he's working on himself but I can't handle it anymore. I feel really horrible getting a divorce but I don't see any other options. I feel like he's not even trying to stop. Sorry this post is all over the place. Yeah, he sure is... The psychologist gave him some homework to work on and things to do to quit watching the porn and he hasn't been doing any of it. In fact the same day that they came up with this plan he came home and watched it as soon as he got home. It's crazy it's like he can't stop. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted March 17, 2017 Share Posted March 17, 2017 Watch this. It may explain some things for you about internet porn use - Link to post Share on other sites
springy Posted March 17, 2017 Share Posted March 17, 2017 Just an update. We've been going to counseling and he got a psychologist and has been seeing him weekly. Husband is saying he has a porn/sex addiction. I knew he would watch porn on occasion but I never had an issue with it as long as it didn't interfere with us being intimate. Turns out he was watching it hours on end after I would go to bed. He would delete his history so I had no idea. He would also watch it anytime he was in the bathroom and sometimes when he was driving! The weird thing is he doesn't really even seem to like what he is watching and would click on something watch 10 - 15 seconds of it and click on something else. He would do this for hours! The psychologist said that it's normal for porn/sex addicts to keep needing to watch more and more because they become "numb" to it and that it will cause them to start seeking out other women. The psychologist gave him some homework to work on and things to do to quit watching the porn and he hasn't been doing any of it. In fact the same day that they came up with this plan he came home and watched it as soon as he got home. It's crazy it's like he can't stop. This is a very difficult addiction to reign in. He will have to be 100% committed; as it is a lifetime of managing the triggers and temptations. How do you know he hasn't been watching porn or cruising CL ads? He was doing it before and you didn't know. Has he consented to/installed some sort of accountability software...(actually I guess you can't do that on a smart phone). Idk, OP, it is entirely up to you to give it a try but there should be some form of checks and balances. If he is weak and/or not truly committed to managing this he will just get better at hiding it. I'm sorry. I've been there. Wouldn't ever attempt to do it again. I'm not sure how you build trust in a situation like this, as there are so many ways he could indulge without your knowledge. Again, sorry you are going through this. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
VeveCakes Posted March 17, 2017 Share Posted March 17, 2017 This is a very difficult addiction to reign in. He will have to be 100% committed; as it is a lifetime of managing the triggers and temptations. How do you know he hasn't been watching porn or cruising CL ads? He was doing it before and you didn't know. Has he consented to/installed some sort of accountability software...(actually I guess you can't do that on a smart phone). Idk, OP, it is entirely up to you to give it a try but there should be some form of checks and balances. If he is weak and/or not truly committed to managing this he will just get better at hiding it. I'm sorry. I've been there. Wouldn't ever attempt to do it again. I'm not sure how you build trust in a situation like this, as there are so many ways he could indulge without your knowledge. Again, sorry you are going through this. Actually she said in her recent post he WAS still watching it every chance he got. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BTDT2012 Posted March 17, 2017 Share Posted March 17, 2017 I told him I can't do this anymore and I have an appointment with a laywer today to start the process for a dissolution or annulmentHis mom is making me feel horrible and said I will regret this forever and told me I should be doing everything I can to make myself more desirable than the porn/other women! His mom is an idiot. Keep your appointment. He wasn't honest with you, and you would never have married his knowing this. I am so sorry you are going through this. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Feelingtrapped16 Posted March 17, 2017 Author Share Posted March 17, 2017 How do you know he hasn't been watching porn or cruising CL ads? He was doing it before and you didn't know. Has he consented to/installed some sort of accountability software...(actually I guess you can't do that on a smart phone). Idk, OP, it is entirely up to you to give it a try but there should be some form of checks and balances. If he is weak and/or not truly committed to managing this he will just get better at hiding it. He is still watching porn. When I first found out about the Craigslist thing he agreed to let me put restrictions on his phone to block Craigslist and sites like it. It's basically doesn't let him go to any adult site unless it's on the allowed list. Well, at the time I didn't realize he was addicted to porn so I also allowed some porn sites so he could watch it if he wanted and that way I figured at least he wouldn't be out running around. Since his phone has restrictions on it it doesn't allow him to use incognito mode or clear his browser history so only then did I realize how much he was compulsively watching porn and then he finally confessed and said he thinks he's addicted to it. I guess I could change it now and remove all the porn websites so he couldn't access them but then he would probably just use my computer or find another way. Also I want to see that he's actually trying to quit watching it and not just feel like he only quit watching it because I blocked everything. The trust is just completely gone and I feel like it's getting worse the more time goes on. I caught him doing it the other day and he already had his lies planned about how he wasn't watching porn he was just listening to music. (He always has his head phones out when he's watching it because he doesn't want me to hear it) He had the music site pulled up and paused on the very first song. Finally 20 minutes later he said "Okay..maybe I was watching porn." I hate this, normally I wouldn't care about porn but he's completely addicted to it and it's starting to repulse me. I woke up in the middle of the night and found him watching it in the living room and he wasn't even aroused, just half heartedly stroking it like it wasn't even interesting to him. Link to post Share on other sites
VeveCakes Posted March 17, 2017 Share Posted March 17, 2017 Like I said, the only way to combat this is to remove the internet, smart phone and apparently tv. Drastic but that is the only way to stop it now. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Feelingtrapped16 Posted March 18, 2017 Author Share Posted March 18, 2017 Like I said, the only way to combat this is to remove the internet, smart phone and apparently tv. Drastic but that is the only way to stop it now. I agree but at this point is it even worth it? Looking back now I feel like the entire time I've known him has been nothing but cheating and lies. I can't even stomach the thought of him touching me anymore. I gave him a second chance after he cheated on me the first time and I thought things were going good until it turns out 2 weeks into the marriage he is soliciting 55 year old women on Craigslist! I feel like our relationship is worse today than it was the day I found the emails because now he's just lying and watching porn compulsively. We went to a lawyer yesterday and things were going good and agreeable until my husband mentioned he didn't want to divorce and he's only doing it because I want to. Then the lawyer asked what was going on and basically said I'm compouding the problem (his porn addiction) because I'm not having sex with him anymore. I about lost my ****. I brought up that even before when we were having sex all the time he was still seeking out other women and that this is a problem with HIM not me and he was doing it years before he even knew me. Him cheating and lying to me all the time has completely killed my desire for him and I think it's pretty normal for me to not want to have sex with him anymore?! I mean am I crazy?! I have another appointment on Wednesday with a different laywer and I guess I'll just file for divorce and forget the dissolution. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted March 18, 2017 Share Posted March 18, 2017 You are not crazy. His behavior would kill any intimacy in any relationship. I would also be looking for another lawyer - that kind of advice was unsolicited. Link to post Share on other sites
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