Life AFTER Infidelity

[Whoknew30]

Agreed WhoKnew30 in general but not in the specifics.

 

Perhaps you won the 800 million lotto but few of us do.

 

Conquer and whonew30, tiggers how have you dealt with them? Have you and your spouse set boundaries, if so what are they?

 

Conquer, thank you for your last couple of posts. They begin to answer my questions about what you experienced after DDay please continue to do so. Also more derail on how your fought though it?

 

Be Well

 

Honestly, the only trigger was the first time I ran into ExOM, brought it all back as soon as I saw his face but once we talked & went our separate ways, it was fine. I didn't/don't trigger at all when I see his ExOW...there's really not many triggers for me, if there is for him he doesn't speak about it but I don't think there is for him.

 

My H & I don't have any set boundaries, we just go by basic respect & logic.

[Jersey born raised]

A cautional tale. I read a thread by a FWW. She had an adulterous relationship 10 years ago. She two sons, both her husbands one 15 one six.

She thought they had completely reconcile and her husband happy. She believed the marriage wad amazing for both of them and they where very comminted to each other. She was at a work party, got drunk, and let a guy she thought was cute but was not going to pursue kiss her. She stopped went home. The next day she discussed it with her husband. She viewed what happened as troubling but not a deal breaker.

 

He stopped her, thank her for being honest but he was divorcing her. That dispite what she thought he never healed and had decided two years previously to divorce when his younger son turned 18. Yes, she did the right thing and if he had healed he could accept it as a bump in the road but he had not. Since his son 16 and a divorce took a year minimum he wanted to file now and have an in house separation. He would prefer neither dated but if she was discrete he would understand and could live with it.

 

So he detached and never reattached. Why didnt she noticed? In hind sight she saw the red flags and the reasons why. In reading on boards and reading books she now knew SHE did it all wrong. That she didn't listen to her husband and refused to reconcile but rather rugsweep in the worst possible way. She never allowed him to discuss it with her rather told him the past is the past focus on now and the future. She refused to be transparent, etc, etc.

Yes she became the perfect wife ten years ago but that did not change how they "reconciled".

 

She was desperate for advise. That if she knew then what she knew now they would not be divorcing. To make a long story short she started posting three months into the waiting period though six months then dirfited of. He was friendly and from outside the marriage it looked the same but refused to engage her.

 

Thank you for all the additional information conquer. It does seem like your story will not echo her's. Mrs Adams strongly recommends reconciling to the day one spouses passes. That it is a must to continue to build a better marriage every day.

 

Be well and please continue to flesh out your reconcilation and sharing jounery forward.

 

Jersey

[Jersey born raised]

Sorry editing is difficult on my iPad. I should have added my personal conclusion. For the husband his marriage turned into a really nice FWB with great benefits. Why his sons where growing up it was the idea relationship as anything else would harm his sons.

[ShatteredLady]

Thank you for sharing that you wanted to runaway & disappear!!

 

My husband did the same. He'd even planned a 'career', almost like the movie The Shining but him alone. I've been focused on the fact that if he had gone through with it I would have been left destitute in a foreign country. I would have lost the house, received no child support, no government aid because I'm foreign etc.

 

Amongst ALL the other awful things, this was a major contributor to my PTSD. It made me realize how completely vulnerable I was. It was terrifying! I saw it as proof of how little he cared for me or our children. Reading your perspective on 'dissapearing' has helped me a lot.

[ShatteredLady]

Let's forget for a moment my husband's recent affair.

 

As a bs 12 years ago I DID completely 'get over it'. Honestly!! In those years we had our 2 children, his mother died, my brother took his life etc. I'm not recommending that couples go through these things as part of the reconciliation process but it does REALLY help!

 

Until he did it all to me AGAIN with the same woman I was blissfully happy in my marriage. The subject was raised over the years BY HIM & it seemed like honest remorse.

 

I used to wax lyrical about how great my husband was, what a fantastic little family we were. A BS can recover. I held NO resentments. It is possible!

[Mrs. John Adams]

A cautional tale. I read a thread by a FWW. She had an adulterous relationship 10 years ago. She two sons, both her husbands one 15 one six.

She thought they had completely reconcile and her husband happy. She believed the marriage wad amazing for both of them and they where very comminted to each other. She was at a work party, got drunk, and let a guy she thought was cute but was not going to pursue kiss her. She stopped went home. The next day she discussed it with her husband. She viewed what happened as troubling but not a deal breaker.

 

He stopped her, thank her for being honest but he was divorcing her. That dispite what she thought he never healed and had decided two years previously to divorce when his younger son turned 18. Yes, she did the right thing and if he had healed he could accept it as a bump in the road but he had not. Since his son 16 and a divorce took a year minimum he wanted to file now and have an in house separation. He would prefer neither dated but if she was discrete he would understand and could live with it.

 

So he detached and never reattached. Why didnt she noticed? In hind sight she saw the red flags and the reasons why. In reading on boards and reading books she now knew SHE did it all wrong. That she didn't listen to her husband and refused to reconcile but rather rugsweep in the worst possible way. She never allowed him to discuss it with her rather told him the past is the past focus on now and the future. She refused to be transparent, etc, etc.

Yes she became the perfect wife ten years ago but that did not change how they "reconciled".

 

She was desperate for advise. That if she knew then what she knew now they would not be divorcing. To make a long story short she started posting three months into the waiting period though six months then dirfited of. He was friendly and from outside the marriage it looked the same but refused to engage her.

 

Thank you for all the additional information conquer. It does seem like your story will not echo her's. Mrs Adams strongly recommends reconciling to the day one spouses passes. That it is a must to continue to build a better marriage every day.

 

Be well and please continue to flesh out your reconcilation and sharing jounery forward.

 

Jersey

 

I believe in reconciliation...however...there are cases...that i do recommend divorce. So this statement is not really true. Divorce is often times the absolute correct answer for couples.

 

None of us can make that call for others of course....I encourage reconciliation if the couple WANTS it...and if the couple is committed to working toward it.

 

If you have a wayward spouse for example....who does not become transparent...who refuses to seek therapy...who will not communicate with the betrayed....why waste your time? This person clearly does not desire reconciliation....and reconciliation takes two people.

[understand50]

I believe in reconciliation...however...there are cases...that i do recommend divorce. So this statement is not really true. Divorce is often times the absolute correct answer for couples.

 

None of us can make that call for others of course....I encourage reconciliation if the couple WANTS it...and if the couple is committed to working toward it.

 

If you have a wayward spouse for example....who does not become transparent...who refuses to seek therapy...who will not communicate with the betrayed....why waste your time? This person clearly does not desire reconciliation....and reconciliation takes two people.

 

I would like to add to Mrs J.A, that you first must have a repentant WS willing to work hard and find out how to reconcile, and proceed to do so. We have a good "list" of actions and behaviors, to judge by. There is a second side of the coin, the Betrayed Spouse (BS), must also want to truly reconcile, and be open to the changes and proof by actions from the WS. Reconciliation is just hard work, as is marriage in general, and both sides must work at it.

 

A BS, must hold the WS to a high standard, insist that they follow though by verifiable actions, and recognize when the WS has made progress. Finally there must be good, honest, and open communication between both.

 

My two cents...

[road]

A cautional tale. I read a thread by a FWW. She had an adulterous relationship 10 years ago. She two sons, both her husbands one 15 one six.

She thought they had completely reconcile and her husband happy. She believed the marriage wad amazing for both of them and they where very comminted to each other. She was at a work party, got drunk, and let a guy she thought was cute but was not going to pursue kiss her. She stopped went home. The next day she discussed it with her husband. She viewed what happened as troubling but not a deal breaker.

 

He stopped her, thank her for being honest but he was divorcing her. That dispite what she thought he never healed and had decided two years previously to divorce when his younger son turned 18. Yes, she did the right thing and if he had healed he could accept it as a bump in the road but he had not. Since his son 16 and a divorce took a year minimum he wanted to file now and have an in house separation. He would prefer neither dated but if she was discrete he would understand and could live with it.

 

So he detached and never reattached. Why didnt she noticed? In hind sight she saw the red flags and the reasons why. In reading on boards and reading books she now knew SHE did it all wrong. That she didn't listen to her husband and refused to reconcile but rather rugsweep in the worst possible way. She never allowed him to discuss it with her rather told him the past is the past focus on now and the future. She refused to be transparent, etc, etc.

Yes she became the perfect wife ten years ago but that did not change how they "reconciled".

 

She was desperate for advise. That if she knew then what she knew now they would not be divorcing. To make a long story short she started posting three months into the waiting period though six months then dirfited of. He was friendly and from outside the marriage it looked the same but refused to engage her.

 

Thank you for all the additional information conquer. It does seem like your story will not echo her's. Mrs Adams strongly recommends reconciling to the day one spouses passes. That it is a must to continue to build a better marriage every day.

 

Be well and please continue to flesh out your reconcilation and sharing jounery forward.

 

Jersey

 

Not only did she not learn how to recover from an affair she did not learn how to have proper boundaries after her affair.

 

 

Still going to parties without her husband.

Still going out drinking, getting drunk, without her BH.

Still flirting with men.

[Whoknew30]

A cautional tale. I read a thread by a FWW. She had an adulterous relationship 10 years ago. She two sons, both her husbands one 15 one six.

She thought they had completely reconcile and her husband happy. She believed the marriage wad amazing for both of them and they where very comminted to each other. She was at a work party, got drunk, and let a guy she thought was cute but was not going to pursue kiss her. She stopped went home. The next day she discussed it with her husband. She viewed what happened as troubling but not a deal breaker.

 

He stopped her, thank her for being honest but he was divorcing her. That dispite what she thought he never healed and had decided two years previously to divorce when his younger son turned 18. Yes, she did the right thing and if he had healed he could accept it as a bump in the road but he had not. Since his son 16 and a divorce took a year minimum he wanted to file now and have an in house separation. He would prefer neither dated but if she was discrete he would understand and could live with it.

 

So he detached and never reattached. Why didnt she noticed? In hind sight she saw the red flags and the reasons why. In reading on boards and reading books she now knew SHE did it all wrong. That she didn't listen to her husband and refused to reconcile but rather rugsweep in the worst possible way. She never allowed him to discuss it with her rather told him the past is the past focus on now and the future. She refused to be transparent, etc, etc.

Yes she became the perfect wife ten years ago but that did not change how they "reconciled".

 

She was desperate for advise. That if she knew then what she knew now they would not be divorcing. To make a long story short she started posting three months into the waiting period though six months then dirfited of. He was friendly and from outside the marriage it looked the same but refused to engage her.

 

Thank you for all the additional information conquer. It does seem like your story will not echo her's. Mrs Adams strongly recommends reconciling to the day one spouses passes. That it is a must to continue to build a better marriage every day.

 

Be well and please continue to flesh out your reconcilation and sharing jounery forward.

 

Jersey

 

He gave her chance, she blew it. That kiss was the straw for him.

 

Reconciliation (IMO) can really only happen once, anything after is enabling it.

[road]

He gave her chance, she blew it. That kiss was the straw for him.

 

Reconciliation (IMO) can really only happen once, anything after is enabling it.

 

There was no recovery there just was rug sweeping.

[Jersey born raised]

My point in sharing the story is that it does not seem to be the case with conquerer. Yes, her marriage appears to ge healing quickly which gives pause to raise questions. Yet, many of the events and emotions are present. Hence my belief that while events unfold quickly, her marriage is healing unlike my example.

 

Conquerer, stay strong in the direction you have choosen. Do not assume things will be ok now. Make them be ok. Children hope, adults plan and make it happen. What new boundaries and new habits developed have you and your husband developed? How are both of you individually and jointly actively seeking to grow your marriage.

 

Beware the leathal plain of flatness.

 

Also looking way ahead what will the two of you do when you become empty nesters?

Edited January 16, 2017 by Jersey born raised

[WilyWill]

That she didn't listen to her husband and refused to reconcile but rather rugsweep in the worst possible way. She never allowed him to discuss it with her rather told him the past is the past focus on now and the future. She refused to be transparent, etc, etc.

Yes she became the perfect wife ten years ago but that did not change how they "reconciled".

 

 

Shhh... didn't you read the other comments on the thread? You're only supposed to say nice stuff to the OP and give her pats on the back. Heaven forbid that you let some reality creep in.

[understand50]

Shhh... didn't you read the other comments on the thread? You're only supposed to say nice stuff to the OP and give her pats on the back. Heaven forbid that you let some reality creep in.

 

WilyWill,

 

They are hiving their 4th child, looks like the gift from the BS is real and they are both trying. Sure, if she steps over a line, he may divorce her. Hopefully she will not, and after her coming close to losing her husband, I would say the odds are low she would. Yes, there are odds, but I would not bet against her. Nor would I bet against several other WS here on Loveshack that have "gotten" it.

 

Not every husband is going to consider the marriage a FWB arrangement, and count the days to divorce, when the kids are old enough. Some of us, are serious, when we give the gift of a second chance. Yeah it sucks sometimes, but we forgive, and then try and build a life going forward.

 

Sure, Conqueror, will have to work twice as hard, as will her husband, to keep things on a even keel. Just ask Mr & Mrs J.A. Ask me. Ask many others who post on Love shack. Marriage in general is hard work, and even if nothing had occurred, they will both have to work at it. That is reality. What the future will bring, they will find out, but right now things are going well and things are look up. Infidelity, is a thing that never really leaves, just gets put in abeyance. There will be other crisis for them to overcome, and there past will weigh on their actions, but hopefully, the reconciliation will go on, and grow and they will meet what ever they need to meet.

 

There can be reconciliation if both spouses want it, and then work hard at it. Your love for one another can grow. I think the two biggest things, are communication, and the want and working to learn what to do and then applying that knowledge to your situation. Rug sweeping, not changing, not exploring remorse, not learning form the past, is what kills the marriage in the end.

 

I wish them luck......

[WilyWill]

She would do well to keep a close eye on her husband's emotions and continue to build on whatever she's been doing right so far. Positive thinking and a few pats on the back just might not be enough for a lasting reconciliation.

[Joie]

It is nice to hear a reconciliation that is going well.

[Mr. Lucky]

It is not wise to build a house on sand instead of a foundation. It is not wise to become pregnant when trying to rebuild a marriage after an affair before the recovery foundation is in place.

 

She did say the pregnancy was accidental. As they say, life is what happens in between plans to do other things.

 

I completely understand what you are saying Will, which is why I make sure that I keep an open line of communication with him. From time to time we do talk about the A and how he is feeling, though he doesn't really like to talk about it. I do apologize from time to time but he doesn't like me doing that either, as he has already forgiven me and we have both decided to put the past behind us. I know that he thinks about it from time to time and he even told me that there are things that he still struggles with. But he doesn't torture me with it. He is all about focusing on the future.

 

Sounds like you understand it's still early in the game. I look at it this way - if you're going to hit a home run, the ball has to have a positive trajectory as it passes over first base.

 

Hope you touch 'em all ...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Zenstudent]

OP, I find it very encouraging to read that your husband is in a great place, even a better person than pre-affair.

 

I hope he knows just how lucky he is.

 

I think that most of us can testify, that relationships change after infidelity, very much indeed. But only in very rare cases for the better. From a BS perspective, that is.

[understand50]

OP, I find it very encouraging to read that your husband is in a great place, even a better person than pre-affair.

 

I hope he knows just how lucky he is.

 

I think that most of us can testify, that relationships change after infidelity, very much indeed. But only in very rare cases for the better. From a BS perspective, that is.

 

It is never better. The marriage may get the hard work on that it has needed from before the infidelity, but it is not better because, of the infidelity, but in spite of it. Things will never be the same, and the relationship will always have this against it. A BS, can decide to consciously work on the marriage, and hence communication, love and commitment may increase, but the cost paid is huge, and you must keep paying.

 

As much as Conqueror, and her husband is doing well, this will always be with them.

 

I wish them luck......

[BTDT2012]

It is never better. The marriage may get the hard work on that it has needed from before the infidelity, but it is not better because, of the infidelity, but in spite of it. Things will never be the same, and the relationship will always have this against it. A BS, can decide to consciously work on the marriage, and hence communication, love and commitment may increase, but the cost paid is huge, and you must keep paying.

 

As much as Conqueror, and her husband is doing well, this will always be with them.

 

I wish them luck......

 

I agree with you so much. We will never be what we were before betrayal. My marriage is not better. it is different.

[katielee]

I think I can honestly say that mine is better. But too big of a price to pay. But if I'm paying this price I'm sure as heck gonna enjoy it.

Of course I'm saying this from Cozumel!

[drifter777]

IMO - having a baby so soon after beginning reconciliation was/is a horrible idea. I guess once you got pregnant it was too late but not using birth control in your situation was/is reckless.

 

Your husband just rugswept your affair. Maybe it will work for him in that he can keep it compartmentalized and locked away in the back of his mind. I hope this is the case for everyone's sake.

[Conqueror]

Not against having kids.

Not against recovering a marriage after an affair.

I am against getting pregnant 3 months after D day.

 

 

It takes two to five years to recover from an affair. Recovery for many

does not even start at three months out from D day. Then to ignore

that many BS's a year or two or even three years from D day say they

tried but they can't recover from the infidelity and file for a divorce.

 

 

It is not wise to build a house on sand instead of a foundation. It is not

wise to become pregnant when trying to rebuild a marriage after an

affair before the recovery foundation is in place.

 

 

Glad you and your BH have stayed together and hope things continue

to go well.

 

 

I understand what you're saying but we didn't get pregnant 3 months after dday. By the time I discovered I was pregnant, it was about 1 1/2 years after dday.

[Conqueror]

Not against having kids.

Not against recovering a marriage after an affair.

I am against getting pregnant 3 months after D day.

 

 

It takes two to five years to recover from an affair. Recovery for many

does not even start at three months out from D day. Then to ignore

that many BS's a year or two or even three years from D day say they

tried but they can't recover from the infidelity and file for a divorce.

 

 

It is not wise to build a house on sand instead of a foundation. It is not

wise to become pregnant when trying to rebuild a marriage after an

affair before the recovery foundation is in place.

 

 

Glad you and your BH have stayed together and hope things continue

to go well.

 

 

I understand what you're saying but we didn't get pregnant 3 months after dday. By the time I discovered I was pregnant, it was about 1 1/2 years after dday.

[Conqueror]

Drifter, oh he didn't rugsweep it. He wanted details and I had to be very transparent with him once I confessed. Then we knew we had a long road ahead of us. We continue to work on ourselves and our marriage and being the best that we can be. It has been almost 2 whole years since Dday. May marks 2 years.

[Conqueror]

I remember your story, that is great. Congrats.

 

I will say my A ended the same time yours did. Everything moved a lot slower on my end in terms of my marriage healing but we are in a much better place than a year ago. I can't lie though, I don't have all those rosy sunshine feelings you do, maybe it will take me more time. It has nothing to do with my husband or my marriage, I'm just not the same person I was before. It's not just in my head, my friends have said I am different.

 

My H and still talk a lot about it and I would not say it's all better yet. Our whole view of marriage and commitment have changed entirely. I didn't have any magical eurika moment in my life. An affair is like a cancer and the recovery is like the chemo. When you are done, you're just not the same as you were before. You are happy to be alive but you have lost that innocence of what life is like before the cancer. On the positive side, you appreciate every day because you never know when it could be your last.

 

I was revisiting my old thread and wanted to see how you and your husband are doing, Midnight Blue.