would you date someone who told you that they had severe OCD, anxiety and depression?

[lana-banana]

About 1 in 5 Americans are struggling with mental illness every day. For the vast majority of them it's temporary or well-controlled. No, I wouldn't cut my dating pool by 20% just because of that. However, OP, your conditions sound debilitating and even a little like a crutch. It sounds like you're all too willing to be defined by your mental health.

 

Rather than just throw up your hands and say "I have all these severe issues, oh well", why not start treatment? I don't mean meds, I mean doing CBT day in and day out until your anxiety is under control, sticking to a strict exercise and sleep schedule, getting DBT workbooks to understand all the ins and outs of your emotions. Your conditions don't have to be permanent, but you need to start intensive work now, because the longer those unhealthy neural pathways operate the more damage they'll do.

 

Remember: the world is full of people who are far, far more messed up than you are, but they have no easily diagnosed problems and never seek help. Why let them have all the fun?

Edited January 12, 2017 by lana-banana

[LoveFiend]

Most people would probably say no to dating someone with everything you described even though they may have a lot baggage about themselves they prefer to keep to themselves. So not a good idea to reveal this right from the start.

 

A friend of mine does family/marriage/relationship counseling. Some very good advice he gave me is somethings your better off not telling your partner till later down the road.

 

The more baggage you throw out on the plate the heavier it is for the other partner to carry. You want to really not bring up what your carrying in your luggage till the partner is attached to you and been with you a while.

 

Some stuff is better not said till much later like when married, if you can hide it until then. At that point they are kind of stuck with you.

 

There is a tendancy to think the more open you are and the more negative things you tell someone about yourself the better the relationship will be, but this really is faulty thinking.

 

Dating is like marketing a product, yourself. Just like a job interview. A lot things you want to keep to yourself till you have been with a partner a long time. Just like you don't want to reveal to a potential employer weaknesses of yours till after your hired and have been working for the company for a while. They have put too much investment into you at that stage. Hard things to say in a relationship are better left said at a later date when the partner has already spent a lot of time and energy into the relationship, like many months later.

 

The more time and energy someone puts into something the harder it is for them to let go. So after the partner has put a lot of time and energy into the relationship it will be much harder for them to let go, especially after many months of sex and intimacy.

Edited January 12, 2017 by LoveFiend

[KatZee]

I would also have to go with no.

 

My mother has never been officially diagnosed but she has a whole host of problems and I'm convinced is bi-polar. She actively uses xanax and sleeping medication.

 

Any one little thing can set her off into a complete meltdown. I don't know how my father deals with it. The second I was able to move out I did, but I still have anxiety when I have to deal with her, or if she starts going off around me.

 

I attempted to date someone recently who has anxiety/panic and has been in treatment for these things and ptsd. He relies too heavily on alcohol, and the anxiety/panic affected us too much where it was an unhealthy relationship.

 

As people have stated, relationships are hard work as is, without adding mental illness to the mix which can make healthy people spiral into unhealthy behaviors. This is my case. Unhealthy people pull me down with them and I need to stay away.

[Dis]

Hey girly!

 

I'm not going to lie...a little part of me is frustrated because you seem to be continuing your pattern (that hasnt worked for you) of talking to guys, just talking, for far too long and then being too anxious to meet

 

Which brings me to your title, if your issues were well managed, you wouldnt have a problem talking to these guys for a few days then promtly meeting up. Which brings me to your question. Yes, I do think that men (and women) have a problem with dating someone whos mental illness(s) are not well managed as these illnesses can have a signifcant impact on your relationships with these men

 

I have bipolar, but I havent had a significant symptom in 7 years, my diagnosis has no bearing on my relationships. When I told my past bf's about it they didnt even blink an eye because they could see I'm no longer effected by it. Its not something that would cause detriment to my relationships with them so its a moot point

 

I think you need to continue with your treatments and until your illnesses are very well managed before you continue down this road. Insanity is repeating the same behavior and expecting different results. Your results in dating (or 'making friends' through dating apps) continues to be negative

 

Like I said in a previous thread of yours...its time to take a break...work on yourself...then get back out there

 

Another obstacle in your dating life that needs to be remedied before you can date successfully...are you still living with your ex?

[BlueRidgeMT]

OP, first you absolutely did the right thing by telling him. He has the right to know as that can affect the relationship, and it is something he would have to be willing to deal with.

 

Next, I have had mild depression and anxiety myself. Depression; you would never know it. Anxiety; people just know that I'm a bit uncomfortable if I have to mingle with people I don't know. (but then, so are a lot of people).

 

I would need to know just how severe your issues are. You did say you had 'SEVERE' OCD. So..for me, I would have to see just what things make you 'tick' so to speak.

 

I'm the type that tries to be understanding, so if you weren't REAL bad, maybe. But...I would have concerns

[ExpatInItaly]

You did the right thing telling him, OP. He probably figured something was up and it best that you told him so at least he has some answers.

 

You say you manage it for the most part, yet it's obviously having an affect on you since you keep putting off meeting him. So, it is evident that in these early stages of getting to know someone, your conditions do indeed surface.

 

To answer your question, I would find it difficult to move forward with someone who suffers and is not being treated in some way or who struggles to manage their condition(s). From his perspective, you two haven't even met and there are already difficulties. That to me would indicate that an intimate relationship probably wouldn't be viable, to be honest.

[kassy]

I wouldn't date you, mainly because you seem unable to actually meet him at all. I think it was great you felt comfortable enough to tell him... The problem is you didn't give him a chance to meet you and decide if knowing you these are issues and levels at which he can cope with.

 

Like others I suggest working on yourself to the point where you can meet someone in real life and get to know them and then feel comfortable enough to discuss this in person.

 

Think of this as a manageable problem and what you need to do now is find a way to build a bridge to what you want. Lots of people have mental illness to one degree or another, it doesn't mean you can't have fulfilling and loving relationships. But unless you get yourself in a place where this is possible then you aren't giving yourself a fair chance. You need to decide that you want to get better and make that the priority for now. Best of luck

[5x5]

Most people would probably say no to dating someone with everything you described even though they may have a lot baggage about themselves they prefer to keep to themselves. So not a good idea to reveal this right from the start.

 

Actually most people aren't so afflicted, so they tend to prefer having relationships with healthy people rather than unhealthy people.

 

A friend of mine does family/marriage/relationship counseling. Some very good advice he gave me is somethings your better off not telling your partner till later down the road.

 

Nonsense!

 

The more baggage you throw out on the plate the heavier it is for the other partner to carry. You want to really not bring up what your carrying in your luggage till the partner is attached to you and been with you a while.

 

Some stuff is better not said till much later like when married, if you can hide it until then. At that point they are kind of stuck with you.

 

Hardly stuck, I divorced mine and replaced her with women who weren't so afflicted and evidently had integrity as well.

 

There is a tendancy to think the more open you are and the more negative things you tell someone about yourself the better the relationship will be, but this really is faulty thinking.

 

Having the integrity and decency to afford the people one supposedly loves or harbour affection for, the right to informed self determination is not faulty thinking.

 

Dating is like marketing a product, yourself. Just like a job interview. A lot things you want to keep to yourself till you have been with a partner a long time. Just like you don't want to reveal to a potential employer weaknesses of yours till after your hired and have been working for the company for a while. They have put too much investment into you at that stage. Hard things to say in a relationship are better left said at a later date when the partner has already spent a lot of time and energy into the relationship, like many months later.

 

The more time and energy someone puts into something the harder it is for them to let go. So after the partner has put a lot of time and energy into the relationship it will be much harder for them to let go, especially after many months of sex and intimacy.

 

For those who don't suffer from low self esteem or feel the need to self flagellate, dumping someone when required regardless of how much they have invested in a relationship isn't that hard at all.

 

People who approach their personal and professional lives as you recommend are scumbags of the highest order.

 

You would do well OP to try to be a decent person rather than a lying scumbag.

[fireflywy]

No. It would not stop me from seeing them and I would appreciate their introspection and candor. As long as they are actively seeking to better their condition and we're resolved to doing so, I would then meet up, see how we clicked face to face, then over time, then how the other person handles these issues (we ALL have issues with something about ourselves which complicate relationships and most don't get an official designation.)

 

If he doesn't want to date you then you just learned how to better sort people out to not to waste time.

Edited January 12, 2017 by fireflywy

[chumly]

thanks everyone for all the interesting thoughts on this! I really appreciate it.

 

 

He sent me a bunch of messages today but I have not opened them yet but will do so in a bit.

 

Some have asked if I was getting help and the answer is yes, I do periodically take medication and I also exercise and try and eat healthy. I also try and read self help books to and get quite a bit of help from these sources.

 

To be honest..I am not really sure why I told him I had "severe" OCD, anxiety and depression because I dont know how true that statement really is. When I was messaging him all of this I was mainly trying to explain what all the delays in meeting him were about for me...but the truth is it really only mainly affects situations such as this (where there is a risk of rejection). I have tremendous anxiety over these kinds of situations so need to be more mentally prepared to meet people in this kind of setting then most do. ..but it is not impossible for me either. I have met people this way and even had relationships with people I met online. One of them lasted about 14 years...so it is NOT impossible for me to meet people at all but just takes alot more mental preparing for me and needs to be more scheduled. This is what I was really trying to get him to understand so I am thinking that I probably should not have used the words "severe" to describe my condition because it really only affects these sort of things. In other words, other than this situation he probably would not have even known I had these conditions.

 

I still socialize with people, I have a work@home job that I am doing well with. In fact, most people describe me as very easy to get along with and a very likeable, upbeat and positive personality, if anything I think my conditions have allowed me to be a better person with perhaps more sensitivity to suffering of others...so I kind of wish I did not use "severe" when describing my condition to him now.:confused:..really dont know why I did that now.:confused:

 

Anyway, I will open his messages to me and explain all of this to him. Hopefully he will understand and if he still has an interest in meeting me hopefully he will realize that due to my condition I just need our first meeting to be more scheduled out more.

 

Thanks everyone for all the thoughts on this. I will keep this thread posted.

[chumly]

No. It would not stop me from seeing them and I would appreciate their introspection and candor. As long as they are actively seeking to better their condition and we're resolved to doing so, I would then meet up, see how we clicked face to face, then over time, then how the other person handles these issues (we ALL have issues with something about ourselves which complicate relationships and most don't get an official designation.)

 

If he doesn't want to date you then you just learned how to better sort people out to not to waste time.

 

 

Thanks so much for this and I agree that if he turns out be not want anything to do with me after this it will tell me that he probably was not the right person for me anyway. Thanks so much:)

[Pill]

I'd be much more likely these conditions than bipolar disorder or personality disorders.