Author CollegeChick Posted January 28, 2017 Author Posted January 28, 2017 I am very sorry for what you are going through OP. This said, I think it best that he is home with his parents. This is going to be a long difficult scary and relentless haul. His parents should care for him primarily now, despite what he says. You will visit, help and love him but put simply, are not what he needs now. His parents live over two and a half hours away and his Doctors and where he is being treated are here. Not sure how feasible this is but they have said they are looking at apartments up here so they can be closer. I don't understand why everyone is underestimating me in all honesty. But those issues aside he is not well at all no energy and can't really get up and get out of bed. And hasn't been eating well, I want to take him back to the ER but the nurses I have talked to have told me to only bring him back if he isn't eating at all or can't eat.
introverted1 Posted January 29, 2017 Posted January 29, 2017 CC, if you are intent on being first line of support for your bf, then I recommend that you find out (if you haven't already) the specific diagnosis your bf received, as well as the specific chemo protocol he is being given. From there, you can spend some time while he is sleeping to do research. While this board is supportive, you would likely be better off connecting with others facing the same situation. They can tell you what's normal with his particular treatment, what to expect, and so on. Your bf needs strength from you. 2
Timshel Posted January 29, 2017 Posted January 29, 2017 CC, your desire to stand by your bf and take care of him is admirable....much respect. Any person in your position will need support, you are human. In a similar situation, I overestimated my ability to take care everything and ended up shredded. His doctors should be able to point you two towards outreach nurses and support groups. Also, as introverted pointed out, being educated about treatment, side effects, prognosis etc...is tremendously valuable. Don't try to do this alone. I hope his parents are able to move closer or at least come and stay when he has chemo/is very ill. Try to gather as much information as possible but know that as a student yourself, your bf's care will be all consuming and will leave little time for other activities. Take care of yourself....you will need to keep your strength.
Timshel Posted January 29, 2017 Posted January 29, 2017 I would like to add, there were several times that my late husband's family asked to come for a while to help and per my husband's request were refused. As they live states away, he did not want to trouble them or have them hovering. My husband's family was right though...I needed the help from other people who loved him and they needed to do what they could, to feel needed, to help. My husband saw his illness as an inconvenience and burden to those he loved when in reality it was a time for the people who loved him to express it. I was the go between, my husband lost some ability to verbally communicate and in the end this caused a rift between my in laws and myself. They assumed that these choices were my own; I was caught between respecting my husband's wishes and being respectful toward his family. If I could go back, I would encourage their support. Just something to think about. Best wishes. 1
Author CollegeChick Posted January 30, 2017 Author Posted January 30, 2017 I will try and find some sort of cancer support group, Sorry if I am being a bother or something. I do intend to be the first line of support but I am not against having his family around to support us. But he hasn't been the most amenable to having his parents around. But they drove up today and did find an Apartment which was surprising since we are in a college town and at the start of term. He was doing a little better today but not by much.
bellabella Posted January 30, 2017 Posted January 30, 2017 I think you sound like you are being incredibly supportive and caring. You haven't said anything that's made me think you are the one he should be home with right now. I hope you're taking care of yourself too, it can be incredibly draining for you too. I hope he responds well to the treatment xx
BaileyB Posted January 30, 2017 Posted January 30, 2017 I'm so sorry. As someone who has cared for a loved one diagnosed with cancer, the treatment is not easy for the person with cancer and it is heartbreaking to watch someone you love suffer through the treatment. Gather every bit of support that you can and definitely, take care of yourself as best you can during this very difficult time. Sending healing thoughts your way...
introverted1 Posted January 30, 2017 Posted January 30, 2017 I will try and find some sort of cancer support group, Sorry if I am being a bother or something. I do intend to be the first line of support but I am not against having his family around to support us. But he hasn't been the most amenable to having his parents around. But they drove up today and did find an Apartment which was surprising since we are in a college town and at the start of term. He was doing a little better today but not by much. CC, to clarify: I don't think anyone here thinks you are a bother, but different dx's have different issues (as do different treatment protocols). A support group will have members who have been where you are now and can guide you as to what's normal and what isn't, when to call, what to expect, etc. Plus, you also need support. I am glad your bf's family will be available, too. I hope it all works out for your bf.
startingagain15 Posted January 30, 2017 Posted January 30, 2017 My husband passed away from a brain tumor 4.5 years ago. There were 13 months from dx to his passing. His tumor was inoperable so we knew from dx that it was only a matter of time. It wasn't something I could do on my own, granted I had young kids at the time too. But I was glad to accept any and all help I could get. His mother and two sisters took turns living with us, and my family was there all the time too. People from church rotated meals and childcare for us. People came to clean the house for me. Tons. You have to accept the help that is offered, you can't do it alone. I'd be very hesitant to make any move to marriage right now. He's not in the frame of mind for that, and if the doctors sound hopeful there will be plenty of time for that in the future. Seizures, exhaustion, nauseau, vomiting, no desire to eat, weird tastes from food, etc. are all part of the chemo package. Be very careful with the anti-seizure meds and take exactly as they prescribe to him. I'm sorry you have to go through this. Definitely seek out a cancer caregiver support group and let his family help as much as they can.
Author CollegeChick Posted January 31, 2017 Author Posted January 31, 2017 His parents tried coming over and Visiting and he had an almost vitriol response to them. I honestly haven't seen this kind of response from him towards them, His sister has to go back home on Friday and I know that is making him sad. We go back in next Thursday for round two. I honestly think it is too soon because he hasn't even gotten his strength back. I don't know what I am going to do about his parents I know I need their help but he doesn't want them around and him stressing out and getting this angry isn't good either.
Author CollegeChick Posted February 1, 2017 Author Posted February 1, 2017 Again, What is the problem with his parents? I honestly do not know and when I ask him about it he won't tell me and just says it is embarrassing and that is basically the only answer I can get out of him on the subject. I don't know how to get him to open up and tell me what is really bothering him about his parents or what they did or may not of done to him. He was at least feeling better today and wasn't as sluggish as before. Still sleeping about 14-15 hours a day though.
Author CollegeChick Posted February 2, 2017 Author Posted February 2, 2017 Next round of Chemo in on Friday I honestly think it is too soon, But What do I know. I keep trying to get him to open up about what he doesn't like or want his parents around and he won't give me an honest straight answer. Honestly pretty worried something happened from his childhood that he isn't telling me about.
Author CollegeChick Posted February 3, 2017 Author Posted February 3, 2017 Can't sleep tonight, Have to take him in for round two in a few hours and just stressing but also just kind of watching him sleep and not having any trouble is slightly peaceful. I got him to open up a little bit about why he has issues with his parents and there was abuse and they didn't believe it happened and basically just ignored it all.
Gaeta Posted February 3, 2017 Posted February 3, 2017 I got him to open up a little bit about why he has issues with his parents and there was abuse and they didn't believe it happened and basically just ignored it all. This is serious. Now he is old enough to go to the authority and denounce his abuser.
mikeylo Posted February 3, 2017 Posted February 3, 2017 It's a combination of a lot of stuff. Him getting seriously sick makes him closer to you as he feels loved and at the same time sees the abuse of his parents and them not in favor of you getting married to him. If he wants to be closer to you than him , then just stay.
Author CollegeChick Posted February 3, 2017 Author Posted February 3, 2017 This is serious. Now he is old enough to go to the authority and denounce his abuser. But how do I convince him to even go to the authorities? He doesn't want to. But round two is in the books they didn't keep him overnight this time but he was so drained he could barely make it up the stairs to get into our apartment I had to help keep him upright along with his dad. But he is in bed now and sleeping so I suppose that is a positive at the very least.
Gaeta Posted February 4, 2017 Posted February 4, 2017 But how do I convince him to even go to the authorities? He doesn't want to. But round two is in the books they didn't keep him overnight this time but he was so drained he could barely make it up the stairs to get into our apartment I had to help keep him upright along with his dad. But he is in bed now and sleeping so I suppose that is a positive at the very least. At this time he needs to put all of his energy in getting better. I think you said that he has great chances of fully recovering. When he is back on his feet he needs to address this abuse. He is about to embark in a life with you, do you want him to carry this in your marriage? and into parenthood? Abuse in childhood isn't a small issue, it's something that will follow him and have repercussions on him all of his life. I think the first step is for him to seek therapy for this abuse at least.
angel.eyes Posted February 4, 2017 Posted February 4, 2017 Please understand that no one is underestimating you. Some of us know what's in store for him, how this is likely to unfold, and just how difficult this will ultimately get. Hence the chorus encouraging you to get his parents involved. You're thinking he and I just need to get through this. "This" is not a month-long issue that will then disappear and life will be completely fine. Unfortunately, based on what you've shared, he is going to get a lot worse, and this will be at least a year-plus ordeal. You are at the very beginning of a very difficult experience. I suspect you probably feel it can't get any worse than it currently is, but it will. You both really need his parents' support! Since he feels so strongly against having them there, perhaps phrase it as you need them involved. You need their support (because trust me, you will). What are you doing about school? Where are your studies in all of this? While it's admirable that you're willing to do anything for your boyfriend, please do not sacrifice your future in the process or become so emotionally debilitated by the process that you then spend years trying to recover yourself. Please get his family involved in caring for him. You can then focus on loving and being supportive of him. 2
Author CollegeChick Posted February 5, 2017 Author Posted February 5, 2017 He was medically withdrawn and My studies have dipped a bit but I am still passing and keeping up with all of that. I could try and phrase it that way I just hope he would accept it and allow them to be around more often his sister is back home and will fly back out in a month or so but she has her own family and job to worry about. He hasn't ever acted in a way that would make me think he was abused but after he admitted to it a few things kind of clicked from our sex life. But beyond that, I don't think of him any less and still love him deeply. It was an uncle that abused him, he went into further detail today when he woke up and just wanted to tell me the whole story. Try and nudge him into some therapy but after all of this is over and done with.
Gaeta Posted February 5, 2017 Posted February 5, 2017 It was an uncle that abused him, he went into further detail today when he woke up and just wanted to tell me the whole story. Try and nudge him into some therapy but after all of this is over and done with. I am very sorry to hear that. How old was he when the abuse occurred? does that mean he has been rejecting his parents ever since the abuse? Or did he go to his parents with the abuse story once he was adult?
BaileyB Posted February 5, 2017 Posted February 5, 2017 Now is not the time for therapy. He will want to focus his energy on treatment. He is very lucky to have you, dear girl. But know, this is the beginning of a long and difficult journey. It is quite possible that he may have a good outcome, but it's also possible that things may not go well. Either way, you will need to take care of yourself and find support in any way that you can. If not from his parents, do what you can to take whatever services are offered. And, please try to take time for yourself - you will need time to rest and process all that is happening. Remember, this is a marathon, not a sprint. Best wishes.
Author CollegeChick Posted February 6, 2017 Author Posted February 6, 2017 I am very sorry to hear that. How old was he when the abuse occurred? does that mean he has been rejecting his parents ever since the abuse? Or did he go to his parents with the abuse story once he was adult? He was when he was five years old and lasted until he was seven years old. He started resenting his parents when he became a teenager basically he told them about the abuse when it was happening but they took a blind eye to it and were or are in denial. It makes sense now though how he would rebel and get incredibly drunk at parties we went to in high school. He didn't act out sexually or anything and I actually may be pressured him into having sex after a year of dating so we lost our Virginity to one another. But he slept for about 15 hours or so today, But he was at least able to eat when he woke up.
Author CollegeChick Posted February 7, 2017 Author Posted February 7, 2017 Today was kind of rough he was pushing me away today and in turned caused a fight. He I guess feels like If he pushes me away and something happens to him it will lessen my pain somehow but that isn't quite how it works and I tried telling him that. Because right now he needs me and I honestly need him a lot and want him to survive because he can and will beat this. Just hopefully this was a one day thing and he doesn't keep trying to push me away because I am not going anywhere.
Author CollegeChick Posted February 9, 2017 Author Posted February 9, 2017 Probably bad timing or I am just overly stressed anything but this but I missed my last period and Kind of freaking out because it is the last thing we honestly need right now. Hoping, no praying I am not pregnant. I haven't told him because he just needs to focus on getting well.
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