kendahke Posted January 19, 2017 Share Posted January 19, 2017 I think I am going to tell him that I will marry him if that is what he wants. I love him so much and it breaks my heart to think about losing him. What do I even do to help him? Don't make any rash decisions that were not even on the table 2 weeks ago. Before this all went down, was your relationship on solid, strong footing? He may have asked you to marry him because he wants to spite his parents, not because he wants to be your husband--and that is a really poor reason to marry someone. Don't marry anyone as a means to punish someone else. Why does he have such a visceral reaction to his parents? Did they abuse him or something? Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted January 19, 2017 Share Posted January 19, 2017 I think I am going to tell him that I will marry him if that is what he wants. Terrible idea especially at this time. You have NO idea what this chemo will bring. If you are married it will fall on YOU to make all the important decisions about his health and treatment. It will fall on YOU to make quick decisions in time of crisis. You do not have the knowledge of his health the way his parents does. He's a college kid, it's still his parents responsibility to make the big decisions for him in times of crisis and in the worse case scenario it's to his parents to take him to his last rest. Not his college girlfriend. Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted January 19, 2017 Share Posted January 19, 2017 Terrible idea especially at this time. You have NO idea what this chemo will bring. If you are married it will fall on YOU to make all the important decisions about his health and treatment. It will fall on YOU to make quick decisions in time of crisis. You do not have the knowledge of his health the way his parents does. He's a college kid, it's still his parents responsibility to make the big decisions for him in times of crisis and in the worse case scenario it's to his parents to take him to his last rest. Not his college girlfriend. I did not mean any disrespect toward you by that. I am a mother and if my college kid got married impulsively and by the same took away all of my rights to make decisions for her when she is sick and it's another kid of 20 years old would decide what's best for her, I'd flip. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted January 19, 2017 Share Posted January 19, 2017 What did they say about his prognosis? Link to post Share on other sites
Author CollegeChick Posted January 20, 2017 Author Share Posted January 20, 2017 We went back to the doctors and they put him on Zoloft and gave him Xanax. Our relationship was as good as a relationship can be before all of this hit us like a ton of bricks, and we talked about marriage before this happened we just were waiting to get our college Degrees before doing so. I don't think his parents have ever abused him, but he just said he doesn't want them around because he feels so embarrassed. His older sister is flying in Saturday, So we will see how that goes he and his older sister are really really close. Also, his parents love me so I don't know why he would marry me to spite his parents. And doctors are saying they are reasonably sure they can treat this and have him back to normal. Today he was more mellowed out but he actually let me get a little closer and be with him and comfort him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author CollegeChick Posted January 21, 2017 Author Share Posted January 21, 2017 Would you guys let someone drink heavily during this? I don't know what to do here he wants to drink but between myself and his parents, we are steering him clear of that as much as possible. Although he seems to be a littler happier knowing his sister is coming into town later tomorrow or rather today. But he also starts Chemo Wednesday, so we will see how things go and how he keeps handling things. He also is pushing me for an answer on getting married and I don't think I can say no to him or how to even say no to him. Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted January 21, 2017 Share Posted January 21, 2017 Would you guys let someone drink heavily during this? I don't know what to do here he wants to drink but between myself and his parents, we are steering him clear of that as much as possible. Although he seems to be a littler happier knowing his sister is coming into town later tomorrow or rather today. But he also starts Chemo Wednesday, so we will see how things go and how he keeps handling things. He also is pushing me for an answer on getting married and I don't think I can say no to him or how to even say no to him. Alcohol and anti-depressant are a dangerous cocktail that could kill him. NO ALCOHOL. Forget about the marriage !! Did you read the part where I said you'd be the one making life and death decision for him if you marry?? You are both kids in college, forget marrying. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mikeylo Posted January 21, 2017 Share Posted January 21, 2017 Of course alcohol is going to make it worse ! In a situation like this, his emotions are all over the place. How old are you both ? If you guys were planning to get married anyway, then I dont think there is any reason to say no at this point.Its not that you are going to marry this week ! If it makes him relaxed and at peace and you are in for the long haul, then why not ? Link to post Share on other sites
Redhead14 Posted January 21, 2017 Share Posted January 21, 2017 Hi to you all I am new here and I am in need of some advice. My boyfriend and I have been together since our freshman years in high school. We attend the same college together and both graduate next year. Well we were apart on Christmas break because his family were having Christmas in Texas at his Aunts place and well he came back from break changed. He broke his ankle and apparently had a seizure one night while goofing off with his brothers and family and it is having an effect on his mortality perspective I suppose. Now he has been acting depressed and moody and isn't allowing me to be close to him and has even started sleeping on the couch. I have to drive him back to our hometown to see his Doctor Friday so they can run some more tests ext. But I don't know what to do with him pushing me away and not letting me help him at all, I know he is vulnerable. I just am unsure what to do to help him. I guess I am just looking for some advice/insight to help me. I feel like I am losing control/grip on my relationship over this. Sorry for Rambling on. I feel like I am losing control/grip on my relationship -- People don't control relationships. You need to allow him to process and deal with it, not pull on him. You can and should, however, point out how the fact that he is pushing you away is affecting you. 'You know, xname, I know you are struggling with something and I want to support you. It's very difficult for me to do that when we aren't communicating." And, then sit back and observe whether he makes at least more of an effort with you. That being said, when someone tells me or shows me that they want space, I become NASA. They can contact Houston when/if they figure out/solve their problem. If they take too long, however, they may find that they do not have a place to land their aircraft. Everyone needs a little space now and then, but if they have a partner, they won't take too long -- a week tops is about my limit, that's for sure. How do you give space when you live together? You make yourself busy with friends, family, school. You keep YOUR routine at home and outside of the home. Take your focus off of him for a bit. You don't mention the "issue" for a little while and observe whether they start coming to you. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted January 21, 2017 Share Posted January 21, 2017 Well, step number is one talk to him and his relatives or whoever was with him and see if there is a chance he hit his head when he fell, and if so, he needs to go get a brain scan. Head injuries can TOTALLY change a person. In extreme circumstances, can change a good person into a psychopath, and any level in between. So you ask questions and maybe even get his doctor's name and leave him a message (he can't discuss with you but you can tell him) and just say "Could you please be sure he didn't hit his head because he's acting totally different." If it's not physical, two things to know: 1) More people break up just after the Christmas holidays than any other time of the year. 2) A scary life event can make you realize what's important and what's not and re-evaluate your life. I lost an old flame because of 9/11. They see the big picture and that life may be short and they better do what they really want to do and not waste time. Hope he's okay. Head injuries often go undiagnosed, so you be sure he's seen for that if he or anyone else thinks he could have hit his head. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author CollegeChick Posted January 22, 2017 Author Share Posted January 22, 2017 Of course alcohol is going to make it worse ! In a situation like this, his emotions are all over the place. How old are you both ? If you guys were planning to get married anyway, then I dont think there is any reason to say no at this point.Its not that you are going to marry this week ! If it makes him relaxed and at peace and you are in for the long haul, then why not ? We are both early 20's, His sister came in today and defiantly relaxed him a lot. Link to post Share on other sites
Author CollegeChick Posted January 22, 2017 Author Share Posted January 22, 2017 Sorry for the short response above, Had to tend to my boyfriend he had a seizure, The meds they gave him for them I guess didn't work or something. His sister getting here put him at a decent amount of peace and he talked with her for hours, Not sure how he can get along with her so well and not his parents. But his parents have to leave tomorrow to get home for work but will be back Tuesday night for the start of his Chemo treatments that start Wednesday. I don't really know what to expect from him after these Chemo treatments, Actually pretty nervous about those. His sister wants to take him to Disney which is about a four-hour drive away from where we are on Monday, just worry it will take a lot out of him but he does need the fresh air I suppose. Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted January 22, 2017 Share Posted January 22, 2017 His sister wants to take him to Disney which is about a four-hour drive away from where we are on Monday, just worry it will take a lot out of him but he does need the fresh air I suppose. You don't take a trip of 4 hours and a day at Disney when you under go chemo. The chemo therapy will exhaust him and he needs to stay close by to his oncologist. Does he live on his own? college dorm? with you? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
kidm Posted January 22, 2017 Share Posted January 22, 2017 You don't take a trip of 4 hours and a day at Disney when you under go chemo. The chemo therapy will exhaust him and he needs to stay close by to his oncologist. Does he live on his own? college dorm? with you? I believe his sister wants to take him to disney on Monday before chemo starts on Wednesday. Anyway best wishes to your boyfriend OP. Good he has the support of his family and you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author CollegeChick Posted January 23, 2017 Author Share Posted January 23, 2017 You don't take a trip of 4 hours and a day at Disney when you under go chemo. The chemo therapy will exhaust him and he needs to stay close by to his oncologist. Does he live on his own? college dorm? with you? His sister wants to take him not me. We live togeather in an Apartment. But I talked her out of doing that and we are just gonna try and have a good relaxing day at home and not try and stress him out. But his parents took us out for dinner before leaving town back home I want to ask him why he doesn't want his parents around so badly because he just relaxed a good bit more when they left and it was just Myself him and his sister. But I don't want to stress him out or cause a rift or anything so I probably will just keep that question to myself. He is also still pushing for the marriage answer and I can't keep saying let me think about it to him he is gonna get hurt and think I don't Love him or something, His sister is super Ok with it and wants me to marry him because she thinks it will make him the happiest right now. Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted January 23, 2017 Share Posted January 23, 2017 (edited) Marriage is a serious legal contract between 2 people for a life time. It's not about making someone happy right now. You keep avoiding my question. Do you realize if you marry you will be responsible for making life and death decisions for him at 20? Edited January 23, 2017 by Gaeta Link to post Share on other sites
Author CollegeChick Posted January 24, 2017 Author Share Posted January 24, 2017 Marriage is a serious legal contract between 2 people for a life time. It's not about making someone happy right now. You keep avoiding my question. Do you realize if you marry you will be responsible for making life and death decisions for him at 20? I am not avoiding it I just feel like you have talked down to me a bit. Yes, it would be obvious I would be responsible for those decisions if he got that bad or if it came to that. I am not saying I am ready for that or anything of the sort, I mean how can anyone be ready for those types of decisions? Tomorrow is the big day though and Chemo will start Like I said I don't know what is going to happen or how he will react but I am hoping and praying for the best. And I believe it should be about making him happy and comfortable if these are his last days or what have you. I mean should we not do whatever he wants or requests? I don't know I am also a bit older than 20 so give me some credit here. Neither of us asked to be in this position but here we are and trying to make the best of it. Sorry not trying to be rude or anything all the support advice has been great. Took him out to his favorite places for lunch and dinner today and just relaxed around the apartment need to go into our college and get him withdrawn for medical that way he won't lose his scholarships or credits he has earned. Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted January 24, 2017 Share Posted January 24, 2017 I am not avoiding it I just feel like you have talked down to me a bit. Yes, it would be obvious I would be responsible for those decisions if he got that bad or if it came to that. I am not saying I am ready for that or anything of the sort, I mean how can anyone be ready for those types of decisions? Tomorrow is the big day though and Chemo will start Like I said I don't know what is going to happen or how he will react but I am hoping and praying for the best. And I believe it should be about making him happy and comfortable if these are his last days or what have you. I mean should we not do whatever he wants or requests? I don't know I am also a bit older than 20 so give me some credit here. Neither of us asked to be in this position but here we are and trying to make the best of it. Sorry not trying to be rude or anything all the support advice has been great. Took him out to his favorite places for lunch and dinner today and just relaxed around the apartment need to go into our college and get him withdrawn for medical that way he won't lose his scholarships or credits he has earned. I am sorry I came across as talking down to you it was not my goal. As a mother of a young woman in her 20s I can't help but putting myself in his mom's shoes so I am talking from a mother's point of view. If his family are all supportive of you 2 getting married than by all means. Is his family supportive of this rushed marriage? Link to post Share on other sites
anna121 Posted January 24, 2017 Share Posted January 24, 2017 If you truly want to marry him now, FOR YOU, then say yes. I think it is a really bad idea to go along with it because you can't say no to him. A bad idea for you, AND for him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author CollegeChick Posted January 25, 2017 Author Share Posted January 25, 2017 I am sorry I came across as talking down to you it was not my goal. As a mother of a young woman in her 20s I can't help but putting myself in his mom's shoes so I am talking from a mother's point of view. If his family are all supportive of you 2 getting married than by all means. Is his family supportive of this rushed marriage? His sister is supportive of it Parents not so much which is probably why he is pushing them away or at least has been trying to. But I am trying to hold off on answering him as best I possibly can without trying to hurt his feelings or anything. But he goes in at 7am for the start of Chemo so hoping for the best not much to say or report about today honestly. Was a very relaxed day and he had a couple seizures so I am hoping this chemo works. Link to post Share on other sites
Author CollegeChick Posted January 26, 2017 Author Share Posted January 26, 2017 They are keeping him overnight because the first treatment of chemo is the worst or the nurses and Doctors have said. But I can believe it with what I have been witnessing his parents were also very late getting here which wasn't the best feeling for us. But it has been a rough night, a lot of puking and sweats and hot and then cold. Just hoping this is all normal and ok and just praying he gets better, but it is obviously too early to tell. Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted January 26, 2017 Share Posted January 26, 2017 How many rounds of chemo will he have? Link to post Share on other sites
Author CollegeChick Posted January 27, 2017 Author Share Posted January 27, 2017 He has to go through another four rounds of chemo. Got home and all he wanted to do was sleep never seen him so weak before just honestly scares me. Link to post Share on other sites
Author CollegeChick Posted January 28, 2017 Author Share Posted January 28, 2017 Boyfriend isn't doing well at all and I am hoping it is just a reaction to this chemo but I am worried and I called his doctor earlier and his nurses talked to me and I explained what all was going on and they said it was normal. But I just haven't seen this kind of rash before and it is hurting him so bad. Plus he has been tired to the point he has barely moved. Link to post Share on other sites
Timshel Posted January 28, 2017 Share Posted January 28, 2017 I am very sorry for what you are going through OP. This said, I think it best that he is home with his parents. This is going to be a long difficult scary and relentless haul. His parents should care for him primarily now, despite what he says. You will visit, help and love him but put simply, are not what he needs now. Link to post Share on other sites
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