Huge dilemma, brother picked same wedding date as me

[anna121]

If it were me I would probably just cut the brother off. I've done that in the past with relatives with whom continued contact just became too stressful and were adding nothing to my life. I wouldn't make a big deal of it - just detach.

 

As for your second wedding, I am getting the sense that it is a smaller affair. So, only to avoid your family from having to make an awkward choice, you might just wait to see how things settle out.

 

Or you can just go ahead with your plans and refuse to discuss them. It's really nobody's business when you get married, except in the sense that they can decide whether it's convenient for them to attend.

[preraph]

You can't do it on Sept. 29 because your brother announced that date before you did. He can't have your ring, and you can't have his wedding date.

[startinganew777]

Actually, no. He announced the wedding was going to be sept. 9th and I announced mine was going to be sept. 29th. Then he changed it to the 29th after he heard mine was going to be then.

[startinganew777]

Well turns they can't get the house they want sept. 29th weekend so they had to change it to the 16th.

 

But I have exciting news and my boyfriend proposed to me this weekend!!!

 

But now my brother won't talk to me. He is mad because they are keeping it a secret because she doesn't have a ring yet and something having to do with his business and finances. But of course we aren't keeping it a secret because we are excited! And now my brother said I'm making it all about me. I'm excited! Why should I keep it a secret just because they are? Craziness. I don't even care anymore. If he can't be happy for me, oh well. Not putting my life and exciting news on hold because of him and his issues.

[Ieris]

@startinganew777 ~ Congratulations! Glad to hear that you get to stick to your original date.

 

Ignore your brother, he is the one turning it into some competition and making it all about him. Changing it from the 9th, to the 29th and then to the 16th.. such a mess, don't be surprised if it changes again.

[Whoknew30]

Well turns they can't get the house they want sept. 29th weekend so they had to change it to the 16th.

 

But I have exciting news and my boyfriend proposed to me this weekend!!!

 

But now my brother won't talk to me. He is mad because they are keeping it a secret because she doesn't have a ring yet and something having to do with his business and finances. But of course we aren't keeping it a secret because we are excited! And now my brother said I'm making it all about me. I'm excited! Why should I keep it a secret just because they are? Craziness. I don't even care anymore. If he can't be happy for me, oh well. Not putting my life and exciting news on hold because of him and his issues.

 

Honestly from what I'm reading, it sounds like you're both kind of childish.

 

Not giving up your ring is your business but you only kept it to "look at it" knowing your bf was going to propose with e new ring...taking about your brother has no money & now who cares "be happy for me"...i honestly think you sound extremely selfish yourself...how you can tell is when things that have nothing to do with a person, bother them. You were complaining about a wesssong date before you were even prosed to (knowing it was coming) & nownshoving it in your brother's & soon to be sister in law's face bc you don't like their planning but yet he said they're trying to save money & you don't care.

 

 

You're very much a.player in the drama you're dealing with...in fact the way I read it, you're being mean & making the whole situation about just you...I agree (going by what you wrote) with your brother.

[startinganew777]

Honestly from what I'm reading, it sounds like you're both kind of childish.

 

Not giving up your ring is your business but you only kept it to "look at it" knowing your bf was going to propose with e new ring...taking about your brother has no money & now who cares "be happy for me"...i honestly think you sound extremely selfish yourself...how you can tell is when things that have nothing to do with a person, bother them. You were complaining about a wesssong date before you were even prosed to (knowing it was coming) & nownshoving it in your brother's & soon to be sister in law's face bc you don't like their planning but yet he said they're trying to save money & you don't care.

 

 

You're very much a.player in the drama you're dealing with...in fact the way I read it, you're being mean & making the whole situation about just you...I agree (going by what you wrote) with your brother.

 

 

 

 

Ummm, number one, a lot of your message doesn't even make sense but anyways, I didn't keep my ring, I sold it and put that money in my savings to use towards our future. Not sure where you got that I was keeping it to look at?

 

 

I don't really know how to respond to the rest of the message because it really doesn't make sense. So basically what you are telling me is since my boyfriend proposed second, I shouldn't be able to tell anyone I'm getting married? I should keep it a secret? Just because they can't say anything yet? Do you realize how stupid that sounds? His life and what is going on with it has nothing to do with me getting engaged. My fiancé and I should be able to share our exciting news with our friends and family and that is exactly what we did.

[startinganew777]

@startinganew777 ~ Congratulations! Glad to hear that you get to stick to your original date.

 

Ignore your brother, he is the one turning it into some competition and making it all about him. Changing it from the 9th, to the 29th and then to the 16th.. such a mess, don't be surprised if it changes again.

 

Thank you! We are so excited!

 

 

Yeah, it is a mess. I don't even know what to think about it anymore but I'm just going to enjoy this engagement and not worry about it anymore. Everyone else is VERY excited for us and offering to help us plan it all since we don't have a lot of time.

[Whoknew30]

Ummm, number one, a lot of your message doesn't even make sense but anyways, I didn't keep my ring, I sold it and put that money in my savings to use towards our future. Not sure where you got that I was keeping it to look at?

 

 

I don't really know how to respond to the rest of the message because it really doesn't make sense. So basically what you are telling me is since my boyfriend proposed second, I shouldn't be able to tell anyone I'm getting married? I should keep it a secret? Just because they can't say anything yet? Do you realize how stupid that sounds? His life and what is going on with it has nothing to do with me getting engaged. My fiancé and I should be able to share our exciting news with our friends and family and that is exactly what we did.

 

I'm saying you say your brother doesn't have a lot of money in one sentence & then you're so offended he changed his wedding date bc he's trying to save money & are upset bc he's changed the date, before you were even officially engaged...you stated that you like to wear the ring, reread your post. & now you want to flaunt your engagement before your brother has had a chance even though it's your second marriage....it's fine to be excited but it's not cool to be mad at your sibling for trying to save money for changing a wedding date before you were even engaged & then act like becoming engaged was such a shock that you have to get the glory first.

 

Reading your thread, just seems you're selfish & want all glory & could care a less about your family's feelings...if you did you wouldn't be upset that your brother changed the date bc he's trying to save money bc it effects your 2nd marriage...you asked for advice & im saying your not a victim of your family...you're a willing participant of your own family drama.

 

Also talking about what your soon to be sister in law buys (which is none of your business) Shows that you put your nose where it doesn't belong & allow it bother you (or you would not have brought it up) which means you're looking for reasons to have issues bc people that aren't actively looking for issues pay no attention to that sort of thing...if you can't realize your part in your own family crap then it will continue but no you're not 100% the victim of a mean family, your very much a player in it.

 

You wanted advice...don't ask if you can't handle different opinions...

Edited February 22, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
quote formatting ~6

[Lady2163]

Let's see if I have this straight.

 

Two issues

 

1. You got married years ago and then divorced. Your mother wanted to "borrow" your wedding ring or engagement ring and wouldn't tell you why. I'm assuming it didn't have a family stone in it.

A. Your mother thought you would say no, if she told you why

B. Your brother wasn't telling people his plans yet.

 

Any antique or second hand ring has the potential to be from a broken marriage. It sounds like they were trying to save some money buying yours.

 

Buy, yes, that is a touch strange.

 

Moot point since you say you sold the ring.

 

You are creating a lot of this drama and drawing the attention to,yourself. But, I'm guessing this is how you were raised.

 

The moment you found out from your father that your brother was planning to propose was the moment you stopped this "not officially engaged" crap. You do sound like a bit of,a control freak. You say you knew your boyfriend was planning to propose, but was waiting for whatever and that is your decision.

 

So, yes since your brother became officially engaged first, he had first dibs on picking the date.

 

That is also a moot point since he has now moved his wedding date.

 

Tell your family you are getting married September 29th. Officially. Make your plans.

 

You play into your family dynamic. You're not a victim, but I have a feeling you play the victim card a lot.

 

Depending on your SES, your SECOND wedding should not be as grand as the first. Even if it is your fiancée's first. I'm from an area where you don't register or have bridal showers for the second time around.

[Ieris]

Thank you! We are so excited!

 

Yeah, it is a mess. I don't even know what to think about it anymore but I'm just going to enjoy this engagement and not worry about it anymore. Everyone else is VERY excited for us and offering to help us plan it all since we don't have a lot of time.

 

That's good to hear, just because it's your second marriage that doesn't mean it's any less special. So I don't understand some peoples logic about you trying to steal the lime light, expecting you to have some low key wedding as it is your second. That's like saying having a second and third child is not as special as the first. Simply ignore and have a fab time

[startinganew777]

Ummm, number one, a lot of your message doesn't even make sense but anyways, I didn't keep my ring, I sold it and put that money in my savings to use towards our future. Not sure where you got that I was keeping it to look at?

 

 

I don't really know how to respond to the rest of the message because it really doesn't make sense. So basically what you are telling me is since my boyfriend proposed second, I shouldn't be able to tell anyone I'm getting married? I should keep it a secret? Just because they can't say anything yet? Do you realize how stupid that sounds? His life and what is going on with it has nothing to do with me getting engaged. My fiancé and I should be able to share our exciting news with our friends and family and that is exactly what we did.

 

I'm saying you say your brother doesn't have a lot of money in one sentence & then you're so offended he changed his wedding date bc he's trying to save money & are upset bc he's changed the date, before you were even officially engaged...you stated that you like to wear the ring, reread your post. & now you want to flaunt your engagement before your brother has had a chance even though it's your second marriage....it's fine to be excited but it's not cool to be mad at your sibling for trying to save money for changing a wedding date before you were even engaged & then act like becoming engaged was such a shock that you have to get the glory first.

 

Reading your thread, just seems you're selfish & want all glory & could care a less about your family's feelings...if you did you wouldn't be upset that your brother changed the date bc he's trying to save money bc it effects your 2nd marriage...you asked for advice & im saying your not a victim of your family...you're a willing participant of your own family drama.

 

Also talking about what your soon to be sister in law buys (which is none of your business) Shows that you put your nose where it doesn't belong & allow it bother you (or you would not have brought it up) which means you're looking for reasons to have issues bc people that aren't actively looking for issues pay no attention to that sort of thing...if you can't realize your part in your own family crap then it will continue but no you're not 100% the victim of a mean family, your very much a player in it.

 

You wanted advice...don't ask if you can't handle different opinions...

 

I still don't understand where you are getting I wanted to keep the ring to look at? I never said that. I just held onto the ring because I didn't know what to do with it so stuck it in a drawer and it has stayed there the past 7 years. I would never wear the ring of my failed marriage. That is silly. I finally sold it to a jeweler anyways, it is gone.

 

 

And actually my whole family is upset he keeps moving the date around because everyone is having to cancel their hotels and move dates around with taking off for their jobs. It is hard to make plans for going out of town if the date keeps getting moved around. So it has been difficult for everyone including my parents who won't stop complaining about it.

 

 

As for this being a surprise, we talked about getting married, yes, and the date, yes because it was soon. I had no idea he was proposing to me this past weekend. I guess he told his whole family and my dad the night before he did it asking permission to marry me. He had it all planned out for a long time, was waiting for nice weather to do it outside at a special place. I wasn't controlling or telling him what to do, he did what he wanted. I had no idea.

 

 

Anyways, I'm not sure what I'm doing wrong here. I'm excited and we need to get planning since the wedding isn't far off. Why would I keep this proposal a secret just because they are? Doesn't make any sense. He is holding off because of a big fight he is in with his business partner. Not sure when that would even get resolved and I feel like I shouldn't have to wait around for whatever personal stuff he has going on with that to announce my engagement.

Edited February 22, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
quote formatting ~6

[startinganew777]

Let's see if I have this straight.

 

 

 

 

Depending on your SES, your SECOND wedding should not be as grand as the first. Even if it is your fiancée's first. I'm from an area where you don't register or have bridal showers for the second time around.

 

I'm not sure what SES means. I'm not the one wanting the wedding. I was willing to go to Vegas or somewhere else to get married. It didn't matter to me. My fiancé wants the wedding because it is important to him. He wants all his family and friends there and said the most important thing to him is lots of pictures with everyone, memories of our special day. He wants the whole big wedding deal. I was happy just doing something small outside with just close family and close friends. I can't take this away from him because he is an amazing guy and just because it is my second wedding, it is his first and he is so happy and excited about it. We are paying for it all on our own so it won't be crazy big but he wants an actual wedding ceremony and reception. It would be unfair for me to take that away from him because I love him more than anything and I want him to enjoy this all. I want him to get the wedding he has always wanted.

Edited February 22, 2017 by startinganew777

[rester]

Congratulations on your engagement. I can understand you not wanting your brother to have your old ring, but like some of the other posters it sounds to me that you are in an unnecessary competition with your brother over a wedding date. They are planning their wedding 7 months from now, which is plenty of time for you and your parents and boyfriend to plan around it and make travel arrangements.

 

Now you are trying to plan a wedding right around the same time. It's hard to understand why you need to do it the exact same month. You had a date set and weren't even engaged yet when you had your date set. Instead of feeling happy for your brother, it appears from this side that all you feel is contempt and maybe some jealousy.

 

In this situation the decent thing to do would be to hold off your wedding until next spring or summer. Sorry, I know that's not what you want to hear. All you are going to do by planning a wedding the same month as your brother is isolate yourself from your family.

[startinganew777]

Congratulations on your engagement. I can understand you not wanting your brother to have your old ring, but like some of the other posters it sounds to me that you are in an unnecessary competition with your brother over a wedding date. They are planning their wedding 7 months from now, which is plenty of time for you and your parents and boyfriend to plan around it and make travel arrangements.

 

Now you are trying to plan a wedding right around the same time. It's hard to understand why you need to do it the exact same month. You had a date set and weren't even engaged yet when you had your date set. Instead of feeling happy for your brother, it appears from this side that all you feel is contempt and maybe some jealousy.

 

In this situation the decent thing to do would be to hold off your wedding until next spring or summer. Sorry, I know that's not what you want to hear. All you are going to do by planning a wedding the same month as your brother is isolate yourself from your family.

 

Thanks for the congrats.

 

 

The reason we can't wait is we want a family. I turn 38 in Dec. We need to start trying as soon as possible. I have an autoimmune disease that will probably interfere with me getting pregnant as soon as I want. We don't want to wait any longer. This talk has been in the works since last year. It isn't like we just came up with all these plans. He was waiting for the perfect time to propose with what he had planned. I don't know how long it will take for me to get pregnant and we want to get married before.

 

 

You say I'm isolating myself from my family. They are all totally onboard and happy for me and my mom is already asking what I need help with. The only one not on board is my brother. Even his fiancé is happy for us. He has always had an issue with me. We have never gotten along. I have been there for him so many times, lent him money, that I never saw again by the way, picked him up from jail, listened to him about his breakups, but he has never been there for me. The only time I hear from him is what he needs something like babysitting. I have tried to have a relationship with him and he just doesn't care. He has always done these little digs towards me and this just all seemed like another one. I just don't know what else to do but everyone, family and friends tell me just to ignore him and do my own thing because they know how he is. So that is what I'm going to do.

Edited February 22, 2017 by startinganew777

[GunslingerRoland]

That is crappy that he's doing that to you. Sounds like it is just to spite you.

 

I do have a few questions though, if you are already planning a wedding date, what is the point of an elaborate engagement situation? That just seems pointless to me, if you are already planning a wedding.

 

Also, I don't know what you have planned, but I've never really heard of outdoor weddings being cheaper than indoor weddings. In fact they usually cost more because then you need a backup location in case of bad weather, and setting up stuff outdoors is usually more costly than using an already setup location indoors.

 

There are a lot of ways to save money on weddings.

[preraph]

Actually, no. He announced the wedding was going to be sept. 9th and I announced mine was going to be sept. 29th. Then he changed it to the 29th after he heard mine was going to be then.

 

Then I would say get married asap and get out of that family. The brother and the mother sound like jerks to me and the sooner you get away from them the better. Ever considered eloping on the 29th so you don't have to go to his wedding?

[startinganew777]

That is crappy that he's doing that to you. Sounds like it is just to spite you.

 

I do have a few questions though, if you are already planning a wedding date, what is the point of an elaborate engagement situation? That just seems pointless to me, if you are already planning a wedding.

 

Also, I don't know what you have planned, but I've never really heard of outdoor weddings being cheaper than indoor weddings. In fact they usually cost more because then you need a backup location in case of bad weather, and setting up stuff outdoors is usually more costly than using an already setup location indoors.

 

There are a lot of ways to save money on weddings.

 

 

Well we have some beautiful property about an hour away from where I live. It is private property and there is a huge lake and that is where I was thinking of doing it. My Aunt is ordained and she is going to marry us. Plus I can have my dog there with us. :-) She is really important to me and my fiancé. So that really wouldn't cost us any money or not much money at all. We have a huge pavilion at the property too in case of bad weather and it would just be the wedding party and immediate family there. Then we would do a reception with all our family and friends somewhere else but not sure about where and that is where the cost will come in.

 

 

The whole elaborate proposal....That was really important to my fiancé because he wanted to do something memorable and special. He picked my favorite park on a really beautiful day and we took my dog with us up to the top of this bluff and he did it there. He said he has been imagining of doing that for a long time and wanted it to be perfect. We are both outdoorsy people and love nature so he thought that would be the perfect scenario. And I'm glad he did it that way, I will never forget it. It was awesome :-)

Edited February 22, 2017 by startinganew777

[preraph]

Well, since you are not having to compete for venues, I think you should just move your date up and beat your brother to the alter. Then if he does it in the same place, you at least will have done it first. Just move your date up.

 

And use your other old ring to make a nice ring for your future husband, something manly.

Edited February 22, 2017 by preraph

[startinganew777]

Well, since you are not having to compete for venues, I think you should just move your date up and beat your brother to the alter. Then if he does it in the same place, you at least will have done it first. Just move your date up.

 

And use your other old ring to make a nice ring for your future husband, something manly.

 

My old ring is gone, I sold it to a jeweler. Used that money to put in our wedding/new house/kids savings account. I will just buy him a new one.

 

 

I think dates now for the reception at least is going to depend on what is available since fall wedding dates get booked up fast.

[preraph]

My old ring is gone, I sold it to a jeweler. Used that money to put in our wedding/new house/kids savings account. I will just buy him a new one.

 

 

I think dates now for the reception at least is going to depend on what is available since fall wedding dates get booked up fast.

 

Glad you kept your mom from putting her paws on that ring. The raw nerve of even asking!

[Whoknew30]

I still don't understand where you are getting I wanted to keep the ring to look at? I never said that. I just held onto the ring because I didn't know what to do with it so stuck it in a drawer and it has stayed there the past 7 years. I would never wear the ring of my failed marriage. That is silly. I finally sold it to a jeweler anyways, it is gone.

 

 

And actually my whole family is upset he keeps moving the date around because everyone is having to cancel their hotels and move dates around with taking off for their jobs. It is hard to make plans for going out of town if the date keeps getting moved around. So it has been difficult for everyone including my parents who won't stop complaining about it.

 

 

As for this being a surprise, we talked about getting married, yes, and the date, yes because it was soon. I had no idea he was proposing to me this past weekend. I guess he told his whole family and my dad the night before he did it asking permission to marry me. He had it all planned out for a long time, was waiting for nice weather to do it outside at a special place. I wasn't controlling or telling him what to do, he did what he wanted. I had no idea.

 

 

Anyways, I'm not sure what I'm doing wrong here. I'm excited and we need to get planning since the wedding isn't far off. Why would I keep this proposal a secret just because they are? Doesn't make any sense. He is holding off because of a big fight he is in with his business partner. Not sure when that would even get resolved and I feel like I shouldn't have to wait around for whatever personal stuff he has going on with that to announce my engagement.

 

You asked if you were being selfish...I gave my opinion, yes & you say it's stupid & makes no sense, which isn't a mature response to receiving an opinion one doesn't like, when they're the one that asked...then every paragraph the stories change, first your brother is changing dates to save money & now it changed bc he had a fight with his partner, which is it exactly?

 

What doesn't make sense is picking a date for a wedding before engaged & then behaving as it was such a shocking surprise...it wasn't surprise if you were already picking a date. It's fine to be excited to be engaged but it's your second marriage & yes you are being selfish to your brother IMO.

[preraph]

If you don't care about fancy, there are some more ordinary venues you can rent to have a reception: The library, ISD rec center meeting rooms, or just a small banquet room at a hotel, which is where most companies end up throwing their little events.

 

You might be able to have one by the pool during off season at a lodge (like Lion's, Elk's, etc.).

 

Also some hotel and other bars will rent you out a room of the bar during the day or early evening. I used to have to book music promotion events and learned not to do the obvious stuff because it's too expensive, but just talk someone into doing it off peak time.

 

Art galleries will sometimes take events as well, but you would have to not let people go nuts.

[startinganew777]

You asked if you were being selfish...I gave my opinion, yes & you say it's stupid & makes no sense, which isn't a mature response to receiving an opinion one doesn't like, when they're the one that asked...then every paragraph the stories change, first your brother is changing dates to save money & now it changed bc he had a fight with his partner, which is it exactly?

 

What doesn't make sense is picking a date for a wedding before engaged & then behaving as it was such a shocking surprise...it wasn't surprise if you were already picking a date. It's fine to be excited to be engaged but it's your second marriage & yes you are being selfish to your brother IMO.

 

Lol. My story isn't changing at all. You keep coming up with all these things I didn't say. If you go back to my message, you will see that I said he was keeping the proposal a secret because of the issues with the business partner. I didn't say anything about him changing the date because of that.

[Whoknew30]

Yes, I know it is confusing. LOL Ok, so my parents and my brother, his now fiancé and her two kids all went on vacation last year in the first week of Sept. to Florida. They decided to do it again this year so booked the same condo, the same week, first week from the 2nd until the 8th. We all knew that. They planned it last year.

 

 

So then, they get engaged last weekend, he then tells us it would just be easiest to get married down on the beach and since they are already there this Sept. why not extend the vacation a couple days and get married on that Sat. the 9th. Then my brother and his fiancé would fly out on the 10th to go on a honeymoon.

 

 

So he texted us yesterday and said it would be too expensive to do anything the beginning of Sept. They decided it do it the last weekend in Sept. So now my parents have to change their vacation dates at work, change the dates they stay at the condo down there, IF it is available. My brother has to cancel his stay at the condo that first week and find another place to stay too.

 

 

right here ^...nothing about business partner, your own words stating your brother said it was too expensive...nothing about a business partner...nothing.

 

Once again, you seem to change a story based on wanting to be the victim of your family...you're not.