Casual dating expectations

[elaine567]

Seems to me that many young women say they don't want a relationship, but I guess they do want a relationship only they are scared of the relationship label.

So they accept "casual" from guys who don't want a relationship either, but those men truly do not want a relationship so these women are left emotionally attached and end up waiting around for some flakey guy who doesn't care a damn as long as he gets sex when he wants it on his terms.

 

A relationship does not mean you have to marry him, have his kids and die in his arms a relationship just means he doesn't get to treat you like a free prostitute and you are not sharing bodily fluids with other women either. He has to treat you nice and not take you for granted. He has to show you some respect.

Do you not deserve some respect?

 

If he doesn't respect you or treat you nice, you say NEXT!

[spiderowl]

Contact has always been spotty but now it's the longest gap. Nobody's being ignored, but neither of of us have reached out for like a week.

 

Seems a long time. It all depends what you want out of it really. If you really want casual dating as and when either of you feel like it, then there are no 'rules' as such, but if you want a relationship then a week is a long time not to make contact.

[leogirl876]

Seems to me that many young women say they don't want a relationship, but I guess they do want a relationship only they are scared of the relationship label.

So they accept "casual" from guys who don't want a relationship either, but those men truly do not want a relationship so these women are left emotionally attached and end up waiting around for some flakey guy who doesn't care a damn as long as he gets sex when he wants it on his terms.

 

A relationship does not mean you have to marry him, have his kids and die in his arms a relationship just means he doesn't get to treat you like a free prostitute and you are not sharing bodily fluids with other women either. He has to treat you nice and not take you for granted. He has to show you some respect.

Do you not deserve some respect?

 

If he doesn't respect you or treat you nice, you say NEXT!

 

I think women go into it thinking either they don't want a relationship and end up developing feelings for the guy and/or they think the guy will change his mind.

[BrokenBranches]

IDK how long you've been dating him, but i was recently in a casual relationship for 10 months. Casual in the sense we weren't exclusive, but we did see each other pretty regularly. Less regularly the last 2 months, but definitely every week.

 

Some background info, we were friends first, then started hooking up/dating, and it was intensely incredible for 4 or 5 months. Started saying she loved me and all that. Then she slowly started being more distant.

 

we were both attached in different ways. I really wanted to be with her, she just wanted me around. I stupidly stuck around for way too long when i was getting treated like ****. It's more obvious in hindsight now, but she would do a terrible job at responding to my texts and she didn't used to do that, plus is always on her phone. She'd lie and say she never ignores me. She stopped initiating quality time together.

 

Anyway, so numerous times i'd feel terrible because she hasn't responded all day or whatever. I tried to tell myself to not respond, not ask her to hang out, until she initiates that. So many times i failed though. I convinced myself to not be petty and that i'm not here to ****ing play games. I'd talk to her about it, she'd give reasons and excuses. Just to make sure i'm not mad and don't leave her. DON"T BUY INTO THAT ****. *if you've never talked about it (communication, expectations, etc) before, first do that.

 

Don't cave. Just let him come to you as hard as it is. Looking back, the few times i didn't respond or wasn't available (not intentionally), she really reacted to it.

[winny]

I had a FWB for around 1 year. We were friends first and then he asked me to be his FWB and I agreed. The one condition was that anyone can end it at anytime without any explanation. We both were on the same page on this. Also we never questioned each other on what we are doing when we are not together.

 

None of our friends knew about this. We were good friends and went out together just the 2 of us or with the other friends in a group all the time - trips, shopping, dinner, movies etc. Discussed each other's life problems... he used to encourage me to start dating again etc... we used to hook up every weekend on an average. One fine day I felt it is time for me to look for something more fulfilling emotionally. It took me a month or so to say that to him. And he said okay fine because we anyways always discussed dating and marriage with each other so we knew its gonna happen one day.

I think we both cared a lot for each other.... we were such great friends... ha ha

 

It takes a lot of emotional detachment to pull this off.

[mightycpa]

I know that you shouldn't have expectations when dating casually, but what kind of situation is usual in terms of frequency of contact/dates?

Whenever both of you feel like it.

[mightycpa]

You're probably right. I went into this with no expectations but they grew kind of naturally as I got attached. Dying to get a chance to explain how I feel to him just for peace of mind.

You should definitely find out what's up. Call him up, and say something like

Hey, I haven't heard from you in a while. I [got tickets to] [thought we might see a movie] [was thinking about whatever] and I wonder if you want to go?

That's what casual dating is all about, isn't it?

 

You'll get an indication without having to put yourself out there too much. For all you know, maybe he thinks you're not available for more. Fortune belongs to the bold! Really, what do you have to lose?

[BrokenBranches]

I had a FWB for around 1 year. We were friends first and then he asked me to be his FWB and I agreed. The one condition was that anyone can end it at anytime without any explanation. We both were on the same page on this. Also we never questioned each other on what we are doing when we are not together.

 

None of our friends knew about this. We were good friends and went out together just the 2 of us or with the other friends in a group all the time - trips, shopping, dinner, movies etc. Discussed each other's life problems... he used to encourage me to start dating again etc... we used to hook up every weekend on an average. One fine day I felt it is time for me to look for something more fulfilling emotionally. It took me a month or so to say that to him. And he said okay fine because we anyways always discussed dating and marriage with each other so we knew its gonna happen one day.

I think we both cared a lot for each other.... we were such great friends... ha ha

 

It takes a lot of emotional detachment to pull this off.

 

 

Did you guys stay friends after? I was in one that started as friends, then fwb, but we immediately started behaving like a couple. Then there was the 4 or 5 months we debated dating exclusively. I wanted to, she was unsure, instead we remained casually bf/gf. Then she started being distant and not cool. I tried to get over it, since it was casual after all and we were friends first. But then she started not even treating me like a good friend anymore and more like a **** buddy. Except for the times she didn't. She still would get jealous or upset if i didn't respond to her, etc. But when i would get upset, she basically made me feel like i had no right to be upset.

 

 

Anyway, we broke up 2 months ago, NC. Not sure if she even wants to be friends again. Not sure if i do either. She really disappointed me. it's a mess though because we have mutual friends, like my roommates for example.

[winny]

Did you guys stay friends after? I was in one that started as friends, then fwb, but we immediately started behaving like a couple. Then there was the 4 or 5 months we debated dating exclusively. I wanted to, she was unsure, instead we remained casually bf/gf. Then she started being distant and not cool. I tried to get over it, since it was casual after all and we were friends first. But then she started not even treating me like a good friend anymore and more like a **** buddy. Except for the times she didn't. She still would get jealous or upset if i didn't respond to her, etc. But when i would get upset, she basically made me feel like i had no right to be upset.

 

 

Anyway, we broke up 2 months ago, NC. Not sure if she even wants to be friends again. Not sure if i do either. She really disappointed me. it's a mess though because we have mutual friends, like my roommates for example.

 

Yes we stayed friends for few months after that but then I told him it is better that we dont meet. He said okay although he kept asking for movies etc.

I had always told him that the day I decide to date seriously I will never want the new guy in my life to be friends with him and then create a mess and he used to laugh it off. But when I actually started to turn him down for any outings he started to get bit irritated. Whenever he would see me anywhere he would text me later to know what I was up to... Eventually our friendship just became very limited to an occasional hi. I was seeing other men so I stayed busy. I dunno if he got lonely... Or got a new FWB but he wasnt happy with me not seeing him at all like friends. Now we dont even talk.

[BrokenBranches]

Yes we stayed friends for few months after that but then I told him it is better that we dont meet. He said okay although he kept asking for movies etc.

I had always told him that the day I decide to date seriously I will never want the new guy in my life to be friends with him and then create a mess and he used to laugh it off. But when I actually started to turn him down for any outings he started to get bit irritated. Whenever he would see me anywhere he would text me later to know what I was up to... Eventually our friendship just became very limited to an occasional hi. I was seeing other men so I stayed busy. I dunno if he got lonely... Or got a new FWB but he wasnt happy with me not seeing him at all like friends. Now we dont even talk.

 

So you ended because you knew he couldn't fulfill you in that way? That's respectful of you to not start turning him down during the relationship and dragging him through that. Anyway, was that difficult for you? Were you guys saying "i love you"?

 

I'm really upset thinking that we too may never been friends again. When we first met and hung out, i felt such an amazing friend energy from her and she did too. I haven't seen her for 2 months, so though it's hard not talking or sleeping together, i haven't had to deal yet with actually seeing her and not touching or going home together. So that i'll have to get over if we're to be friends. But i think the hardest part, is that she was a pretty terrible friend to me in the end. She didn't care. Of course she had and will say she cares about me and is so thankful for what i was to her. But that won't make me feel good. She was thankful that i was there for her every need, not thankful FOR ME.

[BrokenBranches]

When they stop calling, texting and asking you out . . . you don't do much initiating. You should do some, but let him do most of it so that when it starts falling off you'll be more aware of it. If you do a lot of initiating, you're usually still wondering if he would have called on his own, etc. If a few days pass without hearing from them, you let it happen for as long as it takes. If they aren't seeing or communicating with you as often as you'd like, you end it.

 

But, what you really need to do for yourself is decide whether you like or want casual dating or if you want a real relationship. Don't co-mingle goals. It gets confusing when you do that. Have a conversation early on about goals. If you're not on the same page with overall goals, i.e. you are looking for a relationship and they only want casual, you move on. Dating casually when you are really seeking a relationship as a goal, sets yourself up for unnecessary heartbreak. The woman usually starts getting attached to a guy even though he's not going to be all in.

 

I wish i knew this stuff during my recent relationship. I mean for the first 4 months or so we talked everyday, saw each other 4 or 5 times a week and were very couply. then SHE started saying "i love you". But she was always unsure of being exclusive or not. Then she started being distant slowly. I stupidly ended up initiating most of the time. She'd initiate but to sleep over or whatever. We were friends first and had many mutual friends, so i don't think either of us expected we'd just disappear from each other. Anyway, it became a mess and now we broke up, haven't spoke in 2 months

 

At the same time though, it's like she still expected me to be there for her, but when i wanted her it felt like it was wrong or intruding. That ain't fair. I know i'm partially at fault for staying in it, but we talked about these things and she made it sound like she didn't want to lose me, wanted to be together and work on things. In the end she flipped that on me and basically said i was crazy for wanting her to be better to me. Most of it though was just wanting her to show me some respect and be a better friend like we used to be. That's not too much to ask.

Edited January 19, 2017 by BrokenBranches